Lt. Aldo RaineMy name is Lt. Aldo Raine and I'm putting together a special team, and I need me eight soldiers. Eight Jewish-American soldiers. Now, y'all might've heard rumors about the armada happening soon. Well, we'll be leaving a little earlier. We're gonna be dropped into France, dressed as civilians. And once we're in enemy territory, as a bushwhackin' guerrilla army, we're gonna be doin' one thing and one thing only... killin' Nazis. Now, I don't know about y'all, but I sure as hell didn't come down from the goddamn Smoky Mountains, cross five thousand miles of water, fight my way through half of Sicily and jump out of a fuckin' air-o-plane to teach the Nazis lessons in humanity. Nazi ain't got no humanity. They're the foot soldiers of a Jew-hatin', mass murderin' maniac and they need to be dee-stroyed. That's why any and every son of a bitch we find wearin' a Nazi uniform, they're gonna die. Now, I'm the direct descendant of the mountain man Jim Bridger. That means I got a little Injun in me. And our battle plan will be that of an Apache resistance. We will be cruel to the Germans, and through our cruelty they will know who we are. And they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered, and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us. And the German won't not be able to help themselves but to imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives. And the German will be sickened by us, and the German will talk about us, and the German will fear us. And when the German closes their eyes at night and they're tortured by their subconscious for the evil they have done, it will be with thoughts of us they are tortured with. Sound good?
Sgt. Donny DonowitzSgt. Donny Donowitz, Pfc. Hirschberg, Pfc. Andy Kagan, Pfc. Simon Sakowitz, Pfc. Omar Ulmer, Pfc. Smithson Utivich, Cpl. Wilhelm Wicki, Pfc. Michael Zimmerman: YES, SIR!
Lt. Aldo RaineThat's what I like to hear. But I got a word of warning for all you would-be warriors. When you join my command, you take on debit. A debit you owe me personally. Each and every man under my command owes me one hundred Nazi scalps. And I want my scalps. And all y'all will git me one hundred Nazi scalps, taken from the heads of one hundred dead Nazis. Or you will die tryin'.
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Lt. Aldo RaineWell, I speak the most Italian, so I'll be your escort. Donowitz speaks the second most, so he'll be your Italian cameraman. Omar speaks third most, so he'll be Donny's assistant.
Pfc. Omar UlmerI don't speak Italian.
Lt. Aldo RaineLike I said, third best. Just keep your fuckin' mouth shut. In fact, why don't you start practicing, right now!
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Lt. Aldo RaineYou probably heard we ain't in the prisoner-takin' business; we in the killin' Nazi business. And cousin, business is a-boomin'.
Lt. Archie HicoxWhat's going to happen, Major... you're going to stand up and walk out that door with us.
Major Dieter HellstromNo, no, no, no, no, no. I don't think so. I'm afraid you and I... we both know, Captain... no matter what happens to anybody else in this room... the two of us aren't going anywhere. Too bad about Sergeant Wilhelm and his famous friends. If any of you expect to live, you'll have to shoot them too. Looks like little Max will grow up an orphan. How sad.
Lt. Archie Hicox[In English]Well, if this is it, old boy, I hope you don't mind if I go out speaking the King's.
Lt. Archie Hicox[picks up his glass of scotch]There's a special rung in hell reserved for people who waste good scotch. Seeing as how I may be rapping on the door momentarily...
Lt. Aldo Raine[Drawing a map]Up the road apiece, there's an orchard. Now, besides you, we know there's another kraut patrol fuckin' around there somewhere. Now if that patrol were to have any crackshots, that orchard would be a goddamn sniper's delight. Now, if you ever want to eat a sauerkraut sandwich again, you gotta show me on this here map where they are, you gotta tell me how many there are, and you gotta tell me what kinda artillery they're carrying with 'em.
Sgt. Werner RachtmanYou can't expect me to divulge information that would put German lives in danger.
Lt. Aldo RaineWell, now Werner, that's where you're wrong, because that's exactly what I expect. I need to know about Germans hiding in them trees, and you need to tell me, and you need to tell me right now. Now, just take that finger of yours and point out on this here map where this party's being held, how many's coming, and what they brought to play with.
