Ted Movie Quotes
Narrator
Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Frank
You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public.
Ted
I fucked her with a parsnip last week. And a sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.
Frank
That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.
Ted
You got a lot of problems, don't ya?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
1
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[from trailer]
Ted
I met a girl; she's a cashier.
John
No way! That's awesome! We should fuckin' double date or something, you, me and Lori and w-what's her name?
Ted
White trash name. Guess.
John
Mandy.
Ted
Nope.
John
Marilyn.
Ted
Nope.
John
Brittany?
Ted
Nope.
John
Tiffany.
Ted
Nope.
John
Candace.
Ted
Nope.
John
Don't fuck with me on this! I know this shit!
Ted
Do you see me fuckin' with you? I'm completely serious.
John
Alright, speed round. I'm gonna rattle off some names, and when I hit it, you fuckin' buzz it, okay? You got me?
Ted
You do it. I will tell you. Yeah.
John
Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fuckin' *Becky*?
Ted
No.
John
Wait; was it any of those names with a "Lynn" after it?
Ted
*Yes*.
John
Oh, I got you, motherfucker! I got you!
[Ted laughs]
John
Okay. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn...
Ted
Tami-Lynn.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted
Oh look Johnny, if we're ever gonna get serious about openin' a restaurant we gotta start plannin' it now.
John
Italian.
Ted
Italian, yes.
John
What's the special on Tuesdays?
Ted
Eggplant parm.
John
Chopped salad half price.
Ted
And it's a non-restricted place.
John
Yeah. Wait, whaddaya mean?
Ted
Anybody can come.
John
Of course.
Ted
Jews are welcome.
John
Well yeah, I mean why wouldn't they be?
Ted
Exactly, that's what I'm saying.
John
Yeah, but why even bring that up?
Ted
You don't bring it up. You just let 'em in.
John
So why mention it?
Ted
No one will.
John
So why are we talking about it?
Ted
You're talkin' about it, I'm just sayin' let 'em in.
John
Yeah, let 'em in.
Ted
Exactly.
John
Right.
Ted
Good.
John
Okay.
Ted
No Mexicans, though.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[from trailer]
[thunder is heard outside]
Lori
I don't - I don't understand. I really don't. You're 35 years old and you're still scared of a little thunder?
John
I am not!
[Ted comes running into the bed]
Ted
Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
John
Fucking right.
Ted
Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song.
John
Alright.
John
John, Ted: [singing] When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / "Fuck you, thunder! / You can suck my dick! / You can't get me thunder / 'Cause you're just God's farts!"
[blow raspberries]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Narrator
No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
John
We have been dating for four years tomorrow.
Ted
Fuck me! Nice!
John
Let me ask you something. You don't think she's gonna be expecting something big, do you?
Ted
What? Like anal?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted
Lori, hey, you're home early.
Lori
What the hell is this?
Ted
The ladies and I were just watching Jack and Jill, where Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister, and it's, it's just awful. It's unwatchable, but y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.
Lori
This place is a wreck! Who are these girls?
Ted
Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!
Ted
Wha- what is what?
Lori
There's a... a shit on my floor! In the corner, there is a shit!
Ted
Oh, yeah, Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare, and, uh, Charene was pretty ballsy.
Lori
There is a shit on my floor!
Ted
Well, or, or, is the floor on the shit? Is what Kierkegaard would say.
Ted
Hahaha!
John
Who lives here? I'm comin' to get who lives here! You owe me lobster money!
Ted
Ahahaha! That's my buddy Johnny. Not the lobster, the guy runnin' it.
[John suddenly looks down on the floor]
John
Is that a shit?
[Lori looks at John]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Frank
You think you got what it takes?
Ted
I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's pussy on my breath.
Frank
Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
Ted
That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.
Frank
You're hired.
Ted
Shit.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
John
[Imitating Ted]
Hey Johnny, I just had a great idea. Let's go get drunk and puke on cars on the overpass.
Ted
Oh, come on! I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lori
Can I give you a ride home?
John
No thanks, I'll walk. I might get raped but if I do I'll know it's my fault because of what I'm wearing.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted
Oh hey listen, try this, I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that.
[Ted passes a bong to John]
Ted
.
John
What is this?
