The Lady Eve Movie Quotes
Jean
You see, Hopsi, you don't know very much about girls. The best ones aren't as good as you probably think they are and the bad ones aren't as bad. Not nearly as bad.
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'Colonel' Harrington
What'd you say?
Jean
I said they're not good enough for him. Every Jane in the room is giving him the thermometer and he feels they're just a waste of time. He's returning to his book; he's deeply immersed in it. He sees no one except - watch his head turn when that kid goes by. Won't do ya any good, dear - he's a bookworm - but swing 'em anyway. Oh, now how about this one. How'd you like *that* hanging on your Christmas tree? Oh, you wouldn't? Well, what is your weakness, brother? Holy smoke, the dropped kerchief! That hasn't been used since Lily Langtry. You'll have to pick it up yourself, madam. It's a shame, but he doesn't care for the flesh. He'll never see it. Look at that girl over to his left. Look over to your left, bookworm. There's a girl pining for ya. A little further. Just a little further... There! Wasn't that worth looking for? See those nice store teeth all beaming at you. Oh, she recognizes you! She's up, she's down, she can't make up her mind. She's up again. She recognizes you! She's coming over to speak to you. The suspense is killing me. "Why, for heaven's sake, aren't you Fuzzy Oathammer I went to manual training school with in Louisville? Oh, you're not? Well, you certainly look exactly like him, it's certainly a remarkable resemblance... But if you're not going to ask me to sit down, I suppose you're not going to ask me to sit down... I'm very sorry, I certainly hope I haven't caused you any embarrassment, you so and so." "I wonder if my tie's on straight. I certainly upset them, don't I? Now who else is after me?" Ah, the lady champion wrestler, wouldn't she make a houseful? Oh, you don't like her either. Well, what are you going to do about her? Oh, you just can't stand it anymore, you're leaving. These women don't give you a moment's peace, do they? Well, go ahead! Go sulk in your cabin. Go soak your head and see if I care!
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Jean
I need him like the ax needs the turkey.
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[last lines]
Muggsy
[squeezing himself quietly out of the honeymoon cabin]
Positively the same dame!
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Charles
And I have no right to be in your cabin.
Jean
Why?
Charles
I'm married.
Jean
But so am I, darling. So am I.
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Charles
Do you think they're dancing anyplace on board?
Jean
Don't you think we ought to go to bed?
Charles
You're certainly a funny girl for anybody to meet who's just been up the Amazon for a year.
Jean
Good thing you weren't up there two years.
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Jean
Do you know Charles?
Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith
Oh, is he the tall backward boy who's always toying with toads and things? Yes, I think I have seen him skulking about.
Jean
He isn't backwards. He's a scientist.
Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith
Oh, is that what it is? I knew he was... peculiar.
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Second Ship's Waiter
Good morning, sir. Fruit, cereal, bacon and eggs, eggs and sausage, sausage and hot cakes, hot cakes and ham, ham and eggs, eggs and bacon, bacon and...
Muggsy
Gimme a spoonful of milk, a raw pigeon's egg, and four houseflies. If you can't catch any, I'll settle for a cockroach.
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Jean
They say a moonlit deck is a woman's business office.
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Jean
Boy, would I like to see you givin' some old harpie the three in one!
'Colonel' Harrington
Don't be vulgar, Jean. Let us be crooked, but never common.
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Charles
A girl of sixteen's practically an idiot anyway, so I can't very well blame you for something that was practically done by somebody else.
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Gerald
What I can't understand is how he finished fifth!
Jean
There were only five horses in the race. What do you expect when you bet on a goat called "After You?"
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Steward
Breakfast, sir?
Charles
What'd you say?
Steward
I said, "Breakfast, sir?"
Charles
Two scotch and sodas with plain water. You take it plain, don't you?
Jean
Don't you take cream and sugar?
Charles
No, I always drink it black.
[pause]
Charles
Say, what am I talking about?
Jean
That's what I was wondering.
Steward
How about a nice bicarbonate of soda with an egg in it? It does wonders!
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'Colonel' Harrington
Ah, there you are. Well, it certainly took you long enough to come back in the same outfit.
Jean
I'm lucky to have this on. Mr Pike has been up the river for a year.
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[performs childish sleight-of-hand trick]
Jean
Oh, he does card tricks!
