The Birdcage Movie Quotes
Armand
You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!... but you keep it all inside.
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Albert
Don't use that tone to me!
Armand
What tone?
Albert
That sarcastic contemptuous tone that means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman.
Armand
You're not a woman.
Albert
Oh, you bastard!
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Armand
What are you giving him drugs for? What the hell are Pirin tablets?
Agador
It's aspirin with the "A" and the "S" scraped off.
Armand
My God, what a brilliant idea!
Agador
I know.
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Albert Goldman
Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING!
Armand
I made you short?
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Armand
Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. Yes, I'm a middle- aged fag. But I know who I am, Val. It took me twenty years to get here, and I'm not gonna let some idiot senator destroy that. Fuck the senator, I don't give a damn what he thinks.
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Albert
[discussing abortion]
Oh, I know what you're going to say. "If you kill the mother, the fetus dies, too." But the fetus is going to be aborted anyway, so why not let it go down with the ship?
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Armand
Al, you old son of a bitch! How ya doin'? How do you feel about that call today? I mean the Dolphins! Fourth-and-three play on their 30 yard line with only 34 seconds to go!
Albert
How do you think I feel? Betrayed, bewildered... wrong response?
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Celsius
Chewing gum helps me think.
Albert
Sweetie, you're wasting your gum!
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Agador
Armand, why don't you let me be in the show? Are you afraid of my Guatemalan-ness?
Armand
Your what?
Agador
My Guatemalan-ness, my natural heat. You're afraid I'm too primitive to be on the stage with your little estrogen rockettes, right?
Armand
You're right. I'm afraid of your heat.
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Armand
My cemetery's in Key Biscayne. It's one of the prettiest in the world. The sky is blue, palm trees, rolling hills. The one is Los Copa's really shit.
[sigh]
Armand
What a pain in the ass you are. And it's true: you're not young, you're not new, and you do make people laugh. And me? I'm still with you because you make me laugh. So you know what I got to do? I got to sell my plot in Key Biscayne so I can get one next to you in that shithole Los Copa, so I never miss a laugh.
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Armand
All right, I'll bite, where are you going?
Albert
To Los Copa.
Armand
Los Copa? There's nothing in Los Copa but a cemetery.
Albert
I know, that's why I'm packing light.
Armand
Oh I see, so you're going to a cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.
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Armand
Is Albert here?
Agador
No.
Armand
Great. Then he's driving back from Miami at 20 miles an hour with the parking brake on.
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Albert
You know, I used to feel that way too until I found out that Alexander the Great was a fag. Talk about gays in the military!
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Louise Keeley
Oh, what interesting china. It looks like young men playing leap frog.
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Agador
Senator, another shot for you?
Senator Kevin Keeley
I don't really drink...
Agador
Yeah, but now's the time to pretend!
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Albert
Oh yes... Coldeman. The "d" is silent in America. It's Cole D'Isle au Man, or Cole of the Isle of Man, in France, where Armand's chateau is, Cold-e-man in Greece where Armand's work is, and finally the vulgar Coleman in Florida where Armand's home is, so actually, we don't know where we are until we hear our last name pronounced! Ahahahahahahaaaaa!
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Armand
So this is Hell. And there's a crucifix in it.
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Armand
It's like riding a psychotic horse toward a burning stable.
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Armand
A woman is said to be worth her weight in hens. And a man's wealth is measured by the size of his cock.
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Armand
There are no straight maids in South Beach.
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Albert
I'm leaving you my stereo...
Agador
No.
Albert
My red boots...
Agador
I don't want it.
Albert
And my wigs.
Agador
Which wigs?
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Armand
[to Agador]
Pull yourself together! Because you have to cook dinner. And I'm going after fucking Albert.
[Exits]
Val
You... can *cook*, right?
Agador
Your father seems to think so...
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Senator Kevin Keeley
[in drag]
No one will dance with me. I think it's this dress. I told them white would make me look fat.
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Katherine
You were so terrified, it was so sweet.
Armand
I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. I mean, I walk in the door and there's a woman in my bed!
Katherine
I paid the doorman twenty dollars - twenty dollars, in those days!
Armand
Oh, God. And I thought, "what the hell, let's try it once with a woman and see what those straight guys are raving about."
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Keeley's Chauffeur
Lady, not for a million dollars.
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Senator Kevin Keeley
Louise, I'm the Vice President of the Coalition for Moral Order! My co-founder has just died in the bed of an underage black whore!
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Albert Goldman
"You look tired" means "you look old." And "you look rested" means "you've had collagen."
