Head Office Movie Quotes
Max Landsberger
[14:14]
Lesson No.1: beware of the furniture movers. When the axe falls, they're usually the first to know. People see them coming and they shit.
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Max Landsberger
Lesson No.4: the secret to survival here is never make a decision.
Jack Issel
Never?
Max Landsberger
Never. The minute you do, you're screwed.
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Don King
Mr. Chairman, we are a company on the move. I have two mega stocks and a super promotional idea that can bring INC from $500 million, to $1 billion in gross revenue. That is not about white power, nor is it about black power. It's about green power! Money! M-O-N-E-Y! We're talking about geometric progression. One... four... eight... 16... the numbers boggle the mind! So in conclusion, all we have to do is to get off the dime, and put this show on the road. Thank you very much.
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Pete Helmes
[pointing out landmarks from the helicopter]
Colonel, that construction, that's us. That, that, I own all that. There, those two towers there. This one, over here, this one. Twenty years ago I came to this town, I had less then forty-three million dollars in my pocket. Now... I own all this. That's America, Colonel.
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[Sal's car is destroyed]
Sal
My tape! My Julio Iglesias tape!
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Bob Nixon
Well, you are just screwing your way to the top, aren't you?
Jane Caldwell
I wouldn't be much of an executive if I screwed my way to the bottom. Would I?
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[Jack was to start with Stedman, but Stedman just been fired for insider trading]
Max Landsberger
Listen, I got you set up in PR with Howard Gross. Gross is the kind of guy who really knows how to handle the pressure.
Howard Gross
[rapidly into a phone]
This is Howard Gross, talking! I'm 35 years old! I'm the head of this division! I'm not the head of this division because I'm a moron! I got the head of this division because IIII-IIIII'm *not* a moron! Listen, my neck is on the line here you guys! I'm the one who's gonna have to determine if this is brilliant or not brilliant and I'm telling you it's crap! Look, I'm not- Listen to me for a second! I'm not trying to sell pantyhose! It's on my head! I've gotta convince them that killing 100,000 jobs, and closing down a plant, and moving it into Latin America is not unpatriotic! You understand what that means? I've got to sell this being as patriotic as a goddamned apple pie! If anybody up there sees this, I'm gonna die. They're gonna kill me.
[the intercom buzzes]
Howard Gross
I got- I got, ah, I've got, ah, I got, I got- The phone is going here! I gotta hold. I-I gotta put you on hold! I got 35 lines going here! I got- I only have three lines coming in, I have three people working for me. I have 35 lines, I've got 35 people looking at me! Hang on for a second!
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[first lines]
Pete Helmes
Hi. My name is Pete Helmes. 30 years ago, I started a small company called INC Bearing and Tool, and with these balls of steel I built INC International. Now, we produce over 10,000 products, from a 50-megaton nuclear warhead to a creamer, nuttier peanut butter and a new, quieter, artificial heart. Every day at INC we're developing products that will improve your life, like Permalax, an all-new laxative implant, that relieves irregularity for up to 25 years with a one-step implantation. Uh, I had the, uh, Permalax implant, now I'm regular for life! Ha. But, more important, we care about you, and we care about our employees. INC is the company that cares about *people*.
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Jack Issel
Exactly what is our side of the Allenville story?
Max Landsberger
Were losing money hand over fist.
Jack Issel
That's not true.
Max Landsberger
No, but it's our side of the story. Lesson No.55: there are no truths, only stories.
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Max Landsberger
Lesson No. 2: Never volunteer, never confront, never talk to anyone you can possibly avoid.
Bob Nixon
[suddenly face-to-face]
Hello, Max.
Max Landsberger
Morning, Bob. Lousy thing about Stedman.
Bob Nixon
[chuckles]
We're doing everything in our power to save his neck.
Max Landsberger
[to Jack]
Let me show you where your office is, Jack.
Bob Nixon
[to Bob]
Excuse me.
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Reporter #1
You're related to Senator Issel, is that right? Am I correct?
