This Is the End Movie Quotes
Danny McBride
Hermione just stole all of our shit. And then Jay suggested that we all rape her and now she's gone. I think the only reason why he did that is because Jay knows he's about fucking two minutes away from becoming the house bitch himself.
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James Franco
Your mama's pussy was the canvas. Your dad's dick was the paintbrush. Boom. You're the art.
Jay Baruchel
Thanks, James Franco.
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Jonah Hill
Dear God, it's me, Jonah Hill... from Moneyball.
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Jay Baruchel
Guys, listen listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room
Seth Rogen
Whoa, Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.
Craig Robinson
That's fucked up. I'm right here man.
Jay Baruchel
I'm not calling Craig an elephant.
James Franco
That's racist.
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Jay Baruchel
I say unto the... the power of Christ compels you!
Possessed Jonah Hill
Oh, does it? Does it compel me?
Jay Baruchel
The power of Christ compels you!
Possessed Jonah Hill
Does it, Jay?
Jay Baruchel
The power of Christ compels you!
Possessed Jonah Hill
Is the power of Christ compelling me? Is that what's happening?
Jay Baruchel
The power of Christ compels you!
Possessed Jonah Hill
Guess what? It's not that compelling.
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[Rogen and McBride are digging through the floor of Franco's house when Franco storms through the second floor hallway, carrying his prop gun and a porno magazine]
James Franco
Who did this? Who did this?
Seth Rogen
Did what? What are you talking about?
James Franco
Jizzed all over the pages of this nice magazine I was nice enough to tell you about. Was it you, Seth?
James Franco
Why?
Danny McBride
When I fuckin' jack off long enough, I end up jizzin', dude. I'm assuming, the same shit works for you?
James Franco
Real fuckin' smart answer! Why don't you fuckin' aim, huh?
Danny McBride
I have a particularly explosive ejaculate. It just goes everywhere. It's like a fuckin' wild fireman's hose - you just got to grab on and pray to God it doesn't get into your eyes or your mouth.
James Franco
What the fuck kind of jerking off is that? What, you never had any brothers? You never learned to jizz in a fuckin' sock or on a fuckin' tissue?
Danny McBride
No, I don't have any brothers, I was raised in a house of women!
James Franco
I highly doubt they fuckin' taught you to fuckin' close your eyes and fuckin' cum wherever the fuck you want!
Danny McBride
I mean, you're getting all worked up over a fuckin' porno mag! Who has goddamn porno mags anymore? Welcome to the twenty-first century, Buck Rogers! You designed a house with fuckin' iPads in the walls, yet, you're jerkin' your dick like a goddamn pilgrim!
James Franco
That's right, man. I like to fuckin' read!
Danny McBride
You think that's the only thing I jerk off on in here? I've been dropping off loads around this fuckin' house like a goddamn dump truck.
James Franco
You don't cum on my stuff!
Danny McBride
I'll cum wherever the fuck I want, James! I'll fuckin' cum in your kitchen, I'll cum on your fuckin' art, I'll cum anywhere I want!
James Franco
I will fuckin' cum right on you! I will cum like a fuckin' madman all over you, McBride!
Danny McBride
Ooh! I fuckin' wish you'd cum on me right now! I fuckin' dare you to cum on me!
[Both exchange masturbation gestures at each other]
Danny McBride
[Grabbing baseball bat between his legs]
I'm gonna jack my dick so fuckin' hard in here!
James Franco
This, no more, man! All over your fuckin' face!
Danny McBride
All over the fuckin' floor, all over the fuckin' place! I'll fuckin' cum anywhere I want! I'll fuckin' cum on these walls, I'll cum on the fuckin' cabinets, on the fuckin' furniture, I'll cum everywhere!
James Franco
If I see your dick one more time, I'm gonna fuckin' shoot it off!
Danny McBride
You don't have enough bullets, bitch!
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Danny McBride
James Franco didn't suck any dick last night? Now I know ya'll are trippin'.
