The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey 2012 - Movie Quotes

Galadriel Mithrandir? Why the Halfling?

Gandalf I don't know. Saruman believes that it is only great power that can hold evil in check. But that is not what I have found. I've found it is the small things, everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keeps the darkness at bay. Simple acts of kindness and love. Why Bilbo Baggins? Perhaps it is because I am afraid, and he gives me courage.

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Bilbo Baggins Good morning.

Gandalf What do you mean? Do you mean to wish me a good morning or do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not? Or perhaps you mean to say that you feel good on this particular morning. Or are you simply stating that this is a morning to be good on?

Bilbo Baggins All of them at once, I suppose.

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Bilbo Baggins I have... I have never used a sword in my life.

Gandalf And I hope you never have to. But if you do, remember this: true courage is about knowing not when to take a life, but when to spare one.

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Gandalf Well, why does it matter? He's back!

Thorin Oakenshield It matters. I want to know - why did you come back?

Bilbo Baggins Look, I know you doubt me, I know you always have. And you're right. I often think of Bag End. I miss my books. And my armchair. And my garden. See, that's where I belong. That's home. That's why I came back, 'cause you don't have one. A home. It was taken from you. But I will help you take it back if I can.

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Radagast I'll draw them off.

Gandalf These are Gundabad wargs. They will outrun you!

Radagast These are Rhosgobel rabbits. I'd like to see them try.

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Balin It's just the usual; summary of out-of-pocket expenses, time required, remuneration, funeral arrangements, so forth.

Bilbo Baggins Funeral arrangements?

[reads contract]

Bilbo Baggins Oh, up to but not exceeding one fourteenth total profit if any. Seems fair. Present company shall not be liable for injuries including but not limited to laceration, evisceration... incineration?

Bofur Oh, aye. He'll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye.

Balin You all right, laddie?

Bilbo Baggins Yeah, I'll be. Feel a bit faint

Bofur Think furnace, with wings.

Bilbo Baggins Yeah, I-I-I need air

Bofur Flash of light, searing pain, then poof, you're nothing more than a pile of ash.

Bilbo Baggins [long pause] Nope.

[faints]

Gandalf Very helpful, Bofur.

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Gandalf I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure.

Bilbo Baggins An adventure? No, I don't imagine anyone west of Bree would have much interest in adventures. Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things. Make you late for dinner.

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Gollum Is he lost?

Bilbo Baggins Yes, yes, and I want to get unlost... as soon as possible!

Gollum Oh! We knows! We knows safe paths for hobbitses! Safe paths in the dark... SHUT UP!

Bilbo Baggins I didn't say anything...

Gollum Wasn't talking to you!

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Thorin Oakenshield [singing] Far over the misty mountains cold / To dungeons deep and caverns old / We must away at break of day / to find our long forgotten gold

Dwarves [singing] The pines were roaring on the height / The winds were moaning in the night / The fire was red, it flame spread / The trees like torches blazed with light...

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Gandalf The world is not in your books and maps. It's out there.

Bilbo Baggins I can't just go running off into the blue! I am a Baggins of Bag End!

Gandalf You are also a Took. Did you know that your Great-Great-Great-Great Uncle Bullroarer Took was so large he could ride a real horse?

Bilbo Baggins Yes.

Gandalf Well he could! In the Battle of Greenfields, he charged the Goblin ranks. He swung his club so hard it knocked the Goblin King's head cleaned off and it sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit hole. And thus the battle was won and the game of golf invented at the same time.

Bilbo Baggins I do believe you made that up.

Gandalf Well, all good stories deserve embellishment. You'll have a tale or two to tell of your own when you come back.

Bilbo Baggins ...Can you promise that I will come back?

Gandalf No. And if you do... you will not be the same.

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Gandalf You will have to do without pocket handkerchiefs, and a great many other things, before we reach our journey's end, Bilbo Baggins. You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire, but home is now behind you. The world is ahead.

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Hobbit You! Mr. Bilbo, where're you off to?

Bilbo Baggins I'm already late.

Hobbit Late for what?

Bilbo Baggins I'm going on an adventure!

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Bofur [after falling] Well, that could have been worse...

[Great Goblin falls on the dwarves]

Dwalin Oh, you've got to be joking!

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Thorin Oakenshield You! What were you doing? You nearly got yourself killed! Did I not say that you would be a burden, that you would not survive in the wild and that you have no place amongst us? I've never been so wrong in all my life.

[Thorin embraces Bilbo]

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Old Bilbo In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole full of worms and oozy smells. This was a hobbit-hole and that means good food, a warm hearth, and all the comforts of home.

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Bilbo Baggins Why don't we have a game of riddles... Just, just you and me.

Gollum [comes towards Bilbo; as Friendly Gollum] Just... Just us?

Bilbo Baggins Yes... Yes! And if I win, you...

[gestures]

Bilbo Baggins ...You show me the way out, yes?

Gollum [nods] Yes, Yes...

[Gollum's pupils narrow as he becomes Treacherous Gollum. He growls as he back into the shadows; Bilbo looks uneasy]

Gollum [sinister whisper] And if it loses... what then?

[Gollum blinks; as Friendly Gollum]

Gollum Well... if it loses, Precious. then we EATS it!

[Gollum giggles sinisterly; then he turns to Bilbo]

Gollum [casually] And if Baggins loses, then we eats it whole.

