The Benchwarmers Movie Quotes
Charlie Catcher
You're ssstill out.
Richie
You're ssstill fat!
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Howie
For years I thought the sun was a monster. But I am here to tell you that it's not a monster! IT'S NOT A MONSTER!
[cries]
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Richie
He just did that steroid free!
Clark
What's steroids?
Richie
Something that makes your 'pee-pee' smaller.
Clark
Ohh... there must be steroids in macaroni!
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Richie
I got 11 foul ticks!
Clark
I got 20 eyes-closed strike outs, 5 broken windshields, and 6 dead birds! I'm freakin' awesome!
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Howie
Richie told me about the serial killers thats loose in in our neighborhood killing anyone named Howie! THAT'S MY NAME! That's my name!
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Gus
Man! I haven't even been on a baseball field in over 10 years.
Clark
I've never been on a baseball field, if I did, the kids in my neighborhood would spit loogies on my forehead.
Gus
Thats horrible, baseball's America's past time... thats like saying you've never had apple pie.
Gus
You've never had apple pie?
Clark
My mom said it would give me diarrhea.
Gus
That's ridiculous, Clark! You have to try it at least once!
Clark
Diarrhea?
Gus
No! Baseball!
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Brad
Bring it!
Clark
Suck it!
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Mel
Have you even known the joys of having children?
Richie
Never had a date.
Clark
Never talked to a girl.
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Brad
Hey, what the... Clark? Richie? I hardly recognised you clowns without the underwear on your heads!
Richie
Brad! Wow, you have really not slimmed down!
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Brad
So I heard from Jerry you tools think you're athletes now?
Richie
That's funny, I didn't know athlete had three syllables, A-tha-lete? That's ama-za-zing.
Brad
You think you're hot shit 'cos you know words.
Clark
Hey Brad, why don't you be a stud and point us towards the register, or... Register... er...!...
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Old Man
I smell Cinnamon Rolls!
Richie
Oh, I smell Cinnamon Rolls too.
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Gus
Clark, could you not pick your nose in front of me?
Clark
I'm not picking, I'm scratching.
Gus
Scratching what? Your brain?
Clark
Yeah, 'cause it's huge.
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[repeated line]
Richie
I love... salad.
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Richie
Clark, we don't play baseball.
Clark
I told Gus that we would be there, and if we don't show up, that makes me a liar... and that's not what I'm about... Not now, NOT EVER!
Richie
Okay, Okay Daytime Emmy
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Richie
I guess I'm no longer a virgin... to home runs, BYOTCH!
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Howie
I used to think the sun was evil but now I know it's not.
Wayne
How's the moon treating you.
Howie
Not a fan.
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[Carlos is drinking a tequilla while pitching]
Carlos
Maria? Why did you leave me?
Mel
Letting that 12 year old drink like that is disgusting.
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Kyle
Leave our field or you will suffer the consequences!
Richie
What is this, "children of the corn"?
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Kyle
I'm gonna call the cops!
Clark
We are cops!... We're navy seals!
Kyle
Navy seals aren't cops!
Troy
Aren't you our paperboy?
Clark
...I'm undercover
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Gus
Nice meeting you, Fairy Jerry.
Jerry
What was that?
Gus
Well, you gave Clark and Richie nicknames. I thought I'd give you one: Fairy Jerry.
Jerry
Oh, really?
Jerry
Okay, Gus- Gus... Gus Bus! That's you, Gus Bus!
Gus
Oh, that was a brutal comeback. Come on guys, let's go. I don't think I can ever get over that one. Whew!
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Richie
Yeah, I bet you're a real good catcher... of donuts in your mouth.
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Mel
Richie, do you have any kids?
Richie
Never had a date.
Mel
Clark?
Clark
Never spoke to a girl.
Mel
Gu-Gus?
Gus
Ugh, My wife and I are kinda working on it.
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Mel
Reggie and I met at Tuba Camp when we were kids
[shows picture of Reggie and Himself playing their tubas when they were younger]
Gus
HAHA,Reggie that was you?
Reggie Jackson
[angrily]
What are you laughing about?I was a cute kid.
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Kyle
Time to meet your makers!
Clark
Makers of what? POOP?
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Mel
Keep it under a billion, that's all I got... on me hahaha.
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Carlos
Looks like the Gus Bus is out of gas.
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Howie
[quivering]
Carlos?
Carlos
Who say my name?
Howie
[gives him 2 packs of beer and a tequila]
I brought you a present from the Benchwarmers. You're really good at baseball.
[bold]
Carlos
Now get lost!
Howie
[cowers away screeching]
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Poker Guy #1
[speaking about Gus]
That guy damaged more kids than anybody I knew. He made my life hell growing up.
Karl
You're twice his size, you could crush that little puke!
Poker Guy #1
He didn't do the physical warfare! He played the psychological card by attacking your weaknesses. I started losing my hair when I was nine years old. And he jumped all over it with the mean nicknames! Eight ball. Bowling ball. Kojak. Mr. Clean. Cream of Wheat guy. Scatman Crothers. The black Uncle Fester!
