We're the Millers Movie Quotes
Rose O'Reilly
You are making five hundred thousand dollars and you were only gonna pay me thirty?
Casey Mathis
You're making thirty grand? I'm only getting a thousand!
Kenny Rossmore
You guys are getting paid?
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Scottie P.
You know what I'm sayin?
David Clark
Well, I'm awake and I speak English, so yeah, I know what you're saying.
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Styist
OK, what are we doing today?
David Clark
Yeah. I say, give me somethin' that says, 'I get up every morning at 5:30 and commute for an hour and a half to some bullshit job where my jag-off boss expects me to kiss his balls all day just so I can afford to keep my ungrateful, screaming kids decked out in Dora the explorer shit and my wife up to her fat ass in self-help videos until the day I get up the courage to put a shotgun in my mouth.'
Middle Aged Man
[Indicating his own haircut]
Right here.
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Casey Mathis
These assholes are trying to steal my iPhone!
David Clark
Wait, you have an iPhone? Aren't you homeless?
Casey Mathis
So? Fuck you, dude!
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Casey Mathis
[On airplane, sitting next to Kenny. David is trying to appear normal, while introducing his "family" to the flight attendant]
Yeah. I'm going through all those typical teenage girl issues, like finals and college applications and am I gonna get asked to prom?
[Smiles]
Casey Mathis
[Conversationally]
Plus, I haven't gotten my period in, like, two months, which is really weird, because I've mostly just been doing anal...
[Kenny chokes on his water]
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David Clark
You can buy a house and run away from it.
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Kenny Rossmore
Hey, David.
David Clark
Hi, Kenny.
Kenny Rossmore
So, I heard you and Mrs. O'Reilly fighting.
David Clark
It's called flirting, Kenny. You'll learn about it in college. What the hell are you doing up? It's almost two. Where's your mom?
Kenny Rossmore
Uh, she went for a drink with a friend.
David Clark
When?
Kenny Rossmore
Last week.
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David Clark
[On the phone]
We're at the Corrales Regional Medical Center in the middle of Buttfuck, New Mexico.
Brad Gurdlinger
Why?
David Clark
Why? Why? Because this goddamn Kenny kid got his fucking nuts bit by a giant-ass spider, that's why!
Brad Gurdlinger
That is amazing. Will you let me know if he develops any superpowers?
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David Clark
She's going to be fine. Tattooed kid on a motorcycle. Actually, she might already be pregnant.
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Casey Mathis
[Opens fridge, which is completely full of marijuana]
Whoa. I think Snoop Dogg would fuck this fridge.
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Rose O'Reilly
You're such a dick. Have fun dying alone, jerk.
David Clark
Yeah, have fun digging out those singles from your crotch!
Rose O'Reilly
My crotch only takes twenties, David.
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David Clark
I'm here to pickup a smidge of pot.
David Clark
[Talking on the phone]
This is not a smidge of pot! You got me moving enough weed to kill Willie-fucking-Nelson, man!
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Rose O'Reilly
[Scottie P. is trying to make out with Casey, who is resisting]
Hey! Get your hands off of her! Come here, Casey. Now, you put your hands on her one more time, I swear I'm gonna rip that fucking tattoo right off of your chest.
[mocking]
Rose O'Reilly
You know what I'm sayin'?
Scottie P.
Oh, really, bitch?
Rose O'Reilly
Yeah, bitch.
Kenny Rossmore
You know what? Why don't you leave the girls alone, man.
Scottie P.
What are you gonna do about it, Eyebrows?
Kenny Rossmore
One... two...
Rose O'Reilly
[Punches Scottie P. in the face]
Scottie P.
OW! Broke my nose! You're a aggressive woman! Y'know wha' I'm sayin'?
[runs away]
Casey Mathis
I'm fine. That was awesome, you just fuckin' decked him!
Rose O'Reilly
Yeah, well, I've dealt with handsy assholes like him at work. Come on, let's just get out of here. Thanks for the backup. Kenny, what were you counting? If you're gonna punch somebody, you punch 'em on "one."
Kenny Rossmore
Well, David told me to count...
