Nicholas AngelWell, there was the bit that you missed where I distracted him with the cuddly monkey then I said "play time's over" and I hit him in the head with the peace lily.
Danny ButtermanWhat made you want to become a policeman-officer?
Nicholas AngelI don't remember a time when I didn't want to be a police officer... apart from the summer of 1979 when I wanted to be Kermit the Frog. It all started with my Uncle Derek. He was a Sergeant in the Met. He bought me a police pedal car when I was five. I rode around in it every second I was awake - arresting kids twice my size for littering and spitting. I got beaten up a lot when I was young, but it didn't stop me. I wanted to be like Uncle Derek.
Nicholas AngelProbably bought the pedal car with the proceeds. Needless to say, I never went near it again. I just let it rust. But I never lost the profound sense of right and wrong I felt at the wheel of that pedal car. I had to prove to myself that the Law could be proper and righteous and for the good of humankind. It was from that moment that I was destined to be a police officer.
Nicholas Angel[cut to Nicholas with Mr. Staker]Yes, Mr. Staker. Um, we'll do everything we can. Can you describe it to me?
P.I StakerWell, it's white, it has a long neck... uhh... it's a swan.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[first lines]
NarratorPolice Constable Nicholas Angel: born and schooled in London, graduated Canterbury University in 1993 with a double first in Politics and Sociology. Attended Hendon College of Police Training. Displayed great aptitude in field exercises, notably Urban Pacification and Riot Control. Academically excelled in theoretical course work and final year examinations. Received a Baton of Honour, graduated with distinction into the Metropolitan Police Service and quickly established an effectiveness and popularity within the community. Proceeded to improve skill base with courses in advanced driving... and advanced cycling. He became heavily involved in a number of extra-vocational activities and to this day, he holds the Met record for the hundred metre dash. In 2001, he began active duty with the renowned SO19 Armed Response Unit and received a Bravery Award for efforts in the resolution of Operation Crackdown. In the last twelve months, he has received nine special commendations, achieved highest arrest record for any officer in the Met and sustained three injuries in the line of duty, most recently in December when wounded by a man dressed as Father Christmas.
Simon SkinnerA slasher... of prices! I'm Simon Skinner - I run the local supermarché. Drop in and see me sometime - my discounts are *criminal*. Catch me later!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[looking at a suspicious-looking passerby]
Nicholas AngelAll right, what about this guy? Ask yourself, why has he got his hat pulled down like that?
Nicholas AngelWell, I wouldn't argue that it wasn't a no-holds-barred, adrenaline-fueled thrill ride. But there is no way you can perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork.
Danny ButtermanThat is nothing man, this is about to go off!
Nicholas AngelThere were no skid marks at the scene! Doesn't it seem a little strange that Martin Blower would lose control of his car and not think to apply the brakes?
DS Andy WainwrightWe're just hoping to talk to the last people to see Mr Merchant alive. Namely a Sergeant Knickerless Ass-wipe and Cuntstable Fanny Batterbum.
Leslie Tiller[speaking rapidly]Well, George Merchant - God rest him - wanted to buy this land. So he sent round his legal fella Martin Blower - God rest him. I thought I might take them up on it. I haven't really got that much family round here, save my cousin Sissy. So I thought I might take them up on the offer and move to Buford Abbey. Would you like a card with this?
Nicholas Angel[In shock at what he's hearing]Wha... no... sorry, you were talking about the offer.
Leslie Tiller[continuing rapidly]Well, it turns out that Martin Blower - God rest him - knew where the new Bypass Road is going 'cause he was knocking off Eve Draper from the council - God rest her. And then that reporter - God rest him - finds out about the route and tells me this land is very valuable. Ten times what George Merchant and Martin Blower - God rest them - offered me. So with them having passed on, I decided to sell it all myself to some folks from the city that Martin, George, and Eve - God rest the lot of them - have been talking to. Apparently, they want to build a big shopping center or something. Of course, Cousin Sissy won't be too happy about that but, as far as I'm concerned, Cousin Sissy can go and fu...
Nicholas Angel[cutting her off]Would you just excuse me for just one second?
[He rushes out to his squad car]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[indicating the CCTV footage that will act as his alibi]
Inspector Frank ButtermanI used to believe in the immutable word of the Law. That is until the night Mrs. Butterman was taken from me. You see no-one loved Sandford more than her - she was head of the Women's Institute, chair of the floral committee. When they started the Village of the Year contest, she worked around the clock. I've never seen such dedication. On the eve of the adjudicator's arrival, some travellers moved into Callaghan Park. Before you could say 'gypsy scum' we were knee-deep in dog muck, thieving kids and crusty jugglers. We lost the title. And Irene lost her mind. She drove her Datsun Cherry into Sandford Gorge. From that moment on, I swore that I would do her proud.
[Skinner is explaining why the NWA had Martin Blower murdered]
Simon SkinnerYou see, much as I enjoyed your wild theories Sergeant, the truth is far less complex. Blower's fate was simply the result of his being... an appalling actor.
PC Doris ThatcherI could have given you the tour! I've been around the station a few times!
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Nicholas AngelPolice work is as much about preventing crime as it is about fighting crime. Most importantly, it is about procedural correctness in the execution of unquestionable moral authority.
SergeantIt can get awfully hairy out there. I'm surprised you weren't snapped up sooner for a nice desk job. That's what I did.
Nicholas AngelI prefer to think my office is out on the street.
SergeantIndeed you do! Your arrest record is four hundred percent higher than any other officer, which is why it's high time that such... skills... were put to better use. We're making you sergeant.
Nicholas AngelWe just sat through three hours of so-called acting, constable, and their kiss was the only convincing moment of it.
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Nicholas Angel[about his notebook]This is the most important piece of equipment you will ever own. This notebook has saved my skin more times than I care to remember. Do you use yours?
Nicholas AngelYes, sir. Why is everyone eating chocolate cake?
Inspector Frank ButtermanThe Black Forest gateau is on Danny, as punishment for his little indiscretion.
Nicholas AngelHis...? Sir, I don't think driving under the influence can be called a "little indiscretion."
Inspector Frank ButtermanNo, the gateau is for misplacing his helmet the other week. Last night's incident will require something a rather more serious. Do you like ice cream?
Nicholas Angel[talking to schoolchildren]Wanna do something useful?
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
[Nicholas begins his assault on Stanford until Reverend Shooter appears holding his hands up]
Reverend Philip ShooterStop! Stop this, please! Let us stop this mindless violence! Nicholas my son, you may not be a man of God, but surely you are a man of peace.
Nicholas AngelI may not be a man of god, Reverend, but I know right, and I know wrong, and I have the good grace to know which is which.
Reverend Philip Shooter[beat]Oh, fuck off, grasshopper!
[produces two derringers from his robe sleeves and shoots Nicholas]
🧡
👏
🥺
🤔
🥱
Dr. Robin Hatcher[showing CCTV footage of the estate explosion]Interesting - we only seem to get a glimpse of the outer-most edge of the explosion. But we did happen to catch a glimpse of Sandford's most wanted!
