She's Out of My League Movie Quotes
Kirk
Stainer, I know you don't like her very much.
Stainer
Nooo, no. I hate her. In fact, the day you broke up with her I marked that down on my calendar as a day of rejoicement. I'm going to celebrate it with a cake with her face on it, but instead of eating it, we smash it.
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Kirk
Devon, why would you tell her that I broke up with Molly?
Devon
Cause I thought you had.
Kirk
No. We're just in a sticky wicket.
Stainer
A "sticky wicket"?
Kirk
Yeah. A rough patch. Rough pumpkins.
Stainer
And how many times have you called her?
Kirk
Five.
Stainer
And how many times have you really called her?
Kirk
Seventeen.
Stainer
It's done. Tao of Love.
Kirk
What?
Stainer
That's what I call it. The Tao of Love. You being with Molly defies, like, forces of nature. It's over man.
Kirk
No. It's not over. Frankly, I'm sick of all you guys pretending like you know where I'm coming from. None of you know what I'm going through right now.
Stainer
Tina Jordan does.
Kirk
Who the hell is Tina Jordan?
Stainer
She was my Molly.
Kirk
You never mentioned her.
Stainer
I didn't want to jinx it. But she was perfect. Yeah, perfect. Freckled shoulders. Anyway, two months into it, bam, she dumps me. I shoulda seen it coming too, cause she was a ten. Like a hard ten. I was a six, possibly a seven. Either way, I couldn't cover the spread. The universe spoke and I was depressed for months.
Kirk
That's what that was? You said you had mono.
Stainer
Yeah. Mono of the heart.
Jack
OK, my God, how's your vagina?
Stainer
Shut up, Jack!
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Mr. Fuller
Thanks for coming in Kirkner.
Kirk
Sorry I'm late Fuller.
Mr. Fuller
You better have a damn good excuse.
Kirk
Nope.
Mr. Fuller
Take a second? Make something up?
Kirk
Nope
Mr. Fuller
Interesting.
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Jack
Dude, forget Stainer. All right? I think you could get her back.
Stainer
OK, then why don't you look Kirk in the eyes and tell him that you believe he's gonna end up with Molly. Just tell him that.
Jack
Fine. Kirky, I truly believe that... I mean, I think anything is possible.
Kirk
"Anything is possible"?
Devon
Come on! Like there's a million examples of guys like Kirky ending up with a beautiful woman.
Stainer
Such as?
Devon
Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts.
Jack
Right. Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear. Then he went on to Denise Richards.
Stainer
All recording artists. Normal rules don't apply to those guys. Kirk, as soon as you record an album and it goes platinum, you can push your meat into any human being you want.
Jack
OK, OK, OK. King Kong and Naomi Watts.
Stainer
They never consummated. Totally platonic relationship.
Jack
Stephen Hawking and his lady nurse.
Stainer
He's the master of space and time. He knows about black holes and shit.
Devon
What about the President of France and that girl that went out with Mick Jagger.
Stainer
He knows about wine. And he has a french accent. He could probably French kiss like a motherfucker.
Devon
Wait a second... The Beast.
Stainer
Who?
Devon
The Beast from Beauty and the Beast. Beast won Beauty's love and he wasn't rich or a recording artist. Though, he did have an amazing voice.
Stainer
OK, Devon, that's a cartoon. But yes, that's one. One out of a million.
Devon
You know what, Stainer? All it takes is one. Man, you... You guys sit here and talk about relationships but the truth is, I'm the only one here that's married. Yeah, and I'm tired of you guys busting my nuggets cause I've only been with one girl. It's cause she was the right girl! That's why I married her! So, Kirky, let me tell you something, if Molly is the right girl, that's all that matters. You just, you stand up. You stand up. You get in front of her. You get right in her grill and you say, "Hey, I am Kirk Kettner, and I am right here, standing in front of you... right here. Here I am." Something like that.
Stainer
Power of love.
Jack
Very... perfect.
Kirk
Beautiful.
Devon
Thank you. I was in debate, junior/senior year. I don't know if you guys remember that.
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Patty
Go shit in your hand.
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Molly
You think I'm too perfect? So you were hoping there was something wrong with me so you could be with me?
Kirk
Look at the evidence, Molly. I'm unattractive, I'm out of shape, I'm uncoordinated, I've never been to Europe, I'm not a college graduate, I drive a Neon.
Molly
I like your Neon.
