Dr. Dolittle Movie Quotes
Dr. John Dolittle
Who's this?
Rodney
I'll give you a hint: I'm cute, I'm furry, and I make five hundred babies a year!
Dr. John Dolittle
Rodney. Get back in your cage.
Rodney
What's up with that trap behind the fridge? You trying to kill me?
Dr. John Dolittle
Never mind that. Get your little furry ass back in your cage. Now. I don't want your droppings on... Bye-bye.
[to security guard]
Dr. John Dolittle
My son Rodney. Little hairy boy, sleeps in the cage. I have to keep him in the cage because he has hygiene problems.
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Dr. John Dolittle
You know how to do CPR?
Rat #2
CPR? I can't even spell it!
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Dr. John Dolittle
[John plays rehab counselor to an alcoholic monkey from the circus] ... The problem with your equilibrium might be due to an inner ear infection...
[the monkey grunts, belches, and produces a small empty bottle]
Dr. John Dolittle
... Or it may be due to THIS.
French Monkey
I'm a social drinker. Ha ha.
[grunts]
French Monkey
Very social. Ha ha.
[belches]
Dr. John Dolittle
I think you're wasted. Nobody likes a drunk monkey.
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[Lucky is looking out of a car window]
Lucky
Oh, I'm so dizzy. All I see is line, line, line line.
Dr. John Dolittle
So look somewhere else.
Lucky
Okay. Tree, tree, tree tree.
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Lucky
What's he doing with that?
Dr. John Dolittle
You don't want to know.
Lucky
Just don't let him stick that thing up my... HELLO!
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Lucky
A little girl once called me "Please mommy, not him."
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Dr. John Dolittle
...You're suffering from obsessive-compulsive behavior...
Dr. John Dolittle
When you want the ball, think about something else...
Compulsive Dog
Don't say anything more! Throw the ball!
Dr. John Dolittle
You need to relax your mind...
Compulsive Dog
You're the person. You throw the ball. I'm the dog. I get it. Simple as that. I swear, I'll pee on your carpet. Please, please, please, throw the ball. Shut up and throw the ball. Am I alone here? Am I all by myself? Am I in ANOTHER UNIVERSE?
Lucky
THROW THE DAMN BALL!
[John resignedly does so]
Compulsive Dog
He threw the ball! Oh, he threw the ball! I'll get it! I'll get it! I love you! I love you! You threw the ball...!
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Baby Gator
[just hatched, looks at Rodney] Mama?
Rodney
Mama, I'm not ya mama.
Baby Gator
[to Lucky] Mama?
Lucky
Oh, no, don't look at me... Well, there was this one time I got drunk in the Everglades...
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Sheep
[upon entering the doctor's house] Beep, beep, we're the sheep!
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Rodney
[Rodney's cage is strapped to the top of John's Range-Rover, which is cruising down the highway]
... Come on, Doc! I'm getting whisker-whipped up here! Hey - this is cruel to animals!
Dr. John Dolittle
One more word, and I'm letting you out! I'll leave you in the wild! With the REAL animals! See how much talk you do when squirrels are kickin' your ass in!
Rodney
Fine, then I'll just sing!
[proceeds to sing Bob Dylan's "Blowin' In the Wind," way out of tune]
Rodney
..."The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind..."
Dr. John Dolittle
SHUT UP!
[turns the radio way up]
Dr. John Dolittle
I can't hear you! I'm groovin'!
Rodney
...Why do they call me "guinea pig," anyway? I'm not Italian, and I'm not pork...!
Dr. John Dolittle
SHUT UP, I SAID!
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[after performing CPR on a rat, the rat farts]
Dr. John Dolittle
He just had gas
Rat #2
Whoa! you're telling me!
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Dr. John Dolittle
[to a 26-year-old intern who has summoned him to the hospital at 2 AM to deal with a difficult patient]
... You spend all your time here, right? Probably grab your naps curled up in the break room; Little occasional nookie with one of the interns in the closet. But I have a real life, and I'd appreciate it if you only call me down here when there's a REAL emergency. If one of my patients comes in carrying his own head, call me. If somebody comes in with a bicycle halfway up their ass, call me.
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Lucky
...Just like his dad wanted, John Dolittle grew up to be a normal and regular guy - you know, miserable.