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Albert
Oh God, I pierced the toast!
Armand
So what? The important thing to remember is not to go to pieces when that happens. You have to react like a man, calmly. You have to say to yourself, "Albert, you pierced the toast, so what? It's not the end of your life."
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Armand
Now take that wig off or I'll tell Albert you're wearing it.
Agador
You do that, I'm gonna tell him you're seeing somebody else while he's on the stage.
Armand
I have two words for you: green card.
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Armand
Don't worry about that. I'm very maternal. And Albert's practically a breast.
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Agador
My father was the shaman of his tribe, okay? My mother was the high priestess, okay?
Armand
Then why the hell did they move to New Jersey?
Agador
I don't know, they're so stupid.
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Agador
Good eve-e-ning. May I take jour purse as usual... or for the first tine?
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Albert
Oh yes, another jibe, another joke at my expense. You were probably laughing at me with Katherine, too. Well, why not? I'm not young, I'm not new, and everyone laughs at me. I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I am. I've been thinking that the only solution is to go where no one is ridiculous and everyone is equal. Goodbye, Armand.
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Armand
Agador!
Val
Spartacus!
Armand
Agador Spartacus!... He insists on being called by his full name.
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Albert
Could you tell them I was a relative who dropped in? Val's Uncle? Uncle Al?
Armand
What's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al.
Albert
Oh, I could play it straight!
Armand
Oh please, look at you! Look at the way you're holding your glass! Look at your pinky! Look at your posture!
Albert
What? What about you? You're obviously not a cultural... whatever it is. You've never been to a museum, and you eat like a pig!
Armand
Albert, these people are right-wing conservatists. They don't care if you're a pig, they just care if you're a fag!... Ah, fuck 'em! Of course you can pass as an uncle!
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Armand
What we really need is a woman. We can get away with Albert as an uncle if we had a woman as a mother. Ironic, isn't it? When you need a woman...
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Albert
I'm just... a guy!
Armand
What about those?
[Gesturing to Albert's pink socks]
Albert
These? Well, one does want a hint of color.
Armand
[Armand and Val laugh at him, trying to hide it in their expressions, though]
Albert
You think when I dress like this I'm even more obvious.
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Albert
He blew a BUBBLE with his GUM while I was singing. He can't do that while I'm SINGING!
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Val
Who put Playboy in the bathroom?
Goldman Girl
Leave it, it's what they read.
Val
Don't add! Just subtract!
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Armand
Fuck the shrimp!
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Armand
Shouldn't you be holding the crucifix? It is THE prop for martyrs!
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Albert
Oh Vallie, this is such a shock. I'm not saying anything, I promised your father, Mmm-mmm. But you're only twenty, and if you throw yourself away on some dormitory slut you'll be sorry for the rest of your life. There, enough said, no more, subject closed.
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Armand
What the hell are you serving us?
Agador
Sweet and sour peasant soup! What you say it's seafood chowder for?
Armand
What the hell is sweet and sour peasant soup?
Agador
I don't know, I made it up. I made it up!
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Club Patron
I've never danced with a man before.
Louise Keeley
[in female drag] There's always a first time.
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Albert
My mother always said, "Live on Fisher Island, get buried in Palm Beach. That way, you'll have the best of Florida."
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Albert
Armand Goldman, you old so-and-so! How 'bout those Dolphins! ... Screaming queen?
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Louise Keeley
Who is this boy, Barbie? When was the last time you saw him?
Barbara Keeley
Please don't call me Barbie. This afternoon at two o'clock. We've been sleeping together for a year.
Senator Kevin Keeley
Oh God, has he been tested?
Louise Keeley
Oh, Kevin!
Barbara Keeley
Yes, and so have I.
[Louise screams]
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Albert
[Armand has entered from the kitchen to hear Albert finishing a story]
... and so they decided to find a cemetery they *really* loved instead of eating tofu!
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Senator Kevin Keeley
[in drag]
Don't leave me. Don't leave me here. I don't want to be the only girl not dancing!
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Armand
Celsius, look, this may be a drag show, but it still has to be a good drag show, if possible a great drag show.
Albert
Yeah, so just because you're twenty-two and hung doesn't mean that you can...
Armand
Let me do this, Albert.
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Albert
When the schnecken beckons...
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Armand
Ugh, what is this, sludge?
Agador
Yes, it's sludge; I thought it'd make a nice change from coffee.
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[last lines]
Rabbi
Mazeltov!
