Muppets Most Wanted Movie Quotes
Constantine
My name will go down as the greatest thief of all time!
Dominic Badguy
You mean our names, right?
Constantine
Of course. My name first, then spacebar, spacebar, spacebar... your name.
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Walter
Do you guys think that Kermit's been acting a little weird lately?
Miss Piggy
That's ridiculous! He's never been so caring and devoted to me!
Rizzo
Yeah, that's what we are saying!
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Dominic Badguy
Dominic: International Tour Manager.
[presents his business card]
Fozzie Bear
"Dominic Bad Guy"?
Dominic Badguy
"Bad-gee". It's French.
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Kermit
You mean all this time I've been trapped in a Russian Gulag, no one, not one single person from the Muppets, except Animal, noticed I'd been replaced by an evil criminal mastermind?
Fozzie Bear
It sounds worse than it was...
Walter
No, it's as bad as it sounds.
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Waldorf
It looks like the reviews are out early.
Statler
Or maybe that's the suggestion box.
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[last lines]
Fozzie Bear
[after the closing credits]
The movie's over, Ma. You can go home now.
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Fozzie Bear
[holds up a photo of Constantine]
Check this out!
[covers the mole]
Walter
Oh, look, it's Kermit!
[Fozzie uncovers the mole]
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[Constantine is watching tapes of Kermit to study him]
Jim Henson as Kermit
[from The Muppet Show] It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest, Lynn Redgrave! Yea-a-a-a-a-a-a-y!
[pauses the tape]
Constantine
Yea-a-a-a-a-a-a-esss!
Jim Henson as Kermit
[from Sesame Street] Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here...
[pauses]
Constantine
Hi-lo, Kyer-mit thee Frog heere.
Jim Henson as Kermit
[from The Muppet Movie] The lovers, the dreamers and me-e-e-e!
[pauses]
Constantine
Thee louvers, thee dreemers and chee-e-e-e-e-se!
[smirks]
Constantine
Nailed it.
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Walter
There's only one guy in this world who can save us! There's only one frog who can restore order, bring justice, and set things right!
Fozzie Bear
You are talking about Kermit, right?
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Dominic Badguy
[Walter is skeptical of the Madrid show's success]
I'm glad to say the Spanish reviewers disagree with you as well, Walter. They loved us. Five out of five jamon serranos.
Walter
Whoa. Those reviews really came out fast.
Pepe the King Prawn
And "Citizen Kane" only got four jamon serranos.
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Nadya
Good night, Danny Trejo.
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Jean Pierre Napoleon
[about to interrogate Miss Piggy]
Alors, I think it's time for good cop, romantic cop!
[flips table to reveal a candlelit dinner]
Jean Pierre Napoleon
Miss Piggy, you could end up locked inside! / Now's your chance to save your hide!
Miss Piggy
Gentlemen, I did not know / it's a crime to steal the show.
Sam Eagle
Tell us how the art was taken!
Jean Pierre Napoleon
If you want to save your bacon!
Miss Piggy
I haven't seen your missing art / All I've stolen is audience's hearts.
Sam Eagle
We can give you a plea deal!
Jean Pierre Napoleon
All you have to do is squeal!
Miss Piggy
I'm not a thief, I don't know how / All I've ever taken is a bow!
Jean Pierre Napoleon
We'll catch the swine that did this job!
Miss Piggy
Give up the pig puns, creep! Go jump in a lake, that's my suggestion!
Jean Pierre Napoleon
Jean Pierre Napoleon, Sam Eagle: Thank you, Piggy, no more questions!
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Constantine
It's time to light the lights.
[Detonates explosives]
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Constantine
[Pretending to be Kermit]
A heartwarming lesson about sharing or waiting your turn or the number three.
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Jean Pierre Napoleon
You know, eh, I think they did it.
Sam Eagle
No, they didn't!
Jean Pierre Napoleon
Yes, they did, and we can pin it.
Sam Eagle
If they did it, how did they do it?
Jean Pierre Napoleon
If they didn't, how did they didn't?
Sam Eagle
If they didn't, then it's easy, 'cause they simply didn't do it.
Jean Pierre Napoleon
If they didn't, then I knew it! And with nothing I can prove it!... Excuse me.
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Sam Eagle
[holding up a C.I.A. badge]
C.I.A.
Sam Eagle
This is my travel badge.
[holds up a larger C.I.A. badge]
Sam Eagle
Here's my real badge.
Jean Pierre Napoleon
You must have been looking at the wrong badge.
[opens up his coat and his shirt, revealing an enormous Interpol badge underneath; Sam then unwraps a gigantic C.I.A. badge]
Sam Eagle
You were saying?
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[Salma Hayek and Gonzo are dressed in lurid red costumes for the Indoor Running of the Bulls]
Salma Hayek
Gonzo, I don't want to do this.
Gonzo
What? This is gonna be fantastic!
Salma Hayek
Are you sure?
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Fozzie Bear
[after they discover 'Kermit''s true identity, they scream in horror]
We gotta get outta here!
Walter
Yeah!
