Beavis and Butt-Head Do America 1996 - Movie Quotes

Beavis I am the great Cornholio. I need T.P. for my bunghole.

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Muddy Grimmes You got any last words before I kill you?

Butt-head I have a couple. Butt cheeks.

Beavis Yeah, yeah. And, uh, and boobs. I just wanna say that again. Boobs.

Muddy Grimmes I'm gonna blow you both to hell, that's what I'm gonna do!

Butt-head Cool.

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Beavis Hey, Butt-head, this book kicks ass. There's this talking snake, and a naked chick, and then this dude puts a leaf on his schlong.

Butt-head Cool.

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Beavis Damn it, this always happens. I think I'm gonna score, and then I never score. It's not fair. We've traveled, um, a hundred miles 'cause we thought we were gonna score. But now it's not gonna happen. Damn it!

Bus Driver Hey, buddy, sit down.

Beavis Shut up, ass-wipe! I'm sick and tired of this! We're never gonna score. It's just not gonna happen! We're just gonna get old like these people... but they've probably scored!

Bus Driver Hey, I'm warning you! SIT DOWN!

Beavis [motioning to Martha] It's, like, this chick's a slut. And look at this guy. He's old, but he's probably scored a million times!

Old Guy [nodding] Oh, yeah.

Beavis But not us. We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score!

Bus Driver [fed up with being disobeyed] ALL RIGHT! THAT'S IT, NUMB-NUTS!

[tackles Beavis to the floor]

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David VanDriessen You know, this could be a real positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover that we don't need TV to entertain us.

Butt-head Huh huh huh. He said, "Anus."

Beavis Entertain us, anus. Oh, yeah.

David VanDriessen Have you guys heard a word I've said?

Butt-head Uh, yeah. Anus.

Beavis [chuckling] Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I heard it, too.

David VanDriessen Look, guys, just take the TV back to the AV room right now. And try to be a little more open to life's experiences, okay?

Butt-head What a dork.

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Agent Bork Chief, you know that guy whose camper they were whacking off in?

Agent Fleming Bork, you're a Federal Agent. You represent the United States government. Never end a sentence with a preposition.

Agent Bork Oh, uh... You know that guy in whose camper they... I mean, that guy off in whose camper they were whacking?

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Hoover Dam Guide Now, can anybody tell me how much energy it takes to power Las Vegas?

Beavis Yeah, I just have a question. Um, is this a God dam?

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Butt-head's Dad Hey, one of you bastards got a match?

Butt-head Uh, yeah. My butt and your, uh, butt. Uh huh huh.

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[after a cavity search by a female FBI agent]

Butt-head Did I just score?

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Muddy Grimmes I'll pay you 10 grand plus expenses, all payable after you do her.

Butt-head Uh, do her?

Muddy Grimmes That's right, do her. I'm offering you $10,000 plus expenses to do my wife. We got a deal?

Beavis Actually, we just want to watch TV.

Butt-head Shut up, Beavis. Uh... Yeah, we'll do your wife.

Beavis No! I wanna watch TV!

Butt-head [slaps Beavis] Damn it, Beavis, you butt-munch. This guy wants us to score with his wife, and he's gonna pay us. We can buy a new TV.

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Butt-head [dying in the desert] Whoa, I think my life is, like, flashing in front of my eyes.

[shows Beavis and Butt-head from infancy to now, sitting on the couch, giggling and watching TV]

Butt-head Whoa. My life was cool.

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Agent Fleming Give us the unit!

Beavis Why does everybody want to see my schlong?

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[Dallas Grimmes mistakes Beavis and Butt-head for hit men who are hunting her]

Dallas Grimmes 10 grand?

[scoffs]

Dallas Grimmes Oh, that cheap ass. All right, I've got a better deal for you. I'll double it. I'll pay you 20 if you go back there and do him.

Butt-head You want us to do a guy? No way.

Beavis I don't know, Butt-Head. That is a lot of money. Maybe if we close our eyes and pretend he's a chick.

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[after apprehending Butt-head]

Agent Fleming Agent Hurly, I want you to give this scumbag a cavity search. I'm talking Roto-Rooter. Don't stop until you reach the back of his teeth.