Ted
It's called "Mind Rape", it's actually pretty mellow.
John
It doesn't sound very mellow.
Ted
Well he only had three other batches: "Gorilla Panic", "They're coming! They're coming!" and something called "This Is Permanent"... Go on, spark it up!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
John
Ted!
Ted
I'm alive, Johnny!
John
Oh, my God!
Ted
I'm alive. Your magical wish worked!
John
You're back!
Ted
Yeah, I mean, when you sewed me up you put some of the stuffing in the wrong places, so I'm a little fucked up. But will you take care of me forever and ever?
[starts laughing]
Ted
I'm just kidding you. I thought it would be funny if you thought I was fucking retarded.
John
You asshole!
Ted
Come here, you bastard. Ha-ha! Ah!
Lori
Welcome back, Ted.
John
It was you. You did it.
Ted
Son of a bitch! You wished for my life back.
Lori
No. No, no. I wished for my life back.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
John
Can you call my cellphone?
Lori
Yeah
[Lori calls John's phone which plays "The Imperial March"]
Lori
Is that my ringtone? What is that? Cause it sounds really negative.
John
No. I-it's from The Notebook
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[last lines as Ted and Sam Jones do a "flash jump" after John and Lori's wedding]
Narrator
And that's the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three very special friends.
[footage of Ted and Tami-Lynn on their double date with John and Lori]
Narrator
Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite some time. One afternoon, Ted was caught behind the deli counter eating potato salad off of Tami- Lynn's bare bottom. He was instantly promoted to store manager.
[footage of Sam Jones walking toward John at Ted's party]
Narrator
Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood with the goal of restarting his film career. He currently resides in Burbank where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate, Brandon Routh.
[photo of Brandon Routh as Superman from "Superman Returns"]
Narrator
Remember Brandon Routh from that God-awful "Superman" movie? Jesus Christ! Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us.
[footage of Rex at the office]
Narrator
Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori. Not long afterward, he fell into a deep depression and died of Lou Gehrig's disease.
[footage of Donny dancing in his living room]
Narrator
Donny was arrested by Boston police and charged with kidnapping a plush toy. The charges were dropped when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded.
[footage of Robert in his bedroom]
Narrator
Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become...
[photo of Taylor Lautner]
Narrator
Taylor Lautner.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Ted drives John's car out of the car rental lot, nearly hitting another car in front of him]
Driver
Asshole!
Ted
That's my bad, I was sending a Tweet.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Norah Jones is in her dressing room preparing a drink when Ted and John arrive]
Ted
Hey, play 'Chopsticks', you jazzy slut!
Norah Jones
Teddy!
Ted
Hahaha! How are you?
Ted
Well, you know I'm not a hot half-Muslim chick who sold over 37 million records, but I'm hanging in there.
Norah Jones
Well, half-Indian, but... thanks.
Ted
Hey, whatever. Thanks for 9/11. Hey listen - I want you to meet a good pal of mine, all right? John Bennett, Norah Jones.
Norah Jones
Hey. Hey there, sweaty.
[wipes hand on her dress]
Norah Jones
Um, you ready to bring down the house?
John
Yes, ma'am. Yeah, thank you for the opportunity. Miss... Ma'am Jones, I... thank you.
Ted
Jesus, you look fantastic.
Norah Jones
Well, you're probably not used to seeing me fully clothed.
Ted
[laughs]
Yeah, I know, right? You mean... me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at Belinda Carlisle's house. And we had awkward fuzzy sex in the coat room.
Norah Jones
Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis.
Ted
Yeah, you know, I've written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted
There. Proof. Garfield's eye look like a pair of tits.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted
All right, kid, you win. We'll do it your way. What do you want to do? You want to play a game? It's playtime, right? We'll play a game.
Robert
Yeah, I want to play a game.
Ted
Good, good. Uh, all right. Let's see. How about... How about we play a little game of hide and seek?
Robert
I love hide and seek. I'll hide.
Ted
Wait now, hang on a sec, there. Your dad likes you to show good manners. Right, Tubby McFat-Fuck?
Robert
Okay, you hide first.
Ted
Great. Fantastic. Okay, now you count to a hundred, and then you try to find me, okay?