[Gollum smiles and shrugs]

Bilbo Baggins [after a long pause] Fair enough.

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Balin [after overhearing Bilbo tell Gandalf he will not join the Dwarves on their journey] It appears we have lost our burglar. Probably for the best. The odds were always against us. After all, what are we? Merchants, miners, tinkerers, toy-makers. Hardly the stuff of legend.

Thorin Oakenshield There are a few warriors amongst us.

Balin Old warriors.

Thorin Oakenshield I would take each and every one of these Dwarves over an army from the Iron Hills. For when I called upon them, they answered. Loyalty. Honor. A willing heart... I can ask no more than that.

Balin You don't have to do this. You have a choice. You've done honorably by our people. You have built a new life for us in the Blue Mountains, a life of peace, and plenty. A life that is worth more than all the gold in Erebor.

Thorin Oakenshield [He holds up the key Gandalf has given him] From my grandfather to my father, this has come to me. They dreamt of the day when the Dwarves of Erebor would reclaim their homeland. There is no choice Balin. Not for me.

Balin Then we are with you, laddie. We will see it done.

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[Bilbo attempts to sneak out of the cave while the company sleeps but is stopped by Bofur]

Bofur Where do you think you're going?

Bilbo Baggins Back to Rivendell.

Bofur No. No. You can't turn back now. You're part of the company. You're one of us.

Bilbo Baggins I'm not now, am I? Thorin said I should have never have come and he was right. I'm not a Took, I'm a Baggins. I don't know what I was thinking. I should never have run out my door.

Bofur You're homesick. I understand.

Bilbo Baggins No you don't. You don't understand. None of you do. You're Dwarves. You're use to this life, to living on the road, never settling in one place, not belonging anywhere!

Bilbo Baggins [Bofur's expression falls and immediately Bilbo realizes he has gone too far] I'my sorry, I didn't...

Bofur [Bofur nods his head and looks around at the sleeping company] No you're right. We don't belong anywhere.

Bofur I wish you all the luck in the world. I really do.

[He smiles and pats Bilbo's arm]

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Thorin Oakenshield Where did you go, if I may ask?

Gandalf To look ahead.

Thorin Oakenshield And what brought you back?

Gandalf Looking behind.

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Dori [regarding a piece of lettuce] Try it. Just a mouthful.

Ori I don't like green food.

Dwalin Where's the meat?

Ori Have they got any chips?

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Old Bilbo It began long ago in a land far away to the east, the like of which you will not find in the world today. There was the city of Dale, its markets known far and wide, full of the bounties of vine and vale, peaceful and prosperous. For this city lay before the doors of the greatest kingdom in Middle-Earth: Erebor, stronghold of Thrór, King under the Mountain and mightiest of the Dwarf-Lords. Thrór ruled with utter surety, never doubting his house would endure, for his line lay secure in the lives of his son and grandson. Ah, Frodo, Erebor! Built deep within the mountain itself, the beauty of this fortress city was legend. Its wealth lay in the earth in precious gems hewn from rock and in great seams of gold running like rivers through stone. The skill of the Dwarves was unequalled, fashioning objects of great beauty out of diamond, emerald, ruby, and sapphire. Ever they delved deep, down into the dark and that is where they found it, the Heart of the Mountain... the Arkenstone. Thrór named it the King's Jewel, he took it as a sign, a sign that his right to rule was divine. All would pay homage to him, even the great Elven King Thranduil. But the years of peace and plenty was not to last. Slowly the days turned sour and the watchful nights closed in. Thrór's love of gold grown too fierce and sickness had begun to grow within him. It was a sickness of the mind. And where sickness thrives, bad things will follow...

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Kili [Kili is gently flirting with an Elf maid when he catches Dwalin glaring at him] I can't say I fancy Elves myself, too thin. They're all high cheekbones and creamy skin. Not enough facial hair for me.

[He motions to an Elf walking behind him]

Kili Although, that one there's not bad.

Dwalin That's not an Elf maid.

[the Elf turns around, revealing that he is indeed a male]

Kili [the Dwarves burst out laughing at Kili's mistake] That's funny.

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Thorin Oakenshield I cannot guarantee his safety.

Gandalf Understood.

Thorin Oakenshield Nor will I be responsible for his fate.

Gandalf Agreed.

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Gandalf I am Gandalf, and Gandalf means me.

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Bilbo Baggins I just need to sit quietly for a moment.

Gandalf You've been sitting quietly for far too long!

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Thorin Oakenshield And I am sorry for doubting you.

Bilbo Baggins No, it's fine. I would have doubted me too. I'm not a hero, or a warrior...

[looks up at Gandalf]

Bilbo Baggins ... Not even a burglar.

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Frodo [finds a manuscript] What's this?

Old Bilbo That is private, keep your sticky paws off! It's not ready yet!

Frodo Not ready for what?

Old Bilbo Reading!

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Great Goblin You thought you could escape *Me*?

[He swings his mace, knocking Gandalf backwards; the dwarves stop Gandalf from toppling]

Great Goblin [mockingly] What are you going to do now, wizard?

[Gandalf pokes the Great Goblin in the eye with his stick, then cuts straight through his large belly with his sword]

Great Goblin [his last words before Gandalf cuts his throat] ... That'll do it...

