Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo Movie Quotes
T.J. Hicks
Did you know Holland invented chicken and waffles?
Deuce Bigalow
Really?
T.J. Hicks
Before that you could get chicken or waffles, but they were the first to put them together! Black people all over the world will be forever grateful to the Dutch for that.
Deuce Bigalow
You know the Dutch started the slave trade.
T.J. Hicks
THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS!
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T.J. Hicks
Can't a brother put his hand down another man's pants without setting off the faggot alarm?
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T.J. Hicks
I ain't gay! I was just looking down his pants 'cause i heard his shlong was so big, and juicy! No wait! That didn't sound right!
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Deuce Bigalow
T.J., I'm so glad you are here.
T.J. Hicks
How did you find me?
Deuce Bigalow
Well, this seemed like the only chicken and waffles place in all of Holland.
T.J. Hicks
Ohhh, so the black guy has to go to a chicken and waffles place, that's Racist!
Deuce Bigalow
But you're here.
T.J. Hicks
Yeah, but figuring it out was racist.
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Deuce Bigalow
We're gonna prove that you didn't kill anyone.
T.J. Hicks
I don't give a damn about that. It's the "extremely gay" part that's bothering me. I mean, if I'm a murderer, they'll welcome me home with open arms. Get out of jail and become a huge rapper. But a gay pimp? Like, where am I going? Vermont?
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Angry European
[while throwing stones at the Frenchman] Fuck off, you Yank!
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[as he is being arrested]
Gaspar Voorsboch
I will see you again, man-whore!
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T.J. Hicks
[after Deuce is biting T.J.'s nipple while high on space cake]
Get off my tittie, you doped up cracker!
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Deuce Bigalow
Why aren't You in disguise?
T.J. Hicks
I'm in disguise! ..I'm in blackface!
T.J. Hicks
...But You're black.
T.J. Hicks
Yeah, well, I'm disguised as a different black guy.
Deuce Bigalow
No, that's not it!
T.J. Hicks
You're such a racist, man, I got a good mind not to let You help prove I'm innocent!
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Heinz Hummer
I am Heinz Hummer. I'm the gigolo with the most below. Okay? I can give you a Filthy Lopez like you never had before. I could give you a Cambodian Creamsicle... that will make you scream all night. Okay? But not now because I'm busy. So leave me alone, bitch.
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Tourist
I'm from Canada and I'm wasted!
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Wealthy Woman in Car
[pulls up in a car]
Hey guys! I need a quick gigolo fix. What do you say?
Enzo Giarraputo
[aware that a manwhore killer is on the loose]
Ahh. I'm judging a sand castle building competition this afternoon so... I can't help you.
[the woman drives off]
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T.J. Hicks
What is that? That is not a dick in my hand.
[as He is being escorted into a car by the Police]
T.J. Hicks
Anybody got some antibacterial gel? I got burnt dick on my hand.
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Chadsworth Buckingham, III
[asking gigolos about their night]
So... Assapopolis, got any She-Johns lined up for Tonight?
Assapopoulos Mariolis
I got the herpes. What're you gonna do, heh.
Chadsworth Buckingham, III
[chuckles Sarcastically, then rips off band-aid]
Liar! Mahmoud, What's your excuse?
Mahmoud
Uh, I just realized... I'm gay. Does anyone... want a blow job?
[all the other Manwhores make a Sourly disgusted Face]
Dutch Gigolo
I do.
Mahmoud
Ok then. I guess I'd better go... put that penis in my mouth.
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T.J. Hicks
You like them big hairy balls dont ya?
T.J. Hicks
Ah you pussy get off of me, get off of me!
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Enzo Giarraputo
[on the phone]
No, Mom, if you're going to stick two in there, you're going to need a lot of lubricant... okay, bye.
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T.J. Hicks
That is Assapopoulos, he can kiss people with his butt whole
Deuce Bigalow
I don't ever wanna see that.
