Dave Lizewski[voiceover]The world I lived in, heroes only existed in comic books, and I guess that would have been okay -- if bad guys were make-believe, too... but they're not.
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Diner Fight Guy 1The fuck is wrong with you, man? You'd rather die for some piece of shit that you don't even fucking know?
Dave LizewskiThan three assholes laying into one guy while everybody else watches? And you wanna know what's wrong with me? Yeah, I'd rather die... so bring it on!
MartyShe looks like she's about eleven years old but...
ToddI can wait! I solemnly vow to save myself for her.
MartyI can see this could be really difficult for you.
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[first lines]
Dave LizewskiI always wondered why nobody did it before me. I mean, all those comic books, movies, TV shows. You think that one eccentric loner would've made himself a costume. I mean, is everyday life really so exciting? Are schools and offices so thrilling that I'm the only one who fantasized about this? Come on, be honest with yourself. At some point in our lives, we all wanna be a superhero.
Dave Lizewski[a winged avenger dives to his death]That's not me, by the way. That's some Armenia guy with a history of mental health problems.
Damon Macready700 miles an hour; so, at close range like this, the force is gonna take you off your feet for sure, but it's really no more painful than a punch in the chest.
Mindy Macready[mumbles to herself]I hate getting punched in the chest.
Damon Macready[cocks gun]You're gonna be fine, baby doll!
[he aims and fires, hitting her squarely in the chest; she goes flying off her feet, landing on her back]
Damon Macready[walking up to her as she pulls the bullet out of her bullet-proof vest hidden underneath her jacket]How was that? Not so bad. Kinda fun, huh? Now you know how it feels. You won't be scared when some junkie asshole pulls a glock.
Mindy Macready[smiling]I wouldn't have been scared anyways!
Dave LizewskiThat's me, back before any of this crazy shit happened. I guess I was the last person you'd expect to become a superhero. I'm not saying there was anything wrong with me, but there's nothing special, either. I wasn't into sports, I wasn't a mathlete or a hardcore gamer. I didn't have a piercing, or an eating disorder, or 3000 friends on MySpace. My only superpower was being invisible to girls -- and, out of my friends, man, I wasn't even the funny one. Like most people my age, I just existed.
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Dave LizewskiThis is awesome! I look like frickin' Wolverine!
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Dave LizewskiWhat's the difference between Spider-Man and Peter Parker? Spider-Man gets the girl.
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[last lines]
Dave Lizewski[voiceover]Kick-Ass was gone but not forgotten, and my world was much safer with all the new superheroes. They said I was their inspiration, but all I did was make a door into a world I dreamed about since I was a little kid.
Hit-GirlAnd if it wasn't for you... my dad wouldn't be.
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Dave Lizewski[voice-over]Even with my metal plates and my fucked up nerve endings, I gotta tell ya, that... hurt -- but not half as much as the idea of leaving everything behind: Katie, my dad, Todd and Marty, and all the things I'd never do, like... learn to drive, or see what me and Katie's kids would look like, or find out what happened on "Lost." And, if you're reassuring yourself that I'm gonna make it through this since I'm talkin' to you now, quit being such a smart-ass. Hell, dude, you never seen "Sin City?" "Sunset Boulevard?" "American Beauty?"
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Big DaddyGood job. I'm so proud of you, baby doll. Are you okay?
Hit-GirlMm-hm... but getting shot, Daddy, it hurt a lot more than when you did it.
Big DaddyThat's because I used low velocity rounds, child... heh-heh.
Hit-GirlYou're the kindest daddy in the whole world.
Dave LizewskiYou, uhh... you like checkin' out that new Kate Hudson movie where she's, like, a shoe designer, can't get a guy? I think we can make the next showing maybe...
Damon MacreadyI'll tell you who owes her a childhood -- FRANK D'AMICO!
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Dave Lizewski[as Frank D'Amico is about to shoot Hit Girl]Hey! Why don't you pick on someone your OWN size?
[points a bazooka at Frank and fires]
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Damon MacreadyMindy? No more homework, Babydoll. It's time for Frank D'Amico to go bye-bye.
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Frank D'Amico[standing over Hit Girl]God, I wish I had a son like you. Time for a family reunion.
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Hit-Girl[after Hit Girl and Kick-Ass land on the roof of Mindy's building with the jet-pack]Thanks, Kick-Ass. My daddy... he would have been proud of both of us.
[she extends her own hand and they shake as both a formal introduction and recognition of their new partnership]
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Damon Macready[studying security videos and blueprints of Frank D'Amico's building]We've gotta get OVER it, on TOP of it, and then INTO it! Right in the middle of it!
Mindy Macready[looks up from other computer screen]Daddy, I think I found one. It's perfect, and they can deliver it in three days.
Huge Goon[preparing to fire the bazooka]I always wanted to say this. Say hello to my little friend!
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Cody[to Big Daddy]Let me out now? I gave you all them names and addresses. Hey, I won't say nothing to nobody. You and your crazy midget friend can go bash whoever you want. Hey, come on. Hey, I know some very bad people up town. Really nasty individuals.
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Dave LizewskiI'll be honest. There wasn't a whole lot of crime-fighting in those first few weeks, but even so, my new vocation kept me plenty busy. I called it preparation, but if you called it fantasizing, it would have been hard to argue. All I knew was... I never felt so good about myself.
Dave Lizewski[waves the sticks wildly]How 'bout that, huh?
[takes out his sticks again]
Dave LizewskiOh yeah! Didn't see that, did ya? Think it's best if you just walk away. Well maybe you shouldn't do that. What? Huh? You looking at me? Well, this IS my business.
Mrs. Zane[from Dave's fantasy where she strips down to nothing but her bra and underwear, with a seductive tone]Don't think I haven't noticed you looking at my tits, Dave. Oh, I want your hands all over me, Dave. Please.
Dave LizewskiSure, a lot of what got me through the average school day was making deposits in the whack-off warehouse for later; though, to be honest, it didn't take much to set me off. I swear, when my hormones balance out, shares in Kleenex are gonna take a dive, man.
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Erika Cho[talking about Dave]He's with Katie... obviously. Why else would I be here?
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Hit-Girl[to Kick-Ass]Hey. Hey, asshole. Can't use the front door now.