Robert
Okay. Uh, do I need to wash my hands before I play this game?
Ted
No. That's a weird fucking question. No, just start counting.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Johnny Carson
Hello, Teddy.
[shakes Ted's hand and chuckles]
Johnny Carson
You... you are a... You surprise me. I... For some reason I thought you were going to be taller.
Young Ted
I thought you were going to be funnier.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted Danson
Woody Harrelson. Smallest dick I've ever seen on a man.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Robert
You can't have my Teddy bear!
[Charges John and Lori at full speed. John punches him in the nose, knocking him unconscious to the ground]
Lori
Jesus!
John
I'm sorry, but somebody had to go all Joan Crawford on his ass!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
1
Ted
Company's turning 20, huh? So you can bang it, but you can't get it drunk.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
1
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
John
I think back to that Christmas morning and I wish I'd just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.
Ted
Say that again.
John
Teddy Rux-fuckin'-pin
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
1
Tom Skerritt
My daughter better still be alive you sick son of a bitch.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Sam J. Jones
Death to Ming!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Donny
Excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you, but uh, my-my son and I couldn't help but admire your teddy bear.
John
Oh. Oh, thank you.
Ted
Thanks.
Donny
Yeah. I-I'm Donny, this is Robert. I, uh... I have to say, I've been following you ever since I was a young boy and, uh... and I remember seeing you on the Carson show. You were just wonderful.
Ted
Oh, yeah, that was uh... that was a weird interview. Ed thought I was ALF, and he kept muttering anti-Semitic comments.
Donny
Hey-hey um...
Ted
He thought ALF was Jewish for some reason.
Donny
Have you ever considered selling the bear?
John
What?
Ted
Excuse me?
Robert
I want it.
John
[stammers and stands up while speaking in a calm tone]
I'm sorry, little guy, but my bear isn't for sale. See, I've- I've had him since I was about your age. He's very, very special to me.
Robert
Stand up straight when you're talking to me.
John
Why the fuck would he say that?
Donny
Sorry, you know, you really shouldn't swear in front of children. Uh... Look, we're very interested in the bear. If- if you want to make some sort of arrangement, here's my address and phone number. And uh... you can call me any time, okay?
John
Will do. Look. Here it goes, in the really important pocket for really important stuff. Okay? Okay.
Donny
Okay.
John
See you later.
Donny
Hey. Come on, Robert.
Ted
Take it easy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Sam J. Jones
We are gonna party like the '80s.
Ted
Show us how, Flash.
Sam J. Jones
It's easy. We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.
Ted
Oh Johnny, I got so much energy. We gotta start doing stupid shit.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
John
I don't know that you wanna go to a drug dealer with complaints.
Ted
No. I know this guy a long time. I've known him since 9-11. You remember? I was, like, "Oh, shit, 9-11, I gotta get high."
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[from trailer]
John
No, you don't, you look dapper.
Ted
John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted
Hey Lori, can you turn the alarm to 11 AM? I've got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted
You can sing any 90's song with just vowels.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lori
So, Tami-Lynn, why don't you... tell us a little bit about yourself, like where you're from? I'm always fascinated to meet Ted's girlfriends.
Tami-Lynn
What do you mean, 'girlfriends'?
[Looking at Ted]
Tami-Lynn
What's it, like a lot of 'em or somethin'?
Ted
N-no, that's not what she meant at all. Right, Lori? You didn't mean that.
Lori
No, what I meant to say was Ted's very handsome, so I'm always interested in meeting the ladies that can snatch him up.
Tami-Lynn
You just worry about your own snatch. How about that, honey?
Ted
Ted, John: Whoa!
John
What the hell happened? We're having a friendly meal.
Ted
Yeah, this was a nice evening.
Tami-Lynn
Don't talk shit to me.
Lori
I just asked you a question.
Tami-Lynn
You know, you're a frickin' snob. You think you're all cool, 'cause you work at some fuckin' fancy shit place? Whatever.
Ted
Take it easy.
[Looks at Lori]
Ted
Nice, Lori. Real nice.
Lori
Me? It's not my fault she can't speak English.
Tami-Lynn
[Gets up]
Oh fuck you! Just 'cause you're on the business world and shit, you think what, everybody should suck your asshole or somethin'?
