Osmosis Jones Movie Quotes
Thrax
Ebola? Let me tell you something about Ebola, baby. Ebola is a case of DANDRUFF compared to me!
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Osmosis
We were so poor, we lived off peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches! You ever try to blow-dry your hair with a fart?
Drix
OK, I get it. You were poor.
Osmosis
You bet I was! You ever try to make a snowman out of toilet paper cling-ons? Now that's poor!
Drix
OK, please, you're going to make me vomit!
Osmosis
Vomit? We couldn't afford no vomit; that's for rich folk.
Drix
Excuse me while I wipe my eyes.
Osmosis
Oh, you wanna talk about wiping?
Drix
NO!
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Osmosis
Next time, I'll be the bad cop.
Drix
You ARE a bad cop!
Osmosis
Yo, who you calling a bad cop?
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Leah
Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you?
Osmosis
What you talking about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me!
Leah
Oh really? 'Cause to me you look like the kind of cell who mostly divides with himself.
Osmosis
Whoa! Who turned off the heat? Somebody pay the bill? It's cold in here.
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Latino Germ
La Muerte, man! Esta aqui! He's gonna kill us dead, hombre!
Osmosis
No, no. Talk English, man. We ain't on Telemundo here.
Latino Germ
La Muerte Roja! He's coming, man! I saw him!
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Thrax
Careful. I'm contagious.
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[Osmosis and Drix arrive at the zit]
Drix
My, what big zits he has. How does this happen?
Osmosis
You wash your face with fried chicken, that's how!
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Osmosis
In the words of the immortal James Brown - GET DOWN!
Drix
James who?
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Drix
Where did you study?
Osmosis
Study? When you grow up on the wrong side of the digestive track, you ain't got no money for no fancy schools.
Drix
Oh...
Osmosis
I'm not kiddin', man. My school was Crack Central.
Drix
Oh?
Osmosis
No, it was IN the crack. Right in the stanky, puckered center.
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Bruiser
What's so funny?
Joe Cramp
I don't know.
Thrax
They're making this too easy! Hahaha! You know, in all of the bodies I've been in no one has ever gotten wise to me and now, for the first time, an immunity cell has figured out everything and they don't believe him!
[Bruiser and Joe Cramp laugh]
Thrax
Can you taste the irony in that?
[Bruiser and Joe Cramp laugh again]
Thrax
SHUT UP! What are you two laughing at? Alright, we're back on schedule.
Bruiser
But, boss. We are the only ones left. Maybe we should incubate for a while?
Thrax
You incubate! I said forty eight hours, I'm going to make my deadline.
[Thrax kills both germs and destroys the gas station off-screen]
Thrax
Medical books aren't written about losers!
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Thrax
This here little DNA bead comes from a little girl in Riverside, California, didn't like to wash her hands. Took me three whole weeks. And this one, nice lady in Detroit, Mowtown - six days flat. And there's this old guy in Philly - I killed him in 72 hours. Yeah, I'm getting better as I go along, baby, but the problem is I never set a record - until my man Frank that is. I'm gonna take him down in 48 hours! Get my own chapter in the medical books!
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Thrax
You know what, Jones? You want this chain so bad, Big Daddy Thrax is gonna let you have it!
[Thrax starts strangling Osmosis Jones with chain]
Thrax
Looks good on you, Jones! You wear it well! Too bad you had to come this far from home just to die!
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Osmosis
[looking at a centerfold in DNA Monthly]
Nice genes. You got the chromosomes in all the right places.
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Osmosis
Did you know my great-great-grandpappy fought the measles? Yup, there's been a Jones on the force ever since my ancestors came over on the umbilical cord.
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Drix
Special Agent Drixobenzometaphedrimine... Drixenol! The brand that eases your coughs and sneezes. Warning - do not exceed recommended dosage. If symptoms persist, consult a physician. May cause drowsiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery. Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets.
Osmosis
Wow! I'm feeling better already.
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[last lines]
Frank
[farts]
Shane
Dad!
Frank
Was that you?
Shane
Uh-uh.
Frank
Oh, well. Out with the old, in with the new, huh?
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Leah
Come here, baby. I'm still Jonesin' for a little more Osmosis.
