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Kinoafisha TV Shows The Simpsons Quotes

The Simpsons quotes

Lisa Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.
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Homer I hope I didn't brain my damage.
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Marge Homer, it's easy to criticize.
Homer Fun, too.
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Marge Sitting that close to the TV is bad for your health.
Homer Talking to me while I'm watching TV is bad for your health.
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Homer [after doing or saying something stupid] D'oh!
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Homer Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.
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Bart Dad, I can't believe you're risking my life to save your own.
Homer Son, you'll understand one day, when you have kids.
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Elf Welcome to Santa's Village, where it's Christmas everyday! Closed on Christmas.
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Ralph Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!
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[Lisa is strangling Bart]
Homer Lisa, no. Your hands are too weak.
[begins strangling Bart]
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Homer Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
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Mr. Burns Smithers, release the hounds.
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Ned Flanders You know, a man came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar, and I accidentally gave him three quarters. Took me all afternoon just to track him down.
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Chief Wiggum [shopping for his wife at a women's clothing store] My wife's looking for something that doesn't make her look like a horse, so, I'm gonna be here for a while
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Mr. Burns [Giving a talk to inspire the school] Okay, I'm going to keep this short. Friends, family, religion. These are the demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Any questions?
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Homer Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.
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Mr. Burns Whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a NEW Mexico?
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Homer [Comforting] There, there. Shut up boy.
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Bart Ay, carumba!
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Homer Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
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Ned Flanders Hi-diddly-ho, neighbourino!
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Bart [slapping Lisa] Don't hit Maggie. She's just a baby.
Homer [slapping Bart] Don't hit Lisa. She's a girl.
Grampa [slapping Homer] Keep your hands off of him Homer!
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Barney I'm just saying that when we die, there'll be a planet for the French, a planet for the Germans, and we'll all be a lot happier!
Lisa Mr Gumble, you're upsetting me!
Barney No I'm not!
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Marge Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.
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Homer Its been three days and my mind is clearer, my sperm count is up and I'm able to recognise simple shapes and patterns.
Lisa Dad, you just said that three minutes ago.
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Homer Take that, Lisa's beliefs!
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Homer Ahh, now to spend some quality time away from my family.
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Homer Oh, kids are great! You can teach them to hate what you hate!
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Homer Boy, everyone is stupid except me.
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Agnes Skinner You failed, Seymour. What is it with you and failure?
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Homer Hi Fat Tony! Still in the Mafia?
Fat Tony Er, yes, Homer. Thanks for asking.
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Marge What do you do, follow my Husband around?
Hot Dog Vendor Lady, he's putting my kids through College!
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Milhouse Mrs Krabappel? How will we know if we fall in love?
Mrs. Krabappel Don't worry children. Most of you will never fall in love, but will marry out of fear of dying alone!
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Moe Oh boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me.
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Marge Not the swear jar! It's the only thing holding back the filth!
[Swear jar breaks]
Marge Nuttyfudgekins!
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Marge You should probably see a doctor about this...
Homer OK.
Marge [realizing] A competent doctor.
Homer D'oh!
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Grampa Ah, my first kiss! I remember it like it was yesterday!
[a thought bubble appears and fills up with static]
Grampa Uh-oh.
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Comic Book Guy That was from a Dream Sequence! It never really happened.
Bart None of these things ever really happened!
Comic Book Guy Get out of my Store!
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Homer [Gasps] You mean the Mafia only did me a favour to get something in return? I will say Good Day to you, Sir!
Fat Tony [Thoroughly ashamed] Okay, I will go.
[Leaves through the fire exit]
Fat Tony Hey, wait a minute!
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Kent Brockman So, Senator, tell our viewers why they should vote for you?
Kang [Bioduplicated to look like the Senator] It makes no difference who you vote for! Either way your Planet is Doomed! Doomed!
Kent Brockman Well, a refreshingly honest response there from Senator Bob Dole!
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Bart Eat my shorts.
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Bart Lisa made me do it. She cast a witch's spell on me.
Lisa It's spelled Wicca, and it's empowering.
Bart Wicca is just a Hollywood fad.
Lisa That's Kabbala, jerk.
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[repeated line]
Mr. Burns Excellent.
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Krusty the Clown We're going to drop him out of a helicopter and see what happens!
[Pats Mr. Teeny]
Krusty the Clown Aw, don't worry. Nothing's going to happen to you, Mr. Teeny Number 7.
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Homer [Homer is a Bounty Hunter] Stop in the name of a Private Citizen with no connection to the Law!
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Homer [Defending himself in Court] If these Celebrities didn't want people going through their garbage or saying they're Gay, they should not have expressed themselves creatively...
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Hans Moleman This is Moleman in the Morning. Good Moleman to you! And now, continuing the series on the terrible pain in which I live every day...
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Krusty the Clown Talk to the audience? Oh, this part is always death.
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Marge There's no shame in being a pariah.
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Marge [cage-fighting] I don't want to sound like a killjoy, but because this is not to my taste I don't think anyone else should be allowed to enjoy it.
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Principal Skinner There's no justice like angry-mob justice.
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Homer You wouldn't understand, Dad, you're not with it!
Grampa I was with it once! And then they changed what it was! And now what I'm with isn't it and what's it seems weird and scary to me! And it'll happen to you!
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Homer [Blundering into the Everyman Casting Session] Hello, can I have change for a dollar? Also, can I have a dollar?
Comic Book Guy [Sees Homer as Everyman] You. Are. Acceptable!
Homer Great, would you like to see me naked?
Hollywood Casting Lady Oh, there's no nudity in this movie.
Homer What movie?
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Nurse Dr. Nick, the Coroner would like to see you.
Dr. Nick Riviera The Coroner! I'm so sick of that guy...
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Krusty the Clown You, sir, are an idiot.
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Homer [proud of the Bear patrol] Not a Bear in sight! The Bear patrol is working like a charm.
Lisa That's specious reasoning, Dad.
Homer Thank you, honey.
Lisa By that logic, I could say this rock keeps tigers away!
Homer Oh yeah, how does it work?
Lisa It doesn't. It's just a stupid rock! But I don't see any tigers around here, do you?
Homer Lisa, I'd like to buy your rock...
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[repeated lines]
Homer Shut up, Flanders!
Ned Flanders Okily-dokily!
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Principal Skinner Mrs Krabappel is in Portland. It turns out the people she hired to deprogram her sister out of that Cult were an even worse Cult.
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Homer I see the light... it burns!
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Care Home Nurse [having sabotaged a computer game system] Well excuse us for making the worst job in the World a little easier. The terrible pay, the constant presence of Death.
Lisa But you can't stop them from having their fun!
Care Home Nurse They should have had their fun before they got here!
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Marge [Bart is in an asylum after faking sociopathy to get back at his parents for testing him for it] How could he go so wrong!
