Ace
That's quite a wrap you're wearing! Perhaps I could get you some fluffy new slippers made from the heads of innocent and defenseless baby seals!
Skinny Husband
Who is this ghastly man?
Ace
Ace Ventura, pet detective. And YOU must be the Monopoly guy! Hey.
[whispering]
Ace
Thanks for the free parking.
Pompous woman
Another ACTIVIST, McGuire.
Skinny Husband
Activist, yes.
[snobby laugh]
Pompous woman
Mr. Ventura, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the fruits of nature. You should try it sometime.
Ace
Alrighty then!
[smacks man in the face which knocks him unconscious, drapes him over his shoulders and begins to sing and dance exotically]
[hands back man to pompous woman]
Ace
It's lovely, but I fancy myself an autumn!
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Ace
Just what sort of bat are we talking about?
Fulton Greenwall
The Great White Bat, of course.
Ace
Corpus Kilochiroptera?
Fulton Greenwall
Yes, but to the natives... Shikaka.
[the Wachati chief and his son bow upon hearing the name]
Ace
Shikaka...
[they bow again]
Ace
Shikaka!
[they bow again]
Ace
Shikasha!
[they begin to bow, but stop]
Ace
Ohhh! Shishkebab.
[they almost bow]
Ace
Shawshank Redemption.
[they almost bow]
Ace
ShicaaaaGO!
[the chief bows]
Ace
You're outta there! Go on, I gotcha, you're out.
[the confused chief exits the hut]
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Ace
That's what you slipped in! That's what was on your shoe! And that explains the abrasion on your palm! Let me run that back for you.
[backs up]
Ace
Malp ruoy no noisarba eht snialpxe taht dna eohs ruoy no saw tahw staht ni deppils uoy tahw staht.
[starts moving forward again]
Ace
That's what you slipped in! That's what was on your shoe! AND THAT EXPLAINS THE ABRASION ON YOUR PALM! DAMN I'M GOOD!
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Fulton Greenwall
We can pay you handsomely.
Ace
I am now a child of light. Your earthly money holds no appeal to me.
Fulton Greenwall
Twenty thousand dollars.
Ace
Re-he-he-eally? No. I cannot. For I am sorely needed... here, at the ashram.
Ashram Monk
If I may interject! We're short of space, and it's important for you to use your talents. Let me help you pack.
Ace
But I am yet to attain omnipresent supergalactic oneness.
Ashram Monk
No. Wait. THERE it is!
[smiles]
Ashram Monk
You've just attained it.
Ace
I have?
Ashram Monk
Yes! Just now! You are one! I can see it in your eyes. You're more one than anyone!
Ace
What about my medallion of spiritual accomplishment?
Ashram Monk
Take mine!
Ace
This took you eighty years to achieve!
Ashram Monk
That's okay. I don't like it anymore. Really.
Ace
In the light of this great personal sacrifice you've made, I have no choice... but to take the case.
Ashram Monk
Great! I'll go tell the others!
Ace
Master... break it to them gently.
Ace
[cut to Ace and Greenwall exiting the temple through the celebrating, drinking, and some stripped monks]
I've never seen them like that before. Denial can be an ugly thing.
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Ace
You're an extreme workaholic. You recently returned from a short trip to Gotan in northern Africa, and upon your return you more than likely took a nasty spill because of some... shotty masonry work.
Vincent Cadby
Very impressive... might I ask, how?
Ace
Surely... The abrasion on the palm of your left hand is the type one sustains breaking a fall of 3 to 5 feet; the small remnants of plaster on the tip of your shoe pointed to a careless mason being the culprit: your new watch, a quality forgery of a Cartier was most likely purchased through the north African black market known to reside in Gotan.
[Ace gasps for air]
Vincent Cadby
And my work habits?
Ace
Yes, a workaholic; the urine stain on your pants would signify that you're a single shake man, far too busy for the follow-up jiggle.
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Fulton Greenwall
My name is Fulton Greenwall, and I am looking for an Ace Ventura.
Ashram Monk
No man here carries with him a label.
Fulton Greenwall
Oh yes, no names. How silly of me. Well, um, he's an American.
Ashram Monk
We are all children of the same life force.
Fulton Greenwall
Yes of course we are.
