Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Movie Quotes
Bacon
What's that?
Samoan Joe's Barman
It's a cocktail. You asked for a cocktail.
Bacon
No. I asked you to give me a refreshing drink. I wasn't expecting a fucking rainforest! You could fall in love with an orangutan in that!
Samoan Joe's Barman
You want a pint, you go to the pub.
Bacon
I thought this was a pub!
Samoan Joes Barman
It's a Samoan pub.
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Eddie
They're armed.
Soap
What was that? Armed? What do you mean armed? Armed with what?
Eddie
Err, bad breath, colorful language, feather duster... what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit!
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[first lines]
Bacon
Right. Let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those who trust me from the ones who don't, because if you can't see value here today, you're not up here shopping. You're up here shoplifting. You see these goods? Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite. Fanny by the gaslight. Take a bag, c'mon take a bag. I took a bag home last night. Cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell you. Anyone like jewelry? Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney. It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else. Don't think because these boxes are sealed up, they're empty. The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you lot today, I'd make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price. Ten pound.
Eddie
Did you say ten pound?
Bacon
Are you deaf?
Eddie
That's a bargain. I'll take one.
Bacon
Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow. They call it walking. You want one as well, darling? You do? That's it. They're waking up. Treat the wife. Treat somebody else's wife. It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught. Hold on. You want one as well? Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then. It's no good standing out there like one o'clock half-struck. Buy them, you better buy them. These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for, and we can't get them again. They've changed the bloody locks. Here. One for you. It's no good coming back later when I've sold out. "Too late, too late" will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by. If you got no money on you now, you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages.
Eddie
Bacon, cozzers!
Bacon
Shit.
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"Hatchet" Harry
You must be Eddie, J.D.'s son.
Eddie
Yeah. You must be Harry. Sorry, didn't know your father.
"Hatchet" Harry
Never mind son, you just might meet him if you carry on like that.
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Barry the Baptist
When you dance with the devil, you wait for the song to stop.
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Soap
A minute ago this was the safest job in the world. Now it's turning into a bad day in Bosnia.
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Rory Breaker
If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kinda pussy to drink it. Know what I mean?
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Big Chris
It's been emotional.
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Big Chris
I've got some bad news for you, John.
John
What the fuck?
[Chris closes tanning parlor on John]
Big Chris
Mind your language in front of the boy!
John
Jesus Christ!
[Chris does it again]
Big Chris
That includes blasphemy as well!
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Tom
Listen to this one then; you open a company called the Arse Tickler's Faggot Fan Club. You take an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, sell it a bit with, er... I dunno, "does what no other dildo can do until now", latest and greatest in sexual technology. Guaranteed results or money back, all that bollocks. These dills cost twenty-five each; a snip for all the pleasure they are going to give the recipients. They send a cheque to the company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie's Bits or something, for twenty-five. You put these in the bank for two weeks and let them clear. Now this is the clever bit. Then you send back the cheques for twenty-five pounds from the real company name, Arse Tickler's Faggot Fan Club, saying sorry, we couldn't get the supply from America, they have sold out. Now you see how many of the people cash those cheques; not a single soul, because who wants his bank manager to know he tickles arses when he is not paying in cheques!
Bacon
So how long do you have to wait for a return?
Tom
Probably no more than four weeks.
Bacon
Well what good is that if we need it in six... no, five days?
Tom
Well it was still a good idea.
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Rory Breaker
Your stupidity must be your one saving grace.
Nick the Greek
Uh?
Rory Breaker
Don't "uh" me Greek boy! How is it that your fucking stupid soon-to-be-dead friends thought they might be able to steal my cannabis and then sell it back to me? Is this a declaration of war? Is this some white cunt's joke that black cunts don't get? 'Cause Im not fucking laughing Ni-ko-las!
Nick the Greek
[shrugs nervously]
Rory Breaker
I know you couldn't have known my position 'cause you're not that stupid that if you did, you wouldn't have turned up here scratching your arse with that "what's going on here?" look slapped all over your chevy chase! But what you do know is where these people live.
[rises from his chair and walks towards Nick]
Rory Breaker
If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth or I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything, I'll kill ya. In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now, do you understand everything I've just said? 'Cause if you don't, I'll kill ya! Now, Mr Bubble and Squeak, you may enlighten me.