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Lawyer at Phone in Pike's Office
But he says she says she won't have anything to do with lawyers.
Lawyer
That's entirely irregular!
Mr. Pike
Well, it's a thought!
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'Colonel' Harrington
Are you really in love with this mug?
Jean
Uh-huh.
'Colonel' Harrington
Don't you think it a little bit dangerous? I don't mean for us, I mean for your heart. They're apt to be slightly narrow-minded, the righteous people.
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Gerald
D'you want the strippers on the right or the left?
'Colonel' Harrington
I hardly need them, Gerald. I can take this boy with a deck of visiting cards.
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Jean
I don't see why I have to do all the dirty work. There must be plenty of rich old dames just waiting for you to push 'em around.
'Colonel' Harrington
You find 'em, I'll push 'em.
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[Jean is crying on her bed]
'Colonel' Harrington
My gracious! You know you shouldn't draw to an inside straight.
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Jean
What were you doing up the Amazon?
Charles
Looking for snakes. I'm an ophiologist.
Jean
I thought you were in the beer business.
Charles
Beer? Ale!
Jean
What's the difference?
Charles
Between beer and ale?
Jean
Yes.
Charles
My father'd burst a blood vessel if he heard you say that. There's a big difference. Ale's sort of fermented on the top or something, and beer's fermented on the bottom, or maybe it's the other way around. There's no similarity at all. You see, the trouble with being descended from a brewer, no matter how long ago he brewed it, or whatever you call it, you're supposed to know all about something you don't give a hoot about.
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Jean
[in her Eve persona]
Naturally I was frightfully anxious to see Uncle Alfred, and as I didn't know just where Connecticut was, I took the tube.
Mr. Pike
[the crowd laughs]
The subway.
Jean
And to the official, I said, "Be so good as to let me off at Connecticut." You see, I thought we'd have the boxes sent up in a dray later that afternoon.
Mr. Pike
The what?
Bartender at Pike's Party
Trunks on a truck.
[the crowd laughs]
Jean
So he said, "Lady, I don't know where Connecticut is, but this train goes to Harlem."
[the crowd laughs]
Jean
But I don't know how he knew I was a Lady!
[the crowd laughs]
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Muggsy
Goodbye, Prof. Don't take any wooden money.
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Jean
Oh, that's all right.
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Charles
Men - that is, lots of men, are more careful in choosing a tailor than they are in choosing a wife.
Charles
No, dear, they're more careful in choosing a tailor than in choosing a wife.
Jean
Oh? But not you, Charles?
Charles
That's right.
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[Jean screams upon waking]
Jean
Oh, I'm sorry. That slimy snake! I've been dreaming about him all night.
'Colonel' Harrington
You mean Pike?
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Charles
You ought to put handles on that skull. Maybe you could grow geraniums in it.
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Muggsy
I wanna ask you a hypo-thermical question.
Mr. Clink - Purser
Maybe that would be better to ask the doctor.
Muggsy
Never mind the wisecracks.
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First Steward
They don't want anything else. They want the ale that won for Yale. Rah! Rah! Rah!
Ship's Bartender
Well, tell 'em to go to Harvard.
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Charles
They look too much alike to be the same.
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Charles
There's just one thing. I feel it's only fair to tell you. It would never have happened except she looked so exactly like you.
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Charles
[speaking of card playing]
Now you, on the other hand, with a little coaching you could be terrific.
Jean
Do you really think so?
Charles
Yes, you have a definite nose.
Jean
Well, I'm glad you like it. Do you like any of the rest of me?
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'Colonel' Harrington
I don't think you realize the beauty of your situation. You're holding a royal flush.
Gerald
You've got him right by the ears.
'Colonel' Harrington
You know, I had nothing to do with this arrangement. But now that you're in it, you might as well go...
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Mr. Pike
Well, don't knock the table over.
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Jean
What's the matter?
Charles
That perfume!
Jean
What's the matter with it?
Charles
Well, it's just that I've been up the Amazon for a year and they don't use perfume.
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Muggsy
You don't happen to be a mouthpiece, do you? You talk like a law school.
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Mr. Pike
You haven't been hitting the bottle lately, have you?
Jean
Of course he hasn't, anybody's apt to trip.