Sgt. Werner Rachtman[puts his hand over his heart]I respectfully refuse, sir.
Lt. Aldo RaineThat's Sgt. Donny Donowitz. You might know him better by his nickname: "The Bear Jew". Now, if you heard of Aldo the Apache, you gotta have heard of the Bear Jew.
Sgt. Werner RachtmanHe beats German soldiers with a club.
Lt. Aldo RaineHe bashes their brains in with a baseball bat is what he does. Now, Werner, I'm gonna ask you one last goddamn time, if you still respectfully refuse, I'm callin' the Bear Jew over. He's gonna take that big bat of his, and he's gonna beat your ass to death with it. Now, take your wiener schnitzel lickin' finger and point out on this map what I want to know.
Sgt. Werner Rachtman[after brief pause]Fuck you... and your Jew dogs!
[the Basterds all laugh]
Lt. Aldo RaineActually, Werner, we're all tickled to here you say that. Quite frankly, watchin' Donny beat Nazis to death is the closest we ever get to goin' to the movies. Donny!
Lt. Aldo RaineWe got a German here who wants to die for his country! Oblige him!
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[last lines]
Lt. Aldo RaineY'know... Utivich 'n myself heard that deal you made with the brass. "End the war tonight"?... I'd make that deal. How 'bout you Utivich, you make that deal?
Lt. Aldo RaineI don't blame ya! Damn good deal! And that purty little nest you feathered for yourself. Well, if you're willing to barbecue the whole high command, I 'spose that's worth certain considerations. But I do have one question. When you get to your little place on Nantucket Island, I 'magine you're gonna take off that handsome-lookin' S.S. uniform of yours, ain'tcha?... That's what I thought. Now that I can't abide. How 'bout you Utivich, can you abide it?
Lt. Aldo RaineI mean, if I had my way... you'd wear that goddamn uniform for the rest of your pecker-suckin' life. But I'm aware that ain't practical, I mean at some point you're gonna hafta take it off. So. I'm 'onna give you a little somethin' you can't take off.
[cut to Landa screaming and crying as Raine carves a swastika into his forehead]
Lt. Aldo Raine[smirks widely]You know somethin', Utivich? I think this just might be my masterpiece!
[Raine and Utvich grin sardonically as the credits roll]
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Col. Hans LandaThe feature that makes me such an effective hunter of the Jews is, as opposed to most German soldiers, I can think like a Jew, where they can only think like a German... more precisely, German soldier. Now, if one were to determine what attribute the German people share with a beast, it would be the cunning and the predatory instinct of a hawk. But if one were to determine what attributes the Jews share with a beast, it would be that of the rat. The Führer and Goebbels's propaganda have said pretty much the same thing, but where our conclusions differ is I don't consider the comparison an insult. Consider, for a moment, the world a rat lives in. It's a hostile world, indeed. If a rat were to scamper through your front door right now, would you greet it with hostility?
Col. Hans LandaRats were the cause of the bubonic plague, but that's some time ago. I propose to you, any disease a rat could spread, a squirrel could equally carry. Would you agree?
Col. Hans LandaHa! However interesting as the thought may be, it makes not one bit of difference to how you feel. If a rat were to walk in here right now, as I'm talking, would you greet it with a saucer of your delicious milk?
Col. Hans LandaI didn't think so. You don't like them. You don't really know why you don't like them; all you know is you find them repulsive. Consequently, a German soldier conducts a search of a house suspected of hiding Jews. Where does the hawk look? He looks in the barn, he looks in the attic, he looks in the cellar, he looks everywhere he would hide. But there's so many places it would never occur to a hawk to hide. However, the reason the Führer has brought me off my Alps in Austria and placed me in French cow country today is because it does occur to me. Because I'm aware what tremendous feats human beings are capable of once they abandon dignity.
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Lt. Aldo Raine[Aldo shoots Hans' driver Hermann, and gives Utivich a knife]Scalp Hermann.
Col. Hans LandaAre you mad? What have you done? I made a deal with your general for that man's life!
Lt. Aldo RaineYeah, they made that deal, but they don't give a fuck about him. They need you.
Lt. Aldo RaineNah, I don't think so. More like chewed out. I've been chewed out before.