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Old Bilbo The first they heard was a noise like a hurricane coming down from the North. The pines on the mountain creaked and cracked in the hot, dry wind. It was a fire-drake from the North. Smaug had come! Such wanton death was dealt that day, for this city of Men was nothing to Smaug. His eye was set on another prize. For dragons covet gold with a dark and fierce desire. Erebor was lost - for a dragon will guard his plunder as long as he lives. Thranduil would not risk the lives of his kin against the wroth of the dragon. No help came from the Elves that day... or any day since. Robbed of their homeland, the Dwarves of Erebor wandered the wilderness, a once mighty people brought low. The young Dwarf prince took work where he could find it, labouring in the villages of Men. But always he remembered the mountain smoke beneath the moon, the trees like torches blazing bright, for he had seen dragon fire in the sky and a city turned to ash. And he never forgave... and he never forgot.

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Galadriel You carry something. It came to you from Radagast. He found it in Dol Guldur.

Gandalf Yes.

Galadriel Show it to me.

[Gandalf takes out a package]

Elrond What is that?

Galadriel A relic... of Mordor.

Elrond A Morgul-blade!

Galadriel Made for the Witch-king of Angmar and buried with him. When Angmar fell, the Men of the North took his body and all that he possessed and sealed it within the High Fells of Rhudaur. Deep within the rock, they buried him. In a tomb so dark, it would never come to light.

Elrond This is not possible. A powerful spell lies upon those tombs, they can NOT be opened.

Saruman What proof do we have this weapon came from Angmar's grave?

Gandalf I can find none.

Saruman Because there IS none! Let us examine what we know: A single Orc pack has dared to cross the Bruinen, a dagger from a bygone age has been found and a human sorcerer who calls himself the Necromancer has taken up residence in a ruined fortress. It's not so very much. After all, the question of this Dwarvish company, however, troubles me deeply. I'm not convinced, Gandalf. I do not feel I can condone such a quest. If they had come to me, I might have spared them from this disappointment...

Galadriel [while Saruman talks] They are leaving.

Gandalf Yes.

Galadriel [smiles] You knew.

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Balin Don't mind him, laddie. Thorin has more cause than most to hate Orcs. After the dragon took the Lonely Mountain, King Thror tried to reclaim the ancient dwarf kingdom of Moria... but our enemy had got there first. Moria had been taken by legions of Orcs, led by the most vile of all their race, Azog the Defiler. The giant Gundabad Orc had sworn to wipe out the line of Durin. He began by beheading the King. Thrain, Thorin's father, was driven mad by grief. He went missing, taken prisoner or killed; we did not know. We were leaderless, defeat and death were upon us. That is when I saw him; the young dwarf prince facing down the Pale Orc. He stood alone against this terrible foe, his armour rent, wielding nothing but an oaken branch as a shield... Azog the Defiler learned that day that the line of Durin would not be so easily broken. Our forces rallied and drove the Orcs back; our enemy had been defeated... but there was no feast or songs that night, for our dead were beyond the count of grief. We few had survived and I thought to myself then 'There is one I could follow. There is one I could call King'.

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Dori Mr. Gandalf, can't you do something about this deluge?

Gandalf It is raining, Master dwarf, and it will continue to rain until the rain is done. If you wish to change the weather of the world, you should find yourself another wizard.

Bilbo Baggins Are there any?

Gandalf What?

Bilbo Baggins Other wizards?

Gandalf There are five of us. The greatest of our order is Saruman the White. And then there are the two Blue Wizards... You know, I've quite forgotten their names.

Bilbo Baggins And the fifth?

Gandalf Well, that would be Radagast the Brown.

Bilbo Baggins Is he a great wizard, or is he more like you?

Gandalf Well, I think he is a very great wizard... in his own way. He's a gentle soul who prefers the company of animals for others. He keeps a watchful eye over the vast forest lands to the East, and a good thing too. For always evil will look to find a foothold in this world.

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[Lord Elrond arrives at Rivendell. He greets the Dwarves, speaking in Elvish]

Gloin What does he say? Does he offer us insult?

Gandalf No Master Gloin, he's offering you food.

[the Dwarves quickly have a quiet discussion amongst themselves]

Gloin Very well then. Lead on!

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Kili [the ground suddenly begins to split beneath them during the thunder battle, with each brother jumping to a different side of the crack as it widens] What's happening?

Fili [Reaches desperately towards his brother] Kili, grab my hand! Ki...

Kili [a look of terror cross his face as the cliff face his brother is on moves further away] Fili!

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[first lines]

Old Bilbo My dear Frodo, you asked me once if I had told you everything there was to know about my adventures. And while I can honestly say I've told you the truth, I may not have told you all of it. I am old, Frodo. I am not the same hobbit as I once was. It is time for you to know what really happened.

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Galadriel The dragon has long been on your mind.

Gandalf This is true, my lady. Smaug owes allegiance to no one, but if he should side with the Enemy... A dragon could be used to terrible effect.

Saruman What enemy? Gandalf, the Enemy is defeated. Sauron is vanquished. He can never regain his full strength.

Elrond Gandalf, for four hundred years, we have lived in peace - a hard-won, watchful peace.

Gandalf Are we, are we at peace? Trolls have come down from the mountains, they are raiding villages, destroying farms. Orcs have attacked us on the road!

Elrond Hardly a prelude to war.

Saruman Always you must meddle, looking for trouble when none exist...