Nick the Greek
[nods nervously]
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Nick the Greek
Dunno Tom. Seems expensive.
Tom
Seems? Well, this seems to be a waste of my time. That is 900 nicker in any shop you're lucky enough to find one in. And you're complaining about 200? What school of finance did you study? "It's a deal, it's a steal, it's the sale of the fucking century!" In fact, fuck it Nick, I think I'll keep it!
Nick the Greek
All right all right, keep your Alans on!
[Peels off notes from his wad]
Nick the Greek
Here's a ton.
Tom
Tom, Eddie: Jesus Christ!
Eddie
You could choke a dozen donkeys on that! And you're haggling over one hundred pound? What d'you do when you're not buying stereos Nick? Finance revolutions?
Nick the Greek
100 pounds is still 100 pounds.
Tom
Not when the price is 200 pounds it's not! And certainly not when you've got Liberia's deficit in your skyrocket. Tighter than a duck's butt you are. Now, c'mon. Lemme feel the fibre of your fabric.
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Tom
Rory Breaker?
Barfly Jack
Rory? Yeah I know Rory. He's not to be underestimated. He's a funny looking fucker, I know. But you've got to look past the hair and the cute, cuddly thing - it's all a deceptive facade. A few nights ago Rory's Roger iron's rusted. He's gone down the battle-cruiser to watch the end of a football game. Nobody is watching the custard so he turns the channel over. A fat geezer's north opens. He wanders up and turns the liza over. 'Now fuck off and watch it somewhere else.' Rory knows claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to miss the end of the game. So, calm as a coma, picks up a fire extinguisher, walks straight past the jam rolls who are ready for action and he plonks it outside the entrance. He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping pong tiddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer. 'That's fucking it,' says the geezer. 'That's fucking what?' says Rory. And he gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty. He flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest and the geezer's lit up like a leaking gas pipe. Rory, unfazed, turned back to his game. His team's won too. Four-nil.
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Winston
Charles, why have we got that cage?
Charles
Uh, security.
Winston
That's right, that's right, security. So what's the point in having it if we're not goin' fucking use it?
Charles
Well, I would've used it but this is Willie and Willie lives here.
Winston
Yes, but you didn't know it was Willie until you opened the door, did you?
Willie
Chill, Winston, it's me. Charlie knows it's me. What's the problem?
Winston
The problem, Willie, is that Charles and yourself are not the quickest of cats at the best of times. So just do as I say and keep *the fucking cage locked!* What is that?
Willie
That's Gloria.
Winston
Yes I know that's Gloria, what's that?
Willie
Fertilizer.
Winston
You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter and you come back with a semi-conscious Gloria and a bag of fertilizer. Alarm bells are ringing, Willie.
Willie
We need fertilizer Winston.
Winston
Mmmhmm. We also need a money counter. This money's got to be out by Thursday, I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it. Just make sure if you do need to buy sodding fertilizer you could be a bit more subtle.
Willie
What do you mean?
Winston
We grow copious amounts of ganja, yah? And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking- culturalist! That's what I mean Willie.
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Eddie
Oh, and if Tom or anyone else for that matter feels like givin' them a bit of a kickin', I'm sure it won't do any harm.
Soap
Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody. If you know what I mean. Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don't make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit 'em right up. Makes it look like we're serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro.
Tom
Soap, is there something we should know about you?
Bacon
I'm not sure what's more worrying. The job or your past.
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Barry the Baptist
Fucking northern monkeys!
Lenny
I hate these fucking southern fairies!
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Gary
Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shot?
Barry the Baptist
Oh, you must be the brains of the operation. Yes, guns that fire shot.
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Eddie
The entire British empire was built on cups of tea...
Soap
Yeah, and look what happened to that.
Eddie
...And if you think I'm going to war without one, mate, you're mistaken.
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Dog
I'll find you... I'll find you.
Bacon
'Course you will sweetheart!
[Ties Dog's hands behind him]
Dog
I'll find you.
Bacon
What d'you think this is? Fucking hide and seek?
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Little Chris
Fuckin' hell John, do you always walk around with this in your pocket?
Big Chris
Hey! You use language like that again son, you'll wish you hadn't!
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Rory Breaker
Get Nick, the greasy wop, shistos, pesevengi, gamouri Greek bastard round here now, if he's still stupid enough to be on this planet!
