Clueless Movie Quotes
Cher
Ooo! Get off of me. As if!
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Amber
Ms. Stoeger, my plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.
Dionne
Well, there goes your social life.
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Mel
Hey you, anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and a shovel, I doubt anybody would miss you.
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[about keeping her virginity]
Cher
You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.
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Cher
Should all oppressed people be allowed refuge in America? Amber will take the con position. Cher will be pro. Cher, two minutes.
Cher
So, okay, like right now, for example, the Hatians need to come to America. But some people are all, "What about the strain on our resources?" Then it's like when I had this garden party for my father's birthday, right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that like did not R.S.V.P. So, I was like totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings. But, by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Hatians. And in conclusion may I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. Thank you very much.
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Tai
Do you think she's pretty?
Cher
No, she's a full-on Monet.
Tai
What's a monet?
Cher
It's like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess. Let's ask a guy. Christian, what do you think of Amber?
Christian
Hagsville.
Cher
See?
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Cher
If it's a concussion, you have to keep her conscious, okay? Ask her questions.
Elton
What's seven times seven?
Cher
Stuff she knows.
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Tai
Why should I listen to you, anyway? You're a virgin who can't drive.
Cher
That was way harsh, Tai.
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Cher Horowitz
So okay, I don't want to be a traitor to my generation and all but I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair - ew - and cover it up with a backwards cap and like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so.
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Travis
I would like to say this. Tardiness is not something you can do on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness. I would like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the LA city bus driver who took a chance on an unknown kid and last but not least, the wonderful crew from McDonalds who spend hours making those egg McMuffins without which I might never be tardy.
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Murray
Your man Christian is a cake boy!
Cher
Cher, Dionne: A what?
Murray
He's a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I'm saying?
Cher
Uh-uh, no way, not even!
Murray
Yes, even; he's gay!
Dionne
He does like to shop, Cher. And the boy can dress.
Cher
Oh, my God, l am totally buggin'. l feel like such a bonehead.
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Murray
Woman, lend me fi' dollas.
Dionne
Murray, I have asked you repeatedly not to call me "woman".
Murray
Excuse me, "Ms. Dionne."
Dionne
Thank you.
Murray
Okay, but, street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking, but not necessarily in misogynistic undertones.
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Mel
You mean to tell me that you argued your way from a C+ to an A-?
Cher
Totally based on my powers of persuasion, you proud?
Mel
Honey, I couldn't be happier than if they were based on real grades.
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Heather
It's just like Hamlet said, "To thine own self be true."
Cher
Hamlet didn't say that.
Heather
I think I remember Hamlet accurately.
Cher
Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn't say that. That Polonius guy did.
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Cher
Isn't my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972.
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Cher
He does dress better than I do, what would I bring to the relationship?
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Cher
Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.
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Mel
Which reminds me, where's your report card?
Cher
It's not ready yet.
Mel
What do you mean, "it's not ready yet?"
Cher
Well, some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy. And I know how you say, "Never accept a first offer", so I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations.
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Tai
Man, l'm freaking. l could really use some sort of an herbal refreshment.
Dionne
Oh, well we do lunch in ten minutes. We don't have any tea, but we have Coke and stuff.
Tai
No shit. You guys got Coke here?
Dionne
Well, yeah.
Cher
Yeah, this is America.
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Cher
A watch doesn't really go with this outfit, Daddy.
Mel
Where are you?
Cher
I'm just having a snack at my girlfriend's.
Mel
Where, in Kuwait?
Cher
Is that in the Valley?
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[we see a couple about to wed]
Cher
AS IF. I am only 16, and this is California, not Kentucky.
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Josh
Look, I'm just curious. How many hours a day do you spend grooming yourself?
Cher
Some people are not lucky enough to be as naturally adorable as you are.
Josh
Stop it, you're making me blush.
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Cher
Oh, my God! l love Josh. l am majorly, totally, butt crazy in love with Josh!
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Cher
Everything I think and everything I do is wrong. I was wrong about Elton, I was wrong about Christian, and now Josh hated me. It all boiled down to one inevitable conclusion, I was just totally clueless. Oh, and this Josh and Tai thing was wigging me more than anything. I mean, what was my problem? Tai is my pal, I don't begrudge her a boyfriend, I really... Ooh, I wonder if they have that in my size. What does she want with Josh, anyway? He dresses funny, he listens to complaint rock, he's not even cute... in a conventional way. I mean, he's just like this slug who hangs around the house all the time. And he's a hideous dancer, I couldn't take him anywhere. Wait a second, what am I stressing about? This is like, Josh! OK, OK, so he's kind of a baldwin, but what would he want with Tai? She couldn't make him happy. Josh needed someone with imagination, someone to take care of him, someone to laugh at his jokes... in case he ever makes any. Then suddenly...
