Arsenic and Old Lace Movie Quotes
Mortimer Brewster
Look I probably should have told you this before but you see... well... insanity runs in my family...
[he hears Abby and Martha singing]
Mortimer Brewster
It practically gallops.
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[last lines]
Mortimer Brewster
No, no. I'm not a Brewster. I'm the son of a sea-cook! Ha! Ha! Chaaaaarrrge!
[he runs off across the cemetary]
Cab Driver
And I'm not a cab driver, I'm a coffee pot!
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Mortimer Brewster
Look, you can't do things like that! Now, I don't know how I can explain this to you. But, it's not only against the law, its wrong!
Martha Brewster
Oh, piffle!
Mortimer Brewster
It's not a nice thing to do. People wouldn't understand. He wouldn't understand. What I mean is... Well... This is developing into a very bad habit!
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Mortimer Brewster
The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt.
Teddy Brewster
Code for Roosevelt?
Mortimer Brewster
Yes. Don't you see? Take the name Brewster, take away the B, and what have you got?
Teddy Brewster
Rooster!
Mortimer Brewster
Uh-huh. And what does a rooster do?
Teddy Brewster
Crows.
Mortimer Brewster
It crows. And where do you hunt in Africa?
Teddy Brewster
On the veldt!
Mortimer Brewster
There you are: crows - veldt!
Teddy Brewster
Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department.
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[Elaine is impatient to leave on the honeymoon]
Elaine Harper
But, darling - Niagara Falls.
Mortimer Brewster
It does? Well, let it.
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[discussing the body count]
Dr. Einstein
You got twelve, they got twelve.
[angrily grabs Dr. Einstein's necktie]
Jonathan Brewster
I've got thirteen!
Dr. Einstein
No, Johnny, twelve - don't brag.
Jonathan Brewster
Thirteen! There's Mr. Spinalzo and the first one in London, two in Johannesburg, one in Sydney, one in Melbourne, two in San Francisco, one in Phoenix, Arizona...
Dr. Einstein
Phoenix?
Jonathan Brewster
The filling station...
Dr. Einstein
Filling station? Oh!
[slits throat]
Dr. Einstein
Yes.
Jonathan Brewster
Then three in Chicago and one in South Bend. That makes thirteen.
Dr. Einstein
You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia!
Jonathan Brewster
He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him!
Dr. Einstein
No, no, Johnny. You cannot count him. You got twelve, they got twelve. The old ladies is just as good as you are!
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Elaine Harper
But Mortimer, you're going to love me for my mind, too.
Mortimer Brewster
One thing at a time!
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Aunt Martha
For a gallon of elderberry wine, I take one teaspoon full of arsenic, then add half a teaspoon full of strychnine, and then just a pinch of cyanide.
Mortimer Brewster
Hmm. Should have quite a kick.
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Mortimer Brewster
Mr. President, may I have the pleasure of presenting...
Teddy Brewster
Doctor Livingston?
Dr. Gilchrist
Livingstone?
Mortimer Brewster
Uh, well, that's what he presumes.
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Mortimer Brewster
When I come back, I expect to find you gone. Wait for me!
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Mortimer Brewster
Aunt Abby, how can I believe you? There are twelve men down in the cellar and you admit you poisoned them.
Aunt Abby Brewster
Yes, I did. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib.
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Mortimer Brewster
Look, Aunt Martha, men don't just get into window seats and die!
Abby Brewster
We know, dear. He died first.
Mortimer Brewster
Wait a minute! Stop all this. Now, look, darling, how did he die?
Abby Brewster
Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.
Mortimer Brewster
How did the poison get in the wine?
Martha Brewster
Well, we put it in wine, because it's less noticeable. When it's in tea, it has a distinct odor.
Mortimer Brewster
You mean, you... You put it in the wine!
Abby Brewster
Yes. And I put Mr. Hoskins in the window seat, because Reverend Harper was coming.
