Ed Wood Movie Quotes
Orson Welles
Visions are worth fighting for. Why spend your life making someone else's dreams?
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Conrad Brooks
Mr. Lugosi? I know you're very busy, but, um... can I have your autograph?
Bela Lugosi
Certainly.
Conrad Brooks
You know which movie of yours I love, Mr. Lugosi? The Invisible Ray. You were great as Karloff's sidekick.
Bela Lugosi
Karloff? Sidekick? FUCK YOU! Karloff does not deserve to smell my shit! That limey cocksucker can rot in Hell for all I care!
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
What happened?
Bela Lugosi
How dare that asshole bring up Karloff? You think it takes talent to play Frankenstein? It's all makeup and grunting!
[mocks Frankenstein]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Bela, I agree with you 100%. Now, "Dracula," that's a role that requires talent.
Bela Lugosi
Of course. Dracula requires presence. It's all in the eyes, and the voice, and the hands...
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
That's right. That's right. You seem a little agitated. You wanna to go outside and get some air?
Bela Lugosi
Bullshit! I'm ready now! Roll the camera!
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[At the "Plan 9" premiere]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
This is the one. 'This' is the one I'll be remembered for.
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Bela Lugosi
Home? I have no home. Hunted... despised... living like an animal. The jungle is my home! But I will show the world that I can be its master. I shall perfect my own race of people... a race of atomic supermen that will conquer the world!
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Listen, I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime, grab some dinner, maybe?
Vampira
You mean a date? I thought you were a fag.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
No, no, I'm just a transvestite.
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
[after Thor Johnson bumps into a scenery wall while walking through a door making the wall shudder]
Ok, and CUT! PERFECT! PRINT IT!
Cameraman Bill
Don't you wanna do another take Ed? Seems like big baldy had some problems gettin' through that door.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
No, it's fine. It's real. You know, in actuality, Lobo would have to struggle with this problem every day.
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
We don't have a permit. Run!
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Bela Lugosi
This is the most uncomfortable coffin I've ever been in. Your selection is quite shoddy. You are wasting my time.
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[Bunny Breckenridge is being baptized]
Reverend Lemon
Welcome to the fold, brother. Welcome. Praise the lord, brother. Do you reject Satan and all his evils?
Bunny Breckinridge
Sure.
[after his baptism, Bunny swims towards Ed Wood]
Bunny Breckinridge
How do you do it? How do you get all your friends to get baptized just so you can make a monster movie?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
It's not a monster movie. It's a supernatural thriller.
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[Stepping into water]
Bela Lugosi
GODDAMN, it's cold!
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
It'll warm up once you're in it.
Bela Lugosi
FUCK YOU! You come out here!
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
What are you drinking, Bela?
Bela Lugosi
Formaldehyde
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Straight up or on the rocks?
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Dolores Fuller
Ed, what's *my* motivation?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
You're the file clerk. You're running into the next room and you run into Janet.
Dolores Fuller
But are we good friends or is she just a casual acquaintance?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Dolores, I have five days to complete this picture. Don't get goofy on me.
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Dr. Tom Mason
[They are all sitting in a pew in the Baptist church, during a church ceremony; impersonating Bela Lugosi]
I want to suck your blood. I want to suck your blood!
Bunny Breckinridge
Let's hear you call Boris Karloff a cocksucker.
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
And cut! Print. We're moving on. That was perfect.
Ed Reynolds
Perfect? Mr. Wood, do you know anything about the art of film production?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Well, I like to think so.
Ed Reynolds
That cardboard headstone tipped over. This graveyard is obviously phony.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Nobody will ever notice that. Filmmaking is not about the tiny details. It's about the big picture.
Ed Reynolds
The big picture?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Yes.
Ed Reynolds
Then how 'bout when the policemen arrived in daylight, but now it's suddenly night?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
What do you know? Haven't you heard of suspension of disbelief?
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Do you know that I've even had producers re-cut my movies?
Orson Welles
I hate when that happens.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
And they always want to cast their buddies. It doesn't even matter if they're right for the part.