Homer We did everything we could for him during the commercials!
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Homer Oh no, Aliens! Well, I suppose you want to probe me, might as well get it over with.
Kang Stop!
[Tentacles quiver]
Kang We've reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us...
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Homer Marge, can I go out and play?
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Homer Hey, Weiner Boy... where do you think you're going?
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Homer Lousy Smarch weather.
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Homer Oh Lisa, your Mother used to suggest ways for me to improve myself all the time too. But then a little piece of her died, and she stopped being so annoying.
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Homer What's the matter, can't you afford an icecream?
Kid Yes, but I'm lactose intolerant.
Homer Son, I will not stand for intolerance!
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Robert Goulet Are you sure this is the casino? Mr. Burns' Casino? I think I should call my manager...
Nelson Your manager says for you to shut up!
Robert Goulet Vera said that?
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Ralph Your hair is tall and pretty!
Marge Thank you Ralph!
[puts her hand on his shoulder]
Marge You really are a nice young gentleman.
Ralph Ah! She's touching my special area.
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Bart Don't have a cow, man.
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Marge We don't have room for another child.
Homer We'll let Bart sleep in Lisa's room until he leaves home.
Marge Won't that warp him?
Homer It didn't warp my Uncle Frank.
Marge What happened to him?
Homer He joined that Cult. I think he's Mother Shabooboo now.
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Superintendent Chalmers I'm a public servant, Seymour, I'm not allowed to use my own judgement in any way whatsoever.
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Superintendent Chalmers [On Grampa Simpson's advice, Bart has kissed Nikki] Today we are gathered to put a stop to something that would have been considered innocent 100 years ago, but which in today's litigious society has been blown completely out of proportion.
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Milhouse [sitting in a fighter plane's cockpit at the school fair] Pow, pow, pow! Take that Mom and Dad! Send me to a child psychiatrist, will you?
[the ejector seat goes off and sends him flying]
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Homer Wait, what did my Dad always say?
Grampa [Memory bubble] If you can't build a robot, be a robot!
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Hans Moleman There is no escape from the Kingdom of the Moles! Well, except that.
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Reverend Lovejoy Have you ever thought about one of the other major religions, Ned? They're all just as good...
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Kent Brockman [in front of a mugshot of HRH Queen Elizabeth II] And the Queen will be held without bail until the sample is returned.
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Bart I'm done working. Working is for chumps.
Homer Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.
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Marge We've got to get you away from these violent influences and into Church!
Reverend Lovejoy And then the Belshazzemites did PIERCE the eyes of their foes and feasted upon what flowed thereforth.
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Marge Nelson's a troubled little boy. He needs to be isolated. From everyone!
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Homer [to Marge] I toil not on ye Sabbath, Woman. A pox on thee!
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Nelson I feel like such a tool.
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Ned Flanders' Mother [getting Ned some therapy] We've tried nothing and we're out of ideas!
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Homer I'm a simple man! I love America, and films where murder is legal one night of the year...
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Homer Name me one person who overcame adversity just on his own!
Marge Balzac!
Homer No need for pottymouth just because you can't think of anyone.
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Principal Skinner Despite all the Ritalin, Bart has moved on to drugs...
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Sideshow Mel [dressed as a caveman with a bone through his green hair] My opinions are as valid as the next man's!
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Principal Skinner [over the school's PA system] Students, I have an announcement. One of your favourite comic book heroes, Radio Man...
Nelson Radioactive Man, stupid!
Principal Skinner Strange. I shouldn't have been able to hear that.
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Lisa History is written by the winners, Dad.
Homer I thought it was written by losers.
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Homer Lisa's with writers, now. The happiest people in the World!
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Care Home Resident Take my room-mate away, he's dead!
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Bill Cosby You see, kids today listen to the rap music, which gives them the brain damage, with their hippin' and their hoppin' and their bippin' and their boppin', so they don't know what the jazz is all about. You see jazz is like jello pudding, actually it's more like Kodak film. No, jazz is like the New Coke, it'll be around forever, heh-heh-heh.
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Marge [protesting, sees Homer go in] Mr. Scalper, a ticket please!
Scalper I am not a Scalper, I am a dude whose 200 friends did not show up.
[sells her a ticket]
Mrs Lovejoy Now what do we do?
Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon Let's talk about Marge behind her back!
Mrs Hibbert Have you noticed her baby never says a thing?
Luanne I'll bet it saw something awful!
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Milhouse I'm tired of being a star, it's a sham! The real heroes are out there working on more important things!
Bart Television.
Milhouse No, curing cancer and solving world hunger!
Bart But they haven't solved anything! Cancer and world hunger are still rampant. Those do-gooders are a bunch of pitiful losers!
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[repeated line]
Mr. Burns Ahoy-hoy?/!
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Dr. Nick Riviera [reading Gray's Anatomy] My God! That woman's swallowed a baby!
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Swedish Barman [Bart's telephone prank] If I ever find you, I will thank you for teaching me the futility of all Human Endeavour...
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Scientist Let's not listen.
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Moe You know, they say there's someone for everybody
[on the other side of the World, Moe's Soulmate hangs herself]
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[repeated line]
Bart Bart, Lisa: AAAAAAH! SIDESHOW BOB!
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Bart I'm not bad, I just make bad decisions.
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Mr. Burns Bolshevism! Sheer Bolshevism! Ripe for the quashing!
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Apu [Homer's triple bypass] Poor Mr. Simpson! I wonder if my Kwikie Mart is in any way connected to his wretched Health?
Customer Could I have five packs of salted jerky, please?
Apu Would you like some Vodka with that?
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Homer [Johnny Newspaperseed Museum] If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
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Boxcar Hobo Don't worry! I'm not a Stabbin' Hobo, I'm a Singin' Hobo! I Stab all day/ and I Stab all night/ Stabbin' 'em all up/ with my Stabbin' Stabbin' Knife...
Marge Could you sing something less unsettling?
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Superintendent Chalmers [Vaudeville] What I am asking you is "Who's on first?"
Principal Skinner A man called Hoo is on First Base, whose name confusingly sounds like the question "Who?"
Superintendent Chalmers Well, Seymour, you have ruined the Act. Ya sexless freak.
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Marge I wish you wouldn't drink so much in front of the kids.
Homer I tried drinking in the pantry but you claimed that was antisocial.
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Mrs. Krabappel You're endangering the childrens' future!
Principal Skinner [too loud] Oh, come on Edna, you know as well as I that these kids HAVE no future! Ha! Prove me wrong, children!
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Homer Your suitcase is kinda light, Lisa.
Lisa Maybe you're getting stronger.
Homer Well, I have been eating more.
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Agnes Skinner 'Nuff talk, it's smashin' time.
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Cool New Teacher This school is a glorified hamster wheel! These stuffed suits can get you through a test, but you will fail the test of life!
