Irresistible Movie Quotes
Diana Hastings
This system, the way we elect people, it's terrifying. And exhausting. And I think it's driving us all insane.
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Gary Zimmer
[calling in to his office]
I am telling you, he is the real deal! It is like a Bill Clinton with impulse control. Like a church-going Bernie Sanders with better bone density.
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Gary Zimmer
Look, whatever you think you saw tonight...
Faith Brewster
You didn't. You actually saw what I saw, and I think that the American people...
Gary Zimmer
Would agree with me...
Faith Brewster
As long as I say it repeatedly, doggedly...
Gary Zimmer
And with unearned confidence...
Faith Brewster
I lie...
Gary Zimmer
I am lying to you...
Faith Brewster
And you know I lie. I'm actually in this position because of how effectively I lie to you. Are we clear?
Gary Zimmer
We call this the spin room, without shame.
Faith Brewster
Spinning is something you do to disorient people.
Gary Zimmer
And you all know that, and yet, here we are.
Faith Brewster
What a wonderful play we're putting on.
Gary Zimmer
Thank you so much. And fuck you America.
Faith Brewster
I look forward to lying to you in the future...
[reporters shouting questions after in follow up]
Gary Zimmer
See you at the bar.
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Faith Brewster
I bet she smells like Pop Tarts.
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Gary Zimmer
Did I happen to mention that he is a veteran of the United States Marine Corps?
Kurt
Kurt, Gary's Assistant, Meeting Attendees: Yes.
Gary Zimmer
And a farmer.
Kurt
Kurt, Gary's Assistant, Meeting Attendees: Um... you did. I believe so.
Gary Zimmer
And did I happen to mention that he's a widower?
Kurt
Kurt, Gary's Assistant, Meeting Attendees: Impressive. All right. Well done.
Gary Zimmer
A man who makes Joe the Plumber look like Dukakis in mom jeans and a fucking Easter bonnet... in the reddest of counties in the great now swing state of Wisconsin.
Kurt
Kurt, Gary's Assistant, Meeting Attendees: Mm-hmm.
Gary Zimmer
Is... a Democrat.
Kurt
Uh... he's a Democrat?
Gary Zimmer
Yeah. He just doesn't know it yet.
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Gary Zimmer
Richard and Ginnie Peeler are hosting. He's a hedge fund swell.
[smile creases Jack's face]
Gary Zimmer
She's been saving the Hudson for about 25 years.
Jack Hastings
Richard Peeler.
Gary Zimmer
Yeah?
Jack Hastings
Got it.
Gary Zimmer
Are you, like, 12?
[both chuckle]
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Stewart, Jon
Could something like this happen?
Trevor Potter
Legally, this could absolutely happen. Somebody could create a political organization... so-called outside group, a super PAC, 527... raise an unlimited amount of money, and then choose to give that money to another organization, a charity, and use it for public purposes. And you don't need the donors' consent to do that.
Trevor Potter
The problem we have is that none of the pieces of the system are working today. You have regulators like the Federal Election Commission that don't have a quorum, can't meet, and when they do, they disagree on what the law is. You have Congress deadlocked so it can't rewrite the laws. You have the Supreme Court that thinks that almost nothing is corrupt and that citizens won't think the sale of access, what the court calls ingratiation in return for giving money to candidates, is a problem.
Stewart, Jon
So, to sum up, we currently have hundreds of millions to billions of dollars that is... uh... uh... untraceable, uh... that can pour into groups that are actually coordinating with... with candidates who end up having to spend a good amount of their time raising more and more money to keep up with the arms race that is occurring. Uh... the money continues to pour in and corrupt not just where they spend their time and how they spend their time, but on the types of legislation that they would even bring to the fore. And the one group that would be charged with regulating, uh... this spigot, uh... doesn't meet 'cause there aren't enough of them.
Trevor Potter
Yes.
[incredulous laughter]
Trevor Potter
I realize that's not helpful to you, but...
Stewart, Jon
It is very helpful. Thank you.
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Jack Hastings
I'm just very impressed with all this. You... you do the polling.
Kurt
Uh-huh. In fact...
Gary Zimmer
There it is.
Diana Hastings
What is that?
Gary Zimmer
No, who is that? Elton Chambers.
Diana Hastings
The Rocket Man?
Gary Zimmer
The billionaire Rocket Man, yes.
Kurt
Jesus Chr... I thought he was dead.
Tina
Well, he is dead.
Gary Zimmer
No, no, no. A series of micro-strokes. It's all good.