Ted
[Grabs Tami-Lynn's hand to calm her down]
Okay, all right. Tami-Lynn, come on, honey. Let's get out of here. We'll go back to my place for a couple of Vodka and Strawberry Quiks, all right? Come on.
Tami-Lynn
You know what? I gave birth once, bitch! I can kick your fuckin' ass! And you better never should you show your face around Quincy, you hear me? Ever!
Ted
Okay, okay, come on. Come on.
[Ted and Tami-Lynn walk out of the restaurant]
Ted
I didn't know you had a baby. Is it alive?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted
Look, all I'm saying is that Boston women are, on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life.
John
That's bullshit. What about Lori? She's hot.
Ted
No, Lori's from Pennsylvania. That's not a Boston girl.
John
They're not that bad.
Ted
See, the fact that you have to say "they're not that bad" means that they are that bad. Did you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm?
[in exaggerated Bostonian]
Ted
"Oh, yah! Oh, yah! Hahder! Hahder! Oh, god, that was so good. Now I'm going to stuff my fucking face with Pepperidge Farm."
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
John
Plus! A hooker took a shit in our apartment!
[Flashback to earlier]
Lori
OH GOD!
John
WHAT?
Lori
This is so gross!
John
Did you get it yet?
Lori
NO! I didn't get it yet!
John
Tell me when you get it!
Lori
OH MY GOD! I got some of it on my thumb!
John
NO! You will never be able to cook with that thumb again!
Lori
OH MY GOD! This is the most disgusting thing ever!
John
NO! Get it away from me!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Donny is pursuing Ted up the tower of Fenway Park, trying to grab him]
Donny
You're mine, Ted!
Ted
Screw you, pal. I belong to John Bennett.
Donny
But I can give you love, and rocking horses, and dancing.
Ted
I think we're very far apart on this.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[John gets a phone call from Ted]
John
Excuse me.
[Walks out of the bar as he answers his phone]
John
Hey, Ted.
Ted
Johnny, where are you? You gotta get over here, man!
John
Why? What's going on?
Ted
Okay, so I'm having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment, and John, Sam Jones is here.
John
What?
Ted
Sam Jones, Flash Fucking Gordon is here.
John
Holy shit! What?
Ted
You remember I said my buddy's cousin is friends with Sam Jones? My buddy's in town with his cousin. And who do you think is with him? Sam Jones. Sam Jones is here. And John, his hair is parted down the middle.
John
Just like in the movie.
Ted
Yes. Get over here, right now.
Ted
John, Flash Gordon was the most important figure of our formative years. He taught us right from wrong, good from evil. And that the word 'acting' apparently has an extremely broad definition. Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John. Come share this with me.
[John runs back to the bar]
John
Rex, I gotta go. Look, I'll be back in like 30 minutes, tops, okay? But Lori cannot find out. She absolutely cannot know I was gone. If you can cover for me, I'm cool with all that other shit.
Rex
I got your back on this. She won't know. I've been there.
John
Alright, this is one man to another. I don't really know you, but I'm trusting you as a man. This is serious.
Rex
Dude, one man to another, I got you on this.
John
Thank you. I'll be back.
[John runs out to Lori's car]
Rex
I'm gonna have sex with your girlfriend.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Norah Jones returns to the stage after an intermission]
Norah Jones
Thank you. So I'm gonna give my chops a rest and bring a friend up to the stage. He's gonna sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much. Please, give a big hand... to John Bennett!
[John enters the stage and waves at the crowd]
Lori
Oh... my God.
Rex
Holy... shit.
[John attempts to shake Norah's hand, but she smacks his bottom on her way toward the piano. John approaches the microphone]
Ted
I gotta fuck her again.
John
Um, hiya. My name is John Bennett, and this is for Lori Collins, 'cause I love you. You know, this song reminds me of the most important night in my life... the night we met. Uh, this is the theme song from the movie Octopussy.
[Norah plays the saxophone and piano to start the song]
John
[singing off-key] All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two / Had no intention to do the things we've done...
Ted
Still better than Katy Perry.
John
[singing off-key] Funny how it always goes with love, when you don't look, you find / But then we're two of a kind /
[raises voice]
John
We move as one / We're an all-time high...
