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Kinoafisha Films Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy Movie Quotes

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy Movie Quotes

Veronica Corningstone For the entire Channel 4 news team, I'm Veronica Corningstone.
Ron Burgundy And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.
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Ron Burgundy Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
Champ Kind It jumped up a notch.
Ron Burgundy It did, didn't it?
Brick Tamland Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.
Ron Burgundy I saw that. Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?
Brick Tamland Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.
Ron Burgundy Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.
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Brian Fantana [about Veronica] I'll give this little cookie an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up.
[opens cologne cabinet]
Ron Burgundy Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight.
Brian Fantana No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
Ron Burgundy It's quite pungent.
Brian Fantana Oh yeah.
Ron Burgundy It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way.
Brian Fantana Yep.
Ron Burgundy Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
Brian Fantana They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time.
[cheesy grin]
Ron Burgundy That doesn't make sense.
Brian Fantana Well... Let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr.
[snarls]
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Ron Burgundy I'm in a glass case of emotion.
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Ron Burgundy Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
Veronica Corningstone No, there's no way that's correct.
Ron Burgundy I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?
Ron Burgundy No. No.
Veronica Corningstone No, that's - that's what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy Agree to disagree.
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Brick Tamland I love... carpet.
[pause]
Brick Tamland I love... desk.
Ron Burgundy Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?
Brick Tamland I love lamp.
Ron Burgundy Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?
Brick Tamland [Tries to sound convincing] I love lamp! I love lamp.
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Brick Tamland I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.
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Brian Fantana I think I was in love once.
Ron Burgundy Really? What was her name?
Brian Fantana I don't remember.
Ron Burgundy That's not a good start, but keep going...
Brian Fantana She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.
Ron Burgundy I'm pretty sure that's not love.
Brian Fantana Damn it.
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[Ron bribes the announcer]
Announcer You're watching Channel 4 News with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee.
Veronica Corningstone Good evening, San Diego. I'm Veronica Corningstone. Tits McGee is on vacation.
Ron Burgundy And I'm Tits... I'm Ron Burgundy.
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Ron Burgundy You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?
Ed Harken Dammit. Who typed a question mark on the Teleprompter?
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Ed Harken A lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining about a lack of diversity on the news team.
Champ Kind What in the hell's diversity?
Ron Burgundy Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.
Ed Harken Ron, I would be surprised if the affiliates were concerned about the lack of an old, old wooden ship, but nice try.
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Brick Tamland Where'd you get your clothes... from the... toilet store?
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Ron Burgundy I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.
Veronica Corningstone Really.
Ron Burgundy People know me.
Veronica Corningstone Well, I'm very happy for you.
Ron Burgundy I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
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Ron Burgundy Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?
Brian Fantana Brian Fantana.
Champ Kind Champ Kind.
Brick Tamland Brian Fantana.
Brian Fantana No, you're Brick.
Brick Tamland Brian.
Brian Fantana I'm Brian.
Brick Tamland Veronica.
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[subtitled conversation between Ron's dog Baxter and an attacking bear]
Baxter Leave these people alone. They mean you no harm.
Bear We Bears are a proud race. They must pay for their intrusion.
Baxter On my journey I met one of your kind. His name was Katow-jo. We became friends.
Bear Katow-jo is my cousin. Go in peace.
Baxter I will tell tales of your compassion.
Bear Fare thee well, Baxter. You shall always be friend of the bears.
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Brick Tamland [riding a bear] Hey, Ron. I'm riding a furry tractor.
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Ron Burgundy I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly...
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Champ Kind I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.
Wes Mantooth Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint!
Ron Burgundy Hey, let's leave the mothers out of this.
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Ed Harken Sweetheart, you and I have had this discussion a million times. There's never been a woman anchor.
Veronica Corningstone Mr. Harken, this city needs its news. And you are going to deprive them of that because I have breasts? Exquisite breasts? Now, I am gonna go on, and if you want to try and stop me, bring it on. Because I am good at three things: Fighting, screwing, and reading the news. I've already done one of those today, so what's the other one gonna be? Huh?
Ed Harken [thinks about it] Screwing?
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Ron Burgundy [to dog] You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.