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Gary's Assistant
Um, it's a two-hour flight, but you'll gain an hour when you get there.
Gary Zimmer
What is that?
Gary's Assistant
The 7 Series. It was the closest thing they had to your Tesla, but...
Gary Zimmer
Just take a Sharpie, and write "liberal city douchebag" on my forehead, okay? Come on, guys.
Gary's Assistant
Yeah. Um, Accord?
Gary Zimmer
I'm traveling to America. Explorer, neutral color. And pack me like a conference.
Gary's Assistant
Davos? TED?
Gary Zimmer
Aspen, weekend package. Thank you.
Gary's Assistant
Gary's Assistant, Gary's Assistant: Great.
Gary Zimmer
Oh, and, guys, you know what? Keep it simple. Simple. No frills. Thank you.
Gary's Assistant
Got it.
Gary's Assistant
Sure. Great.
Gary Zimmer
Although, if the Explorer has a... a Bose or a Bang & Olufsen sound package, if they have it... it'd be good.
Gary's Assistant
Great.
Gary's Assistant
Gotcha.
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Gary Zimmer
Okay.
[lifts phone receiver]
Dave Vanelton
Everything all right?
Gary Zimmer
Uh, hel... Yes? Hello?
Dave Vanelton
It's Dave.
Gary Zimmer
Yes?
Dave Vanelton
From the Hofbrau House.
Gary Zimmer
From downstairs?
Dave Vanelton
Yes.
Gary Zimmer
O... okay.
Dave Vanelton
Everything all right?
Gary Zimmer
Mm... yeah, I was just looking for a Wi-Fi password.
Dave Vanelton
Good luck.
Gary Zimmer
Case-sensitive?
Dave Vanelton
No, good luck getting Wi-Fi. You're better off using your phone.
Gary Zimmer
Okay.
Dave Vanelton
Okay.
Gary Zimmer
All right, very good. Thank you.
Dave Vanelton
Sure.
Gary Zimmer
*Goodbye*.
Dave Vanelton
Night, Gar.
[Gary hangs up and sighs]
Dave Vanelton
[Gary lifts the receiver]
Everything all right?
[Gary hangs up and chuckles]
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Gary Zimmer
Faith.
Faith Brewster
Gary.
Gary Zimmer
You seem to be doing a brisk business. Deerlaken: always. So, apparently, Deerlaken über alles was copyrighted?
Faith Brewster
Well, we were gonna go with I'm with him until we remembered how fucking stupid it sounded.
Gary Zimmer
No, no, no, no. I love it. I love the whole town genealogy angle. It's got a real bold you ain't from around here flavor.
[Faith chuckles]
Gary Zimmer
With subtle notes of, uh, xenophobia.
[Faith chuckles again]
Gary Zimmer
Not to mention the cognitive dissonance that your booth is basically a love letter to immigration.
Faith Brewster
That's a great observation. So all these people are hypocrites? I'd run with that.
Gary Zimmer
All you have is fear.
Faith Brewster
Now we're getting somewhere.
[Gary chuckles]
Faith Brewster
20 bucks says I do better with fear than you do with shame.
Gary Zimmer
Oh.
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Mr. Peeler
You know, our politics seem broken. Colonel, what do you see is the system's greatest weakness?
Jack Hastings
Hmm, well, I guess, for one thing, this. Here, tonight. And I mean
[inhales]
Jack Hastings
no disrespect. I just think this seems a bit crazy. I want to help my town. I want to be mayor, some town in the middle of Wisconsin. So, instead of being home working on some smart things to help my town, I have to fly here to your town and convince you that my town's worth saving. And
[inhales]
Jack Hastings
that I'm worth it. And that saving it is worth it to you. All so you can give me some money. Not for my town, but for me. To help convince my town that I'm worth it. I mean...
[inhales]
Jack Hastings
I don't know, it just sounds so stupid.
[sighs]
Jack Hastings
I saw.
Gary Zimmer
They ate it up. We could've named our price.
[giddy]
Gary Zimmer
Oh, no way Faith matches.
Jack Hastings
And why is that, now?
Gary Zimmer
Oh. Because they're spending to stop something, and we're spending to start something.
Jack Hastings
Hmm.
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Gary Zimmer
You know Kurt Lehman, polling and modeling.
Jack Hastings
Yes. Hi.
Kurt
Hi.
Gary Zimmer
He gives us a window into the electorate.
Diana Hastings
Hi.
Kurt
How are you?
Gary Zimmer
Best in the business. When everyone was predicting Hillary in a landslide over Trump, Kurt was the one guy who had her just barely beating him.