[Casey groans]
Rose O'Reilly
David? David hasn't punched anybody, ever.
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Todd - Strip Club Owner
Hey, Rose, I know you're
[air-quotes]
Todd - Strip Club Owner
"technically" on break, but I need a lap dance. Table five. Just don't get too close. The guy has two hook-hands.
Todd - Strip Club Owner
I don't know. He must've picked the locks.
[Chuckles]
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Melissa Fitzgerald
You're drug dealers?
Kenny Rossmore
No, we're drug smugglers.
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[during an argument in the RV]
David Clark
We are NOT the fucking Brady Bunch, all right? I'm Marky Mark and y'all are the *Funky Bunch*!
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Kenny Rossmore
So now you're going to become an even bigger drug dealer?
David Clark
Drug smuggler, Kenny. There's a difference.
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Rose O'Reilly
Lord, we thank thee for the blessing of this family vacation. May David find his bliss and bring us all back home safely. May Kenny and Casey fortify their sibling bond over the warm glow of our devoted hearts. And may this entire airplane find safe passage and a bountiful life. Even the Jews. Amen.
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David Clark
Oh, my God. You're a dude! Scared the hell out of me! I mean your voice was so much deeper than your bone structure.
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Kenny Rossmore
What did she say?
David Clark
What the fuck do you think? She said no.
Kenny Rossmore
Cool. So I guess it's just us, then. A little father and son bonding trip to Mexico.
David Clark
Are you kidding? You and me alone in a van? It'll look like the pervert Olympics.
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Rose O'Reilly
You're not a neighbor. You're a drug dealer. Whose apartment smells like cheese and feet.
David Clark
Mm. Yeah, it's a candle I got from Anthropologie. 'Cheesy Feet' is what they call it. It's a best-seller.
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David Clark
I just got ear-fucked in a tent. What do you want from me?
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David Clark
What the fuck is that?
Brad Gurdlinger
Oh, my orca. Yeah, I bought an orca. I make a lot of money.
David Clark
So you bought a whale?
Brad Gurdlinger
Well, I don't like sports cars.
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David Clark
Who the fuck is Pablo Chacon?
Brad Gurdlinger
I am. Yo soy Pablo Chacon. You don't get a lot of respect from the Mexicans when your name is Brad Gurdlinger, right?
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Todd - Strip Club Owner
Oh, great, Rose. Glad I caught you. Um, I wanted to go over a couple of minor policy changes that we have here at the club.
Rose O'Reilly
Like what?
Todd - Strip Club Owner
Like, I want you to start having sex with the customers for money.
Rose O'Reilly
What? That's totally illegal, Todd.
Todd - Strip Club Owner
Come on. What are you gonna do? Besides, I gotta stay competitive with those fuckers who just opened up across the street.
Rose O'Reilly
You mean the Apple store?
Todd - Strip Club Owner
Yeah! And they're killing us!
Rose O'Reilly
Oh, God. That's it. I can't do it. I quit.
Kymberly
[Enters]
Did you hear the good news? Now we get to fuck the customers for money!
[Squeals]
Todd - Strip Club Owner
Boner Garage loves it.
Rose O'Reilly
I'm out of here. I am out of here. I quit.
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Brad's Receptionist
Can I help you?
David Clark
Hi, you ordered two black guys. David Clark, here to see Mr Gurdlinger.
Brad's Receptionist
I will tell him you're here. Can I get you anything, coffee, tea, Fresca?
David Clark
Hmmmmm, you know what, a Fresca sounds really good.
Brad's Receptionist
You got it.
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Kymberly
Wow. You dance super-good.
Rose O'Reilly
Thanks.
Kymberly
I'm Kymberly. With a 'y'
Rose O'Reilly
I'm Rose. With an 'r'. Is that your stage name?
Kymberly
My what?
Rose O'Reilly
Something to protect yourself from all those creeps out there. You should pick one. You know, something simple and sexy but cute. Short, maybe. Do you have a nickname?
Kymberly
Totally!
Rose O'Reilly
Oh. Well, great. Then use that because you...
Kymberly
I even got a tattoo of it. Do you wanna see?
Rose O'Reilly
Uh, well, n...