Dr. John Dolittle
[John emerges from his apartment to get his newspaper; he notices a stray puppy in the hallway]
Hey, get out of here!
[the puppy wimpers and takes a squirt right there in the hallway. John yells inside]
Dr. John Dolittle
Hey, there's a vicious animal in the hallway!
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Dr. Mark Weller
John, do me a favor. Don't ever confide in me. I'm utterly useless in these areas. I'm really a very self-absorbed man.
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Dr. John Dolittle
How come I can hear you talking?
Lucky
I dunno. Maybe you're just weird or something.
Dr. John Dolittle
Shut up. You're a dog. DOGS CANNOT TALK.
Lucky
What the hell do you think barking is, an involuntary spasm?
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Tiger
[Jake the Tiger is about to be taken, by John and Lucky, to the hospital for an operation]
... Wait a minute. The dog gets to ride up front?
Lucky
Stop looking at me like I'm a side dish.
Tiger
Don't flatter yourself.
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Dr. John Dolittle
[driving back to San Francisco from his father's home]
... Hi, Sam! I was just on my way into town; I wondered if you might want to get together for a drink or a CAT scan or something.
Dr. Sam Litvack
John, it's 1:00 in the morning. Can't it wait until dawn?
'I Love You' Dog
[John pulls up alongside another car; the huge, sad-looking dog in its passenger-seat gazes over at him]
... *I LOVE YOU.*
Dr. John Dolittle
...No it can't, Sam. I have to come over right now.
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Maya Dolittle
[Lucky has conned John into taking him to Camp Hawkeye as a pet for Kyla]
... Does he do any tricks?
Dr. John Dolittle
He does a neat trick with a thermometer that's funny.
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Dr. John Dolittle
[John is acting as a marriage counsellor to a couple of pigeons]
... It's not something you should be ashamed of. It happens to most men occasionally. You're probably under a lot of pressure.
Female Pigeon
He's not under pressure. He's not atracted to me, because I'm just a pigeon. He's a self-hating pigeon... As him what he does all day... He sits in a tree by himself - because he's too good to eat with the rest of us, when the old people feed us in the park. And the way he stares at a robin's breasts, it's enough to make you sick.
Male Pigeon
I happen to be attracted to orange breasts.
Female Pigeon
[to her husband]
You're not a robin, or a dove, or a hawk. You're a pigeon, and I'm a pigeon...
Male Pigeon
[to John]
She sits on the nest all day and gets crazy.
Female Pigeon
...With three eggs, and they're gonna be pigeons, too.
[flies off]
Male Pigeon
[to John]
May I ask you something? If I turn THIS way, don't I look a LITTLE like a blue jay?
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Dr. John Dolittle
I didn't say you were crazy, you're special, and crazy, a lot of great people in history were crazy.
Maya Dolittle
Like who?
Dr. John Dolittle
Some of the greatest people in history. Albert Einstein, he came in with that wild hair and everybody thought he was crazy. And Muhammad Ali, he came out saying what rounds he was going to beat people in, going "I'm the greatest!", everybody thought he was crazy. And Joan of Arc, she heard voices.
Maya Dolittle
Like you, Daddy?
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Lucky
[having tracked John all the way to the Hammersmith Retreat]
... I crossed three freeways to get here - at NIGHT, no less - and all you can say is "What are you doing here?"
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Lucky
You're unbelievable. I cross three parkways at night, no less, to come to rescue you, and all I get is "What are you doing here?"
Dr. John Dolittle
This isn't a prison, it's a clinic.
Lucky
Look, the tiger's in bad shape.
Dr. John Dolittle
The tiger? Hey, listen, forget the tiger! Let me tell you something. I had a perfect life until you came along and started talkin' to me. Now I'm sittin' in a robe and slippers discussin' "Mister Ed" with these guys. You've ruined my life enough. I don't wanna talk to you anymore. Just get outta here, please? Go! This is crazy!
Lucky
Oh, I get it: now it's crazy to wanna save a tiger's life.
Dr. John Dolittle
Look, tigers die everyday. It's called nature.
Lucky
Well, let me tell you a little something about nature. I'm a dog, and I act like a dog. I don't try to be anybody else. We are who we are, and you are a doctor who can talk to animals. That's who you are.