Galadriel Let him speak.

Gandalf There is something at work beyond the evil of Smaug. Something far more powerful. We could remain blind to it but it will not be ignoring us, that I can promise you. A sickness lies over the Greenwood. The Woodsmen who live there now call it Mirkwood and, uh, they say...

Saruman Well, don't stop now. Tell us what the Woodsmen say.

Gandalf They speak of a Necromancer living in Dol Guldur, a sorcerer who could summon the dead.

Saruman That's absurd. No such power exists in this world. This "Necromancer" is nothing more than a mortal man, a conjurer dabbling in black magic.

Gandalf And so I thought too, but Radagast had seen...

Saruman Radagast? Do not speak to me of Radagast the Brown. He is a foolish fellow.

Gandalf Well, he's odd, I'll grant you. He lives a solitary life...

Saruman It's not that. It's his excessive consumption of mushrooms! They've addled his brain and yellowed his teeth!

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Bilbo Baggins [as Dwarves start musically banging cutlery on the tables] Careful! You'll blunt them!

Bofur [Amused] Oh, did you hear that, lads? He says we'll blunt the knives!

Dwarves [Gleefully singing] Blunt the knives! Bend the forks! Smash the bottles and burn the corks! Chip the glasses and crack the plates! That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!

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Thorin Oakenshield Out of the frying pan...

Gandalf ...and into the fire. Run. Run!

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Bilbo Baggins Can I help you?

Gandalf That remains to be seen.

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Bilbo Baggins [to the trolls, about cooking the dwarves] Well, I mean, have you smelled them? You're going to need something a lot stronger than sage before you can plate this lot up!

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Thorin Oakenshield Tell me, Mr. Baggins, have you done much fighting?

Bilbo Baggins Pardon me?

Thorin Oakenshield Axe or sword, what's your weapon of choice?

Bilbo Baggins [proudly] Well, I do have some skill at conkers, if you must know.

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Ori That's why we need a burglar!

Bilbo Baggins Hmmm, and a good one too, I would say. An expert.

Gloin And are you?

Bilbo Baggins [looks behind him, then back] Am I what?

Oin He said he's an expert! Hey hey!

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[as the trolls are roasting half a dozen of the dwarves on a spit over a fire]

Bilbo Baggins Wait, wait! You are making a terrible mistake!

Bert Troll Eh?

Dori You can't reason with them, they're half-wits!

Bofur Half-wits? What does that make us?

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Great Goblin Well, well, well... look who it is! Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, King Under the Mountain!

[bows mockingly]

Great Goblin Oh, but I'm forgetting, you don't have a mountain, and you're not a king, which makes you nobody, really.

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Elrond This is Orcrist, the Goblin Cleaver, a famous blade. Made by the High Elves of the West, my kin.

[hands it back to Thorin]

Elrond May it serve you well.

[unsheathes Gandalf's sword]

Elrond And this is Glamdring, the Foe-Hammer, sword of the King of Gondolin. These swords were made for the Goblin Wars long ago...

[Bilbo curiously looks at his own sword's blade]

Balin Wouldn't bother, lad. Swords are named for the great deeds they do in war.

Bilbo Baggins What are you saying? That my sword hasn't seen battle?

Balin Not actually sure it is a sword. More of a letter opener, really.

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Bilbo Baggins My name is Bilbo Baggins!

Gollum Baggines? What is Bagginses?... Precious.

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Great Goblin I know someone who would pay a pretty price for your head. Just the head, nothing attached. Perhaps you know of whom I speak, an old enemy of yours. A Pale Orc astride a White Warg.

Thorin Oakenshield Azog the Defiler is no more. He was slain in battle long ago!

Great Goblin So you think his defiling days are done, do you?

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[Bilbo opens the door]

Dwalin Dwalin, at your service.

Bilbo Baggins Um...

[bows]

Bilbo Baggins Bilbo Baggins, at yours.

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Gandalf Far to the east, over ranges and rivers lies a single solitary peak.

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Bilbo Baggins [griping about the dwarves] They pillaged the pantry. I'm not even going to tell you what they've done to the bathroom, they all but destroyed the plumbing. I don't understand; what are they doing in my house?

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[last lines]

Bilbo Baggins You're right, I do believe the worst is behind us now.

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Frodo They're all coming. Except for the Sackville-Bagginses, who are demanding you ask them in person.

Old Bilbo Are they indeed? Over my dead body.

Frodo They'd probably find that quite agreeable. They're convinced you have tunnels overflowing with gold.

Old Bilbo It was one small chest - hardly overflowing. And it still reeks of troll!

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Gandalf Here lies the Last Homely House East of the Sea.

Thorin Oakenshield This was your plan all along - to seek refuge with our enemy?

Gandalf You have no enemies here, Thorin Oakenshield. The only ill will to be found in this valley is that which you bring yourself.

Thorin Oakenshield You think the Elves will give our quest their blessing? They will try to stop us.

Gandalf Of course they will. But we have questions that need to be answered. If we are to be successful this will need to be handled with tact, and respect, and no small degree of charm, which is why you will leave the talking to me.

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Great Goblin [singing] Bones will be shattered, necks will be wrung! You'll be beaten and battered, from racks you'll be hung! You will die down here and never be found, down in the deep of Goblin Town!

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Gandalf When did doilies and your mother's dishes become so important to you?

