Twins Movie Quotes
Julius Benedict
I did nothing. The pavement was his enemy.
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Julius Benedict
My name is Julius and I am your twin brother.
Vincent Benedict
Oh, obviously! The moment I sat down I thought I was looking into a mirror.
Julius Benedict
We are not identical twins.
Vincent Benedict
Oh, no?
Julius Benedict
No.
Vincent Benedict
I wouldn't be too sure of that, pal.
Julius Benedict
I don't lie. I am your brother.
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Vincent Benedict
Money talks and bullshit walks!
Julius Benedict
How can bullshit walk?
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Julius Benedict
You have no respect for logic.
Vincent Benedict
But he's got an axe!
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Julius Benedict
Axe, axe, axe, axe, axe!
Morris Klane
[swings the axe at Julius]
Julius Benedict
You have no respect for logic.
Vincent Benedict
But he's got an axe!
Morris Klane
[Klane charges Julius, who sidesteps his blow. The axe is imbedded in the wall. As Julius grabs him]
Julius Benedict
And I have no respect for those who have no respect for logic.
[picks Klane up with both hands and lifts him a foot up in the air]
Julius Benedict
You're a very stupid person.
[throws him into an open elevator]
Vincent Benedict
[to Klane as the elevator is about to close]
You tell your brother, he messes with ME, he messes with my whole family!
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Vincent Benedict
[impressed with Julius's fighting abilities]
You could be a boxer or something. I could be your manager.
Julius Benedict
No, I could never fight for money.
Vincent Benedict
Well that's fine. You fight, I'll keep the money.
Julius Benedict
Actually, I hate violence.
Vincent Benedict
But you're so good at it!
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Julius Benedict
I don't know what the problem is, but I'm sure it can be solved without resorting to violence.
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Julius Benedict
Wait a minute. You forgot the third rule in a crisis situation.
Webster
What third rule?
Vincent Benedict
Third rule?
Julius Benedict
Yeah, third rule.
Webster
What's the third rule?
Julius Benedict
Julius Benedict, Vincent Benedict: Duck!
[Vincent hits the crane switch which drops a pile of chains on Webster burying him]
Vincent Benedict
Yo! Holy shmoly! Now there's a man with a lot on his mind.
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Julius Benedict
Thank you for the cookies. I look forward to tossing them.
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Julius Benedict
[to Klane]
Now the first rule in the crisis situation, you negotiate first and you attack last.
Vincent Benedict
You negotiate *first* and then you attack?
Julius Benedict
You never negotiated.
Julius Benedict
You don't know what kind of an enemy I am.
Morris Klane
Who are you?
Julius Benedict
Vincent's brother.
Julius Benedict
That's right.
Morris Klane
[smashes a glass case and grabs a fire axe]
You're firewood.
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Mitchell Traven
We weren't making milkshakes. We were making the most fully developed human the world has ever seen.
Vincent Benedict
But instead of just one perfect kid, Mom had the two of us.
[smiling]
Vincent Benedict
Way to go, Mom.
Mitchell Traven
Wrong. The embryo did split in two, but it didn't split equally. All the purity and strength went into Julius. All the crap that was left over went into what you see in the mirror every morning.
Vincent Benedict
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're telling me that I'm the crap?
Julius Benedict
No, this is not true, Vincent.
Vincent Benedict
Wait a minute, Julius. I wanna hear this.
[to Traven]
Vincent Benedict
You're telling me that I am the left over crap? That I'm no good?
Julius Benedict
He's *wrong*.
Mitchell Traven
[points at Vincent]
Look at him.
Vincent Benedict
Are you saying that... I'm a side effect?
Mitchell Traven
You haven't got the brain power to understand this, and I haven't got the time. Show's over.
[He starts to walk out, leaving Vincent stunned and heartbroken. Julius seizes him by the coat]
Julius Benedict
Hey! Dickhead... tell us where our mother is.
Mitchell Traven
Ah... Whispering Pines. It's an artists' colony 200 miles north of Santa Fe.
Julius Benedict
If you're lying to me...
[Traven holds up his hands and shakes his head]
Julius Benedict
I'll be back.
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[Mary Ann enters the twins' office, holding a teddy bear]
Mary Ann Benedict
Excuse me? I'm... oh, my God, I don't even know which one is which. I'm sorry, I didn't know. You-you see, I didn't believe your story. I mean, who would believe a crazy story like that? They lied to me all these years. They lied to you, too. You found each other... now you found me.