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Danny McBride
Welcome to the twenty-first century, Buck Rogers! You designed a house with fuckin' iPads in the walls, yet, you're jerkin' your dick like a goddamn pilgrim!
James Franco
That's right man, I like to fuckin' read!
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James Franco
I got to admit something... I fucked Lindsay Lohan. She was fucked up, she was high. It was at the Chateau Marmont. She kept banging on my door. She kept calling me Jake Gyllenhaal. I said... call me the prince of Persia.
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Jonah Hill
A huge earthquake happens, who do they rescue first? Actors. They'll rescue Clooney, Sandra Bullock, me. If there's room, you guys will come.
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[Taking inventory of the food and supplies at James Franco's house]
Seth Rogen
We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, Nutella, cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, C.T. Crunch, milk, ketchup, a Milky Way, half-ounce Sour Diesel, 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of 'shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat, and the video camera from the movie 27 Hours.
Seth Rogen
Uh, 127 Hours. And a functioning revolver from the movie 'Flyboys'.
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James Franco
Go to hell, McBride! Fuck you! Haha. Suck my dick!
[Rapture light disappears]
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Danny McBride
You got white shit all over your mouth, Franco. You probably sucked somebody's dick. Jonah over here probably watched and jerked off.
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James Franco
I will shoot off your dick!
Danny McBride
You don't have enough bullets, bitch.
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Craig Robinson
Welcome to Heaven, mothafuckas.
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Danny McBride
[from trailer]
Seth, that's some of the better acting than I've seen in your last six movies. Where the fuck was that in Green Hornet?
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James Franco
The fucker's got to go! GO! The fucker's gots to go!
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Emma Watson
Give me everything you have to drink!
Seth Rogen
There are six of us! You cannot rob us!
Emma Watson
I'm NOT fucking around!
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[an armored RV crashes into James Franco's Toyota Prius, slightly injuring Franco, Seth Rogen, and Jay Baruchel. A bunch of cannibals from the RV pulls all three of them out from the totaled car and starts to attack them]
Santa Cannibal
[yells]
Yo, cut his fuckin' head off!
[chainsaw revs up; James, Seth, and Jay screams]
[Danny McBride, leader of the cannibals, steps out of his RV with a marijuana joint in one hand and a dog's leash in the other]
Jay Baruchel
Danny?
Seth Rogen
Yeah!
Danny McBride
Holy shit, I didn't expect that.
[tugging on the leash, a gimp, who reveals to be Channing Tatum, jumps out from the RV]
Danny McBride
Get...
[Danny pulls Channing over to him]
Jay Baruchel
Oh, Jesus.
Danny McBride
Shit, I can't believe you guys are here. That's fucking crazy, and your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long time since any of us have eaten, and you three gentlemen look delicious.
James Franco
What the fuck are you talking about?
Seth Rogen
Fuck you, you can't eat us. Fuck that, man!
Danny McBride
I do whatever the fuck I want, whenever I want. I butt-fucked this dude.
[Channing drops down doggy-style]
Danny McBride
See that? I fuckin' slide right in that shit. I do whatever I want. This is my gimp. Channing, introduce yourself.
James Franco
That's Channing Tatum.
Seth Rogen
That's Channing Tatum, dude. What the fuck?
Danny McBride
Channing fucking Tatum. I found him wandering on the freeway. I collected him, made him my bitch
[Channing rubs Danny's crotch, but Danny shoves his hand away]
Danny McBride
Get off my dick. I call him Channing "Tate-yum".
James Franco
Hardcore, man.
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Jonah Hill
So what have you guys been doing?
Seth Rogen
Oh we just hung out all day.
Jay Baruchel
Ate a bunch of dirty burgers, smoked about a fucking pound of weed, and played a bunch of video games.
Jonah Hill
Weed is tight, weed is tight. That's awesome.
Jay Baruchel
It's like the golfing sequence in Navy Seals.
Jonah Hill
Sick reference though bro.
Jay Baruchel
Oh thanks bud.