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Balin Ohhh! Evening, brother.

Dwalin By my beard, you're shorter and wider than last time we met.

Balin Wider, not shorter. But sharp enough for the both of us.

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Thorin Oakenshield Do we sit back while others claim what is rightfully ours? Or do we seize this chance to take back Erebor?

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Thorin Oakenshield So this is the Hobbit.

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Elrond So this is your purpose, to enter the mountain?

Thorin Oakenshield What of it?

Elrond There are some who would not deem it wise.

Gandalf What do you mean?

Elrond You are not the only guardian to stand watch over Middle-Earth.

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Radagast The Greenwood is sick, Gandalf. A darkness has fallen over it. Nothing grows anymore, at least nothing good. The air is fouled decay, but worst are the webs.

Gandalf Webs? What do you mean?

Radagast Spiders, Gandalf. Giant ones. Some kind of spawn of Ungoliant or I'm not a wizard. I followed their trail, they came from... Dol Guldur.

Gandalf Dol Guldur? But the old fortress is abandoned.

Radagast No, Gandalf, 'tis not. A dark power dwells in there. Such as I have never felt before. It is the shadow of an ancient horror. One that can summon the spirits of the dead. I saw him, Gandalf, from out of the darkness. A Necromancer has come!

Necromancer [whispers in an unknown language]

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Bilbo Baggins I am surrounded by dwarves! What are they doing here?

Gandalf Oh, they're quite a merry gathering. Once you get used to them.

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Radagast A dark power has found its way back into the world.

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Yazneg [in Black Speech] The Dwarf-scum, Master... we lost them. Ambushed by Elvish filth, we were...

Azog I don't want excuses. I want the head of the Dwarf-king!

Yazneg There was nothing we could do! I barely escaped with my life!

Azog Far better you had... paid with it.

[throws him into the Wargs' den, and they tear him to pieces]

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Balin I have to agree with Mr. Baggins, he is hardly burglar material.

Dwalin Aye, the wild is no place for gentle folk who can neither fight nor fend for themselves.

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[Radagast endeavors to cure an ailing hedgehog]

Radagast I don't understand why it's not working! It's not as if it's witchcraft!

[pause]

Radagast Witchcraft... Oh, but it IS. A dark and terrible magic...

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Bilbo Baggins [Bilbo interrupts as Tom the troll about to eat Bombur] Uh... no, no, not... not that one, he... he's infected!

William Troll [taken aback] You what?

Bilbo Baggins Yes, he's got worms in his... tubes.

Tom Troll Ooh!

[Tom throws down Bombur in disgust]

Bilbo Baggins In-in fact, they all have. They're infested with parasites, it's a terrible business, I wouldn't risk it, I really wouldn't.

Oin Parasites? Did he say parasites?

Kili Yeah, we don't have parasites!

[to Bilbo]

Kili You have parasites!

[Thorin realizes that Bilbo is trying to buy them time and kicks Kili, and the dwarves realize what Bilbo is doing]

Oin I've got parasites as big as my arm!

Kili Mine are the biggest parasites, I've got huge parasites!

Nori We're riddled!

Ori Yes, I'm riddled!

Dori Yes, we are, badly!

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Dwalin I thought we had lost our burglar.

Thorin Oakenshield He's been lost ever since he left his home. He should not have come, he has no place among us.

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Radagast [shows Gandalf a Morgul-blade] That thing is not from the world of the living...

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Azog [in Black Speech] Do you smell it? The scent of fear? I remember your father reeked of it... Thorin, son of Thrain.

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Thorin Oakenshield Rumors have begun to spread, The dragon Smaug has not been seen in many years... Perhaps the vast wealth of our people lies unprotected... perhaps it is time to take back Erebor!

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[from trailer]

Gandalf You asked me to find the fourteenth member of this company and I have chosen Mr. Baggins.

Bilbo Baggins Me? No! No no no!

Gandalf Hobbits can pass unseen by most if they choose, which gives us a distinct advantage.

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Gollum [to Bilbo; after answering the first riddle] Our turn...

[reciting riddle; as he recites, Gollum menacingly creeps around a rock, not taking his eyes off of Bilbo, who slowly and cautiously steps away from him]

Gollum Voiceless it cries; Wingless flutters; Toothless bites; Mouthless mutters.

[he glares at Bilbo deviously]

Bilbo Baggins Just a minute...

[Bilbo walks away to think]

Gollum [his pupils widen; as Friendly Gollum] Ooo, Ooo! We knows! We knows!

[as treacherous Gollum]

Gollum Shut up!

Bilbo Baggins [Bilbo sees ripples in the lake, made by the wind; he smiles] Wind...

Bilbo Baggins [turning to Gollum] It's wind, 'course it is.

[Gollum growls]

Gollum [prowling towards Bilbo] Very clever, hobbitses... VERY CLEVER...

Bilbo Baggins [holds out his sword towards Gollum, stopping him; reciting] A... A box without hinges, key, or-or lid... and yet, golden treasure inside is... hid.

Gollum [Gollum creeps away to think; as he is thinking, he begins to mutter and whisper to himself] Box... um uh... Box... lid... and a key...

Bilbo Baggins Well?

Gollum [annoyed; pointing at Bilbo] It's nah-stee.

[He continues to whisper to himself]

Bilbo Baggins Give up?