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Reporter
What do you have to say to all the hair follicles recently laid off form the scalp?
Mayor Phlegming
There will be plenty of new jobs for everyone on the back.
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Thrax
Whew... this cat was sick before I even got here!
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Thrax
Who are you?
Osmosis
Who am I? Who am I? Ah, Bad Booty-shaking Pickanosis, yeah! That's who I am!
Thrax
I never heard of ya.
Osmosis
That's 'cause you just got here! You ask any of these suckers, when it comes to illin', Bad Booty-shaking Pickanosis stands avove all the rest!
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Thrax
What is that nasty smell?
Drix
Cherry. Wild cherry. Now let her go.
Thrax
Why? So you can ice me again?
Osmosis
No, so I can!
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Bob
Listen. Why don't you sit her down and tell her that if anything ever happens to you, I will take care of her. Okay? I will raise her, I will nurture her, I will love her, and then when she's sixteen, I'll boot her out the door.
Frank
Sixteen?
Bob
Well, yeah. I not going to mommy her forever, okay? I mean, sixteen, sure.
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Drix
Virus con Dios!
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Dispatcher
Suspect is headed towards the uvula. Repeat: headed towards the uvula.
Osmosis
What the heck is a uvula?
Drix
It's that little dangly hing that hangs down in Frank's...
Osmosis
Boxer shorts! Okay, here we go!
Drix
Not that little dangly thing! The one in his throat!
Osmosis
I knew that. I know that.
[the car drives off in the wrong way and towards the uvula]
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Dispatcher
[Deleted scene] Suspect is headed towards the uvula. Repeat: headed towards the uvula.
Osmosis
What the hell is a uvula?
Drix
It's that little dangly hing that hangs down in Frank's...
Osmosis
Boxer shorts! Okay, here we go!
Drix
Not that little dangly thing! The one in his throat!
Osmosis
I knew that. I know that.
[the car drives off in the wrong way and towards the uvula before it felt the heartburn]
Osmosis
I know that rumble! Come on, I know a shortcut.
Drix
I don't like the sound of that. Heartburn? That sign said Heartburn!
Osmosis
Yeah, I saw what it said. I could read.
[the car went inside the throat]
Drix
That's pure stomach acid! Are you mad? We'll be killed!
Osmosis
You got a better way?
Frank
What's the opposite of... inbound?
Bob
Outbound?
[Frank belches, making Ozzy and Drix close to the uvula]
Bob
Boy. Thanks for the warning, there, Prince Charles. Frank? Are you with me? Hello? Hey.
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Frank
99 kinds of wings! 128 different dipping sauces! You love math, crunch the numbers on that - and tell me the possibilities aren't INFINITE!
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Drix
[Deleted scene] The eye? What are we doing here? Do I have to remind you that I am on a strict twelve hour time release program? First the throat, then the nose, then the aches and pains.
Osmosis
Yeah, I got it. Real important stuff. Now, get your butt out of my car!
Drix
Oh! I don't even have a butt. Officer, if I don't get to the sinuses, my entire relief mission could be jeopardized.
Osmosis
Yo, it's time we take a look at the big picture. See? The Big F. He's the one we're here to protect and serve. I mean, just look at him. Doesn't he make you want to be a better cell?
Drix
Ew! I see why you feel such a strong connection.
Osmosis
Hey, watch it! Show the man some respect! He's the reason all of us are here.
Drix
Take me to the nose.
Osmosis
Dude, just wait in the car. I got police work to do. Uh, could you get me one glazed and one with the jelly-filled nucleus?
Librarian
Brain Memory Library. Can I help you?
Osmosis
You got any information on something called El Morry Rojo?
Librarian
Stand by while I check, but we're really all about sports statistics here. Sir?
Osmosis
Yeah, I'm here. What you got?
Librarian
La Muerte Roja, that's Spanish. It means the Red Death.
Osmosis
The Red Death? What's that? Some kind of taco sauce?
Librarian
Now, you have a nice day.
Osmosis
Hello? Yo, Drips! You ever hear of the Red Death?
Drix
That's Drix.