Jack Issel
Yes, I am.
Sen. Issel
Son of a bitch!
Jack Issel
I'm his son.
Sen. Issel
Lying goddamn bastard!
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Max Landsberger
Since the 1984 oil discovery in New Guinea, we have sold the Bu!kais hill tribesmen 20 of our S-24 fighters. At $21 million per unit, that's $252 million. This has started a local arms race between the Bu!kais, and their local neighbors the Kla!klalas. Now the Kla!klalas also happen to be sitting an a large amount of oil. And now the Kla!klalas want to buy 20 of our new X-24/X-Ray Ultra Pursuit fighters for a total of $480 million.
Pete Helmes
What are the chances of war between them?
Bob Nixon
Very good sir. Our spare parts replacement contracts could be very lucrative.
Pete Helmes
Who trains their flight personnel?
Max Landsberger
Well, as near as we can assess it... well... they don't actually fly the planes. They sort of roll them down hills... crashing them into each other.
Scott Dantley
Personally, I think that it's a shameful waste of incredible kill power.
Pete Helmes
Make the deal.
Bob Nixon
Bob Nixon, Scott Dantley: Absolutely.
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Jack Issel
Don't you think it's strange, Max? They keep promoting me. I don't do anything!
Max Landsberger
Hey, did you know that the Japanese are working on some kind of micro orgasm. Soon, you'll be able to have group sex on a silicon chip no bigger than my fingernail.
Jack Issel
Max! You're not taking me seriously! This place is totally bananas! Any normal person would have quit a long time ago.
Max Landsberger
Relax, what are you worried about? Helmes has his eye on you. You're in line for another big promotion.
Jack Issel
Yeah, as soon as somebody drops dead, or jumps, or maybe I'm supposed to pull the trigger myself. There're really doing it up there, Max. They're rigging things up. For what?
Max Landsberger
For money and power Jack. It's the American way. Lesson No.79: when the tough get going, the weak get screwed.
Jack Issel
I can't play it like that.
Max Landsberger
It's the only way to play it Jack.
Jack Issel
What about you? You're not like the rest of them. How do you survive it?
Max Landsberger
I just go with the flow. I flipped out years ago. I only look sane, but I'm not. The secret is you have to be crazy to maintain your sanity up here. But you're sane, Jack. That's why you're going crazy.
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Pete Helmes
[1:00:41]
In the old days, I'd-a had that son of a bitch in cement and dumped into the river before you can say Henry Ford!
Scott Dantley
Unfortunately, these are the post-Watergate '80s.
Pete Helmes
Well, then shoot him!
Scott Dantley
Not a wise idea, sir.
Pete Helmes
I'm one of the most powerful men in the world, and if I can't have someone shot, then what the hell does it mean to have power anymore!
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Pete Helmes
I'm an optimist, Colonel. I look down there and see if there's anything else for me to buy.
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[at a bar]
Jack Issel
Max, I came as soon as you called. What happened?
Max Landsberger
[refering to Rabinovich]
They fired him this morning.
Mark Rabinovich
[drunk]
I'll kill myself! My whole life, my career, my future was at INC. I know, I'll shoot my brains out. Make it easier. No problem for anybody just... bang!
Max Landsberger
Apparently, a letter with his card enclosed was dropped off yesterday afternoon at the office of a major Saudi oil company that we do a lot of business with. It said that INC wouldn't boycott the Israelis and that the Saudis could go screw themselves.
Jack Issel
What?
Max Landsberger
Well, the shiek freaked out and Dantley had to kiss a whole lot of Saudi ass to cool him off and they insisted that Rabinovich be fired.
Jack Issel
Who the hell would have put Rabinovich's card...
Max Landsberger
That's no longer an issue, Jack. Don't get involved with something that doesn't concern you if you want to survive here at INC.
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Jane Caldwell
Don't fall for it, Jack.
Jack Issel
Fall for what?
