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Kinoafisha Films The Disaster Artist The Disaster Artist Movie Quotes

The Disaster Artist Movie Quotes

[from trailer]

Sandy Schklair Action!

[Wiseau enters the scene]

Tommy Wiseau I did not hit her. It's not true. It's bullshit! I did not hit her. I did not.

[throws water bottle on the ground]

Tommy Wiseau Oh, hi Mark.

[pause, then the crew applauds before Greg hugs Wiseau]

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Mrs. Sestero How old are you?

Tommy Wiseau Don't worry, I'm Greg age.

Mrs. Sestero You're 19?

[Tommy shrugs]

Mrs. Sestero [Sarcastic] Yeah. I just turned 14.

Tommy Wiseau [Not knowing it's sarcastic] Wow, happy birthday!

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Judd Apatow Just because you want it doesn't mean it can happen.

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Tommy Wiseau [Practicing his lines] 'Oh, hi Mark... ' 'Oh, hi Mark... ' 'Oh, hi Mark... '

Tommy Wiseau Oh, hi Greg!

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Greg Sestero Tommy, dude, this really isn't necessary.

Tommy Wiseau No, no! Very necessary. I need to show my ass to sell this picture.

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Sandy Schklair Take 17, Action!

Tommy Wiseau [Wiseau enters the scene] I hit her!

Sandy Schklair No! Do you want to change the line?

Tommy Wiseau Script is script. Script stay same.

Greg Sestero You're doing great, man! We'll get there!

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Philip Hey, Tommy, how old is Denny supposed to be?

Tommy Wiseau He your age. 15-16 years old boy.

Philip Uh... I'm 26

Tommy Wiseau [pauses] Same thing.

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[from trailer]

Sandy Schklair Why is he having sex with her bellybutton? He knows where her vagina is, right?

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[from trailer]

Greg Sestero Greg Sestero, Sandy Schklair: I did not hit her. It's not true. It's bullshit. I did not hit her. I did not. Oh, hi Mark.

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[as Johnny kills himself in "The Room"]

Dan Janjigian Do it!

Juliette Juliette, Robyn Paris: Do it! Do it!

The Whole Audience Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

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[from trailer]

Sandy Schklair Action!

[Wiseau enters the scene. He pauses, forgetting his lines again]

Tommy Wiseau What is line?

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Greg Sestero You are a fucking villain, you fucking Frankenstein-looking motherfucker!

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Tommy Wiseau Los Angeles, everybody want to be star. All the pretty boys. They're lining up for the big shot.

Greg Sestero Just uh, just have to get lucky, I guess.

Tommy Wiseau No. No. It's not luck, Greg. Greg, you have to be the best. You have to be the best you can be. And never give up.

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Greg Sestero [to Carolyn, after she fainted on the set] Can I ask you something?Why do you do it? You've got a husband, grand-kids. You live fifty miles out of town. And you're waking up at 5, driving all this way, for what?

Carolyn Minnott We're actors, Greg. For you, me, people like us, even the worst day on a movie set is better than the best day doing anything else.

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[from trailer]

Sandy Schklair Ready, and, Action!

[Wiseau opens the rooftop door and steps into the scene. He pauses for several seconds]

Tommy Wiseau What line? What is the line?

Sandy Schklair I did not hit her. It's not true. It's bullshit. I did not hit her. I did not. Oh, hi Mark.

Tommy Wiseau Okay.

[Wiseau returns to the rooftop exit]

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Justin Hammer Come here, Tommy. Just because you want it doesn't mean it can happen. Okay? It's one in a million, even if you have Brando's talent. It's not going to happen for you, okay? But now you have to go.

Tommy Wiseau [upset] But, maybe I... maybe.

Justin Hammer I'm not saying "maybe", I'm saying "not in a million years"!

Tommy Wiseau But after that?

Justin Hammer And *not* after!

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[as Claudette in "The Room"]

Carolyn Minnott I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer.

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Greg Sestero I wish we could just make our own movie.

Tommy Wiseau That great idea.

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[Tommy orders Juliette off the set for make-up after seeing a pimple on her shoulder]

Greg Sestero W-what are you doing? Why are you acting like this?