Groundskeeper Willie [dragging him out] It's always the good ones that go crazy the fastest.
Cool New Teacher Alcohol is the only thing that makes life bearable! You must Drink, Always Drink!
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Dr. Nick Riviera [watching instructional surgery film] Ew, gross, blood!
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Marge [Bart is on Focusin and behaving] Oh, Bart, you're turning into the kind of boy every Mother wants! A girl!
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Ned Flanders [people are missing the point of Flanders' "Hell House"] No! His sin was thinking that women are beautiful!
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Troy McClure l hate every ape I see
Troy McClure From chimpanA to chimpanZ
Troy McClure So you'll never make
Troy McClure A monkey out of me!
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Homer Immigrants are the glue that hold together the gears of our society.
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Italian Pizza Chef Mr Hopkins, so sorry, but tonight your pizza, she can't be done.
Anthony Hopkins ...Damn you.
[Raises fist]
Anthony Hopkins DAMN YOU TO HELL!
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Moe I am so Not British! Don't let my pasty face and rotten teeth fool ya!
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Dr Hibbert [Simpson and Son's Rejuvenating Tonic] It turns out the aphrodisiac effect is a mild form of poisoning! Caused no doubt by the unsanitary conditions in Grandpa Simpsons Bathtub. But, still...
[drinks some]
Dr Hibbert Heh-heh-heh!
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Horst [the new German owners of the power plant have not yet decided whether to keep Homer on] You've been safety inspector for two years now. What initiatives have you spearheaded in that time?
Homer Uh... all of them.
Horst [Horst and Hans glance at one another] I... see. Then you must have some good ideas for the future as well?
Homer I sure do!
Hans [after Homer fails to elaborate] Such as?
Homer Well, er... well, I wish the candy machine wasn't so picky about taking beat-up dollar bills.
[Hans and Horst exchange another look, this time Homer picks up on it and begins to squirm under their glare]
Homer Because... a lot of workers really like candy.
Horst We understand Homer. After all, we are from the land of chocolate.
Homer Mmmmm... the land of chocolate.
[Homer starts daydreaming about living in a world of chocolate until Hans' voice jolts him out of it]
Hans Mr Simpson? Mr Simpson?
Homer Oh, I'm sorry. We were talking about chocolate.
Horst [irritably] That was ten minutes ago.
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Mr Van Houten [sighs] You know why all this happened, don't you? Because I took my marriage for granted. You know in twelve years, I never once helped out with the housework.
Homer Oh yeah, you got to do that.
Mr Van Houten I could have at least stayed in shape for her.
Homer Oh, and for yourself.
Mr Van Houten I could have taken just a little time to... to make her feel special.
Homer It can't just be sex! It can't!
Mr Van Houten God, I'm so self-centred! No wonder I didn't see it coming! That's how it is though - one day your wife is making you your favourite meal - the next day you're thawin' a hotdog in a gas station sink.
Homer Oh, that's tough, pal. But it's never gonna' happen to me.
Mr Van Houten Well, how do you know? What makes you guys so special?
Homer Cause' Marge and I have one thing that can never be broken - a strong marriage built on a solid foundation of routine.
[cuts to Homer returning to an empty house]
Homer Marge, I'm home. Where are you? Are you OK? I don't smell dinner.
[takes a note off the refrigerator door]
Homer "Dear Homer"... aw. "Sorry you didn't want to join me tonight. I've left you hotdogs for dinner. They're thawing in the sink".
[Homer sees them and screams]
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Cartoonist I started writing Children's Books because my Cartoon Strips were so filthy that not even the Adult Magazines would publish them.
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Therapist You hate your father, don't you?
Homer The guy I really hate right now is your father!
Therapist I'm sorry, I was just venting...
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Homer Moe, it seems to me that everytime I drink too much something like this always happens. Maybe I should...
Moe [Cramming beer down Homer's throat] Yeah, take your medicine, you lush, ya.
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Mrs Lovejoy [the Parson is coming] Please try and relax.
Reverend Lovejoy But he's like the Pope of this thing!
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Marge You can't keep doing this to yourself!
Homer I'm as Healthy as a Horse!
Marge Horses only live 30 years!
Homer [Whinnys]
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Homer They're DOGS and they're playing POKER! AH HA HA HA HA HA!
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Marge Okay, Smart Guy...
Bart Why do you only call me Smart when you're being sarcastic?
Marge Do I do that? I really shouldn't.
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Prison Warden Look at this painting of a Unicorn! What's it breathing? There's no air in space!
Homer There's an Air 'n Space Museum!
[Thrown out]
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Homer You'll have to climb the ladder boy.
Bart But I'm scared!
Homer Scared? What are we giving you all those meds for?
Bart So you can do less parenting?
Homer Ha! Babysitter in a bottle...
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Lurleen Lumpkin Oh Homer, no man has ever been this nice to me without... you know... wantin' somethin' in return.
Homer Well, I was gonna' ask you for a glass of water but now I feel kinda' guilty about it.
Lurleen Lumpkin [laughs] Homer, you're just a big sack of sugar.
Homer Thanks! You did say sugar, right?
Lurleen Lumpkin Uh huh.
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Fat Tony Take care of him.
Louie Do you mean "Take care of him" or "Take care of him"?
Fat Tony Take care of him.
Louie Now I don't know what to do, and if I do it wrong he'll take care of me!
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[repeated line]
Reverend Lovejoy Damn Flanders.
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Groundskeeper Willie Get yer Haggis! Sheep's Lungs and Heart boiled in the wee beast's stomach! Tastes as good as it sounds! Get it while it's hot! Ach!
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Milhouse [Disguised as Kirk] I'd like two milks, then tell us where babies come from.
Moe Well, in my case, my Mother was hit with a Voodoo Curse, I gestated for 15 months and came out backwards and on fire. Five days later my tail fell off. See? Good times.
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Ned Flanders Absotively Posolutely!
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Ned Flanders Science is like someone who tells you the end of a movie before you've watched it! I say there are some things we don't want to know! Important things!
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Kent Brockman So I guess you could say this barely qualifies as news...
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Principal Skinner [Not happy with the "Puma Pride" mural] The shapely female form has no place in Art!
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[repeated line]
Sideshow Bob Hello, Bart.
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[repeated line]
Mrs Lovejoy Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children!
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Homer What you Celebrities must understand is that we own you for life! And the second you're dead, you'll all be dancing around selling toilet cleaner.
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Homer Sanctuary!
Reverend Lovejoy Oh, why did I teach him that word?
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Homer Which is society's fault because...
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Homer [at a company picnic held at Mr Burns' mansion] Oh, boss. Look what we brought.
[holds up a jello mould]
Homer Gelatine desserts.
Mr. Burns [slaps his head] Oh, for the love of Peter. That's what everybody brought. Some damn fool
[Homer]
Mr. Burns went around telling everyone I love that slimy goop.