Jonah Hill
Dude, your references are out of control, everyone knows that.
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Jay Baruchel
Can we please go to fucking Carl's Jr.?
Seth Rogen
Uh, I would love to, but I'm on a... I can't really eat that stuff right now. I'm on a... I'm on this cleanse.
Jay Baruchel
You're on a what?
Seth Rogen
I'm on a cleanse.
Seth Rogen
It's good for you. You're supposed to take six shits a day.
Jay Baruchel
That's not true, you're supposed to shit twice a day.
Seth Rogen
No. That's not true. That's what they used to think, now they know you're supposed to shit six times a day.
Jay Baruchel
So you're not drinking, you're not smoking weed?
Seth Rogen
Oh, no. I'm drinking, I'm smoking weed. I'm on a cleanse, I'm not psychotic.
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Craig Robinson
I'm straight-up lovable, son.
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Jonah Hill
Um, can I have that Milky Way?
James Franco
No, you can't have the Milky Way. That's my Milky Way. I went out this morning and specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party.
Jay Baruchel
That's weird.
James Franco
It's not weird, it's my special food, I like it. Back me up on that, Seth.
Seth Rogen
I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way. I want some of the Milky Way.
Craig Robinson
I'd be pretty bummed if I don't at least get a bite of the Milky Way.
James Franco
Oh, now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.
Craig Robinson
Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way! It's a fucking Milky Way.
Jay Baruchel
A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable.
Seth Rogen
Everyone gets a fifth of everything.
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James Franco
We're actors! We bring joy to people's lives!
Jay Baruchel
Yeah but we don't do it for free. We get paid handsomely much higher than the average professional.
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Michael Cera
Hey, does this coke smell funny?
[blows cocaine into Christopher's face]
Christopher Mintz-Plasse
Oh, fuck, Michael. I've never done cocaine.
Michael Cera
Well, you did the best shit possible for your first time.
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Jay Baruchel
I don't wanna die at James Franco's house.
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Seth Rogen
Just answer me one question: Is Michael Cera's butthole as adorable as I pictured?
Jay Baruchel
Oh for fucks sake...
Seth Rogen
I picture it looking like a little donut. A little pink sprinkled donut.
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Seth Rogen
Let's do all the drugs!
Jay Baruchel
I don't really want to.
[starts to drink water]
Seth Rogen
You should of thought of that before you drank a can full of Ecstasy.
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Seth Rogen
Jesus fucking Christ.
Craig Robinson
You might wanna stay away from saying that.
Seth Rogen
Jesus fucking Christ? Why? Why can't I say that?
Craig Robinson
One of the ten commandments. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
Seth Rogen
Jesus isn't the name of the Lord. God is the name of the Lord.
Craig Robinson
Jesus and God is all the same.
Jay Baruchel
It's a trinity.
Craig Robinson
The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.
James Franco
It's like Neapolitan ice cream.
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[from trailer]
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Craig Robinson
Ain't no party, like a no panty party, cause a no panty party don't stop!
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Craig Robinson
Take yo panties off!
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Jonah Hill
[trying to comprehend the previous night]
Something, um, not-that-chill happened last night.
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Channing Tatum
I love him.
Danny McBride
Fuckin' GI Joe, dude. Fuckin' loves me.
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Jay Baruchel
We could build a life here together, Craig. I'd be really good to you.
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Danny McBride
I call him Channing Taint-YUM!
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Aziz Ansari
Craig, help me!
Craig Robinson
It's too late for you! You're already in the hole!
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David Krumholtz
Jay! I can't hold on much longer. You have to reach out and grab me, you hear?
Jay Baruchel
Okay, uh, you take my hand and I'll swing you up!
David Krumholtz
You sure? I'm going to give you my whole weight.
Jay Baruchel
I'm gonna reach for you alright?
David Krumholtz
Are you sure you can do it?
Jay Baruchel
I can grab you. On three. One, two, three!