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Barry the Baptist
Hello son, would you like a lolly?
Little Chris
Piss off, you nonce!
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Soap
What do they say about assumption being the brother of all fuck-ups?
Tom
It's the mother of all fuck-ups, stupid!
Soap
Brother, mother, any other sucker. It don't make any difference. They're still fucking guns and they still fire fucking bullets!
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[after shooting each other]
Gary
What the fuck are you doing here?
Barry the Baptist
What the FUCK are YOU doing here?
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Rory Breaker
Is this some white cunts joke that black cunts don't get? 'Cause I'm not fucking laughing Nicholas.
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Winston
Charles, get the rifle out. We're being fucked.
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Rory Breaker
What did you shoot him with, an air rifle?
Winston
Look, we grow weed. We're not mercenaries.
Rory Breaker
You don't say.
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John
Jesus, Plank, couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges? I can't see a bloody thi - Ah! Shit! I've been shot!
Dog
I don't fucking believe this! Can everyone stop gettin' shot?
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Big Chris
[Big Chris has just explained that Eddie is in debt with Hatchet Harry]
I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock. But let me tell you how this can be resolved by you, a good father.
JD
Go on.
Big Chris
He likes your bar.
JD
Yes?
Big Chris
He wants your bar.
JD
And?
Big Chris
Do you want me to draw you a picture?
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Tom
There's no money, there's no weed. It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses.
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Don
I'll fold.
Phil
Fold? Is that the only word they taught you at school, Donald?
Don
No Phil, they also taught me the word cunt!
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Tom
Well, he can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling. It's not worth him giving us any trouble cause he knows we'll be a pain in the arse.
Soap
I'd take a pain in the arse for half a million quid.
Tom
You'd take a pain in the arse for air miles.
Soap
Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get.
Eddie
Will you two stop flirting for a minute?
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Barry the Baptist
Lock, stock, the fuckin' lot.
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Eddie
Tom, you take those guns and you throw them off a bridge.
Bacon
And throw yourself off while you're at it.
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Soap
You're not funny, Tom. You're fat, and look as though you should be, but you're not.
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Plank
Ah! They fucking shot me!
Dog
Well, fucking shoot 'em back!
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Dog
What the fuck is that?
Mickey
It's me Bren gun.
Dog
Couldn't you have thought of something more practical?
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[Discussing their careers as marijuana growers]
J
I've a strong suspicion we should have been rocket scientists, or Nobel Peace Prize winners or something.
Charles
Peace Prize? Ooh. Be lucky to find your penis for a piss, the amount you keep smoking.
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Nick the Greek
Just get me a sample.
Tom
No can do.
Nick the Greek
What's that? Some place near Katmandu? Meet me halfway, mate.
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Soap
OY! Keep your fingers out of my soup!
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Eddie
Twenty grand, open.
"Hatchet" Harry
Thirty thousand. Back to you, already-Eddie.
Eddie
Fifty grand.
"Hatchet" Harry
Eighty grand.
Eddie
One hundred grand.
Player
Whoa, whoa, whoa, look fellas, I know...
"Hatchet" Harry
I know you're not in. Which means, no-one cares what you know.
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Bacon
Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson, who worked for Harry. It was rumoured that he was on the take. Harry's invited Smithy round for an explanation. Smithy didn't do a very good job. Within a minute, Harry's lost his rag, reached out for the nearest thing at hand, which happened to be a 15 inch black rubber cock. He's then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death with it. Now that was seen as a pleasant way to go. Hence, Hatchet Harry is a man you pay if you owe.
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Soap
You mean to tell me that the only thing connecting us with the murders is in the back of your car which is parked outside?
Tom
They cost me 700 quid. I'm not just going to throw them away. They're hardly likely to trace 'em back to us, now are they?
Soap
You really think it's worth taking the risk for 700 pounds? Tom, you're a dick.
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JD
I do know your reputation. So I choose my words very carefully. You tell Harry to go fuck himself.
Big Chris
Now... I'll put that down to shock. Only once.
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Eddie
I don't know. What I do know is there's no more Harry. Which means there's no more debt. And if there's no more debt, there's no more problem. And there's no problem with the neighbors... because they're all dead. And I think, if I get this right, we haven't done anything wrong... we're in the clear.
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Big Chris
All right, son: roll them guns up, count the money, and put your seat belt on.
