Uncle Buck Movie Quotes
Buck Russell
I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and I'm coming looking for you!
[of Anita's mole]
Buck Russell
Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam.
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Miles
Where do you live?
Buck
In the city.
Miles
You have a house?
Buck
Apartment.
Miles
Own or rent?
Buck
Rent.
Miles
What do you do for a living?
Buck
Lots of things.
Miles
Where's your office?
Buck
I don't have one.
Miles
How come?
Buck
I don't need one.
Miles
Where's your wife?
Buck
Don't have one.
Miles
How come?
Buck
It's a long story.
Miles
You have kids?
Buck
No I don't.
Miles
How come?
Buck
It's an even longer story.
Miles
Are you my dad's brother?
Buck
What's your record for consecutive questions asked?
Miles
38.
Buck
I'm your dad's brother alright.
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[Buck's beat up old car pulls up]
Bug
[sarcastic]
Ever hear of a tune up? Hee hee hee hee hee.
Bug
I don't get it.
Buck
[serious tone]
You gnaw on her face in public like that again and you'll be one. Ah, heh heh heh heh!
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[at a meeting with the assistant principal, who's got a big unsightly growth on her face]
Anita
I'm Anita Hoargarth.
Buck Russell
[Staring at it]
I'm Buck Melanoma. Moley Russell's wart. Not her wart. Not her wart! I'm... I'm the wart. She's my tumor. My... my growth. My... uh, my pimple. I'm Uncle Wart. Just old Buck "Wart" Russell. That's what they call me, or Melanoma Head. They'll call me that. "Melanoma Head's coming." I'm s... uncle! Maisy Russell's uncle!
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Miles
You have much more hair in your nose than my dad.
Buck
How nice of you to notice.
Miles
I'm a kid that's my job.
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Buck
The guy's a predator and you're his prey.
Tia
Really?
Buck
You bet.
Tia
And how would you know?
Buck
When I was his age, I was a guy zooming girls like you. Pretty face, good chip on your shoulder.
Tia
I recommend you stay out of my personal life!
Buck
Do your parents stay out of your personal life?
Tia
They don't know my personal life.
Buck
Have they met twiddle-dink?
Tia
His name is Bug.
Tia
First!
Buck
What's his last name, Spray?
Tia
You should talk, Buck!
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Buck
Well, well, well, they certainly are scraping the bottom of the barrel for cheerleaders these days.
Tia
What are you doing here?
Buck
We were just driving by to get some ice cream. Thought you might like to join us.
Tia
I said I would be home at 10. It's not even 9!
Buck
Who said anything about that? I thought you might like to join us for some ice cream. Maybe your Bug here can join us. We can talk about burying the hatchet. You know what a hatchet is, don't you, Bug?
Bug
It's an ax?
Buck
Sort of, yeah, yeah. I got one in my car if you'd like to see it.
Bug
[getting scared]
I'll pass.
Buck
Fair enough. I like to carry it, you never know when you're going to need it. A situation may come up say for example, someone has been drinking, and about to drive a loved one home... then I'd like to know I have it. Not to kill, no. Just to maim. Take a little off the shoulder. Swish! The elbow. Slash! Shave a little meat off the old kneecap. Fowap! Ooooo! You got both kneecaps? I like to keep mine razor sharp. Sharp enough you can shave with it. Why I've been known to circumcise a gnat. You're not a gnat are you, Bug? Wait a minute, bug, gnat. Is there a little similarity? Whoa, I think there is! Ha ha ha. You understand what I'm talking about? I don't think you do. I'll be right back. Heh heh heh heh.
[walks away]
Tia
I'm sorry.
Bug
Look, I think you'd better split. I don't exactly want him to go berserk with an ax on me.
Tia
He's all talk.
[Buck pulls out a small hatchet from his car]
Buck
Here it is! Come over, come on, I want to show it to you. Maybe later. Okay.
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Buck
What, did you have a few drinks this morning? Huh? Yeah, I think you did.
