22 Jump Street Movie Quotes
[from trailer]
Schmidt
Yo Sleepy, whassup, homie? Everyone saying at the barrio that "Sleepy, he like the Mexican Wolverine and shit!" My partner here wanna see that product.
Scarface
[pointing at Jenko]
Why ain't he talking?
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[from trailer]
Captain Dickson
We Jump Street, and we 'bout to jump in yo ass.
Jenko
Mmmm-hmmm.
Schmidt
Right in the crack.
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Mrs. Dickson
So, how did you and Doug meet?
Maya
We met at a party and then he stalked me to my dorm room.
Captain Dickson
Stalked you? And then what happened?
Maya
Then, we hung out and watched a movie.
Maya
[pause for a second]
Actually, we watched it a couple times.
Captain Dickson
This is bullshit! Waiter, can a black man get some water?
Schmidt
Someone get the fucking man some water. He's black, he's been through a lot!
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Captain Dickson
Gentlemen, you're not gonna sit here
[places pistol down on desk]
Captain Dickson
& pretend there's not a big-ass elephant in the room.
Captain Dickson
[turns picture frame on desk around, revealing a photo of Maya]
*This* is what the fuck is going on!
Jenko
[looks at the picture confused, looks at Schmidt, then back at the picture as he realizes]
OH SHIT! Oh Shit!
[laughs hysterically at Schmidt]
Jenko
Oh shit! No! That is not happening right now!
[exits office]
Jenko
No!
[to coworkers, exchanging high fives]
Jenko
Hey ya'll he's fucking the captain's daughter! Yo! Oh my FUCK!
Captain Dickson
[as Jenko is laughing outside office, to Schmidt]
Every time, he says that shit? That's another foot in your ass!
[laughing]
Jenko
Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!
[sing-song]
Jenko
Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter! Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!
[to Schmidt]
Jenko
You fucked Captain Dickson's daughter? Captain? What the fuck, you bragged to him to his face! To his actual face, the captain, do you understand that *this face*
[pointing to Captain Dickson's angry face]
Jenko
right here! You bragged to that face!
Jenko
[to Captain Dickson]
You actually high-fived Schmidt for fucking your daughter? Holy Shit! Oh my God, this is...
Captain Dickson
[picks pistol up and places it back on the desk, with the barrel facing Jenko]
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Captain Dickson
Fuck a 21 Jump Street & *FUCK* a Korean Jesus!
Captain Dickson
That's Vietnamese Jesus now. See this is a Vietnamese church, you racist sacrilegious sack of shit!
[admiring Vietnamese Jesus]
Captain Dickson
Yeah, Vietnamese Jesus is just drippin' swag-goo!
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Maya
Dad, this is Doug, he's a guy I'm dating.
Captain Dickson
What the fuck?
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Mr. Walters
Eric! Close your eyes and tell me who's talking!
[makes a whining baby sound]
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[last lines before end credits sequence]
Captain Dickson
Jenko, what are you doing, man?
Jenko
Fuck you, Schmidt!
Captain Dickson
Stop dicking around!
Jenko
Hey, captain!
Captain Dickson
Congratulations, you two. You managed to un-fuck a situation you originally already fucked up!
Schmidt
Thanks!
Captain Dickson
[talking to Schmidt]
I wish I could have you un-fuck my daughter, but I'ma let that be the past.
Captain Dickson
[talking to Schmidt and Jenko]
Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches going to medical school!
Jenko
What?
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Schmidt
Say something cool when you throw it!
Jenko
One, two, three!
[throws the grenade]
Jenko
Something cool!
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Schmidt
Slam... poetry. Yelling! Angry! Waving my hands a LOT! Specific point of view on THINGS! Cynthia! Cyn-thi-a! Jesus died for our sin-thi-as! Jesus cried, runaway bride. Julia Roberts! Julia Rob... hurts! Cynthia! Ooh, Cynthia. You're dead. You are dead. Bop boop beep bop bop boop bop. You're dead. That's for Cynthia... who's dead.
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Mr. Walters
Hey, guess what. I'm Eric's bitch!
Eric Molson
No you're not.
Mr. Walters
Yes I am! You own this ass!
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Deputy Chief Hardy
The Koreans bought the church back, so we had to move across the street... to 22 Jump Street.
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Schmidt
I just wanna say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State...
Captain Dickson
I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut your motherfuckin' nuts off.
Jenko
[to Schmidt]
What if, Captain gets to punch you in the face, one time? Really, really, REALLY hard?