Rex
You suck! Get off the stage - Oh, c'mon, give him a chance!
[Crowd boos John as he continues to sing]
Angry fan
You're an asshole!
[Angry fan jumps off the guard rail and runs toward John, but John knocks him out with the microphone stand, sending him crashing off the stage]
Norah Jones
Oh Jesus!
[Security escorts John off the stage as other personnel surround the injured fan]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted
I look like Snuggles' accountant
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted
You know, you're acting like a cock, you know that?
John
What, I'm acting like a cock?
Ted
Yes, you are, so shut your meat hole for a second, and listen to me.
John
Huh?
Ted
Meat hole, huh, wait, that's not right, is it? No, pudding hole is that what they say? No, it can't be right either, because
[impersonating Roger Waters]
Ted
you can't have any pudding, if you don't eat your meat!
[chuckles]
Ted
Pink Floyd.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Robert
Stand up straight when you're talking to me.
John
Why the fuck would he say that?
Donny
Sorry, you really shouldn't swear in front of children.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Sam pours tequila shots and hands them to John and Ted]
John
Thanks, Flash.
Sam J. Jones
There you go, my friend.
Ted
Thank you.
John
Haha!
Ted
Yes!
[the trio down their shots]
Sam J. Jones
Oh, you guys seem pretty cool. You like to party?
[Rubs nose]
Sam J. Jones
[Blank stare at John and Ted's faces before they look at each other]
Ted
Uh, cocaine, right?
Sam J. Jones
Come on, dudes! Don't tell me you've never done it before.
John
Well, uh, well not recently, no.
Ted
I thought that was just for people in Florida.
Sam J. Jones
You better follow me. Come on.
[Sam walks away]
Ted
Johnny, I'm frightened.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Guy
You guys have been going out for four years? My longest relationship was like six months and then she farted in her sleep. I'm like, "I'm out of here, man". I was gone before she woke up.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted
[Finishing ringing up a customer at his check-out line]
There we go. Thank you very much. Please come again. We have a lot more groceries.
[Ted turns around and sits down. He notices Tami-Lynn on the other end of the check-out counter]
Ted
Hey, uh, hey Ellen.
Ellen
Yeah?
Ted
Who's that over there?
Ellen
[Turns around to see Tami-Lynn before turning back to Ted]
Oh, that's the new check-out girl. Don't know her name, seems cute.
Ted
Yeah, very cute. Do you know what I'd like to do to her? Something I call a Dirty Fozzie.
[Ted gets up on his counter and waves at Tami-Lynn, who smiles and waves back at him. They blow kisses at each other. He dry-humps the credit card machine, making her giggle. He then simulates oral sex with a Snickers bar, making her laugh further. Ted then squirts bottles of lotion on his face to simulate bukkake, causing her to stare blankly at him]
Ted
Okay, all right, so that's where we'll draw the line.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted
[sigh]
Look, John... loves you very much. More than anything in the world, and he's... fallin' to fuckin' pieces without ya. Y'know, he knows he screwed up huge, but, you gotta believe me: it wasn't all his fault... Alright? I told him to bale on you, that night at Rex's. And he said, "No."... He said, "No." He was gonna stay there with you, and I twisted his arm, Lori... I promise, I will leave and I will never come back. Alright? He'll be all yours.
Lori
Ted, that's a really nice offer, but I don't want you to do that... This is between John and me, and... I don't think it can be fixed...
Ted
Yeah, because o' me! Look, look, Lori, you want him to be a man... Alright? But, as long as he's got his teddy bear... he's always gonna be a boy... He's waitin' down at Charlie's right now. So, if you go down there, and just talk to him... I'll be gone when you get back... forever. And... you'll see... He'll never be scared of thunder again.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Rex escorts John to the second floor of his house, showing off all of his expensive memorabilia]
Rex
This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat. I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at an auction.
John
Wow, cool.
Rex
Yeah, cool.
[Pointing at boxing gloves on display]
Rex
These boxing gloves worn by Joe Louis in his first fight.
[Stops and points at abstract painting]
Rex
This is art. Get it?
[John shrugs]
Rex
[Pointing at glasses on display]
These were John Lennon's glasses. They're worth like a million dollars.