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[repeated line]
Lt. Aldo RaineI'm gonna give you a little somethin' you can't take off.
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Bridget von HammersmarkI know this is a silly question before I ask it, but can you Americans speak any other language besides English?
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Col. Hans Landa[in German]So who are your three handsome escorts?
Bridget von Hammersmark[in German]I'm afraid neither three speak a word of German. They're friends of mine from Italy. This is the wonderful Italian stuntman, Enzo Gorlomi; a very talented cameraman, Antonio Margheriti; and Antonio's camera assistant, Dominick Decocco.
Bridget von Hammersmark[in Italian]Gentlemen, this is an old friend, Colonel Hans Landa of the SS.
Lt. Aldo Raine[in Italian with obvious southern accent]Buongiorno.
Col. Hans Landa[in flawless Italian]Gentlemen, it's a pleasure; the friends of our cherished star, admired by all of us, this outright jewel of our culture, are naturally going to be under my personal protection for the duration of their stay.
Lt. Aldo Raine[obviously annoyed, leans forward and whispers]Gorlami.
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Col. Hans Landa[to Perrier LaPardite]I love rumors! Facts can be so misleading, where rumors, true or false, are often revealing.
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Sgt. Donny DonowitzTeddy fuckin' Williams knocks it out of the park! Fenway Park on its feet for Teddy fuckin' Ballgame! He went yardo on that one, out to fuckin' Lansdowne Street!
Col. Hans LandaA detective. A damn good dectective. Finding people is my specialty so naturally I work for the Nazis finding people, and yes some of them were Jews. But "Jew Hunter"?
Col. Hans Landa[reacts in disgust]It's just a name that stuck.
Col. Hans LandaAnd as if to make my point, I'm a little surprised how tall you were in real life. I mean, you're a little fellow, but not circus-midget little, as your reputation would suggest.
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[Raine is interrogating Rachtman and poitning out all of his men]
Lt. Aldo RaineAnd another one over there, you might be familiar with: Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz. Heard of 'em?
Sgt. Werner RachtmanEverybody in the German army's heard of Hugo Stiglitz.
[Some of the Basterds laugh, and the camera focuses on Stiglitz; the scene freezes and the words "Hugo Stiglitz" appear on the screen]
Narrator[voice-over]The reason for Hugo Stiglitz's celebrity among German soldiers is simple. As a German enlisted man, he killed thirteen Gestapo officers.
[Stiglitz is seen strangling one officer with a cord; stabbing another multiple times in the head through a pillow; and asphyxiating one with his bare hands]
Narrator[voice-over]Instead of putting him up against a wall, the High Command decided to send him back to Berlin, to be made an example of.
[cuts to Stiglitz locked in a cell]
NarratorNeedless to say, once the Basterds heard of him, he never got there.
[One of Raine's men slits a guard's throat; the other Basterds quickly open fire and kill the other guards, then Raine approaches Stiglitz's cell]
Lt. Aldo RaineLt. Aldo Raine. These are the Basterds, ever heard of us?
[Stiglitz nods again]
Lt. Aldo RaineWe just wanted to say we're a big fan of your work. When it comes to killing Nazis...
[one of the guards stirs and groans, and is promptly shot dead on the spot]
Lt. Aldo Raine... I think you show great talent. And I pride myself on having an eye for that kind of talent. But your status as a Nazi killer is still amateur. We all come here to see if you wanna go pro.
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Sgt. Donny Donowitz[Aldo is carving a swastika into Private Butz's forehead]You know, Lieutenant, you're getting pretty good at that.
Lt. Aldo RaineYou know how you get to Carnegie Hall, don't ya? Practice.
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Col. Hans LandaTell me, Aldo, if I were sitting where you're sitting, would you show me mercy?
Shosanna DreyfusMy name is Shosanna Dreyfus and THIS is the face... of Jewish vengeance!
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Marcel[in French; subtitled]What the fuck are we supposed to do?
Shosanna Dreyfus[in French]It looks like we're supposed to have a Nazi premiere.
MarcelLike I said, what the fuck are we supposed to do?
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Bridget von HammersmarkThere have been two recent developments regarding Operation Kino. One, the venue has been changed from the Ritz to a much smaller venue.