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Beavis Hey, Butt-head, do you think we're ever going to score?

Butt-head Uh, I probably will, but not you. You're too much of a butt-monkey.

Beavis Shut up, dillhole.

Butt-head Butt dumpling.

Beavis Turd burglar.

Butt-head Uhhh... ass goblin.

Beavis Shut up, Butt-head. Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson live on this street?

Butt-head Uh, yep.

Beavis 'Cause, um, I just need to stop by his toolshed for a few minutes.

Butt-head [giggles] Tool.

Beavis Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

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Butt-head [over loudspeaker] Uh, attention. Attention. We're looking for the chick with big boobs.

Beavis [over loudspeaker] Yeah. We are ready to do you now.

Butt-head Butt-head, Beavis: Uh-huh-huh-huh.

Senators Uh-huh-huh-huh. Uh-huh-huh-huh.

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Little Old Lady I'm sorry. You have to speak up, son. I have this ringing in my ears. My doctor says it could be related to my heart palpitations.

Beavis Really? I poop too much.

Little Old Lady Oh. Maybe you're lactose intolerant.

Beavis I mean... No, no. I poop too much! And then I get tired.

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Tom Anderson Boy, I never seen two kids do so much damned whacking.

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Butt-head [ogling a female flight attendant] Come to Butt-head.

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Little Old Lady Oh, hello, there. Are you two heading for Las Vegas?

Beavis Yeah. We're gonna score.

Little Old Lady Oh, well, I hope to score big there, myself. I'm mostly gonna be doing the slots.

Beavis Yeah, yeah. I'm hoping to do some sluts, too. Yeah. Do they have a lot of sluts in Las Vegas?

Little Old Lady Oh, there are so many slots, you won't know where to begin.

Beavis Whoa. Hey, Butt-Head, this chick is pretty cool. She says there's gonna be tons of sluts in Las Vegas.

Butt-head Cool.

Little Old Lady It's so nice to meet young men who are so well-mannered.

Beavis Yeah. I'm gonna have money and a big screen TV and there's gonna be sluts everywhere. It's gonna rule.

Little Old Lady Well, that's nice.

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Little Old Lady [to her husband] I want you to meet two nice boys.

[She introduces Beavis first]

Little Old Lady This is Travis and Bob.

[to Butt-head]

Little Old Lady And, what's your last name, dear?

Butt-head Uh, Head. My first name is Butt.

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[eight M-16 assault rifles are pointed at him]

Butt-head This is the coolest thing I have ever seen.

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[in the trunk of Muddy's car, Butt-head finds a tire jack and begins pumping the handle]

Butt-head Hey, Beavis, check it out. I'm jacking off.

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Muddy You guys are late.

Butt-head Really? Did we miss Baywatch?

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Butt-head's Dad [sitting around a camp fire eating beans] Hey, you want to see something really cool?

[farts over camp fire which creates a fiery mushroom cloud]

Beavis FIRE!

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Butt-head [Butthead dreams that he's a giant and grabs a woman from a building] Uh, hey baby, I'm like pretty tall, uh huh huh huh

[a helicopter shoots at him]

Butt-head Damnit cut it out, I'm trying to score!

[Punches it]

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Tom Anderson [Anderson drives by] Something wrong, officer?

ATF Agent [holds up picture of B&B] Sir, we're looking for these two fugitives.

Tom Anderson Well, I'll be danged. That's them two kids that have been whacking in my camper.

ATF Agent You saw these two?

Tom Anderson I sure did. Boy, I've never seen two kids do so much damned whacking.

ATF Agent [on walkietalkie] This is post 9, I have positive ID.

Tom Anderson Boy, they're just like a couple of little old spidermonkeys, I tell ya.

ATF Agent Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you and your wife to step out of the vehicle.

Tom Anderson Well, now, wait a minute, me and the Mrs. here are on our way to Washington DC.

ATF Agent [points gun at Anderson] Now!

Tom Anderson [being led away] Now wait right there! You're dealing with a veteran of two foreign wars! *They're* the ones who've been whacking. I find anything broken, and I'll tangle...