Jane Caldwell
For the lie we keep telling ourselves. We do the dirty stuff to get the power. It'll give us all the good things we really want. Then we get the power, we can't even remember what goddamn thing what it was we wanted it for in the first place.
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[watching Helmes helicopter above]
Al Kennedy
There goes Helmes now. I'm fired! I'm gone, I'm finished!
Mike Hoover
Al, you're imagining things.
Al Kennedy
At Friday's meeting with Helmes, he didn't make eye contact with me once. It's a sign, I'm fucking dead in this company!
Mike Hoover
You're crazy!
Al Kennedy
Crazy?
Mike Hoover
No, paranoid!
Al Kennedy
Paranoid? You got your goddamn bag of pecans this week from Helmes, I didn't get any bag of...
Mike Hoover
But what does that have to do with...
Al Kennedy
I'm dead in this company!
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Howard Gross
[on the phone]
Look, what are you people trying to do to me? I have a $75,000 Mercedes Benz in the shop that's leaking more oil than Poland! I've got a dead father-in-law who's pissed off that he can't have a semi-plot to be buried in, and I've got a cat in the hospital at $100 a day - I could put him up at the Hyatt for 75. You guys are killing me up here! I'm dying! I'm dying!
[hangs up the phone as he begins have a major heart attack]
Howard Gross
I love this business!
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Whale protestor
[throws a large piece of meat on Jack's desk]
Do you know what this is, Mr. Issel?
Jack Issel
Is this a trick question?
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Pete Helmes
Okay now, what do you say Jack?
Jack Issel
I say that you two guys, are two of the biggest assholes I've ever met.
Scott Dantley
You're way out of line, Mister Issel!
Pete Helmes
Jack, this is a very complicated foreign policy issue at stake here!
Jack Issel
Don't give me this "foreign policy" stuff. I call it contemptible horse shit... sir! You just want to buy yourselves a country as if it was a stolen TV set. Then you launder hot goods and dirty dealings through something you call "foreign policy." My God. America's a democracy. We're not some international fried chicken chain!
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Bob Nixon
We have a very *nasty* terrorist problem in San Marcos, don't we, Senator?
Sen. Issel
Mm-hmm.
Scott Dantley
If the army had the guns, we just might be able to stop the killing.
Pete Helmes
It's a bitch of a problem, isn't it, Jack?
Jack Issel
Well, actually, I've been reading that it's the *army* that's doing most of the killing.
Bob Nixon
Ha.
Sen. Issel
Jack, the army has been busting its ass to eliminate the murder and the torture and the human rights violations down there.
Scott Dantley
Left-wing terrorists fire-bombed our 26th Mr. Chicken franchise just yesterday.
Pete Helmes
The Marxists are denying the people of Latin America their right to eat Mr. Chicken. And, they're denying Mr. Chicken his human right to franchise and make a profit.
Scott Dantley
Well, I sure as hell don't want some made-in-Moscow Mr. Cabbage Roll shoved down my throat against my will.
Bob Nixon
Absolutely. Those peasants deserve the dignity and human right to eat Mr. Chicken when and where they please.
Pete Helmes
And Jack, when that right is threatened in the Western Hemisphere, it becomes a national security issue for the United States of America. We're talking of the very survival of the entire concept of internationally franchised chicken, Jack! You've got work to do.
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[Jack and Max's limo is surrounded by hundreds of angry protesters]
Max Landsberger
This is death! Let's get the hell out of here.
[Jack opens the limo door and gets out]
Max Landsberger
Jack, what are you doing?
Jack Issel
Max, this is a great opportunity for us! There's TV news cameras out there.
Max Landsberger
Jack, get back in the car. Get back in the car!
[Jack walks off into the crowd]
Max Landsberger
[to Sal]
Sal, I'm going out there. Keep the motor running.
Sal
I'm not going to do that, sir. The motor could heat up or...
Max Landsberger
[interrupting]
Sal, do me a favor.
Sal
What's that, sir?
Max Landsberger
Don't call me "sir". These people are gonna think I'm in charge here. Call me Max.
Sal
Max. Sure, no problem... Max.
