Loser Movie Quotes
Dora Diamond
I love self-loathing complaint rock you can dance to.
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Dora Diamond
Well, you know how there are couples that stay together just because they feel like they can't do any better, or there are people who are sad and miserable and live alone? But then there's this microscopically teeny group of luck people who get to be with the person they're madly in love with.
Paul Tannek
Dora, you ever consider being in love and leaving out the "madly" part?
Dora Diamond
Well, what's the fun in that?
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Video Store Clerk
Could you maintain a rod and watch Billy Crystal at the same time? Nah, don't feel bad. No one can.
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Paul Tannek
Think you could turn it down just a skosh?
Chris
Skosh? What's that?
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Professor Edward Alcott
You know, I have this kind of crazy philosophy that your grades should represent your grasp of the material and not your negotiating skills - which are amazing, by the way.
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Professor Edward Alcott
Paul, Adam, Chris, Noah - they're all my little honor students, but they couldn't get through a copy of Rolling Stone between the four of them.
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Chris
I'm gonna tell you something, and this... this is gonna be for your own good, okay?
Paul Tannek
Okay.
Chris
No one likes you.
Paul Tannek
They don't?
Chris
No. You didn't notice?
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Chris
Man, our T.G. party was a total bust. Every time I got close to hittin' it with one of those new mamas, her evil girlfriend's got to show up and screw everything up.
Adam
What we need is a higher female-to-male ratio, like in cool nightclubs, you know, where they let in five times as many women as men.
Noah
How are we gonna get five times as many women to show up?
Adam
We have a party but we call it a fundraiser.
Chris
So we gotta think of a charity.
Adam
It's gotta be the right charity. It's got to attract hotties.
Chris
Yeah.
Noah
What's that country with all the babies?
Adam
China.
Chris
Romania.
Noah
No.
Chris
But wait, I don't know about babies. No, I mean, that's going to give 'em the wrong message.
Noah
How about AIDS?
Adam
Oh, THERE'S a mood-setter.
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Chris
Whoa! Whoa! Wha-what's goin' on?
Inspector
Inspections for drugs and alcohol.
Noah
What?
Adam
Since when?
Student
O'Brien from the eighth floor's in a coma.
Chris
So?
Student
So the board instigated some new policies.
Adam
[overlapping the next two lines] That-that-that-that-that-that-that...
Noah
This is whack!
Chris
Can they even DO this?
Adam
I'm callin' my father's lawyer. Our parents pay a lot of money for us to enjoy our college experience.
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Dora Diamond
You have a girlfriend?
Paul Tannek
Ex-girlfriend. We dated in high school.
Dora Diamond
Do you still see her?
Paul Tannek
No. She lost some weight over the summer, so she's dating a lot more now. You know how it goes.
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Adam
You gotta help me. Lisa is all primed but her helpful friend, fat Rita, will take her home unless she gets some action, too.
Noah
OK, first of all, I'm way too wasted to be operating heavy machinery. And second of all, I got this little spinner all G-ed out. She's liquid.
Adam
Leave her on the back burner. Take one for the team.
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Professor Edward Alcott
I'm sure if she were alive, Betty Friedan would applaud your little epiphany.
Dora Diamond
Oh really? Well, if Kafka was still alive he'd say "Stop misinterpreting my novels, you pretentious bonehead!"
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Paul Tannek
Oh, are you referring to the illegal drugs you disperse at parties?
Chris
What are you talking about? What, are you gonna turn into a narc on us?
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Paul Tannek
What kinda drugs were you giving out here?
Chris
Drugs? Man, all we had was BEER.
Paul Tannek
You can't pass out from beer.
Chris
Yes, you can, if you take something before you drink it!
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Dora Diamond
It isn't ennobling, being poor. It just makes you mean.
Paul Tannek
Yeah, that's why all the really nice people are rich.
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Noah
There you are again with those books! What is that?
Paul Tannek
Studying?
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Dora Diamond
You think I don't know anything!
Professor Edward Alcott
[flirtingly]
I think you know how to walk in a pair of platform Mary Janes. I think you know how to style your hair with an egg beater.
Dora Diamond
You are so condescending!
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Adam
[noticing Paul's dorky hat]
That is a great hat! Did the producers of Fargo have a garage sale?
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Prisoner
[handcuffed to a cop, watching a baldness treatment product TV commercial in the hospital waiting room]
Losing your hair sucks.
Paul Tannek
They say it comes from your mother.
Prisoner
[aggressively]
My mother's got hair, you know!
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Chris
Come on! You're my asshole buddy. Look, since O'Brien died...
Paul Tannek
What?
Chris
O'Brien, on the eighth floor, he died. So they've instituted this new policy where they're, like, doing grocery inspections to make sure there's no alcohol coming in, and they're doing spot checks to make sure that there's, like, one guest per person. Just because one guy can't monitor his buzz, all of us got to suffer.
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Paul Tannek
Hey, has anybody seen my toothbrush?
Chris
[from the other room]
You can't find it? Shit, you better find that thing, man. Those things can cost up to $2.50.
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