Tommy Wiseau I make American movie. She needs to look sexy. Beautiful!

[Greg grabs Tommy off the set]

Greg Sestero Come here. Fuck, man.

Tommy Wiseau I know I'm hard on her.

Greg Sestero Yeah, you're hard, but it's not just that. What's going on with you?

Tommy Wiseau Stanley Kubrick, he nice to actors? Alfred Hitchcock? Let me tell you something, Greg. He do this movie, Birds.

Greg Sestero Yeah, I'm aware of The Birds.

Tommy Wiseau On this movie, he terrify actors. He locked them in room, he throw, he throw birds at them. Real birds! Nasty stuff. The actors, they crack every day. But this movie win every award. Is Mr. Hitchcock bad man? No. He great director!

Greg Sestero Yeah, but he was an asshole, and I bet he didn't direct with his fucking dick out.

Tommy Wiseau Oh, really? Well, maybe we check the record, okay? And you know, for your information, where director come from, dictator. Rest my case.

Greg Sestero You can't treat them like this! it's not right!

Tommy Wiseau I treat them how I treat them! If anyone needs to be upset here, it's me, quite frankly.

Greg Sestero Wait - why?

Tommy Wiseau I give them job, I give them salary. I already spent five million dollars on this movie, Greg.

Greg Sestero My God, are you kidding me? Five million dollars...?

Tommy Wiseau And they are not grateful! Nobody respect my vision! I know what they say, Greg. I hear them. Nobody trust me. Not even you, Greg!

Greg Sestero That's... what are you...

Tommy Wiseau Oh, see? You don't even trust me!

[Tommy proceeds to walk back into the set]

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[Tommy walks out of the screening of The Room, disappointed that people are laughing at his movie. Greg follows him]

Greg Sestero Hey, Tommy.

Tommy Wiseau They hate it.

Greg Sestero No, no, they're, they're just laughing.

Tommy Wiseau They're laughing. Laughing at me. Maybe it's true, you know. Maybe everybody right. Maybe, maybe I just big joke, ha, ha.

Greg Sestero No, Tommy...

Tommy Wiseau I try to open my heart, show them my soul, and they just hate me. Even you hate me, Greg.

Greg Sestero Hey, hey, hey. Listen to me, all right? All right, that thing out there, that's your movie. You made that. All right, like you said, you did that all by yourself. You know how special that is?

[Tommy groans]

Greg Sestero Hey, it's fucking incredible. How many people can say they have done something like that?

Tommy Wiseau I don't know, one thousand?

Greg Sestero All right, and yeah. Maybe it didn't turn out exactly as you hoped, but just listen for a second.

Tommy Wiseau Sound like they're laughing.

Greg Sestero All right, come here.

[Tommy and Greg return to the theatre, to see the audience still laughing. We see the scene where Johnny kills himself on screen]

Greg Sestero Look how much fun they're having. They fucking love it, man! How often do you think Hitchcock got a response like this?

Tommy Wiseau Never.

Tommy Wiseau [after Johnny throws the television on screen] Greg, why you help me?

Greg Sestero 'Cause we're friends.

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Henry [Post-Credits scene] Hey, how are you doing?

Tommy Wiseau Fine. Yeah, I'm fine. Why you ask?

Henry Why are you standing against a wall?

Tommy Wiseau Look, I just a guy leaning on a wall! No big deal!

Henry Why you so lonely? Tell me.

Tommy Wiseau What? I'm just standing here alone. Don't mean I'm lonely.

Henry You need help, I see it.

Tommy Wiseau It's not pity party, it's just party.

Henry You go with me?

Tommy Wiseau Go where?

Henry To my house.

Tommy Wiseau [pause] I'm not going anywhere with you.

Henry You think you have long hair, you own the world? Is that the idea, huh?

Tommy Wiseau I stop you. I stop you right there. What is this accent? It sound familiar. You from New Orleans?

Henry Yeah, so what?

Tommy Wiseau What part?

Henry Chalmette.

Tommy Wiseau I love New Orleans.

Henry You know where Chalmette?

Tommy Wiseau Yeah.