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[haggling with Tom]
Nick the Greek
What else does it come with?
Tom
It comes with a gold-plated Rolls Royce, as long as you pay for it.
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Rory Breaker
Now watch out for these fellas. They've got a bit of an arsenal, and they don't mind using it.
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Dog
So we've got a bit of a problem, ain't we? In fact, this is a bit more than a bit of a problem. I'd say it's the Mount fucking Everest of problems! And the reason it's such a fucking monstrosity of a problem is, *you haven't got the first idea who did this to us, have ya*?
Plank
We've been up all night. It's no one from round here. We've had 'em all lined up against the wall. If it was a toerag from the manor, we'd know.
Dog
[screaming]
You'd know? You'd fucking know? You wouldn't know if it was the next door *fucking* neighbours! Get out there and find them! I'm sick of the fucking sight of ya!
[Kicks Plank's head through a wall, revealing a set of listening equipment]
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"Hatchet" Harry
It's about time you paid our young friends a visit, Chris. Today's the day and mum's the word, and I can't have that, can I?
Big Chris
No, 'Arry, you can't.
"Hatchet" Harry
I mean, it's a liberty. And I can't have liberties taken, can I, Barry?
Barry the Baptist
No, 'Arry, you can't.
"Hatchet" Harry
I mean, it's enough to give me the arsehole. And I can't have the arsehole, can I, boys?
Big Chris
Big Chris, Barry the Baptist: No, 'Arry, you can't.
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Tom
Look, it's all completely chicken soup.
Nick the Greek
It's what?
Tom
It's kosher. As Christmas.
Nick the Greek
The Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom.
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Barry the Baptist
If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got, I suggest you get those guns. Quick!
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Eddie
Soap, don't be such a mincer.
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Gary
So who's the gov'? Who we doing this for?
Barry the Baptist
You're doing it for me, that's all you need to know. You know because you need to know.
Gary
I see. One of them "on a need to know basis" things is it. Like one of them James Bond films.
Barry the Baptist
Careful. Remember who's giving you this job.
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Soap
A little bit of pain never hurt anybody, if you know what I mean.
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Barry the Baptist
[Barry's video monitor is cutting out]
Come on! Not now, please, not...
[monitor goes black]
Barry the Baptist
Oh, you fucking bastard.
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Soap
When the bottle in my arse has contracted, I'll let you know.
Eddie
Bacon, see what we've got.
Bacon
Let's have a butcher's, eh?
[as he inspects their loot]
Bacon
We've hit the jackpot, lads! We've got God-knows-how-much of this stinking weed, a shitload of cash... and a traffic warden.
Tom
What?
[Bacon holds up an unconscious man]
Tom
Jesus, Ed, we've got a traffic warden!
Bacon
I think he's still alive - he's got claret coming out of him somewhere. What did they want with a traffic warden?
Eddie
I don't know, but I don't think we need him! Knock him out and dump him at the lights!
Bacon
Knock him out? What'd ya mean, knock him out? Knock him out with what?
Eddie
I don't know! Use your imagination!
[Bacon punches the Traffic Warden, who moans in pain]
Tom
Don't touch him up! Knock him out!
Bacon
I'll knock you out in a minute! Look, you want to knock him out? *You* knock him out.
Eddie
I fucking hate traffic wardens.
[after a pause, Tom and Eddie jump into the back of the van with Bacon; all three proceed to batter the Traffic Warden senseless]
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Dean
[after seeing Gary holding a candle under the house owner's feet]
Whoa, whoa Kenny! What are you doing?
Gary
I am trying to find out where they keep their money!
Dean
You twat! Can't you see these people have got no money? They can't even afford new furniture! We've got the guns, whats the matter with you? Everytime we do a job, you have to go burning people's feet, whats wrong with you?
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Barry the Baptist
[answering his phone]
What?
Dean
I thought you said there'd be no staff Barry!
Barry the Baptist
Did you get those guns?
Dean
You wanna see what they did to poor Gary?
[calling out to a delirious Gary]
Dean
Gary? Gary?
Barry the Baptist
I said, did you get those guns?
Dean
YES, WE GOT THEM!
Barry the Baptist
Good, I'll speak to you later
[hangs up the phone]
Dean
Gary, if you can hear me, get back in the car now mate okay?