Pooter-the-Clown
What are you? Mother Cabrini? You never touch the stuff?
Buck
No, no. It's just that I wouldn't be drinking if I was going to entertain some kids. You know?
Pooter-the-Clown
I don't have to take this shit from you. You know who I am? In the field of local-live-home entertainment, I'm a god!
Buck
Get in your mouse, and get out of here.
Pooter-the-Clown
Hey, you, let me tell you something you low-life-lying-four-flushing-sack-of-shit.
[Buck punches him, gets back up like an inflatable clown, Pooter groans, Buck punches him again]
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Buck
What time do you want me to pick you up after school?
Tia
Don't bother! I'll get a ride with friends
Buck
No, I have my orders. What time?
Tia
Are you really this stupid? I said I would get a ride. I always get a ride.
Buck
Hey, I'll just call the school, find out what time, and meet you right here.
Tia
Go ahead, call the school. I won't be here.
Buck
Stand me up today and tomorrow I'll drive you to school in my robe and pajamas and walk you to your first class. Four o'clock okay?
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Buck
Did you brush your teeth?
Miles
Yeah. You can even feel my toothbrush.
Buck
You know, I have a friend who works at the crime lab at the police station. I could give him your toothbrush and he could run a test on it. To see if you actually brushed your teeth or just ran your toothbrush under the faucet.
[Miles imagines hearing sirens, Buck leaves]
Maisy Russell
If that's true, we're gonna really have to start brushing our teeth.
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Buck
[is trying to make Tia go out bowling with him]
We've done the battle of the wills. The deck's stacked in my favor. You're just gonna lose again.
Tia
Try me.
Buck
How would you like to spend the next several nights wondering if your crazy, out-of-work, bum uncle will shave your head while you sleep? See you in the car.
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Buck
You know there's uh, one family charity case who loves you very much.
Buck
Hey, come on. Nothing to be sorry about. I'm just glad I got a chance to know you again.
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Maisy's Teacher
Does anybody have a special story to tell the class about something that happened this week?
[Maisy raises her hand]
Maisy's Teacher
Maisy?
Maisy Russell
My uncle was microwaving our socks and the dog threw up on the couch for an hour.
Maisy's Teacher
Honest?
Maisy Russell
Mm-Hmm.
Maisy's Teacher
Why was your uncle microwaving your socks?
Maisy Russell
He can't get the goddamn washing machine to work.
Maisy's Teacher
Blasphemer!
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Tia Russell
[eating Chinese take out]
This is such a wonderful dinner, Mother. How do you find the time?
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[Miles is gawking at his birthday breakfast]
Buck Russell
You should see the toast. I couldn't even get it through the door.
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Buck Russell
How many times a day does the dog eat?
Cindy Russell
How many times do you think?
Buck Russell
I don't know, four or five.
Cindy Russell
He eats once a day.
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Buck Russell
Do you think she hates me?
Maisy Russell
With a passion.
Buck Russell
Really? Do you think it's the hat?
Maisy Russell
No.
Buck Russell
No? A lot of people hate this hat. It angers a lot of people, just the sight of it. Ah, I'll tell you a story about that on the way to school.
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Tia
Do have any idea how embarrassing this is? You driving me up to my school where everyone can see you? I can't believe I'm related to you.
Buck
You just get that big stick out of your keester young lady, and we'll get along just fine.
Tia
Can I ask you a personal question?
Buck
Sure.
Tia
Did you ever have anyone embarrass you like this?
[a very long pause as Buck glances up, then down, and side to side trying to remember and contemplating Tia's question until he makes eye contact with her again]
Buck
No.
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Buck
[struggling to open the washing machine]
Do I have to talk dirty to you? Come on! Open up for daddy! I'm gonna shove a load into you! Here we go! Come on, it's nice and easy. Aaah! Come on, here we go! Ah! Take that! Take that! Come on! You don't want the crowbar, do you? Come on! Open up! Ugh! I'm gonna shove my load into you whether you like it or not!