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Brian Fantana Don't get me wrong, I *love* the ladies. I mean they rev my engine, but they do NOT belong in the newsroom!
Champ Kind It is anchor *man*, not anchor *lady*. And that is a scientific fact.
Brick Tamland [Absolutely furious] I don't know what we're yelling about!
Brian Fantana You're with us, Ron, what do you think?
Ron Burgundy [shouting] She... Sh... It's terrible! She has beautiful eyes! And her hair smells like cinnamon!
Brick Tamland [shouts] *LOUD* *NOISES*!
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Veronica Corningstone My God, what is that smell? Oh.
Brian Fantana That's the smell of desire my lady.
Veronica Corningstone God no, it smells like, like a used diaper... filled with... Indian food. Oh, excuse me.
Brian Fantana You know, desire smells like that to some people.
News Station Employee [disgusted] What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.
News Station Employee [horrified] Smells like Bigfoot's dick!
Brian Fantana [tries to act casual and walk away] Whoa, what's that smell?
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Ron Burgundy [Ron's dog barks at him] You know I don't speak Spanish.
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Brick Tamland I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like the guy said... my stomach's itchy.
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Ron Burgundy Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?
Brick Tamland I don't know.
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Brian Fantana People call me the Bry man; I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westphal and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.
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Ron Burgundy [Ron Burgundy and Champ Kind making prank phone calls to Veronica Corningstone] This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy report here, and guess what. You got knocked up.
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Garth Holliday You were my hero Ron! Why'd you have to say that? You come out with stink like that.
[starts to cry]
Garth Holliday Poop. You poopmouth, with poop out of your mouth!
Ron Burgundy Garth, if I would give you some money out of my wallet, would that ease the pain?
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Veronica Corningstone ...and that can be very distracting. Okay, so when we get to the pet shop...
Brick Tamland [while coughing] Cough. Look over here.
[spoken]
Brick Tamland Excuse me, Veronica?
Veronica Corningstone Yes? What is it, Brick?
Brick Tamland I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.
Veronica Corningstone Excuse me?
Brick Tamland [struggling] The... party. With the... with the pants. Party with pants?
Veronica Corningstone Brick, are you saying that there's a party in your pants and that I'm invited?
Brick Tamland That's it.
Veronica Corningstone Did Brian tell you to say this, Brick?
Brick Tamland No. Yes. He did.
Veronica Corningstone Okay. No. I don't want to go to a party in your pants.
Brick Tamland Very well. Ian, would you like to go to a party in my pants?
Ian No, Brick.
Brick Tamland All right. Let's go.
[runs off, there is a sound of crashing off screen]
Brick Tamland It's all right. I'm all right.
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[first title card]
Title card The following is based on actual events. Only the names, locations and events have been changed.
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Ron Burgundy It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice.
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Brick Tamland [opposing women in the newsroom] I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.
Brian Fantana Well, that's just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you're putting the whole station in jeopardy.
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Veronica Corningstone Excuse me.
Ron Burgundy What are you doing?
Veronica Corningstone I need this machine so I can watch a tape for a story.
Ron Burgundy I'm using the tape. I'm showing Jeffrey my Emmy tape. We are watching history.
Veronica Corningstone Mr. Burgundy, I'm a professional, and I would like to be able to do my job.
Ron Burgundy Big deal. I am very professional.
Veronica Corningstone Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.
Ron Burgundy I'm not a baby, I am a man. I am an anchorman.
Veronica Corningstone You are not a man. You are a big fat joke.
Ron Burgundy I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.
Veronica Corningstone I will have you know that I have more talent and more intelligence in my little finger than you do in your entire body, sir.
Ron Burgundy You are a smelly pirate hooker.
Veronica Corningstone You look like a blueberry.
Ron Burgundy Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?
Veronica Corningstone Well, you have bad hair.
Ron Burgundy [insulted] What did you say?
Veronica Corningstone I said... your hair... looks stupid.
[an A-bomb mushroom cloud is reflected in Ron's eyes; the knock-down drag-out fight begins]
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Ron Burgundy Knights of Columbus, that hurt.
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Ron Burgundy Um, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament?
Brick Tamland Um, no, no. Too many people died last year, so we're not gonna.