Pastor
As a sign of your union, you may kiss the bride.
Albert
[loudly weeps hysterically]
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Val
My first day at Edison Park, you remember what you told me?
Armand
No.
Val
You said if Miss Donovan asks me what my father does for a living, I should say he's a businessman.
Armand
Well, you were a baby. And Miss Donovan was a small-minded idiot. I didn't want you to get hurt. It's different now. You're a man.
Val
I can still get hurt.
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Senator Kevin Keeley
She's a small town girl and he's a pretentious European. The worst kind. Him and his Cold' whatever... his decadent china. I've seen this all before. Aristotle Onassis was like this. And all of the French. Especially Mitterand. And the English. Not Margaret Thatcher, of course. But you can't tell me John Major doesn't have something on the side.
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Senator Kevin Keeley
Oh, I got to fire this woman. Uh, Miss Porter, page two, second paragraph, it's "porno", not "pronto".
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Val
Put your shoes on Agador, it's getting late.
Agador
[In what he thinks is a normal waiter's voice]
Ah, but there's no point in my putting shoes on.
[blows out match]
Agador
I never wear shoes because they make me fall down.
Val
Just, put your shoes on, okay? And talk in your normal voice, and just... give me a break, okay?
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Armand
Does it matter?
Val
Yes, of course it does. Say it's okay, before Albert arrives and starts screaming.
Armand
I can't. And I won't. This is too crazy. You do this, you're on your own. You got that, sport? You don't come back here, you don't ask me for anything, I want nothing to do with it.
Val
Okay, if that's how you feel.
Armand
I do.
Val
Fine.
[picks up his jacket and holds out his hand]
Val
Goodbye, Pop.
Armand
Goodbye, son.
[They shake hands, and Val starts to turn away]
Armand
Oh, come here!
[pulls him into a hug]
Armand
You little pisher, you called my bluff!
Val
Yeah, but it was good, though.
Armand
Really? I thought I backed off on it a little.
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Armand
First off, you're only twenty.
Val
Look, Pop, I know I'm young. But you've always said I was a very levelheaded guy, and I am. I have job offers, I know exactly what I want my future to be, and I have this incredible role model...
Armand
Oh, please.
Val
No, it's true. You know, I'm the only guy in my fraternity who doesn't come from a broken home.
Armand
Stop flattering me, it's cheap.
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Armand
Agador, you're gonna have to get yourself a uniform and dress like a butler.
Agador
No! I'm gonna look like a fag!
Armand
Maybe, but you'll look like a fag in a uniform.
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Katherine
Armand Goldman.
Armand
Katie Archer, or is it "Mrs." something?
Katherine
No. I'm between husbands.
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Armand
Val's fiancée is coming tonight with her parents, and we thought... we thought it would be better if you weren't here.
Albert
I see... I see.
Val
It's just for tonight.
Albert
I understand, it's just while people are here.
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Armand
Just our dog, Piranha. We always lock her in when there's company.
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Armand
Wait...
Albert
Who is he? Who is he? Where's your little chippy?
Armand
Stop screaming! It's Val.
Albert
Val?
Armand
Go check. He's sleeping in his room if you don't believe me.
Albert
Oh. Why didn't you tell me?
Armand
Surprise.
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Louise Keeley
If necessary, we'll get the Pope's blessing, it's not hard!
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Val
I have something to tell you. But I don't want you to get how you get.
Armand
Oh, God...
Val
I'm getting married.
Armand
Oh...
[face-palms]
Val
I didn't want to tell you over the phone...
Armand
Mmm.
Val
It's a girl, I met her at school, she's wonderful...
[Armand drains his entire glass of wine in one sip]
Val
Uh... are you upset?
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Albert
Here, let me help you lean on it.
Armand
I think I need a doctor.
Albert
Oh, don't be silly! It isn't even swollen!
[opens door]
Albert
Just sit down on the... AAAAAAAAHH! We've been robbed!
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Senator Kevin Keeley
I'm so glad I got on Jackson's bandwagon instead of Dole. Dole is just too, too...
Louise Keeley
Dark.
Senator Kevin Keeley
Well, I was gonna say liberal, but he's dark, too.
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Louise Keeley
It's so dangerous! You could've fallen!
Senator Kevin Keeley
I did!
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Louise Keeley
I noticed you didn't have this kind of blind sympathy for Bessy Jackson!
Senator Kevin Keeley
Bessy Jackson is an insensitive cow!