Captain Dickson
Nah, I've got something WAY better than that.
[cut to Captain Dickson shooting a stun gun at Schmidt's testicles]
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Mercedes
This is so boring. No one's getting shot.
Mercedes
[one of her bodyguards gets shot]
Oh my God! Did you just get shot? Like, right after I fucking said that?
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[during end credits sequence]
Jenko
I'm really really glad you're back, Schmidt.
Schmidt
What are you talking about? What contract dispute? I have been here the whole time.
Captain Dickson
Hey, shut the fuck up! How about a flight academy?
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Schmidt
[while hanging from a helicopter]
There's a grenade in my shorts, can you reach it? Go in from underneath!
Jenko
Oh, shit! Is that it?
Schmidt
No, that's my dick!
Jenko
What about that?
Schmidt
That's my dick also!
Jenko
Why is it hard?
Schmidt
I'm so full of adrenalin right now!
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[during end credits sequence]
Captain Dickson
This time, foreign exchange students!
Schmidt
Awesome!
Jenko
Yes!
Captain Dickson
In Russia!
Jenko
What?
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Jenko
Fuck you, doves!
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Deputy Chief Hardy
Do the same thing as last time. Everyone's happy.
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History Proffesor
Mr. McQuaid?
Jenko
...uh, Covalent Bonds.
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Schmidt
Mr. Walters, I should apologize for...
Mr. Walters
...for shooting my penis off? Don't sweat it, brother. I'm liberated. Totally. You know they gave me a vagina. It's awesome. You guys wanna see it?
Jenko
Jenko, Schmidt: No, no, no, no!
Mr. Walters
Eric's seen it. Eric's been all up in that shit. Ain't that right, Eric?
Eric Molson
You guys gotta get me the fuck out of here.
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Jenko
It's 2014, asshole. You can't fucking use 'faggot'. 'Gay' is okay.' 'Homosexual', maybe.
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[post credits scene]
Mr. Walters
Eric! Eric, are you awake?
Eric Molson
No!
Mr. Walters
I'm late!
[Eric is seen with a sad and miserable look on his face while moving his lips in horror. Cut to Columbia Pictures ending logo with the sound of a prison cell closing in the background]
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Jenko
Lets do this Schmidt!
Morton Schmidt
Yeah, just like we always do, Jenkins.
Morton Schmidt
Sorry.
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'Previously' Narrator
And a surprise start today for walk-on freshman, Brad McQuaid.
Football game spectator
Looks pretty old to be a freshman.
'Previously' Narrator
It's the hormones in the milk, Bob.
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Mcs Coach
[Talking about Brad McQuaid]
Holy shit, he's good. None of you tell McQuaid that he's good. Alright? If you do, he will leave this MC State program.
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[repeated line]
Schmidt
I'm talking "missionary"...
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Zook
We're gonna have to tear those anals up.
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Anna (30 Jump Street: Flight Academy)
Undercover just got a whole lot sexier!
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Schmidt
There's a microchip in this dough.
Culinary School Villain
Old family receipt. Lets keep it a secret.
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Captain Dickson
New assignment...
Jenko
Captain, does Schmidt look any different to you?
[the person sitting next to Jenko is Seth Rogen and not Jonah Hill]
Captain Dickson
No, that's Schmidt. I don't know what you are talking about. Schmidt looks exactly the same to me, man.
Morton Schmidt
I got new glasses.
Captain Dickson
Yeah man, he just got some new glasses, man. God Damn!
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Jenko
Maybe we should just investigate other people.
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Jenko
Dude, I am so sorry for being a homophone.
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Captain Dickson
It's the same case: do the same thing!
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Jenko
What if we actually went into the Secret Service and like, tried to protect the White House?
Schmidt
I don't think that would work.
Deputy Chief Hardy
I am going to ask you to stop talking.
Jenko
I thought it was a pretty good idea.
Deputy Chief Hardy
Do the same thing as last time, everyone's happy.
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[points to Jenko]
Schmidt
You remember my cousin, Sad Boy?
Scarface
I think you got the wrong guy, holmes.
Schmidt
That's bullshit, man, you Sleepy! Everyone's saying at the barrio, "Hey Sleepy! He like the Mexican Wolverine and shit!" My partner, he wanna see that product.
Scarface
[points to Jenko]
Why ain't he talking?
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Jenko
We have to stop treating this as if it was exactly like last time.
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