Menu
Русский
Cancel
Your tickets in your personal cabinet
Kinoafisha TV Shows Family Guy Quotes Q&A

Family Guy quotes

[Stewie and Brian in the mall]
Stewie Griffin 10 bucks.
Brian Griffin Five bucks.
Stewie Griffin Eight bucks and I'll do it.
Brian Griffin Fine.
[Stewie goes running through the center courtyard naked]
Stewie Griffin Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!
[Stewie walks back to Brian naked]
Stewie Griffin Ha! I am so outrageous. Gimme the cash.
[Stewie starts counting the money]
Brian Griffin Cold in here?
Stewie Griffin Nope, just really small.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Tom Tucker And now, here's Ollie Williams, with the BlaccuWeather Forecast. Ollie!
Ollie Williams IT'S GON' RAIN!
Tom Tucker Thanks, Ollie.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO".
Brian Griffin Peter, those are Cheerios.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Interviewer [Peter is at a job interview] So, Peter, where do you see yourself in ten years?
Peter Griffin [thinks] Don't say doin' your wife, don't say doin' your wife...
[out loud]
Peter Griffin Doin' your, er...
[sees photo of interviewer on the beach with his wife and son]
Peter Griffin ... son?
[interviewer's shocked expression]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔 1
🥱
Lois Griffin What's going on?
Stewie Griffin We're playing house.
Lois Griffin The boy is all tied up.
Stewie Griffin Roman Polanski's house.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Woman Running Rehab Clinic What's your name?
Peter Griffin Uh
[looks around and sees a pea on a plate]
Peter Griffin Pea.
Peter Griffin [sees a woman crying] tear uh
Peter Griffin [a Griffin flys across the room] Griffin. yeah that's it, Peter Griffin.
[pause]
Peter Griffin Oh crap.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?
Meg Griffin No.
Glen Quagmire [Turns to Chris] Hey Chris, how's it going?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Huh, I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to?
[Scooby-Doo theme plays]
TV Announcer We now return to The Scooby-Doo Murder Files.
Fred Jones Gee whiz, gang. Looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped the body in the river.
Velma Jinkies! What a mystery!
Scooby-Doo [jumps on Shaggy's arms] Arroo!
Fred Jones You're right Scoob, we're dealing with one sick son of a bitch!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
John Edward [Peter is in the audience of "Crossing Over with John Edward"] I'm sensing an 'A'. Does your name begin with an 'A'?
Peter Griffin No.
John Edward A 'B'?
Peter Griffin No.
John Edward C? D? E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P...
Peter Griffin P! Peter! My name's Peter!
John Edward Is your name Peter?
Peter Griffin Wow! You are some kind of sorcerer.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[repeated line]
James Woods Oooh, a piece of candy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [during a camping trip in a beautiful forest] You know, sometimes I feel like the whole world was made just for me...
[cut to the moon control room from "The Truman Show"]
Control Room Director You think he's on to us, Christof?
Christof No, he's an idiot.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter has accidentally unleashed the 10 plagues]
Peter Griffin There has to be some explanation for this.
Brian Griffin You want an explanation?
[slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin GOD
[slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin IS
[slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin PISSED.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter Griffin Probably because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second.
[makes a loud, yelping sound that resembles a dog bark]
Lois Griffin Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Jaws Hey. I'm gonna eat 'cha. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that other one, too. I can see right up in them shorts. Got lots of rows of teeth to chew you with. Dun-na, Dun-na, Dun-na. Oh, I did eat a fat kid on a raft earlier. That's OK though, I have been swimming a lot.
[eats the swimmers]
Jaws . Yummy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Glen Quagmire Dear diary: Jackpot.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin [to Peter] Hey there, Sweetie! I got a wax this morning and let's just say you're cleared for landing. Huh?
Glen Quagmire [from afar] Giggidy!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Hey, let's play a game called "I never". You gotta drink if you never did the thing the person says they did.
Cleveland I got one - I never slept with a woman with the lights on.
[everyone drinks]
Joe Swanson I got one - I never slept with Cleveland's wife.
[Quagmire and Cleveland drink]
Peter Griffin I never did a chick in the Logan airport bathroom.
[Quagmire drinks]
Peter Griffin [later, Quagmire has 20 beers on the table] Oh, God, what else is there? I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance.
Glen Quagmire Oh, God!
[Quagmire drinks]
Joe Swanson I never picked up an illegal alien from Home Depot to take me home and choke me while I touch myself.
Glen Quagmire Oh, God!
[Quagmire drinks]
Peter Griffin Same thing except with a chick from JoAnn Fabrics.
Glen Quagmire Oh, Come on, this is getting ridiculous!
[Quagmire drinks]
Glen Quagmire [he passes out]
Joe Swanson Boy, he's out cold.
Peter Griffin Let's write on him!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin What's wrong, Stewie, don't you wanna pee in the toilet bowl like a big boy? Boy I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud.
[Flashbacks to one year ago]
Peter Griffin [Zips up pants] Hey Lois, I did it.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Young Peter Griffin Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Museum Curator Because you touch yourself at night.
[Peter looks down in shame]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [in Sunday School with several children during story time] And when you die, you go to a wonderful place called heaven
[children gasp in delight, Peter starts laughing]
Peter Griffin Nah, I'm just jackin' ya, you'll all rot in the ground.
[children look horrified]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Lois Griffin Meg, can you change Stewie?
Meg Griffin Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Oh, okay, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. Now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let 'im kill?
Brian Griffin That's, that's not a riddle. That's, that's just terrible.
Peter Griffin Wrong! It's the ugly one.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh here's where the story gets fun, uh, you may have noticed I'm missing an ear. Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So when you are ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[repeated line]
Glen Quagmire Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy-giggidy!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Yeah, I'm looking for some toilet training books.
Salesman Oh, yes, we can help you there. "Everyone poops" is still the standard, of course. We've also got less popular "Nobody Poops But You".
Peter Griffin Huh... well... you see... we're Catholic so... uh...
Salesman Oh, well then you want "You're a Naughty Child and that's Concentrated Evil Coming Out of the Back of You".
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Machine You have 113 new messages
[Phone starts to beep]
Lois Griffin Oh my!
Old Man Uh, yeah, I was just wondering, uh... where the newspaper boy was.
[beep]
Old Man Haven't seen the newspaper in a couple days. Wonderin' if he ever gonna come back.
[beep]
Old Man Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news.
[beep]
Old Man Where are you?
[beep]
Old Man Ah, you're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Forecast for tomorrow; A few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Peter, you brought this on yourself by putting on those filthy shows.
Peter Griffin Oh, Lois, you are so full of...
[a representative from the FCC blows an air horn, drowning out Peter's final word]
Peter Griffin What? I can't say
[horn]
Peter Griffin in my own
[horn]
Peter Griffin house!
[horn]
Peter Griffin great, Lois! Just
[horn]
Peter Griffin great! You know, you're lucky you're good at
[horn]
Peter Griffin my
[horn]
Peter Griffin or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about, when you
[horn]
Peter Griffin a lubed up
[horn]
Peter Griffin of toothpaste in my
[horn]
Peter Griffin while you
[horn]
Peter Griffin on a cherry
[horn]
Peter Griffin Episcopalian
[horn]
Peter Griffin extension cord
[horn]
Peter Griffin wetness
[horn]
Peter Griffin with a parking ticket. That is the best.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Adam West I love this job more than I love taffy, and I'm a man who loves his taffy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie [plucks a banjo] Oh! I feel so delightfully white trash! Mummy, I want a mullet!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire's Mom Here now, have milk.
[shows Glen Quagmire her breasts]
Glen Quagmire All right!
[starts sucking on her breast]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Say, what happened to the car wash thief?
Joe Swanson Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him.
Peter Griffin Looks like you got more competition at next year's special people's games, huh?
Joe Swanson Nope, he's dead.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Angry Man Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie Griffin What did you just say?
Lois Griffin Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie Griffin Pipe down Lois. Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.
Stewie Griffin [furiously kicks the seat in front of him] Wah wah wah my ears are popping and there's no way to console me Wah! Maybe I'm teething, Maybe I'm hungry, who knows? I'm a baby!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Oh, let me guess. Another box with a crank that I turn and turn and turn until... whoo... a clown pops out. Then you laugh, the kids laugh, the dog laughs, and I die a little more inside.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin Guess what I am.
Stewie Griffin Hmm, let me see. The end result of a drunken backseat gropefest and a damaged prophylactic?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Tom Tucker Now let's go to Greg The Weather Mime. OK... it's going to be cold... lots of wind... and it looks like parents are going to throw human fecal matter from the rooftops onto their children... oh, GOD. That's awful. No wait, it looks like rain. Yes, rain.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin See, my dad's smarter than yours.
Meg Griffin We have the same dad, lardo.
Chris Griffin Yeah, but mine's smarter.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [trying to console Cleveland at audition for a Bachelor show coming up] It's the fabric, It's the fabric. Let's get your clothes off.
[takes off Cleveland's shirt and pants]
Cleveland Peter, what is wrong with you? I'm naked.
Peter Griffin Oh, god you're self-conscious
[Peter takes off his shirt and pants too]
Peter Griffin See, now you're not alone.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter is visting Willy Wonka's chocolate factory]
Willy Wonka I'll ask you one more time - are you sure you didn't eat anything in my factory?
[Peter has become a giant blueberry]
Peter Griffin No.
Willy Wonka I'm just asking...
Peter Griffin What? Are you calling me a liar?
Willy Wonka No, I'm just saying...
Peter Griffin Hey, shut up, Wonka!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Herbert Hey, muscly arm, why the long face?
Chris It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something.
Herbert Who needs them? You like Popsicles?
Chris Well, sure.
Herbert Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles.
Chris No, thanks. I gotta get going.
Herbert Don't make me beg now.
Chris You're funny. Bye.
Herbert Get your fat ass back here.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter Griffin I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin My therapist said we should try a trick called "role reversal", it's where you pretend to be the person who makes you angry. Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's stupid and worthless and you should only listen to me, Peter.
Peter Griffin I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales but I won't let Peter buy anything he likes like that neon beer sign with the chick who had two mugs for jugs. It was only $8 and we had a dozen places to put it.
Stewie I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.
Brian Griffin I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Oh, I must give you my e-mail address. It's loismustdie, all one word, at yahoo dot com.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[the audience cheered and applause]
Lois Griffin Oh my god, they liked it?
[the audience throws Peter flowers]
Lois Griffin Stop it! Stop clapping right now!
[the audience stopped cheering and applause]
Lois Griffin What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged, they should be punished! That man has committed murder here this evening, and the victim's name is theater. This is the kind of mind-numbing shlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland. This isn't art, this isn't even entertainment. This... blows!
[the audience faced on Peter]
Peter Griffin Um...
[starts to fart long]
Peter Griffin [the audience laughs and gives him cheering and applause]
Lois Griffin See, this is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[the Griffins have inherited a mansion. Stewie is being waited on]
Stewie Griffin You. Cut my eggs.
[waiter cuts his eggs]
Waiter Your eggs are cut sir.
Stewie Griffin Now cut my milk.
Waiter Uh, I can't sir, it's liquid.
Stewie Griffin [slaps him] IDIOT. Freeze it, then CUT it. And if you ever question me again, I shall put you on diaper detail. And believe me, I will not make it easy on you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [trying to get Brian's attention] Look, I'm writing profanity on the walls!
[Stewie has written "poppycock"]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Well, if you want to be a hero right now it might be a good time.
Peter Griffin Geez, Brian, this isn't what I was expecting, I thought being a hero would be all fun and games.
Peter Griffin [cut to Peter with the Justice League] Sorry, Wonder Woman, I got three kings. Now let's see your pair.
[Wonder Woman sighs, then removes her bustier]
Peter Griffin [laughs] All right!
[looks offscreen]
Peter Griffin Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at her.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Do these huggies make my ass look big?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Darren (On Bewitched) The power of Christ compels you, bitch!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Meg, put your bib on.
Meg Griffin I don't want to wear a bib.
Lois Griffin Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on.
Peter Griffin She means your nipples are sticking out.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[during the preview for the new action movie about Jesus]
TV Announcer This July, let He who is without sin kick the first ass.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
LaDonne Hi, gorgeous man!
Stewie Griffin Oh, you... Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver?
LaDonne Stewie, this is Jeremy!
Jeremy Hey, little man!
[pats him on the head]
Jeremy So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend!
Stewie Griffin Wha- you- Girlfriend? Oh, what kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?
LaDonne Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed.
[picks him up]
Stewie Griffin [takes Jeremy's hat as he's carried away] Ha! I've got your hat! Take that, Hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hacky-sack tournee! I'm not going to lie down for some frat-boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal bandits and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitch, crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky-buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded "Simpsons" episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow." Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you?
[shouts]
Stewie Griffin So does everyone else! That is *exactly* the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together.
Announcer [for Homicide: Life on Sesame Street] This show contains adult content, and is brought to you by the letter H.
Bert [answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.
[gets out of bed and gets dressed]
Bert Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the *damn* bed.
Ernie Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Chris where have you been?
Chris Griffin Dad took me to see a plastic surgeon to have liposuction but I didn't have it done.
Lois Griffin Good for you Chris. That was a very grown-up decision. I mean what kind of egomanical pretentious jerk gets liposuction.
Peter Griffin [in a very sexy voice] Hello!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[looking at whales]
Chris Griffin Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter Griffin I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
William Shatner Now men, we are about to go on a very dangerous mission. It is highly likely that one of you will die. The crew that will go with me are Spock, McCoy and Ensign Ricky.
Ensign Ricky Aw crap.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin I don't need to $@%# impress you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin You should invent the frisbee! The frisbee is an awesome toy!
Meg Griffin The frisbee's already been invented.
Chris Griffin Then how come I've never heard of it?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter is receiving communion]
Peter Griffin Wow, is that really the blood of Christ?
Preacher Yes.
Peter Griffin Wow, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Do you have any past injuries, physical anomalies?
Peter Griffin Well, I didn't have gas for the first time 'til I was 30.
[flashback to Peter in the 1970s, sitting on a beanbag reading]
Peter Griffin [farting noise]
Peter Griffin What the hell was that?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Okay, I got it, I got it. If you cooked anymore slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you need an egg calendar.
[laughs]
Stewie Griffin Oh, that's right, I went there.
[cut to Happy Go-Lucky Toys, Inc]
Peter Griffin Okay, okay, wait, here's another one. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to them.
[everybody laughs]
Man Good one Peter.
Man 2 That's what they're for all right.
Lady Are you telling jokes? I love jokes.
Peter Griffin All right, then you'll love this one, okay. Why do women have boobs?
[she stares at him angrily]
Peter Griffin So you got something to look at while you're talking to them
[she's shocked, then Peter laughs]
Peter Griffin So you got something you look at while you're talking to them
[laughs]
Peter Griffin So you got - Y-you want to see me, Mr. Weed?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Step aside, its time for me to do my fatherly duty.
[laughs]
Peter Griffin I said duty, but no time to laugh about it now.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Jesus [talking about a gun] You know how to use one of these?
Chris Tucker [takes out a joint] You know how to use one of these?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Guy on Street #2 It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?
Guy on Street #1 Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and had to travel a distance 6.2 miles traveling at a rate of five miles a hour. When will Louie get here?
Guy On Street #2 Depends if he stops to see his ho.
Guy on Street #1 That's what we call a "variable".
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Peter, Stewie peed on the carpet again.
Peter Griffin Do... do I rub his nose in it?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Look at you. You spent all that time making Chris jealous and now you have an eating disorder.
Stewie Griffin Help me up.
Brian Griffin I would but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin They're getting nude! I mustn't watch, it's not the proper thing to... Wow! I say, nice ones, Janine! And look at Lisa in all of her curvaceous glory! Heavens, it appears that my weewee has been stricken with rigor mortis!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I tried finding my talent like you said. First, I tried art.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin Am I... am I supposed to draw the penis?
Peter Griffin Then I tried sculpting.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin Am I... am I supposed to sculpt the penis?
Peter Griffin Then I tried music.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin Am I... am I supposed to conduct with my penis?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Tom Tucker Coming up next: Diane's weight.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin Are we there yet?
Lois Griffin No, Chris, honey, we're not.
Chris Griffin Are we there yet?
Lois Griffin No, Chris.
Chris Griffin Are we there yet?
Lois Griffin Yes, Chris, yes, okay? We're there!
Chris Griffin Liar!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin This was even stupider than that time that Peter locked his keys out of his car.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [controlling a robot Peter] Blast, you vile woman!
Peter Griffin Blast, you vile woman!
Stewie Griffin Ugh, that'll never do... translator. You there, with the severe aesthetic deficiencies!
Peter Griffin Hey, ugly!
Stewie Griffin Excellent. Hahahahaha!
Peter Griffin Sweet. Hehehehehe!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Stewie's bath turns to blood]
Stewie Griffin How positively delightful... it's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Don't try to pawn this off on your sister! She's a good girl!
Chris Griffin Oh, yeah? Well, what about the time she strangled our other sister?
Lois Griffin Oh, honey, we told you... that never happened. It was just a bad dream.
Chris Griffin But I remember it so...
Lois Griffin Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: IT WAS A DREAM!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Adam West [after killing a Noid that ruined most of his pizza] Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Meg... is that a real Prada bag? How did you make $1100 as a waitress in a week?
Meg Griffin It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha...
Peter Griffin Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg. When did you become a teenager?
Lois Griffin Peter, she's sixteen.
Peter Griffin You KNEW about this?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Hooker Hey
Lois Griffin Peter, there's a hooker in the bed!
Peter Griffin Stand still, Lois. Their vision is based on movement
[they stand still]
Hooker Where did you go?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin NOOOOOO. Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin [talking to Chris] We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.
Peter Griffin She's right, son. Listen to what it says.
Lois Griffin Peter!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Joe Swanson Hey, Pat, where's the wheelchair ramp?
Pawtucket Pat Oh, we don't have one. I guess this is where you get off.
[Pawtucket Pat blows a whistle and the Chumba Wumbas come out]
Chumba Wumba Chorus Chumba Wumba gobbledy goo / Life isn't fair it's sad but it's true / Chumba Wumba gobbledy gee / When your poor legs are stiff as a tree.
Chumba Wumba #1 What do you do when you're stuck in a chair?
Chumba Wumba #2 Finding it hard to go up and down stairs?
Chumba Wumba #3 What do you think of the one you call God?
Chumba Wumba Chorus Isn't His absence slight-ly odd?
Chumba Wumba #4 Maybe He's forgotten you.
Chumba Wumba Chorus Chumba wumba gobbledy gorse / Count yourself lucky you're not a horse / They would turn you into dog food / Or to chumba wumba gobbledy glue!
[the Chumba Wumbas push Joe out of the factory]
Joe Swanson I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour! I'm a Coors man anyway. Silver bullet!
Chumba Wumba #2 Gobbledy glue!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin At least they don't put their feminine ointments next to the mustard, Lois. That was the worst hot dog I ever ate.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [after Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"] Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright Brothers.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Tooth #1 I claim this mouth in the name of incisor!
Tooth #2 Not so fast!