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Gross' Secretary
[into the phone as a medic is trying to recessitate the dead Gross]
I'm sorry Mr. Gross isn't available.
Yonge's Secretary
[voice]
Well, where is he?
Gross' Secretary
Well, I wouldn't tell what Mr. Gross is doing right now. He's... being busy.
Medic
[to Gross' Secretary]
He's dead.
Gross' Secretary
[into the phone]
He's dead.
Medic
[exits]
I'll call the coronor.
Yonge's Secretary
[voice]
Well, let's make it after lunch.
Gross' Secretary
After lunch is just as bad. Mr. Gross is dead. He'll still be dead after lunch.
Yonge's Secretary
[voice]
Look, Mr. Yonge is a very busy man. He gets very upset...
Gross' Secretary
Yes, I know Mr. Yonge gets upset when we cancel business meetings, but I regret to inform you that Mr. Gross has passed away.
Yonge's Secretary
[voice]
Passed away? You mean you're not joking? He's really dead?
Gross' Secretary
No longer alive, correct.
Yonge's Secretary
[voice]
Try aspirin or if he's having a heart attack...
Gross' Secretary
The man is dead! He's turning green as we speak. Mr. Gross is not going to make it to lunch and he's not going to make it to the meeting. So if Mr. Yonge wants to see Mr. Gross that badly, I'll ship Mrs. Gross' body down there by internal mail!
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Jack Issel
[after seeing Steadman commit suicide]
Two in one morning.
Max Landsberger
Welcome to the world of big business, Jack.
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Jane Caldwell
Women rise so much in this compay. But I intend on going to the top. As Mr. Gross' replacement as head of public relations, you will work for me now and report all work to me. By the way, I wanted to inform you that you've been promoted to executive vice president of external relations.
Jack Issel
But this is just my first week.
Jane Caldwell
Then you must have good friends upstairs. But don't give your hopes up. It's basically the same job you had in the complaints department but with 10% more salary and 90% more responsibility.
[takes the papers that Jack has]
Jane Caldwell
Is this for me?
Jack Issel
It's just a complaint.
Jack Issel
That's the population of a small town upstate that's fighting to have their textile plant stay open. We're closing the plant at the end of this week and all employees will be layed off.
Jane Caldwell
So?
Jack Issel
So I was thinking if we can find a way to keep the plant open and find some securities for the workers.
Jane Caldwell
Very good. Write up a report.
Jack Issel
Write up a report?
Jane Caldwell
Mr. Dantley appreciates all the necessary information before he makes a major decision. Information is power, Jack.
Jack Issel
I agree. Absolutely.
[Jane walks back to her desk where she sits down and begins applying makeup and stares seductivly at Jack]
Jane Caldwell
Did you want something else?
Jack Issel
Uh... no ma'am!
[Jack exits]
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[Jack and Max enter Gross' office unaware that he is dead]
Max Landsberger
Gross screams a lot. He's a little nuts, but you'll get used to him.
Jack Issel
Right.
Max Landsberger
Don't worry. You can live with him as long as you lift your end of the load.
Jack Issel
Right.
Max Landsberger
[after a pause]
I said lift.
[the image pulls back to show Max and Jack lifting Howard Gross' body off his desk]
Jack Issel
Uh... right.
Max Landsberger
Howard Gross here is one of the best PR men we have in the business. Been doing a hell of a job for us for a lot of years. A real pressure player.
[looks at the dead Gross' face under his jacket]
Max Landsberger
Geez... son-of-a-bitch! He looks pretty bad!
Jack Issel
He's dead, sir!
Max Landsberger
It's all right. You can call me Max.
Jack Issel
He's dead, Max!
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[Steadman arrives, running, at his office to find furniture movers moving out all his furniture]
Frank Stedman
What the hell are you doing?
[Frank leaps up onto the couch carried by two movers]
Frank Stedman
Frank Stedman, Mover: We are not the source...
Frank Stedman
[beating on the couch]
Pit it back! Put it all back! Down! Down, down, down, down, down, down.