Mortimer Brewster
Now, look at me, darling. You mean, you mean you knew what you'd done and you didn't want the Reverend Harper to see the body?
Abby Brewster
Well, not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice.
Mortimer Brewster
Oh, it's first-degree.
Abby Brewster
Now, Mortimer, you know all about it and just forget about it. I do think that Aunt Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets.
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Reverend Harper
Have you ever tried to persuade him that he wasn't Teddy Roosevelt?
Abby Brewster
Oh, no.
Martha Brewster
Oh, he's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.
Abby Brewster
Oh... Do you remember, Martha, once, a long time ago, we thought if he'd be George Washington, it might be a change for him, and we suggested it.
Martha Brewster
And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody.
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Lt. Rooney
Who are you? What's your name?
Mortimer Brewster
Well, usually I'm Mortimer Brewster, but I'm not quite myself today.
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[on the telephone]
Mortimer Brewster
Hello... Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure?
[hangs up]
Mortimer Brewster
Well, then I must be here.
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Officer Patrick O'Hara
[to Sgt. Brophy, about Jonathon]
Look at that puss. He looks like Boris Karloff.
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Teddy Brewster
Yes, Doctor, I'll run for a third term, but I won't be elected. That will be the last of the Roosevelts in the White House.
Dr. Gilchrist
That's what you think!
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Mortimer Brewster
I saw a play last week, it had a character in it, reminded me of Jonathon.
Abby Brewster
Oh, really?
Mortimer Brewster
Yeah, a honey of a lunatic. One of those whodunits called "Murder Will Out".
Abby Brewster
Oh, dear!
Mortimer Brewster
Yeah, what a play. When the curtain goes up the first thing you see is a dead body. The next thing...
[opens the window seat and finds a dead body]
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Dr. Einstein
You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he know something about us, what happens?
Jonathan Brewster
We come to him for help, and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff!
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Mortimer Brewster
I probably should have told you this before but, you see, well... insanity runs in my family.
[He hears Abby and Martha singing]
Mortimer Brewster
It practically gallops!
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Teddy Brewster
Mr. Witherfork!
Mr. Witherspoon
Spoon!
[Mortimer hands him a spoon]
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Teddy Brewster
[showing Einstein a photo]
This is the picture I was telling you about, General. Here we are, both of us. President Roosevelt and General Goethals. That's me, General, and that's you.
Dr. Einstein
My how I've changed.
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Teddy Brewster
[Mr. Witherspoon has just met Teddy and Teddy pulls Mortimer aside]
Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out?
Mortimer Brewster
Who?
Teddy Brewster
[points to Mr. Witherspoon]
Taft!
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Dr. Einstein
Where am I? Oh, here I am.
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[speaking of a character in a play he has seen]
Mortimer Brewster
He sits there *waiting* to be tied up and gagged!
[laughs]
Mortimer Brewster
The big dope!
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Cab Driver
Hey! $22.50!
Mortimer Brewster
What?
Cab Driver
$22.50!
Mortimer Brewster
Oh, yes, looks good on you!
Cab Driver
Yeah. Not the suit, the meter!
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Mortimer Brewster
[trying to make Jonathan leave]
Now, Jonathon. Be a good fellow. Here's ten dollars. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel?
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Jonathan Brewster
[pulling on surgical gloves]
And now doctor... we go to work!
Dr. Einstein
No, Johnny. I cannot operate without a drink!
Jonathan Brewster
Pull yourself together, doctor!
Dr. Einstein
I cannot pull myself together without a drink!
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Mortimer Brewster
But there's a body in the window seat!
Aunt Abby
Yes, dear, we know.
Mortimer Brewster
You know?
Martha Brewster
Of course!
Aunt Abby
Yes, but it has nothing to do with Teddy. Now, Mortimer, you just forget about it. Forget you ever saw the gentleman.
Mortimer Brewster
Forget?
Aunt Abby
We never dreamed you'd peek.
Mortimer Brewster
What the...?