Orson Welles
Tell me about it. I'm supposed to do a thriller for Universal. They want Charlton Heston as a Mexican.
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
[on phone with Mr. Feldman]
Really? Worst film you ever saw. Well, my next one will be better. Hello. Hello.
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Criswell
Eddie, we're in show biz. It's all about razzle-dazzle. Appearances. If you look good, and you talk well, people will swallow anything.
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Why, if I had half a chance, I could make an entire movie using this stock footage. The story opens on these mysterious explosions. Nobody knows what's causing them, but it's upsetting all the buffalo. So, the military are called in to solve the mystery.
Editor on Studio Lot
You forgot the octopus.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
No, no, I'm saving that for my big underwater climax.
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Dolores Fuller
You people are insane! You're wasting your lives making shit! Nobody cares! These movies are terrible!
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Kathy O'Hara
Eddie's the only fella in town who doesn't pass judgment on people.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
That's right. If I did, I wouldn't have any friends.
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Bunny Breckinridge
What about glitter? When I was a headliner in Paris, audiences always liked it when I sparkled.
Bunny Breckinridge
Cat's Eyes.
Bunny Breckinridge
Well, I'm going to need some antennae.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
No! You're the ruler of the galaxy! Show a little taste!
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[Waiting to be baptized in a swimming pool]
Vampira
Why couldn't we do this in the church?
Criswell
Because Brother Tor couldn't fit in the sacred tub.
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[on the reason for the success of 'Dracula(1931)']
Bela Lugosi
They were mythic. They had a poetry to them.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Yes.
Bela Lugosi
And you know what else? The women... the women preferred the traditional monsters.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
The women? Huh?
Bela Lugosi
The pure horror, it both repels, and attracts them, because in their collective unconsiousness, they have the agony of childbirth. The blood. The blood is horror.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
You know, I never thought of that.
Bela Lugosi
Take my word for it. If you want to make out with a young lady, take her to see "Dracula".
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[on the phone to Bunny]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Listen, hit the bars, work some parties, and get me transvestites. I need transvestites. All right. Bye.
Bela Lugosi
Eddie, what kind of a movie is this?
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Boy, Mr. Lugosi, you must lead such an exciting life! When is your next picture coming out?
Bela Lugosi
I have no next picture.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
You gotta be joking, a great star like you? You must have dozens of them lined up!
Bela Lugosi
Back in the old days, yes... Now, no one gives two fucks for Bela.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
But you're a big star!
Bela Lugosi
No more. I haven't worked in four years. This business, this town, it chews you up, then spits you out.
[pauses]
Bela Lugosi
I'm just an ex-boogeyman.
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
I like to dress in women's clothing.
Georgie Weiss
You're a fruit?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
No, not at all. I love women. Wearing their clothes makes me feel closer to them.
Georgie Weiss
You're not a fruit?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
No, I'm all man. I even fought in W.W.2. Of course, I was wearing women's undergarments under my uniform.
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Dolores Fuller
[arriving for her scenes in "Bride of the Monster"]
Well, I see the usual cast of misfits and dope addicts are here.
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Bela Lugosi
I refuse to drive in this country. Too many madmen.
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Criswell
[First lines]
Greetings, my friends! You are interested in the unknown. The mysterious. The unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing you the full story of what happened. We are giving you all the evidence based only on the secret testimony of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, places. My friends, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Can your heart stand the shocking facts of the true story of Edward D. Wood Jr.?
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[Bela Lugosi casts a love spell on Vampira who is on TV while moving his fingers like Dracula]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
My Gosh, Bela, how do you do that?
Bela Lugosi
You must be double-jointed. And you must be Hungarian.
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[repeated line]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Cut! That was perfect!
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Is there a script?
Georgie Weiss
Fuck no. But, there's a poster.
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
You know, you're, you're much scarier in real life than you are in the movie.
Bela Lugosi
Thank you.
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
This story's gonna grab people. It's about this guy, he's crazy about this girl, but he likes to wear dresses. Should he tell her? Should he not tell her? He's torn, Georgie. This is drama.
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Ed Reynolds
Before we start shooting, Mr. Wood, we have a few questions.
