Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* Movie Quotes
The Fool
Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.
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Victor Shakapopulis
I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing."
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The Fool
My father! You who died in childbirth!
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The Fool
With most grievous dispatch I shall open the latch to get at her snatch!
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The Operator
Can we please have an erection? What the hell is going on down there?
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[Dr. Ross is in divorce court]
Divorce Court Judge
The defendant did commit an adulterous act with a sheep - most distasteful in view of the fact that the sheep was under 18 years old.
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Friend
[in Italian] You got to play with her before you lay her.
Fabrizio
[in Italian] For how long?
Friend
[in Italian] Fifteen minutes. Half hour. Depends on the woman.
Fabrizio
[in Italian] How long with your wife?
Friend
[in Italian] Thirty seconds.
Fabrizio
[in Italian, in awe] Lucky!
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The Girl
For me, Norman Mailer has exactly that same sort of relevance - that affirmitive, negative duality that only Proust or Flaubert could achieve.
The Operator
I don't know if we're gonna make it or not, doesn't look too good.
The Girl
I'm a graduate of New York University.
The Operator
We're gonna make it.
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Gina
[in Italian]
It was my first time. Did you like it?
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The Queen
Kiss me quick!
The Fool
Yes!... where is your quick?
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The Queen
Didst I feel aright or didst I feel that thy two hands did upon my royal body cop a feel?
The Fool
Oh, Madam, not I, surely, would never lay my hands on the royal tomatoes.
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Dr. Bernardo
Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus.
Victor Shakapopulis
How often does that problem come up with a hippo?
Dr. Bernardo
Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread. They're getting on famously! Here I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian and put it into the body of a man who works for the telephone company.
Victor Shakapopulis
But why? What good will this do anybody?
Dr. Bernardo
It'll show those fools who called me mad!
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Woods County Sheriff
Only one thing bothers me, though. That was a single. You're sure that was a single, now?
Victor Shakapopulis
That was a single, yeah.
Woods County Sheriff
Yeah, well, they usually travel in pairs.
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The Operator
Think we're gonna have intercourse tonight?
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[the King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress]
The Fool
Hi Milord! You remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?
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[Dr. Ross's wife has caught him in bed with a sheep wearing sexy black garters]
Mrs. Ross
[upset]
How could you?
Dr Doug Ross
This is Mrs. Bencours, one of my patients. She thinks she's a sheep.
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Victor Shakapopulis
Doctor, I read a statement you made that, uh, you felt that the average length of a man's penis should be nineteen inches. Doesn't that seem a little long?
Dr. Bernardo
Long? My friend, I'm making discoveries you wouldn't dream of.
Dr. Bernardo
Yes I know, but nineteen inches. I mean that's-...
[Victor makes hand gestures]
Dr. Bernardo
Does it sound mad? That's what they called me at Masters and Johnson's clinic, mad. Because I had visions of explorations in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings. It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat. I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics. It was I who first said that the clitoral orgasm should not be only for women! They ridiculed me, said I was mad, haha! But I showed them. They threw me out of Masters and Johnson, no severance but, and I had it coming. But I showed them!
Victor Shakapopulis
Are we having dessert?
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Doctor Ross
[on the phone]
Room Service, this is Doctor Ross in Room 525. I would like to have some chilled white Burgundy, a little caviar, and some grass. Oh, just plain green grass.
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Sheriff
We're too late. He's dead.
Toni Holt
Yeah, I know. The cream slowed him up and the milk killed him. We're up against a very clever tit. It shoots half-n-half.
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Gina
[in Italian]
Fabrizio, go easy on my hymen.
Fabrizio
Gina, your body to me a cathedral. Now take off your pants.
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Jack Barry
Pamela, would you do the honors and tie up the Rabbi?
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Mrs. Ross
What are you doing?
Doctor Ross
Oh, just nothing.
Mrs. Ross
You're not doing just nothing. You were fondling your lamb's wool sweater.
Doctor Ross
I was not fondling my lamb's wool sweater. What would I do something like that for?