Lt. Aldo RaineEnormous changes at the last minute? That's not very Germatic. Why the hell is Goebbels doin' stuff so damn peculiar?
Adolf Hitler[cut to Hitler]I've been rethinking my position in regards to your Paris premiere of "Nation's Pride". As the weeks have gone on and the Americans are on the beach, I do find myself thinking more and more about this Private Zoller. This boy has done something tremendous for us. And I'm beginning to think my participation in this event could be meaningful.
Lt. Aldo RaineI've done my share of bootlegging. Up 'ere, if you engage in what the federal government calls 'illegal activity,' but what we call 'just a man tryin' to make a livin' for his family sellin' moonshine liquor,' it behooves oneself to keep his wits. Long story short, we hear a story too good to be true... it ain't.
Col. Hans LandaSitting in your chair, I would probably say the same thing. And 999 point 999 times out of a million, you would be correct. But in the pages of history, every once in a while, fate reaches out and extends its hand.
[Landa slowly sweeps his arms out in a grand shrug]
Col. Hans LandaAs of this moment, both Omar and Donowitz should be sitting in their very seats we left for them, 0023 and 0024 if my memory serves, explosives still around their ankles, still ready to explode and your mission, what some would call a terrorist plot, as of this moment is still a go.
Lt. Aldo RaineThat's a pretty exciting story. What's next? "Eliza On The Ice"?
Col. Hans LandaHowever... all I have to do is pick up this phone right here, inform the cinema, and your plan's kaputt.
Lt. Aldo RaineIf they're still there, and if they're still alive, and that's one big if, there ain't no way you gonna take them boys without settin' off them bombs.
Col. Hans LandaI have no doubt. And yes, some Germans will die, and yes, it will ruin the evening, and yes, Goebbels will be very, very, very mad at you for what you've done to his big night... but you won't get Hitler, you won't get Goebbels, you won't get Göring, and you won't get Bormann. And you need all four to win the war. But if I don't pick up this phone right here, you may very well get all four... and if you get all four, you'll end the war... tonight.
[he opens a bottle of Chianti]
Col. Hans LandaSo, gentlemen, let's discuss the prospect of ending the war tonight.
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Col. Hans Landa[to a bound and blindfolded Lt. Aldo]You've had a nice long run, Aldo. Alas, you're now in the hands of the SS.
[raises hands in a dramatic manner]
Col. Hans LandaMy hands, to be exact. And they've been waiting a long time to touch you.
[fingers reach out and poke Lt. Aldo in the face; Lt. Aldo flinches]
[Landa aggressively grabs Bridget by the throat, throws her off the chair and violently strangles her to death]
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Col. Hans LandaI did have something else I wanted to ask you, but right now, for the life of me, I can't remember what it is. Oh, well, must not have been important. Till tonight.
[He leaves. Shosanna lets out an emotional sigh of relief and starts crying]
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Adolf Hitler[in German, with subtitles]How did you survive this ordeal?
Pvt. ButzThey let me go.
Lt. Aldo Raine[cut back to the ditch]Now, when you report what happened here, you can't tell 'em you told us what you told us. They'll shoot ya. But they're gonna wanna know why you so special, we let you live? So, tell 'em we let you live so you could spread the word through the ranks what's gonna happen to every Nazi we find.
Adolf Hitler[cut back to Hitler's office]You are not to tell anybody anything! Not one word of detail! Your outfit was ambushed and you got away! Not one word more!
Pvt. ButzYes, mein fuhrer.
Adolf HitlerDid they mark you like they did they did the other survivors?
Pvt. ButzYes, mein fuhrer.
Lt. Aldo Raine[cut back to the ditch]Now, say we let you go, and say you survive the war. When you get back home, whatcha gonna do?
[Wicki translates to German]
Pvt. Butz[in German]I will hug my mother like I've never hugged her before.
Lt. Aldo RaineYeah, that's what we thought. We don't like that. You see, we like our Nazis in uniform. That way we can spot 'em just like that. But you take off that uniform, ain't no one ever gonna know you were a Nazi. And that don't sit well with us. So, I'm gonna give you a little something you can't take off.
