Kinoafisha TV Shows Two and a Half Men Quotes Q&A

Two and a Half Men quotes

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Berta [whenever she sees a big mess being made] I ain't cleaning that up!

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Alan Harper Okay, name three things you would change about me.

Charlie Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.

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Evelyn Harper Alan darling, you were always the good son. Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.

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Russell What? Are you a cop?

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Charlie [repeated line, whenever he's put in a sticky situation] Whoa...

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Mia [whenever Charlie says something outrageous] Are you out of your freaking mind?

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Charlie That ship has sailed.

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Charlie [repeated line, when he senses trouble] Oh, boy...

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Judith Harper JAAAKE! YOUR FATHER IS HERE!

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Alan Harper [they are just about to sleep] You want to watch porn first?

Charlie No!

Alan Harper Why not?

Charlie I'm drunk, in bed, in a hotel room with my brother and you want to know why I don't wanna watch porn?

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Alan Harper Who is Alan Harper?

Charlie That's easy. Alan Harper is an idiot.

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Rose [this is Charlie's last appearance in the entire series] I think that's everything.

Charlie What'd you tell your husband?

Rose I didn't have to tell him anything. He's in New York for a big fashion show.

Charlie Perfect. So what kind of clothes does he design anyway?

Rose Men's sports wear mostly.

Charlie Anything I might like?

Rose No, it's more the kind of stuff Alan would wear.

Charlie Oh. So, tacky.

Rose I think I left my raincoat in the bedroom.

Charlie I'll get it.

Rose Oh, thanks.

[realizes he might find out about the mannequinn]

Rose Uh-oh.

Charlie [opens the closet and sees the mannequinn in front of him] Whoa! I guess the guy brings his work home with him.

[takes a closer look at the clothes]

Charlie Yep. Tacky.

[grabs Rose's raincoat]

Charlie I got it!

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Alan Harper [Alan is moving out, and Charlie has labeled a box "Porn And Blow-Up Doll"] You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?

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Evelyn Harper We are at the same theater! What a happy coincidence!

Charlie Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.

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Alan Harper You're writing a report on The Taming Of The Shrew, not The Voyages Of Cap'n Crunch!

Jake Harper Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.

Alan Harper Okay... I'm not fooling around here! You're gonna finish this DAMN BOOK and write the DAMN REPORT and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted AND ON FREAKIN' TIME!

Jake Harper I have my doubts, Dad.

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Chelsea [whenever Charlie says something offensive that drives her away] Drop dead!

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Charlie [on Jake] How can I be blackmailed by Forrest Gump?

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Charlie You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3: "Knocking Down the Wall".

Alan Harper Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled "Bite Me". Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".

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Berta Hey, Skippy!

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[scrolling through contact list]

Charlie [sings alphabet] A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H... Hookers! Hookers, hookers, hookers...

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Alan Harper Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.

Charlie Pull.

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Melissa Yeppers!

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Alan Harper A movie would be fine.

Charlie All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?

Jake Harper There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arrrr"!

[Alan and Charlie don't laugh and just stare at him]

Jake Harper You're not my people.

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Berta Hey, Charlie?

Charlie Yeah.

Berta When did you become a bitch?

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Charlie [repeated line, when someone says something dumb] Hellooo?

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Charlie What the hell are you doing?

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Jake Harper [from blooper reel] Uncle Charlie, you're a dick.

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Charlie [to Jake] It's not that I don't care what you want. It's just that you're a kid. What you want doesn't matter.

[Jake looks at him with disdain]

Charlie Wow, I *do* suck.

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Charlie She/He's not coming back.

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Alan Harper [when his receptionist keeps staring at him] Have I told you lately you are doing a great job? Because you are doing a great job! In fact, I'm gonna make you employee of the month!

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Alan Harper [repeated line, whenever he's stressed out] I-I-I-I-I...

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