[turning his attention back to Barry]
Dean
Barry? Barry? Fucking sodding shandy-drinking bastard!
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[Spots the bag of money he just gave to Harry in Eddie's lap]
Big Chris
Cheeky bastard!
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Tom
I want to look fucking mean!
Nick the Greek
Of course you'll look mean! You'll look really scary...
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JD
So, you in the clear? More importantly, am I?
Eddie
It appears so.
JD
Appears? You'd have to do better than fucking appears, my friend.
Eddie
Well everybody's dead, Dad. I think that's about as clear as it can get.
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Rory Breaker
Is that so, mister botanical?
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"Hatchet" Harry
I don't want to know who you use, as long as they're not complete muppets.
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Dean
He's got the guns. Go ahead. You get them.
Gary
Why me?
Dean
You're supposed to be the hard case.
Gary
[shrieks]
You get the guns. I drive the car!
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[Traffic wardens becoming a deus ex machina]
Big Chris
It's a thirty second drive or a five minute walk. I couldn't have parked outside. I'd have got a ticket!
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Soap
You want a sandwich, Bacon?
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Barfly Jack
He then proceeds to order an Aristotle of the most ping-pong tiddly in the Nuclear sub.
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Paul
Come take a look at this.
Traffic Warden
Take a look at what, exactly?
Paul
Well, the van's half-full. So all I have to do is fill it up, put you in it,
[knocks him out]
Paul
and I'm off.
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Gary
I've just spent 120 quid on me hair. If you think I'm puttin a stockin over me head you're very much mistaken.
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Dog
Golf - the best way to spoil a good walk. Winston Churchill said that. I say it's a dog-eat-dog world. And I got bigger teeth than you two.
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Tom
This is fucked. No money. No weed. Its all been replaced by a pile of corpses.
[Having noticed the corpses of both Rory's gang and the neighbors]
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Rory Breaker
We're gonna do a proper decoration job. I want the grey skies of London illuminated. I want that house painted red.
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Soap
I don't think it's the right move.
Eddie
It's either that, the old boy's place and we lose a digit daily. I'm gonna phone him.
Bacon
As if he'll care.
Eddie
He'll care alright, that was supposed to be his money. Whether he cares about us or not is different.
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Lenny
Hang on a minute, Nathan. Something stinks.
Nathan
Yeah, your fucking aftershave.
Lenny
Fuck you, funny man.
J
For God's sake, help me. I'm in pain. I'm in so much pain!
Lenny
Go in slowly, Nathan.
Nathan
Fuck you, funny man. You go first.
Lenny
Just get the fuck in there, will you?
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"Hatchet" Harry
How did you get your hands on these, then?
Big Chris
The boys had 'em. I know you like these sort of things, wondered if you wanted 'em.
"Hatchet" Harry
Yeah, I'll have 'em.
Barry the Baptist
Was it hard work getting the money?
Big Chris
Not especially. Upset a few characters, though.
"Hatchet" Harry
Have you counted it?
Big Chris
Yeah, it's all there to the pound.
"Hatchet" Harry
And they were gonna pay?
Big Chris
Looks like it. But who knows? The opportunity was there. In my experience, it's best to take that opportunity. If it's there.
"Hatchet" Harry
Good work, Chris.
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Dog
[Deafened]
What the fuck was that?
Mickey
Well, that was the Bren gun!
Dog
If you fire that gun again, you're a dead man. Understand? Dead. No ifs, no buts, you're a *fucking* dead man! I've got the bollock ache with this.
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Rory Breaker
Your stupidity may be your one saving grace.
Nick the Greek
Uuugh?
Rory Breaker
Don't "uuugh" me, Greek boy!
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Gary
Who was that?
Lenny
That was Harry Horrible Hatchet!
Gary
Jesus, I've heard of him...
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"Hatchet" Harry
Back to you, already-Eddie.
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Barry the Baptist
Call me when you're done. Ta-ta.
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Soap
Where the fuck are they going?... Shift a piano? I thought this was meant to be a robbery.
Eddie
Where did they get those outfits?
Tom
Tom, Bacon: Not a bad idea, that.
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Eddie
Can we lock up and get drunk now?
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Eddie
As you know this puts us in an awkward position... I don't have enough to continue.
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[about to kill Willie with a machete]
Mickey
It's time to say goodnight, nurse!
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Soap
Tom, what have you been eatin'?