[cut back to Hitler's office. He moves closer to Butz as Butz removes his cap to show a large swastika-shaped scar on his forehead]
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Sgt. Donny DonowitzAfter I kill that guy, you have 30 feet to get to that guy. Can you do it?
Pfc. Omar UlmerI have to.
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Col. Hans LandaGentlemen, I have no intention of killing Hitler and killing Goebbels and killing Göring and killing Bormann, not to mention winning the war single-handedly for the Allies, only later to find myself standing before a Jewish tribunal. If you want to win the war, tonight;
[Landa lightly chops his hands down against the table]
Col. Hans LandaThe kind you wouldn't have the authority to make. However, I'm sure this mission of yours has a commanding officer. A general. I'm betting for... OSS would be my guess.
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Joseph Goebbels[in German; subtitled]How many seats in your auditorium?
Joseph GoebbelsThat's almost four hundred less than the Ritz.
Fredrick Zoller[in German]But Herr Goebbels, that's not such a bad thing. You said yourself you didn't want to indulge every two-faced French bourgeois taking up space currying favor. With less seats it makes the event more exclusive. You're not trying to fill the house, they're fighting for seats. Besides, to hell with the French. This is a German night, a German event, a German celebration. This night is for you, me, the German military, the High Command, their family and friends. The only people who should be allowed in the room are the people who will be moved by the exploits on the screen.
Joseph Goebbels[after a pause]I see your public speaking has improved.
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Major Dieter Hellstrom[in German]Might I inquire... Like our young newly christened father here... I, too, have an acute ear for accents. And like him, I, too, find yours odd. From where do you hail, Captain?
Major Dieter Hellstrom[cutting him off]- I wasn't speaking to you, Lieutenant Munich. Or you either, Lieutenant Frankfurt. I was speaking to Captain I-don't-know-what.
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Adolf Hitler[in German]NEIN, NEIN, NEIN, NEIN, NEIN, NEIN!
[turns to his men]
Adolf HitlerHow much more of these Jew swine must I endure? They butcher my men like they were fish bait! I have heard the rumors myself! Soldiers of the Third Reich, who have brought the world to its knees, now pecking and clucking like chickens. Do you know the latest rumor they've conjured up in their fear-induced delirium? The one that beats my boys with a bat. The one they call "the Bear Jew" is a golem!
General Frank[in German]Mein Führer, that is just soldier's gossip. No one really believes that the Bear Jew is a golem.
Adolf HitlerWhy not? They seem to elude capture like an apparition! They seem to be able to appear and disappear at will. You want to prove they're flesh and blood?
[pounds on table]
Adolf HitlerTHEN BRING THEM TO ME! I will hang them naked, by their heels from the Eiffel Tower! And then throw their bodies into the sewers for the rats of Paris to feast on!
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Shosanna Dreyfus[in French; subtitled]I am going to burn down the cinema on Nazi night. And if I'm going to burn down the cinema, which I am, we both know you're not going to let me do it by myself. Because you love me. And I love you. And you're the only person on this earth I can trust. But that's not all we're going to do. Does the filmmaking equipment in the attic still work? I know the film camera does. How about the sound recorder?
Marcel[in French]Quite well, actually. I recorded a new guitarist I met in a cafe last week. It works superb. Why do we need filmmaking equipment?
Shosanna DreyfusBecause, Marcel, my sweet, we're going to make a film. Just for the Nazis.
Col. Hans LandaWhat a tremendously hostile world that a rat must endure. Yet not only does he survive, he thrives. Because our little foe has an instinct for survival and preservation second to none... And that, Monsieur, is what a Jew shares with a rat.
Col. Hans LandaPrecisely! I understand your trepidation in repeating it. Heydrich apparently hates the moniker the good people of Prague have bestowed on him. Actually, why he would hate the name "hangman" is baffling to me. It would appear he has done everything in his power to earn it. I, on the other hand, love my unofficial title, precisely BECAUSE I've earned it.
Col. Hans LandaMonsieur LaPadite, to both your family and your cows I say: Bravo.
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Adolf Hitler[at the premiere of "Nation's Pride"]Extraordinary, my dear. Simply extraordinary. This is your finest film yet.
Joseph Goebbels[Goebbels' eyes fill with tears]Thank you, mein Führer. Thank you.