Kirk
Oh come on, Molly, look at me. I'm a 5. This is a 5. Hard 5. You can't jump more than two points. It's the Tao of Love. Everybody knows that. Even if you were a 9 and I was in a band. But no, you're a hard 10.
Molly
What are you talking about?
Kirk
Do you even know how hot you are? No, you probably think that everybody gets free shit everywhere they go and everybody's happy and nice to each other in shiny happy hot town with you and all your hot friends and ex boyfriends, but I hate to break it to you, it's not the same for the rest of us.
Molly
Okay, Kirk. You clearly have some major self-esteem issues.
Kirk
You lied about me to your parents right in front of me!
Molly
No I didn't!
Kirk
"Kirk's in aviation?" That's like saying the guy who shovels elephant shit at the circus is in show business. No, he's just the elephant shit guy. That's me. I'm that guy.
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Patty
You look just like someone I went to high school with.
Stainer
Oh yeah? What high school? Maybe it was me.
Patty
No, he's in a coma.
Stainer
Huh. Who brought the good news bear? Somebody give her some fucking honey.
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Kirk
Patty's not a bitch, she's uh... different.
Stainer
Yeah, different in that she's a bitch and other people aren't.
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Molly
You know what, Kirk? Maybe you're right. Maybe you are a 5. You know why? No self-esteem, deduct a point. Every time someone walks into a room, you compare yourself to them. Deduct a point. You're a smart and talented guy who's afraid to do anything with it. Deduct a point. Um, how are we doing? Oh, oh yeah! Hoping that I have a defect that you can work with? Deduct whatever's left.
Kirk
I'm out of here. Webbed fucking feet, are you kidding me?
Molly
KIRK!
Kirk
Hey, do me a favor. Tell "foot long" I say hi.
Molly
He's my EX boyfriend, Kirk. EX. And do you even know why we broke up?
Kirk
Why, because you guys couldn't decide which one of you was hotter?
Molly
No, because he behaved EXACTLY like you're behaving right now. He couldn't handle it. He thought I was perfect. He had me on a pedestal that I couldn't possibly live up to! Oh, and one other little thing? He cheated on me! And so after that I said to myself I am not going to date guys like that anymore.
Kirk
Guys like that? So, what? You're just, you're going to date guys like me?
Molly
Is that what you want to hear? That I asked you out because I thought you were safe?
Kirk
Yeah, please, keep going.
Molly
That I thought that a guy who looks like you wouldn't hurt me? Is that what you want to hear, Kirk? Are you happy now?
Kirk
Yeah, I'm ecstatic.
[walks out]
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Stainer
Fuller, you have a choice. You can step aside. Or you can fight me. If that is how you want to go, I warn you, I will go dark side. Okay? I will rip out your hair. I will bite your chin off. And I will stab you in the eyes with confiscated scissors. Because I'm an insane mother fucker. You know that from the break room. What's it going to be?
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Stainer
But he drives a shit box so you have to deduct a point.
Kirk
What is wrong with my neon?
Stainer
Oh I don't know except the people who make that car don't even like it.
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Stainer
Okay, anyway... I love Kirky, but let's face it, the guy's a five.
Devon
Stainer, that's just a dirty pool. He's at least a six.
Stainer
A six? Alright you go ahead and pump rainbows into his asshole. I'm just being honest.
Jack
Come on, cut him some slack. Look. Half a point cause he's a nice guy. Right? And he's funny, so that's half a point each. That brings him to six. Devon's right.
Stainer
But he drives a shitbox, deduct a point. Take a point off.
Kirk
Wait, what's wrong with my Neon?
Stainer
Oh, I don't know, except the people who make that car don't even like it. So, we're back to a five.
Jack
Five.
Stainer
Meanwhile, this Molly, is a hard ten. And that five point disparity, that's a chasm. Chasm? Chasm. You can't jump more than two points.
Kirk
Where do you get this shit?
Stainer
Trust me, Kirk. I can't even get a ten.
Stainer
I'm a six! OK?
Jack
Bullshit, you're a six. Then what am I?
Stainer
You're an eight.
Jack
OK, you're a six then.
Stainer
But I get a one point bump cause I'm in a band.
Kirk
Stainer, you're in a Hall and Oats cover band. I'm pretty sure that's a deduction.
Stainer
Adult Education is a tribute band. So that puts me back at seven. On a good day, the best I can bag is a nine.
Kirk
What about your crappy car?
Stainer
Artist's exemption. I'm expected to have a shitty car.
Jack
Is there an artist exemption for talking out your ass?