[motions to a whole collection of jello moulds]
Mr. Burns Well, toss it in the pile over there.
[grudgingly]
Mr. Burns And make yourselves at home.
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Moe We'll do this the same way they pick the Pope. Everyone take an egg from the jar, and whoever gets the black egg is the designated driver.
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Dr Hibbert We can't fix your heart, but thanks to modern technology we can tell you exactly how damaged it is!
Homer What an age we live in!
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Lisa I suppose you could say I'd like to bring the Milhouse out in Nelson.
Milhouse But I'm ALL Milhouse!
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Lunchlady Doris I can only give you Chewable Prozac for Kids in the shape of cartoon characters. I've got Manic Depressive Mouse, or the Bluebird of Unhappiness.
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Lisa You can't take revenge on an animal! That's the whole point of "Moby Dick"!
Homer The point of "Moby Dick" is "Be yourself"...
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The Rich Texan I want you to have my hat. I wore it the day Kennedy was shot, and it aaaaaaalways brings me good luck!
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Bart Homer, your half-assed underparenting was much easier to put up with than your half-assed overparenting.
Homer But I'm using my whole ass!
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Professor Frink The Nobel Prize! It must be for my hammer which is also a screwdriver, which is mildly convenient.
Lisa Just for that?
Professor Frink It was a slow year.
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Bart We're rich, Homer! What shall we buy first?
Homer A Singing Rubber Fish, of course!
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Homer And should I reveal any of the secrets entrusted to me, may my belly swell up and my head be plucked of all but two hairs...
Moe I think he should take a different Oath.
Chief Stonecutter We all take the same Oath!
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Professor Frink [Homer is a Chiropracter] Will this help my Sciatica?
Homer I don't know what that is, so I'm going to say "Yes!"
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Homer That's just my birthmark, and I'll thank you not to stare.
Chief Stonecutter This means you're the Chosen One! Remove the Stone of Shame!
Homer Woo hoo!
Chief Stonecutter Attach the Stone of Triumph!
Homer D'oh!
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Bart [filling Skinner's pants with cats and dynamite]
Principal Skinner This is not going to end well.
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The Rich Texan [Giving away Santa's Little Helper's new friend] I want you to have my dawg. Once they fall in love they're no good.
Marge But won't you miss her love and companionship?
The Rich Texan Ah-ha-ha-ha! Lady, you're aaaaalright!
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[repeated line]
Mayor Quimby Liser Simpson!
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Bill Cosby What do you like to play?
Kid Pokémon!
Bill Cosby Pokémon? With the pokey and the man and the guy comes out with the thing and it makes him fall off the sidewalk wah-wah-wah!
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Chief Wiggum Take a last look at the unconditional love in your kid's eyes 'cos when he comes out it'll be gone!
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Bill Cosby You see, I've got to get back on the TV! Because with the Osbournes, and the softcore porns and the dogs poopin' and nobody scoopin' and the wah-wah-wah.
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Milhouse Sigh.
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Moe [Homer is searching for his soul mate] I'm more of a well-wisher. Meaning that I don't wish you any specific harm.
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Bart I don't know why I do what I do
[eats a bag of M&Ms then drinks a two-litre bottle of soda]
Bart Whoa!
[twitches]
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Grampa [his medication] The pink ones stop you from screaming!
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Bart Tell us a story, Grampa, you've led an interesting life.
Grampa That's a lie and you know it! But I have seen a lot of movies...
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Mr. Burns Oh, Tuttle's Sunday Trousers!
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Ned Flanders Your wide behind won't save you this time.
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Marge Stick it out, my Mother said, even if you picked a Loser! To the bitter end.
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Bart Snap out of it! You're Krusty the Clown! One of Look Magazine's Hundred Most Promising Clowns of 1958!
Krusty the Clown A lot of suicides in that group. Funny suicides...
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Mr. Burns Would you care for some dangerous drugs?
Homer Well, if that is your custom...
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Kent Brockman Human feelings, expressed by a Human.
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Mr. Burns Bosh! Flimshaw!
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Mrs. Krabappel Is this the line to rag on the new Principal Skinner?
Marge If you have eight items or less.
Mrs. Krabappel Ten, nine, eight! He's a weenie!
Marge The first Principal Skinner was a weenie too!
Mrs. Krabappel But he was OUR weenie!
Agnes Skinner Now there was a weenie you could be proud to call your son.
Marge Did you ever tell him that?
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Superintendent Chalmers I do not belong here! I am not bald, I am balding! Why doesn't anyone respect the Ding?
Principal Skinner I respect the Ding, Sir!
Superintendent Chalmers What in God's name are you talking about?
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Lisa These are my friends, grown up nerds like Gore Vidal.
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Mr. Burns [Old Timey Atom Factory] Come on boys, crack those atoms! You! Turn out your pockets! Atoms! Six of them! Take him away!
The Working Man You can't do this to the working man! One day we'll form a Union and get the Fair and Equitable treatment we deserve! And then we'll go too far and get corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!
Mr. Burns The Japanese! Those sandal wearing basket weavers!
Mr. Burns [Present Day] If only we'd listened to that man instead of walling him up in an old coke oven...
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Homer But Lisa, if this works all Daddy's lies will be true. Don't you want all of Daddy's lies to be true?
Lisa I want a Daddy who lives in the real World!
Homer To Daddy, the real World gets fainter and fainter every day...
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Grampa What's wrong? Usually I have to wrestle the bucket away from you.
Homer Dad I'm in love.
Grampa Uh-oh. This girl, she good-looking? Belle of the ball?
Homer Yeah.
Grampa No, no! Don't over-reach! You've got to go for the low-hanging fruit, the dented car, the less attractive girl. I blame myself for not having this talk sooner.
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Groundskeeper Willie Alright, I've taken all their salty snacks! Just like the English took all our sheep and our women in 1294! And then they gave them back! Which was worse!
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Homer Thank you for correcting me, Lisa, people are always glad to be corrected.
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Homer Then I bonked my head on the table and blacked out. The Doctors thought I might have brain damage.
Bart Dad, what is the point of this story?
Homer I like stories.
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Kent Brockman And I, for one, welcome our insect Overlords...
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Snorky They made me do tricks like a common seal!
Dolphin Can you put it behind you?
Snorky No! Here's the plan...
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Selma Bouvier [Selma's going on a date with Barney Gumble] It's time to ashcan my girlhood hopes and dreams, and grab hold of the first train out of the station.
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Lisa [Marge's Life Coach] And because therapists don't have families, you can call them day or night!
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Bart [junk mail] Poison the Termites, Gas the Termites, Nuke the Termites, Save the Termites...
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Homer In the boudoir the gourmand becomes the voluptuary!
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Homer Alas, my gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety...
