Black Sheep Movie Quotes
Mike
[on stage making a fool of himself]
That's one small step for man! One giant... I have a dream!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mike
And so he says, "Rectum? Damn near killed'em!"
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mike
[cold calling voters]
Hi! This is Mike Donnelly. I work over here at the Recreational Center. To be honest, I pretty much run the place; hahaha! Is this, uh, Pat..Giles? Good, good! Hey, I hope everything's going great in your fine town of, uh, Avery..Atwood! Hahaha. Say, the reason I'm calling is I wanted to tell you about the candidacy of Al Donnelly. Al Donnelly's a guy with a dream. His dream is to be the governor of this great State of Washington. Hell, every guy's got his dream; am I right? Between you, me, and the wall, I had a doozy myself last night!
[chortles]
Mike
Get this: A hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles, yo-yo's, a circus midget, my grandmother riding by on a bicycle giving me the finger, and a duck! Hahahahaha! Now, I don't know -- Are you crying?
[gasps]
Mike
Oh, my Lord! I am sorry, honey; please don't -- could you get your daddy on the phone? No! Don't hang up, please, I --
[click. Mike hangs up]
Mike
... Whoa.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Mike is pretending to be a cop, Steve is pretending to be a prisoner]
Steve
Ro-ads. Ro-ods.
Mike
Quiet back there! I've taken enough guff from you for one day!
[turns to state trooper]
Mike
Raving psycho! Butchered 400 chickens and screwed a beagle. I'm taking him back to Nevada where he's wanted for banging horses!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mike
[dressed as security guard] Please move away from this vector and get into another coordinate, pronto. There's no access for you in this quadrant.
Teen
Man, why don't you goose-step on down to the women and children over there and give them your little power trip, because they may be impressed by it. Asshole!
Mike
Young man, I'm gonna twist off your head and spike it onto the floors of a nightmare you can't even imagine! I will dance with you inside the six-sided ring of fire, unless you move from this area, far and fast!
[steam shoots out of his ears]
Mike
NOW!
Teen
...WOW.
[scurries off]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mike
[cheering on Rock the Vote Crowd]
Yea! Kill whitey!
[crowd goes silent]
Rastafarian
No! No! No!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mike
Man! This place is trashed!
Steve
Check this out! This whole fridge is held up here just by this plug!
[unplugs the fridge, letting it slide toward Mike, pinning him against the wall]
Steve
You OK?
Mike
[groaning in pain]
I'm just dandy! I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants!
Steve
... We didn't have any pudding in there, buddy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mike
We've all been screwed by Governor Tracy, and now, I'm going to screw her!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Drake
I could go over to your mama's, and light a small fire in her panties!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Steve comes back sprayed with a fire extinguisher]
Mike
Whoa, what happened to you? Did you fall into some mud or something?
Steve
Yeah, I did. And now I'm gonna be famous because I'm the only one in the world who knows where you can find *white* mud.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Steve
This is great! I've never won three games in a row. I hardly ever play checkers.
Mike
[muttering]
Yeah. Yeah. Well. You know. It's kinda easy to win when you... um...
[shouting]
Mike
NEVER MOVE YOUR BACK ROW! EVER! GOD! COME ONNNN!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Governor Tracy
Neuschwander... Are you finished stirring that drink, or is this some kind of fucking science experiment?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Governor Tracy
Here's the rub: Now you'll have to tell me your name so I know who to make the check out to.
Clyde
My best friends call me Cash.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[the roof has blown off the house and it begins to hail all over Mike who is in the top bunk]
Steve
Hey Mike! 'I got dibs on top bunk!' Ha ha ha ha.
Mike
Shut up!
Steve
Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, I love it.
Mike
Why don't you shut up?
Steve
'Hellooooo Washington'. Ha ha ha.
Mike
SHUT! UP!
Steve
Hahahahahahahaaaa. Ohhh, no.
[Mike's bed, with the added weight of the hail, collapses from above]
Mike
Oh!
Steve
Aaaooow!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Drake
I'm not far from dragging you out of the car and beating you to dust.
Steve
You should work up to that, kinda leaves you nowhere to go.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mike
[on stage making a fool of himself]
Voting kicks ass right! Cause, uh, if voting kicks ass, you got some kick ass shit!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Motorcycle Cop
Could you take him through here a little faster than seven miles per hour, Officer...
Mike
Meoff, Jack.
[turns to Steve and mouths "Jack Meoff"]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mike
[attempting to teach kids to 'Say No To Drugs']
Awwww, horseshit!
