[final words of the film]
Alfie
You know what? When I look back on my little life and the birds I've known, and think of all the things they've done for me and the little I've done for them, you'd think I've had the best of it along the line. But what have I got out of it? I've got a bob or two, some decent clothes, a car, I've got me health back and I ain't attached. But I ain't got me peace of mind - and if you ain't got that, you ain't got nothing. I dunno. It seems to me if they ain't got you one way they've got you another. So what's the answer? That's what I keep asking myself - what's it all about? Know what I mean?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
My understanding of women only goes as far as the pleasure. When it comes to the pain I'm like any other bloke - I don't want to know.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
A married woman, see. Every one of 'em in need of a good laugh. It don't never strike their husbands. I always say, make a married woman laugh and you're halfway there with her. Of course, it don't work with the single bird. Start you off on the wrong foot. You get one of them laughing, you won't get nothing else.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
What I loved once and what I love now are two different things.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
I've never told her that I love her - except at those times when you've *got* to say something for appearance's sake.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
She's got a little ginger moustache. But I find I'm quite willing to overlook the odd blemish in a woman, providing she's got something to make up for it. Well, that's what we're all here for, innit - to help each other out in this life.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[talking about Gilda's appearance while she is pregnant]
Alfie
Mind you, she came over quite beautified for a while, particularly during the early months. And I told her: I said "Blimey, girl, you ain't as ugly as I thought".
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Annie
Them's my secret thoughts.
Alfie
You ain't entitled to secret thoughts - not livin' with me!
Annie
Everyone's entitled to secret thoughts.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
I don't want no bird's respect - I wouldn't know what to do with it.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[speaking to camera as he is kissing Lily Clamacraft]
Alfie
Well, what harm can it do? Old Harry will never know. And even if he did, he shouldn't begrudge me - or her, come to that. And it'll round off the tea nicely.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
I've told you before to be careful where you put your legs.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
If you lose a bird you can always replace her. But with a child it's different.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
Harry, all I want is for you to see life, see what it is, and what it does to you. I never wanted to hurt you, Harry. I never want to hurt anybody.
Harry Clamacraft
No, I suppose not. But you do, Alfie. You do.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry Clamacraft
How do you want me?
Alfie
How do I want you? Well, I've got two positions, straight up or sideways, depending on your nationality.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
The thing I like about Ruby, she's a mature woman. When she gets hold of ya, you can feel a lifetime of experience in her fingers. Know what I mean? I find I'm going in more for that sort of woman these days.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
You're a little sexpot, ain't ya?
Ruby
Am I?
Alfie
Yeah. You're a little lust-box, ain't ya? My little lust-box!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
I've let myself in for something this time alright. It was that day I took her up the river, see. Round about three months ago, it was. Yeah, that was something I thought I got for nothing. But it don't never work out that way, does it?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
Here, don't you dig your nails in again like you did last Thursday night. I've got scratches all down me back.
Ruby
Here, I may do more than that to you today.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
Look at the size of that bath! King-size. Of course, a bit of a tight squeeze with two of us in it. You can have a lot of fun splashing about and - whatnot. Do you know, there have been times when I've felt lucky to get out of that bath alive.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
Do you know, I'm beginning to think she was beautiful. After all, it ain't through the eyes that you feel beauty, it's how the heart hungers for something that makes it beautiful.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
I'm like the Boy Scouts, I am, always prepared.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
You smell a bit milkified.
Gilda
Oh, I'm sorry, Alfie, I'll have a wash.
Alfie
No, I don't mind, it smells mumsy. How long you gonna keep him on the breast-feeding caper?
Gilda
Oh, as long as I can, Alfie. It's the best thing for him.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
Then, there was this chiropodist woman from a foot-comfort service I was having it off with. She used to cut me corns handsome, she did. Blimey, I never had me feet in such lovely condition. I was hoppin' about like a little fairy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
If a bird ain't got you one way, she's got you another.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
Queer job for a bird, isn't it. Photographing people's insides.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
Here, do you fancy an hour's kip, girl, while he's asleep?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
Let go. Don't ruckle my sleeve. What do you think I am? I ain't a savage, you know. I ain't gonna scarper. But don't you start off crying, either. Otherwise, I'll belt you one for sure.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
There you see. All you need is a father's voice. Don't forget. He's got a hard life in front of him. So you don't want to give him any wrong impression from the start.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
Here, have a fag.
Harry Clamacraft
The Doc said I'm not supposed to smoke more than five a day.
Alfie
Take no notice of the Doc. You've got to get yourself better.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
Here, see this? Carla, her name is. Hear how her skirt rustles? There's something about that rustling. I think I'll get on me bed, just in case.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
You've gotta get out and enjoy yourself. I mean, once a bloke starts thinking about a bird he's finished with, well, there's a waste of time for you, if you like.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Harry Clamacraft
What you don't understand...
Alfie
What? What?
Harry Clamacraft
Is - is the bond between husband and wife.
Alfie
The bond? What I do understand is human bleedin' nature. Here, how do you know your missus ain't got a geezer waitin; for her outside?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
With a bird, you can never tell where it's been, nor what it's done.
Harry Clamacraft
Here, would you mind saying "she". You're talking about my wife.
Alfie
She or it, they're all birds. What you've got to do, Harry, is start living for yourself. Like I do.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Frank
You didn't 'appen to slope off with a little girl from Sheffield called Annie when my back was turned?
Alfie
Nah, don't know what you're talkin' about.
Frank
You're a bloody liar!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
She's only looking after me.
Lacey
Looking after you? In twelve months time you won't be able to recognise yourself. You'll be stuffed to the ears with that bleedin' 'ot-pot!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
Now, that's lovely. Can you hold it?
Ruby
I'll do my best, young man.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
The Abortionist
It's a crime against the unborn child. It's a course never to be embarked upon lightly.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
Know what? When she smiles that little smile of hers, I'm quite touched by it. Yeah. Now I look at her, she ain't so ugly after all.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
Now the close-up. Lick your lips.
[Ruby seductively licks]
Alfie
Strewth! Now, watch the dickie bird.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
Very good-hearted is Frank. You know what? He'll even share his birds with his mates. One bloke told me, he'll even lend you his wife. Like the Eskimos do.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
When a married woman gets too hot on, it's time to cool off.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
I told Gilda from the start that I ain't the marrying sort. And do you know what? She don't mind. She's a stand-by and she knows it. And any bird that knows its place in this world can be quite content.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[first lines, from the inside of a parked car]
Siddie
Here, are you starting all over again?
Alfie
What about if I am?
Siddie
Well, supposing the police was to come along?
Alfie
Let 'em come. The windows are steamed up, the doors are locked. It's like a Turkish bath in here.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
And what about me? You think I'm gonna spend my weekends dodging about under wet nappies?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
Yeah, you're not only cooey, in a way, you're more bossified. As if I've got to take notice of you, instead of you of me. I can't describe it, but I can feel it.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
It don't do to get dependent on nobody in this life.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Alfie
You've got to live for yourself in this world, not for others.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Carla
You should be in bed.
Alfie
I couldn't sleep, so I come down and made meself a cup of tea.
Carla
You're not supposed to.
Alfie
I've been doing things all my life I'm not supposed to.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