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Homer Give me learning, Sir, and I will have none of your black bread!
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Grampa I'll be glad when we've buried the last of you Hepburn types!
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Homer It was a simpler time, when all we had to worry about was Total Nuclear Annihilation...
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Dr. Nick Riviera [treating Mozart] I can see from here that you've got too much blood. Let's get you covered in Leeches. That's right! Eat the little boy. In the morning you'll be better. Or dead. But the important thing is: we'll know!
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Barfly [tries a Flaming Moe] It tastes great! And my phlegm feels looser...
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Professor Frink According to the Gas Chromatograph the Secret Ingredient to a Flaming Moe is... LOVE? Who's been screwing with this thing!
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Homer [Spanish Armada] Oh, Lord, please help us kill these foreigners who think your Mother should be revered...
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Cool New Teacher Why would you learn that when you can look it up Online in seconds?
Martin Prince I've... I've filled my head with nonsense!
Cool New Teacher Yes, you have.
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Jasper [Bird-spotting club] My God, a Pigeon!
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Homer If that's your World, I don't want it!
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Homer Now who's stupid!
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Dotty British Uncle [Renaissance Costume] I gets my brain medicines on the Naational 'ealth!
[fishing in a goldfish bowl]
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Homer Anything's possible with Captain Cuckoo-Bananas in charge.
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Ranting Streetperson Did you ever read "The Old Curiosity Shop"?
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Homer [Homer is an ice-cream man] I've got to get back to my round! If these kids ever make the link between eating right and feeling good, I am screwed!
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Leonard Nimoy What follows are lies, but they are entertaining lies. And isn't that really what we mean by true? The answer... is no.
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Homer Spider poison is people poison?
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[repeated lines]
Mr. Burns Who is that man?
Waylon Smithers That's Homer Simpson, sir. One of your _ from sector 7G.
Mr. Burns Simpson, eh?
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Kent Brockman And that's how a Hippo became a Deputy.
Homer ...Stupid Hippo.
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The Rich Texan [after shooting in the air] Sorry, I can't live without passion.
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Moe You know, Babar the Elephant married his cousin. That was my take-home, anyway.
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Ralph Your God is Wrong!
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Chief Wiggum Book 'em, Lou! One Count of Being a Bear, and one Count of Being an Accessory to Being a Bear.
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Football Commentator How did he get those shorts on over that arse?
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Marge [Always New Year Amusement Park Gimmick] It must be wonderful to be ringing in the New Year all the time!
Waiter Please, kill me.
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Dr Hibbert Look at this Baby! Not a scratch on him! I've got boat payments!
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Reverend Lovejoy It's all over, people! We haven't got a prayer!
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Bart With this Broken Leg I'll miss the whole Summer!
Homer Don't worry, Son, when you're a Grown Up like me, you'll miss Every Summer!
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Sideshow Bob You want the Truth? You can't handle the Truth! No Truth-handler you! I deride your Truth-handling abilities!
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Ancient Alumni RIBBONS AND TROPHIES ARE NO COMFORT ON YOUR DEATH BED!
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Homer [Drunk, to Social Worker] Look, the thing about my Family is that there's FIVE of us: Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one that doesn't talk and The Fat Guy, HOW I LOATHE HIM!
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Homer When you're 18 you're out the door!
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Troy McClure Jub-jub is great! He's everywhere you wanna be!
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Some Idiot Still living with your Mother, Skinner?
Principal Skinner She Lives with Me!
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Tweedy Fellow Oh, my Medication!
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Homer Did you see the Bubble?
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Marge How can an Iron be a Landlord?
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Lisa You're not listening!
The Rich Texan I never do! Yee-haw!
[shoots in the air and dances]
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Milhouse My parents were cousins and it never did me any harm!
[flickers out a forked tongue]
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Satan Remember Bart: Lie, Cheat, Steal and listen to Heavy Metal Music!
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Social Worker Marge, you medicate your family with food!
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Lisa Wait a minute, how could Frank Grimes have a son?
Frank Grimes Jnr He liked the whores, okay?
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Homer Don't fill up on vegetables, kids! Save some room for those nachos.
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Mickey Mouse My cartoons weren't good, they were first!
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Mrs. Krabappel You're going to have a hard life.
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Jasper They love you if you can drive.
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Apu [Praying] Good friends, good curry, good Gandi let's hurry!
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Lisa This family isn't great at recognizing achievement.
Bart Now I see why you're so mad all the time.
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Homer What do we have children for if not to sacrifice them for our needs?
Barney Hear, hear!
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Icelandic Man 1 Death to Homer!
Icelandic Man 2 At least we'll always have Beowulf.
Icelandic Man 1 That's not us!
Icelandic Man 2 No!
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Bart Krusty has little feet, like all goodhearted people!
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Bart You don't have to kill me, Bob, I'll probably kill myself, soon!
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Chief Wiggum Hold it right there, Switches of East Face!
Lou Switches of East Face?
Chief Wiggum I don't want to censor myself. That's how Creativity dies.
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Homer They're in the Multi-Purpose Room! They could be doing anything in there! Anything!
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Crazy Person at the Homeless Shelter It was alright, but I think they stole the idea from Amelia Eardhart.
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Hitchhiker [a tad slurred] Well, I didn't really think I was rehabilitated, but I guess they needed the extra bed...
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Dragon American Jerks are going Home! Now we sleep for a thousand years! When we wake the World will End!
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Marge Who'd have thought troubled people could be so artistic?
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Press C'mon, we've got to cook up more Lies!
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Uncle Simpson I throw myself in front of cars then sue the drivers...
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Marge Oh, I'm going to need a lot of Therapy!
Homer No, that's too expensive. Just don't do it anymore!
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Therapist All you can do, is surrender to the Nightmare. Never do THIS!
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Sideshow Mel I am tormented by visions of Millhouse!
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Therapist 1 You're forgetting the boundary between Therapist and Patient!
Therapist 2 And you're forgetting that you did this to me!
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Chalkboard I will not ask the Careers Guidance Counsellor why he couldn't get a better job.
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Milhouse Can't I just have the Surgery?
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Bart They've forgotten that it's supposed to be about the Grammar.
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Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con Guy And the Butch Robots from Battlestar Gallactica will fight the Gay Robots from Star Wars!
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Cashier Now there's a conflicted look!
Marge Are you a Cashier or a Psychiatrist?
Cashier I was a Psychiatrist, but I lost my License for Prescribing too few Meds...
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Principal Skinner [Punching the "Bobo Doll" from the Videotape and Live Test from Bandura's 1962 "Social Learning through Imitation" Study]
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Lisa Don't spend your last day with Santa's Little Helper tormenting him! Frolick with him.
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Sideshow Mel [mute baby Stand Up Comedy] He's thinking what we're all saying!
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Chief Wiggum Play ball! I got pictures of you, Quimby!