Poker Guy #2 A.K.A. O'Malley
How about the black, bodybuilding Charlie Brown?
Poker Guy #1
He used that too!
[starts crying]
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Gus
[upon seeing Carlos enter] Hey, what's going on here? How come he's playing?
Wayne
Oh, ah, I couldn't play him before because he was feeling ill.
Carlos
Me tummy, es sicko.
Umpire
Well you got proof he's a kid?
Gus
Come on! Look at his beard. He's 50.
Wayne
Not according to birth certifico.
[hands umpire the crumpled up paper he saw earlier]
Umpire
[looks inside and sees 'I am 12' written in green crayon, with a picture of Carlos and $10. He carefully pockets the $10 and folds the paper back up] He's got documentation. Play ball!
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Clark
Hold on I got a text from my mom... NO WAY we're having maccroni tonight that means garlic bread! Yes!
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Brad
You guys think you're athletes now?
Richie
Haha that's funny I didn't know ath-e-letes had three syllables... thats ama-za-zaing.
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Howie
What's going all the way?
Wayne
[whispers in Howie's ear]
Howie
Oh.
[squeezes suntan lotion and screams]
Howie
Aaaaaah!
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Old Man
I smell cinnamon rolls.
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Richie
Are you guys ready to scr-mi-mimage?
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Clark
We could still win this thing.
Richie
Wha-how?
Clark
If we use the force.
Richie
Let's try not to be too geeky, Clark.
Clark
The Force is powerful, my young padawan.
Howie
He's right. It is.
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Poker Guy #1
Yeah, Gus Matthews was easily the biggest bully in Brookdale!
Principal
Well, you weren't the nicest kid in school either, Steven.
[knocks off Steven's wig]
Principal
What a baby.
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Gus
Let's go kick some hairless ass!
Mel
I had hair in my ass before i could *walk*.
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Mel
Howie, you're a freak.
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Gus
[shouts] Clark! Try to hit the ball in the strike zone.
Clark
Well where's the strike zone?
[he gets a bit distracted during the pitch]
Umpire
Strike two!
Gus
Right there.
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Marcus Ellwood
Do you still think I look like Yoda?
Gus
No.
Marcus Ellwood
But Yoda's my favorite! You're a bad, bad man!
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Howie
Richie?
[hands out a bottle of urine]
Richie
Okay, buddy.
Clark
Is that apple juice?
Richie
Nooo.
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Number 7 Robot
Oh Shit!
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[seeing three Howie's thru his blurred vision]
Carlos
Look at all those Albinos.
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Richie
[after Salad Girl gives back a video]
Well, I am management, so I'm gonna waive the late fee.
Salad Girl
Oh, they're not late, but thank you.
[Richie laughs nervously]
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Gus
I think this is a sign that you should get a car.
Clark
My mom said I should hold off on getting my license for another year.
[extends arms forward and then retracts]
Clark
She wants to make sure my reflexes are fully developed.
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Clark
Is bad ass one or two words?
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Richie
[after pulling up to Mel's house]
Wow,I always wondered who lived here, I just thought it was Clay Aiken or something.
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Gus
My wife is the only one who gets to twist these man titties.
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Mel
If you build it, nerds will come.
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Clark
What's steroids?
Richie
Something that makes your pee-pee smaller.
Clark
There must be steroids in macaroni!
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Mel
Yes. This is my son Nelson. He's become quite the fart magnet for the neighborhood bullies.
Nelson
I also get a healthy smear of animal turds twice daily.
Clark
When I was your age, Fairy Jerry dumped a bucket of dog poop on me.
Nelson
His son just did that to me last week.
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[looking at Mel's Pontiac Firebird Trans Am]
Clark
This car is so radical. Looks just like K.I.T.T. from the show Knight Rider.
Mel
It is K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider. Watch this.
[Mel activates the car with his watch]
K.I.T.T.
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm K.I.T.T.
Mel
Oh, I'm just one of those nerds who grew up... to make billions.
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Troy
Listen, we have a game tomorrow, and there's only one field to practice on - so, beat it!
[pushes Nelson]
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Gus
Move over honey, I gotta take a leak.
Liz
Oh my God! You're not kidding!
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Gretchen Peterson
Move your ass Richie!
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[Gus, Richie, and Clark are playing Ding-Dong Ditch at Brad's house]
Brad
[Brad opens the door]
Who's there? You better run you smart alecks.
Swimmer Boy
Who is it Brad?
Brad
Just a bunch of punks, who better watch their backs!
Swimmer Boy
[Comes outside wearing only a speedo]
Relax, smarty pants. Lets finish the massage.
Richie
Does Brad have a pool?
Gus
I don't think so.
[Gus, Richie, and Brad act disgusted]
Brad
Yeah, I guess you're right. Oh, you little devil. I'm gonna get you
[Brad chases the Swimmer Boy back into the house]
Richie
Nightmares.
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