[pointing at a photo frame]
Rex
That's me and Tom Skerritt. Oh, check this out.
[They stop in front of a display]
Rex
This is Lance Armstrong's nut. I had it freeze-dried and bronzed. Every now and then, when life's getting me down and things are tough, I just come up here... and look at that. It reminds me that... things aren't so bad.
John
Sometimes you feel like a nut.
[They both walk to the bar]
Rex
So, talk to me, Jonny Quest, how are things with you and Lori?
John
You know, things are great, actually.
Rex
Oh that's great. That is great.
John
You know, uh, Lori would hate me for saying this, but, she told me how you are at the office. And as one gentleman to another, I just wanna say I really hope you fucking get Lou Gehrig's disease.
Rex
[Giggles]
Well, uh, let me, uh, let me get to clear the air a little. I mean, yeah, I'm kind of a fun time boss and whatnot. But look, man, I do that with everyone at the office. I'm a kook. I have no desires on your girlfriend. We work together, and that's it. You know, I think you're a great guy, and she's a very lucky girl.
John
Well that's good to hear.
Rex
Yeah.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted
Lori was right about you: you *cannot* take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.
John
Oh, and *you* can?
Ted
I don't *have* to! I'm a fucking *teddy bear*! Y'know somethin'? I didn't tie you up and *drag* you to that party, alright? I *wanted* you to come, because you're *supposedly* my best friend!
John
You can't stand there and tell me havin' been with Lori has always been a threat to our friendship! I mean, it always works out so much better for *you* when we're sittin' around gettin' *fucked* up on the couch till nine am, doesn't it?
Ted
[Scoffs]
Listen to yourself. What am I, Emperor Ming here controllin' your mind? That's *your* choice, John! And by blamin' me, you're just makin' yourself look like a pussy.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted
Listen. You got to let me help you make things right with you and Lori.
John
There's no putting things right. She fucking hates me.
Ted
No, John. We can... We can get her back. Look, you remember when you were 10, and you hit that squirrel with your BB gun? And then when we saw it fall from the tree, we both started crying, you remember? And then we ran up to it and we tried to give it CPR, and it came back to life. John, we could do that again.
John
Ted, we crushed its ribcage and blew out its lungs trying to give it CPR. It died.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lori
Welcome back Ted!
John
It was you!
Ted
Son of a bitch! You wished for my life back!
Lori
No! I wished for my life back.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Donny
You know Ted, when I was a little boy, I saw you on television. And I thought you were the most amazing, most wonderful thing I'd ever seen, ever. And I asked my dad if I could have a magically little teddy bear, too. And he said, "No."
Ted
Can you just email me the rest of this story?
Donny
And I was so heartbroken. And I promised myself that if I ever had a son, I would never, ever, ever say no to him. Ever.
Ted
Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every once in a while wouldn't hurt.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Lori
Okay here's a test to see how much you actually care about me. You remember that night after the club, we went and had late night eggs and waffles until about 5am. We watched a movie on a little TV at the diner. Name that movie?
John
Octopussy!
Lori
BABY! Goldstar!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted
Let's just find a better place to get stoned.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[from unrated version]
John
I could have wound up like that Asian guy at Virginia Tech but I didn't because of him. So I'm not that psyched to just, like, kick him out.
Lori
Well, it's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that prevented you from gunning down your classmates.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Robert
Me and Ted are going to be best friends, Daddy.
Donny
Yes, you are, my little chipmunk. Happy playtime.
Ted
Jesus fucking Christ!
Robert
I said a bad word one time. Daddy punished me for it.
Ted
That's a great story. I felt like I was there.
Robert
Daddy gave me an ouch. Now, I have to give you an ouch.
[tears Ted's ear off]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Sam J. Jones
We are gonna party like the 80s.
Ted
Show us how, Flash!
Sam J. Jones
Easy. We just gonna nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted
No, see trust me I can do this.
Guy #1
Shut up.
Guy #2
Let him try it, man.
Guy #1
All right. Okay.
[Puts his hand on the table with fingers spread out. Ted picks up a knife and starts stabbing the table between Guy #1's fingers as the crowd cheers. Ted stabs faster until he accidentally stabs Guy #1's hand. Crowd gasps as Guy #1 grabs his hand and crashes into the TV stand]
Ted
What?