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Ron Burgundy [answers the phone in a very distressed manner] Hello? Who's there, I'm talkin'? Hello? Who is this? Baxter... is that you? Baxter! Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee... Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the courage to say something! Hello?
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Brian Fantana Where is the suit store? We've been walking for forty-five minutes.
Champ Kind Brick, I thought you said this was a shortcut.
Brick Tamland Fantastic.
Ron Burgundy Well, is it a shortcut or not?
Brick Tamland Okay.
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Ron Burgundy [concluding broadcast] Good night, I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself San Diego.
Ed Harken [various reaction from crew members] What in the name of? No!
Ron Burgundy [oblivious] Sharp broadcast all of you. Great show, especially from you on the floor. A lot of hustle. I liked that.
Ed Harken Ron, I've got to fire you.
Ron Burgundy Ed, I've got to fire you.
Ed Harken Do you even know what you just said?
Ron Burgundy [shocked] Great Odin's raven! Veronica, she put that in the teleprompter.
Ed Harken You're probably right, but I've got to fire you.
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Ron Burgundy You stay classy, San Diego.
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Veronica Corningstone Mr. Burgundy, you have a *massive* erection.
Ron Burgundy Really?
[looks down]
Ron Burgundy Yes, I do. Um... I'm sorry, it's... It's the pleats. It's actually an optical illusion, it's the pattern on the pant's that it's not flattering in the crotchal region. I'm actually taking them back right now, taking them back to the... The pants store. Well, this is awkward. I'm gonna walk this situation off and I will see you later.
[walking away]
Ron Burgundy Nothing to look at! Get back to work everyone! Don't act like you're not impressed!
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Ron Burgundy [Ron is shirtless in his office and is doing arm curls with dumbbells] 1001... 1002... 1003...
Veronica Corningstone Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.
Ron Burgundy Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.
Veronica Corningstone Well, you asked me to come by, sir.
Ron Burgundy Oh, did I?
Veronica Corningstone Yes.
Ron Burgundy Ohh, it's the deep burn. Oh, it's so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.
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Brick Tamland I pooped a hammer.
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Ron Burgundy Veronica Corningstone and I had sex, and now we are in love!
[Brian shuts office door]
Ron Burgundy Did I say that loud?
Brian Fantana Yeah, you pretty much yelled it.
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Ron Burgundy Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian?
Brian Fantana Panda Watch. The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I uh... Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.
[to the Panda]
Brian Fantana Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out here, Panda Jerk!
Ron Burgundy Great story. Compelling, and rich.
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Ed Harken [on the phone] I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults; we've both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? Of course you haven't, how stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities. Right. I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.
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Spanish Anchor Cómo están, beetches?
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Ron Burgundy Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen.
[standing on a diving board in a Speedo]
Ron Burgundy Cannonball!
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Veronica Corningstone Oh Ron, there are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.
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[to Brian Fantana]
Zoo Keeper Excuse me... is that 'sex panther' you're wearing?
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Ron Burgundy [singing] Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight / Gonna grab some afternoon delight / My motto's always been, "When it's right, it's right" / Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?
Ron Burgundy Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] When everything's a little clearer in the light of day / And we know the night is always gonna be there anyway.
Brian Fantana Brian Fantana, Brick Tamland: [singing] Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite / Looking forward to a little afternoon delight / Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite / And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting.
Ron Burgundy Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Sky rockets in flight / Afternoon delight.
Ron Burgundy You guys have it, I think.
Ron Burgundy Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Afternoon delight.
Champ Kind I don't know Ron, That sounds kinda crazy.
Brian Fantana Sounds like you have mental problems, man.
Brick Tamland Yeah you got mental problems, man.
Brian Fantana Yeah, he really does.
Brick Tamland Man.
Ron Burgundy Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, Champ Kind, Brick Tamland: [singing] Afternoon delight.
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Brick Tamland I pooped a Cornish game hen.
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Ron Burgundy [to Veronica after the news has just gone off the air] You've got a dirty whorish mouth.
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Angry Biker What do you love?
Ron Burgundy I love poetry, and a glass of scotch, and, of course, my friend Baxter here.
Angry Biker Well, now, guess what, this is happening.