[They grab hands]
David Krumholtz
I'm gonna swing across!
Jay Baruchel
I got you buddy.
David Krumholtz
You're going to hold my weight, all of it.
Jay Baruchel
Okay! Come on!
David Krumholtz
You can hold on to my full weight?
Jay Baruchel
I can do it!
David Krumholtz
I don't want to die.
Jay Baruchel
One, two, three!
[Jay lets go and David falls to his death]
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Michael Cera
[after everyone at James Franco's party runs outside and sees that the Hollywood Hills are engulfed in flames]
Wait, wait, wait! Everybody listen up! Listen up! Who took my fucking cell phone man? Martin empty your pockets!
Martin Starr
What?
Michael Cera
I saw you in the bathroom, man! Somebody dial my phone! Shut the fuck up! Unbelievable! It's unacceptable after all the coke I've wasted on you people!
Seth Rogen
No one took your fucking cell phone...
Seth Rogen
[a light pole begins to fall towards Michael]
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Michael! Michael! Michael!
[the light pole crashes through Michael's chest]
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Craig Robinson
I would suck a dick for half a cracker!
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Danny McBride
He's talking about the rape-y vibes.
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Craig Robinson
Hey! Hey, asshole! Hey, come on! Pickle dick, demonic-looking motherfucker. Nobody's scared of you. You ain't a raccoon. Yeah, bring your ass, bitch. Nobody's scared of you. I'm Craig fucking Robinson! Yeah! I hope you like big dick, motherfucker, 'cause, I'm about to fuck you raw. For the last goddamn time! Take your panties off!
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Jonah Hill
[possessed]
You will drown in a river of blood. The end of days is here. You will quiver in the shadow of kingdom come. Judgment Day is upon you. The Apocalypse is NIGH!
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Michael Cera
Is it bad?
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James Franco
No more jerking off, no more water, just sit the fuck down!
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Jonah Hill
This is no dream! This is really happening!
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[after James taunts Danny, the rapture beams disappears; James falls back down on the ground to the evil amazement of the cannibals and the disappointment of Seth and Jay]
Seth Rogen
Oh, shit.
Jay Baruchel
Shit!
Danny McBride
I'll tell you what happened, Franco. You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven 'cause you were being petty. Tom Petty.
[the cannibals gang up on the now-doomed James]
Danny McBride
You may not have invited me to your party, but you're the guest of honor at mine.
[Danny takes a huge bite into James' nose, with Channing joining in; James screams in horrible pain as Seth and Jay can do nothing but watch in sheer horror and disgust]
Danny McBride
[screaming; a crazed Danny holds up James' ripped-off nose]
HOW FUCKING CRAZY IS THIS?
[Danny shrieks as the cannibals gang up and fatally eat James up to his death]
Danny McBride
Seth! JAY!
[Three cannibals give chase to Set and Jay, presumably to finish the job and keep them completely fed]
Jay Baruchel
Oh, shit, they're running after us!
Seth Rogen
Oh, shit. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Run!
Danny McBride
BRING THEM TO ME!
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Christopher Mintz-Plasse
I never fuckin' done cocaine, dude.
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Craig Robinson
Dude, Segel's dead, Krumholtz is dead, Michael Cera's dead...
Danny McBride
I guess if Michael Cera's dead it's not a total loss, huh?
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Jonah Hill
[as Woody Harrelson]
I have to do what's right, weed is for the people, it's the peoples weed.
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Danny McBride
Franco, you're just a pretentious fucking nerd.
James Franco
Fuck you!
Danny McBride
And Jonah... you fucking cunt. Craig... you didn't have my back back there. You fucking disappoint me.
Craig Robinson
Bro...
Danny McBride
And Seth... you duplicitous taint.
Seth Rogen
What?
Danny McBride
And of course there's Jay... the self-righteous, cocksucking, two-faced backstabber.
Jay Baruchel
What the fuck are you talking about?
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Seth Rogen
Jay, are you serious right now? That's your fucking plan? You're gonna repeat lines from the exorcist?