Reverend Lemon
Yes. The script contains numerous references to graverobbing. Now we find the concept of digging up consecrated ground to be highly offensive. It is blasphemy.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
What are you talking about, it's the premise of the movie. It's the title of the movie for Christ sakes.
Reverend Lemon
But Mr. Wood!
Ed Reynolds
Yes, about that title. It strikes us as very inflammatory. Why don't we change it to Plan 9 from Outer Space.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Huh. That's ridiculous.
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[while he and the others flee the chaotic premiere of "Bride of the Monster" in a cab]
Bela Lugosi
Now that was a premiere.
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Bela Lugosi
Pull the string! Pull the string!
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[Bride of the Monster wrap party. Mariachi band plays "Que sera sera"]
Tor Johnson
Mister Bunny, what's wrong? I heard you were becoming a lady.
Bunny Breckinridge
Oh, that. Mexico was... a nightmare. We got into a car accident... he was killed. Our luggage... was stolen. The surgeon... turned out to be... a quack. If it hadn't been for these men...
[gestures to the Mariachi band]
Bunny Breckinridge
I don't know... how I would have... survived,
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[watching Tor Johnsson at his wrestling match]
Bunny Breckinridge
Guess where I'm going next week.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
I don't know. Where?
Bunny Breckinridge
Mexico. Guess what I'm doing when I get there.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
I don't know. Lie on a beach.
Bunny Breckinridge
Wrong. I'm getting my first series of hormone injections. And when those girls kick in, they're going to take out my organs, and make me a woman.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Are you serious?
Bunny Breckinridge
It's something I've wanted to do for a long time. But it wasn't until I saw your movie that I realized: I have to take action! GOODBYE PENIS!
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Waiter
Hi, would you like some water?
Loretta King
No. No water. No liquids! I'm terribly allergic to them.
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Ed Reynolds
[referring to Tor Johnson]
Why did you give HIM all the dialog? He is unintelligible!
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Look, Bela's dead and Vampira won't talk. I had to give somebody the dialog!
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Bela Lugosi
They don't want the classic horror films anymore. Today it's all giant bugs. Giant spiders, giant grasshoppers... Who would believe such nonsense?
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Georgie Weiss
So, what was the important news you couldn't tell me on the phone, again?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Well, I started thinking about what you were saying about how your movies need to make a profit. Now, what is the one thing, if you put it in a movie, it'll be successful?
Georgie Weiss
Tits.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
No, better than that. A star.
Georgie Weiss
Kid, you must have me confused with David Selznick. I don't make major motion pictures; I make crap.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Yes, but if you take that crap and put a star in it, then you've got something.
Georgie Weiss
Yeah. Crap with a star.
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[Ed is cross-dressed on the set of "Glen or Glenda"]
Dolores Fuller
How can you just walk wound like that in front of all these people?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Well hon, nobody's bothered but you. Look around.
Dolores Fuller
Ed, this isn't the real world. You've surrounded yourself with a bunch of WEIRDOS!
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Oh say it a little louder, I don't think Bela heard you!
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Criswell
Bela, would you like a wine?
Bela Lugosi
No. I never drink... wine.
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[Bela Lugosi answers the door on Halloween night wearing his Dracula costume]
Children
Trick or treat!
[At the sight of Dracula, all but one little boy scream and run away]
Bela Lugosi
Aren't you scared, little boy? I'm going to drink your blood!
Trick-or-Treating Kid
You're not a real vampire. Those teeth don't frighten me.
[Bela looks puzzled. Ed Wood appears next to him in the doorway]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
How 'bout these?
[Pulls out his entire row of front teeth]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
[Little boy screams and runs away]
Bela Lugosi
Hey... How d'you do that?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Dentures!
[Holds them up]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Lost my pearlies in the war!
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Kathy... I'm about to tell you something that I never told any girl on a first date. But I think it's important that you know... I like to wear women's clothes.
Kathy O'Hara
Huh?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
I like to wear women's clothes. Panties, brassieres, sweaters, pumps. It's just something I do. And I can't believe I'm telling you this, but I really like you, and I don't want it getting in the way down the road.