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Beetroot McKinley
[answers the phone]
Beetroot McKinley talking. Who is this?
Vincent Benedict
Uh... Webster - calling from California. I happen to have something, uh, some merchandise, that you, uh, that you might want.
Beetroot McKinley
Well, bring it to me, son. Let me enrich you.
Vincent Benedict
Well, uh, Mr. Beetroot, it's the amount of enrichment that I wanted to talk about.
Beetroot McKinley
Don't try and renegotiate with old Beetroot, son.
Vincent Benedict
Look, Beetroot, if we can't renegotiate, we wither and die. Look, there's no way Mr. Beetroot, that I am gonna deliver any damn Cadillac, unless I know for sure that I have... TWENTY for my cut.
Beetroot McKinley
Twenty? You little shit-for-brains peckerwood! You're out of your goddamn crazy diseased greedy mind!
Vincent Benedict
Well, I guess that seems a little high for you.
Beetroot McKinley
YEAH.
Vincent Benedict
Well, I'm a reasonable man, uh, how 'bout fifteen?
Beetroot McKinley
The deal is FIVE!
Vincent Benedict
FIVE? I can do better than five here.
Beetroot McKinley
If you can do better than five million dollars, then, son, you take it.
Vincent Benedict
[starts to have trouble breathing]
Vincent Benedict
[having trouble talking]
Beetroot, I'll see you in Houston. After all, fair is fair. I'll just have to find it in my heart to live with your offer.
Beetroot McKinley
Well, good.
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[after their visit to Los Alamos]
Vincent Benedict
My life just got flushed down the toilet.
Julius Benedict
No, Vincent. Your life is just about to begin.
Vincent Benedict
I'm genetic garbage.
Julius Benedict
We're twins. We're basically the same.
Vincent Benedict
Look, Julius, I don't know if you've noticed yet, but we are not twins! We don't look the same, we don't talk the same, and we don't dress the same!
Julius Benedict
I know.
Vincent Benedict
So if we're so alike, how come we're so goddamn different?
Julius Benedict
We had six fathers. We're many parts of a lot of different people.
Vincent Benedict
Yeah?
Julius Benedict
And don't forget, the reason why we don't act the same is that we were seperated and raised in two different enviroments. I was taken to a beautiful island and socially isolated from the rest of the world. I was cared for, educated, looked after. You had nobody, Vincent. No one to love you, teach you, or encourage you. You grew up in a society where the only thing life taught you is that the only person you can count on is yourself. You see, Vincent, you're the missing part of my life. And I'm the missing part of your life. And when we find Mama, we can be the missing part of her life. We won't be alone anymore. We can be a family.
Vincent Benedict
A family?
Julius Benedict
Yes.
Vincent Benedict
You mean, like, with a Christmas tree... and Thanksgiving dinner?
Julius Benedict
And a real home, where you'll always be welcome.
Vincent Benedict
Always?
[Vincent laughs, and tearfully hugs Julius]
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Julius Benedict
Why are you being so immature about all this?
Vincent Benedict
Look, Julius. Do you know how many times I've heard stories like this? It's every orphan's fantasy. My real mom and dad were rich, and beautiful. But... there was a mix-up at the hospital. And I got switched with another baby. But one day, there's gonna be a knock at the door. And there they'll be, with open arms, crying, "My darling. My treasure. We didn't know. How can we make it up to you?" Let me tell you something for your own good Julius. It a CROCK!
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[Vince hides as Burt comes into the restaurant]
Linda Mason
Hi!
Burt Klane
Hi.
Linda Mason
Can I help you?
Burt Klane
Uh, yeah... where's the little shit?
Linda Mason
Uh, you'll have to be more specific.
Burt Klane
Benedict.
Linda Mason
Oh, he wouldn't come in here! Isn't that right, Marnie?
Marnie Mason
Who, Vincent?
[wipes down a table, dumping scraps on Vincent's head]
Marnie Mason
That weasel? That creep? I wouldn't serve him if he crawled in here on his hands and knees.
[Vincent scrambles out on his hands and knees]
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Julius Benedict
For the first time in my life, I'm... *pissed off*!
Vincent Benedict
[trying to hold Julius back]
Julius, don't do this to me! I got a car to deliver! The last thing I need is a detour to the slammer!