Mr. Pike
Not over a sofa! That sofa's been there for fifteen years, and no one ever fell over it before!
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Jean
Hello, Hopsie.
Charles
Make it Charlie, will ya?
Jean
Heh, all right. But there's something kind of cute about Hopsie. And when you get older I could call you Popsie - Hopsie Popsie.
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Jean
Oh, I'm sorry. That slimy snake. I've been dreaming about him all night.
'Colonel' Harrington
You mean Pike?
Jean
No. His reptile. He travels with a snake act.
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Jean
I think Charles is in love with me.
Gerald
No?
Jean
Yes.
'Colonel' Harrington
Of course he's in love with you. Who is he not to be in love with you who have beautified the North Atlantic?
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Jean
[after screaming and running down the hallway and ship's stairs to her room]
Why didn't you tell me you had a slimy...
Charles
I thought you understood Emma was a snake.
Jean
Well, how could I understand anything of the kind? Why should I suspect an apparently civilized man...
Charles
Please.
Jean
Oh, look under the bed.
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Jean
You have a right to have an ideal. Oh, I guess we all have one.
Charles
What does yours look like?
Jean
He's a little short guy with lots of money.
Charles
Why short?
Jean
What does it matter, if he's rich? It's so he'll look up to me, so I'll be his idol.
Charles
That's a funny kind of reasoning.
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Jean
Don't you like my perfume?
Charles
Like it? I'm cockeyed on it.
Jean
Why, Hopsie, you ought to be kept in a cage.
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Charles
A groom?
Jean
Well, not really the groom, of course. He, he used to put on the groom's uniform on his day off, then he'd be the groom that day. The rest of the time he was just a stable boy.
[She laughs up a storm]
Charles
Stable boy?
Jean
Yes, the boy who cleans up the stables.
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Charles
It couldn't have been on the SS Southern Queen between here and South America could it?
Charles
You've never been in South America.
Mr. Pike
She's never been in South America.
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Charles
Eve.
Charles
If there's one thing that distinguishes a man from a beast, it's the ability to understand, and understanding, forgive. Surely, the qualities of mercy, understanding and sweet forgiveness...
Jean
Sweet what?
Jean
Oh.
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Jean
I think he's going to ask me to marry him.
Gerald
No?
Jean
Yes.
Gerald
That's wonderful, Jean.
'Colonel' Harrington
No wonder you're blushing.
Jean
Heh.
'Colonel' Harrington
And that fortunate young man.
Gerald
Fortunate indeed.
'Colonel' Harrington
Can't you hear his pulse pounding? His ears must be ringing like telephone bells.
Gerald
His hands are clammy with excitement.
'Colonel' Harrington
He won't know an ace from a deuce.
Jean
You weren't thinking of taking him, Harry?
'Colonel' Harrington
Well, what were you thinking of?
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Charles
Who did you elope with?
Jean
[as Lady Eve]
Oh, now, I 've planted a seed in your mind. Are you sure you want to know? Oh, why don't we just forget the whole thing?
Charles
Who was it?
Charles
Angus?
Jean
Oh, I assure you, darling, he was no one of the slightest importance.
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Party Guest
Did you hear how the Lady Eve got to this country?
Charles
How?
Party Guest
You must promise not to tell a soul.
Charles
I won't.
Party Guest
In a submarine.
Charles
No! Is that so?
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Jean
[as Lady Eve]
I knew you'd be that way... . I knew you'd be both husband and father to me. I knew I could trust and confide in you. I suppose that's why I fell in love with you.
Charles
Thank you.
Charles
Herman. Herman? Who was Herman?
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'Colonel' Harrington
'Colonel' Harrington, Jean: What's the matter with you? They want to make a settlement. They'll give you half when you leave for Reno, and the balance at the end of six weeks. Name your own price. For once, that we have a chance to make some honest money...
Jean
Oh, tell 'em to go peel and eel.
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Charles
I had to change my coat.
Mr. Pike
Well, don't knock the table over.
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Charles
What I am trying to say is - only I'm not a poet, I'm an ophiologist - I've always loved you. I mean, I've never loved anyone but you.
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Jean
See anything you like?
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'Colonel' Harrington
The trouble with people who reform is, they always want to rain on everybody else's parade, too.
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Charles
By the way, my name's Pike.