Tooth #1 Ah, bicuspid, we meet again. En garde!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Dad, now that you're retired, you're staying with us. No arguments, I'm putting my foot down.
Francis Griffin I don't want to be a bother.
Peter Griffin It's no bother, is it Lois?
Lois Griffin Of course not, we'd love to have you stay.
Francis Griffin You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.
Peter Griffin You hear that Lois? You love kids.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Glen Quagmire Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Glen Quagmire [laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter Griffin No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Glen Quagmire What? That's insane. That's impossible.
[pause]
Glen Quagmire Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Waitress Here you go, fella. From Flappy himself.
Stewie Griffin I don't care if they...
[Stewie is force-fed a bite of pancakes]
Stewie Griffin Oh... oh these are delectable. Hey, Flappy. Good news. I've decided not to kill you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin Cheesy Charlie's is great. They have a game where you put in a dollar and you get four quarters. I win every time.
🧡 1
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[the Griffins have been invited for dinner at the Campbells, a family of nudists]
Dotty Campbell Peter, can I get you a beer? I've got Bush.
[Peter unwillingly looks down at Dotty's crotch]
Dotty Campbell Oh, and Bush Lite.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I'm going to go to the bathroom.
[walks into an outhouse]
Peter Griffin Lois, I don't think it's a toilet. It's just a hole.
[an animal knocks over the outhouse]
Peter Griffin OH! OH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE! IT'S IN MY RACCOON WOUNDS!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [to Peter] When the world is mine, your death should be quick and painless.
[leaves]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Up! Stewie wants to go uppie! Mmm, mama's skin's so soft...
Lois Griffin Oh, aren't you affectionate tonight. Well,let me give you a kiss...
Stewie Griffin Another! Another! Mama has candy kisses!
Brian Griffin All right, that's enough!
[laves the table in disgust]
Lois Griffin Stewie... did you unhook mommy's bra?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter with Charles Manson and the Manson Family]
Peter Griffin Guys. I got invited to Sharon Tate's house. Now you can come, but you gotta promise not to embarrass me.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [Peter enters Meg's classroom wearing a towel] Hey Meg, you mind cleaning out the shower the next time you shave your legs? It's like a carpet in there.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin Chris, change the channel. I want to watch George Lopez
Chris Griffin That show just furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Now, I know you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[watching the sunset]
Lois Griffin Oh, Peter, I love you.
Peter Griffin [looks at watch] Uhh, about a quarter past five.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Baliff Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Peter Griffin I do... ya bastard.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Joe, I've had new neighbors before but none of them were half the man you are. And since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Hey, where's my VCR?
Hillbilly #1 Dangit, Buck, it's my turn to use the sex box.
Hillbilly #2 It's *my* sex box. And her name is Sony.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Hey, Mort, do these suppositories come in any other flavors?
Mort Goldman Peter! You're not eating those, are you?
Peter Griffin [sarcastically] No, I'm shoving them up my butt. Of course I'm eating them.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
Brian Griffin Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.
Peter Griffin [flashback] I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I would never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life.
[Lois slugs Peter, knocking him out - cut to nighttime]
Peter Griffin I awoke several hours later in a daze.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin I finally get my driver's license and the car gets taken away, how ironic.
Peter Meg, don't talk to your mother that way, she is not an iron.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin [shimmies around] Remember this? Remember?
Peter Griffin Oh yeah that reminds me, I gotta give myself a breast exam.
Peter Griffin [reaches into shirt and feels chest] Oh my God, a lump. A lump, oh no a lump, oh God... No, wait, Cheetoh.
[pulls Cheetoh out of shirt and eats it]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Janet Hi. Cookie?
Stewie Griffin Well, it's Stewie, but... you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis, " "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin.
[wiggles his tongue like a snake]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Disabled Man [with electronic voice] A sphincter says what?
Joe Swanson What?
Disabled Man Ha ha ha ha. You stupid bastard.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Peter, this is the final plague.
Peter Good 'cause this is starting to get boring.
Brian Peter, the final plague is the death of the first born son.
Peter Oh, no! Stewie!
Brian First born...
Peter Meg!
Brian [beat] Your wife.
Peter Chris!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[on buying a coffin...]
Peter Griffin I'll take it, but I won't pay a cent over $60.
Coffin Salesman Sir that casket costs $1000.
Peter Griffin 70 bucks.
Coffin Salesman Huh?
Peter Griffin 2000 bucks.
Coffin Salesman That's twice what it costs.
Peter Griffin [pauses] 40 bucks.
Coffin Salesman What?
Brian He... he doesn't know how to haggle.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin So if I walk through you, does that mean that we've, you know, done it?
Ghost Geez, what's with you and the gay jokes?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Jim What did you just call me?
Huck Griffin I thought that was your name.
Jim That is our word. You have no right to use it.
Huck Griffin Hey hey hey, I'm cool, I'm cool, no problem!
[pause]
Huck Griffin So, could you pass me the oar, 'n-word Jim'?
Jim Thank you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Chris hunts Meg with a "bogger" on his finger and tries to smear it in her face]
Meg Griffin Chris, cut it out! Brian, Chris just picked his nose and he keeps touching me with his finger!
Chris Griffin What good is mining "nosegold" if I can't share it with the townspeople?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.
Chris Griffin That would explain all the gravity.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Our children our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave her feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard. That was the worst sandwich I ever ate! She flosses in bed. She snores like a wildebeest. She freed Willie Horton. She nailed Donna Rice.
Lois Griffin Peter, that's enough.
Peter Griffin Eats babies.
[crowd applauds]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Lois you know my rule, You are only allowed to sleep with three people besides me, Gene Simmons, John Schneider or Boba Fett.
Boba Fett All right! Goodbye virginity!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Christmas is the time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living and we sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Hanson has showed up, asking to use the phone]
Peter Griffin Oh my god. It's the Children of the Corn.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Stewie and Brian are trying to sleep in a motel, a drug deal is heard in the next room]
Drug Buyer You got the stuff?
Drug Dealer Yeah I got it, where's the money, huh? I wanna see the money.
Drug Buyer No, no, no, you don't see the money 'till I see the stuff.
Stewie Griffin Oh, for God's sake, there's only one way to put an end to this nuisance.
[yelling]
Stewie Griffin HE'S WEARING A WIRE!
Drug Dealer What? You son of a...
[gunshots are heard following by a "body drop" sound effect]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin Where do you think you go when you die?
Southern boy I learned from church that if you're good you go to heaven but if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come.
Chris Griffin UPN?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Death holds up a document that Peter doctored to proclaim he was dead to avoid having to pay his medical bills]
Peter Griffin Where did you get that?
Death It was e-mailed to me by your HMO.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin This can be a great opportunity for you and Stewie to bond.
Peter Griffin Bond... James Bond. I'll do it.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Dennis Miller I don't want to go on a rant, here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate...
[Peter is watching this on TV]
Peter Griffin What the hell does rant mean?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left Dad alone in the house he turned it into a giant puppet.
[Scene switches to Peter yelling in a megaphone while moving the roof of the house up and down]
Peter Griffin Hey. Hey. Stay out of here. Hey. You better not come in here. I'm the Griffin's house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Cleveland You can stay with us, Meg, I just hope you don't mind that my uncle died in the guest bedroom.
Meg Griffin I guess that's OK. When did he die?
[opens the bedroom, a dead body is lying on the bed]
Cleveland We think it was some time between the Tonight Show and the Today Show.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin Somebody's in the closet!
Jeff Foxworthy You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.
Stewie Griffin You suck!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [in a Southern accent] Warm out today. Warm out yesterday. Even warmer today.
[strums up his banjo]
Stewie Griffin [singing] Met her on my CB / Said her name was Mimi / Sounded like an angel come to Earth /
Banjo Chorus Come to Earth /
Stewie Griffin But when I finally meet her / Boy, you should've seen her / Twice as tall as me, three times the girth /
Banjo Chorus Girth /
Stewie Griffin Oh, my fat baby loves to eat /
Banjo Chorus Loves to eat /
Stewie Griffin A big old Buddha belly, and her breasts swing past her feet /
Stewie Griffin Oh, my fat baby loves to eat /
Banjo Chorus Eat /
Stewie Griffin My big ol' fatass baby loves to eat!
Stewie Griffin [shouts] I GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [shouts] Rock lobster!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
God Let me light that for you, honey.
[he points, lights lady's cigarette with lightning bolt]
Lady Wow!
God Yeah, you like that? Magic Fingers...
[points again, lightning strikes lady, sets bar on fire]
God Jesus Christ!
Jesus What?
God Get the Escalade! We're Outta Here!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter is watching a movie]
Brian Griffin [walks into the room] What are you watching, Peter?
Peter Griffin "Passion of the Christ." I tell you Brian - I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me I would have done something...
[cut to Peter as Jesus being whipped by a Roman Guard]
Peter Griffin Aahh! Ahhh! Aaaaahh! Aaahhh!
[stops screaming]
Peter Griffin Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!
Roman Guard Okay...
Peter Griffin Okay?
Roman Guard Okay...
Peter Griffin All right.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Teacher In French, to say yes you say oui-oui.
[Peter starts laughing]
Peter Griffin Oh, man, that's hysterical.
[keeps laughing]
Peter Griffin Hey, what do you say for no, doo-doo?
[laughs]
Peter Griffin Hey, I'll be right back. I've got to go take a wicked yes.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[upon learning that Meg is dating a nudist]
Lois Griffin Now Meg, there's no need to get testes. I mean testy. Nuts. I mean crap.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian You recently returned from the Philippines. Where you made love to two Filipino women. And a man.
Quagmire You mean THREE Filipino women.
[pauses]
Quagmire Ahhhhhhh!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter is talking in his sleep]
Peter Griffin Oh, Jenny... ooh, Jenny, Ooh, Jenny don't stop... Oh, Richard Jeni, your HBO comedy specials have brought laughter to millions. And what a sweet ass.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Kids, stop fighting or we won't go to McDonalds after church.
Meg, Chris MOM!
Peter Griffin OK, we can go... but you can't supersize.
Chris Griffin Awwwwwwwwwww...
Peter Griffin OK, you can supersize but no apple pie.
Meg Griffin Oh, come on.
Peter Griffin OK, you can have an apple pie but you can't blow on it.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Auctioner Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Glen Quagmire Fifty bucks.
Auctioner She had nine STDs.
Glen Quagmire Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner And when we caught her she wet herself.
Glen Quagmire Fifty bucks.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Why are you here? The doctor said Peter was fine.
Death Yeah, well, I guess he would know. I mean, after all, he is a doctor, and I'm just - DEATH.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[observing Brian at a dog race]
Carter Pewterschmidt Oh my god. He's violating Sea Breeze.
Peter Griffin No, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... OK, NOW he's violating Sea Breeze.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Luke Skywalker Okay I'll just make a quick incision here and we'll be all done, Mrs. Wilson.
Ben Kenobi Luke, use the Force.
Luke Skywalker Really? Because I was just gonna...
Ben Kenobi Just use the Force.
Luke Skywalker Okay!
[Luke's lightsaber floats above Mrs. Wilson and stabs her right through the eye. She starts screaming]
Luke Skywalker Are you happy?
Ben Kenobi I've never been happy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[a fat Stewie is sitting on the porch]
Stewie Griffin Damn you, ice cream, come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me!
[to passersby]
Stewie Griffin What are you looking at, you infantile stupid? That's right, damn you and such.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin People make up lies all the time. You know Vietnam? Never happened.
Brian Griffin Yeah, but don't mention it around the Veteran's Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin God's watching me do number two? Oh man, I'm a sinner, and God's a pervert.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[during a company sexual harassment training video]
Narrator Remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Meg walks in on Quagmire with a hooker]
Glen Quagmire Hey, Meg, you just bought me another three minutes. Giggidy giggidy giggidy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin She's a whiney little runt isn't she?
[Lois gasps]
Brian Griffin I said runt.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift. And I am going to everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed, then I'm going to use him to live out all my frustrated hopes and dreams. Because that's good parenting, right Bing Crosby?
Bing Crosby That's right Peter, and if your kids give you any lip you can beat them with a sack of sweet Velency Oranges. They won't leave a bruise and it'll let 'em know who's boss, there's nooo doubt about it.
Peter Griffin That... That doesn't sound right.
Bing Crosby Are you givin' me lip boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack down on you, is that what you want?
[takes his belt off and whips Peter a few times]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
Brian Griffin The Bradys?
Peter Griffin Oh, hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers ah, you name it.
[Aunt Jemimah pops up in the window with a plate of pancakes]
Aunt Jemimah You folks want some pancakes?
Peter Griffin No thank you. See, that's the worse we got is, uh Jemimah's Witnesses.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Nothing else has worked this far / So I wish upon a star / Wonderous shining speck of light / I need a Jew / Lois makes me take the rap / Cause our checkbook looks like crap / Since I can't give her a slap / I need a Jew / Where to find / A Baum or Steen or Stein / To teach me how to whine and do my taaaaaxesss... / Though by many they're abhorred / Hebrew people I've adored / I don't think they killed my Lord / I need a Jew.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire The Griffins. Bunch of card-carrying Commies if you ask me. All right.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[an extremely obese Peter and Brian are sitting on the dock]
Boy Daddy, what's that?
Father Well son, that's Mercury, the closest planet to the sun. What it's doing down here on the wharf I haven't the foggiest, we should probably go ask a scientist.
Peter Griffin I'm a man jackass.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Ha ha. Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Well, Peter, if you pull a party out of your ass you better stand up.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [Peter writing a letter to Fox] If you don't put 'Coach' back on the air i'll be really upset. the skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot. Signed Peter Griffin.
[White-out spills on the paper, making it say "If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll kill Craig T. Nelson."]
Peter Griffin [sometime later; answering the door] Craig T. Nelson!
Craig T. Nelson Are you Peter Griffin?
Peter Griffin Yeah.
Craig T. Nelson [Hands him a pistol] Make it quick.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Diane Simmons Our suspect may look something like this. And we have received an anonymous tip with a new lead!
Tom Tucker We now go live with Hispanic reporter Maria J... j...
Diane Simmons Jimenez.
Tom Tucker I know how to say it!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Man Say Phil, what do you say to Happy Hour after work?
Phil I'd say looks like Cheryl's gonna have another black eye to explain to the neighbours.
[both laugh]
Phil Come on, I'm buyin
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Adam West [after hearing Peter, Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland singing Journey's "Don't Stop Believing"] I love this song! And I love it more when amateurs sing the lyrics! But I hate baseball cards.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin So, Stewie, how do you feel now that you are a girl?
Stewie Griffin I feel right, Brian. I feel right.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Police Scanner We have a gang shooting on Third and Main, three wounded one dead.
Brian Griffin Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin You look like Snoopy and it makes me smile.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Hey, everybody, wait till you see this.
Peter Griffin Oh, my God. Moveable printed type. We must keep this from the serfs, lest they gain literacy and threaten the landed gentry.
Serf What you got there, m'lord?
Peter Griffin Nothing! Back to your turnips!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Jasper So! Do you like "Sex and the City"?
Brian Griffin Yeah, it's an all right show.
Jasper I wasn't talking about the show. Ooooh I'm nasty!
[makes a ship horn sound]
Jasper Somebody ship me out to sea!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[live hurricane report]
Tom Tucker And now to Ollie Williams, with our live hurricane report. Ollie?
Ollie Williams It's rainin' sideways!
Tom Tucker Don't you have an umbrella, Ollie?
Ollie Williams Had one!
Tom Tucker Where is it?
Ollie Williams Inside-out, five miles away!
Tom Tucker Can we get you anything, Ollie?
Ollie Williams Bring me some soup!
Tom Tucker What kind?
Ollie Williams Chunky!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin No, Peter. Martin Luther King.
Peter Griffin What about the guy who was in Space: The Final Frontier?
Brian Griffin That was Martin Landau.
Peter Griffin What about the guy who was in House Party?
Brian Griffin That was Martin Lawrence.
Peter Griffin What about the drink that you put on ice?
Brian Griffin That's Martini And Rossi.
Peter Griffin What about the guy who was in Apocalypse Now?
Brian Griffin He was Mar... Mar... something.
Peter Griffin *Wrong*! It was Tom Beringer. We were looking for Tom Beringer.
Brian Griffin Well, thanks for having me on the show. I really enjoyed it.
[pauses]
Brian Griffin [shouts] Wait a minute!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Lois, are you high?
Lois Griffin No, I crashed out about an hour ago.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire Don't look at me like that. Fat chicks need love too... but they got to pay.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin This party couldn't be better if Jesus was here.
Jesus For my next miracle, I will turn water... into FUNK.
[set turns into disco]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [looking in the fridge for a drink] Soda... purple stuff... Sunny D, all right!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin That's about as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious. The sailor. But then again he was never meant to be funny.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter calls in sick to work]
Peter Griffin Mr Weed, I can't come to work today because I was in a terrible plane crash. My family is dead and I am a vegetable. See you tomorrow.
[Peter gets caught by his boss]
Peter Griffin Remember that plane crash I had? It turned out to be gas.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Crackle Those freakin' elves, man. They just came out of the trees, they just came out of the trees!
Pop You saved my ass back there, man.
Crackle You saved mine.
Crackle [as he lifts his beer in a toast] Here's to Snap!
Pop [they clink glasses] To Snap!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bonnie Swanson Yeah, I don't want to bring a baby into the world with a man like him running around.
Peter Griffin Ok, first of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like six years. Either have the baby or don't. Secondly, Quagmire's a good guy, he...
Bonnie Swanson [Peter is attacked by the giant chicken and a five-minute fight ensues]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin The port is quite good.
Brian Griffin Yes, quite good.
Chris Griffin Indeed.
Peter Griffin Most certainly.
Brian Griffin What year is it?
Chris Griffin '51.
Peter Griffin Ah.
Stewie Griffin Delectable.
Brian Griffin Indeed.
Chris Griffin Yes.
Peter Griffin [Peter bursts into flames] Oh, dear.
Brian Griffin What is it?
Peter Griffin I spontaneously combusted.
Stewie Griffin Oh, I am sorry.
Peter Griffin Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.
Stewie Griffin Ah, very good then.
Chris Griffin For the best.
Brian Griffin Yes, indeed.
Stewie Griffin Tsk-uh! Is it raining again?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [Peter has taken a hose to the staircase and sprayed it with water] Hey, Brian, I made a waterslide with the stairs!
[goes down the stairs hitting bumps until he hurts himself, and starts crying like a little kid]
Brian Griffin I'm not going to call the hospital because you wouldn't learn anything if I do.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Voice control... Hi, I'm Chris.
Chris Griffin Hi, I'm Chris.
Stewie Griffin Eviscerate the proletariat!
Chris Griffin Eviscerate the proletariat!
Stewie Griffin [sings] If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits?
Chris Griffin Puttin' on the ritz!
Stewie Griffin Not my bit, but funny still.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin The life of the wife is ended by the knife.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin You all think Christmas just happens. You think all this goodwill just falls from the freakin' sky. Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So you can cook your own damn turkey. Wrap your own damn presents. And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Doctor Mayor West, I'm afraid you have lymphoma.