[thinks]
Fulton Greenwall
He bends over and speaks from his rear.
Ashram Monk
Oh him. Right this way...
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Fulton Greenwall
Bumbawe Atuna... Bumbawe Atuna...
Ace
Hi there. Nice to see ya. Bumblebee tuna. Bumblebee tuna!
[quickly turns to face one of the natives]
Ace
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective! How are you this afternoon? Alrighty Then!
[turns to another]
Ace
Excuse me, your balls are showing.
[thumbs-up]
Ace
Bumblebee tuna.
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Ace
I'll have you know that I have the reflexes of a cat and the speed of a mongoose. Throw it. I DARE YOU!
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Ace
[singing]
# Oh you pretty Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, we love you. And our pretty Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang love us, too. Hi, ho. Everywhere we go on Chitty Chitty we depend. Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, our fine four-fendered friend. Our fine four-fendered... Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Chitty Bang Bang yeah! #
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[Ace is chasing the villain with a monster truck]
Ace
Nobody wants to play with me!
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[with Greenwall at top of a huge set of stairs leading to a temple]
Ace
I'll meet you at the bottom. There's still one more thing I must do before I go...
[close-up of slinky going down temple stairs]
Ace
Isn't this incredible? IT'S GONNA BE SOME KIND OF A RECORD! Everyone loves a Slinky, you gotta get a Slinky, Slinky, Slinky, go Slinky go!
[runs down to see Slinky stopped on second last step]
Ace
Awww man! Can you believe it. It was right there!
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[spying, sitting in a mechanical rhino]
Ace
Kinda hot in these rhinos...
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Ace
[Impersonates William Shatner]
There's someone on the wing! Some... THING! I'm sorry, what were you saying?
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Fulton Greenwall
Well done, Ace! You must be very proud!
Ace
Pride is an abomination. One must forego the self to obtain total spiritual creaminess, and avoid the chewy chunks of degradation.
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Ace
Of course. How sssselfish of me. Let's do all the things that YOU wanna do.
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The Wachati Princess
You make me smile. And yet, I am troubled. You see, the man my father wants me to marry... I am worried I will not please him.
[moves in close to Ace]
The Wachati Princess
I have never known a man.
[they slowly touch their tongues together. Ace pulls away]
Ace
I would love to help. But you see, I have vowed to take a life of celibacy.
The Wachati Princess
Well, perhaps this will assist your decision.
[takes off her top, revealing her bare chest]
Ace
Those are very nice! But I am a child of light. A pure spirit. I am no longer encumbered by the appetites of the flesh.
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[last lines]
Fulton Greenwall
I *think* he said, she's not a virgin.
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[Wachootoo Chief exposes his rotten teeth while screaming at Ace]
Ace
You know, gingivitis is the number one cause of all tooth decay.
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[Ace is going at top speed towards the parking lot]
Fulton Greenwall
Perhaps we should slow down just a teensy-weensy bit?
Ace
Nonsense, Poopy-Pants!
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[lifts the skunk's tail]
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Ace
If you were me, then I'd be you, and I'd use *your* body to get to the top. You can't stop me no matter who you are!
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Ace
Guano bowls! Collect the whole set...
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Vincent Cadby
[Ace moans and howls upon entering a room sporting numerous stuffed animal heads]
Something wrong, Mr. Ventura?
Ace
Of course not. This is a lovely room of death.
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Ace
Take that, you winged spawn of Satan!
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Ace
[smiling nervously]
Well, everything here seems good! Big load off my mind, aw God. You can speculate all you want, but unless you check it out for yourself, you never know!
[face quickly turns serious]
Ace
We should head back now.
Fulton Greenwall
Don't you think you should investigate?
Ace
There's no reason to go in there. Ever. I sense it as a holy man.
Fulton Greenwall
But I thought you said...
Ace
It's DARK! I could fall into a precipice!
Ace
Spank you, Helpy Helperton.
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Ace
Greenwall, hit the lights! The switch on the wall beside you! Go for it!... Flick it, QUICK!
[Greenwall does nothing]
Ace
Allrighty, then! Shall we go to jail?
[clicks teeth at Cadby]
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Ashram Monk
What answer do you seek?
Ace
I need to know what the Wachatis possess that is of great value to civilized man.