Stainer
Yeah, it's called being a rock star, Jack! Look it up in the dictionary. It's right next to "fuck you!"
Devon
I think this system's ridiculous. All right? If someone really loves you, then you are a ten.
Jack
My God. What are you... Are you Hannah Montanna? Because nothing you are saying right now is of any help to Kirk.
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Ron
Come on in for a dip girl.
Molly
Oh no, I don't even have a bathing suit.
Dylan
You can wear your underwear. It's just like a bikini it covers all the good shit.
Ron
Yeah underwear is fine.
Marnie
RON!
Ron
It's like what they did in the old days.
Molly
Underwear would be fine if I were wearing any.
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Kirk
How is this not gay?
Devon
I think there is nothing gay about it. The fact you are letting a straight married man shave your testicles. I think that makes you one of my most macho guys alive.
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Stainer
Kirk that Molly girl is insanely hot.
Kirk
Yeah I know.
Stainer
So you know whats happening? She is setting you up with the bitchy friend. Which will be perfect for you because you like bitches.
Kirk
That's fine Patty is not a bitch. She's... uh... just different.
Stainer
Yeah different in that she is a bitch and other people aren't.
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"Plane Doctor"
Excuse me. You're not supposed to be on your phone. It's bad for the plane.
Patty
Oh, excuse me? Are you a plane doctor? No? So shut the fuck up!
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Kirk
This is when you say Hi Molly.
Dylan
Who are you?
Kirk
She is Molly.
Ron
Why is she here?
Kirk
She came with me.
Dylan
Did you hit her car or something?
Kirk
Jesus... No but thank you for asking.
Dylan
Are you a social worker?
Molly
Nope
Dylan
Aw shit are we being evicted?
Dylan
Are you a hooker?
Debbie
Dylan!
Dylan
Or a prostitute I mean?
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Molly
OK so, you're gonna tell me exactly what's going on?
Stainer
In ten minutes Kirk is leaving on a plane for Branson with a horrible, horrible girl.
Molly
Marnie?
Stainer
Yes! Let's go.
Molly
If Kirk's getting back together with Marnie I'm not going!
Stainer
In fourth grade I peed my pants. On several occasions. Everybody started calling me Stainer. Do you know how I made it through those dark days?
Molly
Plastic underwear?
Stainer
In part. But also Kirk. You see he told me to own that name. call myself Stainer so that nobody could hurt me with it.
Molly
What's your point?
Stainer
Kirk is the best guy that I know. But he's like... he's like a spider. You know, he's more afraid of you than you are of him. And he also has long legs and... Look, if you want him, you gotta go get him.
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Stainer
[referring to the preceding conversation between Marnie and Kirk]
So she's taking HER new boyfriend to Branson with YOUR parents.
Kirk
[nodding]
Stainer
I don't know whether to laugh... or cry.
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Kirk
I've seen what is out there and I don't think it gets any better.
Jack
When have you been out there? When have you left the apartment?
Kirk
I went out on 4 different dates. With 3 girls and that guy... I... I don't know what his intentions were but it is fine. We had a great conversation. He was just looking for a friend.
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Stainer
Okay now I know you've gone crazy. You are telling me the hottest chick I've ever met in my life wants you, and the hamburglar wasn't into me? Listen to yourself... FUCK YOU.
Devon
It is a pretty impressive catch Kirkey.
Stainer
Yeah the day that happens is the day Jack sleeps with your wife.
Stainer
What? Did that already happen?
Devon
We weren't technically dating yet.
Stainer
My bad.
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Stainer
A 6? Alright you go ahead and pump rainbows into his asshole. I'm just being honest.
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Kirk
Hello?
Patty
Who's this?
Kirk
I don't know, maybe the guy with the new iPhone. Who's this?
Patty
Ah, I don't know, maybe your worst fucking nightmare...
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Stainer
I love Kirkey but let's face it, the guy's a 5. Meanwhile, this Molly is a hard 10.
Devon
He's at least a 6...
Stainer
6? Alright, you go ahead and pop rainbows into his asshole, but I'm just being honest.
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Stainer
Hey, Kirk, um, my shift doesn't start for another half-hour, but, I was so excited, so uh, I came early.
Jack
Yeah, and it was weird, he said he was really excited, and so he came early.
Stainer
Yeah. Has that ever happened to you? You're so excited about something that, you come early, you know?
Kirk
Jesus Christ Devon, you're Fort Knox over here. Thank you very much.