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Linda Mason
[Linda sees Vince on the street and is thrilled to see him]
Vince!
Marnie Mason
I thought you broke up with him!
Linda Mason
I did, I did.
[kisses Vince]
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Julius Benedict
You moved too soon.
Burt Klane
[confused]
What?
Julius Benedict
The second rule in the crisis situation.
Morris Klane
Uh oh, he's starting that funny talk again.
Julius Benedict
If you choose to bluff, you must be prepared to have your bluff called.
Burt Klane
This is no bluff.
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Burt Klane
Hey Vince, we haven't forgotten about you. You better have our money tomorrow morning, or else.
Vincent Benedict
Or else WHAT, you blimp!
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[Traven reads a newspaper story about the twins, then lowers it to see Mary Ann standing there, glaring at him]
Mitchell Traven
Mary Ann? What a pleasant surprise...
[he starts to rise from his couch]
Mary Ann Benedict
You stole my family... you *lying son of a bitch*!
[She yanks him upright by his tie, then decks him with her fist]
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[in Granger's study]
Granger
Mary Anne Benedict. Boy, I haven't said that name for over 30 years. Your mother was an amazing woman. Sometimes I wondered what would have happened if I'd married her.
Julius Benedict
Why didn't you?
Granger
Well, I asked her to, but she turned me down. Said she was afraid to have any more children. You see, they told her you had died at birth.
Julius Benedict
Who told her we died?
Granger
[points to the group photo]
Mitchell Traven, the guy with the clipboard. He supervised the experiment for the government. He still runs the genetics lab at Los Alamos, New Mexico.
Julius Benedict
I'll have to pay him a visit.
Granger
Watch out for him. He's kind of a dickhead, if you know what I mean.
Julius Benedict
"Dickhead"? No, I don't... but I'm learning.
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Vincent Benedict
Women love men who are mysterious and devious. It keeps them on their toes. It excites them. You know what I mean?
Julius Benedict
No.
Vincent Benedict
You do like women?
Julius Benedict
Oh, very much so. They're strange and sensitive. They have compassion. I have the highest respect for women.
Julius Benedict
That's private.
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Mitchell Traven
Well, Vincent. You turned out just like I thought you would. What'd you do, escape from prison?
Vincent Benedict
How'd you know my name?
Mitchell Traven
I named you.
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Burt Klane
[knocking at the door]
Open up, Vince. Come on, we know you're in there, we just wanna talk to you.
Bob Klane
[Klane Brothers come bursting in]
Howdy!
Burt Klane
[to Webster]
Who are you?
Webster
That's not really important, is it? I was just feeding the cat and then I was gonna leave.
Burt Klane
[Firmly]
I asked you a question.
Webster
Well who are you?
Bob Klane
We're the Klane Brothers. That's Burt, this is Morris, and I'm Bob.
Webster
Interesting gene pool.
Burt Klane
Don't cast aspersions of my family.
Webster
Oh I beg your pardon, but you're looking for Vince Benedict, right?
Burt Klane
Right.
Webster
My Vince Benedict?
[Burt and Morris look at one another]
Webster
So what difference does it make who I am?
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Vincent Benedict
Through the lips, over the gums...
Julius Benedict
Look out stomach! Here it comes!
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Vincent Benedict
Whoa, where you going with my desk?
Mover #1
Takin' back this furniture, man.
Mover #2
You're six months behind.
Vincent Benedict
You're behind! Six months behind. That's the problem. There's no trust in the world anymore.
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[Vince's neighbor comes over to Linda]
Female Neighbor
Excuse me? Excuse me. Never sleep with that man, never loan him money, and never believe a word he tells you. That's free advice.
Vincent Benedict
Morning, Agnes.
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[over dinner in a bar]
Julius Benedict
Did you know that they had beer in ancient Egypt?
Linda Mason
No.
Julius Benedict
Actually it was invented by the Assyrians, but the Egyptians were the first people to perfect the malt fermentation process.
Linda Mason
You know a lot about beer.
Marnie Mason
He knows a lot about everything.
Julius Benedict
It's all from books.
[raises his bottle]
Julius Benedict
Until tonight, I never had a beer. It's all theory and no practice. Ah, that's the story of my life.
Linda Mason
Aw...