Mayor Quimby You don't scare me, that could be anybody's ass!
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Bart Ah, the joys of mortgaging your future
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Kang You mean you thought we wanted to eat you?
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Strawberry We're getting married! Now when he talks to himself, it'll look like a conversation.
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Homer It's because they're stupid, that's why everyone does everything.
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Press Where are the bodies?
Dr. Nick Riviera [slams the door on them] Such a beautiful day! I think I'll go for a walk. Excuse me while I jump out the window.
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Homer TRAPOLINE! TRAMPOLINE! TRAMAMPOLINE!
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Marge Right, no more TV at all!
Homer Marge, this is a Noble Experiment, but like Prohibition it's just going to end in a hail of bullets.
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Mrs. Krabappel [Bart accidentally killed the class fish with his yo-yo] Bart, that's one month's detention.
Bart Mrs Krabappel, we're all upset by the untimely deaths of Stinky and Wrinkles, but life goes on, so if I could just have my yo-yo back...
Mrs. Krabappel Bart, if I were you and you were me, would you give back the yo-yo?
Bart [Bart imagines himself as a giant with a yo-yo and Mrs Krabappel as a tiny person] Here you go.
[he reels it in before she can grab it]
Bart Just kidding. Here you go.
[does it again]
Bart Just kidding.
[laughs evilly]
Mrs. Krabappel Well, would you?
Bart Absolutely.
Mrs. Krabappel HA!
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Crazy Person at the Homeless Shelter That's the answer! Pawn to King's Bishop Three!
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Average Nuclear Plant Employee I am the Angel of Death. Soon the Hour of Purification will be at hand.
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Mr. Burns Smithers, get this bedlamite an alienist!
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[repeated line]
Bart Well, I'm bored.
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Captain McCallister I'll need three ships and fifty stout men. We'll sail around the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen.
Mr. Burns We are building a CASINO.
Captain McCallister Aaaaarrr... Can you give me 5 minutes?
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[repeated line]
Lisa If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room.
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[repeated line]
Marge Hrrrrrmmm!
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[repeated line]
Krusty the Clown Hey-hey, kids!
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Lunchlady Doris More testicles means more iron!
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Mrs. Krabappel Okay, children, that was the Sand film...
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Groundskeeper Willie My shack! I just got it the way I like it!
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Marge If I don't fight him tomorrow, you kids will have a more violent future.
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[repeated line]
The Rich Texan Yee-haw!
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[repeated line]
Bart This blows.
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Homer [leaving Bart at fat camp] Let me give you this fatherly advice: go emotionally dead. Leave your body. Make lots of friends, bye!
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Homer [forseeing the Rapture] In a World this crazy, only a lunatic is truly insane...
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Captain McCallister All I want is a friend who's not a work-friend!
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Captain Tenniel I don't know if it's the saltwater in my veins or the nitrogen bubbles in my brain, but I've really taken a shine to you. You're like the son I never had.
Homer And you're like the father I never visit.
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Homer You know your problem, Flanders? You're afraid to be Human.
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Principal Skinner It's the only Behaviour Modification Camp cruel enough to scare kids like Bart straight, and then send them home quietly ticking away...
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Grampa [Abe is fronting for his grandkids writing for Itchy & Scratchy] I get paid $600 a week to tell a cat and a mouse what to do!
Homer [fantasises about dumping Abe in a Mental Institution]
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Mr. Burns Summon the Shire-Reeve, wake the Beadle!
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Mr. Burns What was I laughing at? Oh, yes, that crippled Irishman! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
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Lionel Hutz What's that, a broken leg? Great!
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Lisa [afraid she has the Simpsons' stupidity gene] Is there something I can do to change my DNA like sit on a microwave?
Dr Hibbert ...Not according to any movie I've ever seen.
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Dr. Nick Riviera [flirting at a party] Sure I'm a Doctor, baby, and I can prescribe anything I want!
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Krusty the Clown I'm not the kind of Dad who's much fun. But the love is there!
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Homer In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women.
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Lionel Hutz [Monorail criticism] I could answer your question, Lisa, but you and I would be the only ones in this room who'd understand. And I'm including your Teacher in that.
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Principal Skinner [Lisa's President in the Future] Your nutrition and education programs just created a generation of Supercriminals.
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[repeated line]
Homer Lousy _...
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[repeated line]
Marge My special little guy.
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Captain McCallister You're the boy that does healing miracles, arrrrrren't ya?
Bart I don't do that anymore. I am no healer.
Captain McCallister Arrr. I guess I'll have to find someone else to help me with my crippling depression.
[wanders away]
Bart And I thought he had it all.
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Lisa [environmental presentation] There will be no Springfield in 20 years! The sea levels will rise, drowning the lowlands! Fields that once fed the World will be reduced to Deserts! And in the New Ninevah, DARKNESS FALLS!
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Homer [the Nahasapeemapetalans have had Octuplets] I'm sterile, right, Baby Doll?
Marge Yes, dear, from the Nuclear Plant.
Homer Sweet.
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Otto [at the wrong film] I never realised British Coal Miners had it so hard. There's blood on your hands, Mrs Thatcher!
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Mr. Burns [repeated line, whenever he forgets Homer's name] Simpson, eh?
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Homer [repeated line]
Homer Stupid Flanders!
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Homer Ah, they got me with their Legal Mumbo-Jumbo.
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Dr. Nick Riviera This is genuine human hair.
Homer This is legal, right?
Dr. Nick Riviera Yeah, sure, whatever.
[Holds up syringe]
Dr. Nick Riviera This will make the operation go like a beautiful dream.
[knocks Homer unconscious and injects himself. Cuts open Homer's head with a Pizza Slicer]
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Principal Skinner Today we're doing Coding, moving on from our last educational fad, "Mindfulness". Did anyone work out what that was all about?
[undecided murmurs]
Milhouse Shutting up?
Principal Skinner Sure, whatever.
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Kent Brockman Tonight we ask "Do Opposites Attract?" as the World's oldest man meets the World's fattest man...
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Kent Brockman Tonight on Eye on Springfield, we meet a man who's been hiccupping for seven years...
Mr Hiccups Hic! Kill me! Hic! Kill me!
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Marge Just when things were at their lowest...
Grampa I realised I could make extra money selling my medication to Dead-Heads!
Marge Grampa, what are you talking about?
Grampa Er... nothing.
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Ranting Streetperson You can't kill time, son, you got to treasure it! Seize the day! You got any change so I can go and get loaded?
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Mr. Burns Smithers, unleash the League of Evil!
Waylon Smithers [Opens Secret Panel. The League are all dead]
Mr. Burns My League! What happened to my beautiful League?
Waylon Smithers Even Monsters need air, Sir.
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Superintendent Chalmers [tractored from behind by Bart] I was going to make you Deputy Superintendent, but now that plum goes to Holloway!