Adam West Oh.
Doctor Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
Adam West I see.
Doctor What in God's name were you trying to prove?
Adam West I was trying to gain super powers.
Doctor Well, that's just silly!
Adam West Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Brian tries to distract an angry mob of rednecks]
Brian Griffin Hey, look over there! It's a newly married inter-racial gay couple burning the American Flag!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Lois, come see what I did with the money your dad gave me.
Lois Griffin Oh my God. You turned the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse?
Peter Griffin [singing] Come on, get up / Knock off your napping / It's a crazy, messed up place where anything can happen / There's a chair that freakin' talks. Hey look! / There's some fish that give advice. Holy crap / It's screwey at Peter's Playhouse. Ha ha ha. Watch this, Lois.
[imitates Pee-Wee]
Peter Griffin Hewy Jambi.
Brian Griffin [as Jambi the Genie] Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hinie - God, I hate you so much.
Lois Griffin Peter, that reparation money should be going to worthy black charity.
Peter Griffin Lois, the King of Cartoons will be here in 5 minutes. I will not have you embarrass me.
Lois Griffin Peter, you're acting ridiculous.
Peter Griffin [everyone screams, "Ridiculous" flashes at the bottom of the screen] You said the secret word!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin [irate after being replaced on a Griffin Family reality show] How could you let them replace me?
Peter Griffin Believe me, Meg, it was better than Plan B.
[Cut to the operating tent from M*A*S*H]
Peter Griffin [Brian walks in] Brian, put a mask on!
Brian Griffin I have an announcement: The plane carrying Meg Griffin was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.
Stewie Griffin [enters wearing a dress] Who do I see about a Section Eight?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire HEY GET THE HELL OFF MY... well hello lips, legs, breasts, and ass.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Doctor Mr. Griffin, all your tests came back negative. As it turns out, the lump on your chest is just a fatty corpusle.
Peter Griffin Fatty Corpusle? Wait a minute... How the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Brian, you've really been enjoying your wine lately.
Brian Griffin It's only my second glass.
[takes a sip from a 7-11 Big Gulp cup]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Tom Tucker Coming up next: Can bees think? A new study indicates that no, they cannot.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [opening drawer] Hey, Lois, there's a Bible in here!
[He opens the book and dances around with it]
Peter Griffin Hey, look at me! I'm a Christian! I'm reading the Bible!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Protestors Free Tibet! Free Tibet!
Peter Griffin I'll take it!
[He runs to a nearby phone booth]
Peter Griffin Hello, China? I have something you may want. But it's gonna cost ya. That's right. All the tea.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Joe Swanson Peter, it's over.
Peter Griffin Over? What are you talking about? What kind of talk is that? It's un-American. Did George W. Bush quit even after losing the popular vote? No! Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's money in failed oil companies? No! Did he quit after knocking that girl up? No! Did he quit after he got that DUI? No! Did he quit after he got busted for drunk and disorderly conduct at a football game? No! Did he quit...
Joe Swanson I get the message, Peter.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[a police officer pulls Peter over in his car]
Police Officer License and reg... hey, aren't you the guy who found out he's part black?
Peter Griffin Yes I am.
Police Officer [into walkie-talkie] Report of a possible stolen vehicle.
Peter Griffin But this is my car.
Police Officer Suspect becoming beligerent.
Peter Griffin Wha...
Police Officer Officer down.
[Officer falls to ground, police cars surround Peter]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Tom Tucker We'll return with a report on the clitoris: Nature's Rubik's cube.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Pillsbury Doughboy Nothing says "I Love You" quite like Pill...
[Lois starts to roll him flat with a rolling pin]
Pillsbury Doughboy Hey! What the hell are you doing you crazy bitch!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh! Excluding that first "ha".
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin To hell with the cameras! How could we ever let them replace our little girl? Oh, I miss her, Peter.
Peter Griffin Me, too. She's like that dorky Baldwin brother who isn't as good-looking or successful and never answers my letters, but he's still a Baldwin, damn it!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin It's not that I want to kill Lois... it's just that I don't want her to be alive any more.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Hey, what's your friend's name?
Al Gore Dick Armey.
Peter Griffin [laughs] No, seriously, what is it?
Al Gore [beat] ... Dick Armey.
Peter Griffin [bursts out laughing] Hey, Armey, what's your wife's name, Vagina Coastguard?
[continues to laugh]
Al Gore [laughs] Oh, I just got that.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Quagmire is talking to a woman from New York]
Glen Quagmire Hey there little lady. Why don't you turn around and show me your Lower East Side.
Woman (in deep voice) Sure.
Glen Quagmire Whoa. Transvestite, back off. Wait a minute... pre-op or post-op?
Woman Pre-op.
Glen Quagmire Whoa. Transvestite, back off.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter's new car has an electronic navigator with a Yakov Smirnoff mode]
Yakov Smirnoff Voice Turn left at fork in road. In Soviet Russia, road forks you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin You all know how observant I am.
TV Announcer And now back to Star Trek.
Peter Griffin Holy crap. Uhura's black?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[the Griffins watch "Happy Days"]
Richie Mom, uh, I really like Potsy.
Mrs. Cunningham Well, Potsy's a nice boy, dear. Why shouldn't you like him?
Richie No, I mean... I *really* like Potsy.
Mr. Cunningham We heard you the first time, son, you've got a homosexual attraction to Potsy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[repeated line]
Stewie What the deuce?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Hold on, hold on. I'm sorry, but that is a really boring story. I haven't been this bored since that stupid drive-in movie.
[Flashback to Peter sitting at a drive-in, facing the wrong way]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things", not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up".
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Lois, I can't find my favorite pair of underwear.
Lois Which one? The one where you ripped hole in it from when you got stuck in that airplane bathroom from when you got the trots?
Peter Griffin No, I'm looking for the pair from when I had to hold it in because it was that extra long Palm Sunday service and I thought blowing gas would offend Jesus so I let it rip in the vestibule after service and it sounded like Louie Armstrong.
Lois Griffin Top drawer.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[we see a flashback of Stewie with a normal, round head, jumping up and down on the bed]
Stewie I can jump on the bed all I want. You're not my mother.
[Stewie hits his head on the ceiling, squashing it into its more familiar rugby-ball shape]
Brian Griffin Oh my God, are you all right?
Stewie Fine. Why do you ask?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter has taken some politicians to a strip joint, where one of them has accidentally killed one of the strippers]
Peter Griffin You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, you may have killed her when you hit her with the stool... I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her... smoking!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin I wish Chris would quit drawing pictures of my head on a pig's body.
Chris Griffin [shouts] Don't censor me!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Quagmire [walks between two women] sorry, I didnt mean to come between you... or did I?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin: [singing] You and I are / So awfully different / Too awfully different / To ever be pals
Stewie Griffin Do you want to go first?
Brian Griffin Yeah, I'll go! Your favorite hero is the Marquis de Sade /
Stewie Griffin Oh, you're one to talk! You get a stiffy from Felicia Rashad /
Brian Griffin Oh, one time!
[gets a sudden erection]
Stewie Griffin I've a style flair / Just look at my hip hair
Brian Griffin Oh yeah, that - that's quite a nice do there /
Stewie Griffin Oh, thanks!
Brian Griffin [imitating Triumph the Insult Comic Dog] For me to POOP on!
Stewie Griffin What?
Brian Griffin Oh, come on! You look like Charlie Brown!
Stewie Griffin Oh, bite me, Snoopy!
Brian Griffin Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin: There's not / A whole lot / That we've got / To agree on
Brian Griffin 'Cause I love the strings of a classical score /
Stewie Griffin And I like that singer who looks like a whore /
Brian Griffin Ricky Martin?
Stewie Griffin Love him!
Brian Griffin Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin: We're too different to ever be pals /
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin Oh, my God, the Government's here! Run E.T.!
E.T. Ahhhh!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin You know, it's dangerous for me to be walking around the mall at my height. I say, let me get on your back.
[hops on Brian's back]
Brian Griffin Oh, God!
Stewie Griffin Strong with the force young Skywalker is.
Brian Griffin I don't believe this.
Stewie Griffin That is why you fail!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin All right, I'll talk to him, Lois. But, uh, you know when my father wants something, it's like sex with Kobe Bryant. You can kick and scream all you want, but it's gonna happen.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Olivia Do you even know what sex IS?
Stewie Griffin Now really I- don't change the- is it a kind of cake?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin I want to be a vet when I grow up.
Peter Griffin Meg, we have been over this before. You are going to gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty Fan Fiction.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Damn you! Damn the broccoli! Damn the Wright Brothers!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin If I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I stand here and get lectured by pervert.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Peter, you've been wearing that giant cowboy hat for eight months now. Please for your family, take it off.
Peter Griffin Hey! I can take this hat off anytime I want. I just don't want to.
[Everybody wants Peter to take the hat off]
Peter Griffin Get away!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Family is sitting at Table. After Apocalypse. Eating eggs on random pieces of metal]
Lois Griffin It's Ok. Right before the Apocalypse, Peter bought a year's worth of food.
[Camera Goes to Peter. He's just finishing off the last of the food]
Lois Griffin PETER. You just finished off a years supply of food.
Peter Griffin What a waste. I'm still hungry.
[Peter drinks a glass of water and gets really bloated]
Peter Griffin Everyone leave. I have to poop.
[Everyone looks at him]
Peter Griffin NOW.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris I haven't been this confused since the ending of "No Way Out".
[Flashback to Chris & Brian coming out of a theater that's showing "No Way Out"]
Chris How does Kevin Costner keep getting work?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Lois, if this is your idea of a joke, you must write for Leno.
Stewie Griffin Oh, oh you know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. The fact is the man's out there every bloody night, with fresh material, and he's charming.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [hitting on some co-eds] I must say, the most recent campus sporting event was quite spectacular.
Co-ed Aw. Are you in a fraternity, little boy?
Stewie Griffin Not yet, but I'm thinking of joining I Felta Thigh.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Stewie, why don't you go play in the other room?
Stewie Griffin Why don't you burn in hell?
Lois Griffin Well, no dessert for you, young man.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter makes a joke during a Christmas play]
Spectator #1 Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy! I've got to do something!
Spectator #2 Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Spectator #1 Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter is trying to potty-train Stewie]
Peter Griffin You know, I oughta just give you some beer. Goes straight through you.
Stewie Griffin [sarcastic] Wonderful. And while we're at it, we can light up a doobie and watch porn.
Peter Griffin Eh... yeah?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [clearing his throat] Excuse me but I'm pretty sure the north won the war.
[dead silence]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [Picking up the phone] Hello, operator. Hello... Oh god, that's right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes,
[dialing number]
Stewie Griffin 867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn. 111-1112 Lois? DAMN. 111-1113...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Joe Swanson At least I can do this:
[singing]
Joe Swanson ah, ah, ah, AH, ah, ah, ah!
Disabled Man [electronic voice]
[monotonous]
Disabled Man Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Oh crap.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Police Officer Hey. That's Against the law. You're coming with me.
Peter Griffin [singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this] Ah ah ah. Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/
Adam West What in God's name is he doing?
Peter Griffin Can't Touch me.
Cleveland I believe that's the worm.
Peter Griffin [still singing] Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don't like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Oh, my god, that was hilarious!
Lois Griffin What does that say into me? Oh, go
[beep]
Lois Griffin yourself Diane.
[Brian spits]
Stewie Griffin She said a swear!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Yeah which is more than we got from those freeloading Canadians.
[blank screen appears]
Peter Griffin Canada sucks.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [shouts] Oh, my God, Jeremy's still in the trunk! How long has it been? Two weeks. Nope, he's dead.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Woman on Tape We're going to add...
[tape interrupts Lois]
Lois Griffin Peter!
Peter Griffin Ahh!
Lois Griffin I know what you've been doing here, and I'm very upset with you.
Peter Griffin Oh. Usually, beautiful women don't turn back into you until I'm finished.
Lois Griffin These tapes are about to be communication. If you want to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me.
[starts taking a bathrobe off]
Peter Griffin This is hot.
Lois Griffin Turn around.
Peter Griffin Lois! This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me!
Lois Griffin Peter, it's okay.
Peter Griffin Yeah?
Lois Griffin I was trying to be sexy for you.
Peter Griffin Oh, come here you.
[starts to rewind]
Lois Griffin You should've told me.
[rewinds]
Lois Griffin You should've told me.
[rewinds]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Hi. I'm in the other room and I'm trying to get some sleep.
cheese guy Look, a wagon wheel.
Peter Griffin What the hell's your problem?
cheese guy I just smoked a whole bunch of crack.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [posing as Britney Spears] How about a kiss, Justin?
Justin Timberlake Uh, sure, Britney.
[they kiss, and Peter transforms]
Justin Timberlake Aaahh!
Peter Griffin He, he, he, he! I'm Gene Shalit now.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin What the hell is this?
Lois Griffin It's your favourite honey, tuna salad.
Stewie Griffin Oh,really, is that what it is? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
George [a parody of "The Jetsons": George and Roy are on the dog walking treadmill, a cat appears, Roy chases him] Help!
[he falls]
George Jane!
[he falls again]
George Stop this crazy thing!
[he falls again]
George Ahh!
[falls]
George Help!
[falls]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Stewie builds a dish]
Stewie Griffin [evil laughter] I've done it!
[lightning strikes him]
Stewie Griffin Whoa! Oh, goddamn it!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Joe Swanson [siren wails] Peter Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up!
Cleveland Fooled you!
[all but Peter laugh]
Peter Griffin Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this?
Joe Swanson It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us?
Peter Griffin Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic.
Cleveland What?
Joe Swanson Oh, my God!
Glen Quagmire Oh, man!
Peter Griffin Fooled you!
[laughs]
Peter Griffin Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [talking to a very old prostitute] So is there any tread left on the tires or at this point would it be more like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Smurf #1 Yo, Smurf, that party last night was freakin', Smurf!
Smurf #2 You bet your smurf it was!
Smurf #1 Hey, I saw you leaving with Smurfette.
Smurf #2 Yeah. Right when we left the party, she started smurfin' me.
Smurf #1 Shut the smurf up! Right in the smurfing parking lot?
Smurf #2 Oh, yeah.
Smurf #1 That's freakin' smurf!
Smurf #2 You betcha.
Smurf #1 Freakin' smurf.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Quagmire Peter, I can remember a dozen times when you've saved our lives
[Peter walks through a door holding a sword, like in Pulp Fiction, to his friends tied up and gagged]
Peter Griffin Yeah, too bad I got there after the sodomy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin Hey dad, you didn't tell us how we got our house back.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Man on TV Hey! Hey! Get that
[beep]
Man on TV camera out of my face!
[smashes the glass of the camera]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [throwing his arms up in the air when Lois walks in the door]
[shouts]
Peter Griffin I didn't have my hand down my pants!
Lois Griffin Good for you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin If I'm a child, that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here and take this from a pervert.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death Well that would just leave England.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Cult Leader Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin Oh. Oh, this is just my bird calls.
Peter Griffin Do it again! Do it again!
[Meg whistles, Big Bird's footsteps approached]
Big Bird Yeah? Well, what'd you want?
Meg Griffin Uh...
Big Bird You called me, right?
Meg Griffin Oh, no, no I wasn't calling you.
[laughs nervously]
Big Bird Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Y-yeah? Y-you know what pain in the ass is to get across town this time a day, huh?
Peter Griffin Listen, uh, but mister we don't want any trouble here.
Big Bird I don't fly you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh and people don't stare. You made me puke,
[spits]
Big Bird bitch.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul!
Brian Griffin Ouch!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Chris and Meg are fighting over who should have the remote to the TV, and Chris steals Meg's hat and puts it in his pants]
Brian Griffin Hey, aah... You two better settle down... Aah... Chris give Meg her hat...
Chris Griffin I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul!
Brian Griffin Ow!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Boo Lois, yeah beer!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin If I choose to make stool in my pants right now, you're the only one here to change me. What do you think of that, hmm?
Brian Griffin I'm not going to change you.
Stewie Griffin What?
Brian Griffin I said, I'm not going to change you.
Stewie Griffin You can't be serious. Well, what if I make a fudgie? Well, I just won't. I just won't, that's all. I just won't. Blast! I just did!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mr. Rogers Hello, neighbor. I'm glad we're together again.
[bell rings]
Mr. Rogers Oh! I think I hear a friend traveling.
Stewie Griffin Actually it's your mortal enemy Stewie.
Mr. Rogers W-what the?
Stewie Griffin I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today Mr. Rogers, I dare say you find it quite in ruins.
Mr. Rogers What?
[Mr. Rogers looks out and all are dead and the cat is on fire]
Cat [meowing] Skin graft!
[meowing]
Mr. Rogers Oh, my God!
Stewie Griffin That's right! All dead. And now Mr. Rogers ? Fred - may as well drop blood formalities - I'm going to kill you anyway!
Mr. Rogers No, please... don't!
Stewie Griffin How ironic ? Rogers - it almost rhymes with... eliminate.
Mr. Rogers No!
[Stewie shoots him many times with his gun]
Stewie Griffin [wakes up] Eh, what, what? What the devil?
Lois Griffin It's okay. Stewie we're just tucking you to sleep.
Mr. Rogers But now it's time for you to meet Mr. Death.
Stewie Griffin [wakes up from nightmare] Ahh!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bob Ross All right, we are going to use a fan brush here and uh why don't you take some hunter green and we are going to put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner there and that'll just be our little secret and if you tell anyone that that bush is there I will come to your house and I will cut you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[trying to get a Scout Merit Badge]
Chris Griffin Uh, Dad, maybe we should just give up. I mean, we've tried everything
Peter Griffin Well, we almost got that one for insect study.
[cut to Peter & Chris watching a rich family eat]
Peter Griffin Look Chris, it's a whole family of WASPs.
Rich Father My Margaret, what a sub-par ham.
Rich Mother Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
[pause]
Rich Father [to daughter] Patty, did you know your mother is a whore?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[looking at himself in a spoon]
Tom Tucker I'm sorry but there's a handsome man in my spoon. You'll have to come back later.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Well, fine. Until you put 'Gumbel 2 Gumbel' back on the air, I'm going on a hunger strike. Can you live with that? Huh, can you?"
[brief pause]
Peter Griffin You gonna eat that stapler?
Network executive Mr. Griffin, you can't eat a...
Peter Griffin Wanna split it?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Brian and Peter are putting a crib together]
Brian Griffin Okay, insert rod support A into slot B.
Peter Griffin That's what...
Brian Griffin If you say "that's what she said" one more time, I am gonna pop you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[the Millennium Bug has just hit, causing planes to fall from the sky, nuclear bombs to detonate, etc]
Peter Griffin Holy crap... Did anyone else feel that?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Max Weinstein Hello. My car broke down. Can I use your phone?
Peter Griffin [singing] Now my troubles are all through/I have a Jew.
Max Weinstein Hey!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [as a swim coach] Great workout, Bobby!
Bobby Up yours, sackbreath.
Peter Griffin That's *Mister* Griffin.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin All right, dad! Fight the machine!