Mover
[indicating his clipboard]
All I know is what's on the work order.
Frank Stedman
Why are you doin' this? Who told you to do this to me?
Mover
Someone said the guy who was in here died.
Frank Stedman
Died? *Died*? Do I look dead, huh? What the hell do you mean, "died"?
[Frank grabs Jack standing nearby]
Frank Stedman
Do I?
Jack Issel
Uh... not to me, sir.
Stedman's Secretary
This is Jack Issel, sir.
Max Landsberger
[smiling]
Good morning, Frank.
[Frank shoves Max hard on the shoulder knocking him against the wall as he storms past]
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Jane Caldwell
What do you think, Jack?
Jack Issel
It's perfect.
Jane Caldwell
Perfect. That's perfect... this is perfect.
[She exhales cigarette smoke]
Jane Caldwell
I'm perfect.
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Bob Nixon
You never, *never* hold your glasses together with a piece of tape and a paper clip, Mister Reubenstein!
Mark Rabinovich
It's Rabinovich.
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Yonge's Secretary
We have most INC management women with us, Jane. We certainly hope you're behind us.
Yonge's Secretary
We have to go in united as women!
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Scott Dantley
Jack Issel? Scott Dantley, chief executive officer of INC. Welcome aboard.
Jack Issel
Thank you, sir. It's good to be here.
Bob Nixon
Bob Nixon, chief financial officer. My pleasure.
Scott Dantley
[to Jack]
I know your father. Great senator, great American, outstanding human being.
Jack Issel
Well, he's managed to stay out of jail despite the bribery, corruption, tax evasion, solicitation, and domestic abuse charges that have been brought against him. At least me and my Mom are proud of him for that, sir.
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Max Landsberger
Do you think you have what it takes up here?
Jack Issel
You mean can I play hardball?
Max Landsberger
No, I mean can you kiss ass?
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Scott Dantley
[00:01:36]
Mr. Helmes wants Senator Issel's, um, full cooperation when we make our Latin American move. What did you get on him?
Bob Nixon
[as he hands Dantley papers]
Yes, sir. He's, uh, Washington's strongest supporter of big business: that's his voting record. We've contributed a hundred fifty thousand to his last campaign, and laundered it through our Mexican banks: these are the canceled checks. His wife is a heavy boozer: those are copies of her liquor store bills. He's having an affair with a DC hooker named Kitten Davis: those are the Polaroids. He's been bribed by all the major oil companies: these are telephone transcripts. And of course, the standard men's room shots.
Scott Dantley
Fine.
Bob Nixon
And his son's graduation is this morning.
Scott Dantley
Perfect.
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Rachael Helmes
Anyway, I have over 25,000 signatures on that petition. That's the population of Allenville. If your company closes the Allenville plant, those people will lose their jobs and their homes, all because your company can get a little more profit by moving the plant to some poor country where the labor is 10 cents an hour and you guys own the government.
Jack Issel
Gosh, you're pretty. Would you like to sit down?
Rachael Helmes
No, thank you. If INC pulls out, this town dies Mr. Issel!
Jack Issel
Hey, don't yell at me. I just started working here this morning. Would you like a Diet Coke?
Rachael Helmes
No, thank you. Now if INC would let these workers buy the plant and run it themselves, they could save this town.
Jack Issel
That sounds very sensible. Hey, listen, I got to tell you something.
Rachael Helmes
Yes?
Jack Issel
You are the most intresting and attractive woman that I've ever met on this job so far.
Rachael Helmes
That's typical. They always dump on us some dumb little guy who just wants to make small talk.
Jack Issel
Hey, wait a minute. This little guy is going some place, fella.
Rachael Helmes
And where's that... fella?
Jack Issel
I go to lunch at 12:30. We can talk about this Allenville thing.
Rachael Helmes
No, thank you. This photocopy of your petition is for your boss.
Jack Issel
How about lunch on Thursday? If not, would you like to have dinner with me tonight or tomorrow night?