[grabs Baxter]
Ron Burgundy Excuse me... excuse me... what are you doing?
[biker punts Baxter over bridge]
Angry Biker That's how I roll.
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Brick Tamland [When Veronica is replacing Ron after he fails to turn up. Confused] You're not Ron...
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Ron Burgundy [after jumping into the Kodiak bear pit at the San Diego Zoo] I immediately regret this decision.
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Ron Burgundy I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you.
[Veronica turns and walks away]
Ron Burgundy Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I... I wanna be on you.
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Champ Kind The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team.
Ron Burgundy That's a given.
Champ Kind We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much! I miss being with you. I miss being *near* you. I miss your laugh!
[laughs playfully and pulls on Ron's sleeve]
Champ Kind I miss your scent.
[composes himself, becomes serious]
Champ Kind I miss your musk... When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!
Brian Fantana Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while.
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Ron Burgundy Let's go over the groundrules. Rule number 1: No touching of the hair or face... AND THAT'S IT!
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[Baxter is barking, and Ron is listening]
Ron Burgundy What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing. How 'bout we get you in your p.j.'s and we hit the hay.
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Ron Burgundy [looking at his reflection in the mirror] Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good.
[yells off-camera]
Ron Burgundy Hey everyone! Come see how good I look!
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Ron Burgundy [Unrated cut] Don't you know I would never say fuck! *Fuck*!
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Ron Burgundy [driving in car, speaking to Baxter] Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman. I'll take you to foggy London town 'cause you are my little gentleman. Wow, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling.
[throws burrito out the window]
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Brian Fantana That was one crazy party. I am *hung ovaaah!*.
Champ Kind [theatrical version only] I woke up on the floor of some Japanese family's rec room, and they would NOT stop screaming.
Brick Tamland Oh, yeah. I ate a big red candle.
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Veronica Corningstone Take me to Pleasure Town.
Ron Burgundy Oh, we're going there.
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Brian Fantana Ron, I know it sounds harsh, but God does not want her to live.
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Frank Vitchard [to Burgundy] I am gonna straight-up murder your ass!
Public TV News Anchor [behind Frank] Blade!
Fighter [handing him a machete] Here ya go, mate!
Frank Vitchard [public news anchor cuts off Frank's arm] Ah! I did not see that one coming!
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Veronica Corningstone [in bear pit] In case we die here today, there's something that you should know. That dirty trick with the Teleprompter. It wasn't...
Ron Burgundy Sweet Eli Whitney's nose. It wasn't you, was it? It was Wes Mantooth! Oh, I should have known.
Veronica Corningstone No, no. No, I did it.
Ron Burgundy [screams] You *bitch*!
[bears wake up]
Ron Burgundy [Incredulous] You woke up the bears! Why did you do that?
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Spanish Anchor Tonight's top story: The sewers run red with Burgundy's blood.
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Champ Kind What do you say if we go out on a date? Have some chicken, maybe some sex... You know, see what happens.
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[first lines]
Bill Lawson [narration] There was a time, a time before cable. When the local anchorman reigned supreme. When people believed everything they heard on TV. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news. And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man than the rest. His name was Ron Burgundy. He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls.
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Ron Burgundy Son of a bee-sting.
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Champ Kind Champ here! I'm all about havin' fun. You know, get a couple cocktails in me, start a fire in someone's kitchen. Maybe go to SeaWorld, take my pants off. Anyway, I kinda known for my catch phrase WHAMMY! As in Gene Tenace at the plate... iiittt WHAMMY! WHAMMY!
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Ron Burgundy Sweet Lincoln's mullet.
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Tino You eat that for the way you talk about my city!
Ron Burgundy I will NOT eat that!
Tino You are going to eat that cat poop!
Ron Burgundy I will not eat cat poop.
Tino You will eat cat poop!
Ron Burgundy Ron Burgundy says "NO!"
Tino You make a fool of me and everyone in here. You put that cat poop in your mouth.
Ron Burgundy No!
Tino Yes!
Ron Burgundy No!
Tino Si!
Ron Burgundy I will NOT eat cat poop!
Tino You will do it immediately!
Ron Burgundy No!
Tino You will!
