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Gina I stole his sperm.
Lily You WHAT?
Gina You heard me! I don't want to repeat it!
Lily What - did you follow him around with a little bottle until...
Gina No, no, no, it wasn't like that! I got a job at a sperm bank where I knew he made a deposit and I simply... made a... withdrawal.
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Courtney Mason, you look wonderful in your tux.
Mason But not as lovely as you two ladies. What did you do, Madeline, mug a chandelier on the way in?
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C.C. They ought to call my biography, "The Man Whose Wives Refuse To Die."
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Augusta Lockridge Laken, I know I raised you to be cheerful and always look on the bright side of things, but forget about all that right now because this is a time of crisis!
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[Struggling to come up with nice things to say about Gina]
Mason Well, I never actually saw her pull the wings off butterflies.
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Mason Someday I think it would be amusing if great historians debated who was worse CC Capwell or Attila the Hun.
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Gina Mason be nice. Act normal for a change.
Mason Nice isn't normal for me.
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Lionel Lockridge The doctor says I'm going to live.
Augusta Lockridge Am I to be spared nothing?
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Ted Oh, come on Julia, haven't you ever been in love?
Julia Yes. I've also had scarlet fever and the measles. Ask me which one I liked best.
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Lionel Lockridge Let's talk about trust. We used to have that.
Augusta Lockridge Yes. We also used to have a Studebaker.
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Augusta Lockridge [after an earthquake has caught her and husband Lionel during sex in a cave] Darling, did the earth move for you, too?
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Gina I only blackmail people who can afford it! I know what I'm doing!
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Augusta Lockridge [to Lionel when he's denying anything happened with Eden Capwell on his boat] You are an aging over-sexed fool!
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Andrea Bedford I keep trying to say goodbye to my father, but its like writing in invisible ink, you know? It doesn't take.
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Julia Wainwright Capwell No, Gracie, you can't push yet! Not 'til the baby's head's out!
Mason Julia, if the woman wants to push...
Julia Wainwright Capwell What'd you do, get a uterus for Christmas?
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Mason My father isn't home. He's probably out foreclosing on an orphanage.
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Mason [Warren shows up looking disheveled and asking for C.C] Most people look like this after they've seen him, not before.
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Janice Harrison [Janice meets Alice after Nick told Alice that Janice has posed nude] Nice to met you. Nick has told me all about you, including that you have a wonderful face.
Alice Jackson Thank you. You have a wonderful everything. You look like you're on a magazine cover right now.
Janice Harrison Thank you, I just came from a shoot.
Alice Jackson Oh. I'm glad you had a chance to put on your clothes.
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Mason My father is going through one of his phases. It happens every 12 years or so, all of a sudden he starts being nice. Something to do with the orbit of Jupiter I believe. I could almost hear his smile muscles creaking.
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Gina Timmons [On the phone] Don't tell me Eden is in bed with you?
Kirk Cranston That's right!
Gina Timmons She must be asleep then. That's all you're good for nowadays.
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Gina Timmons I'm going to arrange for Ted and Hayley to live with us after C.C. and I are married. We're going to be one big happy family.
Mason Like Ma Barker and her kids.
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Gina Timmons Lighten up. If I wanted to have dinner with a zombie, I would have invited Santana.
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Mason [Talking to Lily about Gina's upcoming wedding] Gina and high society, there's a contradiction in terms. Why don't you buy her a blender and then put her in it.
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Keith Timmons [Talking about Gina] I've got something here that's going to help us put away our little slut for a long, long time. Excuse my crassness.
Sophia Capwell That's alright, she is your girlfriend.
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Gina Timmons [Talking about her 7 year old adopted son] Brandon simply worships me, I know that.
Sophia Capwell Give him a few years.
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Sophia Capwell [Leaving Gina stranded in a plane wreckage] I need to get out of here.
Gina Timmons What about me, are you going to leave me here? I can't move.
Sophia Capwell Well, then I'll know where to find you, aren't I?
Gina Timmons What if that big lizard comes back? or a wolf?
Sophia Capwell Then show them what a nice person you are.
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Julia You and I both know a lot of ambitious people, including every member of your family. Can you name one of us who's actually happy?
Mason my grandfather's third cousin Maude was said to have been a merry old soul. At least that's what her psychiatrist claimed.
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Augusta Lockridge Never a dull moment around here.
Gina If it's dull moments you're after, you should go back to your own house.
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C.C. Capwell Gina, why is every moment of your life a crisis?
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Mason Lily knew what was best for me. All she had to do was to touch my forehead and I lost my desire for alcohol.
Gina Timmons I wonder what she had to touch to make you forget about sex.
Mason Gina, men aren't as simple as you think.
Gina Timmons And now you're going to explain it all to me. Everything I've always wanted to know about men, but was too bored to ask.
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Gina Timmons Mason, would you like me better if I basked in glorious light and donned a white robe?
Mason As I recall, disrobing was your specialty.
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Mason Come on Julia, don't be so rigid, you might enjoy working for me. Besides, if as you say, I have some grand design, you might end up in high places.
Julia Where, on the edge of a cliff, ready to jump?
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Gina [after Keith resigned from his job] Keith, have you officially vacated your office yet?
Keith Timmons No, I'm keeping it a weekend hideaway.
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Keith Timmons [to the waiter] I'll have a double scotch on the rocks, put it on her tab.
Gina If I wanted to keep somebody, I'd like him to at least be clean shaven.
Keith Timmons I think anybody who was going to be kept by you, probably wouldn't be old enough to shave.
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Gina If you want solace, why don't you come by my place a little later, I'll give you all the solace you need.
Keith Timmons No thanks, I'm not in the mood to mate with the Black Widow.
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Gina Timmons The first thing I'm going to do after I move in is to fire the chef. The food here is deplorable.
Sophia Capwell I don't how you could tell, you snorted it like a pig.
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Sophia Capwell I wish I could give you an idea of how much I despise you!
Gina Timmons I think I can guess. Probably as much as I despised you the night C.C. threw me out without a stitch of clothing on.
Sophia Capwell You got exactly what you deserved. And point in fact, you took your clothes off yourself, no one asked you to, which I understand is just a reflex of yours.
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Gina Timmons I get so emotional, I always want to cry at weddings.
Mason I imagine your husbands do the same thing.
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Julia Sorry to interrupt. Is the resident ogre here?
Lionel Lockridge C.C.? No, he's out somewhere, spreading joy in the world.
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Gina After all I've said about Santana, you want me to now tell Brandon he's going to spen the holidays with her? He's going to think I'm crazy!
Mason Capwell I think you pretty much are, Gina.
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Mason You want me to be the boy's father when my father is already his father, and his real father was my brother who wasn't really my brother?
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