The Waterboy Movie Quotes
Bobby Boucher
My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.
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Mama Boucher
You gonna lose all your fancy "fools' balls" games! And you're gonna fail your big exam! Because school is...
Bobby Boucher
The devil?
[Mama gasps]
Bobby Boucher
Everything is the devil to you, Mama! Well, I like school, and I like football! And I'm gonna keep doin' them both because they make me feel good!
Bobby Boucher
[Bobby runs out, slamming the door, then comes back in]
And by the way, Mama. "Alligators" are ornery 'cause of their "Medula Oblongata"!
Bobby Boucher
[Bobby runs back out, then back in again]
And I like Vicki, and she like me back! And she showed me her boobies, and I like them too!
[slams door on Mama]
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[after Bobby demonstrates his tackling ability]
Coach Klein
Bobby, can you do that for me every game?
Bobby Boucher
Coach, not only will I do it for you, I... I... I... yes, yes, I'll do it for you.
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Coach Klein
Gatorade not only quenches your thirst better, it tastes better too.
Bobby Boucher
No, you people are drinkin the wrong water.
Coach Klein
Gatorade.
Bobby Boucher
H2O.
Coach Klein
Gatorade.
Bobby Boucher
H2O.
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Bobby Boucher
So that's what opening up a can of whoop-ass feels like.
Coach Klein
Son, you just opened up a whole case of whoop-ass.
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Lawrence Taylor
Gentlemen, which brings me to my next point. Don't smoke crack.
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Mama Boucher
Bobby, deh ever catch dat gorilla that busted outa da zoo and punched you in da eye?
Bobby Boucher
No Mama, the search continues.
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Bobby Boucher
Now that's what I call high quality H2O.
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Dan Fouts
The waterboy just needed some water!
Brent Musburger
Wow, Dan, did you come up with that all by yourself?
Dan Fouts
Shut up, Brent.
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[after watching Bobby tackle a player]
Paco
Look at Bobby tackle. I haven't seen a tackle like that since Joe Montana.
Walter
Joe Montana was a quarterback, you idiot.
Paco
I said Joe Mantegna.
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Coach Klein
[it's half-time at the Bourbon Bowl and they're in the locker room]
Anybody got an idea?
[Silence]
Derek Wallace
Hey, remember the time Bobby tackled the referee by mistake?
[Everybody chuckles]
Lyle Robideaux
Yeah, that was pretty funny. How 'bout the time Bobby tackled the guy from Louisville, and threw him into the stands?
[Everybody laughs]
Guy Grenouille
Y'all remember the time he intercepted the ball and his pants fell off, and he ran for the touchdown bare ass?
[Everybody laughs]
Farmer Fran
Remember the time Bobby Boucher...
[Begins to mumble in his southern drawl, and everybody stares at him]
Bobby Boucher
[Bobby shows up in the locker room by surprise]
Remember the time Bobby Boucher showed up at halftime and the Mud Dogs won the Bourbon Bowl, do ya?
[Everybody starts cheering and shouting]
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[upon hearing that Bobby Boucher has been benched]
Townie
Oh no! We suck again!
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Young Bobby Boucher
[flashback to Bobby's childhood]
Mama, when did Ben Franklin invent electricity?
Mama Boucher
That's nonsense, I invented electricity. Ben Franklin is the Devil!
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Tina
You played amazing at the game today, Bobby.
Rita
And you are so cute.
Rita
Is there a girl you are seeing?
Bobby Boucher
Seeing? I see a lot of girls. I see a lot of guys too.
Rita
I think that's sexy. You ever been with a guy and a girl at the same time?
Bobby Boucher
Oh yeah, plenty of times. The other night, I was with my Momma and Coach Klein at the same time.
[Tina is weirded out by Bobby's odd remarks and walks away]
Rita
You are a bad boy. I wish you were my boyfriend.
Bobby Boucher
Oh, thank you. But, you see there's this girl, Vicki Vallencourt. She may be the devil, Momma said that. Consequently, I am prohibited from contact with her. But, I hope to get past that one day cause she's nice to talk to.
[Rita is now weirded out by Bobby's odd remarks. Then Farmer Fran approaches the two and begins to mumble in his southern drawl. Farmer Fran gives Rita a Louisiana Frog Cake he was eating and then takes Bobby with him to dance]
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Bobby Boucher
Look who's on TV, Mama... it's the devil.
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Townie
You can do it... you can do it all night loong!
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Paco
I am not what you would call a handsome man. The good Lord chose not to bless me with... with charm, athletic ability... or a fully functional brain. You see, you're an inspriation, to all of us who... who weren't born handsome, and charming and cool, and and...
[breaks out in tears]
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Bobby Boucher
Nice hit, Mama.
Mama Boucher
Thanks, baby. Now you go on and have some fun becomin' a man.
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Mama Boucher
No son of mine is gonna play any foos-ball.
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Professor
Now, is there anyone here that can tell me why... most alligators are abnormally aggressive? Anybody? Anyone? Yes, sir. You, sir.
Bobby Boucher
Mama says that alligators are ornery... 'cause they got all them teeth but no toothbrush.
Professor
[Chuckling]
Yo mama said, alligators are ornery 'cause they got all them teeth... and no toothbrush. Wow! Anybody else? Yes, sir. You, sir.
Student
Alligators are aggressive because of an enlarged medulla oblongata. It's the sector of the brain which controls aggressive behavior.
Professor
That is correct! The medulla oblongata...
Bobby Boucher
But Mama said...