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Dean
We're in shit. They were his fucking guns we sold.
[Realising the guns he sold belonged to Harry]
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Eddie
The Traffic Warden identified the neighbours' bodies. Which sort of puts us in the clear. The only thing connecting us with the case is those shotguns.
Bacon
And Tom took care of them.
Soap
You did take care of the shotguns?
Tom
I wanted to talk to you about that?
Bacon
Well, talk.
Tom
Well, actually no. I've got them sitting in the car. I was gonna sell them back to Nick the Greek, but I'm having a bit of trouble getting hold of him.
Bacon
You dippy bastard.
Eddie
So... the only thing connecting us with the case, is in the back of your car which is parked outside?
Tom
They cost us 700 quid. I'm not gonna throw them away. And they're hardly likely to trace 'em back to us, are they?
Soap
Do you really think it's worth taking the risk for £700?
Eddie
Tom, you're a dick. Now you take those guns and you throw them off a bridge.
Bacon
And throw yourself off while you're at it.
Soap
Now.
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Rory Breaker
What do you want, a medal? I'll shoot you in the fucking throat if I don't get my ganja back.
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John
So they had the cash.
Paul
And the puff.
Dog
Cheeky bastards. Count it.
John
Shit, Dog. There's a lot. Don't you wanna do it next door?
Dog
We're not going next door until we flay them dead men walking.
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Gary
Bastard! You fucking bastard!
[Firing at "Hatchet" Harry]
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Rory Breaker
You think this is a coincidence? This white shite steals my things and thinks that he can sell it back to me? He's got less brains than you, Lenny!
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Plank
A bunch of Public Schoolboys, soft as shite.
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Bacon
Scarface. I've watched Scarface. If you wanna know how to do a drug deal, you watch Scarface.
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Barry the Baptist
He's got some adhesive mates. I mean they're like brothers.
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"Hatchet" Harry
So what do you make of this Eddie then?
Barry the Baptist
He's a fucking thief.
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Don
Apparently it's for security.
[Explaining the boxing arena]
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Paul
Gordon Bennett. What the fuck's been going on here?
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Dog
Where the fuck did she come from?
[Punches Gloria]
Dog
That is it. Tie her up. We're outta here.
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Nick the Greek
Is that you, Dean?
Dean
No, it's Lord fucking Lucan. Who do you think it is?
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Winston
He's the one we shot in the neck.
[Referring to Plank]
Rory Breaker
Is that right, Mr. Botanical?
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Bacon
I don't believe this. What the fuck has happened here?
Soap
Jesus.
[Looking through a window smashed during the shootout]
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"Hatchet" Harry
Yeah? That you, boy?
Eddie
It's Ed, if that's you mean.
"Hatchet" Harry
Pay day, ain't it?
Eddie
Yeah... I wanted to talk to you about that.
"Hatchet" Harry
I'll bet you do. I got half a million nicker sitting here, which means some poor sod doesn't. You've upset a few people, boy. But that really isn't my concern, is it? What does concern me, is the guns you had. I want to talk to you about that. So get your arse over here now. And I do mean now.
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J
We grow grass, we're not mercenaries.
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Dog
Robert's your father's brother.
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Eddie
Ladies, back to more important issues if you don't mind. We have only got two real guns. Apparently that's what they are. So we find a good place to hide next door, we wait till it sounds like the right time, then we jack-in-the-box, look nasty and stuff, cocoon them in gaffer tape, nick their van, swap the gear into the new van and bring it all back here. As long as we're all out of our hiding places quickly, it's the last thing they're gonna expect. Oh and if Tom of anyone else for that matter feels like giving them a bit of a kicking, I'm sure it won't do any harm.
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Tom
They lack any kind of criminal credibility. I might get laughed at.
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Eddie
That's quite a raise. That's 150 on my 100.
"Hatchet" Harry
Yeah. And is there anything else you want to say?
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Big Chris
[Slamming Dog's head with a car door]
Never ever has anyone ever been as fucking rude to me as you Dog, fucking bastard!
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Eddie
Eddie, Soap, Bacon: [All trying to call Tom] What's his number?
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"Hatchet" Harry
Don't go spending it all at once, boy.
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Mickey
How'd you think I'm doing? He's fucking nearly chopped my arm off.
[after being attacked by Willie with a machete]
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