Agent Fleming Masturbating in the man's camper. We're dealing with two sick individuals. I want that camper torn apart! Full cavity searches all around! Something tells me he could be involved.

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Beavis [starting to hallucinate] Hey Butt-head I'm starting to feel weird, I think I'm freaking out!

Butt-head Uh?, Okay.

Beavis This is cool! It's like everything's all weird and stuff, there's like all these weird shapes, it's sort of like, it's like... um like a music video!

[hallucinates that Butt-head is melting and demons are crawling out of his body]

Beavis Woah, what are you doing Butt-head?, stop it you're freaking me out, cut it out!

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[after Beavis and Butt-head enter the motel room]

Muddy Grimmes Man, Earl said you guys were young, but, jeez. Oh, well. As long as you can get the job done. What are your names?

Butt-head Uh, Butt-head.

Beavis Oh, I'm Beavis.

Muddy Grimmes Well, that's all right. I'd rather not know your real names, anyway. Mine's Muddy.

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[finds a switch in Hoover Dam labeled "Master Station Control" and tries to read it]

Butt-head Uh, Master-a... Masturbation Control?

[flicks the switch several times, making the lights in Las Vegas turn on and off]

Butt-head Hey, Beavis, check it out! I'm masturbating.

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[in a church confession booth]

Man I'm sorry. How many Hail Marys?

Beavis A thousand. And I want you to hit yourself, right now.

Man Um, now?

Beavis Yeah. Do it.

[the man hits himself]

Beavis Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harder.

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[noticing the open door, the stolen T.V., and the broken window]

Butt-head Whoa. I think just figured something out, Beavis.

Beavis What?

Butt-head This sucks.

Beavis Yeah. It really sucks.

Butt-head This sucks more than anything that's ever sucked before. We must find this butt-hole that took our TV.

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Pilot Get the hell out of the cockpit!

Butt-head Huh huh, you said...

Pilot Now!

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Beavis This sucks. It's all hot and stuff.

Butt-head This desert is stupid. They need to put a drinking fountain out here.

Beavis Yeah, yeah. Or, like a 7-Eleven or something.

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Butt-head [Beavis and Butt-Head roll the TV out of the school, it falls down the stairs and breaks] That was cool. Huh huh huh.

Beavis No, it wasn't.

Butt-head Uh, oh, yeah.

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Concierge [leading Beavis and Butt-head into their room] I'm sorry about that little misunderstanding, gentlemen. We didn't realize you were registered guests. If there's anything we can do to...

Beavis [sees TV and remote attached to table, tries to lift it] Damn it. This thing is stuck.

Concierge Sir, it's attached to the...

Butt-head You dumb-ass, let me try.

Beavis [stops] Hey, check it out. That guy's still standing there.

[Concierge holds out hand, expecting tip]

Butt-head Uhh, could you, like, not stand there and stuff?

Butt-head [as soon as concierge leaves] Some people are dumb.

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Butt-head It's like it's coming out of its ass, but then it's, like, also coming out of the ass of the ass.

Beavis It's like the poop's coming out of the ass of the ass. Yeah.

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Butt-head Do you know where Washington is?

Man [Pointing to the desert] Uh, yeah. About two thousand miles that way.

Butt-head Cool.

Beavis Thanks.

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David VanDriessen You know, this could be really positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover we don't need TV to entertain us.

Butt-head Uh-huh huh huh! He said "anus"!

Beavis "Entert-ain us", "ainus". Oh yeah! *laughs*

David VanDriessen *sigh* Have you guys heard a word I've said?

Butt-head Uhhh, yeah! Anus! *laughs*

Beavis Yeah! I heard it too! *laughs*

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Beavis Check it out, Butt-Head, Porta-potties.

Butt-head Cool. I gotta take a dump.

[they go inside confession booths]

Butt-head Uh... Where's the toilet?

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Tom Anderson What in the hell is that damn noise?

[goes inside his camper and sees Beavis]

Tom Anderson What?

Beavis Hey, how's it going?

Tom Anderson Pull your damn pants up, boy! I don't want to see that. Damn it, get out of here!