Kathy O'Hara
Does this mean... you don't like sex with girls?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
No, I love sex with girls.
[long pause]
Kathy O'Hara
Okay.
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Bela Lugosi
[pointing to a Tesla Coil on the set of "Bride of the Atom"]
I'm not getting near that goddamn thing. One of them burned me in "The Return of Chandu".
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
...and then, Dr. Vornoff falls into the pit, and his own octupus attacks and eats him. The end.
Old Man McCoy
Whew! That's quite a story.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Yes.
Old Man McCoy
So, uh, you made the movie, and now you wanna make it again?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
No. We shot ten minutes of the movie, and now we're looking for completion funds.
Old Man McCoy
Oh, son, you're too vague.
[Yells to one of his butchers]
Old Man McCoy
BILLY BOB! You're cuttin' em too lean.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Mr. McCoy. How can I make you happy?
Old Man McCoy
[Spits]
Okay. Two things. Number one: I want the movie to end with a big explosion. Sky full of smoke.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Yes. But it ends with Dr. Vornoff falling into the pit.
Old Man McCoy
Not any more. Number two: I got a son. Little slow, but a good boy, and somethin' tells me he'd make a helluva leadin' man.
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
I met Bela Lugosi.
Dolores Fuller
Why, I thought he was dead.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
No, he's very much alive. Well, sort of.
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Georgie Weiss
Why would Lugosi wanna do a sex-change flick?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Because he's my friend!
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Tor Johnson
[after the fake octopus falls on him]
Better than wrestling!
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Vampira
You're watching our Halloween movie, "White Zombie", starring Bela Lugosi, John Harron, Madge Bellamy, and a bunch of other people I've never heard of.
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Hey Cris, how'd you know we'd be living on Mars by 1970?
Criswell
I guessed. I made it up.
[Leans over to Ed]
Criswell
It's horseshit.
Criswell
Eddie, there's no such thing as a psychic. People believe my folderol because I wear a black tuxedo.
Criswell
Eddie, we're in show biz. It's all about razzle-dazzle. Appearances. If you look good and you talk well, people will believe anything.
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
[Reading a review]
Look, he's got some nice things to say here. "The soldiers' costumes are very realistic." That's positive!
Bunny Breckinridge
Rave of the century.
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[Bela, in his Dracula costume, hears the doorbell on Halloween night]
Bela Lugosi
Children! I love children.
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[On the phone, agitated]
Georgie Weiss
Look, look, look, when I said that you could have the western territories, I didn't mean all 11 states! I meant California, Oregon, and, uh, what's that one on top...
[Looks at map]
Georgie Weiss
Washington! Yeah, yeah. Oh, really? Well, *screw you*!
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
They're driving me CRAZY. These Baptists are stupid. Stupid. STUPID.
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
It's a guaranteed blockbuster.
Ed Reynolds
Hmm. Ah, I understand this science fiction is popular, but uh, don't the big hits always have big stars?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Well we have a big star: Bela Lugosi.
Ed Reynolds
Bela Lugosi? Why, I though he passed on.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Yes. Yes he did. But...
[produces tiny spool of film]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
I've got the last footage he ever shot.
Ed Reynolds
Well, it doesn't look like very much.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Mr. Reynolds, this is the acorn that will grow a great oak! I'll just get a double to finish his scenes, and we'll release it as "Bela Lugosi's Final Film"!
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Nurse
Oh my goodness, you gave me the willies! You look like that Dracula guy.
Bela Lugosi
My name is Bela Lugosi... and I wish to commit myself.
Nurse
For what reason?
Bela Lugosi
I have been a drug addict for twenty years. I NEED HELP!
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Say, let's get married.
Kathy O'Hara
Huh?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Right now. Let's go to Vegas.
Kathy O'Hara
But, Eddie, it's pouring and the car top is stuck.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Phooey. It's only a five hour drive and it'll probably stop raining by the time we get to the desert. Heck, it'll probably stop by the time we get around the corner. Let's go.