Kurt
My models just picked up the trend lines, so...
Gary Zimmer
If the election had taken place a month or two later...
Kurt
My numbers would've been 100% on the money.
Gary Zimmer
Mm-hmm.
Diana Hastings
Wow. Impressive.
Kurt
Well...
Tina
Well, he was the least wrong.
Gary Zimmer
Tina Kuryev, analytics. She gives us a window into the voters.
Tina
Good to meet you, sir.
Diana Hastings
Oh. I thought, uh, polling did that.
Kurt
It does.
Tina
Well, he tells you how he thinks they feel. I tell you how they really feel.
[pause]
Tina
People are liars.
Kurt
Here we go.
Tina
He can tell you how often people say they go to church.
Gary Zimmer
She can tell you if they actually go.
Tina
I can tell you if God is in their hearts.
Gary Zimmer
Tina's in online analytics.
Kurt
Hey, can I just say... we take deception into account, too, okay? Yeah, polling is an art form, but, you know, there's plenty of science to back it up.
Tina
Says the guy still calling landlines. People tell computers the truth, right? Their desires, their prejudices. Every search, every transaction... it's an unguarded private moment. So there's no, uh, margin of error, you know? The digital footprint is your true self.
Diana Hastings
But, surely, people are more complicated than their online transactions.
Tina
Well, says the woman with three cats and an intense search history of the herpes virus.
Tina
Law enforcement or in the eyes of God?
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Father Heuvel
What a clusterfuck.
Dot
Amen.
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Mayor Braun
Come on in.
Diana Hastings
Thank you. I'm so sorry. I... I'm pulling the plug.
Mayor Braun
Hey, hey.
Diana Hastings
I mean, we have the money we need. We have more than we would need. And this would... destroy your brother.
[inhales deeply]
Diana Hastings
And I'm just so sorry.
Mayor Braun
Hey. You have nothing to be sorry for. You saved us, Diana.
Mayor Braun
This place was done. Just another town in the middle of nowhere, going nowhere. And everyone agreed... yours was the best idea we had. Unless you want to go back to the two Mikes' idea of... ostrich meat farms. Diana, you moving back here, caring so much... I mean, this whole thing...
[sighs]
Mayor Braun
Well, I just know how proud of you your dad is and how proud your mom would be. And how grateful every single one of us are for what you've done and everything you've given. It's working.
Diana Hastings
Okay.
[sighs]
Diana Hastings
What do we do about Gary?
Mayor Braun
Whatever Gary thinks he's got, why don't we just give him something better?
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Gary Zimmer
Who here has been chosen as 527s? Raise your hands, please. One, two, three, four. Good. You all run super PACs now. You are no longer associated with this campaign. And as such, it is time to move to your super PAC location, which is all the way at the back of the room, far, far away from the activity of the campaign.
Becca
Right now?
Gary Zimmer
I am not at liberty to say. The campaign cannot coordinate with the super PAC.
Becca
So...
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Gary Zimmer
There are two million rural votes in these states alone. If we lost them 2.7 to one instead of three to one, we'd win, but we didn't even try.
DNC Staffer
[dismissive tone] Their base turned out. Ours didn't. If we find a candidate to activate our base... if our African Americans and
[accent emphasized]
DNC Staffer
Latino communities...
DNC Staffer
It's just Latino.
DNC Staffer
show up, we win.
Gary Zimmer
We have to get the rural voters back into the tent, even just a little bit.
DNC Staffer
Well, if it's all the same to you, I'll stick with pandering to our special-interest groups, thank you very much.
DNC Staffer
DNC Staffer, DNC Staffer: Si, se puede. Si, se puede. Si, se...
DNC Staffer
I like the idea of expanding our base. Not taking any voter for granted.
[looks at the dismissive staffer]
DNC Staffer
[tone changes] It does have some merit.
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Gary Zimmer
Gentlemen... this square-jawed paragon of Americana is our goddamn key back into the forbidden city.
Kurt
Well, that's my stop.
Gary Zimmer
Sit. Kurt, sit.
Kurt
Call me when he gets to the point.
Gary Zimmer
Nope. You're not going anywhere. No, sit. And we have Alan to thank for bringing this man to our attention.
Evan
It's Evan.
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Gary Zimmer
I was just finishing up these pamphlets on immigration.
Diana Hastings
Ooh. That sounds complicated. I hope the small minds can manage.
Gary Zimmer
I'm sorry about that. Sometimes, messaging for the base doesn't resonate with the broader electorate.