Lucky
Stop lying to yourself!
Dr. John Dolittle
[his anger rising by the second]
Didn't I tell you to get outta here? Get outta here! Go! Get outta here!
Dr. John Dolittle
Quit comin' around and talkin' to me!
Dr. John Dolittle
YOU BETTER NOT COME BACK! AAAGH!
Lucky
Bonehead.
[goes on his way]
Dr. John Dolittle
[shouting to no animal in particular]
THAT MEANS ALL OF Y'ALL! LEAVE ME ALONE! STOP TALKIN' TO ME!
Lucky
Ruined his life. That's a laugh.
Dr. John Dolittle
AAAGH! AAAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAGH!
[after he finishes shouting, he goes back inside where the two other guys are standing there confused]
Dr. John Dolittle
AAAAGH!
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Maya Dolittle
[Her pet guinea pig is missing]
Dad, you HAVE to find Rodney.
Dr. John Dolittle
Sure, I'll find your rat.
Maya Dolittle
He's a guinea pig.
Dr. John Dolittle
Whatever; they're both rodents. I'll find your rodent; I'll put down some of that sticky paper for him.
Maya Dolittle
No, not that!
Dr. John Dolittle
It'll be fine; you peel him right off it, and he'll live.
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Squirrel #1
...Bagel chips!
Squirrel #2
Back off, or you'll find your nuts in a tree!
Squirrel #1
Ow! Where's the love?
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Raccoon
[In the middle of the night, John goes into his father's kitchen to get a drink of water... and promptly regrets it] ... Can I make a request? Tuna in OIL instead of WATER?
Crow
Hey, who put in that bug-zapper?
[John charges outside]
Possum
Yo, looky here. Hey, buddy. My old lady asks, I been eating trash all night. You dig?
[John accidentally steps on a Skunk]
Skunk
Yah! You're on my tail, you idiot... You broke Mr. Stinky, I think.
[John flees to his Range-Rover]
Raccoon
Doc, while you're out, get some salmon. You can't go wrong with salmon.
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Pig
[Various animals are pouring into John's apartment] ... Good evening, Doctor.
Dr. John Dolittle
...No. You're gonna have to take your fat ass back out.
Penguin
Oh, my God. What a zoo.
Pig
Hmm, obviously not a kosher establishment.
Rooster
Where are the chicks? Ooh! I'm cool.
Pig
[belches] ... Very well-appointed sty.
Dr. John Dolittle
What's going on? What is all this?
Owl
I don't know. You know, tell a friend. Ha ha.
Lucky
Looks like they need to talk to a doctor, Doc.
Sheep
Our butts hurt.
Dr. John Dolittle
Okay. Let's do this. And watch your droppings.
Rodney
Tonight, this is the house of love! East Coast! West Coast! Let's unite! Is Brooklyn in the house...?
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Dr. John Dolittle
...This should take care of the inflammation. The only problem is, who'll wipe it on for you?
Goat
Does Brad Pitt need a goat?
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Lucky
Hi, I'm Lucky! It works on two levels, I love it!
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Lady
[to her dog] Lie down, Chauncey. Lie down. Lie down, Chauncey!
[to John]
Lady
He's deaf.
Chauncey
I'm not deaf. I just can't stand listening to her.
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[John is about to operate on the Tiger]
Dr. John Dolittle
He said he's afraid.
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Rodney
Ooh, man - you scared the crap out of me. See? There it is.
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Tiger
[atop an observatory]
... And now, on the day I end it all, I'd like to leave Margaret the bearded lady my rhinestone collar and my wet-dry shaver. I'd like to leave Jack the midget nothing. It's too late for you, Jack. You're a short...
[John's Range-Rover pulls up at the main entrance, far below. With John are Lucky and both of the Rats]
Tiger
... Hey, get out of there! You're in my landing space!
Lucky
[following John up to confront the tiger]
... Coming right up - one order of man, side of dog.
Tiger
Good-bye, cruel world. Oh no, I just remembered. I wanted to leave the whip to the baboon. One of the few animals which enjoy that kind of thing.