Professor
The medulla oblongata... is where anger, jealousy and aggression come from. Now, is there anybody here can tell me where happiness comes from? Anyone? All right, let's hear what Mama has to say on the subject.
Bobby Boucher
Mama say that happiness is from magic rays of sunshine that come down when you feelin' blue.
Professor
[Chuckling]
Well, folks, Mama's wrong again.
Bobby Boucher
No, Colonel Sanders, you're wrong. Mama's right. You're all wrong. Mama's right. Mama's right!
Professor
Somethin' wrong with his medulla oblongata.
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Townie
You can do it. Cut his fucking head off.
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Guy Grenouille
Hey, moron! Hey! Moron! Duh! L-L-Look at me. I'm th-th-the waterboy. Duh! I got a wooden spoon! Duh!
Greg Meaney
[Bobby pictures the people who tomented him in the past]
Smells like you need a shower, stinky!
[Meaney laughs evily]
Coach Red Beaulieu
You're fired!
[Red laughs evilly]
Bobby Boucher
[Captain Insano and Jim Simmonds laugh]
[Bobby becomes enraged]
Bobby Boucher
Stop makin' fun of me!
Guy Grenouille
Red thirty! Hut!
[Bobby chases Grenouille, screaming, then ramming and tackling him hard to the ground]
Derek Wallace
Damn!
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Casey Bugge
He poked me in the eye!
Bobby Boucher
Captain Insano shows no mercy.
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Dan Fouts
Bobby Boucher sure knocked the poop out of him.
Brent Musburger
[Looks at Dan]
Poop?
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Vicki Vallencourt
[after Bobby has gotten his test scores back]
Well, Bobby Boucher, welcome to manhood. I'll make sure to welcome you properly later.
Bobby Boucher
Once again, I'm not quite sure what that means.
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Mama Boucher
[to Bobby]
You don't have what they call "the social skills." That's why you never have any friends, 'cept fo' yo' mama.
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Dan Fouts
Last game of the year Brent, can't hold anything back now.
Brent Musburger
I know.
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Bobby Boucher
I wasn't gonna do nothin', coach!
Coach Klein
Well ya better do something. You gotta stick up for yourself, Bobby.
Bobby Boucher
But what about the finally tuned athletic machine?
Coach Klein
I am not telling you to go on a shooting rampage!
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Bobby Boucher
Mama, something bad happened today.
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Walter
Let's kick some names and take some ass.
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Mama Boucher
Are men supposed to wear pajamas featuring a cartoon character by the name of Deputy Dog?
Bobby Boucher
Mama, please.
Vicki Vallencourt
Well you know what? I happen to find Deputy Dog to be very, very sexy.
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Guy Grenouille
I don't want that loser on the team. Everybody's gonna laugh at us.
Lyle Robideaux
Everybody already 'is' laughing at us. We haven't won a game since nineteen-ninety-FOUR.
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Paco
Hey Walter! I bet you fifty bucks Guy Grenouille throws a touchdown pass on the first play. Check it out!
Walter
You said it was gonna be a touchdown pass, you crazy asshole!
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Bobby Boucher
Good luck on the upcoming play.
West Mississippi Lineman
I'll be playing with your mama tonight.
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Jimmy Johnson
You know, Red's gotta couple solid early rounders out there.
Bill Cowher
I know. But, I really wanted to scout that Waterboy. He reminds me of Greg Lloyd.
Jimmy Johnson
Nah, Zach Thomas.
Bill Cowher
Whatever.
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Coach Red Beaulieu
Coach Laski, get over here!
Laski
Yes, sir, Coach?
Coach Red Beaulieu
What is that moron doing here? Huh? Didn't I tell you as plain as I could speak to get rid of his ass last year?
Laski
Yes, sir. But I didn't think you were serious, Coach. Besides, he does a great job.
Coach Red Beaulieu
Disrupting my football team, you idiot! Eighteen years of this is enough!
Coach Red Beaulieu
Hey, Waterboy!
Bobby Boucher
Yes, Mr. Coach Beaulieu?
Coach Red Beaulieu
You're fired!
Bobby Boucher
Ok.
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Bobby Boucher
Excuse me, ladies, while I just go hang myself.
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Mama Boucher
[after Vicki Vallencourt mentions a football game]
Foos-ball? Buncha overgrown monsters man-handlin' each other... 'Member when dat man wanted you to play foos-ball, Bobby?
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Guy Grenouille
Needledick, Needledick, Needledick!
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Guy Grenouille
Nice going, shithead. You lost us the football game.
Bobby Boucher
Sorry. Will you please still be my friend?
Guy Grenouille
No, get away from me.
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Vicki Vallencourt
Well, men are supposed to have stinky feet.
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Lynn Swann
You gonna add another championship trophy to the old case downstairs?
Coach Red Beaulieu
That's kinda like my old man told me one time, Lynn. The only thing better than a crawfish dinner, is five crawfish dinners.
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Bobby Boucher
If you'll excuse me, ladies, I'm gonna go hang myself.
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Mama Boucher
Come give your momma a kiss.
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Dan Fouts
[For the 3rd time]
Last game of the year Brent, can't hold anything back now.
Brent Musburger
I know.
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Derek Wallace
[Preparing for an onside kick, looking at the Cougar players lining up, deciding who to kick it to]
Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be...
[sees a wide-eyed Cougar player]
Derek Wallace
Oh yeah, there's my bitch.
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Coach Klein
Nice suit!
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Mama Boucher
Now you listen here, cupcake. The 'onliest' woman in my boy's life is me. Nobody's gonna take him away, especially not some godless Jezebel like you.
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