Diana Hastings
Oh, okay. So, to flatter them, you have to condescend to us. I get it.
Gary Zimmer
Uh, no, no, that wasn't... that wasn't what...
[protracted pause]
Gary Zimmer
Sorry.
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Faith Brewster
Now, can we just all go back to Washington and forget that we ever made camp in a place where the shit you skim off milk is considered a food?
Gary Zimmer
They are called cheese curds, and they are delicious.
Faith Brewster
They're disgusting.
Gary Zimmer
And you can't make poutine without them.
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Gary Zimmer
So you used me.
Diana Hastings
We used you? You guys only show up here once every four years, and only then 'cause it's a swing state. And then, when it's over, you're gone. But we're still here with all the same problems we had before, just waiting around for you to come back and make the same empty promises as last time. We used the system. You make millions of dollars funneling tens of millions of dollars into this election economy. All we did is take a cut.
Gary Zimmer
Hmm. Well... I guess I just... I thought that maybe you and I had a little something.
[chuckles]
Diana Hastings
in what world would this... be okay?
Gary Zimmer
D.C. and L.A., parts of New York, Miami, maybe Dallas.
Gary Zimmer
Mm.
[chuckles]
Gary Zimmer
Look... it wasn't personal.
Gary Zimmer
Mm.
Diana Hastings
It was math.
Gary Zimmer
Math.
Diana Hastings
But this system, the way we elect people, it's terrifying. And exhausting. And I think it's driving us all insane.
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Gary Zimmer
So, um, we can't win. The people in this town are pretty set in their ways. And we lost the eight nuns. That wasn't good. So, we can't win.
Jack Hastings
Uh... y-you know, we appreciate all you done. I mean, the campaign and, uh... I'm just sorry we let you down, but...
[relieved]
Jack Hastings
well, all I can say is thank you.
Diana Hastings
Really, Gary, thank you for everything.
Jack Hastings
It was a hell of a ride.
[Jack and Diana laugh]
Gary Zimmer
Are... you shitting me? All I have to say is we can't win, and you're... you're through, you're out.
Diana Hastings
You said we can't win.
Gary Zimmer
Unless. We can't win unless... You didn't let me finish. We can't win unless it turns out that this town isn't the Mayberry everybody thinks it is. I just got a little piece of intel that's kind of intriguing. So, the mayor's brother Ziggy,
[Jack steps back]
Gary Zimmer
he had an Oxy problem.
Jack Hastings
Well, he was a roofer and got hurt on the job.
Gary Zimmer
Yes, well, what you might not know is that the mayor pulled some strings, kept him out of jail, got him into rehab. That is abuse of power, nepotism. Probably some clerical shit in there.
Diana Hastings
When they go low...
Gary Zimmer
We go high.
Diana Hastings
Unless we also need to go low, apparently.
[chuckles incredulously]
Gary Zimmer
Only to keep those who would go lower out of power.
Diana Hastings
So, when they go low, we go higher, incrementally, in relation to how low they went.
Gary Zimmer
Regrettably, yes.
Diana Hastings
When they go low, we go almost as low, but we feel worse doing it.
Gary Zimmer
You think they thought twice about making your dad look like a PTS nutcase? And I'm going low because I'm gonna tell the truth about the mayor?
Jack Hastings
His brother's fragile, Gary.
Gary Zimmer
This town is fragile. The whole area is fragile. Our democracy.
Gary Zimmer
I'm sorry... I really am... but sometimes good people have to do shitty things in service of the greater good. Isn't that right, Colonel?
[exits]
Diana Hastings
Hey.
[follows Gary]
Diana Hastings
Hey.
Gary Zimmer
Yeah?
Diana Hastings
Gary, stop.
Gary Zimmer
What? Is this politics?
Gary Zimmer
It's not politics anymore, Diana. It's... it's math. That's what an election is. It's just math. We need what they get plus one. That's all. And if I can't get that by getting more people to vote for your dad, then I have to get fewer people to vote for Braun.
[sighs and exits]
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Candy Crowley
Jack Hastings, Deerlaken... did the media fall for a false narrative just because it fit into our preconceived notion of the divide of this country between red and blue without actually checking the facts? Were we irresponsible?
MSNBC Anchor
Well, we're the news. Are we not supposed to cover the news?
The Anchors Brooke
I mean, these are newsworthy stories. We're absolutely in the right to cover them.
MSNBC Reporter
It is literally our job to cover the news.