[But as they attempt to leave, Constantine is right in front of them]
Constantine
Not so fast...
Walter
Where's Kermit?
Fozzie Bear
Wh-wh-what do you want?
Constantine
You have wocka-ed your last wocka, bear.
[He prepares to attack them karate style. But then Animal attacks Constantine from above]
Animal
Bad frog!
Fozzie Bear
Fozzie Bear, Walter: Animal! Good shot!
Animal
Thank you.
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Miss Piggy
Ich bin ein berliner.
Floyd Pepper
More like "Ein frankfurter".
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Miss Piggy
You may be the world's most dangerous frog, but you're still a FROG!
[beats up Constantine]
Miss Piggy
[in between punches]
NO - ONE - TRICKS - ME - INTO - MARRYING - THEM - AND - THEN - HURTS - MY - KERMIE!
Constantine
[dazed]
What a woman...
Kermit
Yeah, MY woman! And I believe this belongs to you!
[smacks Constantine with his mole]
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[Fozzie discovers that Dominic has been bribing critics to give Muppets good reviews]
Fozzie Bear
Why didn't WE think of that?... I mean, that's terrible!
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[Miss Piggy does the Macarena]
Statler
I don't believe it! They've managed the impossible! What an achievement! Bravo, bravo!
Waldorf
What, you mean you actually like this show now?
Statler
No, they've made the show even worse!
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Kermit
The weakest point in the gulag is over there, by the fourth wall.
[Kermit, Fozzie, Walter, and Animal turn and stare at the camera for several long seconds]
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Scooter
TWO Kermits?... Well, that explains a lot.
Rowlf the Dog
I knew no one could have a cold for that long.
Pepe the King Prawn
Or have that cheesy an accent, okay.
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[Kermit tries to sneak out through a secret tunnel in his cell]
[Kermit disguises himself as a laundry worker]
[Kermit travels through the lavatory sewers]
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[as Jean-Pierre Napoleon bids goodbye, he starts blubbering]
Sam Eagle
Pull yourself together, man! Stop crying! We're only saying our final... farewell.
[tearfully]
Sam Eagle
Goodbye... forever!
[embraces Jean-Pierre]
Sam Eagle
[crying]
I am going to miss you, my French friend!
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[singing, after interrogating the Muppets about the robberies]
Jean Pierre Napoleon
They didn't!
Sam Eagle
No they didn't!
Jean Pierre Napoleon
There's no way they did a crime!
Sam Eagle
They couldn't, they're too stupid!
Jean Pierre Napoleon
They're not criminal masterminds!
Sam Eagle
They may not know who did it, but we know they didn't do it!
Jean Pierre Napoleon
Jean Pierre Napoleon, Sam Eagle: So we know who didn't do it, we know who didn't do it!
Jean Pierre Napoleon
They're incapable of being culpable!
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Swedish Chef
Shern de shern de herf! Sher de chicky en de farney hug!
Jean Pierre Napoleon
To help with our investigation, can you do a full translation?
Translator
What the Chef said to you was "Schnoop do schnnop do schnook". It's not Swedish.
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Sam Eagle
Kermit, let's begin! / Describe the day you played Berlin!
Constantine
We rehearsed and then we walked about / We ate bratwurst and sauerkraut!
Jean Pierre Napoleon
That night at 10:03 / were you inside the portrait gallery?
Constantine
From 10:00 to 10:04 / was when we did the show encore!
Sam Eagle
Hmmm, frog, we've got our doubts / Can you confirm your whereabouts?
Constantine
My alibi is watertight / The audience saw me sing all night.
Jean Pierre Napoleon
Monsieur, we know you did the crime!
Constantine
I was on stage that whole time / Ask who sang "Rainbow Connection"!
Sam Eagle
Sam Eagle, Jean Pierre Napoleon: Thank you, Kermit! No more questions!
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Dominic Badguy
I want every seat in the house filled. Give tickets away if you have to.
Critic
Well, it's the Muppets. It won't be easy.
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Kermit
Bear left!
Fozzie Bear
Right, frog!
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Fozzie Bear
I can do an Elvis impression!
Sam Eagle
Sam Eagle, Jean Pierre Napoleon: ...Thank you, Muppets! No more questions!
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Jean Pierre Napoleon
Bring in the purple guy with the schnozz!
[Gonzo enters to be interrogated]
Sam Eagle
Do you remember what you did / on the night you played Madrid?
Gonzo
I was hit by a raging bull / and rushed off stage to the hospital!
Jean Pierre Napoleon
Gonzo, what do you know / about the sculpture thefts at Madrid's Prado?
Gonzo
I never saw the stolen busts / I spent the night in bed concussed.
Sam Eagle
The truth is, Gonzo, the clock is ticking.
Gonzo
If you don't believe me, ask the chicken! Camilla was there, she'll cooperate!
Jean Pierre Napoleon
Madame, are you willing to corroborate?
Camilla
Bawk bawk begawk, begawk gawk gawk!
Sam Eagle
Will someone get this chicken out of here?