Stewie Griffin How does he know about the machine?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire Fat chicks need lovin too, but they gotta pay.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin If I wasn't so sure you were a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Oh, and sorry about that comment earlier. I have that disease that makes you swear involuntarily. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. See?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I haven't cleaned since Bounty dropped me as their spokesman.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin So Rosie, I just spilled this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in five seconds?
Spokesperson What the hell is that?
Peter Griffin Five seconds...
Spokesperson Is that?
Peter Griffin Four seconds...
Spokesperson It smells like...
Peter Griffin Three seconds...
Spokesperon That's...
Peter Griffin CLEAN MY PEE.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[at a rehab center]
Peter Griffin YEAH. I'm also addicted to boobies.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin This isn't the first time my small stature has hindered my plans.
[flashback]
Auctioneer Item 157... Global Domination. Enslave the human race. Do I have any bids?
Stewie Griffin OOH. OOH. ME. ME.
Auctioneer I'll take any bids. $1. Enslave the human race for $1?
Stewie Griffin BEHIND THE FAT CHICK. OOH. OOH.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Judge I find you guilty of arson, so you are free to go... straight to jail. HA. Now YOU got burned... No bail.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[during a fishing trip]
Peter Griffin Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of clichÈs.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Kevin Dad, the fish got away.
Joe Swanson The hell it did. You get in there and you kick that fish's ass.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin I'm sorry that Stewie ruined your books. Here, I brought you some of Peter's.
Brian Griffin 'Mr. T' by Mr. T. 'T and Me' by George Peppard. 'For The Last Time, I'm Not Mr. T' by Ving Rhames.
[shudders]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter has bought an sexy version of a relationship tape]
Lois Griffin $49.95? Are you sure we can afford this?
Peter Griffin Lois, our relationship can not be measured in nipples and dimes... nickels and boobs... money.
[runs off]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter Griffin OH MY GOD.
[runs off crying]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I only drank so that the Statue Of Liberty would take her clothes off.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin So he just left without saying anything?
Peter Griffin All I asked him to do was buy some peanuts and cracker jacks.
Brian Griffin I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Brian, could you pass the TV Guide?
Brian Griffin Piss off.
Lois Griffin What?
Brian Griffin Oh, I'm just a little testy because of the lack of... STOP STARING AT MY TAIL.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Ha ha ha ha! You just said "nuclear". It's "nukular", dummy, the "s" is silent!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.
Peter Griffin Your mother's right, son. Listen to what it says.
Lois Griffin Peter!
Peter Griffin Uh, uh, I didn't say that. Lee Majors did.
Lee Majors What? Women are things.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Peter!
Peter Griffin Um... Lee Majors said it.
Lee Majors What? Women are things.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin You should go with him. This will be your chance to be alone with dad.
Chris Griffin I'm not attracted to dad.
Meg Griffin No, tell him you don't want to be in the scouts anymore.
Chris Griffin OH.
Meg Griffin Yipes.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to?
[flashback]
Fred It looks like the killer gutted his victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped to body in the river.
Velma Jinkies! What a mystery!
[Scooby jumps]
Fred That's right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mr. Fargas Today, we are going to dissect... a clown. Well, it's no wonder this clown died. His lungs were filled with candy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin Hey Meg, I'm thinking of a word, and this time it's definately not "kitty". Can you guess?
Meg Griffin Is it kitty?
Chris Griffin Ahhhh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Chris, that's a terrible word. Nipple.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Chris, that's a terrible word. Pussywillow.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I can guarantee that a man made that commercial.
Peter Griffin Of course they did. It's a commercial, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I'm going to microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Glen Quagmire Butter's in the fridge.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Damn the toilet. It's made slaves of you all. It just sits there consuming other people's feces while contributing nothing of its own to society.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin How deliciously evil. It's like something out of Stephen King.
[flashback]
Stephen King Now for my 300th novel, a couple... uh...
[casts about desperately]
Stephen King is attacked... by a giant... uh... lamp monster! Oooooooo!
Editor You're not even trying anymore are you?
[sigh]
Editor When can I have it?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[upon finding out the local bar has been turned into a British pub]
Peter Griffin Holy crap. It's a gay bar.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Shamus has four wooden limbs]
Glen Quagmire So, were you in an accident or something?
Shamus No, me father was a tree.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Tom Tucker This is Tom Tucker... 's evil twin Todd Tucker out to destroy his brother's reputation. Ha ha ha! Now I'm going to go back inside my motel room where I'm going to have freaky sex with my prostitute with whom I still have another 45 minutes.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin It's OK, Meg. Your mom is full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to take down an elephant.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Shelly I'll have the es-cargott and a chabliss.
Brian [sighs] Same here. Es-cargott and a chabliss.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Come on, I'll show the channel Lois doesn't know about.
[turns on TV]
Lois Griffin Brian what... Chris go to your room. Meg take Stewie upstairs.
Stewie Griffin Wait. That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snake bite.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Peter, punish Chris.
Peter Griffin Son, I'm watching the game, you know what to do.
[Chris begins spanking himself]
Chris Griffin OW. OW. OW. OW. This hurts me more than it hurts you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Quagmire Hello there, cutie. How old are you?
Girl Sixteen.
Quagmire Eighteen? You're first.
Girl MOM.
Quagmire I like where this is going.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Tom Tucker I think I speak for everyone when I say, New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Why don't you shut up for about a week?
Stewie Very well, what are the stakes if I win?
Brian I wasn't making a bet. Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin Hey, mom, look at these bananas.
Peter Griffin Why you smart little bastard.
Lois Griffin Now Chris, these are called "plantains". In fact, some women prefer them to normal size bananas because they're exotic and flavorful, and very very special.
Peter Griffin Yeah, Lois, I see all the sorority girls clamoring for the platain section.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter Griffin If by "read", you mean "imagined a naked lady", then yes.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[a social worker is trying to take Stewie away because she believes the Griffin parents are unfit]
Lois Griffin How dare you say that. This is a wonderful home for a child to live.
[a gunshot is heard from the roof]
Peter Griffin Quagmire, you rat bastard. Come near my fence again and that'll be your head.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Joe Swanson is in a fight with the Grinch]
Grinch You think you have won, you think all is well. Well kiss my green ass, I'll see you in hell.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin So how was your day?
Brian Griffin My day? Un-freakin' believable. First we nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll, her doll for god's sake. Where's the line anymore? Well, I got news for ya, it's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey, BAM, freakin' evaporated like a dingy stinkin' mudpuddle. One day you see your reflection in it and the next day it's a, it's a damn oil spot on your crack driveway, staring back at you, mocking at you, blah, blah, blah, knowing the perverted truths that rot in the pit of your soul. That's how my freakin' day was!
[pause]
Peter Griffin You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Hey, Chris! Whatcha doing?
Chris Griffin Jus' layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homey. Yo, Pops, lemme have some cheddar. Some playa-hata be throwin' salt in my game - grillin' me over my gear. An' I needs to be mackin' style!
Peter Griffin Well... ehh... the important thing is you tried, son.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [thinks] How wonderful it will be to have mother back!
Brian Griffin [thinks] I heard that.
Stewie Griffin [thinks] Damn!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Peter, I saw a really good deal on a used car in this newspaper.
Peter Griffin Oh no. I knew a guy who bought a used car through a newspaper. Ten years later, BAM! Herpes.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[while Peter is changing Stewie]
Stewie No, you idiot. That's not baby powder, that's paprika. Ahhhhhh. Take that.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Son, we're going to get you back in the Scouts so fast, they wont know what hit 'em.
[he backs into a parked car]
Peter Griffin And, um, neither will that guy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Blast I thought I had more time. Keeping people from having sex is more difficult than I thought. Now I know how the Catholic Church feels. BA-ZING.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Could you sign this book please.
Tony Robbins Tony Robbins hungry!
[swallows Peter whole]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin My therapist thinks I'm in love.
Peter Griffin Holy Crap! You can talk!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin What do you expect me to do with all these great ideas? Put them in a tub and clean myself with them? Cause that's what soap is for Lois.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Looks out curtain at Lois, who's sitting in the front row Look who came crawling back.
Joe Swanson [Joe is crawling on the stage towards Peter] Peter! Have you seen my wheelchair?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second. Ahh
Lois Griffin That was just a loud yelping noise
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [after Brian cries hysterically] I guess now we know what kind of dog he is. A "melancollie".
[no response]
Stewie Griffin Oh wait. I should have said "chi wa-wa".
[still no response]
Stewie Griffin I don't have to
[beep]
Stewie Griffin impress you!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Why don't you take Joe caroling?
Peter Griffin Yeah, that'd be as fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism.
Lois Griffin What?
Peter Griffin What?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Lois, the bar has been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, no-good, tea-sucking British bastards.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin You're not fat, Chris, you just come from a long line of husky Griffins. Like your great uncle, Jabba the Griffin.
[flashback]
Jabba the Griffin Raja naba doa gola wookie nipple pinchy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[on being the First Lady of "Petoria"]
Lois Griffin I'll be just like Hillary Clinton, only you know, without the penis.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Guy in chicken costume The world is gonna end at midnight tonight. Y2K.
Peter Griffin Y2K? What are you selling, chicken or sex jelly?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[hitting on a girl waiting in line for a roller coaster]
Glen Quagmire Hello there. You must be *this* beautiful to ride the Quagmire.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois You see Meg, I'm like one of those Bald eagles on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at... but mess with one of my baby chicks and I'll use my razor-sharp talons to rip your
[oven dings]
Lois ... ing eyes out. Cookies are done. Who wants chocolate chip?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
GPS System Turn left at fork in road... in native Russia, road forks you.
Peter Griffin [sighs] That got old real fast.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin Hey dad, look. I put honey on my back, and now the ants are carrying me home.
[laughing]
Peter Griffin Aw, that's nothing. He does the same thing at home, but with Velveeta and cockroaches. And if ya turn on the lights really fast, they'll slam him right into the fridge.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Chris is not as smart as you think he is...
[Peter slaps Chris in the back of the head]
Chris Griffin HEY.
Peter Griffin He did it.
[Peter points to a nearby floor lamp, and Chris attacks it and starts fighting with it]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Psychiatrist Does Stewie have a history of violence?
Lois Griffin Oh no, this is Stewie's first violent act.
Stewie Griffin Actually, my first violent act involved that ticking time bomb that I left in your uterus when I left. Happy 50th Birthday, Lois.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Death You can't tell anyone that I'm here. For if you do, the consequences could be dire.
Peter Griffin Go on...
Death That's it.
[to Lois]
Death God, what do you see in him?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Leave it to me, I read a book about these people before.
Brian Griffin Are you sure it was a book, are you sure it wasn't... nothing.
Peter Griffin Oh, yeah.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin You know, some people think that dandelions are weeds. But you know... uh... I always think, who the hell decided tulips were so great?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[the Griffins are being relocated to the South]
Peter Griffin The South? Isn't that where the black people are really lazy, and the white people are equally as lazy, but they're mad at the black people for being so lazy?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin Chris! You're hogging all the fans!
Chris Griffin Oh yeah? Well you're hogging all the UGLY!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter ...and there's no way I'm going in the back way.
Death Oh crap, I have no time for this!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter To you she may be worth a million dollars. But to me she's worthless!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin I wanna get Barbara a really nice gift, What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you Meg?
Meg Griffin Oh... well, my boyfriend Prince William got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara and this wonderful scepter...
[Meg laughs manically then breaks down sobbing]
Stewie Griffin She needs to get laid big time!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin I made flag girl!
Stewie Griffin Oh, you made flag girl. Great.
[pause]
Stewie Griffin Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Black Knight Hey, what's your fat ass doing here?
Man [sitting on a fat donkey] He's my only means of conveyance.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[after Peter tells Lois an outlandish story]
Brian Congratulations, Peter. You're the Spalding Gray of crap.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter has gotten liposuction]
Stewie My god, it's finally happened. He's become so massive he's collapsed in on himself like a neutron star.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter I've got your first headline, Meg. Lois, I challenge you to a race around the world. GO!
[runs out of the room]
Lois What?
[Peter flies by in plane laughing maniacally]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Look at him. He runs like a Welshman. Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Meg enters the house crying]
Meg I'll never be popular, and it's all because of this stupid purse!
[Peter grabs the purse and holds it against the wall]
Peter What the hell did you do to my daughter? I swear to God if you touched her...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Tom Tucker All right, question number one. Would you consider growing a moustache?
Intern Interviewee I guess so.
Tom Tucker Question number two. Look at my moustache. Do you think it tickles women when I kiss them?
Intern Interviewee I don't know.
Tom Tucker Wrong. The answer is "only slightly." Only slightly. Next!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Jennifer Love Hewitt is on a date with Peter, and reviews her past works]
Jennifer Love Hewitt "I Know What You Did Last Summer"?
Peter Nope... never heard of it.
Jennifer Love Hewitt "The Devil and Daniel Webster"?
Peter No.
Jennifer Love Hewitt "Party of Five"?
Peter Was that a porno?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Damn it! I want pancakes! God! You people understand every language except English. Yo quiero pancakes. Donnez-moi pancakes. Click-click-bloody click pancakes!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [as Tom Hanks from Castaway, talking to a ball with a face painted on it] Wilson! Wilson! Wilson! What are we gonna do now? Wilson!
Voigt The name's Voigt, dumbass!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Disabled Man [electronic voice] That was pathetic. Tell your wife to come over to my place if she wants a little boom shacka-lacka-lacka-lacka-lacka. Boom shacka-lacka-lacka-lacka-lacka. Boom shacka-lacka-lacka-lacka-lacka. Boom.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Salesman Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Now, I know you've been here all day, so if you'll just sign this contract without reading it I'll take your blank check, and you won't not be not loving your time-share before you know it.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lisa McDonald Bye, Dad. Don't wait up.
Ronald McDonald Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, Lisa. Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on.
Lisa McDonald But, Dad...
Ronald McDonald Upstairs. You're a McDonald, not a whore.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin You, cameraman! Make sure you use that Cybill Shepherd filter. If they can make her look half-human, they should be able to take six months off my face.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Man, this is a great show. They drag these idiots up on stage and then blindside 'em. Like this one guy, didn't know he was actually two midgets.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I find the toothpaste with the pump is a little easier to get on the brush. Ummm... you might have noticed my underwear has a hole in it. It's uh... you know, I... I don't see any reason to throw it out. The waist is still fine. You know, see. See, it's still real stretchy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bad Peter Lie to her. It's okay to lie to women. They're not people like us.
Peter Griffin Well, I don't know.
[Looks for Good Peter]
Peter Griffin Hey, where's the other guy?
Good Peter [Is stuck in traffic on a heaven highway] Come on, you bastard, I'm late for work!
[Spills coffee on his robe]
Good Peter Oh oh oh, this is perfect.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Make like Siamese twins and split... and then one of you die.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Hey, camera guy. Check this out.
[holding up an old woman puppet]
Peter Griffin 'Peter Griffin and Madame.' Oh, Madam, you're a lusty old gal, aren't you?
Peter Griffin [as Madame] You're the one with your hand up my backside, darling.
Peter Griffin Oh! She got me!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [doing the laundry] Hey, where's my sock? Hey!
[crawls into the dryer and arrives in Narnia]
Goat Man Welcome to Narnia, I am Mr. Tumnus.
Peter Griffin Hey, give me back my sock, you goat bastard!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[doorbell rings; Peter's boss, Mr. Weed, is coming over for dinner]
Peter Griffin That must be him. Oh God! I hope that thing doesn't happen where I get nervous and can't control of the volume of my voice.
[answers door]
Mr. Jonathan Weed Hello Peter. How are you?
Peter Griffin [yelling] Fine!
Peter Griffin [quietly] Please come in.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Death I'm gonna need that picture of Olmos'
[Edward James Olmos]
Death ass back.
Peter Griffin Oh. Yeah, right.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[looking into a woman's window with binoculars while she is undressing]
Mr. Rogers Hello, neighbor.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Old Woman Aw, look at you! I bet you're hungry.
Stewie Griffin And I bet your lost your virginity to a mechanical bull. Now change me!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Hey! Look at this
[bow tie spins in a circle]
Stewie Griffin Wow! Looks like I had to much coffee!
[pulls out a cigar]
Stewie Griffin Ha cha cha cha cha cha cha!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors. Sure they might be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they moved out some smelly Hawaiians might move in.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Tom Tucker [on the phone with his wife] Honey, I won't be home tonight. I have a hooker coming over. Well what about the pool man? He seems to like you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Adam West is trying to win a promotion for Pawtucket Pat's brewery, and is talking to a beer bottle]
Adam West Now you listen to me, you long-necked bastard. Give me that silver scroll, and I'll make you Head of Sanitation for the entire city. It's a do-nothing job, sweet-cake.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Jennifer Love Hewitt I can't believe you ordered a pie for an appetizer!
Peter Griffin It's okay, I'm gonna go to the John and fire one out in about five minutes. That should make room for dinner.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[after having sex]
Social Worker Glen, honey. Can I ask you a question? What do you do for a living?
Quagmire Heh! I got a question for you too. Why are you still here?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin [driving around with Quagmire, sees a woman walking] excuse me you dropped something... my jaw! hehe all right.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin I'm so hungry I could ride a horse!... I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store I guess.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin I guess anything's better than looking at your smelly face!
Meg Griffin Mom!
Lois Griffin Now honey, your face smells fine.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [accidently rips off the tail of Brian's dead mother] Oh, relax. The old girl didn't have much to wag about these days, anyway.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [looking at a picture of Jesus] Look at Jesus over there all by himself!
[referring to another picture]
Stewie Griffin You would think those bulldogs would invite him over to play poker with them.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Randy Savage I must be in Quahog, cause all I see is a bunch of hicks!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin [imitating Truman Capote] Audrey Hepburn not only looked like she didn't have Breakfast at Tiffany's, but that she hadn't eaten anything in a year! Oh, ho, ho. I'm such a bitch.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [pointing a mind-control device at Lois] Aha, mother. So we meet again.
Lois Griffin Stewie, I thought I tucked you in bed.
Stewie Griffin Not tightly enough, you see.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Peter, you've never done anything creative in your life!
Peter Griffin That's not true! I wrote "Bonfire of the Vanities".
Lois Griffin No, you didn't!
Peter Griffin [after long pause] You win this round, Lois!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [singing to Lois] Lois, you can't spell Love without L-O, You can't spell is without I-S, you can't spell... silo without Lois.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter is watching "Happy Days". Someone tries to talk to him]
Peter Griffin Hold on! This is the one where the Fonz says "Aaay!"
Fonzi Aaay!
Peter Griffin YES! Take that, 1950's society!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin All right, here's my one-man show, "Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye." Okay, act one.
[high-pitched voice]
Peter Griffin I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like some tea? I would because I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like a crumpet? I would because I'm Winston Churchill. Do you like to wear knickers? I do because I'm Winston Churchill.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin Mom! Mom! Chris found a jar in the basement with a hand in it!
Chris Griffin I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Peter, being a hero is just being someone that somebody can look up to.
Peter Griffin People have looked up to me... Remember that time I read to those kids at Sunday school.