Guy #1
[Holding his hand where blood is oozing out of the wound]
Son of a bitch!
Ted
Well you never should have trusted me. I'm on drugs.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[John rushes to Ted's apartment]
Ted
Johnny, thank Christ you made it.
John
Dude, I got 10 minutes. Where's Flash Gordon?
Ted
Okay, get ready. Hey Sam, this is the guy I was telling you about.
['Flash's Theme' plays as John sees Sam Jones turn around and walk toward him. He then imagines a scene from 'Flash Gordon' where they both ride a rocket cycle in the skies of Mongo]
Sam J. Jones
How you doing?
[Offers bro fist]
Sam J. Jones
Good to meet you.
Sam J. Jones
You're welcome.
Ted
He acknowledged it!
Sam J. Jones
Let's do some shots.
John
With you?
Ted
Oh my God.
John
Yes! Oh my God, yes!
Ted
Totally, yes!
Sam J. Jones
Let's go!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted
Your co-worker was making out with that Van Wilder look-alike.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[John is in Thomas' office for being late and for Ted damaging one of the rental cars]
Thomas
John, it's almost 10:00.
John
I know, sir. I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault.
Thomas
What do you mean?
John
Why? I, I guess I wasn't really prepared for a follow-up question.
Thomas
John, all you got to do is to not fuck up, and you get my job when I go to Corporate next month. You're the new branch manager. All you got to do is not fuck up.
John
I realize that.
Thomas
Good. Glad to hear. Because in a month, my life could be your life. A cushy, $38,000 a year branch manager who is personal friends with Tom Skeritt? Not a bad life, is it?
John
No.
Thomas
[Taps desk]
Let me show you something that I don't like to show people, because I don't want them treating me differently.
[Pulls out a picture frame from his top drawer]
Thomas
Lo, that's me and Skeritt.
John
Wow.
Thomas
Goddamn right, wow.
[Places picture frame back in drawer]
Thomas
I'm gonna dock you for dinging the car and for showing up late, okay? Try to be a little more responsible tomorrow.
John
I will, sir. I promise.
[as Thomas writes the disciplinary report, John points at him with both hands]
Thomas
What?
John
Top Gun.
Thomas
So?
John
Tom Skeritt.
Thomas
I know that. Get out of here, okay?
John
Thank you, sir.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Donny
Are you out here all alone?
Ted
Uh, no, no I'm not. Uh, you're never alone, when you're with Christ, so no, I'm not alone.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted
[Lori just took a shower; she is nude except for a towel wrapped around her]
Down here. Not looking up your towel. Swear to God. Not looking up your towel. Not looking at your funny business.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
John
[from deleted scene]
I could've ended up like that Asian kid at Virginia Tech, but I didn't because of Ted.
Lori
Well it's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that prevented you from gunning down your classmates.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted
[upon seeing all the pictures of himself at Donny and Robert's house]
Yeah, it's kind of funny actually. I've got a lot of pictures of you guys at my house.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Bellybutton
I love you!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Young John
Mom, Dad, guess what? My teddy bear's alive!
John's Mom
Really? Well, isn't that exciting!
Young John
No, Mom! He's really alive! Look!
Young Ted
[Ted walks in the kitchen]
Merry Christmas, everybody!
John's Mom
AAAAHHHHHHH!
John's Dad
Jesus H. Fuck!
Young Ted
Let's all be best friends!
John's Mom
OH MY GOD!
John's Dad
Son, get away from that thing! Get over here, right now!
Young John
But Dad...
John's Dad
GET OVER HERE!
John's Mom
Listen to your father! Get over here!
Young John
Dad, no!
Young Ted
Is it a hugging gun?
John's Dad
Helen, get my gun and call the police!
Young Ted
I'm sorry, Mr. Bennett. I didn't mean to scare anybody. I just wanted John an I to be friends.
Young John
Yeah, Dad! I made a wish last night that Teddy was alive. And my wish came true!
John's Mom
Oh my god, it's a miracle. It's a Christmas miracle. You're just like the Baby Jesus!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Ted
You know, you are acting like a cock.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