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[Osmosis is at the theater watching one of Frank's dreams when the screen appears to burn up]
Osmosis
Thrax is alive! Thrax is alive and he's in the brain!
Cell
Oh, great, pal! Spoil the ending.
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[Drix is at the bladder, about to board the next barge out]
Osmosis
Drix! Yo, Drix! Get your time-released butt off this boat. Thrax is alive! Let's go!
Drix
I'm sorry, Osmosis, I can't help you.
Osmosis
Excuse me?
Drix
I wasn't designed to combat a virus. Read my label.
Osmosis
You gotta learn to think outside the pill box, man. I've known sugar pills who cured cancer, just because they believed they could.
Drix
Oh, I don't know, Ozzy. Look at me. I'm cherry flavored.
Conductor
Hey, pal. You on or off?
Osmosis
Fine. Flush your life down the toilet.
Conductor
The zipper's down. All ashore who's going ashore.
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Osmosis
Yo, you didn't see this thing. This ain't no ordinary household germ. This thing's bigger than all of us; it's big even for Frank's body! It's like a
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Osmosis
Al Roker germ, a Heavy D germ!
Cop
You talkin' about this?
[holds a short, dumpy germ; all laugh]
Osmosis
Yeah, uh... y'know, he's slouching right now.
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Librarian
Brain Memory Library. Can I help you?
Osmosis
You got any information about something called "El Morry Roho"?
Librarian
Stand by. I'll check, but we're really all about sports statistics here.
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Anchorman
Things are looking grim, as temperatures rise to dangerous levels! We have lost contact with the lower extremities! NNN will stay on the air as long as possible!
Anchorwoman
In other news, house appliances that can improve your golf swing.
Anchorman
You... you silly twit. Don't you get it? We are going to die!
Anchorwoman
I knew it, Dan! At the sight of the first dark cloud, you fall apart!
Anchorman
Moron!
Anchorwoman
Phony!
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Scabies
Did the foot fungus pay up yet?
Joe Cramp
Nah, that guy's gettin' flaky on us.
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Osmosis
So, where you from, tough stuff?
Drix
I was developed at the University of Chicago, where I graduated Phi Beta Capsule.
Osmosis
Great, got me a college boy...
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Mayor Phlegming
Good evening, citizens of Frank. In the past few weeks of the campaign, my opponent has thrown around a lot of fancy words to try to confuse the issues. Words like "exercise," "low-fat," and "diet" - words designed to scare us into changing what has worked for so many years. Well, I say let's stay the course. Remember, a fat Frank is a happy Frank.
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Ms. Boyd
What a zit!... I mean, what is it? What is it? What do you want?
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Thrax
Too bad you won't be here to see me break my record when I take down Frank's pretty little girl.
Osmosis
She ain't goin' down. You are!
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Osmosis
Man, what you been eatin'?
Drix
That's my effervescent propulsion.
Osmosis
A'ight. But we're drivin' with the windows open. I don't want none of those fruitybubbles stinking up my ride. You got that?
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Leah
Mayor, something freaky is going on with the weather.
Mayor Phlegming
We're probably just drinking some hot coffee.
Leah
Sir, look at the maps. What if Jones is right?
Mayor Phlegming
Jones? Ha ha ha! Funny, funny.
Leah
You care more about your stupid re-election than you care about all our lives. Something is going on, and I'm going to the hypothalamus to check it out.
Mayor Phlegming
Hypowhothewhatisit? Leah, wait! Who's gonna answer the phones?
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Drix
[Deleted scene, Drix and Ozzy are in an ocean of mucus]
Well, this is a fine mess you've gotten us into.
Osmosis
Me? What are you talking about? You've got a lot of nerve.
Drix
Oh, don't act so innocent. When I first entered this body,
Osmosis
Uh, Drix.
Drix
I knew things would be difficult but I never imagined I would have to work...
Osmosis
Uh, Drix.
Drix
Quiet, I'm not finished!
Osmosis
Hey! Look, Drix! Look behind you! We're about to be wiped under a table!
Drix
What? Ah! Jones! Jones!
Osmosis
Give me your hand!
Drix
We're going to die!
Bob
Jeez, Frank, I'm standing right here. Can you... uh... use a tissue or something?