Gonzo
Calm down, Camilla, it's a routine inspection!
Jean Pierre Napoleon
Jean Pierre Napoleon, Sam Eagle: Thank you, Gonzo! No more questions!
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Constantine
It's not easy being mean.
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[first lines]
First AD
And cut!
Walter
Wow, that was so amazing!
Kermit
Walter, you did a wonderful job.
Walter
Thank you, Kermit. Did we get that?
Miss Piggy
We got it.
Kermit
We got it, yup.
Scooter
Okay, nice work, everyone. Make sure to fill out your I-9's, and we'll see you on the next one.
Scooter
[crew leaves the set]
So uh, what do we do now?
Fozzie Bear
Well, we're together again. We got the theater and all our fans are back.
Rowlf the Dog
Actually, those were extras.
Fozzie Bear
I saw a few tapping their toes.
Scooter
Yeah, those were paid dancers.
Fozzie Bear
Oh.
Miss Piggy
Or, maybe since we're all here, now could be the perfect time for you and me to tie the knot, Kermie.
Kermit
[stammering]
Well... I mean, maybe I could-...
Walter
Hey, what's the camera still doing here?
Statler
Oh no, disaster! That can only mean one thing!
Waldorf
Doggone it, you're right.
Statler
Mm-hmm.
Waldorf
It looks like they've ordered a sequel.
Statler
Statler, Waldorf: Doh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
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[Constantine sees Dominic in an animal suit]
Constantine
Number Two, you look ridiculous! Why are you wearing that?
Dominic Badguy
Because I am the Lemur, and the world's new No 1 Criminal! That's right, this is where I double-cross you!
Constantine
First rule of double-cross: you don't announce the double-cross before you double-cross. It's not even a rule, because it's so obvious!
[blows up Dominic]
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Kermit
Piggy, I'm sorry I ruined your wedding...
Miss Piggy
Oh, Kermie... I'm so glad you did.
[they kiss]
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[Fozzie climbs on top of Floyd Pepper]
Floyd Pepper
Hey, watch the hair, bear!
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Kermit
Kermit, Fozzie Bear, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Rowlf the Dog, Scooter: [singing 'We're Doing A Sequel'] We're doing a sequel...
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
I don't mean to be a stickler, But this is the seventh sequel to our original motion picture
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Miss Piggy
Is this a good time to discuss our upcoming European wedding?
Kermit the Frog
No, actually, I'm kind of busy right now.
Miss Piggy
Perfect! I have 23 swatches for the seat covers for the reception, eight font choices for the menu, which, by the way, we are not serving flies.
Kermit the Frog
Piggy, what are you talking about?
Miss Piggy
I'm just trying to involve you in some of the decision-making, dear.
Kermit the Frog
What about being involved in the decision to get married in the first place, huh?
Miss Piggy
Oh, Kermit, you never let me do what I want!
Kermit the Frog
Oh, yeah? Well, what about what I want, huh? What about that? I-I haven't even proposed yet.
Miss Piggy
You can do that on our honeymoon.
Kermit the Frog
What? That-that's insane! Do you hear what you're saying?
Miss Piggy
Insane? How dare you call your fiancee insane?
Kermit the Frog
You are not my fiancee! We are not engaged! A-And as a matter of fact, the way this particular conversation is going right now... well... I'm fine with that!
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Constantine
What did you expect from world's most dangerous frog and number one criminal, Number Two?
Dominic Badguy
Yeah, I know. You're number one, I'm number two. I think you mentioned that before.
Constantine
Now that we control the Muppet tour, Number Two, phase one of our plan is complete. We are now positioned to carry out greatest...
[mumbling]
Constantine
...burgle... blurgh-el... burgle...
Dominic Badguy
Burglary.
Constantine
Yes. Of all time and pin it on those gullible Muppets, who will spend the rest of their miserable lives behind bars.
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Kermit the Frog
Hold on, hold on! There must be some mistake! Don't you know me? I-I'm Kermit the Frog!
German Cop
Silence, Constantine. The game is up.
Kermit the Frog
Who?
[turning and seeing Constantine's wanted poster, he screams]
Kermit the Frog
Oh, no, no! Wait a minute! I'm Kermit the Frog! Guys, this is a mistake, I'm telling you!
[getting thrown into the back of a police van]
Kermit the Frog
Hey, hey! Hello! Somebody! Open up! I'm an Amphibian-American!
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Sam Eagle
I have never been to a more ridiculous crime scene.
Jean Pierre Napoleon
[with a gasp, he finds Fozzie's rubber chicken]
The comedian bear, he was here.
Sam Eagle
[finding the Lemur's coin]
The Lemur. He, too, was here. Could the comedian bear and the Lemur be one and the same?
Jean Pierre Napoleon
The comedian bear is the Lemur. That is brilliant.
Sam Eagle
But why would he steal a bunch of old bones?
Jean Pierre Napoleon
The bones apparently belonged to one Colonel Thomas Blood. He was the only man to ever nearly steal the Crown Jewels of England.
Sam Eagle
Wait! Where did the frog say he was getting married?