Ron Burgundy Fine, I'll try to eat... If I take one bite, will you give me a steak? If I take one bite of shit, will you bring me a steak?
Tino I'll think about it.
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Ron Burgundy Let's dance, dickweed.
Wes Mantooth You wanna dance, Burgundy?
[whips out a knife]
Wes Mantooth I wanna polka.
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Ron Burgundy [while both characters are riding on horses through a cartoon Pleasure Town] I freakin' love you.
Veronica Corningstone I freakin' love you back.
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Wes Mantooth What, you guys can't say one thing? Even the guy that can't think said something. You guys just stand there? Come on.
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Ron Burgundy A La Jolla man clings to life at a University Hospital after being viciously attacked by a pack of wild dogs in an abandoned pool.
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Ed Harken [on the phone with his son] Put down the gun, and let the marching band go. We'll play it off as a prank.
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Ron Burgundy [playing jazz flute] Little Ham 'n Eggs comin' at ya, hold on people hope ya got your griddles...
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[addressing someone off-camera, who we can't see]
Ron Burgundy How are you? You look awfully nice today. Maybe don't wear a bra next time... No, I was talking to you. No, not her. I don't know her name. What is it? Lanolin? Lanolin? Like sheep's wool?
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Ron Burgundy You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.
Frank Vitchard Oh yeah? Well, you're about to be in... dead place.
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Ron Burgundy The human torch was denied a bank loan.
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Ron Burgundy Oh Audrey - I look like hell! I got bags under my eyes. What's that? Well if you were a man, I'd punch you. Punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league. YOU HEAR ME? AUDREY! LOOK AT ME! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Alright?
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Custodian This is worse than that time the raccoon got in the copier!
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Waiter at Tino's May I take your order?
Ron Burgundy Yes, I am going to have three fingers of Glenlivet with a little bit of pepper, and, uh, some cheese.
Waiter at Tino's Very good.
Veronica Corningstone Uh, I'll take a Manhattan, and kick the vermouth in the side with a pair of steel-toed boots.
Waiter at Tino's Certainly.
Ron Burgundy Thank you, Scott.
[to Veronica]
Ron Burgundy Wow. Quite a drink order.
Veronica Corningstone Oh, well, when in Rome.
[chuckles]
Ron Burgundy Yes? Please, go on.
Veronica Corningstone Uh, do as the Romans do?
[after Ron's blank look]
Veronica Corningstone It's an old expression.
Ron Burgundy Oh! I've never heard of it. It's wonderful, though.
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Ron Burgundy Everyone just relax, all right? Believe me, if there's one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.
Brian Fantana I don't know, Ron.
Ron Burgundy Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited.
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Ron Burgundy [singing drunk] ... Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon deliiiight... Ahh... I make fart-noises with my mouth, and I like it cause...
Bartender Hey nutjob, quit the singing! You creeping out all the regulars.
Ron Burgundy I'm expressing my inner anguish THROUGH THE MAJESTY OF SONG!
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Ron Burgundy Do you guys really want to know what love is?
Brick Tamland More than anything in the world, Ron.
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Ron Burgundy Wait, Veronica, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.
Veronica Corningstone You weren't here. Why are you being this way? Why can't you just be proud of me as a peer and my gentleman lover?
Ron Burgundy I can't believe you *did* this to me! You read my news!
Veronica Corningstone I told you that I wanted to be an anchor. I told you that.
Ron Burgundy I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke! I even wrote it down in my diary, "Veronica had a very funny joke today!" I laughed at it later that night!
Veronica Corningstone I can't believe that I cared for you.
Ron Burgundy Get out! Just go! We are through. Through! Because of your actions, you *scorpion* woman!
Veronica Corningstone You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy. You have broken my heart.
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Ron Burgundy I'm storming your castle on my steed, m'lady.
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Ron Burgundy I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.
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Brian Fantana So the team pancake breakfast is tomorrow morning at nine, instead of eight.
Ron Burgundy Oop... I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.
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[from trailer]
Ron Burgundy Hey Garth. How's the divorce?
Garth Holliday Oh, not so good... I'll probably never see my kids again...
Ron Burgundy [Interrupts, not listening] Fantastic!
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Ron Burgundy By the beard of Zeus!