Frank
I don't have one.
Bob
Well, use your imagination.
Frank
What's that over there?
[Frank swallows his mucus]
Frank
Better?
Bob
Much better.
Frank
I gotta go get her.
Bob
Alright.
Frank
She'll be excited. She'll probably call you.
Bob
Good.
Drix
If it wasn't for you, none of this would have ever happened. Now, if you'll excuse me, I
[Drix is coughing]
Drix
have a nose to dry.
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Bob
Jeez, Frank, I'm standing right here. Can you use a tissue?
Frank
I don't have one.
Bob
Well, use your imagination.
Frank
What's that over there?
[Frank swallows his mucus]
Frank
Better?
Bob
Much better.
Frank
I gotta go get her.
Bob
Alright.
Frank
She'll be excited. She'll probably call you.
Bob
Good.
Drix
If it wasn't for you, none of this would have ever happened. Now, if you'll excuse me, I
[Drix is coughing]
Drix
have a nose to dry.
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Osmosis
Yo, where do you think you're going?
Drix
To get our cootie.
Osmosis
Looking like that? They'll tear you apart. You gotta get spiffy.
Drix
Spiffy?
[Osmosis rearranges himself to look like a germ]
Osmosis
Check it out!
Drix
Hmm. Flexible cellular dynamics. What an ingenious defense mechanism. Ooh, let me try!
[Drix tries, only succedes in mangling his face]
Drix
What do you think?
Osmosis
I think you should guard the car.
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Osmosis
I never thought you'd be on MY side!
Drix
I never thought you'd be right.
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Dream Enthusiast
Excuse me sir, would you like to see a free screening? We've got a live theater broadcasting dreams all the way from the subconscious in the brain.
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Drix
I don't dance. I... I have no left feet.
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Anchorman
Things are grim as temperatures rise dangerously. We've lost contact with the extremities. NNN will stay on the air as long as possible.
Anchorwoman
When we return, household appliances that can improve your golf swing.
Anchorman
You silly twit, don't you get it? We're going to die!
Anchorwoman
I knew it. At the first dark cloud, you fall apart.
[the two start fighting]
Anchorman
Moron!
Anchorwoman
Phony!
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Osmosis
You want Osmosis?
Drix
You've got Osmosis!
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Drix
I'd like to examine your irritated areas.
Osmosis
Wooh, never on the first date, Drips!
Drix
That's Drix.
Osmosis
That's what I said.
Drix
No, I think you said Drips, with a P.
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[the cold pill arrives in the stomach]
Leah
Wow, this is huge.
Osmosis
Don't be all impressed, 'cause 99% of that is just sugar you know.
Leah
Yeah, and 99% of you is just stupid.
Osmosis
Ooh, like I haven't heard that one before.
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Osmosis
That's Chill, he's a flu shot.
Drix
Funny. He doesn't look fluish.
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Shane
Don't you ever think about anyone other than yourself?
Frank
I think about you all the time.
Shane
Were you thinking about me when you packed me a fried Slim Jim sandwich for lunch?
Frank
Yeah, it was a turkey Slim Jim!
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Frank
Hey, partner, what you got there?
Oyster Boy
Oh, these? These are polluted oysters. Well, they WERE polluted. I replanted them in six weeks ago. That's how long the state says you gotta do it for. And every time the tide came in, it flushed all the bad stuff out.
Frank
Can you eat 'em?
Oyster Boy
Well, if my hypotenuse is correct...
[hesitantly]
Oyster Boy
sure. Y-y-yeah, definitely.
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Chill
Hey, I was injected into this body to rat on influenza only, and this don't sound like influenza to me. Now, beat it.
Osmosis
I bet Johnny Streptococcus and the Melanoma family would be very interested to know about your flu shot work.
Chill
You can't jack me on that, brother. I'm in the Virus Protection Program.
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Bob
Hey muscles! You don't look so good.
Frank
I feel a little fluey.
Bob
You know what they say; starve a cold, drown the flu. Your body needs fluids now, lots of 'em.
Frank
Is beer fluid?
Bob
Of course it's fluid. What about all that wet stuff in it?
Frank
I thought that was the beer.