Jean Pierre Napoleon
The Tower of London.
Jean Pierre Napoleon
Jean Pierre Napoleon, Sam Eagle: The comedian bear is planning on stealing...
Sam Eagle
...the Crown Jewels!
Jean Pierre Napoleon
...the Tower of London! The Crown Jewels.
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The Great Gonzo
Hey, I have an amazing idea for an act. It's called the indoor running of the bulls.
Kermit the Frog
Gonzo, I've told you, that act is far too dangerous.
The Great Gonzo
Actually, Kermit, I was asking Dominic what he thinks.
Kermit the Frog
Good grief.
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Sam Eagle
What is this? A toy?
Jean Pierre Napoleon
This is my car, Le Maximum. It is illegal now in most of the EU for its massive size.
[getting in, they're uncomfortably crammed together]
Jean Pierre Napoleon
It's so needlessly spacious, I feel guilty.
Sam Eagle
I hate Europe.
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Dominic Badguy
Don't take it personally. They still love you. They just prefer me now.
Kermit the Frog
Uh, thank you, Dominic. That's very comforting.
Dominic Badguy
Do you know what I think helps sometimes in situations like this?
Kermit the Frog
What?
Dominic Badguy
A walk alone in the fog in former East Berlin. Maybe along a deserted canal.
[he shows Kermit a map with a large arrow literally labeled "deserted canal"]
Kermit the Frog
Well, I guess a quiet stroll is not a bad idea. Let the others know I've gone, will you?
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Kermit the Frog
I've booked us into cabaret bars and coffee houses all across the industrial cities of Northern Germany. Dusseldorf, Hamburg, Mudburg, Vomitdorf.
Fozzie Bear
Poopenburgen?
Kermit the Frog
Fozzie, have a solid week booked in Poopenburgen.
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Dominic Badguy
Hi, guys. Look, it's Kermit, just back from his afternoon stroll.
Constantine
Hi-lo! I am Kermit.
Dominic Badguy
He's got a cold. That's why his voice sounds a little bit different at the moment.
[the other Muppets all mutter in agreement, and Constantine fakes a hacking cough]
Dominic Badguy
See? Just calm down. Just relax.
Constantine
You are right. Dominic is terrific!
Dominic Badguy
Aw.
Constantine
From now on, let's do whatever he says. Hmm?
Fozzie Bear
Wow, that walk must have really helped.
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Dominic Badguy
Listen up. You're hot. You're having a moment. But what is inevitable about a moment? It ends.
Fozzie Bear
[clutching Kermit]
I don't want this moment to end!
Dominic Badguy
That's why we got to get out there now and capitalize on this moment with a capital "C", yeah?
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Beauregard
Let's go, guys!
[starting the train in reverse]
Beauregard
Oh! Oh. Well, that must reverse. Um... oh, well. This way looks good, too.
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Kermit the Frog
Since we're playing such a big theater, let's stick with what we know. We'll open with a cabaret number...
The Great Gonzo
Kermit, when do I do the indoor running of the bulls?
[a bull bellows, and the other Muppets jump as its crate rocks]
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Mr. Kermit, sir? I would very much like to demonstrate my magnetic bomb-attractor vest.
Kermit the Frog
[Beaker approaches in said suit]
Bunsen, why would you even invent one of those?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Why did I invent the unexpectedly exploding cupcake?
[inside Beaker's helmet, said cupcake explodes]
The Great Gonzo
Hey, what about Muppet Ladder?
Kermit the Frog
Muppet Ladder? That's never, ever worked, Gonzo. Last time we all tried that was twenty years ago, and you ended up in a cast for six months.
The Great Gonzo
Yeah, good times.
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Kermit the Frog
[Dominic wants to change the venue of their first show]
Guys, I-I'm not sure we can do this, you know?
Dominic Badguy
Okay, let's put this to the vote. All those in favor of believing in ourselves, raise your hands.
Kermit the Frog
[hands are raised]
That's not what I'm saying.
Dominic Badguy
And all those in favor of just giving up.
Kermit the Frog
[with a sigh]
I can't believe I'm voting for giving up.
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Constantine
[singing]
I'm number one/You're number two/We're criminals at large/But I'm at larger than you/I'm number one/You're number two/I believe in equality/As long as you get less than me/I'm one.
Dominic Badguy
You're one.
Constantine
You're number two.
Dominic Badguy
I'm number two.
Constantine
You may think that you're smarter/But I'm smarter than you/I'm number one/You're number two/You're lucky to be number two/Not number three/I can see by the look in your eye/You want to get a bigger piece of the pie/One day, you'll get your chance/But in the meantime, you've got to dance, monkey, dance!
Dominic Badguy
Really? I hate dancing.
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Statler
Third class? How about no class?
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Dominic Badguy
Have you studied your Kermit tapes yet?
Constantine
Of course not. This is child's play for frog of my talent.