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Martha Brewster
[about the men they have poisoned]
Let me see, now. This is eleven, isn't it, Abby?
Abby Brewster
Oh, no, dear. This makes twelve.
Martha Brewster
Abby, dear. I think you're wrong. This one is only eleven.
Abby Brewster
No, dear, because I remember when Mr. Hoskins first came in, it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen.
Martha Brewster
But, Abby, dear. I really don't think you should count the first one.
Abby Brewster
Oh, I was counting the first one, and that makes it twelve.
Martha Brewster
It does? Well, she's probably right. Abby usually is. I get them mixed up sometimes.
Mortimer Brewster
Makes it twelve? Twelve.
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Mortimer Brewster
Even the cat's in on it!
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Teddy Brewster
[as Theodore Roosevelt]
I'll be in my office vetoing bills.
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Teddy Brewster
[His first line]
I must be catching cold.
Abby Brewster
No, dear, it was Reverend Harper who sneezed.
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Jonathan Brewster
[to Dr. Einstein]
This is the home of my youth... As a boy, I couldn't wait to escape from this house. Now, I'm glad to escape back into it.
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Mortimer Brewster
[watching the fighting, lighting up a cigarette]
Go on - fight, fight. I don't care.
Mortimer Brewster
[watching the police trying to bring down Jonathan with a shoe]
Oh, don't do that. It never works.
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Martha Brewster
[to Mortimer]
One of our gentlemen found time to say "How delicious"!
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Cab Driver
Hey, you! Five more bucks and you'll own it!
Mortimer Brewster
Oh, no thanks! It wouldn't fit me!
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Mortimer Brewster
[introducing Teddy to Gilchrist]
Oh, uh, Mr. President, may I have the pleasure of introducing...
Teddy Brewster
Dr. Livingstone!
Dr. Gilchrist
Livingstone?
Mortimer Brewster
Yeah, well, that's what he presumes.
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[to Jonathan]
Mortimer Brewster
Where did you get that face? Hollywood?
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Jonathan Brewster
Teddy, I think it's time for you to go to bed.
Teddy Brewster
I beg your pardon. Who are you?
Jonathan Brewster
I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed!
Teddy Brewster
No, you're not Wilson, but you're face is familiar. Let me see. You're not anyone I know now - perhaps later on my hunting trip to Africa. Yes, you look like someone I might meet in the jungle.
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Mortimer Brewster
All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Amazing.
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Cab Driver
I knew this would end up in the nuthouse.
Mr. Witherspoon
[offended]
We like to think of it as a rest home!
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Aunt Abby Brewster
Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth?
Mortimer Brewster
Oh, Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now.
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[Meeting with Dr. Gilchrist in the cemetery]
Mortimer Brewster
Pull up a tombstone!
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Mortimer Brewster
What is this? Did everybody in Brooklyn know I was going to get married except me?
Martha Brewster
We knew you'd find out about it in time.
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Elaine Harper
[Mortimer is feeling amorous in the cemetery with Elaine]
Mortimer! Right out here in the open with everyone looking?
Mortimer Brewster
Yes, right out here in the open with everyone looking. Let everyone in Brooklyn over sixteen look!
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Dr. Einstein
At least people in plays act like they've got sense.
Mortimer Brewster
Oh, you think so? Did you ever see anybody in a play act like they got any intelligence?
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Mortimer Brewster
Now look, darling, how did he die?
Abby Brewster
Oh, Mortimer, don't be so inquisitive. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.
Mortimer Brewster
Well, how did the poison get in the wine?
Martha Brewster
Well, we put in wine because it's less noticeable. When it's in tea it has a distinct odor.
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Mortimer Brewster
[on the telephone]
Yes, operator, I'd like the Happy Dale Sanatorium, Happy Dale, New York. Come on, operator, what's taking so long? They're just across the river. I could swim it faster! No, I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry. I want the Happy Dale Sanatorium. Sanatorium, sanatorium, sanatorium. Yes, yes, like a broken record. Hello - what? They're busy? Busy? Look, they're busy and you're dizzy. No, I am not drunk, madam, but you've given me an idea.