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[driving up to a huge house]
Cher
This is where Dionne lives. She's my friend because we both know what it's like for people to be jealous of us.
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Cher
Lucy, the fire department called again. They said we need to clear out that bush. You said you'd get Jose to do it.
Lucy
He your gardener, I don't know why you no tell him.
Cher
Lucy, you know I don't speak Mexican.
Lucy
I NOT A MEXICAN.
Lucy
[storms off]
Cher
Great, what was that all about?
Josh
Lucy's from El Salvador.
Cher
So?
Josh
So, it's an entirely different country.
Cher
What does that matter?
Josh
You get mad if anyone thinks you live below Sunset.
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Christian
Do you like Billie Holiday?
Cher
I love him.
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Cher
Miss Stoeger, I would just like to say that physical education in this school is a disgrace. I mean, standing in line for forty minutes is hardly aerobically effective. I doubt I've worked off the calories in a stick of Carefree gum.
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Cher
I was surfing the crimson wave. I had to haul ass to the ladies'.
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Cher
I feel like such a heifer. I had two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&M's and like 3 pieces of licorice.
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Josh
You look like Pippi Longstocking.
Cher
Well you look like Forrest Gump. Who's Pippi Longstocking?
Josh
Someone Mel Gibson never played.
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Cher
Do you prefer "fashion victim" or "ensembly challenged"?
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Mel
I'd like to see you have a little direction.
Cher
I have direction!
Josh
Yeah, towards the mall.
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Mel
What's with you, kid? You think the death of Sammy Davis left an opening in the Rat Pack?
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Cher
I'm captain of the Pismo Beach disaster relief.
Mel
I don't think they need your skis.
Cher
Daddy, some people lost all their belongings. Don't you think that includes athletic equipment?
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Josh
We might get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree.
Cher
Oh how fabulous. Getting Marky Mark to take time from his busy pants dropping schedule to plant trees. Why don't you just hire a gardener?
Josh
You know, maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity for a good cause - make a contribution. In case you've never heard of that, a contribution is...
Cher
Excuse me, but I have donated many expensive Italian outfits to Lucy, and as soon I get my license, I fully intend to brake for animals, and I have contributed many hours to helping two lonely teachers find romance.
Josh
Which I'll bet serves your interests more than theirs. You know, If I ever saw you do anything that wasn't ninety percent selfish, I'd die of shock.
Cher
Oh, that'd be reason enough for me.
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Cher
Anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good.
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Cher
Christian said he'd call the next day, but in boy time that meant Thursday.
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Josh
Hey, James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road.
Cher
I am. You try driving in platforms.
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Tai
Cher, you're a virgin?
Cher
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Dionne
Besides, the PC term is "Hymenally challenged".
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Mr.Hall
[as Travis goes to jump out window]
And could the suicide attempts PLEASE be postponed until the next period?
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Cher
Well, I thought they declared peace in the Middle East.
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Cher
"Second notice on three outstanding tickets." I don't remember getting a first notice.
Mel
The ticket is the first notice! I didn't even know you could get tickets without a license.
Cher
Oh, you can get tickets anytime.
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Cher
You are such a brown-noser.
Josh
Oh, and you are such a superficial space cadet. What makes you think you can get teachers to change your grades?
Cher
The fact that I've done it every other semester.
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Josh
I think I'd really like to check out Environmental Law.
Mel
Why? You want to have a miserable, frustrating life?
Cher
Oh, Josh will have that no matter what he does.
Mel
At least he knows what he's doing. And he's in a good college. I'd like to see you have a little bit of direction.
Cher
I have direction.
Josh
Yeah, towards the mall.
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Cher
Daddy's a litigator. Those are the scariest kind of lawyer. Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him. And daddy's so good he gets $500 an hour to fight with people. But he fights with me for free because I'm his daughter.
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Cher
Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex.
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Cher
I felt impotent and out of control. Which I really, really hate. I had to find sanctuary in a place where I could gather my thoughts and regain my strength...