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Kermit
Kermit, Gonzo, Fozzie Bear, Miss Piggy, Rowlf the Dog, Scooter: [singing 'We're Doing A Sequel'] We're doing a sequel
Beaker
[Beaker is teleported into a monitor with a test pattern screen, running frantically]
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Kermit
Kermit, Gonzo, Fozzie Bear, Miss Piggy, Rowlf the Dog, Scooter: Let's give it a shot,
Kermit
All we need now is a half-decent plot...
Gonzo
Got it: an epic love story between a very handsome, long-nosed, purple thing and a beautiful chicken.
Camilla
[Camilla clucks]
Kermit
Does anybody have any other ideas?
Fozzie Bear
Oh, oh! It's about getting the Muppets back together again to stop an evil oil baron from demolishing the old studio!
Kermit
Fozzie, did you even watch our last film?
Miss Piggy
It's about a frog who marries a beautiful, perfect pig, and they have to kiss each other a lot!
Kermit
Uh...
Swedish Chef
[subtitled Swedish-sounding gibberish]
How about a film on the existential conundrum of religious faith?
Kermit
I don't think Americans watch subtitled films.
Dominic Badguy
[Ricky Gervais appearing as himself]
Kermit, how about the Muppets go on a world tour?
Kermit
[Kermit gasps in surprise]
That's perfect!
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[Constantine tries to escape in a helicopter]
Constantine
Something's wrong! We're not moving!
[the Muppets have made a ladder out of themselves to stop the copter]
Constantine
You are ruining my getaway!
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The Newsman
Muppet News Flash! Constantine, the world's most dangerous frog, has escaped from a maximum-security Gulag in Siberia, Russia. This move has leapfrogged Constantine to the number-one most wanted criminal in the world, one place ahead of the mysterious Lemur.
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Nadya
[foiling Kermit's escape attempts]
Give up, frog. I have Netflix account with search keywords "prison escape." I have seen every prison movie ever made. Even the ones in space.
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Nadya
We have annual lighthearted Gulag Revue coming up. It is that or they riot. I thought you might help me.
Kermit the Frog
Uh... well, the thing is, Nadya, I'm sort of done doing that, but thanks for the offer.
Nadya
This is not offer. This is prison. You are going to help me. Rehearsals tomorrow, 4:00 a.m. Or I put you on the Wall.
Kermit the Frog
The Wall? W-Why would I be afraid of a wall?
[outside in the snow, she licks his back and throws him onto a wall with other prisoners]
Pops
Just direct the show. You'll never escape.
Kermit the Frog
Uh... what time did you say that rehearsal was?
[she yanks him off]
Kermit the Frog
Ouch!
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Constantine
[after passing out from stage fright]
What is happening? Why am I flying? Whoa.
[the audience gasps as he falls out of his "O" and lands on the stage]
Miss Piggy
What the...?
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Kermit the Frog
Piggy, why do you need so much luggage?
Miss Piggy
For our honeymoon, of course!
Kermit the Frog
For our what?
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Dominic Badguy
I want you to conquer the world. Do an international tour. Show a global audience what you can do.
Kermit the Frog
[over the other Muppets' excited chatter]
Yeah, that sounds great, but I-I'm just not sure... wait, wait a second, guys, listen. I'd love to do that, too. But we've barely gotten back together. We don't want to mess that up.
Dominic Badguy
Okay, I am inundated with offers of management at the moment. One Direction, U2, Cirque du Soleil. Just some of the acts I can list.
Fozzie Bear
[exclaiming in awe]
Wow, that's a good list!
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Walter
[arriving in Germany, a section of the train window falls off]
Uh... was that supposed to happen?
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Kermit the Frog
[seeing the front page of Nadya's newspaper]
Hey, wait a second. That's them! That's my friends! What happened to 'em?
Nadya
"Dominic Badguy. An interview with the brains behind the Muppets' triumphant comeback world tour."
Kermit the Frog
What?
Nadya
It seems your friends do not need you anymore. They have forgotten about you.
Kermit the Frog
Oh, no, no, no. They... they wouldn't. They-they-they couldn't. We're a family.
Nadya
Family? No one believes in family in the gulag, frog. People are only ever out for themselves.
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Sam Eagle
This doesn't make any sense. Why break in, smash some priceless busts, and then not steal anything? There must be something bigger going on. But what?
Jean Pierre Napoleon
I've got it!
[hearing a bell toll, he checks his watch]
Jean Pierre Napoleon
Oh, sorry. 2:00 p.m. My day is over.
Sam Eagle
[spotting the Muppets' promotional poster]
Wait. Those weirdos, the Muppets, were performing next to the crime scene in Berlin. And here they are, performing right next to the crime scene in Madrid! You know what that means.
Jean Pierre Napoleon
Yes, they love museums.
Sam Eagle
No! They're suspects!
Jean Pierre Napoleon
Okay. Overtime. We must find these Muppets before they flee the country. To the train station!
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Jean Pierre Napoleon
What about this comedian bear? He is too stupid to be stupid. He must be some sort of genius.
Sam Eagle
Maybe your Lemur hunch is correct.
Jean Pierre Napoleon
Except for the fact that Les Muppets play tomorrow night at the Dublin Theatre. Which just happens to be next door to the Irish National Bank! Maybe your Muppet hunch is... correct.