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T.J. Hicks
Oh, you're asking if I got ass-punked, is what's goin on here?
Deuce Bigalow
...Not if you don't want to talk about it.
T.J. Hicks
Well, you see, it turns out that I'm not really... that attractive.
Deuce Bigalow
Well, you've been cleared of murder, but people still think you're gay.
T.J. Hicks
Hey, don't tell nobody I'm not gay, I mean, just think of it; T.J.; the Gay mans Pimp! Man, I'm the corner Market man, check out my new bitches.
[a bunch of gay people stare, and wave at T.J]
Deuce Bigalow
O.k. then, lets go grab some chicken, and Waffles, my treat.
T.J. Hicks
[Offended]
Hey, You sayin' the first thing a Brother wants when He get's out of jail is..
[to the gay clients]
T.J. Hicks
HEY, get yo she-cocks back to work!
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Eva
Before I can go on a date I have to eat 2 herring, collect 5 different tulips and drink a beer from a wooden shoe.
Deuce Bigalow
That's do-able!
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Gaspar Voorsboch
[pointing a Sword at Deuce]
You die with the rest of them, Gigolo! Those Gigalos... robbed Me of My Manhood, I was never able to satisfy a Woman, and I shall see to it that they don't either!
[Starts sword fighting with Deuce]
Deuce Bigalow
You don't have to kill anybody, Gaspar, cause You can please a Woman! These Gigalos... don't know what they're talking about!
Chadsworth Buckingham, III
[Watching from the TV outside the Building]
Is He talking about us?
Deuce Bigalow
Do You really think that all a Woman wants; is for someone to give Her a mud pretzel, Turkish snow cone, or an Irish facial?
Chadsworth Buckingham, III
Yes they do, liar!
[All the Women nod in disagreement]
Deuce Bigalow
All a Woman really wants; is someone who cares about Her, asks Her about or day, or how She's feeling... or or at least pretends to.
Chadsworth Buckingham, III
[All the Women agree with Deuce]
What?
Gaspar Voorsboch
...or when She's sad...
[Gaspar lunges his sword at Deuce, but misses]
Gaspar Voorsboch
... cry with Her! Face it, these Gigalos are just ripping Women off!
Chadsworth Buckingham, III
Hey, I'll let You know that I've had absolutely no complaints from any of those freaks!
Lily
[Slaps His Face]
I faked it!
Deuce Bigalow
Women don't care if You drive a fancy car, wear a Rolex watch, or have a gigantic schlong like... Heinz Hummer.
Mahmoud
This Guy knows his shit!
Chadsworth Buckingham, III
[All the Gigalos pull out objects that make it look like they have bulges]
What are You all doing?... anybody else? *Lil' Kim pulls out a Tootsie roll*
Deuce Bigalow
Let a Woman You know You really care about Her, and maybe She'll give You an Irish facial.
Gaspar Voorsboch
[Knocks the sword out of Deuces hand, pulls out the remote detonator]
We die together, Deuce!
Deuce Bigalow
Please sir, You don't have to do this!
Gaspar Voorsboch
They ruined My Life!
Deuce Bigalow
Just give Me the detonator...
Gaspar Voorsboch
No, My penis exploded!
Deuce Bigalow
O.k... that's a tough one, I'll give You that, but having a penis... is overrated, trust Me.
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T.J. Hicks
We'll find the killer using your twat-sicle.
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Security Guard
Um, Excuse me sir, but this is a Private Club, Manwhores only.
Lil' Kim
Hey, I'm a real GOOD Manwhore, just go ask yo Mamma.
Security Guard
STILL, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Lil' Kim
And that's what yo Momma said after I bang her!
Lil' Kim
[starts laughing hysterically]
Security Guard
O.k., that's it.
Security Guard
[Tosses Lil' Kim in the dumpster]
Lil' Kim
Hey, yo MAMMA's in here!
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Gaspar Voorsboch
We will die together, Douche!