[we see a wide shot of the mall]
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Mel
Josh, are you still growing? You look taller than you did at Easter.
Josh
I don't think so.
Mel
Doesn't he look bigger?
Cher
His head does.
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Amber
Hello, was I the only one listening? I mean, I thought it reeked.
Cher
I believe that was your designer imposter perfume.
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Dionne
"Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, But thy eternal summer shall not fade" Phat! Did you write that?
Cher
Duh. It's like a famous quote.
Dionne
From where?
Cher
Cliffs Notes.
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Cher
Dionne and I were both named after famous singers of the past, who now do infomercials.
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Cher
Sporadically. It means once in a while. Try to use it in a sentence.
Tai
Yeah, I hope not sporadically.
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Cher
You can't be the absolute and final word on drivers' licenses?
DMV Tester
Girlie, as far as you're concerned, I am the messiah of the DMV.
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Mel
You drink?
Christian
No, thanks. I'm cool.
Mel
I'm not offering. I'm asking you if you drink. You think I offer alcohol to teenage drivers taking my daughter out?
Christian
Hey man, the protective vibe. I dig.
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Cher
Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.
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Josh
Hey, in some parts of the universe, maybe not in contempo-casual, but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world.
Cher
Thank you Josh. I SO need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell me the part about Kenny G again?
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Dionne
[about Murray shaving his head]
Why do you care what *he* thinks, Murray? I'm the one who has to look at you! What am I gonna do with you now? And right before the yearbook pictures? What am I gonna tell my grandchildren? You know what? That's it...
Murray
That's it!
Dionne
You wanna play games?
Murray
You wanna play games?
Dionne
I'm calling your mother!
Murray
Wait! Don't call my mom! Don't call my mom...
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Murray
Woman, why don't you be answerin' any of my pages?
Dionne
I hate when you call me woman.
Murray
Where you been all weekend? What's up? You been jeepin' behind my back?
Dionne
Jeepin'? Jeepin'? No. But, speaking of vehicular sex, perhaps you can explain how this cheap K-Mart hair extension got into the backseat of your car.
Murray
I don't know where that came from. That looks like one of your little stringy somethin' or an others you got over here.
Dionne
I do not wear polyester hair, okay? Unlike some people I know like Shawana.
Cher
Dee, I'm outty.
Dionne
Bye.
Murray
Why do you got to go there? Why do you gotta go there? Is it that time of the month again?
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Cher
Are you talking about drugs?
Tai
Yeah.
Cher
Tai, how old are you?
Tai
I'll be 16 in May.
Cher
My birthday is in April and as someone older, can I please give you some advice? It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day.
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Cher
Wasn't my mom a total Betty? She died when I was young. A freak accident during a routine liposuction.
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Cher
Okay, so you're probably going, "Is this like a Noxzema commercial or what?" But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl.
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Dionne
Dude, what's wrong. You suffering from buyers remorse or something?
Cher
God no, nothing like that.
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Tai
Shit, you guys, I have never had straight friends before!
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Cher
Christian had a thing for Tony Curtis so he brought over "Some Like it Hot" and "Sporadicus".
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[after taking her drivers test]
Cher
So, how did I do?
DMV Tester
How'd you do? Well, let's just see shall we? You can't park, you can't change lanes, you can't make right hand turns, you damaged private property and you almost killed someone. Off hand, I'd say you failed.
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Cher
That's Ren and Stimpy. They're way existential.
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Cher
[seeking a match for her teacher]
Unfortunately, There was a major babe drought at my school. The evil trolls from the math department were actually married and in the grand tradition of P.E. teachers, Ms. Stoger seemed to be same-sex oriented.
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Travis
lt's one of my steps. See, l joined this club and they have all these steps. There's like...
Cher
Twelve?
Travis
Yeah, twelve. How'd you know?
Cher
Wild guess.
Travis
Wow, that's a good guess.
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Dionne
Cher's saving herself for Luke Perry.
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Cher
Ms. Stoger. That machine is just a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Miss Stoger
Thanks for the legal advice.
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Cher
Oh look, Josh is dancing with Tai, he never dances.
Christian
I can see why.
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Tai
Doable.
Dionne
Puny. I like 'em big.
Cher
Ew I hate muscles!
Tai
You know I don't really mind either way. Just as long as his you-know-what isn't crooked. I really hate that.
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Mel
I expect you to walk through this door in twenty minutes.