Mrs. Ross
Well, God knows?
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Nurse
Doctor, Mr. Milos brought in his sheep.
Doctor Ross
She's here? Alright, show her in.
[Nurse brings in Daisy]
Doctor Ross
Thank you. You can go.
[Nurse departs]
Doctor Ross
Hi, darling. I know this must all seem very strange to you. You from the hills of Armenia and me from Jackson Heights. And yet, I think it could work. If we gave it a chance.
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Tess, Sam's wife
Sam, we've been married for years. I love you. You love me. You could have come to me and said, "Tess, I have a diseased mind. I'm a sick individual. I need help. I need treatment. I'm perverted. I'm unfit to function with normal, decent people." I would have understood.
Sam
Thank you.
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Dr. Bernardo
In here I have twenty scouts. I want to measure your respiration when they gang-bang you.
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The Operator
Attention gonads, we're going for seconds.
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Tess, Sam's wife
Ah! My God, she's my husband!
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Helen Lacey
Oh, Victor, please don't do anything dangerous!
Victor Shakapopulis
Don't worry. I know how to handle tits.
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Switchboard
Prepare for release of sperm.
The Operator
Will Mayes. Joe Namath. Mickey Mantle.
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Sperm
Well, this looks like it.
Victor
Do you guys know what its like out there?
Sperm
Like they told us in training school - it's an ovum.
Victor
I'm scared. I don't want to go.
Sperm
This is what all this training was for.
Victor
But, who knows what its gonna be like out there.
Sperm
You saw slides in class.
Victor
Yeah, but, you hear these strange stories, you know, like, like there's this pill these women take or sometimes the guy's will slam their heads up against a wall of hard rubber.
Sperm
Oh, that's nonsense.
Victor
Here or what if its a homosexual encounter?
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The Operator
We're inside! We're making it! Have memory think of baseball players to keep sperm from premature launching.
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The Operator
Roll out the tongue. Here comes the kiss! Hang on! Activate pleasure center.
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Sperm #1
I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling.
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Doctor Ross
Don't bring in a sheep into this office! My mother just got finished paying for it!
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The Fool
T.B. or not T.B. That is the congestion. Consumption be done about it? Of cough. Of cough.
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Helen Lacey
You're insane!
Dr. Bernardo
That's what they called me at Masters and Johnson for creating a 400-foot diaphragm. Contraception for the entire nation at once!
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Woods County Sheriff
[on radio]
Be on the look out for a large female breast.
Victor Shakapopulis
It's about a 4000 with an X-cup.
Woods County Sheriff
About a 4000 with an X-cup.
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[the Fool standing next to the Queen in her bedroom]
The King
[to the Queen]
Come, give me a kiss.
The Fool
'Course, Milord - stick out your tongue.
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The Queen
Ah, 'tis the chastity belt that the jealous King hath fastened upon me that no one but he shalst have the goods of the body.
The Fool
Yeah, it's a pretty bad break for all of us at the Palace.
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The Operator
Prepare to stroke her thighs.
Switchboard
We're on the thighs and stroking.
The Operator
Attention mouth. Attention mouth. Please blow in her ear.
Switchboard
Erection is at 45 degrees and holding fast.
The Operator
Readjust mouth.
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Switchboard
Proceed with erection. All systems go.
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[Fabrizio tries in vain to get Gina excited]
Fabrizio
[romantically, in Italian, as he rubs her]
Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay...
[a long time later, Gina is still insensitive]
[Fabrizio falls asleep on top of her]
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The Queen
Hark unto me! If my husband the King and my son the Doctor walketh near upon these paved paths and heareth what thou saist about copping a feel, thy life would not be worth a plugged nickel!
The Fool
But Madam, so beautiful do they lay there, one on either side!
The Queen
'One on either side'?
The Fool
A matched set!
The Queen
That's the way they were made, Fool! Away with thee!
[She storms away knocking the Fool over]
The Fool
I fell on my bells!