Sam Eagle
It's almost as if we're...
Jean Pierre Napoleon
Jean Pierre Napoleon, Sam Eagle: Not so different... after... all.
Jean Pierre Napoleon
Come, come, mon ami! We must follow Les Muppets to Dublin!
Sam Eagle
To Dublin!
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Jean Pierre Napoleon
Are you all Les Muppets?
Fozzie Bear
Wow, those are big badges!
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Nadya
If you are not Constantine, why do you have that mole?
Kermit the Frog
It's not real. Someone glued it to my lip.
Nadya
As far as authorities are concerned, you are Constantine. Glue or no glue. Make yourself comfortable. You're going to be here a while.
Kermit the Frog
I wouldn't be so sure. My friends will come here soon!
Nadya
Now, lights out!
[as the lights go out, a clattering is heard]
Nadya
Turn them back on! I can't see anything.
[the lights come back on]
Nadya
[getting to her feet]
You have to wait until I'm, like, out of the hallway. It's figure of speech.
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Walter
[witnessing Dominic bribing an Irish journalist and the theater manager]
Where does he keep all those suitcases?
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Sam Eagle
What exactly are we doing today?
Jean Pierre Napoleon
[sipping from a tiny espresso cup]
I am doing my job. All we need to do is look at the map with the blinky lights and wait. This is how it is done here in Europe.
Sam Eagle
In America, we use 3-D satellite LED displays. Not cardboard with Christmas lights stuck through it.
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Walter
Fozzie... what if Kermit has been replaced by this Constantine guy?
Fozzie Bear
[by coincidence, a lightbulb in the compartment turns on above his head]
Nah, that's impossible. We'd all notice!
[the bulb goes off]
Fozzie Bear
Wouldn't we?
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Sam Eagle
So, what have we got?
Jean Pierre Napoleon
Two priceless paintings stolen and one average painting of an obscure English colonel.
Sam Eagle
Hmm.
Jean Pierre Napoleon
This has all the markings of the work of the Lemur.
Sam Eagle
What's a lemur?
Jean Pierre Napoleon
Only the second most wanted criminal in the world. And my personal nemesis. Unfortunately for me, his identity is a mystery.
Sam Eagle
No, literally, what is a lemur?
Jean Pierre Napoleon
Oh. It is also a rat-monkey from Madagascar.
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Sam Eagle
[trying to one-up each other's badge sizes]
You've won this round, Pierre.
Jean Pierre Napoleon
My name is Jean.
Sam Eagle
Okay, Shawn. Looks like we're going to be working together. But that doesn't mean I have to like you.
Jean Pierre Napoleon
I didn't like you first.
Sam Eagle
I didn't like you before I met you.
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Scooter
We were all wondering, what's the set list for tomorrow, chief?
Constantine
Mm, I don't care. Do whatever you want.
Miss Piggy
What?
Floyd Pepper
Is he serious?
The Great Gonzo
Um, uh, Kermit, could I do indoor running of the bulls?
Constantine
Sure, Zongo. Who cares?
The Great Gonzo
Wow! Thank you, Kermit!
Miss Piggy
Kermie, if he can do his thing, why can't I sing my five songs?
Constantine
Well... you can. Who cares?
Scooter
We don't have time for all this stuff. We're up to, like, a three-hour show, Kermit.
Constantine
You are forgetting one thing, small man with glasses. I can give you what you want.
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The Newsman
Here's a Muppet newsflash. The years of waiting are over. The biggest "will they, won't they?" of all times has been answered with a firm "They will." Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy are to be married! That's right, folks. They're finally tying the knot.
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Dominic Badguy
What's wrong? You only ever knit when you're stressed.
Constantine
The bear, the little guy, and their dog, they are onto us. They got away.
Dominic Badguy
How are we gonna spin this?
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Scooter
We've all been thinking, and, uh... well, after you and Miss Piggy get married, what's gonna happen to the tour?
The Great Gonzo
And to us?
Constantine
Well, now you guys have all the freedom you want. You don't need me. I'm done with Muppets.
[they all react in surprise]
Constantine
But, hey, it's been a good run, right? Hmm? Good luck.
Floyd Pepper
[watching him leave]
Kermit!
Rowlf the Dog
Did, uh... did he just say what I thought he said?
Scooter
What are we gonna do without Kermit?
Floyd Pepper
The only thing we can do. Pack up, go to the wedding, and head back home.
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Sam Eagle
[nearly catching Constantine and Domininc]
Did you see anything?
Jean Pierre Napoleon
Not a thing. It is my lunch hour. It lasts six hours.
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Link Hogthrob
Hmm, let's see. Where am I seated? I'll need an usher. Usher? Is there an usher?
The Usher
Yes. I'm the Usher. Pig or frog?
Link Hogthrob
What do you think?
The Usher
I don't know, man. Pig?
Link Hogthrob
No. Frog. I'm related through marriage. What kind of an usher are you?