Cher
It might take longer than that Dad.
Mel
Everywhere in L.A takes twenty minutes.
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Dionne
Well I'm making you as white as I can, Cher!
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Josh
Hey, just because my mother marries someone else, doesn't mean he's my father.
Cher
Actually, Kato, that's exactly what it means.
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Tai
Ugh, Cher, I don't want to do this anymore, and my buns they don't feel nothing like steel.
Cher
Okay, It will get easier. I promise. Just as long as we do it every day, not just sporadically.
Tai
How do you know if we're doing it sporadically?
Cher
That's another thing Tai we've got to work on your accent and vocabulary. See sporadic means once in a while. Try and use it in a sentence today.
Tai
Alright.
Cher
From now on, we're alternating 'Cindy Crawford's Aerobicize' and 'Buns Of Steel' and reading one nonschool book a week. My first book is 'Fit Or Fat'.
Tai
Mine is 'Men Are From Mars', 'Women Are From Venus'.
Cher
Good. That takes care of our minds and bodies, but we should do something good for mankind or the planet for a couple of hours.
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Cher
[to Josh]
Shouldn't you go to school on the East Coast? I hear girls at N.Y.U. aren't at all particular.
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Cher
Old people can be so sweet.
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Amber
She could be a farmer in those clothes.
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Cher
Dionne and her boyfriend Murray are in this dramatic relationship. I think they've seen that Ike and Tina Turner movie too many times.
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Cher
Would you look at that body language? Legs crossed towards each other. That is an unequivocal sex invite.
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Cher
Been shopping with Dr. Suess?
Dionne
Well at least I wouldn't skin a collie to make my back pack.
Cher
It's faux.
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Cher
Suddenly a dark cloud settled over first period... I got a C in debate?
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Mr.Hall
So does anyone have any final thoughts on Cher's oration? Elton?
Elton
Yeah. I can't find my Cranberries CD. I gotta go to the quad before anyone snags it.
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Cher
Dee, when your allergies act up, take out your nose ring.
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Christian
Thanks, man. You got my mark.
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Cher
[Talking with Dionne while Murray is coaching her on driving]
Actually going all the way is like a really big decision... I can't believe i was so capricious about it... Dee, i almost had sex with him!
Murray
You almost had sex with who?
Cher
Christian.
Murray
[laughs]
Dionne
What?
Murray
Yo, look, are you bitches blind or something?
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Cher
Looks like we're gonna have to make a cameo at the Val party.
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Josh
So you don't want to make a night of it with the Ring a Ding Kid?
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Cher
So, this flannel thing. Is that a nod to the crispy Seattle weather, or are you just trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator?
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Christian
Nice stems.
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Cher
[wondering why she's feels so horrible because of Tai and Josh; looks in a store window]
Ooh! I wonder if they have that in my size.
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Cher
It's like that book I read in the 9th grade that said "'tis a far far better thing doing stuff for other people."
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Tai
You think I'm a mentally challenged airhead?
Cher
I never said that, I just think you two wouldn't mesh.
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Christian
Oh honey, you baked.
Cher
I tried.
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Dionne
So check it.
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Mel
We're going to have a NICE FAMILY MEAL.
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Cher
I don't rely on mirrors so I always take Polaroids.
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Mel
What the hell is that?
Cher
A dress.
Mel
Says who?
Cher
Calvin Klein.
Mel
It looks like underwear. Go upstairs and put something over it.
Cher
Duh, I was just going to.
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Travis
Okay. Like, the way l feel about the Rolling Stones is the way *my* kids are gonna feel about Nine Inch Nails. So, l really shouldn't torment my mom anymore, huh?
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Dionne
ls Josh giving you shit 'cause he's going through his post-adolescent idealistic phase?
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Josh
You've never had a mother, so you're acting out on that poor girl like she was your Barbie doll.
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Cher
Oh, my God, do you see how boys are responding? My heart is totally bursting.
Dionne
l know. l'm kvelling!
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Cher
What do you think?
Josh
I'm amazed.
Cher
That l am devoting myself so generously to someone else?
Josh
No. That you found someone even more clueless than you are to worship you.
Cher
l am rescuing her from teenage hell!
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Summer
Hey, everyone. Let's play Suck and Blow.
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Travis
It's a small price to pay to the party gods. Look, look. I'll make amends. How about some chronic shit?
Cher
Well, it's the least you can do.
Tai
Let's spark it.