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Val
I assure you, Mother is just following a train of thought to a logical, yet absurd conclusion... much in the same way Jonathan Swift did when he suggested the Irish feed their babies to the rich.
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[on the phone]
Senator Kevin Keeley
Hello, Ben. Ready for what? WHAT?
Louise Keeley
What's the matter, Kevin?
Senator Kevin Keeley
Jackson's dead.
Louise Keeley
Oh my God!
Senator Kevin Keeley
He died in bed? Whose bed? A prostitute?
Louise Keeley
No!
Senator Kevin Keeley
A minor? And black?
Louise Keeley
What?
Senator Kevin Keeley
I don't believe this! I don't FUCKING believe this!
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Albert
[enters the house in drag]
Here I am! Oh, please forgive me for being so late, but the traffic was unbelievable. Senator Keeley, Mrs. Keeley, I'm so happy to meet you at last. And, oh... you must be Barbara. What a pretty child. Come here and give me a hug!
[Senator Keeley, obviously charmed, motions Barbara towards Albert]
Albert
Oh, how adorable! She's shy.
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Louise Keeley
[Mrs. Keeley is angry at Sen. Keeley]
I feel like I've never seen you before! I don't even know WHO you are! You don't care about Barbara, all you care about is your career... and *poor*, little Mrs. Coleman!
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Armand
Take it! Take it all! What difference does it make if I say you can stay or if you say I can stay?
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Waiter
Armand, the Kennedys are here again for supper, third time this week, you want to pick up their tab?
Armand
Ted?
Waiter
No, just the younger ones.
Armand
Wish we could get Ted. Give 'em a free round of coffee.
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Albert
Armand! Did you see that?
Armand
What?
Albert
He blew a bubble while I was singing. He can't do that while I'M SINGING!
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Senator Kevin Keeley
Louise, people in this country aren't interested in details. They don't even trust details. The only thing they trust is headlines.
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Val
I'm getting married.
Armand
Ohh.
[He covers his face for one second and drinks his wine in 1 go]
Val
It's a girl. Are you upset?
Armand
Let me tell you why.
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Armand
How 'bout those dolphins, huh?
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Senator Kevin Keeley
That's just what Rush Limbaugh said!
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Armand
Work it, own it, sell it!
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Agador
[in a scene after one in which he was dressed like Lucy]
Armand, why don't you let me be in the show?
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Albert
Maybe it is too much to introduce me as his mother on the first visit. Could you tell him I was a relative who dropped in? Val's uncle, Uncle Al!
Armand
Oh, what's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al.
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Albert
Aaaaahhhhh! We've been robbed.
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Louise Keeley
I like its... severity.
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Albert
Oh, Armand, our baby is going to leave us. And we won't have any others.
Armand
Not without a miracle.
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Senator Kevin Keeley
I feel like I'm insane.
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[first lines]
[singers are performing "We Are Family" on-stage]
Cyril
[backstage, into a telephone]
Agador! Where is Starina? She goes on in 5 minutes!
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Senator Kevin Keeley
Look, this will just have to wait until after the election. I can't deal with this now.
Louise Keeley
Where does this young man come from, Barbie..ra? Who is his father?
Barbara Keeley
[tensely] His father... is in the arts. On the council. The Council of cultural Arts.
Barbara Keeley
Really?
Senator Kevin Keeley
The ones that funded the Mapplethorpe exhibit?
Barbara Keeley
No, no. Goodness, no. He's a cultural attache to Greece.
Louise Keeley
Really?
Senator Kevin Keeley
What the hell is that?
Louise Keeley
That... that.s a diplomatic post, isn.t it? Almost like an ambassador? What does the mother do?
Barbara Keeley
She's a... housewife.
Louise Keeley
Well, that's really refreshing, isn't it, Kevin?
Senator Kevin Keeley
I don't want to talk about this now.
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Albert
Another television van just arrived. And a car, it says "Florida Eagle." Oh, that's just print news.
Senator Kevin Keeley
They'll have a great headline: "Senator Jackson and His Women, Senator Keeley and His Men."
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Albert
You don't love me anymore, Armand.
Armand
[scoffs] Oh, shit.
Albert
There's a man in your life.
Armand
What?
Albert
I sense it... I sense it and I saw a bottle of white wine... chilling in the refrigerator.
[whispers]
Albert
I only drink red, and so do you.
Armand
[fastening the anklet] There's no man. I'm switching to white because red has tannins. Now there are 150 people out there, half of them are Kennedys and they're all waiting for you. Waiting to applaud you, waiting to applaud the great Starina.
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