Ashram Monk
The medallion will lead you to the answer. You do still have the medallion, don't you?
Ace
Medallion? Why surely! I left it back, er, with my body.
Ashram Monk
Your aura is weakening...
Ace
OKAY! I threw it in the cave! What do you want from me? What are you, Mr. Perfect? You wanna know where it is? It's probably lying in a big pile of
[coming to a realization, his spirit is transported back to his body]
Ace
Guano! They have Guano!
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Fulton Greenwall
They did not know about disease until the white man came.
[Ace sneezes]
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Ace
Leh-hew-zee-hur.
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Airplane Stewardess
Peanut?
[sounds like penis]
Ace
Yes, I have one right here. It's bulky, but I consider it carry-on.
Airplane Stewardess
Peanut.
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Ace
Cadby, from the consulate, right? This is weird!
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Ace
Fe Fi Fo Fum! I smell... the fingerprints of scum!
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Ace
Your request is not unlike your lower intestine: stinky and loaded with danger.
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Fulton Greenwall
Ace, the Wachutus are a blood-thirsty, savage tribe. If they catch you, they will show no mercy!
Ace
Worry not, my brother. For I will be as a fly on the wall - a grain of salt in the ocean. I will move amongst them like a transparent... *thing*.
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Ace
Mmm, this fruit paste is delicious. And the pottery is lovely.
Ouda
It's made from guano.
Ace
Guano! Why's that sounding so familiar?
[Ace starts licking the remains of the fruit paste from the bottom of the bowl]
Fulton Greenwall
Bat droppings.
[Ace drops the bowl, spitting the remains of the paste and wiping off his tongue]
Fulton Greenwall
Guano is their main raw material, they're using it to made a lot of things in the village.
Ace
Yummie!
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Ace
It is the mucus that binds us.
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Ace
[the Wachati Princess is dancing mere inches from Ace]
They are a temple of the reproductive organs.
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Ace
That's alright, I have an incredibly high threshold for pain
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[repeated line]
Ace
Loo-oo-ser!
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[repeated line]
Ace
All righty then.
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Ace
Do I have something in my teeth?
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Ace
Hi-ho Silver, AWAAAAAAAAAAY!
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Wachootoo Chief
Equinsi Ocha! Equinsu Ocha!
Ouda
He said..
Ace
Let me guess... . white devil white devil?
Ouda
Yes! You speak Wachootoo?
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Fulton Greenwall
Well, I believe he's saying she's not a virgin.
Ace
They can tell that?
[is running away from the Wachati and Wachootoo tribes]
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Ace
I was just... practicing my mantra.
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Ace
Friends, rodents, quadrupeds, lend me your rears!
[yodels]
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[first lines]
Helicopter Pilot
Negative. No sign. Wait a second, I think I got him.
Ace
You know you could poke somebody's eyes out with that thing.
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Ace
Nobody wants to play with me.
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Ace
Whatever I have to to get some answers.
[Ace slowly lowers the knife and, picking up a fork, begins scraping the two utensils against a plate]
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Ouda
[the entire tribe is laughing at Ace, after he's gotten a spear stuck in his leg]
Chief says you make him laugh! You are like sissy girl!
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[repeated line]
Ace
Gravy.
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Ace
Say uncle! Say uncle!
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Ace
Pet detective coming through. Clear a path, people!
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Ace
Three darts is toooo much!
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Ace
Can you feel that, HUH? Can ya feel it Captain Compost?
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Mom Tourist
Ooh, look! The mother rhino is giving birth!
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Ace
War is hell. The last thing we want... is a fight.
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Ace
[fleeing a cave full of bats]
They're in my hair. They're in my HAIR! God in heaven, HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Fulton Greenwall
Ace. There is nothing in your hair.
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Ace
Meeting secretly with sinister types much? A not too much - a much too much!
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Ace
I'm fighting something.
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Fulton Greenwall
Brilliant, Mr Ventura! Simply brilliant.
Ace
Spank you Greenwall. Spank you very much.
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Ace
Arrest him. ARREST HIM!
[Security officer ignores Ace]
Ace
Please arrest him......? Simon says arrest him!
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Ouda
Chief say if curse of Shikaka not lifted by tomorrow's sun at top of sky - Wachootoo kill all Wachati, and smash your head on a rock.
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