Dr. John Dolittle
[attempts to talk the tiger out of jumping from the observatory]
Hey, whoa. Take it easy now... Remember that song "Eye of the Tiger," from ROCKY 3? When Rocky was fighting Mr. T, couldn't beat him - then Apollo Creed played "Eye of the Tiger" for him. Rocky beat the snot out of Mr. T because of "Eye of the Tiger." Because that song moved Rocky inside...
[He sings the song, way out of tune, to demonstrate]
Dr. John Dolittle
... Not Eye of the Moose, not Eye of the Bull, Eye of the TIGER.
Tiger
That's it. I'm jumping.
Dr. John Dolittle
Listen, I'm a doctor. Maybe I can help you. If I can't, then you can eat me AND Lucky.
Lucky
Or just him.
Tiger
All right. I just hope you're a better doctor than you are a singer.
Lucky
Good job, Doc. Although, seeing a tiger jump 5 stories would have been really cool.
Tiger
I heard that.
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Dr. John Dolittle
...Your daughter's turning into a little wise-ass.
Lisa Dolittle
Worse. She's turning into a little YOU.
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Dr. John Dolittle
Hey, give me a break. I saved your life.
Rat #1
That's yesterday's news. Take a hike. You want gratitude? Get a hamster!
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Dr. John Dolittle
No, I didn't. The van's around the corner. But don't tell me you don't care about money.
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Lisa Dolittle
[John has just been talking to an owl when Lisa joins him outside]
Oh, my goodness - It's an owl.
Dr. John Dolittle
Yeah - it's a big, nasty owl. Let's go in.
Lisa Dolittle
It's beautiful.
Dr. John Dolittle
They're very dangerous: they can poke your eye out; take your finger off very easily... all of that.
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Archer Dolittle
[to Lisa and Maya, the latter of whom has resolved to give up her experiments and be more like John]
... John's always been able to talk with animals. I used to think it was a handicap, but it's not; it's a gift. Sometimes, daddies are the ones who need to change.
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Woman
Need some help?
Dr. John Dolittle
Oh, no, I'm - we're - we're fine. I'm just stretching my legs a little here.
Rodney
Ask her if she's got any lettuce.
Dr. John Dolittle
Shut your mouth. Shut your furry little mouth right now!
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Astigmatic Police Horse
[having shown himself to John's apartment] ... Is there a doctor in the house...? They're gonna kick me off the force. I'm as blind as a bat. Can you help me?
[and later, after John has corrected his vision]
Astigmatic Police Horse
... Holy road apples! I can see! No desk job for me! Thanks a million, Doc. This is gonna be great. I'll make lieutenant. Nothing can stop me, nothing - Look a that, a doughnut shop...!
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[after he starts hearing animal voices]
Dr. John Dolittle
Those guys in my dorm told me that stuff wouldn't mess me up, now fifteen years later, this shit happens!
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Dr. John Dolittle
[to fellow doctor Sam Litvack]
... I don't want to wind up like one of those street guys: talking to myself; with dirt under my fingernails; stinking; with my hair all matted. It's not a cool look.
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Dr. Mark Weller
...John, Gene has got qualms about the new proposal.
Dr. Gene 'Geno' Reiss
I'm worried that, if we let a big company like Calnet take us over, we're not gonna be us anymore. We'd be - THEM.
Dr. John Dolittle
Let me explain something: THEM has the best hospitals and laboratories; and THEM is gonna pay us a very big, giant amount of money.
Dr. Mark Weller
When I think about the money, I get teary... Saturday morning, we're meeting the Calnet people.
Dr. John Dolittle
Whoa. I'm supposed to take my family to the country this weekend.
Dr. Mark Weller
Well, don't.
Dr. Gene 'Geno' Reiss
You see, it's happening already: you're being forced to neglect your family.
Dr. Mark Weller
Gene, relax. No such thing. OK, Saturday morning. And Gene - no tank tops, please.
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Lisa Dolittle
...There's more to this HMO deal than money. You sell, they own you.
Dr. John Dolittle
Lisa, this is gonna be good for us.
Lisa Dolittle
I'm so tired of that rap. It's always for US, but sometimes I don't know who US *IS!*
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Maya Dolittle
Grandpa, did Daddy learn how to be bossy from you?
Archer Dolittle
He certainly didn't learn it from his mother, God rest her soul.