Gollum [strained] Oh, give us a chance, precious! Give us a CHANCE!

[Gollum continues to groan, growl, grunt and hiss in frusteration. As he thinks, he makes faces; making "oo" sounds and blowing raspberry sounds with his lips stretched when suddenly, his eyes open wide and his mouth is agape]

Gollum *EGGSES!*

[Gollum chuckles as Bilbo shakes his head, dismayed]

Gollum Eggses! Wet, crunchy little eggses! Grandmother taught us how to suck them, yes! heh, heh...

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Bilbo Baggins [as four dwarves start rearranging his kitchen, his doorbell rings again] Oh no. No. There's nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There're far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If this is some cluthead's idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in VERY poor taste!

[He opens the door, and eight dwarves fall in a heap in front of him]

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Balin What news from the meeting in Ered Luin? Did they all come?

Bilbo Baggins Aye, envoys from all seven kingdoms.

Balin Ah, all of them!

Dwalin And what did the Dwarves of the Iron Hills say? Is Dain with us?

Bilbo Baggins They will not come. They say this quest is ours and ours alone.

Dwarves You're doing a quest?

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Gandalf Of course I was going to tell you, I was waiting for this very chance. And really, I think you could trust that I know what I am doing.

Elrond Do you? That dragon has slept for 60 years. What will happen if your plan should fail? If you wake that beast...

Gandalf But if we succeed. If the Dwarves take back the mountain, our defenses in the East will be strengthened!

Elrond It is a dangerous move, Gandalf.

Gandalf It is also dangerous to do nothing or cut the throne of Erebor, it's Thorin's birthright. What is it you fear?

Elrond Have you forgotten? A strain of madness runs deep in that family. His grandfather lost his mind, his father succumbed to the same sickness. Can you swear Thorin Oakenshield will not also fall? Gandalf, these decisions do not rest with us alone. It is not up to you or me to redraw the map of Middle-earth.

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Gandalf [counting on his fingers] Fili, Kili... Oin, Gloin... Dwalin, Balin... Bifur, Bofur, Bombur... Dori, Nori, Ori...

Bifur [grunts something in Khazdul and slaps his elbow]

Gandalf Yes, you're quite right, Bifur. We appear to be one dwarf short.

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Bilbo Baggins [1st riddle] Thirty white horses, on a red hill; First, they champ. Then they stand; the, they stand still.

[Gollum pauses; thinking]

Gollum [unsure] Uh... Teeth?

[Bilbo looks defeated]

Gollum [excitedly] TEETH!

[Gollum laughs; Bilbo smiles half-heartedly]

Gollum Yes! my precious!

[inhales deeply]

Gollum [very serious] But we, we... we only have... NINE.

[He bares his nine, crooked, yet sharp teeth; to show emphasis]

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Great Goblin [as Gandalf attacks] He wields the Foe-Hammer! The Beater! Bright as daylight!

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[Gollum discovers that Bilbo has the One Ring in his possession]

Gollum [horrified whisper] He stole it.

[Bilbo stands there; holding Sting out in front of him]

Gollum [anger rising] He stole it!

[Gollum's face contorts with rage; then he lets out a scream of extreme fury]

Gollum [shouts] AAAAARRRRAAAAHHHHH! He *STOLE* it!

[as he says this, Gollum throws a stone at Bilbo, who blocks it with his sword. The rock hits and bounces off the sword with a "clang". Bilbo immediately bolts for his life. Gollum screams in fury as he chases after him]

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Gandalf Does it not worry you that the last of the Dwarf-rings should simply vanish along with its bearer? Of the Seven Dwarf-rings, four were consumed by dragons, two were taken by Sauron before he fell in Mordor... the fate of the last Dwarf-ring remains unknown, the ring that was borne by Thrain.

Saruman Without the Ruling Ring of Power, the Seven are no value to the Enemy. To control the other Rings, he needs the One. And that Ring was lost long, long ago. It was swept out to sea by the waters of the Anduin.

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Bilbo Baggins [feeling the One Ring in his pocket; to himself] What... have I got... in my pocket?

[Gollum; who is crouching on a stalagmite, holding a rock he is meaning to throw at Bilbo, scowls, thinking Bilbo's question as a riddle]

Gollum That's not fair... That's not fair! It's against the *rules*!

[In a hissy fit, Gollum throws the rock down. Bilbo looks on in amazement]

Gollum [pouting] Ask us another one!

Bilbo Baggins [points his sword at Gollum] No, no. You said, "ask me a question." Well, *That* is MY question. "What Have I Got In My Pocket?"

[Gollum growls in reluctance as he jumps down from his stalagmite perch and crouches on the floor beside his hideout]

Gollum [holding up only two fingers] It must give us three guesses, precious! It must give us *three*!

Bilbo Baggins Three guesses, very well. Guess away!

Gollum [holds up his hands] Handses!

Bilbo Baggins [shows Gollum that his left hand is out of the pocket] Wrong. Try again.

[Gollum groans in frustration]

Gollum [rummaging through his belongings in his hole; to himself] I've got Fishses bones, Goblinses bones, Bat's wings, food...

[He growls; thinking hard; he slaps his hands down repeatedly when...]

Gollum [shouts] *KNIFE*! Oh, shut up!

Bilbo Baggins Wrong again. Last guess.

Gollum String... or nothing!

Bilbo Baggins Two guesses at once. Wrong both times.