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Kirk
She is coming to lunch with my parents on Sunday.
Stainer
That takes care of that, 20 minutes with your family and she will file a restraining order. We're safe.
Devon
Hey did she say anything about Wendy? You know... like about me?
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Dylan
Fuck it! This floor is slippery. These shoes are fucked for this.
Mr. Kettner
Dylan sportsmanship!
Dylan
Fuck You!
Mrs. Kettner
Timeout.
Dylan
You guys take a timeout for being assholes.
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Patty
How the fuck did you get my number?
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Jack
Is there an artist exemption for talking out your ass?
Stainer
Yeah it's called being a rock star Jack! Look it up in the dictionary next to fuck you.
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Devon
Hey did she say anything about Wendy thinking I'm hot?
Kirk
No.
Devon
Shoot, I wonder if she is on Facebook?
Kirk
Devin you're on Facebook?
Devon
Yeah... I got like 37 friends.
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Kirk
Marnie, I know that we agreed to take some time off and I think that was a great idea. My God. Gave us both a chance to experiment, if you will, and meet all sorts of new and interesting, different people. You did quite a bit more experimenting than I did. A lot more experimenting. You are like a scientist. Beakers... But obviously I'm cool with that, cause the thing is, I think, we're stronger as a result. But here's the thing, Marnie... it's been two years. That's a lot of time off. And I'm ready for some time on. I miss you. I miss us. I got something for you.
[pulls out earring box]
Kirk
What do you think?
Stainer
Aww, man, it's depressing. I mean, it's really depressing. It's horrible to watch you like this.
Devon
I think it's really pretty. How's it work?
[opens box]
Devon
Oh...
Jack
What the hell is that?
Kirk
I got it for Valentine's Day, right before she broke up with me. Stainer, I know you don't like her very much.
Stainer
No, no, I hate her. In fact, the day that you broke up with her, I marked that down in my calendar as a day of rejoicement. I'm gonna celebrate it with a cake with her face on it, but instead of eating it, I'm gonna smash it. OK? You can do a lot better. You deserve a lot better, Kirky.
Kirk
I thank you. But, I've seen what's out there and I don't think it gets any better.
Jack
When have you been out there? When have you left the apartment?
Kirk
I went out on four different dates, with three girls and that guy. I don't know what his intentions were, but it's fine. We had a great conversation. I think he was just looking for a friend.
Jack
Do you know what your problem is, Kirk?
Kirk
What?
Jack
You're a moodle.
Kirk
A moodle?
Jack
A man poodle. Girls, they wanna take you out on a walk. They wanna feed you, they wanna cuddle you, but make no mistake, no girl wants to do the moodle.
Stainer
No one would ever fuck a moodle.
Jack
No, he's right. I'm telling you, if you wanna get Marney back, she has got to believe that from the second she broke up with you, your life has been a non-stop snatch parade.
Devon
Or... you could just be who you are. Why can't that be good enough?
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Museum Director
Can I see your invitation?
Kirk
Can I see your invitation?
Devon
Probably not the best thing to say to the Museum Director.
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Stainer
I love Kirkey but let's face it, the guy's a 5. Meanwhile, this Molly is a hard 10.
Devon
Stainer, that's just dirty pool. He's at least a 6...
Stainer
6? Alright, you go ahead and pop rainbows into his asshole, but I'm just being honest.
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Molly
Underwear would be fine... if I were wearing any.
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Kirk
What is he? A dog or a fucking horse?
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Kirk
I come in peace.
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Devon
What's she doing with numb-nuts here?
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Ron
It's gonna be a long flight pirate.
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Tina Jordan
[to Stainer] You were plenty good enough for me. You were never good enough for yourself.
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Kirk
[referring to Ron] Are you kidding me, Marnie? That guy?
Marnie
That guy is an entrepreneur.
Kirk
Well, Ron owns a Pizza Hut.
Marnie
That's a business.
Kirk
It's not even a real Pizza Hut! It's a Pizza Hut Express!
Marnie
Working airport security with your dipshit friends isn't getting you closer to being a pilot.
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Molly
What is your problem with Kirk?
Patty
Okay, I don't have a problem with Kirk. I have a problem with you *dating* Kirk.
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Kirk
[told that he's car's a 'shit-box'] What's wrong with my Neon?
Stainer
Oh, I don't know. Except that the people who *make* that car don't even like it.
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Devon
[grasping for a reason why Molly would be with Kirk] Did you hit her car or something?
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