Deuce Bigalow
Please, you don't have to do this.
Gaspar Voorsboch
Those Manwhores ruined my life!
Deuce Bigalow
Just give me the detonater.
Gaspar Voorsboch
No, my Penis exploded!
Deuce Bigalow
O.k., that's a tough one, I'll give you that, but... having a Penis, is way over rated, trust me.
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T.J. Hicks
[T.J. is in Jail, and is testing all the male inmates]
Let Me give You the low-down on T.J., now, back in Thailand, I was a sideshow host at a Carnival, did an act to where I was eating broken glass, and we did at least 6 shows a day, now THAT'S a lot of broken glass! ..and it's all collected in the lining of My anus...
[the Prisoners seem unmoved by his story]
T.J. Hicks
My ass is like one damned cheese grater!
[the Camera cuts to all the inmates staring at T.J. as if uninterested]
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Deuce Bigalow
[on the way to the Man-Whore awards, and Eva is riding behind them]
Hey look, there's Eva!
Gaspar Voorsboch
Oh.
[starts speeding up]
Deuce Bigalow
Hey what are you doing, she's right behind us.
Eva
Deuce!
[Deuce peaks his head out the window, and looks back]
Eva
he's the killer!
Deuce Bigalow
Huh, what?
Eva
You're with the killer!
Deuce Bigalow
Uh.. I'm with the dealer?
Eva
He's the Man-Whore killer!
Deuce Bigalow
Um..Eighteen Wheeler?
Eva
[comes right up close to the Passengers Window]
My uncle is the killer!
Deuce Bigalow
Oh, I'm with the...
[Turns his attention to Gaspar who points a gun at him]
Deuce Bigalow
...you're the Killer?
Gaspar Voorsboch
She said: You are with the killer, you stupido!
Deuce Bigalow
Ohhh.
[looks near the back seat, and notices a barely opened hand bag with the Leopard-coat, and a blond wig showing]
Deuce Bigalow
...but... why, what did Man-Whores ever do to YOU?
Gaspar Voorsboch
What did they do to me? All my life, I wanted to be one thing, a Gigolo, yes, me, Gaspar Voorsboch! I'll never forget that day, it was my first Semester at Man-Whore University.
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T.J. Hicks
This guy, here? Baron Von Doggy Style. Led a pimping expedition to the Arctic Circle. Froze to death sixty-nining a moose. The only thing left of him
[takes the statue's stick]
T.J. Hicks
is this stick...
[T.J. shows Deuce the stick]
T.J. Hicks
...which he used to bitch-slap Eskimos.
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Marlene Alsmere
Baby hungry? Want booby?
Deuce Bigalow
Baby never eat again.
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[the Frenchman blows his cigarette smoke in Deuce's face]
Deuce Bigalow
Excuse me, but in America, they don't allow smoking in aquariums.
Frenchman
[In his thick European accent]
Ah, well in Europe we don't unilaterally attack a country just to steal their oil.
Deuce Bigalow
What?
[the Frenchman continues to blow his cigarette smoke in Deuce's face]
Frenchman
[In thick European accent]
What? Did I offend you? Are you gonna shock and awe me? Maybe you should check my pocket for weapons of mass destruction.
Deuce Bigalow
What are you talking about? I just asked you to put your cigarette out.
Frenchman
[In his thick European accent]
What is next? Take wine away from my children? I put out my cigarette. Go Bless America!
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Deuce Bigalow
This shirt will make a great ice-breaker.
Angry European
Fuck you American, you imperialistic dog!
Pro American Woman
I love America, I love President Bush. Thank you for bringing democracy to Iraq.
Angry European
Shut *up*!
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Earls Son
Um, Daddy, I was looking through your underwear drawer, and I found this really cool bracelet.
Earl McManus
Holy Mother of God, that is not a bracelet, son. That's a device that your Daddy has to put on his, he... his he... Happy Birthday son, you got a bracelet!
Earls Son
Cool.
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