[throws down the phone in disgust]
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Jonathan Brewster
Tonight, we are taking care of Mortimer.
Dr. Einstein
But, Johnny, not tonight. I'm sleepy. We'll do it tomorrow, or the next day.
Jonathan Brewster
Look at me, Doctor. You can see that it's got to be done, can't you?
Dr. Einstein
Yeah, I know that look.
Jonathan Brewster
It's a little late to dissolve our partnership.
Dr. Einstein
Okay, okay, Johnny. Okay, we'll do it. But the quick way, huh? The quick twist like in London.
Jonathan Brewster
No, Doctor. I think this calls for something special. I think, perhaps, the Melbourne method.
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Mortimer Brewster
Certainly there are thirteen bodies in the cellar and there are hundreds more in the attic!
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[to Mortimer]
Elaine Harper
We were married today. We were going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Your brother tries to kill me. A taxi is waiting and now you want to sleep on a window seat. You can take the honeymoon, your wedding ring, your taxi, your window seat, and put 'em in a barrel and push 'em all over Niagara Falls!
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[speaking of the Brewster sisters]
Police Sgt. Brophy
They're two of the dearest, sweetest, kindest, old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like, they're like pressed rose leaves.
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Elaine Harper
Now, wait a minute! Listen! You can't marry me one minute and throw me out of the house the next.
Mortimer Brewster
I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here?
[pushes her out and slams the door; Mr. Gibbs is standing on the porch holding a newspaper]
Elaine Harper
Mortimer!
Mortimer Brewster
[picks up the phone]
I'm sorry, Judge. But a thing happened. Look, Judge... About Teddy... you see, he's...
Elaine Harper
Mortimer!
Mortimer Brewster
[into the phone]
You see, Judge, it's his bugle blowing. Yes, the neighbors have been complaining, and the police are all set to throw him into a state institution.
Elaine Harper
How do you like that...
Mr. Gibbs
I read an ad here about a room to rent...
Elaine Harper
Oh, shut up!
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[Explaining to Elaine why they shouldn't be married]
Mortimer Brewster
You wouldn't want to have children with three heads, would you? I mean, you wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. Oh, it would be bad.
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Police Sgt. Brophy
Look, Sergeant, I promised ya I wouldn't swear but what the he -
[stops, noticing the Reverend]
Police Sgt. Brophy
What's goin' on here anyway?
Reverend Harper
Oh, he's quite harmless.
Police Sgt. Brophy
Thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. So what? There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was.
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Mortimer Brewster
Wait outside.
Dr. Gilchrist
But it's Halloween!
Mortimer Brewster
Oh, don't worry about Halloween. The pixies won't be out till after midnight.
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[singing]
Mortimer Brewster
There is a Happydale, far, far away...
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Jonathan Brewster
[threatening Mortimer]
If you tell O'Hara what's in the window seat, I'll tell him what's in the cellar.
Mortimer Brewster
Cellar?
Jonathan Brewster
There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead.
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Jonathan Brewster
[to Dr. Einstein]
This time, I want the face of an absolute non-enity!
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Mortimer Brewster
You didn't want the reverend to see the body?
Aunt Abby
Well, not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice.
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Mortimer Brewster
[Stopping Teddy from playing his bugle]
No, no, no. Don't do that, Mister President.
Teddy Brewster
But I cannot sign any proclamation without consulting my Cabinet.
Mortimer Brewster
This must be secret.
Teddy Brewster
A secret proclamation? How unusual.
Mortimer Brewster
Yes, it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow.
Teddy Brewster
Who's the other fellow?
Mortimer Brewster
That's the secret.
Teddy Brewster
Oh, I see! Very clever.
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Martha Brewster
Are you leaving, Doctor?
Dr. Einstein
Yes, please.
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Mr. Witherspoon
[to himself]
Another Roosevelt? Oh, dear, dear.