[smashes beer bottle]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Governor Tracy
[Mike has just given evidence that Governor Tracy's campaign has committed voter fraud]
Now hold on young man, there is a good explanation for all of this. Neuschwander?
Neuschwander
Actually, there is a very good explanation for this.
[Tracy smiles]
Neuschwander
She put us up to it.
Neuschwander
It's all her!
Neuschwander
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Motorcycle Cop
[Steve and Mike are high on nitrous oxide and have been pulled over]
Tell me, Officer: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Mike
[Mike licks lips nervously]
Wellll... I got a 426 Hemi in her. Three-quarter cams, nitro boosters. I can get 'er up to as good as 155.
[reassuringly]
Mike
Never do, though. Of course, I'm chasing a cute chick in a Ferrari!
[slaps Officer on the arm and laughs uproariously, until he sees the other Officer is seething in anger and not laughing]
Mike
... I guess I was going about 65... tops?
Motorcycle Cop
SEVEN!
[Mike reacts]
Motorcycle Cop
Seven miles an hour.
Motorcycle Cop
And normally, when I stop people, they pull on the shoulder!
[Mike looks out the window, then cringes when he realizes he's parked on the center line]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harold
[as he and "Mother" drive off with Mike's tie caught in their trunk, pulling Mike along] He must be all hopped up on Crack Cocaine.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mike
Boy, I could sure use some cupcakes or peanut butter cups right now.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Steve
[Steve is going to flip off the old lady, and starts out by acting like he's digging around in his pocket looking for it]
Lady, I got something for ya. Kind of a souvenir for you here.
Old lady
[impatiently]
Yes?
Old lady
[Looks at his hand]
What'cha doing? Playing Pocket Pool there, son?
Old lady
Hey, ya got a lil chubby goin' on there!
[stalks off]
Old lady
Dream on, you little fart.
[Steve mouths "Yeah" and covers his face in embarrassment]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mike
What the hell was that?
Steve
A chunk in the road or something.
Mike
I just chunked in my pants.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mike
[holding onto a small plant on a steep hill]
Oh, thank you, little roots! Please stay strong!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Drake
Hold your tongue, wench.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Steve
[completely wasted on the nitrous oxide]
... But, this map is heavy... It's got all of those... robes on it. Robes? Rogues?
Mike
[also stoned; giggling]
Roads!
Steve
Steve, Mike: Aahahahaha!
Mike
[suddenly stops laughing]
I'm stoned... so are you!
[looks in the backseat]
Mike
Dammit! The nitrous oxide's leaking into the car! OK, calm down... we just gotta keep under the speed limit... limit...
[starts giggling again]
Mike
Limit! Haha, that's another one of those freaky words!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Governor Tracy
I have heard the voice of the voters and the voters said...
[Mike is screaming for help while hoisting by his underwear on a satellite dish]
Governor Tracy
...Holy Shit?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[last lines]
Mike Donnelly
Okay, see you, Al. So this is it, huh, Steve?
Steve Dodds
I guess I'm gonna miss you. I'm not gonna miss a 9mm to my head, but... What were you thinking?
Mike Donnelly
I don't know. All right, you guys. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
[as they board, Mike closes the door and waves goodbye, but his coat is caught in the door, and the planes starts to drag him]
Mike Donnelly
Oh, my God! No! No! Please don't take off! Please! Al! Al! No, no! NOOOOOOOOOOO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!
[the planes takes off, and Mike flies along for the ride]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mike
[driving a campaign van, over a loudspeaker]
Attention, Buckley residents: Voters of all ages, vote for Al Donnelly. He's the best man for the job. You can count on Al, that's for sure! Folks, if you're wondering who to vote for, Al Donnelly's the man for the job.
[checks out his sideview mirror and sees a couple dozen dogs trailing him]
Mike
Time to go home now, little doggies. Nothing in this truck for you, no food.
[pause]
Mike
Dogs, I want you to go home.
[pause]
Mike
GET OFF MY BUMPER! Come on, jeepers!
[looks straight ahead and sees he's about to run straight into a ladder]
Mike
Agggh!
[swerves and barely misses the ladder, knocking off part of his campaign sign]
Mike
Oh... my... GOD.
[keeps driving, looks in his sideview mirror and sees the dogs still trailing him]
Mike
What is WITH you dogs? DO YOU THINK THIS TRUCK IS IN HEAT OR SOMETHING? Get out of here!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Steve
Are you or are you not the Black Angel of Death?
Mike
Without question.
Steve
Don't agree with me. It just pisses me off more.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[seeing his brother acting like an idiot on stage]
Al
Oh God, I'm a dead man.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
