Igor Movie Quotes
Igor
Only one thing left to do...
Brain
Ha-ha, he said "do."
[Igor's "switch!" echoes several times. Nothing happens. He looks over at Scamper, standing by the switch]
Scamper
Do *not* yell at me.
Igor
Oh, I-I'm sorry. I just... pull the switch?
[No response]
Igor
Please pull the switch.
Scamper
That's better.
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Brain
Aw, blind orphans get everything!
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[Scamper drops a giant weight on himself, flattening himself]
Igor
[voice over]
I made him immortal, which is kind of a hassle for him, since he doesn't want to live.
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Igor
[voice over]
That's Brain, one of my other inventions. Legend has it when the smartest man in the world died, they put his brain in a jar... this is not that brain.
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Brain
Wait, wait, wait, wait! Why does *he* get to pull the switch?
Scamper
Because I'm not an idiot, *Brian*.
Brain
My name is not Brian!
Scamper
Then you must have his jar.
Igor
Stop! You can both pull the switch. On the count of three. One...
[Scamper pulls the switch]
Brain
Hey, no fair!
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Brain
Our work here is done.
Scamper
"Our work"? You spent the whole time playing with a piece of ribbon.
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Dr. Schadenfreude
[to Igor, about Eva]
How do we get this evil bone up and running? Do we kick it? Slap it? Take it to the movies and call it Irene?
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Igor
As somebody I loved once said: It's better to be a good nobody, than an evil somebody.
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Igor
Hi, I'm here about the "Igor Wanted" ad. My name's Igor. Well, of course it is. I have a hunch, what's my name gonna be? Kevin?
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Eva
As an actor, I feel VERY deeply about everything. And enjoy every minute of it.
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Scamper
[after escaping a trap and about to set Igor and Brain free also]
What? Like this is the first time I've gnawed my own feet off?
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Igor
He tricked us into believing that we need to be evil to survive. But we don't! None of us do.
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[pulls a switch]
Dr. Schadenfreude
No more Doctor-Don't-Kill-anybody.
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Brain
Is French Fries an idea?
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[first lines]
Igor
[voice over]
Nice weather we're having, huh? Here in the Kingdom of Malaria, every day's forecast is rainy, with a 100% chance of horror! It wasn't always like this, though. Years ago, Malaria was a sunny land of farmers, until the mysterious storm clouds rolled in, and never left. They killed our crops, and our people became poor. And that's when King Malpert thought up a new way for us to make money: Evil Inventions! The kind that crush you, kill you, bring you back to life, then kill you again way worse! We invent them, and the world pays us not to unleash them. Oh, it's a great gig, especially if you're an evil scientist. Fame, fortune, a rent-free castle in the hills. They get it all! They're the top of the heap!
Dr. Holzwurm
Igor, pull the switch!
Dr. Holzwurm's Igor
Yes, Master.
Igor
[voice over]
And the bottom of the heap? Those are the poor schlobs like me, born with a hunch on our back - Igors.
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Igor
I always wanted to be an evil scientist. Unfortunately the hunch on my back was a one-way ticket to Igor School. I majored in Talking With A Slur and graduated with a Yes Masters Degree.
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[Scamper drinks a whole bottle of poison, twitches, and falls over, then...]
Scamper
Dang it. Still here.
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[following Eva's trail to an orphanage, they hear screams from inside]
Igor
Oh, God, she's killing blind orphans! That's so... evil! I mean, which is great! But... *blind orphans*?
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Dr. Glickenstein
Now to take the old cow for a test drive!
Igor
No, Master! The rocket is going to...!
[the rocket explodes, scattering pieces of Glickenstein everywhere]
Igor
Uh, yeah, that.
Scamper
Finally! Now I can throw out that rug in the foyer, that thing is hideous.
[off their looks]
Scamper
We were all thinking it, I just said it.
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Eva
We haven't met. Hi, I'm Eva.
[extends hand]
Heidi
[whimpers]
Eva
You're upset. I know... 'who's the strange woman living with Igor?' But, I assure you, Igor and I are just friends. As his girlfriend, you have *nothing* to worry about.
Heidi
I'm not hees geerlfriend.
Eva
You're not? But the way he looks at you... he never looks at me that way.
Heidi
Maybe... some men like vomen, who don't look like zey vere put togezer in ze junkyard.
[pause]
Eva
Right.
Heidi
You have a very ugly face.
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Dr. Glickenstein
Pull the switch!
Igor
[voice over]
Not the smartest scientist. His last invention was an Evil Lasagna. It didn't kill anyone, and it actually tasted pretty good.
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King Malbert
[after the sun comes out, and Eva stored to her good-natured self]
WAIT, WHAT'S HAPPENING!
Igor
The end of Malaria's evil role in the world.
Carl Cristall
Camera 2.
[camera focuses on Igor]
Igor
Oh, uhh, oh, excellent, uh, thank you uhh... For generations King Malbert has kept us, in the dark. By creating the clouds, with a weather ray. HE LIED TO US! WE TRUSTED HIM, AND HE LIED TO US! He tricked us into thinking we needed to be evil, TO SURVIVE! BUT WE DON'T, none us do.
[audience boo at King Malbert]
King Malbert
THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! HE HAS NO PROOF, WHERE'S HIS PROOF, I DEMAND TO SEE PROOF!
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Eva
[while rehearsing the Annie production]
[singing]
Eva
The sun'll come out tomorrow. Bet your...
Igor
No, you missed it, again.
Eva
Excuse me, Igor, but I think you're supposed to say "cut."
Igor
That's for film.
Scamper
Film? Can you imagine a face like that on a 40-foot screen?
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Brain
And bring me back a toy!
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Brain
I want to live forever! I got plans! I got dreams! I got a squeaky wheel... was that me?
Scamper
Really, Brain. You want to be trapped in an endless, existential nightmare, forced to keep living even though life is meaningless and nothing matters?
Brain
Possibly. What exactly did you say?
Scamper
Too bad he wasted his intelligence formula on me too, Brain. Or should I say Brian?
[referring to what Brain wrote down on his jar]
Brain
Hey, I was in a hurry!
[tries to wipe it off]
Brain
Stupid permanent marker!
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Eva
[giving out her opening night presents] You first, Brain.
Brain
An envelope! You spoil me rotten, lady!
Eva
I think we'd better open it.
[does so]
Eva
It's a new label for your jar.
Brain
[gasps] And 'Brain' is spelled right.
[turns it toward his friends to make sure]
Brain
It is, right?
Eva
[putting the label on the jar] You shouldn't really worry about labels, though. Because you may be a brain, but you have a heart, and in some ways, that's more important.
Brain
Heart? I'd kill for a pair of feet!
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