Candy Crowley
But isn't there a way to report the news without so much speculation, without a false sense of urgency that causes us to breathlessly report "facts" that maybe are not facts? And are we framing these stories on an artificial right-left axis because that's how our pundit economy is set up? Is there a better way to do this?
[protracted pause]
Candy Crowley
I'm just kidding. Unfortunately, we have to leave it there.
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Mayor Braun
Jack, I already told you, you can widen that easement on Hamburg...
Jack Hastings
Um, actually, it's about that resolution you're thinking about passing.
Mayor Braun
With all due respect, Colonel, that discussion has ended.
Jack Hastings
Yeah, yeah. So I heard. But, uh... the thing is that, um... it's a bad idea.
Big Mike
Y... you can't... Uh, okay, well, I already seconded, but whatever.
Jack Hastings
I know we're in a bad spot, but... you can't bring it back by throwing these people under the bus.
Mayor Braun
Whoa, we're not throwing anybody under anything, Jack.
[scoffs]
Mayor Braun
Money was tight when the base was still open, but now... I mean, we just got to be smart. We got to eliminate cheating the programs.
Jack Hastings
There's not a damn soul using those programs that doesn't need 'em, and you know it.
Mayor Braun
And all they need to do is produce the acceptable I.D., and the benefits will be...
Jack Hastings
And you know they can't do that.
Mayor Braun
Well...
[scoffs]
Mayor Braun
I don't make the rules, Jack.
[all eyes look at the Mayor]
Mayor Braun
I mean, I do, I guess. Not by myself, but... this is over.
[Jack turns and begins to exit]
Mayor Braun
Okay, we have a motion that has been seconded. It is time to bring it to a vote.
Jack Hastings
[Jack turns about-face and returns]
Uh, you know, uh, just curious... you know, when the river backed up and the folks you think might be cheating stood shoulder to shoulder with us stuffing sandbags for three days straight, ended up saving your store, you check their I.D.'s then?
Mayor Braun
Discussion's closed, Jack!
Jack Hastings
You checking I.D.'s when they're bringing food to the church
[Mayor bangs gavel]
Jack Hastings
potlucks, Walt?
Mayor Braun
Enough, Jack. You had your say.
[sighs]
Mayor Braun
Look, we got rules here, but that don't make us bad people.
Jack Hastings
I'm not saying you're a bad person, Billy. I'm saying you're scared. Hell, we all are. Damn town went from 15,000 to five overnight, and business went with it. We're not bringing it back by... by turning on each other. Corps taught me the chain's only as strong as its weakest link. And Father Heuvel here taught me that I am my brother's keeper.
[...]
Jack Hastings
Whatever you do for the least of us, you do for the Lord.
[...]
Jack Hastings
The point is, it's easy to be strong of character in the good times. The test is the bad times. If you can't live your principles then, well... I guess they aren't principles; they're just hobbies.
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Gary Zimmer
Yeah, well, you got to make it happen, or you got to find me some more fucking Hispanics.
[raises his voice]
Gary Zimmer
Where are my fucking Hispanics? I need some more fucking Hispanics, Kurt!
[steps away and in normal voice]
Gary Zimmer
Hey, everybody. Listen. I am profoundly disappointed in the comments that I just made. My words and/or actions do not represent who I am as a person and...
Gary Zimmer
It is a teachable moment. It's something I think we can all learn from. And in that way, I feel like I have given you a gift.
[landline rings]
Ann
[quietly]
You have my heart.
Gary Zimmer
And from this moment on, I vow to make this office
[landline rings]
Gary Zimmer
a color- and gender-neutral work environment.
[landline rings]
Gary Zimmer
That is my... Are you gonna get that? Ringing off the fucking hook.
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Big Mike
You know what the real problem here is that the media is completely complicit in this sort of thing.
Little Mike
Oh, I absolutely agree. I mean, it's like Neil Postman said... in entertaining ourselves, news has become entertainment.
Big Mike
Yeah. Yeah.
Little Mike
And when that happens... it's gone.
Big Mike
Yeah.
Little Mike
[...]
It metastasizes, so it... it's growing and... and whatever, so...
Big Mike
Yeah. Well, it becomes... it's sort of like any sort of autoimmune disorder.
Little Mike
Yeah.
Big Mike
It's like... it's like lupus. Know what I mean?
Little Mike
That's actually a really great metaphor. That's... that's like...
Big Mike
It's a simile.
Little Mike
'Cause you said...
Big Mike
'Cause I said... I said it's like.
Little Mike
[realizes]
You said it's like.
Big Mike
Yeah, right. It's like lupus.
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