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[believing Drix has given up, Osmosis is about to leave]
Drix
Jones? You really knew a sugar pill that cured cancer?
[the two drive away with Drix leaving behind the scroll of conditions that used to be on his arm]
Drix
Let's go catch a cold!
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Police Chief
Jones, in my office!
Osmosis Jones
Hey, hey! Who died? Other than Thrax, that is.
[turns to Leah]
Osmosis Jones
Brandy, I mean Leah, what are you doing here?
Mayor Phlegming
You really did it now, Jones.
Osmosis Jones
Mr. Mayor! I didn't see you back there!
Mayor Phlegming
Disregarding orders, destruction of public fresh, popping a pimple without a permit! What the heck were you doing there?
Osmosis Jones
What was I doing? I was promoting good health, sir!
Mayor Phlegming
Oh, is that what you call it.
Drix
Sir, he was a lethal virus, if we hadn't stop him.
Osmosis Jones
We'd be fried eggs off of Frank's butt!
Mayor Phlegming
Watch your mouth, kid, talk like that could cause a panic!
Osmosis Jones
At least, that would start people thinking about what's going on in this body, instead of thinking about some stupid trip!
Drix
Okay, Jones. You want us to start thinking? Well, here's a thought: YOU'RE FIRED!
[Osmosis Jones began to shocked]
Drix
Uh, sir.
Leah
Mr. Mayor.
Mayor Phlegming
I'll need your badge, mister.
Osmosis Jones
Figures... I finally do something for Frank and I get fired.
[puts the badges on the table. Osmosis glares at Leah and leaves]
Leah
Osmosis.
Drix
Please, without Jones, Frank could have been a mortal danger.
Mayor Phlegming
Ohh, mortal danger, mmm. You'd love to prove that, wouldn't you, Drixenol? Get your name written up in the New England journal of medicine. Son, do me a favor and read what it says on your arm.
Drix
[sees that on his arm]
For the temporary relief of symptoms associated with...
Mayor Phlegming
Exactly. Temporary. You're nothing but a wannabe, a placebo, a generic brand, marked down over the counter useless tic-tac!
[Drix gasps, shocked in horror]
Mayor Phlegming
Now, get out of my BODY!
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Drix
Attention, germs! You are surrounded! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, surrounded!
Osmosis
Yo, Hammer! You can stop dancing!
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Mayor Phlegming
Son, do me a favor and read what it says on your arm.
Drix
'For the temporary relief of symptoms associated with... '
Mayor Phlegming
Exactly! Temporary. You're nothing but a wannabe, a placebo, a generic brand. Marked-down, over-the-counter, useless Tic-Tac! NOW, GET OUT OF MY BODY!
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Frank
Honey, the reason that monkeys eat so many fruits and vegetables is because they're not smart enough to butcher a cow. Your mother - God bless her soul - didn't believe the old-fashioned ideas about nursing and breast-feeding and all that. Uh-uh. You were fed cheeseburgers as a baby, and look at you. You're as big as a house, you're as strong as a bull, you smell like a cow. Your cholesterol's probably a little high, but they have medicince for that now; you can get an angioplasty, get it all cleared out.
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Osmosis
Yo! You see this badge? You see this gun? You see this gooey, white saccus membranous 'round my personhood?... Well, you dealin' with a white blood cell here! I should be out in the veins, fighting disease, not in the mouth on tartar control.
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Police Chief
Hey, Ozzy, can I count on you to keep Frank in shape? You know we've got that big insurance exam next month.
Osmosis
I don't know. You'll have to talk to my new parter... if he feels like hanging around for a while.
Drix
But my work visa has expired.
Osmosis
Well, we'll go down to the hemorrhoid and get you a good lawyer.
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Osmosis
You up spit creek without a paddle. Don't make me mad, 'cause I will turn into a germicidal maniac.
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Mayor Phlegming
You keep those ideas inside that mushy little head of yours, or you'll find yourself in our next nosebleed.
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Scabies
Bruiser, take this punk up to the face and bury him in a blackhead. When we're done, It'll take a Swedish facialist six steaming washcloths to get you out.
Thrax
Hmmm. Sounds like a gas, baby. Bring it on.
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