Jean
Oh, everybody knows that. Nobody's talking about anything else. This is my father, Colonel Harrington. My name is Jean. It's really Eugenia. Come on.
[She puts her arm in his and they walk off]
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Charles
It's funny to be kneeling here at your feet talking about beer.
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Jean
I don't know why it is, but a sucker always steps on your feet.
'Colonel' Harrington
A mug is a mug in everything.
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'Colonel' Harrington
Greetings, my little minx. I hope I find you well and that your little pal hasn't fallen overboard.
Gerald
With our $600.
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'Colonel' Harrington
That's the tragedy of the rich - they don't need anything.
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Jean
Oh, it's not that I mind your doing card tricks, Hopsie. It's just that you naturally wouldn't want your idol to do card tricks.
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'Colonel' Harrington
There's as fine a specimen of the sucker sapiens as I've ever seen.
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Charles
I shouldn't think that kind of idol was so difficult to find.
Jean
Oh, he isn't. That's why he's my idol. What's the sense of having one if you can't ever find him?
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Charles
I wouldn't have frightened you for anything in the world. I mean, if there's anyone in the world I wouldn't have wanted to, it's you.
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Charles
You have the darnedest way of bumping a fellow down and bouncing him up again.
Jean
And then bumping him down again.
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Charles
No, it's just that this girl on the boat.
Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith
There was a girl on a boat?
Charles
She looked so exactly like your niece.
Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith
Shhh! Did she have the McGlennan eyes? The cornflower blue?
Charles
I think so.
Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith
Then you must never mention a word of this to a soul.
Charles
Charles, Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith: What do you mean?
Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith
Shhh! You're rattling the skeleton in our family closet. I'm afraid you've stumbled on the sorrow of Sidwich, the secret of the century.
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Charles
When they brought you back, it was before nightfall, I trust?
Jean
Oh, noooo.
Charles
You were out all night?
Jean
Oh, my dear, it took them weeks to find us.
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Charles
I hope your niece doesn't think I'm a half-wit.
Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith
Oh, ho, bumblepuppy
[sic]
Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith
. Why, she's used to having young men fall for her.
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Muggsy
You tryin' to tell me this ain't the same rib was on the boat? She even wears the same perfume.
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Charles
Weren't her eyes closer together?
Muggsy
They were not. They were right where they are, on each side of her nose.
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Mr. Pike
Will you throw that roughneck out of here or do I have to?
Burrows
With enthusiasm, sir.
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Mr. Pike
Yeah, he was in love with her, but he don't remember what she looked like.
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Muggsy
That's the same dame. She looks the same, she walks the same and she's tossing you just like she done the last time.
Charles
She doesn't talk the same.
Muggsy
Anybody can put on an act.
[He mimics Adolf Hitler speaking German]
Muggsy
Guess who I am.
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'Colonel' Harrington
Very depressing having your own daughter married, and not be there.
Gerald
Especially under an assumed name. Is that legal?
'Colonel' Harrington
Seems to be. Women change their names so much anyway; it doesn't seem to matter.
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Mr. Pike
What's the matter with you?
Charles
Well, I mean to say, uh, haven't we met?
Jean
But of course we have. Your father just introduced us.
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Charles
You're so fine. You're so - I don't deserve you.
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Jean
[as Lady Eve]
Oh, now you're upset. Oh, dear, I never know when to keep my mouth closed. I was always taught to be frank and honest.
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Mr. Pike
All she wants is for you to go to New York and ask her.
Lawyer at Phone in Pike's Office
It's a trick!
Mr. Pike
Will you keep outta this. That's all she wants. When can you go?
Charles
Oh, that's all she wants, is it? You can tell her if she's waiting for me to ask her, she'll wait till Havana freeze over...
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Charles
The name of Angus will never cross my lips again, and I hope that you will do likewise. Now let us smile and be as we were.
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Mr. Pike
Will you talk to her?
Charles
I'll rot before I'll talk to her.
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Charles
I said, how do you mean Hubert or Herbert?
Jean
Jean, Charles: They were John's twin cousins.
Charles
John? Who was John?
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Jean
Boy, would I like to see you giving some old harpy the three-in-one.
'Colonel' Harrington
Don't be vulgar, Jean. Let us be crooked, but never common.
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