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[Gonzo's Running With the Bulls stunt is a disaster]
Gonzo
Who could have thought that this would go wrong?
Salma Hayek
I did.
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Kermit the Frog
The wedding, i-it's starting.
[seeing Piggy in her wedding dress]
Kermit the Frog
She looks beautiful. Fozzie, we got to do something.
Fozzie Bear
Oh, this is so frustrating!
[stomping his foot, it goes through the car's floor]
Fozzie Bear
Wow, would you look at that? Now that's a poorly-made car.
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Jean Pierre Napoleon
The Lemur! I have you finally!
Sam Eagle
And Constantine, the world's most dangerous frog!
Kermit the Frog
No, no, no.
Sam Eagle
As you might say, case sol-ved.
Jean Pierre Napoleon
[inexplicably, he's changed his clothes and his family has appeared]
Perfect! Time for my annual eight-week paid vacation. Au revoir.
Sam Eagle
No, wait! What am I supposed to do with them until the mobile holding unit arrives?
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Kermit the Frog
I thought you guys had forgotten about me. That... that you didn't need me anymore.
Fozzie Bear
We'd never forget about you.
Walter
We need you more than ever, Kermit.
Animal
Good frog.
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Beefeater Vicar
Do you, Kermit the Frog, take Miss Piggy to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, so help you God?
Constantine
Yes. Yes, I do.
Beefeater Vicar
And do you, Miss Piggy...
Miss Piggy
Hmm?
Beefeater Vicar
...take Kermit the Frog to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, so help you God?
Miss Piggy
I...
[one group of attendees gasp and lean forward]
Miss Piggy
I...
[the other group of attendees do the same]
Constantine
Just say "I do." This is what you've always wanted, right?
Miss Piggy
I do?
Beefeater Vicar
I'm sorry, is that a question?
Constantine
No, it was not a question.
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Miss Piggy
Well, there's only one true way to settle this. First Kermit. Will you marry me?
Constantine
Yes, of course, let's go! The helicopter is waiting, my love!
Miss Piggy
And you, the other Kermit... will you marry me?
Kermit the Frog
[stammering]
Well, I mean, I... I would. I mean, I could. It's...
Miss Piggy
That's my Kermit!
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Kermit the Frog
Piggy's gonna marry the world's most dangerous frog tomorrow? Piggy and the gang are in danger! To London!
Walter
Walter, Fozzie Bear: No. Kermit!
Kermit the Frog
[as he hurries to the exit, gunshots keep him at bay]
Oh, yeah. I forgot. I'm in a gulag. Sorry about that, Ivan!
Ivan the Guard
It's okay! No problem, Kermit. It's easy mistake.
Kermit the Frog
Right. Thanks for not shooting me!
Ivan the Guard
Sure. No prob... hey, nothing personal.
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Constantine
[breaking into the Irish National Bank]
Do you have evidence to frame the bear?
[Dominic holds up Fozzie's rubber chicken]
Constantine
Excellent.
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Nadya
Arrest him! Arrest that frog!
Kermit the Frog
Nadya? Wait. For what?
Nadya
For leading the largest mass break-out in Gulag history. You will get 30 years. Maybe 50.
Kermit the Frog
But...
Nadya
No "buts", Kermit. You didn't finish Gulag Annual Revue, and you didn't even say goodbye.
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Kermit the Frog
We still have to finish our world tour. And I know where we need to play next. For one night only... Siberia, Russia!
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Walter
We're sorry, Kermit. We're sorry that we didn't notice you were missing. We're sorry we didn't tell you often enough how much you mean to all of us. We're sorry we ever took you for granted. But that's never going to happen again. Because if Kermit has to go back to the Gulag...
[holding out his wrists]
Walter
...you'll have to take me, too.
Fozzie Bear
You're my best friend, Kermit. Wherever you go, I go. You'll have to take me, too.
The Great Gonzo
And me. Kermit, we convinced ourselves that evil frog was you because he gave us what we thought we wanted.
Rowlf the Dog
When what we really wanted...
Scooter
What we really needed...
Miss Piggy
Was you, Kermit. The actual, real you.
Nadya
It would appear you were right, Kermit. I guess this is your family. And families belong together. You are free to go. Forever.
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Sam Eagle
Congratulations, weirdos, you've saved the Crown Jewels!
Jean Pierre Napoleon
And you've caught my nemesis, the Lemur. Look at his little costume. That's adorable!
Dominic Badguy
I'm not adorable.
Sam Eagle
He *is* adorable.
Constantine
You're adorable! Did you make that kitty-cat outfit?
Rowlf the Dog
The bad guy is Dominic Badguy!
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Constantine
It's got to be here somewhere. Keep smashing, Number Two.
Dominic Badguy
What do you think I'm doing? I'm smashing.
Constantine
Where is that key?
Constantine
He looks a little bit like you, Number Two.
Constantine
Hmm. Nice of him to label it.
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Kermit the Frog
It's always good to start with an up-tempo song and dance and then go into a comedy routine.
Big Papa
But we like Boyz II Men!
Prison King
It is Big Papa's favorite song. Lot of emotions in that song for him.