Tom Anderson [throws Beavis out of camper] And if I ever catch you whacking in here again, I'm gonna hogtie you.

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[last lines]

Beavis Hey, Butt-Head, do you think we're gonna ever score?

Butt-head I probably will, but not you. You're too much of a butt-monkey.

Beavis Shut up, dillhole.

Butt-head Butt-dumpling.

Beavis Turd burglar.

Butt-head Uh, ass goblin.

Beavis Shut up, Butt-Head. Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson live on this street?

Butt-head Uh, yeah.

Beavis 'Cause, I just need to stop by his tool shed for a couple minutes.

[laughs]

Beavis You know what I'm saying?

Butt-head Tool.

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Butt-head This is gonna be cool. We're gonna get paid to score.

Beavis Yeah. Then we're gonna get a big-screen TV, with two remotes.

Butt-head Beavis, this is the greatest day of our lives.

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[Arriving at the Hoover Dam]

Beavis We're in Washington.

Butt-head Yeah, yeah, we're gonna score.

Little Old Lady Actually, son, we're at the Hoover Dam.

Beavis No, no. We're in WASHINGTON!

Butt-head Yeah. WE'RE GONNA SCORE NOW!

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[Getting back on the bus]

Butt-head Wait a minute. We can't leave Washington till we find that chick.

Little Old Lady Oh, we're a long way from Washington, Bob. This is the Hoover Dam.

Beavis Dam? Heh heh. I'll be damned.

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Butt-head Whoa, cool. Hey, can I have a gun, too?

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President Clinton Beavis and Butt-head, on behalf of your fellow Americans I extend my deepest thanks. You exemplify a fine new crop of young Americans who will grow into the leaders of this great country.

Butt-head Huh huh huh huh. He said, "extend."

Beavis Oh, yeah.

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[walking down hallway of the White House, stops at picture of Nixon and stares at it]

Beavis Are you threatening ME?

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[checking out Chelsea Clinton]

Butt-head Hey, baby. I noticed you have braces. I have braces too.

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Agent Flemming Well, I'll be a monkey's bare-assed uncle.

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Marcie Anderson They're here to look at the TV, Tom.

Tom Anderson What? The TV ain't broken.

Beavis Uh, yeah it is.

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Beavis You must bow down to the almighty bunghole!

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Beavis Hey, Butt-head, are we gonna die?

Butt-head Uh... Probably.

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Ranger at Old Faithful There are over 200 active geysers in Yellowstone Park. Old Faithful here is one of the largest. During an eruption, the geyser can reach as high as 200 feet.

Butt-head So?

Ranger at Old Faithful The - the geyser shoots out over 12,000 gallons in a single eruption.

Beavis That's not that much, really.

Butt-head Yeah, really. Let's get out of here. Uh-huh-huh-huh.

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Beavis [Notices a vulture tugging at his body] Cut it out butt-hole!

[punches it]

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Dallas Grimmes [Grabs Beavis and Butthead and holds a gun on them] Alright who are you? CIA? FBI? ATF?

Beavis Hey Butthead it's her!

Butt-head Whoa! Uh, huh huh hey baby are we like, going to do it? Uh,huh,huh huh,

Dallas Grimmes [cocks the gun] You got two seconds!

Butt-head Uh, is that going to be enough time?

Dallas Grimmes [grabs him and pulls him up to her] Who sent you?

Butt-head Uh, this drunk dude, he said he was going to pay us to do you

Beavis Yeah, yeah, heh, heh, yeah!

[laughs]

Dallas Grimmes Muddy, son of a bitch!

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Little Old Lady Yoohoo! Travis and Bob Head! Hello!

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[repeated line]

Beavis I am Cornholio!

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Butt-head [the female flight attendant is serving dinner on the plane; Butt-head lingers behind her] So, uh, going to Las Vegas?

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Butt-head [approaches the female flight attendant] Uh, hey, I got a beer. Want some?

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Bill Clinton In recognition of your great service, I'm appointing you honorary agents in the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.

Butt-head Whoa. Alcohol and tobacco?

Beavis Yeah. And firearms! Yeah.

Bill Clinton Cool, huh?