Brian Griffin Ah, when you forgot all the lyrics to the songs?
Peter Griffin [flashback to church]
[Peter is singing a song to the kids]
Peter Griffin Jesus really loves me./ He loves me a whole bunch./ That's why he puts Skippy in my lunch.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [slurring, drunk] This comedian sucks. He couldn't make me laugh even if I was laughin' my ass off and he was the one makin' me do it. Come on, skinny, make me laugh!
Lois Griffin Peter, that's a microphone stand.
Peter Griffin Oh, well, excuse me for thinkin' that a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or two. I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Glen, I need your help.
Glen Quagmire Sure, Lois. I'd do everything to you.
Lois Griffin What?
Glen Quagmire I'd do anything for you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are forming a band]
Brian Griffin You know, Peter, just because you guys entertained a bunch of drunken idiots at a karaoke bar doesn't mean you have what it takes to form a band.
Peter Griffin Oh, Brian, you're just ants at a picnic. We're going to be awesome!
Brian Griffin Wait, what am I? I'm ants at a picnic? Is that what you just said? I just - I'm ants at a picnic. All right, just making sure.
[leaves]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [is reading very loudly while intoxicated] Aw, don't be ashamed of your hand, Johnny Tremain, you still live in exciting times.
[he sees a cop]
Peter Griffin Aww, crap.
Police Officer Sir, do you know how loud you were reading?
Peter Griffin [hesitates, and tries to evade the cop, still reading] The-life-of-a-silver-smith's-apprentice-was-not-an-easy-one...
[crashes into a bookshelf]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Adam West Damnit, Swanson, I want them found!
Joe Swanson Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins, we just don't have any leads.
Adam West Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"... or is it? Who am I? What number did you call? Don't ever call here again.
[he hangs up the phone]
Adam West I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [Stewie looks into the mirror after applying some lipstick to his face] Well, I say, look at you there. You're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yes. You're looking for a bad time. That's what you're after. You're a dirty flirt. You want it bad. You don't care where you get it becasue you have no self-respect and that gets you off, doesn't it?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin All right, Stewie, hold on to these while mommy goes to get some apples.
[hands him plastic bags]
Stewie Griffin Oh, yes, how clever, Lois, to leave a child with a plastic bag that he can suffocate himself with. Well, I'm going to do it!
[tries to put it over his head but it doesn't fit]
Stewie Griffin That's right I'm going to do it!
[tries putting it on the side of his head then climbing in it but it doesn't fit]
Stewie Griffin Good Lord, Lois. Either I was a c-section or you're Wonder Woman.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Ah, Los Angeles! Everything's big, everything's grand, and they always say something witty right before the commercial break.
[Peter looks confused. Five beats, then CUT TO COMMERCIAL]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin [Stewie has just seen his parents having sex] Honey, there's nothing wrong with what you saw... in fact, that's sort of how you were created...
Stewie Griffin Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! Get out of here woman, get out!
[Lois leaves, Brian enters]
Brian Griffin Oh, God. You saw them together, didn't you?
Stewie Griffin Ngg...
[Stewie nods]
Brian Griffin You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire [Quagmire slowly peeks out at Meg's slumber party] Oh, come on! You girls are boring the crap out of me! You know what I'm going to do? I... I... I'm going to go home and watch a dirty movie now! It's all this mindless chattering is what it is!
[he leaves]
Meg Wow, that was weird. Hey, you wanna compare breasts?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[during a romantic dinner]
Lois Griffin [seductively] You know, I'm not wearing any panties.
Peter Griffin Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin [referring to Peter] This from a man who thinks the plural of goose is sheep.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[to Brian]
Stewie Griffin How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Got a a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Got a, got a nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for three years? Huh? Got a, got a compelling protagonist? Yeah? Got a obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Got a story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yeah, talking about that three years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Do you have a bathroom?
President of the New Yorker Yes, follow me.
[takes Brian to a room where there are sinks, but no toilets]
Brian Griffin Um... where are the toilets?
President of the New Yorker Oh, no one at the New Yorker has an anus.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Tom Tucker Coming up next: Watch me shave.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Tom Tucker Coming up next: A story on conveniently-placed news stories in television shows. But first, Peter, watch out for that skateboard.
[Peter trips over a skateboard]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire Hey, Lois, wanna go out?
Lois Griffin Oh, Glen, I don't know if I'm ready yet...
[Quagmire looks uncomfortable, then smashes the clock. He changes the time on the clock]
Glen Quagmire Are you ready now?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin What if Kurt Cobain had quit?
[Flashback to Nirvana finishing a concert]
Kurt Cobain Thank you! And remember, say "no" to drugs!
Agent Great concert Kurt. The label's excited about your seventh album.
Kurt Cobain Thanks. Oh you remember my wife, Courtney Love?
Agent Who?
[Courtney Love looks down and grimaces]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I have no son! Except for Stewie... and Meg!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [Dancing to Axel F] Neh-neh neh neh neh-neh neh neh. Neh-neh neh neh neh-neh neh. Neh neh neh neh-neh neh and then another neh-neh neh neh-neh.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Wow, it'll be just like that show "Big Brother", only with someone watching.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Carter Pewterschmiidt Peter, I see you're still fatter than Holy Hell.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now?
Brian Griffin Well, you'd be a black man.
Stewie Griffin Whoa! You've got to work on that, you know? Bad dog!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
PTSD 'Nam Vet I've seen some things, man, and some stuff! I wouldn't recommend it!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin [Peter's drunk in Massachusetts] I guess I am free this evening. Want to get drunk and watch a bad movie?
Brian Griffin I'll go rent "Vanilla Sky".
Lois Griffin I said a bad movie, not an abortion!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Preacher "Love thy neighbour as thyself". People ask me what that means. Can you believe it? Morons!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [naked and drunk at a wine tasting] Anyone seen that Peter Griffin? He said he'd give me twenty bucks if I took off all of my clothes off.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Well, Brian a Son! But he's 14 years old, and you're... you know...?
Brian Griffin Well, those are Dog Years.
Stewie Griffin But still...
Brian Griffin You know what, Stewie? If you don't like it, then go on the Internet and complain.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [Lois is away, trash is piling up] Peter! Peter! There's just so much doody! I just, I just can't fit any more in there! Help!
[faints]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin WAAAH! Ah, my Morning Scream...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Buttscratcher?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death Well, that would just leave England.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mort Goldman Muriel was so much better at overcharging people, because people were always undressing her in their heads, and then putting her clothes back on when they saw what was under there.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
German Storyteller There once was a little boy who sucked his thumbs. His mother asked him to stop but he would not. One day she cut off his thumbs. Now he has no thumbs. Goodnight!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Carter Pewterschmidt People of France, may I have your attention? A depressed good looking guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin I know this guy who sells pills that cure addictions...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Well, good riddance Christian Camp!
Meg Griffin Though, I have to say Chris seemed to enjoy himself.
Lois Griffin Well, Chris is a bit dumb, and while you're not beautiful or popular, you do have a head on your shoulders. So for people like you and me, Religion is no good, but for idiots like your brother, it's okay.
Chris Griffin What are you guys talking about?
Lois Griffin How handsome you are!
Chris Griffin Aw! Really?
Lois Griffin Swear to God!
[winks at Meg]
Meg Griffin You're a monster!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin [laughing]
Ms. Romano Damn it Julie, I am not shacking up with my boyfriend, I am just going away for the weekend.
Schneider Yeah! All, the a-way!
Brian Griffin Whoo-hoo! Oh, damn Schneider what will you say?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin I'm really enjoying playing golf.
Peter Griffin You know my great-great-grandfather Angus Griffin invented the game.
[flashback]
Angus Griffin So, we're all clear on the rules then. No Jews and no blacks.
Scottish men Aye.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter is watching a beer commercial]
Announcer Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you drink it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Good Peter Hey sorry, man, am I late? What did I miss?
Peter Griffin Thank God you're here. What do I do?
Bad Good Peter Tell him to keep lying. He's in too deep.
Good Peter Well, I don't know...
[Looks for good side]
Good Peter Hey, where's the other guy?
Good Good Peter [Is stuck on the same highway in his tiny car] Ah, this is unbelieveable!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[while eating a pancake]
Stewie Griffin Oh. Mmm, yes. Oh, God, this is better than *sex*.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[they are eating Trisha]
Tom Tucker Mmm. Diane can I cook or what?
Diane Simmons I guess we should be eating her with chopsticks
[they both laugh]
Brian Griffin Oh my god! They're eating Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa!
Peter Griffin That's insane! They're just gonna be hungry again in an hour.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois It's like I always tell the kids: "Quitters never win" and "Don't trust Whitey".
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Congressman Cigarettes killed my father... and raped my mother!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Gun Safety Instructor Remember, guns don't kill people. Dangerous minorities do.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin You know what might be a thrill for you guys?
Chris Griffin Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin As Mr H L Mencken said, The Common Man's a Fool...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin I'm going to give you a Sylvia Plath book and a bottle of Ambien, and then look the other way...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Do you ever just think "God, I'm Married to that Guy"?
Lois Griffin No, I just repress it. What's the worst that could happen?
Brain Tumour [to the Tune of Falco's Amadeus] Oh, I'm a Tumour, I'm a Tumour! I'm a Tumour! I'm a Tumour, I'm a Tumour! I'm a Tumour! I'm a Tumour, I'm a Tumour! Oh-oh, I'm a Tumour!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin I love you, Mom!
Lois Griffin I
[indistinct]
Lois Griffin too, Meg!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Joe Swanson I broke Gandalf.
Glen Quagmire It's Dumbledore!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
David Lynch [How the Lynch Stole Christmas] In the Future, leave a plate of Black Coffee out for me! And also in the Past!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin You knocked up my Mom and never called!
Drunken Irish Dad So what?
Peter Griffin So let's dance! Oh, he doesn't smell like Irish Spring, and he never taught me anything. But still I fall to my knees and sing for my Drunken Irish Dad.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin This day started off so great! I was awash in cake and Pony-boners, and now all I have is this dumb whistle!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Cleveland And that's how my Mom died!
[All laugh]
Peter Griffin Classic!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin That boy was Indian and 11! Where are you finding my Friends, Mom?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin What's she going to do, ground us? No, she'll take away Screen Time, realize she has to Entertain us, and then give it straight back!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Don't be an Instigator!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Ah, my Grundle!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin So when did you start using Invisalign?
Gillian You can see that?
Brian Griffin Sure, it's a word, not a fact.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Peter doesn't always Munch-ausen my Proxy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin I'm a Calico and my name is Humphrey!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Cleveland [Therapist] I'm going to need more Tweed...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Cleveland You mean you're just erasing cop-weiners all day?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin I would follow this man into the very bowels of Hell!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire Stop shaming us for not knowing the things you know. Can you fly a plane?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin I'll put it on MySpace, with a load of other things other people have made, to express my individuality...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin You know Mommy wouldn't usually invade Chris's privacy! She's more respectful than that.
Stewie Griffin Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire [being Pimped] Daddy Peter! She wants to do German things! GERMAN THINGS!
Peter Griffin Are you crazy, he hasn't eaten in three days! It's not going to work!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin He brought his Mom to the Oscars. That's not a big obvious sign of something, right?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin So what? Just drink and smoke a lot. But don't chicken out halfway through, or you'll get Chris.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire This is great! Drinking and eating garbage! I'm glad we took a Mental Health day...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Watching the Family fall apart without me is better than Cabo.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[repeated line]
Brian Griffin Oh, word?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [Hits all the buttons in a Hospital Elevator] You're gonna get sued!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin [Watching Sesame Street, crying] And look how old Maria's gotten!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Don't dance like you're in a Romcom because nosebleeds may be permament. Remember, most medicines are prescribed because a young lady with a rolling suitcase gave your Doctor a pen...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [Moses] Rule 1, Shut the Hell Up! Rule 2, There is nothing I can do about the Sun...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin [Garbage Island] Sorry, Stewie, I wasn't concentrating. I've been ejaculating almost constantly since we got here.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Principal Shepherd Do you mind if I massage your shoulders so I can say I do it to everyone in my upcoming litigation?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Okay, here's a Song by a Gay Guy...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I'm very aware that I'm watching a Play right now.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [Vegas] The woman who cleaned our room had no ears...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin [Snapshot of female Political figure] Ah, you can tell she fucks!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin [Eulogy] Rupert was a wonderful...
Stewie Griffin Power Bottom!
Brian Griffin Right.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin This man he, he don't sit right with me. He don't sit right with me, you understand?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin C'mon, let's drink until we can't feel feelings no more!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin The first rule of War is Know Thine Enemy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin I'm Snoopy, what did you come as?
Halloween Party Guest I'm a victim of the Liberal Agenda. I'm an Aborted Fetus.
Brian Griffin I see, and have you ever had Sex voluntarily?
Halloween Party Guest No, I have not.
Brian Griffin Well, I think I see my Friends, Bye!
Woodstock ! ! ! ?
Brian Griffin Yep and with a Capital C...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin You mean, go out on our own terms?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin This Society is Doomed.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Brian, is this our Holiday?
Brian Griffin Yeah.
Stewie Griffin Brian, are we trash?
Brian Griffin Yeah.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin I know what you're all about, Mr Herbert! Free Labour!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin I'm just going to go to my Happy Place. Being yelled at by kids, while playing Fortnite. No, your Mum's a Whore!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin I'm going to be a Mom again! My existence is justified!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin You can't spell Silo without Lois...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Carter Pewterschmidt [Zoo] I have an Itinerary we have to stick to, or I'll get really angry. Everybody loves a guy like me!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Now never do anything ever again. Friends?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Doctor Hartman You have severe Nerd Damage. Every Nerd is one tossed off joke away from reverting to their worst self.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin It was me. I was complimenting my own meatbag.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Ha! It's not loud, you're old!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Chicken! Gave me a... Bad Coupon!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Quagmire I ask how their relationship with their father is and if they say anything positive, I move on!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin They got in a big fight when his Mom got sick, and now they don't even follow each other on Twitter. The End.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Stolen-Monty-Python...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I'm cursed with optimism!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin There's no room in this World for Dreamers anymore!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mayor Wild West The only thing that can stop a Bad Man with a Mustache, is a Good Man with a Moustache!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I'm Peter Griffin, and I'm here because you screwed me over.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mayor Wild West That violates the Mustache Code!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [Airbourne on some ramshackle device] Oh no, it's one of those Chinese Weather Balloons!
Japanese Weather Balloon [Extraordinarily Beautiful for a Weather Balloon] Excuse me! I am Japanese!
Peter Griffin Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know.
Japanese Weather Balloon That's okay, just take this opportunity to learn and grow!
Peter Griffin I will, Balloon. I will.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mobility Scooter and Old This is Florida! All the Cops are just Strippers with Guns.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Timothy Chalamet My Father didn't just come here for Spice, but...
[blown away in a strong Arakeen Wind]
Peter Griffin I told you! He's not supposed to do Wind Stuff!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin The best Writing happens when you're not Writing!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Curse you Vile Woman, am I right?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin I wonder if this is how French Pointillist Artist George Seurat felt...?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Go away, Stewie, Mommy's looking at Real Estate Listings and dreaming of any Life other than This.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Splendid!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Who is this person who speaks to me as if I needed his advice?
[Throws Meg out of the Window of Suddenly it's Edinburgh Castle]
Peter Griffin Sorry, down there, just making a very old Movie Reference!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire Peter, the point of TV isn't Joy anymore. It's to destroy you emotionally.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin So, was that woman always bugging you to join Scientology?
Sitcom Star Yeah! But I'm a Devout Catholic, which is even weirder. Hey, how about when the Pope said all the Unbaptised Babies wouldn't have to go to Limbo, anymore?
Peter Griffin My Grandfather went to Hell for eating Meat on a Friday!
Damned Soul [Still eating a Steak] Worth it!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin But anyway, who cares now that Penises and Vaginas don't mean anything, anymore?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin There she is! The wealthiest Heiress in all of Newport! The Holy Grail for Guys like Us.
Stewie Griffin Whom is she?
Brian Griffin That's Margaret Woolworth Carrington von Schoemacher...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin There she is! The wealthiest Heiress in all of Newport! The Holy Grail for Guys like Us.
[Con Artists]
Stewie Griffin Whom is she?
Brian Griffin That's Margaret Woolworth Carrington von Schoemacher Chanel Astor Livingstone Compte de Saint Exupury Mountbatten Windsor Armani Roosevelt von Trapp Wickenham Hurst Montgomery Rothchild Johnson and Johnson Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana von Zwiger Second Montgomery de la Roche Geiko Vanderbilt Aniston van Buren Butterworth How I met your Mother Wrigley Louise Dreyfuss Ludwig Stanford...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Uh, hi. We're here to see the Dean.
Guardian of the College Nobody can see the Dean! Not nobody, not no how!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin Mom!
Chris Griffin Hahahaha! Nipples!
Meg Griffin That's it! I want those cameras off!
Chris Griffin Fourth wall, you're breaking the fourth wall!
Lois Griffin Meg, you're the one that got us on TV in the first place.
Meg Griffin Well now, I am getting us off TV.
[leaves angrily]
Meg Griffin I quit!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [Peter is upset, Stewie is trying to cheer him up] Hey...
[pats Peter's knee]
Stewie Griffin Hey, big guy... how you doin? Holdin up all right? Want a soda? Oh, screw it. I tried!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Brian has just peed on a Supermarket floor]
Peter Griffin Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin For God's sake, shake me. Shake me like a British nanny.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8... and home by 11.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin I love God. He's so deliciously evil.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Hidden missile behind the Great Wall? Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Quiet, sweetie. Men are talking.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[waiting in line for bathroom after drinking prune smoothie]
Peter Griffin Hooold it... hooooold it...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin I was making radio shows for fun! Everybody does it! Well, everybody I know. Shut up!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin God, England sucks now.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin There is no Peter, only Zool!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [Pregnant, getting heckled] Well, what about you? You look over forty, which means whatever you've got in there is Brain-Damaged!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin I warn you, if you kill me the Internet will freak out!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Teacher [Lottery Numbers] I won! I don't have to look at those dead-eyed, snot-nosed little freaks any more! Yahoo!
[Runs out]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Don't worry Quagmire, it's cool! This is the Doctor who killed Michael Jackson.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Brian, why does everything you touch turn to garbage?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Cleveland Die in Hell, terrorist!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Joe Biden Thanks for Shooting the Guy we said was Osama.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin I was left to die!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin I'm not leaving until I kiss someone, it's the only reason I joined the Army!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Well, I wrote in to Penthouse Forum about it, and I will not have you embarrassing me in the Filthy Magazine of Record!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [Eulogy, crying] I just realised the Munsters were driving around in a Hearse! I'm starting to think that Show was just one big joke!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin Happy Unbirthday!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Road-Couch!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin ...Bleep my Dad Says...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin This is even worse then when we went to see the "Vagina Monologues".
Talking Vagina [on stage at a comedy club] You know I heard they're using Jeff Gillooly in the hunt for Osama Bin Laden... Jeff Gillooly.
[no laughter]
Talking Vagina Okay, that one wasn't so fresh, but you knoooow...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Peter, did you take care of that...