Jay Baruchel
I would assume they did their fucking research.
Seth Rogen
It's a movie!
Jay Baruchel
It's a manual. It's a fucking training manual.
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[the guys are debating whether or not to let a stranger into the house]
Jay Baruchel
Why not?
Headless Man
Yeah, why not? I can hear you, by the way.
James Franco
I'm sorry, we just don't know you, man. You could be, like, a looter or a, a rapist or a tittyfucker, like...
[Seth grabs his chest protectively]
James Franco
... I'm sorry. Look, guys, we just boarded up this whole house to keep everyone out, and the first guy who comes to the door, we're gonna let him in? I mean, how do we know we can trust this guy?
Headless Man
I want to live! Things have gone crazy out here!
Danny McBride
"Agagaga-fuckin'-crazy-out-here!" This guy fuckin' sucks.
James Franco
What if he's the rapist?
Jonah Hill
Man, even if he is a rapist, he can't rape all of us.
Seth Rogen
You gonna tittyfuck us?
Headless Man
[almost in tears]
If you want me to tittyfuck you, I will, so good, oh, you'll love it!
Jay Baruchel
Seth, back me up, please, we can't just leave him out there to die, are you crazy?
Seth Rogen
Uh, let's vote on it!
Headless Man
Yeah, I fuckin' vote you let me in!
Danny McBride
Here's my vote: fuck all of you, I'm letting him in. This is boring.
[the guys all shout and rush to stop him; something growls outside]
Headless Man
There's something out here!
[the thing outside suddenly chops the man's head off, and the severed head bounces into the room, coming to a stop at Danny's feet]
[he kicks the head at James, who kicks it away from him immediately. The guys all start screaming and kicking the head around the room to get away from it]
Jonah Hill
You guys! This man was alive a few seconds ago, we can't play soccer with his head!
James Franco
Pick it up, Jonah.
[Jonah picks up the head and immediately drops it again as blood gushes out of it]
Danny McBride
What the fuck is going on?
Jonah Hill
He blinked at me! He blinked at me!
James Franco
Put it over there!
[quivering in fear, Craig throws a blanket over the head]
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Seth Rogen
It's already going crazy out there, guys! We can't leave. I'm not leaving. Okay? I'm a victim! I've had a victim's mentality my whole life, people can smell it on me! When I was a kid, I had man titties. The bullies held me down, they titty fucked me!
James Franco
That's what's happening out there right now!
Craig Robinson
We are all soft.
Seth Rogen
Yeah.
Craig Robinson
We are all soft! We are actors, we pretend to be hard, man! We soft as baby shit!
James Franco
As baby shit!
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Seth Rogen
Danny, no! Don't walk away! Danny, don't walk away from me!
Seth Rogen
No, you haven't. You could still come back and just fucking turn around and come back and help me.
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Possessed Jonah Hill
Jonah Hill is no more.
Jay Baruchel
Demon!
Possessed Jonah Hill
Yes!
Seth Rogen
Fuck. That's not good.
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Craig Robinson
C'mon Rihanna, take yo' panties off fo' me.
Rihanna
C'mon Craig, will you *fuck off* fo' me.
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James Franco
Dude look helicopters, helicopter, the good guys are here. We're fine, we're gonna be fine
[Helicopter crashes and propeller flies through window and sticks into wall next to Craig]
James Franco
You okay?
Craig Robinson
No I'm not okay.
[Shows finger with small scratch and blood]
Craig Robinson
Fuck yo house Franco
James Franco
My house didn't do that
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Emma Watson
Look at him, he's like a hipster. Right?
Jay Baruchel
No. No, I'm not a hipster. At all.
Craig Robinson
Yeah, you do seem to hate a lot of things and the bottom of your pants are awful tight.
Jay Baruchel
No, I just... I don't like Los Angeles. That's it. It doesn't make me a hipster.
Craig Robinson
I bet you hate movies that are universally loved.
Jay Baruchel
I don't even...
