JeffWhen God made the arse, he didn't say, 'Hey, it's just your basic hinge, let's knock off early.' He said, 'Behold ye angels, I have created the arse. Throughout the ages to come, men and women shall grab hold of these, and shout my name!
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JaneI'm being stalked, actually, so I'm pretty secure in my attractiveness.
SteveYou bring these things into our homes. They sit on our chairs. They watch our televisions. Now, I just need to know, on behalf of all men everywhere, I just need to ask, please... What are they for? I mean, look at them! Look at the chubby little bastards! Just sitting around everywhere! What are they, pets for chairs?
SteveAh! Ha ha ha! You see, that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Okay, watch this. Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now watch me. I'm stting down. And what do I do on my final approach? I - oh! - move the cushion! You see? It's not involved! It's not part of the whole sitting process. It just lies there. It's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite!
SteveOh, padding! Now, that's interesting, Jane. See, I like padding. If I was, say, an American Football player, and all those big bastards running at me, I would say "give me some of that padding and be quick about it." If my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks I would say "in view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much." But Susan, Sally, Jane, this is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way as to shield the unprotected user from the risk of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and, of course...
[drops behind sofa, then sticks head out]
SteveDaleks. Trust me girls, trust me on this one: you do not need padding to tackle upholstery. So please - once and for all, tell me why on Earth you would want me to sit on one of these?
SusanBecause, if you pressed it firmly against your bottom, it might stop you talking!
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Sally[trying to explain to Patrick what platonic friendship with a woman is] What do you call people you go out with but don't try to sleep with?
Patrick[beat] Men.
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JeffThere's a supermodel who shags total prats and I don't know where she lives...
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SusanSome men were born lucky. Some men were born very lucky.
SallyThey follow us around our entire lives, right behind us and constantly growing. How do they do that? I'm sure mine's back there secretly snacking.
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Steve[about what Jeff said to Audrey Watkins at his flat warming party] The worst chat-up line in the history of sex "You're so beautiful you should be embalmed".
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PatrickSometimes a man must choose between the right way and the wrong way... and misses by one.
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JaneDo they really call me the one with the breasts?
PatrickNow, don't be like that. There has to be a second place.
SusanWell, I wasn't aware you were judging them individually!
PatrickYou were asleep! I was bored!
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JeffI love the word naked, it's brilliant isn't it, 'naked'. When I was a kid I used to write the word naked on a bit of paper hundreds of times and rub my face in it.
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JeffMaybe women are completely different when we're not with them. Maybe they're not cross all the time.
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Sally[finds an engagement ring in a box labeled "Sally don't look in this box."] This is an engagement ring.
PatrickYes it is.
SallyAn engagement ring! Do you have a girlfriend?
PatrickYes, Sally.
[pause]
PatrickYou.
SallyMe?
PatrickYes, you.
SallyWho are you proposing to then?
PatrickWho do you think?
SallyI... I...
PatrickI was waiting - I was waiting, as it happens, for the right romantic moment.
Sally[Looks around at the mess she made] Fuck.
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PatrickIt was just so embarrassing. I didn't know what to do.
JeffYou're in bed with a woman. Everything's going fine. That's when the melty man strikes.
SteveSuddenly you find yourself thinking, "Maybe she's really bored".
JeffMaybe you're licking her neck too much. Are you over-wetting her neck?
SteveAre you spending an equal amount of time on each breast? I mean, what if one breast gets ahead?
JeffShould you be switching between them really quickly or should you squish 'em both together and do them at once
[demonstrates]
Patrick[frowns]
SteveOr should you skip one breast completely just to save time?
JeffShe's wriggling about. Is that a good sign or is she just trying to dry her neck?
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SallyA woman with clothes on has negotiating power.
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SusanWell, you know what it's like at the start, when they're all fiery-eyed, and eager, and they haven't seen you naked yet. And it's like he's smashing at your door with his mighty battering ram. And he's promising to ravish you forever. So you brace yourself for man overload, and throw open the doors, and what do you find standing there? An oversized toddler who wants his dinner. And before you can say, "There's been a terrible mistake," he's snoring on your sofa, the fridge is full of empty bottles and the whole place smells of feet.
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Howard[trying to explain to Jane that he's gay] Jane!
[shouts]
HowardI am gay! And I've always, always been gay! I was the sperm at the back shouting "No! Don't send me into that big scary cave!" I was the only sperm who had to be chased by the egg. Don't you get it? I'm gay.
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SteveThis is not, I repeat, *not* an American sitcom!
Steve[to Patrick] Your DNA must cry itself to sleep at night.
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JaneI really quite like being single. Except for the bit about not having a man.
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Sally[singing] I'm Susan the happy trotting elf! I trot and trot and bounce and bounce and smile a lot and that's what counts! I'm Susan the happy trotting smile a lotting elf! I'm polite so just for clarity, when I'm cross I say "Apparently!"
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[Talking to Jane and Susan]
SallyAt least you've been in there with Patrick. I've passed on my opportunity to be "Patricked."
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[Angus, staring at Mariella, opens a can of soda, which sprays all over Mariella]
Angus DeaytonSorry about that.
Mariella FrostrupOh, don't worry about it. It happens to a lot of guys.
[beat]
Mariella FrostrupDid I really just say that?
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SallyPatrick, when I said I wanted to have a baby with you, I just meant... socially.
PatrickSocially?
SallyTo tea.
PatrickBabies can't come round to tea, Sally.
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JaneFriendship's more lasting than love, and more legal than stalking.
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JaneHe works in pizza delivery, which just answers all your prayers, doesn't it? Man, motorbike, has own food!
SusanWords never before uttered at a pregnancy convention.
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TamsinSo are you seeing anyone?
Oliver MorrisWell, no. I guess it's a bit too soon for all that. For both of us really, isn't it?
[pause]
Oliver Morris*Isn't it?*
TamsinIt's been a year...
Oliver MorrisWell, no we only spli...
Tamsin...since we had sex...
Oliver MorrisWell actually it's been just under a...
Tamsin...both of us successfully.
Oliver MorrisOkay.
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[Oliver gets out of the elevator, and decides to check himself out in the mirror. The sweater he is wearing to cover his nipples says "Bring Back Doctor Who."]
Oliver MorrisShit!
[Oliver takes the sweater off and throws it in the elevator. He touches his chest, and realises he's half naked. He tries to open the lift doors without success. Behind him, the door opens. He looks around, covering his nipples]
Susan[has found the perfect man and is now trying to escape through the window of the Club's toilets] Remember that film where the couple found true love and then he was eaten by a bear? I'm not going to make that mistake.