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Champ Kind [uncut version] Tell me about it. I woke up this morning and I shit a squirrel. I mean it, literally. Hell of it is, damn thing's still alive. So I got this shit-covered squirrel down there in the office. Don't know what to name it.
Brick Tamland Oh, I'm sorry, Champ. I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.
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Ron Burgundy Brick, My sweet Brick. Brick, come hug me! I know you want to.
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Ron Burgundy Great Odin's raven.
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Ron Burgundy [sporting an erection after talking to Veronica, addressing the office] Don't act like you're not impressed.
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Ron Burgundy [picking up phone] Ron Burgundy. Stay classy, San Diego. Hello, Baxter? Baxter, is that you? Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee. Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the decency to say something.
[falls off chair screaming]
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Veronica Corningstone Jazz flute is for little fairy boys.
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Bill Lawson Bob Dylan once wrote, The times, they are a-changin. Ron Burgundy had never heard that song.
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Ed Harken Apparently, my son was on something called "Acid," and was shooting a bow and arrow into a crowd.
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Ron Burgundy Go easy on her, guys, she has feelings too, you know.
Brian Fantana Listen to Burgundy, he sounds like some school-boy bitch.
Champ Kind You sound like a gay.
Ron Burgundy Hey, this is me - Papa Burgundy. As far as I'm concerned Corningstone's fair game. Let the games begin. Wey-ho. Wey-ho.
Brian Fantana There he is, there he is... I'm very aroused
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[last lines]
Ron Burgundy We are laughing and we are very good friends. Good buddies sharing a special moment...
Brian Fantana Don't say anything Ron and just let it happen.
Ron Burgundy ...laughing and enjoying our friendship, and someday we'll look back on this with much fondness.
Brian Fantana Yeah, yeah. You know, you really ruin moments when you do that.
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Ron Burgundy [riding unicorns through cartoon Pleasure Town] Look, the most glorious rainbow ever.
Veronica Corningstone [Excited] Oh! Do me on it!
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Ron Burgundy [playing flute solo] Hey, Aqualung.
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Brick Tamland [after a rival news team insults Ron and the team. Brick is standing next to the rival team] Heinie...
[laughs]
Brick Tamland He said heinie!
Champ Kind Brick, get back over here!
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Wes Mantooth Today we spell "redemption"... R-O-N.
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[TV edit]
Veronica Corningstone For the entire Channel 4 news team, I'm Veronica Corningstone.
Ron Burgundy And I'm Ron Burgundy. You're a dirty bitch, San Diego.
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Ron Burgundy [the news team is in the bear pit, fighting] Hit 'em in the uvula!
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Angry Biker I want you to fix my chopper before I stomp your goofy ass.
Ron Burgundy If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waiting for ya, right here.
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Ron Burgundy [to Veronica Corningstone] I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head.
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Ron Burgundy [to Veronica Corningstone as the news has just gone off the air] You're a real hooker. I'm gonna slap you in public.
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Ron Burgundy The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show...
[kisses his biceps]
Ron Burgundy and see if she likes the goods.
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Veronica Corningstone This is pathetic.
Ron Burgundy You're pathetic.
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Ron Burgundy I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight.
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Ron Burgundy This is Ron Burgundy, proudly reporting once again for Channel 4 News. Today's story is one of the more remarkable things ever to happen to San Diego or even the world. But in order to properly retell it, I'm going to need some help from my co-anchor, Miss Veronica Corningstone.
Brick Tamland [comes on camera] High Pressure systems... High pressure systems...
Ron Burgundy [shoves Brick] No, no, no, no, Brick.
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Ron Burgundy Uncle Jonathan's corn-cob pipe.
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Ron Burgundy I don't normally do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breath-taking... heiney. I mean, that thing's good. I wanna be friends with it.
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Public TV News Anchor This is a great shot. Am I right Frank?
Frank Vitchard I'm not talking to you because you cut off my arm.
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Ron Burgundy [to Veronica] It's all right, my sweet chinchilla.
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Ron Burgundy For just one night let's not be Co-workers. Let's be Co-people.
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Tino You eat that cat *poop*!
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Brian Fantana [seriously] I'm telling you, this lady has really crawled into Ron's head.