[John's Range-Rover drives up, with Rodney's cage strapped to the roof]
Maya Dolittle
Daddy, what's Rodney doing on the roof?
Dr. John Dolittle
I thought the fresh air would do him good.
Rodney
Lunatic! Crazy man! Psycho!
Dr. John Dolittle
[looks at Rodney murderously]
... Daddy, we still got those BB guns I used to play with when I was little?
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Rat #1
[John has just arrived at the home of his old friend, Sam Litvack, for a CAT scan]
... What's your problem?
Rat #2
Your face.
Rat #1
I'll hit you so hard, you'll see 10 more of me.
Rat #2
It already SMELLS like 10 more of you. So just bring it on, cheese-eater... Hey, you gerbil!
Rat #1
[They both notice John staring at them for the first time]
... What are YOU looking at?
Dr. John Dolittle
I'm just looking at a couple of greasy rats fighting over some garbage.
Rat #2
Come HERE and say that, you 4-eyed bubble-headed doofus biped! I'll get bubonic on your ass!
Dr. John Dolittle
What if I take that light bulb there, and put it between your little rat butt cheeks, and make a little rodent lamp out of you?
[notices that Sam Litvack has joined him]
Dr. John Dolittle
... I'm sorry, Sam; how are you?
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Blaine Hammersmith
[John has been admitted to the "retreat" of his old medical school-nemesis, Blain]
... John Dolittle. Who would have ever thought YOU would end up in a mental institution? Number one in our medical school class. Not that I'm jealous, John. Someone had to finish first.
Dr. John Dolittle
Someone had to finish last, too.
Blaine Hammersmith
So, John... You talk to animals now, do you? Would you like to tell me about it? Or would you rather tell my friend here - Bettelheim?
Dr. John Dolittle
I don't need to talk to your cat, Blain.
Blaine Hammersmith
Why, do you think he would talk back to you?
Dr. John Dolittle
He just might.
Blaine Hammersmith
And what would he say?
Bettleheim the Cat
I'd say Blain Hammersmith was a butthead.
Dr. John Dolittle
I really like this cat.
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Dr. John Dolittle
[Lucky walks in on an intimate moment between John and Lisa]
... Oh, Mrs. Dolittle...!
Lucky
Yeah, baby!
[to Lucky]
Dr. John Dolittle
Let's go.
Lucky
What a gyp.
Dr. John Dolittle
You mind if I have a little privacy, please?
Lucky
But it's fine when people watch us dogs do it, huh?
[John shuts the door on him; he continues]
Lucky
... Fine to turn on the garden hose. Hey, you want a tip on a good position...?
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Dr. Mark Weller
[gushing - again - about the prospective Calnet merger]
... You're not gonna believe what I got for us, John: corporate cars every two years.
Dr. John Dolittle
[referring to how they've lost touch with what's really important]
Hey, Mark... Do you remember when we first started out? We had those crummy offices, at the worst neighborhood in town. We got paid almost no money.
Dr. Mark Weller
I've blocked it out.
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German Shepherd
No! Don't fix me! DON'T fix me! I'll never look at another female ever, I swear! Just don't take my manhood, man! Anything but my ma...
[he sees a Lassie-esque border collie walk past]
German Shepherd
Yo baby wassup, you lookin' pretty sweet there sugar.
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Pound Dog
I am Kyser Soze.
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Dr. Fish
I have to interpret *why* the dog is whining. He can't tell me.
Lucky
What's to tell? There's a thermometer! It's in my butt!
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Dr. John Dolittle
[Trying to keep the Tiger from jumping off a tower]
There's been plenty of great tigers.
Tiger
Oh yeah? Name one
Lucky
How about Tony?
Dr. John Dolittle
Tony the cereal tiger?
Lucky
Well I didn't hear you come up with anything.
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Archer Dolittle
He can Lisa. He *can* talk to animals. It started when he was young. I thought it was a handicap. But it's a gift Lisa
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Rodney
Somebody get the license plate number. I have just been violated!
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[first lines]
Lucky
[narrating]
You know, they say the great thing about being a kid is, it's so easy to pretend. You can have a conversation with your dog or a baseball or a banana. Well, what if wasn't pretend? What if you could have a conversation. I mean, not with a baseball or a banana - that's ridiculous, but - but with your dog?