Peter Griffin What? Oh, my growth! Yeah, I had the doctor looking at it.
Doctor Mr. Griffin, that isn't your growth, that's your penis.
Peter Griffin What about the...
Doctor Testicles.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Brian watches Nova]
Man on Nova After years of study, I discovered the secret to longer life for canines, and that secret is...
Man on TV We interrupt this program for several episodes of "One Day at a Time"
Ms. Romano Damn it, Julie, I'm a single mother doing the best damn job she knows how, and damn it Schneider, I ask you to fix that damn sink two days ago.
Schneider Oh, I'll fix your sink Ms. Romano, and by "fix your sink" I mean I'll have sex with you, and by "I have sex with you" I mean I'll fix your sink. And by "sink" I mean your reproductive organ. And by, "reproductive organ" I mean the thing between your knee, and by "the thing between your knee"? I... I guess that one's kind of self-explanatory.
[Brian hollers, then he crashes on the couch passed out]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Teeth # 1 Okay.
Teeth # 1 One, two...
Stewie Griffin Ah!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin You know, Lois, I'm really not comfortable talking about this amelodically.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Why the hell did we get off here?
Brian Griffin My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make peace with her.
Stewie Griffin So, she's in Austin? Eight miles that way?
Brian Griffin Yes.
Stewie Griffin All right. So, instead of driving down this sun-parched highway... we've now got to walk.
Brian Griffin Pretty much. Yeah.
Stewie Griffin You know what this means?
Brian Griffin Yeah.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin 1 million dollars!
Lois Griffin Brian, that sounded like Peter.
Peter Griffin Money, money, money!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Hello?
Peter Griffin Lois? I can't take out the garbage because they're keeping me late at the office.
Lois Griffin Peter, the caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact... I can see you.
Peter Griffin Can you see me now?
Lois Griffin No.
Peter Griffin Okay, now I'm at the office.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin So, what do you think of this "Music Television?"
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Doctor Mr. Griffin I'm saying you're fine.
Peter Griffin Now what? Are you coming on to me?
Lois Griffin Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you you're healthy.
Doctor ...Can't it be both?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Li Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
Stewie Griffin I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Diane Simmons And in entertainment, Mary Tyler Moore is 64 years old today.
Tom Tucker Really? 64?
Diane Simmons Yes!
Tom Tucker Now I thought she was dead.
Diane Simmons Nope, she's alive.
Tom Tucker Fantastic! And now this...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Tom Tucker And the winning theme for the Harvest Day Parade float is... the episode of "Who's the Boss" where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [while peeing into a urinal] Fire! Fire! City Hall is burning. Don't worry, I'll put it out.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: [singing] We're off on the road to Rhode Island/We're having the times of our lives
Stewie Griffin Take it, dog.
Brian Griffin We're quite a bit of partners just like Velma and Louise/Except you're not six feet tall/
Stewie Griffin Yes, and your breasts don't reach your knees.
Brian Griffin Give it time
Stewie Griffin Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're off on the road to Rhode Island/ We're certainly going in style/
Brian Griffin I'm with an intellectual who craps inside his pants/
Stewie Griffin How dare you, at least I don't leave urine stains on all the household plants.
Brian Griffin Oh, pee jokes.
Stewie Griffin Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We've traveled a bit and we fooooound/ Like a masocist in Newport/We're Rhode Island bound.
Brian Griffin Crazy travel conditions huh?
Stewie Griffin First class and no class.
Brian Griffin Whoa, careful with that joke. It's an antique.
Stewie Griffin Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're off on the road to Rhode Island/We're not going to stop 'till we're theeeere
Brian Griffin Maybe for a beer. Whatever dangers we may face we'll never fear or cry/
Stewie Griffin Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please!
Stewie Griffin Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're off on the road to Rhode Island/The home of that old campus swing/
Brian Griffin We'd like to get some college girls and picnic on the grass/
Stewie Griffin We'd tell you more but we would have the censors on our ass.
Brian Griffin Yikes!
Stewie Griffin Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We certanly do get around/Like a bunch of renegade pilgrims who were thrown out of Plymouth Colony/We're Rhode Island bound/Or like two groups of college freshmen who were rejected from Harvard and forced to go to Brown/We're Rhode Iiiiislaaaaand bouuuuuuuund.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[the eggs in Peter's beard have just hatched]
Peter Griffin Aww, they look just like the kids.
[Pictures Chris's head on the first bird, Stewie's on the second, trys to remember third child, Meg, but can't, imagines Boba Fett's head on the last bird instead]
Peter Griffin Sweeeeet.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I bet I laugh so hard I shoot milk out my nose!
Brian Griffin Uh, Peter, this is Brooke... she's having dinner with us tonight. I went over this with you a few minutes ago.
Peter Griffin [laughs uncontrollably as a torrent of milk from his nose hits Brooke and Brian]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Death's Mother Put on a jacket or you'll get frostbite.
Death I don't have any skin.
Death's Mother That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I didn't give those porn magazines to the kids. The truth is Lois. Lois, Lois, Lois, Ah! Oh, crap. The truth is I love my wife Lois very much. I gave those porn mags to my son. I wanted to teach him about treating women as objects. If anything I don't deserve your respect.
Trica Takanowa Mr Griffin, does this mean that you're not only a bad husband and father but you're a bad school board president?
Reporter #2 Will you resign over this?
Peter Griffin Yes, no and screw it, I resign.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Tom Tucker In local news, a Buddy Cianci High School student was caught with a lot of cocaine in his locker. He was sentenced to 100 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy. And now we go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast, Ollie.
[cuts to Ollie]
Ollie Williams He gonna get it!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Tom Tucker And now Channel 6 black man Ollie Williams with the weather. Ollie.
[cuts to Ollie]
Ollie Williams Issgon' rain!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin [appalled by the students being stupid] Nobody can be this stupid, not even Peter when he took that blow to the head and thought he was Larry from Three's Company!
Peter Griffin [cutaway to Peter ending the kitchen dressed as 'Larry'] Jack, there's a hot-tub party across the street and we're invited!
Brian Griffin What are you talking about?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter and his friends have formed a rock band and are performing at a prison]
Peter Griffin [shouting into microphone] Hello, Cleveland!
Cleveland Hello, Peter.
Quagmire [clapping drum sticks together] One, two, three, *four*!
Peter Griffin [small amount of time passes] Oh, my God. We don't know any songs.
[prisoners get mad]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin What happens if Meg develops a coke habit?
Peter Griffin [shouts] No Coke! Pepsi!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Why the hell did we get off here?
Brian Griffin My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make piece with her.
Stewie Griffin So, she's in Austin? Eight miles that way?
Brian Griffin Yes.
Stewie Griffin All right. So, instead of driving down this sun-parched highway... we've now got to walk.
Brian Griffin Pretty much. Yeah.
Stewie Griffin You know what this means?
Brian Griffin Yeah.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[the Jetsons parody]
Jane Oh my God. George.
George [after being on the dog walker] Did you not hear me out there?
Elroy Yeah, you...
George Go to your room, Elroy.
Elroy But...
George [shouts] Go to your room! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken.
Jane I'm sorry.
George Oh, ?I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Jane is sorry?, I could've been killed.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin You remember that time I was supposed to get that boat?
Peter Griffin [cut to previous scene] A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat! You know how much we wanted one of those!
Lois Griffin [cut back to present scene] Peter, that happened ten minutes ago.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Quagmire tries to hit on some women at a lesbian bar]
Glen Quagmire Hey, any of you ladies been penetrated?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[at a job interview]
Interviewer So where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter Griffin [thinking to himself "Don't say doing your wife. Don't say doing your wife."] Doing your, uh, son...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin Yo, did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin' somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Brian and Chris try to sneak into a fair by wearing a horse suit]
Ticket Seller Wait a minute... your ass just sneezed. And horses can't talk. No, no... nothing here adds up at all.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [to Peter] You. You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber.
[to Lois]
Stewie Griffin And you... well, I just plain don't like you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [singing] Lois makes me take the rap/'Cause our check book looks like crap/Since I can't give her a slap/I need a Jew.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[showing his crotch to Peter]
Glen Quagmire Does this look like a Q to you?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Oh, I hate it when your mother worries. She usually says things like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep."
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Diet Institute Worker Sir, you can't park your van in here.
Peter Griffin Hey, that's my kid.
Diet Institute Worker Oh sorry.
Diet Institute Worker Hey, don't worry, it's just a really fat kid.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Army Captain [while trying to take over Peteoria] As you may presently yourself be fully made aware of, my grammar sucks.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin We're going to grandpa Griffin's retirement party.
Meg Griffin But we haven't seen grandpa in a long time.
Lois Griffin Well, Meg your grandfather isn't comfortable with me since I'm not a catholic.
[Flashback to Peter and Lois's wedding where a sign on their car reads "Just Married" and spray painted underneat the sign reads "To a prodastant whore]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Since I took over as President our profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano.
Alyssa Milano Of all the cheap shots... Joel!
Joel I'm on it, I'm on it, I'm suing, I'm suing.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Charles Lindbugh has just accidentally flushed his baby down the toilet while potty training]
Charles Lindburgh OK, don't panic. He was kidnapped. You go phone the police, I'll write the note.
Mrs. Lindburgh [pointing at Amelia Earhart] But what about Amelia? She saw everything.
Charles Lindburgh You leave her to me...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Yea and God said to Abraham, "You will kill your son Isaac." And Abraham said, "I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone." And God said, "Oh I'm sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check... Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Cleveland Oh Quagmire, you are what the Spanish call, "El Terrible".
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter has just been offered a directing job, and has a daydream where, as a Hollywood big-shot, he falls off the balcony of his clifftop mansion, loses his robe, and crashes naked through the roof of the house of a Mexican family]
Mexican Husband øQuiÈn es esto?
[Who is this?]
Mexican Wife ...l es la respuesta a mis oraciones.
[He is the answer to my prayers]
Mexican Husband øPor quÈ?
[Why?]
Peter Griffin I love Mexicans! I'll do it!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bad Cockroach Man, I'm going to cut you up so bad, that you... you gonna wish I didn't cut you up so bad.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, on the other hand, is like this box of ACTIVE GRENADES!
Lois Griffin [oblivious] Oh, you want you toy back. Here yo go.
[Gives Stewie his Ray-Gun toy]
Stewie Griffin Yes... well... VICTORY IS MINE!
[he runs off - the sound of the grenades exploding is heard]
Stewie Griffin BLAST!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [giving a speech running for school board] This is life so go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have... my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [Brian is reading the newspaper] Look where my hand is. I say, look where my hand is. It's in a very naughty place.
Stewie Griffin [Brian puts the paper down, Stewie's finger is in his nose] Does this not disgust you?
Brian Griffin Kid, you're talking a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Stewie reads a card and discovers his name written inside as the sender]
Stewie Griffin Did you forge my name? How dare you. Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? Oh, I'm going to crap double for you tonight.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Gene Simmons Someone kidnapped Santa? That does not rock.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin }: It's just like Special K. But what do they do with regular K? And for that matter, what happened to Kay Ballard? You know, if you said Mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like Ballard.
Brian Griffin Do you ever listen to yourself talk?
Peter Griffin I drift in and out.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter Griffin Eh, I drift in and out.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter has plastic surgery]
Brian Griffin Hey, pal, you just can't walk in here, and, holy crap, it's Peter.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Oh, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[the family is planning a vacation]
Peter Griffin We could always go to purgatory like we did last year.
[flashback]
Lois Griffin This isn't bad. It's not good, but it's not bad.
Brian Griffin So so.
Peter Griffin More or less.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[looking around at a posh rehab clinic]
Peter Griffin This is the kind of place God would go to if He had to stop doing blow.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[at Peter's imaginary version of Cheesy Charlie's]
Kid I have 13 tickets, is that enough?
Clerk I'm sorry, Timmy. You need 15 tickets to live.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[watching The Brady Bunch]
Dad Greg, I'm afraid you've earned four hours in the snake pit as punishment. And Jan, for tattling on your brother, you've earned a day in the chamber of fire.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Stewie is about to be given an injection against his will, so he grabs something from the equipment trolley and threatens the nurse]
Stewie Griffin Come any closer and I'll cut her!
[realizes he's holding a tongue depresser]
Stewie Griffin I'll give her a series of splinters... that could become infected.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter and Brian are touring the Pawtucket Brewery]
Peter Griffin Wow, it's like I died and went to heaven, then God realized it wasn't my time yet, so He sent me back to a brewery.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter Griffin Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire Baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Jeffrey. Take the 4.20 from Hounslow out of your mouth.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my invisible friend, Col. Schwartz.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Lois, When I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin Dad, if I don't get my driver's license, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.
Peter Griffin Meg... are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin Mom, there's no way I'm sleeping in Chris's room this weekend. It smells like old milk in there!
Chris Griffin Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Lois told me to clean the windows, wash the siding, and clean the gutters. To most normal guys, that's three jobs. To Peter Griffin and his big hose, that's one job.
Cleveland You're not working hard, Peter. You're working smart.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin I'm just a dog, Lois. A stupid dog.
[to the bartender]
Brian Griffin Vodka stinger with a whiskey back and step on it.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[watching a news report about Peter's old teacher who is getting his students to toss endagered condor eggs off the school roof]
Lois Griffin Oh my god. He's going to wipe that species off the face of the earth.
Peter Griffin Nah, the janitor will take care of that.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Oh, I hate these high-pressure sales situations.
Peter Griffin Oh, that's so cute! You're just afraid that because you're a woman you're gonna do something stupid, like buy that time-share or not realize that your husband taped over our wedding video with soft-core cable porn.
Lois Griffin You taped over our wedding video?
Peter Griffin Just the boring stuff.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Peter, you're drunk again.
Peter Griffin No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin The ol' alma matter. I tell you, there's something magical about Brown.
Chris Griffin Brown's the color of poo. AHHAHAHAHAHA.
Brian Griffin Yes, it is.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said, "I'm going to kill you."
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[watching a baseball game]
Stewie Griffin Why does that man drop his club before he runs? I would bring it with me.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin Dad, what if I told you I didn't want to be in the Scouts anymore?
Peter Griffin I'd say "come again?" Then I'd laugh because I said "come."
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Pablo Santa can't be Asian. He doesn't drive 20 miles an hour under the speed limit with his blinker on!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin Can you please teach me how to drive?
Brian Griffin Meg, you might want to find a better driver then Peter.
Peter Griffin What are you talking about? I'm a great driver.
Brian Griffin Oh, yeah. Remember your trip to the Southwest.
[flashback]
Roadrunner Meep Meep.
[Peter's car runs over him]
Brian Griffin Oh my God. Did I just hit that ostrich?
Wile E. Coyote No.
Peter Griffin Are you sure?
Wile E. Coyote Yeah. Keep going.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Chris jumps on Peter's lap]
Chris Griffin Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and...
[kisses Peter]
Peter Griffin Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Son, this is a big day for you. Today, you become the man of the house, because, when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin Are you and dad going to get a divorce?
Lois Griffin Oh, honey... maybe.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Make sure there's a fresh copy of Wall Street Journal next to the changing table.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I'd sell my soul to be famous.
[cut to hell]
Satan We've got a live one. Peter Griffin.
Assisstant No good, sir. It seems he already sold his soul once in 1977 for Bee Gees tickets and then again in 1983 for half a mallomar.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I'm going to jump off this building.
Cleveland Could you repeat that, Peter. I believe I heard something crazy in my ear.
Glen Quagmire Wait, hold the phone, you took me away from a Swedish girly-girl and her paralyzed but trusting cousin for this?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Excuse me, would you like to taste my smoked meat log?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Peter, there's a naked man on this cake.
Peter Griffin There were only two cakes left, and trust me, you do not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Wow, I'm even better than that dad from Lost In Space.
[flashback]
Dad We need to chart this planet. Greg, you take my 16 year old blonde daughter out in the chariot for the rest of the day. Penny, you stay with me. And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing, boy-hungry peadophile with you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[on the phone]
Chris Griffin So, what are you wearing?
[pause]
Chris Griffin Wow. I bet you can see right through that.
Lois Griffin Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris Griffin Grandma.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin What's Lois doing with Ross Fishman?
Glen Quagmire Is it possible she's a whore? You know, like on weekends to pay for her mom's dialysis... as in my fantasy.
[pause]
Glen Quagmire You know what, let's start over. Hi, I'm Quagmire.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?
Peter Griffin Yeah I think it looks better.
Lois Griffin You pasted it over me.
Peter Griffin Yeah I think it looks better.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Lois is upset about a cult that is worshipping Peter]
Peter Griffin Don't worry Lois. I'll handle this. I read a book about this kind of thing once.
Brian Griffin Are you sure it was in a book? Are you sure it wasn't... nothing?
Peter Griffin Oh, yeah.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin Yeah, why are we here in this bomb shelter when I could be getting felt up by Kevin?
Lois Griffin Now don't give it to him all at once, honey, make him work for it.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [to youth cult] Hey guys, you want to come to my son's first birthday party?
[They all drink a toast to Peter's idea with a poison-laced punch, then all collapse simultaneously]
Peter Griffin I guess that's just more people who would rather fake their own deaths than go to a party with you, Meg.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Guy in Chicken Suit Enjoy your chicken sandwich.
Stewie Griffin Enjoy your studio apartment.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[a grim, hooded wraith with a scythe approaches Peter's door]
Peter Griffin Wh-Who are you?
Death I'm Callista Flockhart. Who do you think I am? I'm Death.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin You got anything on that remote lower than Mute?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin They covered the house in micro-film of Teflon so you never have to clean.
[the family slips and falls to the floor]
Peter Griffin I probably shouldn't have had them cover the floors in it.
[Stewie skates by]
Stewie Griffin I'm nudes on ice!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin It'll be a good chance to get away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin We're officially on welfare. Come on, kids. Help me scatter garbage on the front lawn.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Family is talking about Peter's Drinking problem]
Brian Griffin And remember the time when you had an Irish Coffee before we went to see "Philadelphia"?
[Shows them in a movie theater]
Peter Griffin Ah, yeah. It's the guy from "Big". Tom Hanks Everything he says is a Riot.
Tom Hanks I have AIDS.
[Peter starts laughing uncontrollably]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin Hi, my name is Chris. Mom and dad said that I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight and not mention poo. Oh god! What have I done?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.
[everyone gasps]
Brian Too soon?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Peter, are you sure, you've never had much luck telling jokes.
[Flash Back to Peter in a net surrounded by apes with guns]
Peter Griffin Okay, Okay. How many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw faeces at each other. Hehehehehehe.
[Apes cock shotguns]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
UPS Woman I've got a package for Glen Quagmire.
Quagmire I'll be right back
[Closes door, then returns a moment later, naked]
Quagmire And I've got a package for you too! Oh!
[she maces him]
Quagmire Nice try, but I've built up an immunity.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin And this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Quagmire Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys. Where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I.
Cleveland Quagmire, you forgot to say "Oh".
Quagmire Really? I could've sworn... just to be on the safe side, "OH."