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[Miles and Maisey watch Tia make out with her boyfriend]
Miles
That's a pretty stupid thing to do during Flu season!
Maisey Russell
I'll bet she's getting the tongue!
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Tia Russell
Are you crazy?
Buck Russell
I can be.
Tia Russell
You could have taken his head off!
Buck Russell
Yeah, but would he notice?
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Tia
Uncle Buck?
Buck
Yeah?
Tia
Got a minute?
Buck
I got lots of minutes.
Tia
Now that everything's okay with my grandfather, I want to go out tomorrow night.
Buck
You can go crazy after I leave. Until then, I'm not letting you out.
Buck
You mean easy? No.
Tia
I mean decent!
Buck
You mean blind!
Tia
Who are you trying to score points with? My parents? How many times have they had you over here since we moved? Try none until they went up Shit Creek and got stuck!
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Chanice Kobolowski
Okay, okay. Buck, I love you. I can't help myself. I want to get married. I want to have a family. I want to do it with you! But you know, the clock is ticking away here. I would just like to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet before I die.
Buck
I'll get you a mouse and a piece of sheet metal.
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[Chanice is listening to an answering machine message from Buck]
Buck
I think about those two little dimples on your buns. Hahaha.
Chanice Kobolowski
Dimples!
Buck
What do we call them? One, one was on the right was Lyndon and left was.
Chanice Kobolowski
It's Johnson.
Buck
Johnson.
[Chanice laughs]
Buck
And then there was your boobs we did. Now, your boobs were Minnie and Mickey, I remember that because of Disney World. And Felix! Felix is what we called your.
[cut to the next scene, where a cat meows loudly]
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Buck Russell
[dancing to Young MC's "Bust a Move"]
Hey, nice music! Who is that, the Grass Roots? Just kidding, I know my music!
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Buck Russell
[On the way to his brother's]
Oh boy, those kids. I haven't seen those kids in a while. Tia's gotta be nine. Nine, maybe ten. Oh boy. And the two new ones. They're uh Larry and uh. Larry and uh. Uh Betsy. Betsy, uh Jennifer. Jennifer. Larry and Jennifer. Oh boy.
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Marcie Dahlgren-Frost
Marcie Dahlgren-Frost. Dahlgren is my maiden name, Frost is my married name. I'm single again, but I never bothered to remove the Frost. And I get compliments on the hyphen.
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Bob Russell
Hard to say.
Buck Russell
Oh, those medical terms eh?
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Buck
Hey, I stopped smoking cigarettes.
Cindy Russell
Oh, good.
Buck
Isn't that something? I'm on to cigars now. I'm on to a five-year plan. I eliminated cigarettes, then I go to cigars, then I go to pipes, then I go to chewing tobacco, then I'm on to that nicotine gum.
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Miles
You always kick me around, I'm an American and I have rights.
Tia
Maisey, do I kick you around?
Maisey Russell
No, but you said 'shit' twice, only once that counts though.
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Miles
Who's gonna take care of us?
Cindy Russell
Mr. and Mrs. Neville.
Miles
Is that a joke?
Cindy Russell
You don't like the Nevilles?
Miles
Their dog's a ball sniffer.
Cindy Russell
Don't talk like that!
Miles
Mr. Neville yelled at Michael Larson because their dog was sniffing Michael's balls.
Cindy Russell
Don't use that word.
Miles
I don't know another word.
Cindy Russell
Well, I'm sure we can talk to Mr. Neville about the dog.
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Buck
[into the phone]
Hey, Bobby we should really get together sometime. I haven't been over at the new house since you moved. By the way, I want to apologize for last year at your old house about those bushes. I had no idea they all would catch on fire like that. You were right. I should never have put the barbeque grill that close.
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Bob Russell
What about Buck? I'm sure he'd be happy to watch the kids.
Cindy Russell
This is no time to discuss your brother. I don't want him here.
Bob Russell
It's just a thought.
Cindy Russell
He isn't married. He doesn't have kids. He doesn't even work!