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Photographer #1
Whose crazy idea was it to bury him in the cape?
Photographer #2
I heard it was in the will. It was how he wanted to be remembered.
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Dolores, I have 5 days to finish this picture. Don't get goofy on me.
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Mr. Reynolds.
Ed Reynolds
Yes.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
We are going to finish this picture just the way I want it... because you cannot compromise an artist's vision.
Reverend Lemon
But it's OUR money.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
And you're gonna make a bundle, but only if you shut up and let me do things my way.
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[making up the bald Dr. Tom to look like Bela Lugosi]
Makeup Man Harry
Ed, what am I gonna do here.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
What do you mean?
Makeup Man Harry
He has no hair.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Gee, I never noticed that. Put a wig on him!
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Bela Lugosi
Beware. Beware. Beware of the big, green dragon that sits on your doorstep. He eats little boys, puppy dog tails and big, fat snails. Beware. Take care. Beware.
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Reverend Lemon
[sees Ed come out in drag]
Mr. Wood, what do you think you're doing!
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
I'm directing.
Ed Reynolds
Not like *that* you're not.
Reverend Lemon
Remove that getup immediately. You shame our lord.
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
I'm a movie director.
Tor Johnson
Movies? You mean like the Mickey Mouse?
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
[talking on phone]
Bunny? We're making another movie! Yes. I got the Baptist Church of Beverly Hills to put up the cash!
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Bunny, I gotta go...
[Ed opens the door to find a short man, a fat man, and a Chinese man]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
[sighs, shakes head]
He's too short, he's too... tall, he's... just not going to work.
Paul Marco
Well, Ed. I was thinking like when Bela played Fu Manchu...
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
[Pulls Paul aside]
[wispering]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Paul, that was Karloff.
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[Finds Bela ailing]
Bela Lugosi
This happens all the time.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Is there anything I can get for you? Water or a blanket?
Bela Lugosi
Goulash.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
I don't know how to make goulash.
[See the track marks on Bela's arm]
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Bela, what's in the needle?
Bela Lugosi
Morphine. With a demerol chaser.
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Are you people insane? I'm the director. I make the casting decisions around here.
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Bunny Breckinridge
Oh, what does that old queen know?
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Is something wrong, Bela?
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Dolores Fuller
This is so embarrassing for me!
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Of course it is! That's why you should take the role!
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Cameraman Bill
Don't you want a second shot, for protection?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Protection from what? It was perfect!
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
I have twenty-five scenes to shoot tonight!
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Tony McCoy
I only got one hour of sleep last night.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Yeah well I got no sleep and I feel great. Go get em, kid!
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Ed Reynolds
My associates and I, we wish to produce a series of uplifting religious films about the apostles. But unfortunately, we don't have enough money.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Well, raising money is tough.
Ed Reynolds
No, our church has enough money for one film. We just don't have enough for all twelve.
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Look at his head! It's uncanny!
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Actors! I must have my actors!
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Criswell
Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
My girlfriend still doesn't know why her sweaters are always stretched out.
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Mr. Lugosi, why are you buying a coffin?
Bela Lugosi
I'm planning on dying soon.
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Dolores Fuller
Ed, it's over. I need a normal life.
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Tor Johnson
Yeah, right. In your dreams!
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Bela Lugosi
Eddie, last night was quite a romp. Did you see that kid grab Vampira's boobies?
[chuckles]
Bela Lugosi
I envied him.
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[Ed and his crew have gone to a studio warehouse at night to borrow some props. But the door is padlocked]
Tor Johnson
Lobo will fix!
[he rips the bolt off the door]
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Orson Welles was only 26 when he made Citizen Kane. I'm already 30.
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Nobody wants to see this piece of shit!
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Hey, you can't talk that way about my movie!
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Edward D. Wood, Jr.
Bela, those people are parasites, they just wanna exploit you.
Bela Lugosi
Fine. Let them. There is no such thing as bad press, Eddie.
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Dolores Fuller
[to Ed wearing her sweater]
God, how can you act so casual when you're dressed like that?
Edward D. Wood, Jr.
It makes me feel comfortable.
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