Gollum [groans; defeated] Ooooooohhh...

[as he groans; Gollum flops on his side. He lies in a fetal position as he sobs softly]

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Dori Mr. Gandalf? A glass of red wine as requested. It's got a fruity bouquet.

Gandalf Ah, cheers.

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Gollum Ahh. We have one for you: All things it devours, birds, beasts, trees, flowers. Gnaws iron, bites steel, grinds hard stones to meal. Answer us.

Bilbo Baggins Give me a moment, please, I gave you a good long while. Please. Please. Please. I don't know this one.

Gollum Is it tasty? Is it scrumptious? Is it crunchable?

Bilbo Baggins Let me think. Let me think.

Gollum It's stuck. Bagginses is stuck. Time's up.

Bilbo Baggins Time. Ti - the answer is time. Actually, it wasn't that hard.

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Gollum What has it got in its nasty little pocketses?

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Gollum [having discovered Bilbo; maliciously gleeful] Bless us and splash us, precious! THAT'S a meaty mouthful. ah...

[Gollum creeps forward; Bilbo lifts up his sword so that it's tip touches Gollum's throat. Gollum gawks at the blade, taken aback]

Gollum Ah... Gollum, Gollum! Ack!

[He glares at Bilbo fearfully and slowly backs away]

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[as the dwarves are disarmed, Grinnah partially unsheathes Thorin's sword, and throws it away in horror]

Great Goblin [recoils] I know that sword! It is the Goblin Cleaver! The Biter! The blade that sliced a thousand necks! Slash them! Beat them! Kill them! Kill them all! Cut off his head!

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Gandalf All good stories deserve embellishment.

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Gollum [searching for "his precious"; the one ring; wails in despair] Lost! My precious is LOOOOSSST!

[Gollum lets out a gasping sob; Bilbo takes the One Ring out of his pocket and hides it behind his back]

Bilbo Baggins [concerned] What have you lost?

Gollum [crying] Mustn't ask us! Not its business! Noooo... Gollum! Gollum!

[Gollum sobs softly]

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Bilbo Baggins [swinging his sword at Gollum] *Keep* your distance! *I'LL* use this... if I have to!

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[Bilbo is trying to escape Gollum and gets stuck in a crevice. Gollum sees him. With an angry screech, Gollum prowls towards him]

Gollum [ferociously] It's ours... It's...

[snarls]

Gollum OURS!

[as Gollum shrieks, Bilbo unsticks himself; his brass buttons from his vest pop and fly. Gollum looks startled as one of the buttons bounces off his nose]

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Gollum Lost? Lost? Lost? Where is it? Where is it? No! Ahh! Where is it? No! No! Lost! Curses and splashes, my precious is lost!

Bilbo Baggins What have you lost?

Gollum Mustn't ask us! Not its business! No! Gollum, Gollum.

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Gandalf The dawn will take you all!

William Troll Who's that?

Bert Troll No idea.

Tom Troll Can we eat him too?

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Gollum [to Bilbo;sweetly] Ask us.

[a moment's pause]

Gollum [harshly] ASK US!

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Bilbo Baggins [Grabbing a doily from Nori] Excuse me, that is a doily, not a dishcloth.

Bofur But it's full of holes!

Bilbo Baggins It's supposed to look like that, it's crochet.

Bofur Oh, and a wonderful game it is too, if you've got the balls for it.

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Ori I'm not afraid, I'm up for it. I'll give him a taste of the dwarfish iron right up his jacksy!

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Galadriel I fear this quest has set in motion forces we do not yet understand.

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Elrond These runes were written on a Midsummer's Eve by the light of a crescent moon nearly 200 years ago. It would seem you were meant to come to Rivendell. Fate is with you, Thorin Oakenshield. The same moon shines upon us tonight.

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Gandalf Save me from the stubbornness of Dwarves. Your pride will be your downfall.

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Galadriel The riddle of the Morgul Blade must be answered. Something moves in the shadows unseen, hidden from our sight. It will not show itself. Not yet. But every day it grows in strength.

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Balin We're all right! We're alive!

Bofur Where's Bilbo? Where's the Hobbit?

Ori There!

Dwalin Get him! I thought we'd lost our burglar.

Thorin Oakenshield He's been lost ever since he left home.

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Great Goblin If they will not talk, we'll make them squawk! Bring out the Mangler! Bring out the Bone Breaker! Start with the youngest.

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Gollum Oh! We like Goblinses, batses, and fishes, but we hasn't tried Hobbitses before. Is it soft? Is it juicy?

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Gollum Give it to us! It's ours. It's ours! Thief! Baggins!

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Dori Excuse me, Mr. Gandalf?

Gandalf Yes?

Dori May I tempt you with a cup of chamomile?

Gandalf Oh, no, thank you, Dori. A little red wine for me, I think.

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Great Goblin Don't just stand there; search them! Every crack, every crevice.

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Bilbo Baggins [referring to Bilbo Baggins] He looks more like a grocer than a burglar.

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Bilbo Baggins Have you smelt them? You're gonna need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up!

William Troll What do you know about cooking dwarf?

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Fili If there is a key, there must be a door.

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William Troll Mutton yesterday, mutton today. And blimey, if it don't look like mutton again tomorrow.

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Gollum What has roots as nobody sees, is taller than trees. Up, up, up it goes, and yet, never grows.