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Jane Caldwell
When I said "write up a report", I wanted you to go out there in the field and listen to what those Allenville protestors had to say! Not make some lunatic suggestion... using my computer key! That could destroy everything that I've worked for to get ahead in this company and take me right back to the steno pool.
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General Sepulveda
I enjoyed your company's little fashion show, senor. Now, business, huh?
[Sepulveda opens up the briefcase Jack gives him and sees a large amount of cash inside]
General Sepulveda
Very nice, huh? Just like a big drug deal, huh?
[Sepulveda laughs and Jack laughs with him]
General Sepulveda
Drug deal?
[Jack stops laughing]
General Sepulveda
I was joking, senor! It was a joke, huh? I never delt dope in my life! That freighter off Miami, it was in my cousin's name. I knew nothing.
Jack Issel
I didn't say...
General Sepulveda
You Americans think you just buy us like that? Giving me this money so I can overthrow President Sanchez for the top spot in San Marcos, huh? You and your self-righteous democracy. You have democracy, my little friend, because you are rich. You can afford both the Mercedes and the free press. We in San Marcos are poor. We can afford only one of them. The Mercedes!
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Al Kennedy
No one trusts me, Mike.
Mike Hoover
Oh, Al, trust me, they trust ya.
Al Kennedy
I'm too honest for them.
Mike Hoover
You're not that honest.
Al Kennedy
Everyone thinks I'm an asshole!
Mike Hoover
No, not everyone!
Al Kennedy
Name one person who hasn't called me an asshole. Just one.
Mike Hoover
Steadman.
Al Kennedy
Steadman? That asshole? Name someone with clout!
Mike Hoover
Al, pull yourself together!
Al Kennedy
Mike, don't shit me. Don't shit a dead man. You're looking at a insect husk, a whacked up, burned out body shell. A dead person!
Mike Hoover
Al, it's only Monday. You're talkin' like it's already Friday!
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Howard Gross
[on the phone to his wife]
Honey, what do you want me to say? I can't talk to you right now! I got 35 guys on hold! I got too many guys on hold! I can't talk to you! Look... what do you want me to say? Your father is dead! There's no point in him being in semi-private! He could be in Yankee Stadium! He doesn't have to be in semi-private! The man is dead! Of course the company has a burial policy, but that doesn't mean that I get covered for it! I got 35 lines here on hold! Hang up for one second!
[flips a switch on the phone]
Howard Gross
It wasn't my fault! I'll call you back!
[flips another switch]
Howard Gross
It wasn't my fault! I'll call you back!
[as he flips more switches]
Howard Gross
It wasn't my fault! It wasn't my fault! It wasn't my fault! It wasn't my fault...
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Jack Issel
Look at your commitment. I went through college and business school with someone else's notes and a Xerox machine. I xeroxed and cheated my way through life, Rabinovich. "Do the minimum, keep your old man off your back, take the glorious path of least resistance." That's me.
Mark Rabinovich
Sounds all right if you can pull it off.
Jack Issel
It scares the shit out of me to think that I'm going to be an executive here at 50.
Mark Rabinovich
It scares the shit out of me to think I won't be an executive here at 50.
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[an angry Jack, realizing that Hudson had Ravinovich fired by framing him, walks into his office as Hudson is yelling at his secretary]
John Hudson
Where's my coffee? Coffee! Now, now, now! Move your goddamned ass!
Jack Issel
[takes the coffee pitcher away from the secretary]
Allow me.
[Jack walks up and dumps the coffee all over Hudson's desk and his papers]
Jack Issel
Your coffee, sir! Courtesy of Rabinovich. And this is from me!
[Jack overturns Hudson's desk and walks out of the office]
Jack Issel
[to Hudson's secretary]
He'll need some cream and sugar.
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Scott Dantley
God, I love this company. I love the action. I love how it test you ever minute of every day. Let your guard down for one second, and the entire system will run over your like a Mac truck. It's merciless.