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[last lines]
Lucky
I want my own room, with a TV. Basic cable will be fine.
Rat #1
I hate stories with happy endings.
Owl
Yoo-hoo.
Rat #1
What did you say?
Rat #2
I didn't say nothing.
Rat #1
Then who?
Owl
[squawks and takes flight]
Rat #1
Ahhh! Run! Run for your lives! Oh my God! Let's go, buddy.
Rat #2
I don't want to die. I'm too young to die! Hang a left! No, hang a right! Look out for the traffic! Oh, legs, do your thing. Get out of my way!
Rat #1
This circle of life really stinks!
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Dr. John Dolittle
I'm not gonna chill.
Rodney
You gonna chill.
[Dr. Dolittle grabs his cage and removes it from the car]
Rodney
Uh, what are you doing, switching sides?
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5-Year-Old John Dolittle
She was my best friend.
Archer Dolittle
You'll make some real friends now.
Archer Dolittle
Someday, you're gonna thank me for this.
Lucky
[narrating]
And after a while, all he could remember was that deep down inside, there was something missing.
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Dr. John Dolittle
Yeah, once in medical school. But it was to a cadaver. But my professor told me I did such a good job that, had my patient not been dead, he would've lived.
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Male Pigeon
The heart of a hawk! The heart of a hawk! The heart of a hawk!
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Owl
[to the other animals]
And not only could he understand me, but it turns out he's a doctor! Look, not even a scar! And it hurt so bad. I don't know what I would have done without him.
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Tiger
I just might hang myself by my underpants! I can get underpants! Well, not really.
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Reverend
Leave this boy, devil man! Go now, Satan, take the serpent's voices with ya! I command you to come out of this boy! Come on out of this boy! God said it! Come on out of this boy!
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Dr. John Dolittle
Oh, really? Why is that?
Rat #2
'Cause you're the man. You're the man.
Dr. John Dolittle
Oh, I'm the man now. I thought I was the guy the other day that you wanted to get bubonic with.
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Dr. John Dolittle
[annoyed that Maya is pestering him about an egg]
I don't know what all the fuss is about. We went and bought you that thing anyway. You got a pet. What was that pet rat thing that we bought?
Maya Dolittle
Maya Dolittle, Lisa Dolittle, Charisse Dolittle: A guinea pig.
Dr. John Dolittle
We got you the guinea rat, and the thing died. It's not our fault that it died.
Maya Dolittle
It didn't die. His name is Rodney, and he's in my room.
Dr. John Dolittle
So why are you bothering me about this swan? I'm going to work. I'm out of here. Good-bye.
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Rodney
[regarding Dr. Dolittle]
I ain't listenin' to him. Comin' home empty-handed! Don't tell me there wasn't a gift shop at the loony bin.
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Dr. John Dolittle
What are you doin' here?
Lucky
You're unbelievable. I crossed three freeways at night no less, to come to rescue you, and all I get is, "what are you doing here?"
Dr. John Dolittle
This isn't a prison, it's a clinic.
Lucky
Look, the tigers in bad shape.
Dr. John Dolittle
The tiger? Hey listen. Forget the tiger. You know let me tell you somethin'. I had a perfect life until you came along and started talkin' to me. Now I'm sitting here in a robe and slippers discussin' Mister Ed with these guys. You ruined my life enough. I don't want to talk to you anymore. Go away. Just get out of here, please. Go, this is crazy.
Lucky
Oh, I get it. Now it's crazy to want to save a tiger's life.
Dr. John Dolittle
Listen, tigers die everyday, it's called nature.
Lucky
Let me tell you a little about nature. I'm a dog and I act like a dog. I don't try to be anybody else. We are who we are and you are a doctor who can talk to animals. That's who you are.
Dr. John Dolittle
That is not who I am.
Lucky
Stop lying to yourself.
Dr. John Dolittle
Didn't I tell you to get out of here? Get out of here! Go! Get out of here! Get out of here!
Dr. John Dolittle
Stop coming around here and talkin' to me!
Lucky
With pleasure.
Dr. John Dolittle
You better not come back!
[Starts shouting]
Lucky
Bonehead.
Dr. John Dolittle
[dolittle starts shouting at the top of his lungs]
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Lucky
Be Who You Are!
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