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The Queen
Wait! Fool, come here. I have - on me, this extraordinary warmth that is flowing through my veins. That makes me wish, thy, longest thou should run amok over my entire body and make love to me now. Ravage me and take me now. Take me.
The Fool
It would be my pleasure.
The Queen
Take me now to the bed.
The Fool
To the bed?
The Queen
Make love to me now.
The Fool
Yes. To the bed!
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The Fool
Did you like the way I fooled these guys?
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The Fool
The potion will be under the pillow. So, in case you lose your hots, we can refurbish them.
The Queen
Ay! Come close! Oh God, run thy hands upon my body!
The Fool
I shall - I shall realign your brakes.
The Queen
Ay! Oh! Nay, I need the feel of naked flesh against flesh.
The Fool
I'm all out of naked flesh. But, will velvet do?
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Victor
I love the new exercises His Majesty does to keep in shape. It's called: taxing peasants.
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The Queen
Cheers!
The Fool
And Roebuck.
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The Fool
But, seriously, ladies and germs, I want to say that - that plague is really something. Doesn't everything look black?
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The Fool
Forgive me, Madam, I beg your puberty.
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Doctor Ross
Mr. Milos, what you don't understand is its not normal to experience mature love for anything with four legs!
Milos
Wait till you meet her!
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Doctor Ross
Now, what seems to be the trouble?
Milos
I am in love with a sheep.
Doctor Ross
I beg your pardon?
Milos
I am in love with a sheep.
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Doctor Ross
You need a psychiatrist. I am a medical doctor.
Milos
Speak to her. Please.
Doctor Ross
I can't talk to a sheep. Are you nuts?
Milos
She's outside in my brother's truck!
Doctor Ross
Would you get out of my office, please! I'm an MD. I'm not a veterinarian!
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Milos
I took Daisy off to a little cove and there, under the Armenian sky, had sexual intercourse.
Doctor Ross
With the sheep?
Milos
Naturally. It was the greatest lay I ever had!
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Doctor Ross
Daisy, Daisy, let's be gentle.
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Doctor Ross
I'm sorry, honey. I was out when you phoned. Emergency house call. Mmm, you smell good.
Mrs. Ross
[sniffs]
Darling, is it my imagination or do you always smell from lamb chops?
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Robert Q. Lewis
Mr. Jaffe, is this one of those nice perversions that any guy might in indulge in?
Bernard Jaffe
Anybody can do it.
Robert Q. Lewis
Anybody?
Bernard Jaffe
I'm sure you could. Its just a matter of wanting to.
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Regis Philbin
When you're doing your perversion, do you have any need for props?
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Pamela Mason
Is it something that is done with the hands?
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Robert Q. Lewis
Is this one of the perversions that might best be performed in the home or could you just do it anywhere?
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Helen Lacey
Victor, look!
Victor
Oh my God, a gigantic tit!
Helen Lacey
Oh, Victor, what are we going to do?
Victor
I don't know what you're going to do; but, I'm going home and get my catchers mitt. Look, it looks angry. The nipple's getting erect.
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Helen Lacey
I think its wonderful how you Men of Science have finally gotten around to sex! All the girls at The Globe are so pleased with your work on respiration during orgasm.
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Victor
Sheriff, I want to report an escaped tit.
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Victor
Listen, we don't have time to argue here. While we're standing here, the countryside's being ravaged by a colossal boob!
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Helen Lacey
Are studying sexual phenomenon too?
Victor
Yes. I was a biology major in school and I've really been looking forward to working with the Doctor, you know, he's a great hero of mine. I don't know if you know this or not, but, he was the first man to ever measure the sound waves produce by an erection.
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Victor
I've never told anyone this before; but, when I was a little child I was breastfed from falsies.
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Victor
The truth of the matter is, I've learned one thing from this whole situation and that is: when it comes to sex, there are certain things that should be always left unknown - and with my luck, they probably will be.
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Helen Lacey
Oh, Victor, what are we going to do to stop this fiendish tit?
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The Operator
Prepare for penetration.
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