Henry Okay, cool. You want a drink or something?

Tommy Wiseau No. I'm not thirsty either. I just want to stand here.

Henry What's your name? Tommy, right?

Tommy Wiseau Yeah. My name's Tommy, with a capital 'Go away'.

Henry It's okay! Have a nice one. Okay?

Tommy Wiseau Okay.

Henry Okay, bye.

[leaves]

Tommy Wiseau [confused] 'Kay...

Henry [sighs] People are very strange these days! Oh, hi Betty.

Tommy Wiseau My god... Who are these friends Greg has?

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Juliette It's still going?

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Sandy Schklair [Watching the flower shop scene] Who doesn't recognize that guy?

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[first lines]

Kristen Bell If you were to ask the five best filmmakers in the world right now to make a movie like this... it... it wouldn't even be in the same universe.

Ike Barinholtz I was blown away. Like, like three minutes in, I turn to my friend, "This is the fucking greatest movie I've ever seen in my life."

[chuckles]

Adam Scott It has withstood, like, ten years? And people are still watching a movie and talking about a movie. People aren't doing that about whatever won the Oscar for Best Picture ten years ago.

Kevin Smith What genius is behind this?

Keegan Michael Key Tommy wanted to break... Tommy wanted to break barriers in filmmaking.

Lizzy Caplan I think that he had a very clear vision.

Kevin Smith He is a figure of mystery where, you know, you do wanna learn more about him.

Danny McBride Who is this man? Who is this auteur?

Adam Scott The kind of sheer ambition of it... is... is in-incredible.

J.J. Abrams The numbers probably prove how unlikely it is that you'll make it.

Adam Scott If I had a time machine, I wouldn't go do a bunch of stu... uh, stuff you... I would go back and try and get on that set just to watch and feel what it was like 'cause it has to be... unbelievable.

[title is shown]

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Henry People are very strange these days! Oh, hi Betty.

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Greg Sestero You're really gonna make this thing?

Tommy Wiseau No, Greg. We are going to do it. Together.

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Amber What do you do if it turns out really bad? Like... Like, if it turns out terrible. Would you, can you... take it off your IMDb?

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Juliette [as Tommy is dry-humping her navel while filming the sex scene] I think you're aiming a little bit high.

Tommy Wiseau I aim where I aim, just do the scene.

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Juliette [horrified; as Tommy is dry-humping the red dress] I wanted to keep that dress.

Safoya You can never wear that dress again.

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Greg Sestero We are doing this.

Tommy Wiseau Tomorrow, this will all be yours, Greg.

Greg Sestero Ah! We will own you, L.A.!

Tommy Wiseau Watch out, here we come!

Greg Sestero You will know our names!

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Philip [to Greg] Can we ask you something? What's this movie about?

Robyn Paris I have a theory - it's autobiographical. Someone in his life was a Denny, a kid brother, someone he looked out for. Someone else was a Mark, the better-looking friend he was always jealous of. I'm sure there was a Michelle somewhere, and a Mike.

Juliette So who was Lisa? Someone who broke his heart, stabbed him the back and ruined his life?

Robyn Paris Pretty obvious to me - that's the universe.

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Tommy Wiseau [Throwing newspapers and a trash can in a fit of rage] Everybody betray me!

[Kicks the newspaper stand]

Tommy Wiseau Ow, my foot.

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Restaurant Manager [after Tommy is escorted out of the restaurant] I'm sorry, sir. Is everything okay, now?

Justin Hammer [sarcastic] Yeah, thanks for rushin' over - he made it through two fuckin' acts of Shakespeare!

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Tommy Wiseau [after driving around aimlessly] Sorry I'm late, traffic was crazy!

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Greg Sestero Tommy, that felt fucking amazing, man!

Tommy Wiseau There you go, now you're acting, Greg.

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Tommy Wiseau Don't talk to robo-crab, he's shy.

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Tommy Wiseau What is this? This makeup. You look like you're swimming in lake.

Carolyn Minnott It's a hundred degrees in here.

Tommy Wiseau Makeup!

Greg Sestero Tommy, if you're not gonna pay for air conditioning, you at least have to pay for water.