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Lt. Aldo Raine[trying to speaking Italian in an attempt to fool Landa to keep up his cover as an Italian actor]Gwatzeeeeee. Gwatzeeee. Gwatzeeee.
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Col. Hans Landa[in French; subtitled]Monsieur LaPadite, I regret to inform you I have exhausted the extent of my French. To continue to speak it so inadequately would only serve to embarrass me. However, I've been lead to believe that you speak English quite well.
Col. Hans Landa[in English]Well, it just so happens I do as well. This being your house, I ask your permission to switch back to English for the remainder of the conversation.
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Fredrick Zoller[to Shosanna]It's been a pleasure chatting with a fellow cinema lover.
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Bridget von HammersmarkI can vouch for everything the young captain has just said. He *does* hail from the bottom of Piz Palu. He *was* in the film, and his brother *is* far more handsome than he.
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Lt. Aldo RaineBefore we yank that slug out you, you need to answer a few questions.
Lt. Aldo RaineAbout I got three men dead back there. Why don't you try telling us what the fuck happened?
Bridget von HammersmarkThe British officer blew his German act and the Gestapo major saw it.
Lt. Aldo RaineBefore we get into who shot John, why'd you invite my men to a rendezvous in a basement with a bunch of Nazis?
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Joseph Goebbels[in German; subtitled]It's only the offspring of slaves that allows America to be competitive athletically. American Olympic gold can be measured in Negro sweat.
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Col. Hans LandaMonsieur LaPadite, while I'm very familiar with you and your family, I have no way of knowing if you are familiar with who I am. Are you aware of my existence?
Perrier LaPaditeI've heard the Führer has put you in charge of rounding up the Jews left in France who are either hiding or passing for gentile.
Col. Hans LandaThe Führer couldn't have said it better himself.
Perrier LaPaditeBut the meaning of your visit, pleasant though it is, is mysterious to me. The Germans looked through my house nine months ago for hiding Jews and found nothing.
Col. Hans LandaI'm aware of that. I read the report on this area. But like any enterprise, when under new management, there's always a slight duplication of efforts. Most of it being a complete waste of time, but it needs to be done nevertheless. I just have a few questions, Monsieur LaPadite. If you can assist me with answers, my department can close the file on your family.
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Marcel[in French; subtitled]What are we talking about?
Shosanna Dreyfus[in French]Filling the cinema with Nazis and burning it to the ground.
MarcelI'm not talking about that. You're talking about that.
Shosanna DreyfusNo, no, no, no. *We're* talking about that, right now.
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Joseph Goebbels[to Frederick]It seems I've created a monster. A strangely persuasive monster.
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Col. Hans LandaTell me, Aldo, if I were sitting where you're sitting, would you show me mercy?
Col. Hans LandaI'm a detective. A damn good detective. Finding people is my specialty, so naturally, I worked for the Nazis finding people and yes, some of them were Jews, but Jew Hunter?
Col. Hans LandaAnd, as if to make my point, I'm a little surprised how tall you were in real life. I mean, you're a little fellow, but not "circus-midget" little, as your reputation would suggest.
Lt. Aldo RaineWhere's my men? Where Bridget von Hammersmark?
Col. Hans LandaWell, let's just say she got what she deserved. And when you purchase friends like Bridget von Hammersmark, you get what you pay for. Now, as far as your paesanos, Sergeant Donowitz and Private Omar...
Col. Hans LandaLieutenant Aldo, if you don't think I wouldn't interrogate every single one of your swastika-marked survivors... We simply aren't operating on the level of mutual respect I assumed.
Col. Hans LandaWell, back to the whereabouts of your two Italian saboteurs. As of this moment, both Omar and Donowitz should be sitting in the very seats we left them in, 0023 and 0024, if my memory serves, explosives still around their ankles, ready to explode, and your mission, some would call it a terrorist plot, as of this moment, is still a go.
Lt. Aldo RaineThat's a purdy exciting story. What's next? Eliza on Ice?
Col. Hans LandaHowever, all I have to do is pick up this phone right here, inform the cinema, and your plan's kaput.
Lt. Aldo RaineIf they're still there, and if they're still alive, and that's one big "If", there ain't no way you gonna take them boys without setting off them bombs.