Bilbo Baggins The mountain.

Gollum Yes, yes, oh, let's have another one, eh? Yes, come on, do it again, do it - do it again. Ask us.

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Bilbo Baggins No. No. No. Wait. We do not want any adventures here, thank you. Not today. Not - I suggest you try Over the Hill or Across the Water.

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William Troll How come he's the cook? Everything tastes the same, everything tastes like chicken.

Tom Troll Except the chicken.

William Troll What tastes like fish!

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Great Goblin [about his "Goblin Town" song] Catchy, isn't it? It's one of my own, personal compositions.

Balin [appalled] That's not a song...

[shouts]

Balin It's an ABOMINATION!

[the other dwarves shout and jeer in angry agreement]

Great Goblin Abominations, disfigurations, mutilations, and repulsions... That's all you're going to find down here.

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Gandalf Enough! If I say Bilbo Baggins is a burglar then a burglar he is!

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Bilbo Baggins I've never stolen a thing in my life.

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Bilbo Baggins Uh, excuse me? Sorry, I hate to interrupt. But the thing is, I'm not entirely sure you're in the right house... It's not that I don't like visitors. I like visitors as much as the next Hobbit. But I do like to know them before they come "visiting"... The thing is, I don't know either of you. Not in the slightest. I don't mean to be blunt, but I had to speak my mind. I'm sorry.

Balin Apology accepted.

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Old Bilbo Go on then. You don't want to be late. He doesn't approve being late. Not that I ever was. In those days, I was always on time. I was entirely respectable, and nothing unexpected - ever happened.

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Frodo Do you think he'll come?

Old Bilbo Who?

Frodo Gandalf.

Old Bilbo Oh, he wouldn't miss a chance to let off his whiz poppers.

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Old Bilbo It still smells of troll.

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Thorin Oakenshield You think that's funny? You think a night raid by Orcs is a joke?

Kili We didn't mean anything by it.

Thorin Oakenshield No you didn't. You know nothing of the world.

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Balin The task would be difficult enough with an army behind us, but we number just 13, and not 13 of the best, nor brightest.

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Gollum Nasty goblinses. Better than old bones, Precious.

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Gandalf The Elves could help us, we could get food, rest, advice.

Thorin Oakenshield I do not need their advice.

Gandalf We have a map that we cannot read. Lord Elrond could help us.

Thorin Oakenshield Help? A dragon attacks Erebor. What help came from the Elves? Orcs plunder Moria, desecrate our sacred halls, the Elves looked on and did nothing! You ask me to seek out the very people who betrayed my grandfather, who betrayed my father.

Gandalf You are neither of them.

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Gollum It's got an elfish blade, but it's not an Elfs. Not an Elfs, no. What is it, Precious? What is it?

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[Gandalf, Bilbo and the dwarves ride their ponies through a rainy forest]

Dori Here, Mr. Gandalf! Can't you do something about this deluge?

Gandalf the Grey It is raining, Master Dwarf, and it will continue to rain until the rain is done! If you wish to change the weather of the world, you should find yourself another wizard!

[Dori rolls his eyes]

Bilbo Baggins Are there any?

Gandalf the Grey What?

Bilbo Baggins Other wizards?

Gandalf the Grey There are five of us. The greatest of our order is Saruman the White. Then there are the Two Blue Wizards.

[pauses]

Gandalf the Grey You know, I've quite forgotten their names.

Bilbo Baggins And who is the fifth?

Gandalf the Grey Well, that would be Radagast the Brown.

Bilbo Baggins Is he a great wizard or is he... more like you?

[Gandalf is not amused]

Gandalf the Grey I think he is a *very* great wizard, in his own way. He's a gentle soul who prefers the company of animals to others. He keeps a watchful eye over the vast forest lands to the east. And a good thing too, for always evil will look to find a foothold in this world.

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Bilbo Baggins What's the matter?

Kili We're supposed to be looking after the ponies.

Fili Only we've encountered a... slight problem.

Kili We had sixteen.

Fili Now there's fourteen.

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Bilbo Baggins What is it?

Kili Trolls.

Bilbo Baggins He's got Myrtle and Minty! I think they're gonna eat them, we have to do something.

Kili Yes, you should. Mountain trolls are slow and stupid, and you're so small. They'll never see you.

Bilbo Baggins Me? Me? No. No. No.

Kili It's perfectly safe!

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Bilbo Baggins Uh - wait, wait. Stop! Stop! We have to turn around.

Gandalf What on earth is the matter?

Bilbo Baggins I forgot my handkerchief.

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Balin Welcome, Master Baggins, to the company of Thorin Oakenshield.

Thorin Oakenshield Give him a pony.

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William Troll Gotcha! Are there any more of you little fellas hiding where you shouldn't?

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Bert Troll I'm just saying, a little appreciation would be nice. 'Thank you very much, Bert.' 'Lovely stew, Bert.' How hard is that? Mmm. Just needs a sprinkle of squirrel dung

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Tom Troll Oh! I don't like horse. I never have. Not enough fat on them.

William Troll Well, it's better than a leathery ol' farmer. All skin and bone he was. I'm still pickin' bits of him out o' me teeth.

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Oin Ravens have been seen flying back to the mountain as it was foretold. When the birds of the old return to Erebor, the reign of the beast will end.

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The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Movie Quotes