[as Dantley is talking we cut to Steadman throwing a chair out of his office window]
Scott Dantley
But when you're up there in that cab, gripping that wheel, pedal to the metal, foot to the floor, flat out screaming down the highway, wind at your heels, the entire power of a multinational corporation pounding on the hood. Ha! Nothing like it. Nothing in the world.
[there is a WHOOSH as a body falls past the window and lands in the plaza fountain far below. Jack, Nixon, and Max run forward and look out the window with Dantley who continues to talk in a casual tone]
Scott Dantley
Uh... Bob? What was Frank Steadman wearing this morning?
Bob Nixon
[also talking casual]
An old blue suit, sir.
Scott Dantley
That's what I thought. Steadman.
[shrugs]
Scott Dantley
Oh, well.
Jack Issel
My God!
Scott Dantley
The exhilaration of power, that what we're all here for, Jack. But you got to have what it takes. Am I right, Nixon?
Bob Nixon
Absolutely, sir. You're always right. Steadman's dead.
Scott Dantley
Looks like it. Anyway, the company is a world onto itself. Company givith, company taketh away. The strong survive, the weak fall. Jack?
Jack Issel
[turns back towards Dantley]
Yes?
Scott Dantley
We won't be easy on you, but I promise you this... be a better man for it.
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Jack Issel
[1:01:17]
I can't believe I said that on national TV.
Sal
[also drunk]
That limo cost seventy-five THOUSAND dollars.
Max Landsberger
Damn it, Jack! We went out there to tell them OUR side of the story. We didn't go out there to tell them the truth!
Sal
And the limo company's gonna have my ass for this.
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Jack Issel
You see... it's just a temporary promotion until I'm fired.
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Bob Nixon
Unemployed, wall unit, push button, black 25 foot flex cord, ten weeks overdue.
Pete Helmes
Not him again!
Bob Nixon
Ten weeks overdue, on a balance of $154.88.
Pete Helmes
Dis-co-nnect !
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Jack Issel
Max, do you ever think there's something profoundly wrong with the world when a company like ours produces hair removal cream and nuclear warheads?
Max Landsberger
No.
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Reporter #1
[59:04]
Is it true that this plant is still a viable operation and INC is moving to central America only because the labor is cheaper there? Isn't it true that INC stands more to gain in tax writeoffs if the plant fails than if it operated at a modest profit?
Jack Issel
I think so!
Reporter #1
Doesn't INC have a moral responsibility to kep the plant and keep these jobs in the US?
Jack Issel
A moral responsibility?
Reporter #1
Now, you haven't answered my question. Does INC have a responsibility to keep this town working?
Jack Issel
In business school we learned that the main goal of corporations is to maximize profits and survive so they act in their own self interests
Reporter #1
Self interests?
Reporter #1
You're related to senator Jack Issel is that correct?
Jack Issel
Yes, I am. I'm his son
Reporter #1
So INC has no responsibility to these people?
Jack Issel
INC operates purely on profit motive
Reporter #1
So INC operated on pure self interest?
Jack Issel
Absolutely!
Reporter #1
Thank you
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Gross' Secretary
[into a phone] Mr. Yonge's on three. He's just seen the campaign. He sounds upset.
Howard Gross
[into the phone] Tell him to hold!
Gross' Secretary
Mr. Raybeck's on four. He's also seen the campaign. He also sounds upset.
Howard Gross
Tell Raybeck to hold!
Gross' Secretary
Your wife's on five from the hospital. Her father just passed away.
Howard Gross
Tell my wife to hold!
Gross' Secretary
Your mechanic's on six. He wants to talk to you abour your Mercedes. That's all.
Howard Gross
[calms down] Put my mechanic on.
[clicks switch and begins talking in a calm and happy tone]
Howard Gross
Hey. How are you doing, Lars?
Mechanic
[voice] Hello, Mr. Gross. How are you? Good talk to you.
Howard Gross
[into the phone] I'm fine. No, I'm great. You guys, you guys are great! You guys are great, are ya kiddin'?