Vincent Benedict
Well, we're gonna change all that... aren't we, Marnie?
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Vincent Benedict
Well, that's it. The last check is written. What do we have left out of the $50,000 reward?
Julius Benedict
Well, after we've paid off all our debts, we have exactly $12,278.
Vincent Benedict
$12,278... that's terrible.
Julius Benedict
What?
Vincent Benedict
That is terrible.
Julius Benedict
Oh, you're just upset because I made you return that suitcase.
Vincent Benedict
Oh, the money... you mean the $4 million. $4 million, just say it. I mean, just say it, "four *million* dollars." That's a lot of money Jules.
Julius Benedict
Now, isn't it great to be one of the good guys for a change?
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Miss Busby
[on the phone]
Yes, this is the Benedict Corporation. We are a consulting firm. A think-tank. Something like the Rand Corporation...
Miss Busby
Only smarter.
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Vincent Benedict
The Klane boys. What an unpleasant surprise.
Burt Klane
Vince, this has gone way beyond a case of simple loan delinquency.
Bob Klane
We don't like bein' shot.
Vincent Benedict
Shot? Who shot ya?
Julius Benedict
What do you want?
Burt Klane
We want to take Vince out to the parking lot and kill him.
Vincent Benedict
Don't you think that's a little drastic?
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Vincent Benedict
I got another six hours to pay the money back and tell the Klane brothers that harassing a man who's already in the slammer is beneath even them.
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Webster
[On Vince's trail, Webster has come to his house, and finds it empty, save for Julius, the cat]
Well what have we here? What a cute little kitty! So, where's Daddy?
Webster
[Picking up the cat, he finds the information Vince wrote down in the trash basket. He holds it up to read it]
Well, well, well. Thank you very much...
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Julius Benedict
I'm really worried about you, Vincent. How much money do you owe? Now don't lie to me. We're twins. I can feel your pain.
Vincent Benedict
Why do you keep saying that? We're not twins, were not brothers, we're nothing.
Julius Benedict
Twenty thousand?
Vincent Benedict
Due this morning.
[gets in the car]
Julius Benedict
Now don't worry about anything, Vincent. As long as I'm with you, I won't let anyone harm you. Okay?
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Julius Benedict
[arriving at Granger's mansion]
I'm terribly sorry to disturb your party and I realize this might sound strange, but I'm looking for someone who lived here a long time ago.
[Julius hands him his group photo of his mother, six fathers, Traven, and Werner]
Julius Benedict
Mary Anne Benedict. She was my mother.
Granger
[looks up, surprised]
You're Mary Anne's son?
Granger
Why don't you go help your grandma with lunch, honey?
Granger
...Dad?
Julius Benedict
No. Well... yes, I suppose, one of them...
Granger
[hugs him]
Dad! Dad! One of my fathers!
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Vincent Benedict
[after Julius throws loanshark Morris Klane into an elevator; calling after Morris as the elevator doors close]
You tell your brother, he messes with me... he messes with my whole family!
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[repeated line]
Julius Benedict
We are twins.
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Morris Klane
[after being told by Julius that he is Vincent's twin brother]
You're fire wood!
[Morris smashes a fire axe out of its container]
[Morris swings the axe at Julius who dodges the swing]
Vincent Benedict
But he's got an axe!
[with an enraged yell, Morris charges at Julius. Julius dodges out of the way and Morris swings the axe into the wall. Julius grabs him by the lapels of his jacket and hoists him up into the air]
Julius Benedict
And I don't respect to those who have no respect for logic.
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Julius Benedict
You have no respect for logic. And I have no respect for those who have no respect for logic. You are a stupid person.
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Julius Benedict
If you're lying to me, I'll be back.
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Vincent Benedict
I got this disease called a conscience.
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Vincent Benedict
He's got a lot on his mind.
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Mary Ann Benedict
It doesn't matter. You get over things.
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Vincent Benedict
Do I look normal to you?
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Vincent Benedict
Do I look like I need help?
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[last lines]
Mary Ann Benedict
Good. Tickets.
Linda Mason
Thanks, this is gonna be great.
Mary Ann Benedict
[as they turn to look at Julius and Vincent]
I just can't get over how alike they are.
Vincent Benedict
Oh yes, it's a beautiful day.
[Julius and Vincent yawn in unison, and the camera pans down to show each of them pushing a stroller with twin children in them]
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