Col. Hans LandaI have no doubt. And yes, some Germans will die, and yes, it will ruin the evening, and yes, Goebbels will be very, very, very mad at you for what you've done to his big night, but you won't get Hitler, you won't get Goebbels, you won't get Göring, and you won't get Bormann and you need all four to end the war. But if I don't pick up this phone right here, you may very well get all four and if you get all four, you end the war. Tonight.
[Landa opens a bottle of Chianti]
Col. Hans LandaSo, gentlemen, let's discuss the prospect of ending the war tonight.
[He pours wine for himself, Aldo, and Utivich]
Col. Hans LandaSo, the way I see it, since Hitler's death or possible rescue rests solely on my reaction, if I do nothing, it's as if I'm causing his death even more than yourselves. Wouldn't you agree?
Col. Hans LandaGentleman, I have no intention of killing Hitler and killing Goebbels and killing Göring and killing Bormann, not to mention winning the war single-handedly for the Allies, only later to find myself standing before a Jewish tribunal. If you want to win the war tonight, we have to make a deal!
Col. Hans LandaThe kind you wouldn't have the authority to make. However, I'm sure this mission of yours has a commanding officer. A general. I'm betting for... OSS would be my guess.
[pause]
Col. Hans LandaOoh! That's a bingo! Is that the way you say it? "That's a bingo"?
Col. Hans LandaBingo! How fun! But I digress. Where were we? Yeah! Make a deal. Over there is a very capable two-way radio and sitting behind it is a more than capable radio operator named Hermann. Get me someone on the other end of that radio with the power of the pen to authorize my, let's call it, the terms of my conditional surrender, if that tastes better going down.
Lt. Aldo RaineMaynardville, Tennessee. I've done my share of bootlegging. Up there, if you engage in what the federal government calls illegal activity, but what we call just a man trying to make a living for his family, selling moonshine liquor, it behooves oneself to keep his wits. Long story short: We hear a story too good to be true, it ain't.
Col. Hans LandaSitting in your chair, I would probably say the same thing, and 999,999 times out of 1,000,000, you would be correct. But in the pages of history, every once in a while, Fate reaches out and extend its hand.
Bridget von HammersmarkThat's the German three. The other looks odd. Germans would and did notice it.
Lt. Aldo RaineOkay, let's pretend there were no Germans and everything went exactly the way it was supposed to. What was the next step?
Bridget von HammersmarkTuxedos. To get them into the premiere wearing military uniforms with all the military there would've been suicide. But going as members of the German film industry, they wear tuxedos and fit in with everybody else. I arranged for the tailor to fit three tuxedos tonight.
Lt. Aldo RaineHow'd you intend to get them in that premiere.
Bridget von HammersmarkHand me my purse. Lieutenant Hicox was going as my escort. The other two were going as a German cameraman and his assistant.
Bridget von HammersmarkYou speak German better than your friends? No. Have I been shot? Yes! I don't see me tripping the light fantastique up a red carpet anytime soon! Least of all, by tomorrow night.
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Francesca Mondino[in French; subtitled]Emanuelle, did you enjoy "Lucky Kids"?
Adolf Hitler[in German; subtitled]I have an order I want relayed to all German soldiers stationed in France. The Jew degenerate known as the Bear Jew henceforth is never to be referred to as the Bear Jew again. Did you get that, Kliest?
KliestJa, mein Führer.
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General Ed FenechIn attendance at this joyous Germatic occasion will be Goebbels, Göring, Bormann, and most of the German High Command including all high ranking officers of both the SS and the Gestapo, as well as luminaries of the Nazi propaganda film industry.
Lt. Archie HicoxWell, sir, such as they are, I write reviews and articles for a publication called 'Films & Filmmakers.' As well as our sister publication.
Lt. Archie Hicox'Flickers Bi-Monthly', and I've had two books published.
General Ed FenechImpressive. Don't be modest, Lieutenant. What are their titles?
Lt. Archie HicoxThe first book was called 'Art of the Eyes, the Heart, and the Mind: A Study of German Cinema in the Twenties.' And the second one was called 'Twenty-Four Frame Da Vinci.' It's a subtextual film criticism study of the work of German director G. W. Pabst.