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Cleveland Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protestors burned down our porta-potties and I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Judge Mr. Griffin, we have undisputable evidence that not only were you never not in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you were never even in the same state. What do you have to say for yourself?
Peter Griffin Babba booey, babba booey, Howard Stern's penis, Babba booey, babba booey.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Family is trying to hide from mobsters]
Peter Griffin Don't worry, I got it all worked out. We'll move to England, huh? Worst they got there is, you know, drive-by... arguments...
[Meanwhile, in England]
Englishman I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stifworth, the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a united European commonwealth?
Jeremy Why yes, I daresay it is.
Englishman Oh, let's get him.
[They drive up]
Englishman Oh Reginald... I disagree.
[drives off]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Soooo Broccoli, mother says you're very good for me. But I'm afraid I'm no good for you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[to Stewie, at Christmastime]
Chris Griffin Here, it's a candy cane. But don't stick it up your nose, it burns like hell.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[a parody of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory]
Pawtucket Pat Take a drink, and you'll sink, to a state of pure inebriation.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Englishman #1 I say, you know what's really funny? A man dressed in women's clothing.
Englishman #2 Yes, quite. Ripping good laugh.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [to his grandmother] I smell death on you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [to a masseuse] Sh, sh, sh, no conversation.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [singing and pointing to rifle and crotch alternately] This is my rifle / This is my gun / This is for fighting / This is for fun!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Stewie is resting while Brian is licking his crotch]
Stewie Griffin Urgh, what the hell do you think you are doing?
Brian Griffin I'm cleaning myself.
Stewie Griffin You were clean fifteen minutes ago, now you're just on vacation!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg I cant believe my stupid parents are going to spend five stupid days following stupid Kiss on tour. That's painful.
Peter Griffin Not as painful as a tire iron upside your head.
Meg What?
Peter Griffin Nothing.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin OK, Rupert, what do you think of our Mad Lib?
[clears throat]
Stewie Griffin [reading] Cinderella had two step-'watermelons', who were very 'smelly' to her. So her fair god'toilet' turned her pumpkin into a big 'fanny', and sent her off to the 'poop'.
[short laugh]
Stewie Griffin Oh, how ruthlessly absurd.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin Mom, can I be excused from the table? Stewie is gonna help me with my math homework.
Lois Griffin Honey, don't be silly. He's only a baby.
Stewie Griffin Right, and you are a regular Rhodes Scholar yourself. Where did you graduate from? The University of Duuuuhhh?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire [to feminist woman] The plight of women in this hemisphere is deplorable.
Glen Quagmire [to woman who likes strong men] I can bench press 800 pounds.
Glen Quagmire [to woman who loves jazz music] You, me and Coltrane till dawn, baby. Giggedy, giggedy, giggedy, giggedy!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin She packed my bags. Last night preflight. Zero hour 9am
[inhales cigarette]
Stewie Griffin and I'm gonna be... high... as a kite by then.
[transparent Stewie clone #1]
Stewie Griffin And I think its gonna be a long time til touch down brings me round again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home, Oh No no! I'm a rocket man. Rocket man! Burnin out his fuse out here, Alone!
[Transparent stewie clone #2 bow tie undone]
Stewie Griffin And I think its gonna be a long time til touch down brings me down again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home, Oh no no no! I'm a rock it man. Rocket man! burnin out his fuse out here. Alone!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin They look at me and see a loser. Except that guy with the lazy eye... He sees a loser and a snack machine.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Lois is washing Stewie's hair in the sink]
Stewie Griffin Careful! You're washing a baby's scalp, not scrubbing the vomit out of a Christmas dress, you stupid holiday drunk.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter and Chris are dressed in grass skirts]
Peter Griffin [slapping Chris] No, no, no. It's "step, pivot, step, pause". Are you TRYING to piss off the volcano god?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter saw Lois in a coffee shop talking with her old college boyfriend]
Peter Griffin I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Cleveland That tickles me in a way where, if Loretta were to tickle me that way, I'd say, "Oh... yeah, that's it... that's the spot."
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
["Hollywood Squares" parody]
Contestant I'll take the dying boy to block.
Tom Bergeron Ok, Jeremy... is there anything lower than absolute zero?
Jeremy Uhh, yeah... my white cell count.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Toy Designer I've just finished the new line of G.I. Jew toys.
[he pushes a button on the G.I. Jew action figure]
G.I. Jew You call these bagels?
Toy Designer Whoa, I'm glad he's on our side.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Hey, if every woman dumped her husband for crashing a blimp into the Superbowl, no one would be married.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Peter, only one gift was for charity. The rest were for the family.
Peter Griffin No, the rest were FROM the family... weren't they? Aw crap, since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?
Brian Griffin I think they had a meeting about it last night.
Peter Griffin Why wasn't I told?
Brian Griffin They sent you a card, but it said 'For Peter' on it, so you must have thought it was FROM you, so you didn't uh... You know, it's just easier to call you stupid.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Brian is sitting next to a woman, panting]
Woman Pervert.
Brian Griffin Oh, don't flatter yourself, honey; I don't have any sweat glands.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin Can I be in the play, Mom?
Stewie Griffin Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin I've been to New York. It's like Prague sans the whimsy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Stewie is sitting in between Meg and Peter dressed like a prostitute]
Stewie [to Meg] It's eerie, isn't it. Like looking into the future.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Mark my words, your uppance shall come.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin How could you embarrass me like that? Nobody better pull this kind of crap at my slumber party tonight.
Lois Griffin Don't worry, honey. You and your friends are gonna have a great time.
Stewie Griffin Yes. How delightful it will be. A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and jellybeans and stickers.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin The breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I don't... I have no problem... it's just there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. Uh... I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God! Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Oh, boy! I remember my first job. I was in a folk music trio.
[cuts to a room in the 1970s, Peter is sitting with Art Garfunkel and Paul Simon]
Peter Griffin Hey, how about "Here's to You, Mrs. Fleckenstein"?
Paul Simon Yeah, you've been pitching that for an hour. It's just not a very attractive name.
Peter Griffin [petulant] Oh, fine, fine. I guess were also not going with "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Lowery's Seasoning Salt."
[scoffs, leaves]
Peter Griffin That's it, I'm going to 'Nam.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Chris, quit it! Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again.
Chris I can't help it, I have these long dancer's legs.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[after Stewie gets taken into an ethnically diverse foster family]
Indian boy Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?
Stewie Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country.
Indian boy Yee, would your people really do this?
Stewie Try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen who in turn sells them to Ura's people so that they can ethnically clense the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other!
[Children start crying]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Peter is watching a pornographic video]
Woman on Tape How about some whipped cream...
Peter Griffin Ohh! That's always good.
Woman on Tape ...and some cinnamon.
Peter Griffin Ohh! Oh, that's good too.
Woman on Tape And then guess what? I'm going to add...
Peter Griffin Ah, Jeez! If she says "Mrs. Dash" I'm going to lose it.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[in a turtle-shaped pool float]
Stewie My God, I'm to entrust my life to a turtle - nature's "D" student?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Gay Dog Hey! You guys got any cheese doodles?
[honks horn]
Gay Dog See, that's what I do, I ask for a snack, and then I blow the horn.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin If I had a hole in my neck, I'd put pennies in it!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie [talking over speaker] Welcome Man in White, I've been expecting you.
Cult Leader W-who said that? Who's there?
Stewie Peek-a-Boo, I see you!
[Man in White walks to the closet]
Stewie You're getting warmer...
[Man in White opens closet door to discover a walkie talkie]
Cult Leader Where are you? What do you want?
Stewie Freedom! What do you want?
Cult Leader I wanna get the hell out of here!
Stewie Oh, I'm sorry, we're fresh out of that, all we have left is untimely death!
[Stewie appears with a laser gun in his hand]
Cult Leader What the hell is this?
Stewie It's a boy.
[Stewie fires at Man in White]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Brian is working as a guide dog and has taken a blind man to see "The Blair Witch Project"]
Brian Okay, they're - they're in the woods. The camera keeps on moving. Uh... I think they're looking for some witch or something; I don't know, I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Something about a map. Nothing's happening. It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Brian Singing to Stewie]
Brian Griffin I'll bet money / You'll marry a honey / Who's pretty and funny / And her name will be Ted.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Susan Sarandon I'm Susan Sarandon. You might know me as Tim Robbins' mother...
[derisively]
Susan Sarandon ... but actually I'm his girlfriend.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Brian is at Stewie's party. A clown holding a soda siphon passes]
Brian Griffin Hey you, hit me!
[the clown squirs soda water into Brian's Martini glass]
Brian Griffin Now if I can just find a midget with some gin I'll be in business.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Peter, where the hell have you been? We had a date.
Peter Griffin Oh sorry, honey, I must have lost track of the time. But what do you say, eh? 'Think the guys will like it?
Lois Griffin This is why you missed our dinner? To make a bar for your friends?
Peter Griffin Yeah, isn't it great? Oh boy, I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff and I have a criminal record.
[grunts]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Stewie taunts a girl who has fallen down a well]
Stewie Griffin It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [Peter's letter to Fox about "Coach", hyphens around the sections that get deleted by TippEx] if you don't put 'coach' back on the air i'll -be really upset. the s- kill -ful acting of- craig t. nelson -will be missed a lot- signed peter griffin
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Rising Stars Instructor Look, it's your first marquee!
[the sign reads "Simon & Garfunkel" followed by "Olivia & Stewie"]
Olivia It's pretty cool, huh?
Stewie Griffin The marquee or the other thing?
Olivia What other thing?
Stewie Griffin You know- the sex... with Simon. I mean, why else would your name be first?
Olivia Well, it makes sense ya know. Lead with strength, put your BEST foot forward.
[pause]
Stewie Griffin So the sex was good?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Brian, tape this for me.
Brian Griffin Oh, sorry. The VCR hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football.
[Flashback: FBI Agents burst in just as Peter is about to tape]
FBI Agent Do you have the expressed written consent of ABC Sports and the National Football League?
Peter Griffin Just ABC.
[FBI Agents blow the VCR to bits]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin [on Meg's shoulders] Just a little higher, honey.
Meg Griffin Mom, I don't think I can...
[sinks]
Girl Who's holding Lois?
Boy Some guy named Mel.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin You didn't love me. It was my cookies! Well, sugar, the bakery just closed. Go get your fill somewhere else, you oatmeal-raisin-loving freak!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV and she looks like a foot.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [a Past Generation of the friends is drinking in the Clam] To the Clam!
Glen Quagmire To the Clam!
Joe Swanson To the Clam!
Joe Swanson And to mind-damaging STDs!
Glen Quagmire I wake up with blood on my penis-pillow!
Peter Griffin I'm going to die an old man in a chair, staring out to sea and going slowly insane!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin [Her sleeping pills have been switched for Alka-Seltzers] People are gonna miss me when I'm BUUUUUURP!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[repeated line]
Stewie Griffin Good Lord!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Doctor A child incapable of behaving to the satisfaction of a teacher? I've heard of this, but I never thought I'd see it in my lifetime...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [drunk, to male coworker] Why don't you look me in the eye when we make love?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[repeated line]
Peter Griffin Holy crap!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez.
Chris Griffin That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Rev Robertson We're still here! How come we weren't Raptured?
Rev Falwell I know. We hated all the right things!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[repeated line]
Lois Griffin Peeetah!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Okay, Doc, let's give her some pills to switch that mouth off, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [Madlibs] Oh, how ruthlessly absurd!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [bringing Stewie back from the Maternity Ward] Okay, little guy, it's down to you! Save. This. Family.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [on Bill Cosby] I was so busy not seeing color that I didn't see all the raping.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin [Heaven] Look at us! Who'd have thought I'd ever be hanging out with Hemmingway, Van Gogh and Cobain! How'd you all end up here?
Ernest Hemmingway Well, I collapsed under the weight of my own genius, and so I shot myself.
Kurt Cobain I didn't want my music to become part of some Corporate Mechanism, so I shot myself.
Vincent Van Gogh I couldn't reconcile the beauty of the World with the way people around me were living, so I shot myself.
Brian Griffin ...I got into the garbage and ate some chocolate.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [to bully] I've worked out why you do this, from some deep inner pain, so I thought what would help IS SOME OUTER PAIN!
[fires laser]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Greased-Up Deaf Guy Yes, I'm Greased-Up and, yes, I'm Deaf, but what else am I?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Albino The Moon is my Sun. I like to kill beetles. Beetles are Teachers. I sleep with a Knife.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Colleague You must like working here, it must be like being back at school?
Chris Griffin Actually that's a social nightmare like Lord of the Flies. This is a nice clear hierarchy. I hear it's worse in Canada, though.
Canadian Student [has trapped a nerd] Well, look who matriculated early! I guess someone really wants to go to University? What are you going to do when we put you in Hospital for Free, eh?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Christian Abstinence Campaigner You wouldn't put a Plastic Bag over your Grandmother's Head, would you?
Confused Student No?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Don't you know about the Bird? Everybody knows that the Bird is the Word.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lord Baden-Powell I'd like to take your son out into the Woods.
Mother That sounds suspicious...
Lord Baden-Powell But what if I say we'll both be wearing shorts and neckerchiefs and I'll be giving him little patches for doing what I say?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin Then that is what I shall do, unless Slenderman instructs me otherwise.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin She said a swear!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin All right, as a Rich Dad I will now expect you to compete for my attention while I remain cold, distant and unimpressed.
Chris Griffin Well, Dad, I came second in the School Boat Race.
Peter Griffin Sounds like another Dad out there is happier than me...
Meg Griffin I got an article in the School Newspaper.
Peter Griffin That is because I had it arranged.
Chris Griffin I was thinking of joining the Army.
Peter Griffin No, Meg, as a girl your life has no inherent worth. Now I'm going to gaze at an expensive piece of scrimshaw. Proud sons of New Bedford all. Ah, that's good scrimshaw.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [Large Plume] Marital Woes continue to bedevil me. Dib-dib-dib-dib-dib-dib-dib...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Coach Ah, thirty years of smoking and I'm still alive!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin I've done worse. I replaced Peter's I Can't Believe it's Not Butter with real Butter...
Peter Griffin [Has some toast] What... I... Can't... Believe...
[cut to him being strapped down in an Asylum]
Peter Griffin WAAAH! WAAH!
Lois Griffin Yes, but Doctor, I think it might have been real butter.
Doctor Your husband killed three children!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Can I see Mommy now?
British Nanny There, there you're born now. That's enough of this Mommy Nonsense!
[Leaves him]
Stewie Griffin Not even a stuffed bear to hug?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Jenny Now that I have contracted the most infectious disease known to Man, I will finally have pity sex with you once!
Forrest And I'll cut the grass and raise the AIDS baby!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Some say Love it is a River that drowns the tender Reed/ Some say Love it is a Razor that leaves your Soul to Bleed...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I think your father's Gay.
Glen Quagmire Gay? We should all be so Gay!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin When the World is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin On the way home he poisoned me with Polonium Tea. All my hair fell out and I lost a third of my bodyweight. That is our President's best friend.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mouse Vicar Do you like Sacramental Wine and Mouse Russell Crowe Movies?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Swede Ooooh! Blackensippen!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I did not care for The Godfather. It insists upon itself.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Please leave a message after the Blorp.
[Blorp]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin The Great Gatsby! A book written by the only respected guy called Scott.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Cleveland A Red Balloon tied to a Mailbox is the universal symbol for Party Over Here!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Teacher Page two of the three page book on how to be a teacher says any difficult child should be medicated.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[repeated line]
Vern Play me off, Johnny!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin If you want to learn more about Drugs, then why not go to your local Library? There's probably a guy behind there selling Drugs...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brandi John Lennon said that Love is the answer. He also said No thanks, every hot woman in the World, I'll take this girl who crawled out of the Well in The Ring who all my friends hate...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [Bar burned down] We need to find another photo of his wife! There's one!
Cleveland No, that's Bruno Mars.
Peter Griffin Who's she?
Cleveland She's a he, and he's not Black or White. He's a crazy mixed-up Future Person!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin You gonna go out into the Country and let the AIDS blow through your hair?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin I feel you, Meg.
Meg Griffin Shut up.
Lois Griffin You shut up.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
TV Announcer [Teen Choice Awards] Your host, Tanktop Gayface!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin [AA Meeting] Are we allowed to have a different opinion?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Hey look, there's Oral Roberts University! And there's Anal Roberts University! That's a hard place to get into, but you'll be surprised how much you like it once you're there.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Arnie Every second I'm not having sex with a housekeeper, Robots are killing People in the Future!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire [book club] I know you're very well read, Angela, but my point is that this is poetry, and with poetry you can't BE wrong!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin But I thought being Gay wasn't a choice?
New Friend Well, not for boys!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [Congress] What you're forgetting is that anyone who doesn't want to go to War is Gay.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin We know the problem, we're all depressed! Let's go and stare out of separate windows of the house.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Ah, it's a Mustache kind of morning...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
British Airman Now let's get this mission over with so we can go home to our Big Fat Pigs of wives!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Wow, Louis CK?
Louis CK Yes.
Peter Griffin Well, if you like us, everybody has to!
Louis CK Yes.
[Leaves]
Peter Griffin I'm glad he got Big Enough that we could do this...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin That's the deal you make with the Gods of Fun: every 72 hours you lose a day.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Cleveland I have a weird fat boy too. Would you like a hug?
Peter Griffin Birthdays are the hardest.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin The Global Community's Inaction during the Holocaust was Unforgivable.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Optician I recommend these frames. They were made for an Intergalactic Homosexual.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Olivia Check out the Asian Businessman!
Stewie Griffin [to the tune of Chopsticks] I work really hard 'cos I'm no fun!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin [Time Travel] It's so great to meet you! You're why I want to be a writer!
Ernest Hemmingway Well I always like talking about writing!
Brian Griffin I know man! I mean, if only we could chop off these arms and attach the pen to the heart!
[Hemmingway shoots himself. Brian runs back to Stewie and Chris]
Brian Griffin I got his pen!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Ah, the World of Books! "Horton hears Domestic Violence in the next Apartment but doesn't call 911"...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Silver-Suited 1950s Spaceman How's the soil, Professor Knockers?
Professor Knockers [scoops up some soil] It's Good!
Silver-Suited 1950s Spaceman [nodding] Good. Good.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [Child Actor] I'm not supposed to use my voice for non-paying stuff, Brian.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Anthony Robbins I'm coming, Broken People!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Dying Gay Therapist It's from Romeo and Juliet! But what would you know, you're in no way British.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Les Miserables Grape Ah, there's a foot...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
TV Announcer And now from the makers of Paranormal Activity, Normal Activity!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [to Dying Therapist] Sorry, this for me is like: No Biggie.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin We all know that no woman anywhere ever wants to have sex ever...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin It is my duty as a Bad Father to prove I can do anything my kids can do.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Now, let's drink until we uncover repressed memories of abuse by a Trusted Religious Official!