Brick Tamland [breaks out laughing] That's a good one.
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Bill Lawson [voiceover] Brick Tamland is married with 11 children and is one of the top political advisors to the Bush White House.
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Brick Tamland Any moment now, a stork will come in with the new baby panda. Let's just see if I can see what's going on there.
[looks through the crowd at the panda giving birth]
Brick Tamland Oh God...
[starts crying]
Brick Tamland No... I don't understand...
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Tino We have a saying in my country about people like Mr. Burgundy. The coyote of the desert likes to eat the heart of the young... and the blood drips down to his children for breakfast, lunch, and dinner... and only the ribs will be broken...
Ron Burgundy [interrupts Tino]
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[following morning after Veronica compliments Ron's prowess]
Veronica Corningstone Well done sir.
Ron Burgundy And a tip of the cap to you, Miss Corningstone.
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Frank Vitchard [after having his other arm ripped off by a bear]
[shouts]
Frank Vitchard Aw, c'mon! It's getting to be ri-goddamn-diculous.
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Announcer [theme music begins] Channel 4 News, with five-time Emmy-award winning anchor Ron Burgundy. Champ Kind, Sports. Brick Tamland, Weather. And your reporter in the field, Brian Fantana. It's the Channel 4 News at 6:00.
Ron Burgundy Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy and here's what happening in your world tonight.
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Ron Burgundy [to an offscreen cameraman] I'm on right now?... I don't believe you.
[goes on smoking]
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Ron Burgundy By the beard of Zeus.
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Ron Burgundy [doing mouth exercises] How now brown cow.
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Public TV News Anchor Not so fast, you ingrates. Public News Team is taking a break from its pledge drive to kick some ass. No commercials, no mercy.
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Bartender You know, times are changing. Ladies can do stuff now and you're going to learn how to deal with it.
Ron Burgundy What? Were you saying something? Look, I don't speak Spanish.
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Ron Burgundy [picking his teeth] Ribs. I had ribs for lunch, that's why I'm doing this.
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Ron Burgundy [after Brian introduces Ron to a girl, who then later points toward her breasts] Uh-oh. She pointed to her boobies.
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Ron Burgundy [signing off] You stay classy, Planet Earth.
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Veronica Corningstone Mr. Harkin, I just wondering if you knew when my office would be ready.
Ed Harken Well, that might take some time. For now why don't you just grab a desk in the bullpen?
Ron Burgundy [shouting in a monotonous voice] YOU CAN USE MY OFFICE AND AFTERWARDS, MAYBE WE CAN GO TO LUNCH.
Ed Harken Lower your voice, Ron.
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Ron Burgundy [doing voice exercises] The arsonist has oddly-shaped feet.
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Angry Biker You've just destroyed the only thing I've ever loved. All right, there it is. What do *you* love?
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Brick Tamland Mm. I just burned my tongue.
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Ed Harken Ron, are you paying attention?
Ron Burgundy Nope!
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Ron Burgundy Come get a taste.
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Brick Tamland People like me because I'm quiet and well mannered. Years from now a Doctor will tell me that I'm retarded.
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Frank Vitchard [after getting his right arm sliced off by a machete] I did *not* see that coming.
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Ron Burgundy Antony and Cleopatra!
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Champ Kind He's standing in the middle of the baseline saying, "You gotta take home plate from me!" So there I go head first...
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Ron Burgundy [doing voice exercises] Unique New York.
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Wes Mantooth I didn't know that the Salvation Army was having a sale.
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Ron Burgundy [to waiter] I'll have three fingers of Glenlivet, with a little bit of pepper... and some cheese.
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Champ Kind What's it like, Ron?
Ron Burgundy The intimate times? Outta sight, my man.
Brian Fantana No, the other thing - love.
Brick Tamland Yeah, what is that?
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Frank Vitchard We've talked about this, Ron. A dog cannot be a gentleman!
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Public TV News Anchor Well, it looks like we got ourselves a bi-lingual bloodfest.
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Wes Mantooth I hate you, Ron Burgundy. I hate you.
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Ron Burgundy [trailer] Let's make a Baby!
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Spanish Anchor [hears police sirens] Policía!
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