Lt. Archie Hicox[he hands the General a whiskey]What should we drink to, sir?
Sgt. Donny DonowitzWe punch those goons out, take their machine guns, and burst in there blasting!
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Col. Hans LandaSo when the military history of this night is written, it will be recorded that I was part of Operation Kino from the very beginning as a double agent. Anything I've done in my guise as an SS Colonel was sanctioned by the OSS as a necessary evil to establish my cover with the Germans and it was my placement of Lieutenant Raine's dynamite in Hitler and Goebbels' opera box that assured their demise. By the way, that last part's actually true. I want my full military pension and benefits under my proper rank. I want to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor for my invaluable assistance in the toppling of the Third Reich. In fact, I want all the members of Operation Kino to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor. Full citizenship for myself - Well, that goes without saying. And I would like the United States of America to purchase property for me on Nantucket Island as a reward for all the countless lives I've saved by bringing the tyranny of the National Socialist party to a swifter-than-imagined end. Do you have all that, sir?
[pause]
Col. Hans LandaI look forward to seeing you face to face as well, sir.
Winston Churchill[to Lt. Hicox]You say he wants to take on the Jews, at their own game? Well, compared to, say, Louis B. Mayer... how's he doing?
Lt. Archie HicoxQuite well, actually. Since Goebbels has taken over, film attendance has steadily risen in Germany over the last eight years. But, Louis B. Mayer wouldn't be Goebbels proper opposite number. I believe Goebbels sees himself as closer to David O. Selznick.
[long pause, Churchill takes deep draw on his cigar then exhales slowly]
Winston Churchill[satisfied, to General Fenech]Brief him.
Fredrick ZollerWell, that's just what Joseph Goebbels thought. So he did and called it "Nation's Pride." And they wanted me to play myself - so I did. Joseph thinks this movie will be proven to be his masterpiece. And I will be the German Van Johnson.
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General Ed FenechAn American Secret Service outfit that lives deep behind enemy lines will be your assist. The Germans call them the Basterds.
General Ed FenechWhole point of the Secret Service, old boy, you not hearing of them. But the Jerries have heard of them.
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Lt. Aldo Raine[to Nazi Sgt. Werner Rachtman]Wicki here, an Austrian-Jew, got the fuck out of Munich while the gettin' was good. Became American. Got drafted. Come back to give y'all what fer.
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Lt. Archie HicoxThis Jerry of yours, Stiglitz, not exactly the loquacious type, is he?
Lt. Aldo RaineIs that the kind of man you need? Loquacious type?
Joseph GoebbelsLillian Harvey! Never mention that name again in my presence!
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Shosanna DreyfusIf we can keep this place from burning down by ourselves, we can burn it down by ourselves.
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Bridget von HammersmarkI'm probably going to end up losing this leg. Bye-bye, acting career. Fun while it lasted. How do you expect me to walk the red carpet?
Lt. Aldo RaineDoggy doc's going to dig that slug out your gam. He's gonna wrap it up in a cast and you got a good how-I-broke-my-leg-mountain-climbin' story. That's German, ain't it? You all like climbin' mountains, don't you?
Bridget von HammersmarkI don't. I like smoking, drinking, and ordering in restaurants. But I see your point.
Lt. Aldo RaineWe fill you up with morphine till it's comin' out your ears and just limp your little ass up that rouge carpet.
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Lt. Archie HicoxGoebbels considers the films he's making to be the beginning of a new era in German cinema. An alternative to what he considers the Jewish-German intellectual cinema of the '20s, and the Jewish-controlled dogma of Hollywood.
Fredrick ZollerI love the Riefenstahl mountain films, especially "Piz Palü." It's nice to see a French girl who's an admirer of Riefenstahl.
Shosanna Dreyfus"Admire" would not really be the word I would use to describe my feelings towards Fräulein Riefenstahl.
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Joseph GoebbelsI must say, I appreciate the modesty of this cinema. Your cinema has real respect, almost church like. Not to say we couldn't spruce the place up a bit. Maybe I'll go to the Louvre, pick up a few Greek nudes, and scatter them about the lobby.
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Col. Hans LandaI'm just teasing you, Fräulein. You know me, I tease rough.