Cleveland Oh, come on Peter, who- Oh, Father Jackson, how could you!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Trica Takanowa I'm standing by the Portajohns where Dads who are hurting will soon be throwing up in front of their still-developing kids.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Carter Pewterschmiidt Gentlemen, this is Peter, the Idiot my Daughter married.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You know, people often ask me "Peter, how does an idiot like you end up with a smokin' hot wife like Lois? It just doesn't make any sense!" Well, some feel it's due to a nurturing instinct present in many women which compels them to save a lost cause such as myself. Others suggest it's just a dramatic way for Lois to get back at her Dad. And Mission Accomplished there, because that guy really hates me like poison...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Anyone wearing a nightgown at 2pm is not a happy person.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I'm just poking at your funny bone.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Joe Swanson [motivating Bonnie on a running machine] You're garbage people! You work for the Town!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Jiminy Cricket Hello, Peter! I'm your Conscience!
Peter Griffin Ah! Bug!
[squashes Jiminy]
Jiminy Cricket's Sister-in-Law Sharon, you laid a place for Jiminy again!
Jiminy Cricket's Widow Oh, yes. Oh, why! Why did he have to go around giving strangers advice! Wasn't being a Paediatric Oncologist enough for him?
Jiminy Cricket's Sister-in-Law He hit on me at your wedding.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin ...Teapot Dome Scandal...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin At least I'll die mildly clever.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Only one thing left to do: get drunk, go upstairs and weird out the kids.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ida [Quagmire's Sex Doll Tea Party] I wish I'd given you more siblings, Glen!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin And that's the story of the Christmas I would never forget, until I went home and had 50 beers and did forget, but not until after screaming myself into a blackout as my family held me down.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Old Timey Policeman Don't worry, everything's under control. I have a whistle, a cloth cap, a key to a callbox and a map of the city!
Victorian Lady Hurry, my Dog's been stolen!
Old Timey Policeman I don't much like your tone. That's a tiny pad and pencil citation for you!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ma Walton Goodnight, Jim-Bob! Goodnight, Jim-Bob?
Jim-Bob Dammit! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Right Meg, I have here the eight hours of Monty Python that are neither funny nor memorable!
Monty Python I have a pet hedgehog, Zippy, and when I take him for a walk I go Ping, Ping, Ping!
Meg Griffin [tied to chair] I'm a girl! I don't even like the good Monty Python stuff!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin I haven't got a clue what he's talking about, but it really holds my attention.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Teacher Excuse me, I'm just going to put on this tape of me having sex with my wife.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Priest You may kiss the Bride.
Peter Griffin Kiss her? I'm going to destroy her!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Caillou Dad, why are we sitting on the washing machine?
Caillou's Dad Because in Canada men have vaginas.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin We don't know how to end these any more so we're just doing nonsense.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [Spiritual Journey] Yeah, I'm Eat, Gay, Loving it!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Why should I bring a gift if you're just going to kill me?
Stewie Griffin Etiquette!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin What's the point of drugs if you don't have kids to share them with?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin You do me an honour, lieutenant, but my dance card is full.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Hold on, I'll be with you in a moment, Mr. Duckford.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin Everything in my head is screaming!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin A Flautist, Peter!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Hey, Clevemire!
Glen Quagmire That's Quagland!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bully We're four boys and you're one boy, so we're going to bully you.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin ...squirl...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin I'm off to look at books filled with photos of tasteful nudes.
[wanders offscreen]
Stewie Griffin Oh, those are so tasteful!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Well, I took a lot of Ecstasy in my twenties so now nothing really makes me happy any more.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Carter Pewterschmidt [Attempting to Chat Up a Teenybopper] Hi, I'm Carter Pewterschmidt and I require a Tremendous amount of Calcium!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin It's called Guillermo's Paradox.
Cleveland What's that, now?
Peter Griffin Guillermo del Toro theorized that a Fat Man's Shirt can never appear slimming or clean.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Meg wants me to give her a bunch of money to go to College, and I guess I'd rather spend that money on Alcohol.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin But there you go. Everybody likes to feel useful.
[sighs]
Peter Griffin Make-a de World go around...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire [Wakes Up, there's a Note] Right, now what does this one say? Glen this is too complicated for me, I left an omelette in the Microwave, good luck with your Life. Huh.
[Turns it over]
Glen Quagmire Glen, by the time you read this, I will be dead. Oh, right! This...
[sighs]
Glen Quagmire this is the Suicide Note from Yesterday. I... need a File Cabinet.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin And as you barrel down the Freeway, screwing a whore in the ass and yelling at a Trucker to honk at you, you might want to ask yourself some serious questions about why you would want to titillate another man, a stranger...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Tinder makes you Gross.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Old Man Griffin, are you defecating right now?
Peter Griffin Guilty as charged, Sir, but then I am filled with compunction.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin You shot me in both my knees then set me on fire. Piss off.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bruce I live in the incongrously purple house on the corner with all the Desert Plants.
Peter Griffin I know it well! I have left my dog's expulsions on your Astroturf many a time! Welcome to our home!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [flu-ridden] DO I SOUND SEXY? Tell me I sound sexy! Clear off the Couch, kids, I'm going to do your Mother right here!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Like when the Fat Man worked out how to get into Cosmetology School!
Peter Griffin Hi, I'm a Drug Addict with a Child?
Cosmetologist Come on in!
Peter Griffin And will I be using the little Head-Rakes?
Cosmetologist You mean Combs?
Peter Griffin I have so much to Learn!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mort Goldman We like to watch old movies while listening to Hotel California, to see if it syncs up in a significant way. And so far, no. Nothing has.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Doctor The Surgery was a Success, by which I mean the Hospital accepted your Discover Card...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Boy You must be Chris.
Chris Griffin I must?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I'm coming, Balloon!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin We're going to Vape!
Peter Griffin It's killing people, but not that many yet!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I can't really think thoughts no more, 'cos of the Internet.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Joe Swanson When you lose one ability your other senses are heightened. When I lost my legs, I gained a sense of underpants.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Is someone there? I thought I heard something over the Roar of my Tinnitus.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [on his Death Bed] Chris! Underage... Lactating... Latinas!
Chris Griffin [crying] I WILL, FATHER! I WILL!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire No, you're not going to die! We're going to ask Santa to give you a New Brain!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Tom Tucker Snr More and more women are working outside the Home. Prostitutes, I call them.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Hello, 1950s Doctor. My friends here...
1950s Doctor You're friends with a Cripple and a Negro? This man is Insane! Take him away!
[Peter is bundled away]
Cleveland Now, wait a minute! You can't do that to...
1950s Doctor A Negro speaking up to a White Person? This man is Insane!
[Cleveland is bundled away]
Joe Swanson Now, look. I don't think...
1950s Doctor All Cripples are Insane! Euthanise this Man!
[Joe is bundled away]
1950s Doctor Is there something I can help you with?
Glen Quagmire Yeah, you got any Braindead Women in there you let guys have sex with for a few bucks?
1950s Doctor Sure, come on back!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Carter Pewterschmiidt [giving her a ride] Ass, Gas or Grass?
Lois Griffin Gas!
Carter Pewterschmiidt Prude...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Laika Joke on them! I find Happy Dog Planet! In 50 years we go back and bite everyone, but now we DANCE!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [Rehab Counsellor] First off, to save money you should all start sharing needles. And have as many kids as you can, because that increases the chances one of them will make it big in Hollywood! Then who's paying the Bills, eh? Hollywood kid!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin That's it, I'm going to quit Writing!
Stewie Griffin Oh, Brian, right now your Writing is the only thing giving your alcoholism any credibility!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin I won a Chainsaw! Some lady at the Bar was giving away all her husband's stuff because he shot himself in the face!
Stewie Griffin I've seen that lady, he did the right thing.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Police Officer Read him his Rights!
Peter Griffin I'll do the Honours! Ahem, Eat my Ass, Pigs...
Police Officer [enacts a brutality]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Mom! Mommy! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mom!
Lois Griffin WHAT?
Stewie Griffin Hi!
[runs away giggling]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [Xmas Photo] Yes, from now on I shall be... a good boy!
[Creepy Smile]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Someone's left the Fridge Door open, that's irresponsible. I guess I'm going to find out what soda's like. Wow! That must be the Sugar! Oh, Rupert, I think I'm going to run, catch me!
[Giggles and runs in circles, then stops]
Stewie Griffin Ah, now I'm sad...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire Don't have kids, Joan, it's a big mistake!
[hangs up]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Igor Wait, you had the Secret to Creating Life, and you made a Guy?
Victor Frankenstein What, I should have made a woman and then had sex with a Corpse?
Igor I don't know, you just shouldn't have made a Guy!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire All I really know, is that I'm wearing a Shirt and Pants!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Mr Vanderploog Don't be sad, Peter! That's why it's called Shpoople!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Star Wars Rebel Fighter Why are you always mean to me in front of the other Rebels?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin So you just do anything Oprah says, now, right?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin You know, the last time I saw you, you were...
Olivia Burning in a Cardboard House.
Stewie Griffin Burning in a Cardboard House, yeah.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Frenchman Bonnie, if I were a skunk and you were a cat who had wandered into a building site, I would try to rape you. And it would be legal! Because this is France...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin 9/11 was bad! 9... 11!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Joe Swanson I hate to be the bearer of bad shoes but your sneaker is untied.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Guy humour, Meg! If you don't got a willy, you don't get the silly.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ms Scowly-Tightanus All our Husbands were Christmas Suicides.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Meg, you are what is known as "A Practice Girl".
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Sign The Helen Disingenuous Show
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin This is how women dance when they're High... .
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire All those biopics are the same! Unsupportive parents...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
European See and Say The Pig goes WANK! The Cow goes SHAZOO!
Stewie Griffin It most certainly does not!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
European See and Say The Elephant goes FWOMPF!
Stewie Griffin Yeah, kinda...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Travolta We have reached Cruising Altitude, so you may now take off your wigs and be gay.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Oh, I am so alone!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin [Phone] Oh hi, Bonnie! No I'm not doing anything, just sitting with the baby.
Stewie Griffin Fuck you, too!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Damn you, vile woman!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [as a Princess] This is great. I deserve this. When do you think the Queen's gonna die?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [Radio] Carlos Spicyweiner here?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Establishment, establishment, you always know what's best! Learn the rules!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Kevin Could you hold my phone and point it at me? I want to Livestream my Suicide.
Brian Griffin Sure. So as I was saying, Stewie, how can people be so myopic they don't see someone in need?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Teacher In short, your kids are doing fine. Keep reading to them every night.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Tumbling Class Parent Boys can be good at this until 9, then the whispers start.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Lois, is a President stronger than a King?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Growing one carrot, taking up time./ Filling up the days with nonsense./ Vodka in the bushes, hmm hmm hmm./ Making it better, making it bright./ What a day! Gonna go and check the mail.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Boy Your Mom seems nice.
Stewie Griffin She's a slag.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin I went to the Fancington's Academy for Insufferable Girls.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin [reading] And it turned out that the real Dianetics was the Friends we made along the way.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire [reading] And it turned out that the real Outliers were the Friends we made along the way.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin It's probably just the Pizza talking, but I love you guys.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stanley Tucci Sometimes I wear Glasses, and sometimes I don't!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin Yay! Now I can be one of those filthy teens with sad eyes at a Farmer's Market!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [Whispering behind Lois' back] When I grow up I'm just going to focus on my job and my family, you'll be nothing!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Meg Griffin Mum's Voodoo Doll? Throw! It's never worked anyway.
[Stabs it, Lois screams]
Meg Griffin Ooh, keep!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Chris, are you going to kill yourself? That would be a real black mark on my record as a Parent. I'd have to make up stories about a History of Mental Illness and Self Mutilation... I could do it.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck! Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck! Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck,
[a Canada Goose is staring at him]
Peter Griffin duck!
[Voiceover]
Peter Griffin What is that other word?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Wow, she's really all in on this decluttering!
Stewie Griffin Well she's trying to fill her empty life. Remember when she'd put a slice of lemon in a glass of water for a simple kind of pleasure?
Lois Griffin Perfection! Just the thing to wash down 6 Xanax from 4 different prescriptions! Ah! Tomorrow this'll seem like a new idea again.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Nothing worse than a case of the Neil Diamond Blue Balls, am I right?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Trica Takanowa I'm standing here in Boston Airport where some of the people who let the terrorists on the planes are still gainfully employed...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Father As we say in Ireland, let's drink until the Alcohol in our systems destroys our Livers and kills us!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin I'm yer other son, Micawber!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Damn you all!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Norwegians can't Dance!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Cleveland I have dibs on whatever silliness Peter loses interest in. Remember this? To the Clevelandcopter!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin I think I'm dying. Jane Fonda. Is that right?
Stewie Griffin Yeah, man, totally Jane Fonda.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Pee-Hole Skin Frontman Ungh! Feelings! Ungh! Feelings!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin I'm too good for this Family, they don't deserve me!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin [to self] You wanted to have a family, you wanted this life.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Ah, you bastard, you'll burn in hell!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin She's my Mother! We're supposed to be a Team!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin I like the Madness of King George.
Peter Griffin Well, I don't know what that is, but The Cat from Outer Space is a Solid Movie.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire What? Fat women need love too. But they gotta pay!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin Ah, hoist by my own petard...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [Farts into his Shazam App] It says Lana Del Ray.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Thanks for the ride, and your unsolicited racial theories!
Taxi Driver I'm telling you, it's the Turks every time!
Lois Griffin Merry Christmas!
Taxi Driver Ah hech mech alech!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [Pirate] Let us have our fill of bread and wine, and then speak of other times when we had our fill of bread and wine.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
School Choir [Silent Night] Die Hard... Die Hard... John McClane... And his Wife...
Chris Griffin Yippee-ki-ay Motherfuck-er! Yippee-ki-ay Motherfucker... .
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Is Unobtainium difficult to Obtain?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [Forrest Gump] Mama always said Life was like a Box of Good and Plenty, most people throw it away.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin [Biblical Times] You should go over and talk to her, and see if she can talk!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin And now for "The Great Gatsby", a book by the only respected man named "Scott".
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Security System What is the most unappealing Male Name?
Peter Griffin ...Keith.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin [Elton John's Co-writer] I'm not Gay, I'm British!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Well, I've watched every Youtube Video. And I have to say, not a bad one among 'em.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [He's Romeo. He makes the Universal Gesture for "My Heart Goes With You" as Juliet Leaves]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Joe Swanson After my accident the Doctor told me I'd be walking in three weeks.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire Can't we for once tell a joke that brings Glory to the Lord?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Danskafraulein I miss our Stolen Son in America. Do you think he remembers us?
Danskameister Wooden Shoe?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Andre the Giant [to Wallace Shawn, at Dinner] I have maybe Hours to Live and you're wasting them!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin I'm leaving, Rupert! I'm sorry, but the situation has become intolerable.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Doctor I don't like you, because you're poor.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin Thanks for listening.
Stewie Griffin I had no choice.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin Why are you sending me to Vocational School? Does this mean I'm a Failure?
Lois Griffin No, it means that we're Failures.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [Shatner Q&A] In the Episode where you Drowned your Wife, why are you so Fat?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin C'mon, I wanna show you something that'll cheer you up.
Chris Griffin If it's the scene from Psycho where you can see Anne Heche's Bunghole, I've already seen it!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin It's our Bookclub, Peter! Come join us!
Peter Griffin Oh, okay!
[Breaks his own neck and dies]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin We didn't get this pamphlet when Meg and Chris were getting Vaccinated!
Doctor Hartman That was before Internet Message Boards made everyone an Expert. It's a better World, now!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lois Griffin When you have something to hate, you have something to live for!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Carter Pewterschmidt Babs is in the Sanatorium. I told her I was leaving her, and she freaked out for no reason...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin [Whacked in the Genitals by a Japanese Lady holding a sliver of Bamboo] Ow! I don't know how the Horse moves!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Yes! We won the Lottery! I'm going to get me a Penis Butler!
Penis Butler Sir?
Peter Griffin Buttle my Penis! Buttle it!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Guard Hey Sarge, your wife called and said it was urgent.
Stewie Griffin [Wearing Sargent Pembry's Face] Oh, yeah?
Guard Yeah, she sounded very not happy and said to call her ASAP.
Stewie Griffin [Walking out] I think I did this guy a favour...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin As you know, it is my dream to retire at 45 and find a Cure for Ballzheimer's Disease.
Lois Griffin [Flashforward] Peter, are those Testicles? Where did you get those?
Peter Griffin [Bloody hands] I don't remember!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [Abandoned at the Playground] Well, this is it. I think I'm going to die here.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Peter Griffin Let's go and have however many beers it takes to forget how depressing that was.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
TV Announcer [Wrestling] This truly is a momentous day for whoever's keeping track of this nonsense!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Hmm, you could threaten me...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Chris Griffin [to Lois] That's the plan, but don't tell Mum or she'll bitch me out again!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire I used to bone that Volleyball.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin Her Womb was like one of those Hangers where they Reconstruct Crashed Aircraft.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Doctor Hartman I used to work here, you know!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Doctor Hartman Shut up! Be cool, be cool!
[Hides behind the Door. A cop peers in then leaves]
Doctor Hartman Alright, what's up guys?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Joe Swanson Pumpkin Spice! Sounds like a reject from a British Female Pop Band...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin What, you're just going to leave me here with all these ne'er do wells? Look at that fellow! When's he going to do well? Ne'er!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Glen Quagmire [British] Goobledy-goobledy glop!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [In a Beauty Pageant] Oh well, I guess I'm en route to a semen-soaked Death in the Basement!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Brian Griffin Me? I like the sauce...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Aimee Mann [Brian's at the Planetarium] One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do... Two can be as bad as one, it's the loneliest number since the number one...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Stewie Griffin [Gary Numan] Brian had sex! With a really dumb girl! Now he's taking his friend Stewie, to get some ice-cream, in his car!
[Music off]
Stewie Griffin Ah, you're a poor sport...
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Actors Who Said Iconic Phrases
Seth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane
Phil LaMarr
Phil LaMarr
Alex Borstein
Alex Borstein
Mila Kunis
Mila Kunis
Frank Welker
Frank Welker
James Woods
James Woods
Mike Henry
Mike Henry
Mike Henry
Patrick Warburton
Patrick Warburton
Patrick Duffy
Adam West
Joey Slotnick
Joey Slotnick
Seth Green
Seth Green
Jane Lynch
Jane Lynch
Tara Strong
Tara Strong
Norm Macdonald
Mark Hamill
Mark Hamill
Lori Alan
Lori Alan
Jennifer Tilly
Jennifer Tilly
Diane Robin
Rachael MacFarlane
Rachael MacFarlane
John O'Hurley
Tom Kenney
Tom Kenney
Peter Riegert
Peter Riegert
Lee Majors
Nicole Sullivan
Anthony Robbins
Will Ferrell
Will Ferrell
Carlos Alazraqui
Carlos Alazraqui
Randy Savage
David Lynch
David Lynch
Gary Cole
Gary Cole
Josh Robert Thompson
Estelle Harris
Adam Carolla
Alyssa Milano
Alyssa Milano
Lacey Chabert
Lacey Chabert
R. Lee Ermey
Cynthia Watros
Cynthia Watros
This website uses cookies. By continuing to use this website you are giving consent to cookies being used. Read more