Principal Skinner Holloway? But he's a drunk!
Superintendent Chalmers And a pill-popper! And what is a Dinner Lady doing posing as a Nurse?
Lunchlady Doris I get two paychecks this way.
Superintendent Chalmers D'oh.
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Principal Donderlinger [remedial Science] I'm going to burn this donut to show you how many calories it has...
Homer NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Principal Donderlinger The bright blue flame shows that this was a particularly sweet donut.
Homer This is not happening! This is not happening!
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Principal Skinner [Loudspeaker] Someone has been distributing counterfeit candy hearts with off colour sentiments on them. I would like to remind you that Valentine's Day is no laughing matter!
[Vietnam Flashback]
Principal Skinner Writing a Valentine to your sweetheart, Johnny?
Johnny You betcha!
[Machine-gunned to death]
Principal Skinner Johnny? Johnny!
[Doesn't realise he's thinking aloud]
Principal Skinner JOHNNYYYY!
Bart Cool, I broke his brain!
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Homer [Lost the kids abroad] Will you raise my kids in the Christian tradition?
Foreigner Well... Coptic Christian.
Homer NOOOOOOOOOO!
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Lord Widebottom I Know I'm Alive... But why?
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Homer [Rock Camp] I took some pills I found on the floor and now I'm afraid if I stop talking I'll die.
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Luanne You're not a pawn in my relationship with your father. Is that something your father told you?
Milhouse No!
Mr Van Houten Well, maybe with time your lying will stop...
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Bart [funny noise]
Milhouse Ha! You're funny. And the world needs a clown.
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Jetski Douchebag I hate manatees almost as much as I love tattoos that look like barbed wire!
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God I don't know what you guys did to Him down there, but he's never been the same...
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Homer [trying to send Bart off to school with good advice]
Grampa [in memory bubble] Homer, you're dull as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!
Homer Lousy traumatic childhood...
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Grampa Those pearly gates look a lot like teeth!
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Lisa Sometimes I think I was born into the wrong family.
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Bart I got a rapid heartbeat from KrustyBrand Vitamins, but this will not stand!
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Mr. Glascock This is a great day for me. I thought I'd never teach again.
Principal Skinner Well, things have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glascock.
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Milhouse When she sees I'll do anything she asks, she's bound to respect me!
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Milhouse So this is my life. At least I've done better than Dad.
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Bart Why are we best friends?
Milhouse Because our seats were behind each other at School!
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Homer I hate the modern World and all its crazy words.
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Homer Oh, great! Mormons!
Kang Actually, we're Quantum Presbytarians...
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Homer Hi, I'm Homer Simpson, I Mooned for rebuttal.
Marge Yes, I remember.
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Marge Homer, I couldn't help but overhear you warping Bart's mind...
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Sideshow Bob And despite all the temptations to belong to other nations he remains an Englishman. An Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen GLISH Man.
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Mayor Quimby Remember, if anyone asks, you're my Niece from out of town!
Niece I am your Niece, Uncle Joe!
Mayor Quimby Oh, Good Lord, I'm an abomination!
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Mason Fairbanks I've dined with the Prince of Wales and Killer Whales, but only the latter knew how to chew without humming...
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Coma Guy Are Sonny and Cher still doing that stupid show?
Kent Brockman She won an Oscar and he's a Congressman!
Coma Guy Good night!
[Dies]
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Bart Culture's in Decline! Deal with it!
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Bart What's a Muppet?
Homer Well it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a Puppet, but boy-oh-boy! So in answer to your question, I don't know.
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Apu [his regular line when a customer leaves the Kwik-E-Mart] Thankyou, come again.
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Moe Like my Uncle says, sooner or later everybody gets shot.
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Bart Are you gonna throw me in the Loony Bin?
Therapist No, there are no Loony Bins any more! Those people are on the street...
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Homer I have misplaced my pants.
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Mr. Burns Are you sure you haven't just made hundreds of mistakes?
Doctor ...Yes.
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Narrator And so the Trillion Dollar Note was given to the richest and therefore most trustworthy American, C Montgomery Burns.
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Martin Prince I'm just as unpopular with the Ladies as I am with the Chaps!
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Homer [wakes up next to waxwork John Lennon. Waxwork Yoko Ono is mysteriously broken in two]
Rod Mr Simpson, why did you hurt the Dolly?
Homer Because like 80% of Americans I'm whacked out on prescription Drugs.
Rod But users are losers!
Homer You're confusing Drugs with
[wiggles fingers, spooky voice]
Homer DRU-U-U-UGS!
Rod [screams and runs away]
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Therapist Get down from that bookshelf! Most of those books haven't been discredited yet!
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Homer To Alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
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Krusty the Clown I work like I drink, alone!
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Krusty the Clown I'd rather be a happy Shnook than a noble Shlumpf.
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Katy Perry [Extended Days of Xmas song] 30 your natural lifespan!
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Lisa I know I'll never be great, but shouldn't I try?
Principal Skinner No.
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Selma Bouvier No resenting us, ever!
Homer That's some great flutenastics!
Selma Bouvier Shut up! You can't praise her! She'll think she's smart and slack off! All our loving would be wasted!
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Homer Enough with the Secrets and Lies! It's always Secrets and Lies!
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Homer According to this test, you're both idiots!
Lenny Thanks, what do we owe you?
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Comic Book Guy And that is why The Lord of the Rings can never be filmed!
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Bart [Rod and Tod] When they grow up, people like me will take all their money and girlfriends.
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Ned Flanders It's like ever since that Barbeque there's been a Curse on me.
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Homer I must have a Guardian Angel.
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Video Card My name is...
Ned Flanders Rod!
Video Card My hobbies are...
Ned Flanders Brushing my teeth, and Diabetes!
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Homer I love watching Canadian on Canadian Violence!
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Homer Wait a minute! That's not something people really feel...
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Mr. Burns Bah! Fracking produces enough clean natural gas to make America independent of sheiks, caliphs and Scandinavians.
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Ned Flanders Snake, what would your Momma say if she knew you were going around shooting nice people in the Brain?
Snake She'd say that year off from Princeton was the worst mistake of my Life...
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Reverend Lovejoy I just stopped caring. Fortunately by then it was the 80s and nobody noticed.
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Milhouse I'm good at pretending to do stuff, as if I don't know there's a fight going on.
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Al Gore's disembodied Robot Head You can't win in Florida!
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Milhouse [Mattress Fort] Mr Simpson, it smells funny in there!
Homer No, it doesn't.
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Cletus Spuckler I always pretends to reads before I signs.
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Lisa [Yearbook] I edited the whole thing!
Nelson If you hadn't done it, some other loser would have.
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Database This is the Life we Chose!
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Principal Skinner Finally, we can afford attractive Teachers!