Danny Trejo
I'm not learning no other song. I'm a triple threat! A singer, a dancer, and a murderer!
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Fozzie Bear
Huh. Kermit's got a big bomb collection.
[seeing the blueprints to the Irish National Bank]
Fozzie Bear
Looks like he's planning some sort of comedy heist bit.
Walter
I hope not. Those never work.
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Rowlf the Dog
Yeah. Humble and honest.
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Kermit the Frog
Kermit the Frog, Gonzo, Fozzie Bear, Miss Piggy, Rowlf the Dog, Scooter: We're doing a sequel.
Kermit the Frog
Let's give it a go.
Tony Bennett
With Hollywood stars.
Lady Gaga
And more one-liner cameos.
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Beefeater Vicar
[a stained-glass window in the church is accidentally broken]
That's only 800 years old.
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Constantine
I'm number one.
Dominic Badguy
He's number one.
Constantine
You're number two.
Dominic Badguy
I'm number two.
Constantine
Now, that's it, kid/There you go/Now step aside/This ain't your show/I'm one.
Constantine
I'm number one.
Dominic Badguy
Yes, we know.
Constantine
I'm...
Dominic Badguy
He's...
Dominic Badguy
Dominic Badguy, Constantine: Number one!
Constantine
[tap-dancing on Dominic's head]
That's how it's done.
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Dominic Badguy
I'm number two/He's number one/I can't believe I'm working for an amphibian/I'm number two/He's number one.
Constantine
I'm number one!
Dominic Badguy
You know life's gone to the dogs/When your boss is a frog/I can see it's just a matter of time/Before he's gone and I'm at the front of the line/It won't be long 'til I get my chance/But in the meantime, I've got to dance, monkey, dance.
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Fozzie Bear
[escaping from Constantine]
We gotta go back! Warn the others!
Walter
I tried. They didn't believe me. It's our word against his and, well, he's fooled them all.
Fozzie Bear
Should we go to the police?
Walter
We don't have any evidence!
[sighing]
Walter
I feel terrible. I'm the one who talked Kermit into doing this tour in the first place.
Fozzie Bear
Oh, I wish Kermit was here. He'd know what to do.
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Miss Piggy
How can there be two Kermits? Of all the ways to ruin a wedding, this has got to be the most creative.
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Miss Piggy
Kermit... I'm in the middle of a song here!
Constantine
Miss Piggy. I have very important question for you.
Miss Piggy
Yeah?
[he get down on one knee]
Miss Piggy
What are you doing?
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Constantine
Comrades, I'm afraid I have bad news. Walter and Fonzie have quit the Muppets.
Lew Zealand
[the group gasps]
Wait. You can quit the Muppets?
Rowlf the Dog
Wait a second. Walter quit the Muppets? We just did a whole movie where he joined the Muppets.
Floyd Pepper
Yeah, we sure spent a lot of time on it.
Rizzo the Rat
Ha! I'll say. Maybe even at the expense of other long-standing, beloved Muppets. Come on, Robin.
Robin
[following him out]
Coming.
Constantine
Well, as the old saying goes... the show must continue, in a timely fashion.
The Great Gonzo
Wait. Fozzie and Walter are part of our family. We can't let them go without a fight.
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Constantine
Once you have stolen the Crown Jewels and framed the Muppets, ring the tower bell five times and we will rendezvous on the roof.
Dominic Badguy
But what will you do when you're married? Because the pig'll know everything.
Constantine
Once she's served her purpose, kaboom. It will be bacon for breakfast.
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[Deleted scene; Kermit sneaks into the Tower of London, carrying a large bouquet. Dominic sees him going past]
Dominic Badguy
[thinking Kermit is Constantine]
What are you doing here? You're supposed to get ready, Number One.
[He points to the mole planted on Kermit's face]
Dominic Badguy
And also, your thing is showing.
Kermit
Uh, yes. Uh...
[He clears his throat and puts on his best Constantine voice]
Kermit
Yes, of course. I know that you, you, you complete idiot. Why do you think I am walking around with these flowers to cover my face?
Dominic Badguy
Alright, calm down.
Kermit
[slips into his regular voice]
Thank you.
[He starts to walk away before realizing that Dominic could have found him out]
Kermit
For nothing!
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[deleted scene; the Swedish Chef has testified, but his language comes off as complete gibberish to Agent Napoleon]
Jean Pierre Napoleon
To help with our investigation, can someone provide a full translation?
[Beaker translates the Chef's testimony]
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[deleted scene]
Miss Piggy
This ring, it's so... so black. It's a little ominous, to tell the truth.
Constantine
It's a very rare black diamond. That ring is priceless like you, my dear.
Miss Piggy
Oh, Kermie, you've never said that to me be...
[Something dawns on her]
Miss Piggy
... fore?
[Constantine shoves her to the front of the stage. She eyes him with suspicion]
Miss Piggy
What's gotten into you?
Constantine
Love, my dear. Love.
[Miss Piggy looks at Constantine with alarm before turning to face the press once more]
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