Butt-head Cigarettes and beer kick ass.

Beavis Yeah, yeah. We're in the bureau of beer and fire and cigarettes. And maybe some chicks, too.

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[first lines]

Butt-head This is cool.

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Muddy Grimmes [showing a photo of Dallas] Here she is, boys. Her name's Dallas. She ain't as sweet as she looks. She stole everything from me. You gotta watch out, 'cause she'll do you twice as fast as you'd do her.

Butt-head Whoa. Uh huh huh huh. Cool.

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Beavis Something's wrong with my butt.

Butt-head Your butt sucks.

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Tom Anderson Boy, I tell you what, it really makes ya proud. I could stay in here all day.

FBI Agent Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

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Butt-head [Lifting up a trash can lid while searching for their TV] Uhhhh, it's not in here. Uh huh huh huh.

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Beavis [after spitting soda on Mr. Anderson's TV] Aaaahh! This crap is warm!

Butt-head Beavis, you butthole, you broke it.

Beavis Aaah, no! Dammit!

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David VanDriessen I assume you're a government agent. I would think you'd know there's something in this country called due process, okay?

Agent Fleming That's about the kind of talk I'd expect from the guy who taught these two. Take this scum away.

David VanDriessen I believe I'm supposed to be read my Miranda rights. Now, if...

[he is interrupted as an ATF agent slugs him in the chest with the butt of the rifle; VanDriessen moans in pain]

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Butt-head [Dallas enters the room] So uh, you want to, you know... uh, huh, huh, huh

Beavis [excitedly] Do it! We're finally going to score!

Dallas Grimmes Do it? You guys want to score?

[laughs]

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Dallas Grimmes [getting Beavis and Butthead's attention as they fight over her] Ahem, don't wear yourselves out boys

[unbuttons her shirt exposing her cleavage]

Dallas Grimmes save some energy for me

Butt-head This is it Beavis, we're finally going to score!

Beavis Thank God!

Dallas Grimmes [walking towards them] Oh yeah we're going to do it alright. Boys?

[the duo stare at her cleavage and laugh excitedly]

Dallas Grimmes Boys? Boys!

[they stop laughing]

Dallas Grimmes First you have to do a little job for me

[seductively touches Butthead's face]

Dallas Grimmes Would you like to do a little job for me? Here's what it is, I want you to take the bus to Washington, D.C., that's all, and when you get there I'll be waiting, you're going to make a whole lot of money, and I'm going to give you everything

[they laugh excitedly]

Dallas Grimmes until then keep your pants on.

[tosses Beavis' pants on his shoulder which she had sewn a chip containing a virus into]

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Flight attendant [to another passenger] Hi. We're serving dinner now. Our selections tonight are chicken piccata or seafood gumbo.

Beavis [raising his head a few rows in front] Piccata, TP caca!

Man Uh, excuse me, does the gumbo have corn in it?

Beavis [now standing with his hands up and his T-shirt collar raised over his head] I am Cornholio! I need piccata for my bunghole!

Flight attendant [to Beavis] You'll have to wait your turn, sir.

Beavis Are you threatening me? My bunghole will not wait!

Beavis [walking off towards the cockpit] Bungholio!

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Muddy Grimmes Alright, listen, this is important: my wife's got this leather satchel. I need you to bring it back. Sentimental value, know what I mean? Any questions?

Butt-head Uh, does she have big hooters?

Muddy Grimmes Heh heh, she sure does!

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Butt-head [to a news reporter] Uh, hey does anyone want to see my unit?

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Beavis [Beavis and Butthead open a motel room door to see McVicker being smacked in his bottom by a prostitute while Beavis and Butthead laugh] Oh. Oh yeah! Oh, Oh Yeah!

Principal McVicker Beavis and Butthead. Oh you little Bastards!

Beavis Can we watch your TV?

Principal McVicker No! You're expelled! Now Get out of here!

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Pilot [yells] Get the hell outta the cockpit!

Butt-head Huh-huh. You said...

Pilot [screams] NOW!

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Agent Fleming Book 'em Bork!

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Beavis and Butt-Head Do America Movie Quotes