Bob Russell
He's a little out there. But he's responsible, and he's family.
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Miles
...NUTS!
[snaps his fingers]
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Tia
Hey, Mom. Next time you take off in the middle of the night, why don't you hire a murderer to watch the house? this guys a joke he drinks and today he took off and left miles and Maysey by themselves.
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Party Guest
I wouldn't go in there with that hat
Buck
Thanks for the tip!
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Tia Russell
If my whole family moved away from me, I'd have a heart attack too.
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Buck
Art Linkletter was right. Kids do say the God damndest things.
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Maisey Russell
I don't know why we need boys at all. They're so loud.
Maisey Russell
Shut up, yourself!
Tia Russell
We need boys, so they can grow up, get married, and turn into shadows.
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Tia Russell
Have a bad day today? It hurts when someone screws with your life, doesn't it?
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Maisy Russell
They have rent-a-shoes!
Tia
And rent-a-foot disease!
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Buck
Chanice, I'll be honest with you. If I could think of an excuse that you would buy, I'd use it.
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Buck
stand me up today and ill drive you to school in my robe and slippers and walk you to your first class is 4 oclock ok?
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Tia Russell
did you do anything to bug? oh my god what did you do?
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Buck
The guy's a predator and you're his prey
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Buck
Have you seen the Bug around? No? I'm looking for him.
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[first lines]
Tia
Get your bag off the table, people eat there.
Maisey Russell
People eat off of plates.
Tia
Don't give me any crap, Maizy.
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Anita
I've been an educator for 31.3 years, and in that time I've seen a lot of bad eggs. I say "eggs", because at the elementary level we are not dealing with fully developed individuals. I see a bad egg when I look at your niece. She is a twiddler, a dreamer, a silly heart, she is a jabberbox. And frankly, I don't think she takes a thing in her life or her career as a student seriously.
Buck
She's only six.
Anita
That is not a valid excuse! I hear that everyday, and I dismiss it.
Buck
I don't think I want to know a six year old who isn't a dreamer or a silly heart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree, I don't even have a job.
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Cindy Russell
When Dad goes to New York, I'm going to take a week off work.
Tia Russell
So you can interview new housekeepers?
Cindy Russell
I've had enough of your ugliness.
Tia Russell
Oh really?
Cindy Russell
Mm-hmm. We're all just a little tired of the act.
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Bob Russell
buck its your brother Cindy's dad had a heart attack we need to Indianapolis as soon as possible but need someone to watch the kids so if aren't doing anything.
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Mr. Hatfield
For crying out loud! It's two a.m.!
Bob Russell
Sorry Mr. Hatfield!
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buck
I had some where very important I needed to be tonight. This may be peanuts to your dad but its how I make a living. I don't care what you're parents are going to say I have to take you guys with me tonight. To a race track
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Bug
this room taken i said this rooms taken if that opens I'm going to kick somebody's ass.
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Cindy Russell
Now is not the time to be discussing your brother i dont want him hear. he isent married he doesn't have kids he doesn't even work, those trashy people that he hangs out that women that sells tires. the horse racing the gambling. hes not the kind of person i fell comfortable leaving my kids with.
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Chanice Kobolowski
[into a phone; angry tone] Yeah? Uh... Kobolowski Tires.
Buck Russell
[into the phone] Chanice, it's me.
Chanice Kobolowski
Buck? Can't you take a hint?
Buck Russell
No, Chanice. Wait. Don't hang up on me again. This isn't about us. I have a problem here at the house. I need someone to watch the kids for a few hours.
Chanice Kobolowski
No, I'll tell you what you need. Your horse fixer is in town and you need to get to the racetrack. I ran into your friend Rogs this afternoon while I was at lunch. He told me all about it. Can you believe this? The idiot had the nerve to ask me for a loan! What's the matter, Buck? You can't take children with you when you're going to cheat on a horse race? You actually got some religion from staying out there in the burbs?
Buck Russell
I came close. I had them in car.
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