Ugly Teacher [clearing desk] I was the only one who understood Osmosis!
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Grampa I was mainly in it for the spankings!
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Milhouse The House always wins!
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Ranier Wolfcastle The Geek shall inherit the Earth!
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Selma He can't break my heart because he kind of makes me sick, this could work!
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Marge [Blanche DuBois] I thought my life would be a Mardi Gras, a Neverending Party, Ha! I'm a faded Southern Dame without a Dime.
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Bart As the Rabbi says, "Blessed are the Jesters."
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Chief Wiggum Why are the pretty ones always insane?
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Principal Skinner In the interests of open dialogue, sit quietly and watch this film.
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Moe William Faulkner could write an exhaust-pipe joke that would really make you think.
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Lenny I just want to shake your hand!
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Ned Flanders [Flanders pours Homer a beer from a tap in his rumpus room] Here's a tasty little lager that came all the way from Holland.
Homer Well, beggy can't be choosy.
[Homer drinks some and let's out a loud belch]
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Troy McClure [because Troy needs glasses to drive, he keeps hitting parked cars] Hey, these guys are all over the road!
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Carny You had that scar when you got on!
Bart What scar?
Carny You'll find out.
[rips out the safety bar, wanders off]
Carny I like keeping records to myself. Ahh, oh I make the soup, my goodness, do I make the soup!
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Diabetty [Exercising] I'm tryna slim down so's I fit in Momma's Coffin!
[eats half a cake]
Diabetty That's my re-ward!
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Bart The Internet wrote my Essay, and I handed it in.
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Marge Okay, you're overstimulated. Let's get some beer in you, and then off to bed!
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Moe [playing the lead of his own spinoff] I'm so desperately lonely.
[the studio audience erupts into laughter]
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Homer The Brain is so stupid.
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Mr. Burns [after Bart knocks Smithers unconscious with a rock] I like him a lot.
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Homer [Kirk Van Houten's Midlife Crisis] Ha! He's afraid of dying!
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Professor Frink I was trying to spare the child's feelings you insensitive clod.
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Liberal Strawman Oh the plain and simple facts is, I want to raise your taxes, and make your children Gay...
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Waiter Yes, he ordered Fugu. I know, I know, if you cut it wrong it's poisonous. But if you cut it right, it can be quite tasty!
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Evil Minion 1 Why did you think a Big Balloon would stop people?
Evil Minion 2 Shut up! That's why!
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Moe How can they be playing Quidditch when four of the seven Horcruxes are still unfound?
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Beatnik How now, brown bureaucrat?
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Moe My Doctor says it's best that I don't sleep.
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Carl To the special magic, that comes from inside, that is Guy Stuff!
Moe Yeah, I would say I love you but I don't want to say it and you don't want to hear it!
Lenny To Nothing!
[Clink]
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Marge [Blind date] Please, don't be a freak.
Captain McCallister [singing in the dark] Met her on the Mountain! There I took her life! Met her on the Mountain! Stabbed her with my Knife!
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Assassin There is another way to do this, but it is as intricate as a well-played game of Chess...
Jasper [Machine gun fire] Was that me or you?
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Agnes Skinner That's Love, Seymour, and I'm glad you got to see it once before you die.
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Pretzel Vendor Whenever a Bavarian is not quite full, you'll be there!
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Homer Protect the Duck! Protect the Duck!
[Crushed by Millwheel]
Homer Produck the Tect!
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Chief Wiggum Esquilax!
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Teacher Ugh, Dead Poet's Society has ruined a Generation of Educators.
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Bart [to Lisa] What are you going to change your name to when you get older?
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Principal Skinner Silent Anger! The cornerstone of a successful marriage...
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Poochie I know in the past I have been Proactive, and for that I am sorry...
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Milhouse The best day of my life just turned into every other day of my life.
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Homer Only a true father would lead his son to believe he belonged to someone else.
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Intellectual Homer [scrawled in blood] Ontology recapitulates Phylogeny.
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Bart Grampa, everyone's calling me a coward!
Grampa Well join the club! Anyone who makes it to old age has got to be part coward.
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Principal Skinner But how will children learn if they don't feel like they're in kid jail?
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Comic Book Guy I've devoted my life to second-rate science fiction, trust me.
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Teacher Mrs Simpson, this is when I have Lunch, so I'm going to say that your daughter is Unique, and we're done.
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Troy McClure Ah, sweet lady liquor eases the pain!
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Marge You don't need friends to be happy! I haven't had a friend in years!
Homer You've got me! Who've I got?
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Swede Joy is but the Shadow pain casts...
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Homer You might not be the smartest guys in the Army.
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Moe My only friends are the Ghosts that came with this Bar.
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Russian Mail Order Bride We have alcoholics too! But ours are thin with ropy muscles...
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Professor Frink I didn't come here to be heckled and spoofed!
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Mr Van Houten He's a good kid, he's just weak! Both morally and in the upper body...
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Boxing Announcer And Drederick Tatum dances a victorious Turkey Trot over the Supine Swede. One is inescapably reminded of Alexander of Macedon's triumphs at Ithaca and Issus.
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Otto [looting Picasso's Guernica]
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Marge Why all the bowling balls?
Homer Marge, I'm not going to lie to you.
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Bart Who says "ersters"?
Homer Songwriters who are stuck!
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Lisa First Prize! First Prize!
Bart [waking up] What are you doing?
Lisa Just messing with your mind.
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Mayor Quimby [St Patrick's Day] Oh no! Without the booze these guys all remember how much they hate each other!
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Mickey Rooney The only soulless thing in Hollywood is the Music Industry.
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Homer Part of being a parent is doing things that make your kid never want to talk to you again.
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Kang No Pickle, Butter Brickle.
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Bart A kid who can't keep his parents' marriage together is no kid at all.
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Homer Just give me a ticket.
Lou Maybe we don't feel like giving you a ticket. Maybe we feel like hauling your ass in.
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Homer [Pinchy is nipped by a crab] Hey! You don't have to take that from a punk-ass crab! What's wrong with you?
Captain McCallister Arrr, it's not his fault he's a sissy. Someone's been coddling him.
Marge Don't look at me! I wanted to eat him!
Captain McCallister Sorry, it's usually the Mother. I run an academy for lobsters, we stress tough love and discipline, if you want to try it.
Marge No! We're not sending the lobster to a snooty boarding school!
Captain McCallister Arr, then answer me this: do you have any loose change?
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Dr Marvin Monroe [after Grampa's money] I've invented this isolation tank, it's state of the Art!
Grampa Interesting, how much do you need to build it?
Dr Marvin Monroe It's already built, that's the beauty part! I just need $200,000 to buy a baby to raise in it. I have this theory he'll grow up maladjusted, harboring a deep resentment towards me!
Grampa Sounds pretty stupid, but it's the best I've heard so far.
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