Kymberly
[Pulls down panties, revealing tattoo that says "Boner Garage" with an arrow pointing to her crotch]
Check it out.
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David Clark
We are all now officially international drug smugglers. Add it to the resume.
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Brad Gurdlinger
Listen, this is a fucked up situation. But, I might have a win-win situation for both of us.
David Clark
Great.
Brad Gurdlinger
I have a smidge of very choice marijuana down in Mexico, and I need it here by Sunday night, but my regular currier is unavailable on the account of the fact he got gunned down. Anyway, that's where you come in.
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[Running to the rescue]
Kenny Rossmore
Unhand her!
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Brad Gurdlinger
Go for B-Rad
David Clark
Hey Brad, what the fuck!
Brad Gurdlinger
Uh oh, something wrong?
David Clark
Yeah, something's wrong. Something's very, very wrong. You said a smidge of pot, and this is not a smidge.
Brad Gurdlinger
Smidge and half, no?
David Clark
Look, you got me moving enough weed to kill Willie fucking Nelson, man. Ok, they are used a god damn bucket brigade to put it on the RV as we speak!
Brad Gurdlinger
Wait, you just walked in there, told them you were picking up for Pablo Chacon, and they were like "Yeah, no problem?"
David Clark
Why do you sound suprized by this?
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Kenny Rossmore
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Oh fuck a donkey it hurts so much!
David Clark
What hurts, Kenny?
Kenny Rossmore
I'm gonna die! I'm gonna fuckin' die!
David Clark
Kenny, you're not going to die. Tell me what's wrong.
Rose O'Reilly
What's wrong, Kenny?
Kenny Rossmore
Fuckin' spider bit me on my balls, David! On my balls, on my balls, on my fuckin' balls!
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Casey Mathis
Hey!
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David Clark
Do it for the girls. For Rose and Casey, because believe me, they won't last two days in a Mexican prison.
Kenny Rossmore
OK, I'll do it for the girls.
David Clark
Attaboy! I'm proud of you.
Mexican Cop
Hey, what's going on? Somebody sucking my dick or am I getting 1000 pesos?
David Clark
Pesos? Why didn't you say so?
Mexican Cop
A thousand.
David Clark
Oh, that's like 80 bucks American? Here's a 100. Keep the change.
Mexican Cop
Gracias
David Clark
Can't believe you were gonna suck that guy's dick. Come on, let's go.
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Brad Gurdlinger
It's all here! I'm blown away David, great job. But it's late, deadline was last night, so... sorry buddy. No deal.
David Clark
Brad, I almost got killed over this shit twice.
Brad Gurdlinger
Look, i'm not gonna be an asshole about this. I got two tons of premium weed, and yes you got Chacon pinched in the process, which is a huge win for team Brad. So how about we shake hands and call it even?
David Clark
You were never gonna pay me, were you?
Brad Gurdlinger
Is that a dick move? I can never tell anymore.
[DEA team then breaks in and arrests everybody]
David Clark
Kind of a dick move. right?
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Kenny Rossmore
FUCK! Oh, my God. I'm gonna die
Rose O'Reilly
Tell us what happened.
Kenny Rossmore
A fucking sipder bit me, David. It bit me on my balls, on my fucking balls!
Rose O'Reilly
Oh God. Let me see it, Kenny, let me see it.
Kenny Rossmore
No fucking way, you're not seeing it.
Rose O'Reilly
Come on. I can't help you unless you show it to me. Sweetie just show it to me.
David Clark
Kenny, will you just man up and drop your pants?
Casey Mathis
We've all seen a dick!
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Brad Gurdlinger
[On the phone with David]
I'm just getting some singing lessons from my main man Ben Folds Five. Ain't that right Ben Folds Five?
Ben Folds - Piano Teacher
My name is Ben Folds. "Five" is the name of the band.
Brad Gurdlinger
Remember the song we used to listen to? 'She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly' I've fucking got the guy. He's like my personal bitch.
Ben Folds - Piano Teacher
This gig sucks.
Brad Gurdlinger
Don't talk to me like that. I will have you killed and no one will miss your fucking nerd music.
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