Mechanic
Yeah, well we're having a problem with your car.
Howard Gross
[talking over] Is my car gonna be ready or what?
Mechanic
[voice] It's more then just an oil leak.
Howard Gross
[not registering yet] Yeah.
Mechanic
I'm afraid we'll have to also fix the transmission. Uh, $2500, I'd say.
Howard Gross
What are you talkin' about? No no no no, just oil. I just wanted oil.
Mechanic
[voice] Plus labor, we're talking maybe $4,000 even.
Howard Gross
[suddenly angry again; talking fast] You don't have my money- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! No, I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I- no, what do you mean? You wanna come over and see my driveway? I got no oil on my driveway! What are you talkin'- what are you talkin' about a leak? You guys know what it is? You guys are a bunch of goniffs! You bring in a car, you bring it in, put a leak in it which could cost me if it's under warranty...
Howard Gross
You guys are goniffs! You guys are worse- you-you guys are worse than-than-! You guys think you have a monopoly on the whole thing because you have a goddamn dealership there? You're crazy! I bring in at 15, I bring in at 25, bring it in at 35 for a goddamn oil change! That's under warranty, that transmission! I'm workin' here all day long! I'm 35 years old! I'm the head of this division! I'm gonna have a goddamn heart attack trying to pay for this car!
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Max Landsberger
[on Jack Issel's answering machine] Jack, hi, this is Max Landsberger, I'm in charge of new recuits at INC. I'll be showing you around for the first few days. Now, you'll be starting with Frank Stedman on the 41st floor. I'll meet you at his office at nine. Oh, and congratulations, Jack. You really scored getting Stedman. He's goin' right to the top.
Frank Stedman
[into a phone in his car] Sid! It's Frank Steadman! I'm dead!
Sid
[over the phone] Frank...
Frank Stedman
Finished!
Sid
...just relax!
Frank Stedman
Helmes swore he wouldn't announce this move until Christmas! It's the goddamn headline in the Journal!
Sid
Hey, no problem, Frank.
Frank Stedman
The SEC's gonna want to know why...
Sid
Hey, we can take care of everything...
Frank Stedman
...I sold 50,000 Allenville shares...
Sid
...just relax!
Frank Stedman
...the day before we torpeded the plant!
Sid
Frank, Frank, can you hold on just a second there?
Frank Stedman
I could go to jail!
Sid
Can you hold?
Frank Stedman
No, I can't hold! What do you- huh? Sid, Sid! Crap!
[to Sal]
Frank Stedman
Will you get this thing movin'?
Sal
[calmly] We're stuck in a traffic jam, sir; I'm not the great Houdini.
Frank Stedman
Well, blow your horn like everybody else!
Sal
Only a fool blows his horn in a traffic jam, sir.
[Steadman, still holding the phone in his left hand, gets up, comes forward, leans over the front seats, and begins pressing on the steering wheel horn with his right]
Frank Stedman
[seconds later, into phone] Please, please, please, just pick up, please! Come on, come on, God, please, Sid-
[click]
Frank Stedman
Sid!
Sid
Frank?
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[Frank Stedman crawls out the window of his car and runs atop and then between cars to get to INC, passing the car carrying Scott Dantley and Bob Nixon]
Scott Dantley
[on phone] Hi, Sid, Scott Dantley. Sid, the SEC's really got us by the balls in this Stedman stock deal. Mr. Helmes wants him terminated. Uh-huh, wants his, uh, desk out, his- his chair out, carpet out, parking privileges revoked- hold, on Sid.
Scott Dantley
[to Bob Nixon] Turn it up.
Female Financial News Host
[on TV] Can the stockmarket survive a nuclear holocaust? Yes, says our next guest, and he'll tell us what stocks to buy and what to sell in the event of a thermonuclear exchange right after these messages.
Scott Dantley
[into phone] Listen, Sid, Mr. Helmes *is* the company, he doesn't give a flying *shit* about Stedman's loyalty, and, uh, he wants him out by lunch!
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