Juliette Could we maybe just have a little bit of water before the scene? I...

Tommy Wiseau Okay, I stop you. I stop everybody right there, okay? Nobody in Hollywood will give you water either, okay?

Greg Sestero That's not true. Dude, we can't work like this!

Tommy Wiseau Well, I'm not Santa Claus, all right? Maybe you go buy water for everybody, *Greg,* okay? Maybe girlfriend bring you some water or something.

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Greg Sestero It's Bryan fucking Cranston!

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Tommy Wiseau [while auditioning] The rules to the class are simple.

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Raphael We gotta get going, okay - we're already four hours behind.

Tommy Wiseau Okay, well, whose fault that?

Raphael [pauses, flabbergasted] *Yours.*

Tommy Wiseau Uh, my fault?

Raphael You're late *every* goddamn day.

Tommy Wiseau Alright, that your five cents. I'm fucking director!

Raphael Exactly!

Tommy Wiseau Exactly!

Raphael Exactly!

Tommy Wiseau Exactly - turn these lights on, right now!

Raphael If I turn on the lights, it's getting hotter.

Tommy Wiseau Be professional! Do your job!

Raphael You do *your* job!

Greg Sestero Tommy, it's hot enough as is!

Tommy Wiseau Greg, so you know about light too, huh? You know everything - you know water, light, girlfriend.

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[Tommy prepares to film his sex scene, and he is walking in the set completely naked]

Tommy Wiseau Okay, okay, we go.

Greg Sestero Tommy, Tommy, this is not necessary.

Tommy Wiseau No. It very necessary. I need to show my ass to sell this movie, okay?

Greg Sestero That's not true.

Sandy Schklair At least we have a closed set.

Tommy Wiseau Not closed set. Open set. Life is not closed set! I want everyone to see!

[points at Greg]

Tommy Wiseau You, especially.

Greg Sestero W-what? Why? What?

Tommy Wiseau Brad Pitt do this in the Legend of the Fall.

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Tommy Wiseau [Re-enacting the 'You're tearing me apart' scene from Rebel Without a Cause] You're taking me apart!

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Tommy Wiseau [about to film the love scene] We go, okay? Rolling?

[Stops and notices a pimple on Juliette]

Tommy Wiseau Wait wait wait! Cut cut! What is this? What is this, this disgusting...

Juliette [offended] It's my body!

Tommy Wiseau No, this, pimples on the... Makeup! Makeup, come fix this disgusting body!

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Sandy Schklair [Wiseau is sitting back up after acting the suicide moment]

[Whispering]

Sandy Schklair Why is he getting back up?

[Wiseau picks up the red dres]

Sandy Schklair Cut!

Tommy Wiseau No, don't cut! Don't cut! Why you cut, Sandy? This is great! This real acting!

Sandy Schklair If you're gonna writhe around with the dress, maybe do it before you shoot yourself in the head and blow your brains out.

Tommy Wiseau I disagree!

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Sandy Schklair Take 67, Action!

Tommy Wiseau [Wiseau enters the scene while looking directly into the camera] I did not hit her. It's not true. It's bullshit. I did not hit her. I did not. Oh, hi Mark.

Sandy Schklair [Frustrated] What the f- where are you looking? It doesn't work when you're looking into the camera!

Tommy Wiseau What?

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Tommy Wiseau And then, this guy Johnny, he go crazy. He decide to kill himself in front of the world. And then, he show them all. And also, maybe Johnny is vampire, we'll see.

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Amber I'm pretty sure Stanislavski's dead?

Tommy Wiseau He not dead I just speak to him. What do you think I speak to ghost?

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Tommy Wiseau [after the end of the movie with a standing ovation] Okay! Wow! I'm glad you liked my comedic movie! Exactly how I intend it! You know, I have vision for this movie. But I never make this movie...

[points at Greg]

Tommy Wiseau ... without my friend. We followed our dream.

[motions for Greg to come join him on stage]

Tommy Wiseau Come down here, Baby Face!

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Sandy Schklair Action!

[Wiseau doesn't walk into the scene]

Sandy Schklair Action!