Craig Robinson
You like Forrest Gump?
Jay Baruchel
No, no, it's a horrendous piece of shit...
Emma Watson
Life is like a box of chocolates? No?
Jay Baruchel
No, I'm familiar with it.
Craig Robinson
You never know what you're gonna get.
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Jay Baruchel
There were people and they were there and they got... sucked up into the sky.
James Franco
Sucked up into the sky. Nobody got sucked up in here.
Michael Cera
I got sucked off here.
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Danny McBride
I know why you guys don't fucking call me or hang out with me anymore. It's cause I party so fucking hard. Always have. Ever since I was a baby, I wouldn't just suck on my mama's titties, I would fucking bang 'em and motorboat 'em. Everything I've been doing has just been a cry for help. When I came on your magazine, James, it was a cum for help. I've just been crying and cumming and crying and cumming. Tears from the tip of my penis, dudes.
James Franco
I'm sorry, alright. You can cum wherever you want.
Danny McBride
I don't even care about cumming anymore. Right now I'm just kind of into going.
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Seth Rogen
Don't titty fuck me!
Possessed Jonah Hill
What are they, big B's or small C's? I'm gonna push your titties together. PUSH THEM TOGETHER!
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Craig Robinson
Yo, so, I just drank my own pee for the first time... and...
[laughs]
Craig Robinson
it ain't bad. I never thought to do it, I always thought, you know, pee stink, whatever, but... Shh.
[holds up a cocktail glass filled with pee]
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James Franco
You know what, Danny? If you weren't jizzing all the time, maybe you would be more hydrated!
Danny McBride
You're making me into a joke right now, Franco, and you are not gonna like the fucking punchline!
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[after Jay punches Jonah]
James Franco
Jonah, you okay?
Jonah Hill
Yeah... his insides hurt worse than my outsides.
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Jason Segel
It's the same thing a lot, though. It's, like, my TV wife opens the fridge, and is, like, "What happened to the birthday cake?" And I come out with, like, a little frosting, like, "What birthday cake?"
Jason Segel
It's my birthday.
Kevin Hart
That's why y'all number one. 'Cause of that.
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[after a man gets his head cut off and everyone is freaking out and kicking his head around]
Jonah Hill
Stop! You guys! This man was alive a few seconds ago, we can't play soccer with his head!
James Franco
Pick it up, Jonah!
[Jonah picks up the head and blood pours out and he drops it]
Jonah Hill
Oh, God! He blinked at me!
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Jonah Hill
Guys, guys, guys. Jay's not rapey, Jay couldn't rape a fly.
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[after finding James' secret stash of food]
Craig Robinson
What the fuck is all this, Franco?
James Franco
Uh... it looks like food! How'd that get there?
Seth Rogen
What? You have more food?
Craig Robinson
You knew he had extra food?
Seth Rogen
He gave me one cracker!
Craig Robinson
I would have sucked a dick for half a cracker!
James Franco
Alright, well, maybe I didn't want you to suck my dick, alright!
Craig Robinson
I didn't want to suck it! That's the point of what I said!
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Danny McBride
And then there's Jay: the self-righteous, cock-sucking, two-faced backstabber...
Danny McBride
I overheard your little conversation with Craig, alright? The only reason why you "care" about any of us is because you think that's what God wants you to do. You don't give a shit about us.
Jay Baruchel
No, no, no, no, that's fucking twisting that shit around. You're fucking lying!
Danny McBride
Am I twisting *this*?
[pause]
Danny McBride
I believe you were in Los Angeles... TWO MONTHS AGO at the Four Seasons. I saw you there and you specifically asked me... NOT to tell Seth so that you could maintain the illusion that you *always* stay with Seth when you're in Los Angeles!
Craig Robinson
Oooooooooooooooooooh Jay...
Seth Rogen
What the fuck, man...
Danny McBride
Textbook twattage.
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2007, Great Britain / USA, Fairy Tale, Family, Drama, Adventure