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Cher
Listen, Tai, when we get there, make sure Elton sees you but don't say hi first. Look like you're having fun and you're really popular. Talk to someone in his eye line, preferably a guy. Make him come to you. And - find an excuse to leave while he's still into the conversation. The key is always have him wanting more.
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Cher
Doesn't she look classic?
Elton
Yeah, she's beautiful.
Cher
She looks like one of those Botticelli chicks.
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Cher
I'm having a Twin Peaks experience.
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Cher
My life is turning into a bigger disaster than Malibu. I didn't know what I was going to say to Tai. I felt really nervous. And even Fabianne, my masseuse, said I had a lot of tension in my back.
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Christian
These guys right here got the skinny on the happening after-hours.
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Dionne
My man is satisfied. He's got no cause for complaints. But technically, l am a virgin. You know what l mean.
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Cher
l have got an idea. Let's blow off seventh and eighth, go to the mall, have a calorie fest, and see the new Christian Slater.
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Mr.Hall
Cher?
Cher
Present.
Mr.Hall
l guess we established that during attendance. lt's time for your oral.
Cher
Excuse me?
Mr.Hall
Your original oral.
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Amber
Hello! Was l the only one listening? l mean, l thought it reeked.
Cher
l believe that was your designer impostor perfume.
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Cher
It was really decent of you to dance with Tai tonight.
Josh
My pleasure.
Cher
Did you notice any positive changes in her?
Josh
Yeah. Under your tutelage, she's exploring the challenging world of bare midriffs.
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Cher
Do you want something to drink? You know, l could get you some wine.
Christian
No. You notice how wine makes people want to feel, like sexy?
Cher
That's okay.
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Cher
l am so glad l never did it with someone l had lukewarm feelings for 'cause Christian is brutally hot. And l am gonna remember tonight forever.
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Cher
I know it sounds mental but sometimes I have more fun vegging out than when I go partying. Maybe because my party clothes are so binding.
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Josh
l can't believe l'm taking advice from someone who watches cartoons.
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Josh
What's with you?
Cher
What do you mean?
Josh
You're so quiet. You haven't made me watch "The Real World".
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Cher
What was happening? Dionne asking Tai for sex advice? Tai being the most popular girl in school? It was like some sort of alternate universe.
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Cher
I had an overwhelming sense of ickiness. Even though I apologized to Lucy, something was still plaguing me. Like Josh thinking I was mean was making me postal.
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Josh
You don't need to be doing this. Go out and have fun. Go shopping.
Cher
You think that's all l do? l'm just a ditz with a credit card?
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Tai
l like him.
Cher
Do you think that he likes you?
Tai
Yeah.
Cher
How do you know?
Tai
Like - little things, you know? He always - he finds some sort of way to touch me or tickle me. Do you remember the time at the frat when l was totally depressed and he asked me to dance with him and he was really flirty?
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[last lines]
Cher
I got it!
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[first lines]
Cher
Okay, you're probably going, "Is this a Noxzema commercial or what?" But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl. I mean, I get up, I brush my teeth, and I pick out my school clothes.
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Cher
That's it! We've got to figure out a way to make Mr. Hall sublimely happy.
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Cher
D, my mission is clear. Would you look at that girl? She is so adorably clueless. We have got to adopt her.
Dionne
Cher, she is tore up. Our stock would plummet.
Cher
D, don't you want to use your popularity for a good cause?
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Cher
God, Elton, can't you suck?
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Cher
Hey, granola breath, you got something on your chin.
Josh
l'm growing a goatee.
Cher
Well, that's good. You don't wanna be the last one at the coffee house without chin pubes.
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Cher
Do you drink coffee?
Mr.Hall
Not from this cafeteria. But, yes, under normal circumstances.
Cher
Well, I am such a retard. When l was packing Daddy's lunch this morning, l gave him my lemon Snapple and l took his sucky ltalian roast. Do you want it?
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Dionne
Cher's main thrill in life is a makeover, okay? It gives her a sense of control in a world full of chaos.
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Cher
Don't sell yourself short now. You've got something going that no one in this school has.
Tai
Oh, I'm not a virgin.
Cher
l mean mystery.
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Cher
Pretty groovy, huh?
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Cher
Mr. Hall: he's single, he's 47, and he earns minor ducats at a thankless job. But what that man needs is a good, healthy *boink* fest. Unfortunately, there was a major babe drought in my school.
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