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Mortimer Brewster
[to Mr. Gibbs]
You... Get out of here! D'ya wanna be poisoned? D'ya wanna be murdered? D'ya wanna be killed?
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Teddy Brewster
[after charging up the stairs]
Charge the blockhouse!
Reverend Harper
Blockhouse?
Aunt Abby
Yes. The stairs are always San Juan Hill.
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Aunt Abby
[to Mortimer]
Now, Mortimer, you behave. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this!
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[after finding the dead body in the window seat]
Mortimer Brewster
But - what happened to him?
Martha Brewster
[cheerfully]
He died.
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[after listening to Mortimer's description of a character in a play]
Dr. Einstein
You know, you were right about that fellow. He wasn't very bright.
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Mortimer Brewster
Yeah, yeah, I know that bromide. Something borrowed, something blue - old, new! Rice and old shoes, carry you over the threshold, Niagara Falls - all the silly tripe I've made fun of for years. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you and that's that!
Elaine Harper
[Adoring]
Yes, Mortimer.
Mortimer Brewster
What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? Aren't you going to make a scene?
Elaine Harper
[Adoring]
No, Mortimer.
Mortimer Brewster
And don't "No, Mortimer" me either! Don't... Don't you see, marriage is a superstition, it... It's old-fashioned, it's... I... Ohhhh...
[He kisses her and hauls her into the marriage license office]
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Mortimer Brewster
[to Aunt Abby and Aunt Martha]
Come here. I've got the two nicest Aunts in the world. Of course, you've got the nicest nephew in the world, too.
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Jonathan Brewster
[to Aunt Abby and Aunt Martha]
Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep. You remember that, as a boy, I could be disagreeable. It would not be pleasant for any of us if... I don't have to go into details, do I?
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[first lines]
Baseball Fan
I'll knock your block off, you big stiff! You're a bum!
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[to Mortimer on Teddy]
Dr. Gilchrist
I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia.
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Jonathan Brewster
Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. May I present Dr. Einstein.
Elaine Harper
Dr. Einstein?
Jonathan Brewster
A surgeon of great distinction... and something of a magician.
Elaine Harper
Now, I suppose you're going to tell me that you're Boris Kar...
Jonathan Brewster
I am Jonathan Brewster!
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Jonathan Brewster
We're moving the car behind the house. You'd better get to bed.
Martha Brewster
The car is alright where it is until morning.
Jonathan Brewster
I don't want to leave it in the street. That might be against the law.
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[repeated line]
Teddy Brewster
Charge!
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Dr. Einstein
Alright, Mr. President, we go to Panama.
Teddy Brewster
Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know.
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Jonathan Brewster
I'll get every one of you! I hate cops! I'll brain the first one that comes near me!
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[Mortimer has just been talking to his aunts but was interrupted by the phone ringing. He now hangs it up]
Mortimer Brewster
Now, where was I? Twelve... *TWELVE*?
[He runs back to talk to his aunts again]
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Teddy Brewster
[to Aunt Abby and Aunt Martha]
General Goethals was very pleased. He said the canal was just the right size.
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Mr. Witherspoon
Well you see, Mr. Brewster, we have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment and it would lead to trouble. Oh trouble. Oh. Well now, if he thought that uh... Well, Mr. Brewster, we're a bit short of Napoleons at present.
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Teddy Brewster
A *secret* proclamation? How unusual.
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Martha Brewster
[Mortimer is about to leave, but has Mr. Witherspoon's hat on]
Hmm! Hmm!
Mortimer Brewster
What, hmm hmm?
Martha Brewster
The hat!
[slams door]
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Teddy Brewster
Yes, Doctor, I'll run for a third term but, I won't be elected. And that will be the last of the Roosevelts in the White House.
Dr. Gilchrist
That's what YOU think!
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Lt. Rooney
For Pete's sake, that's the way they described him. "He looked like Karloff."
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Lt. Rooney
Look, super, don't you think you can find room for the ladies?
Mr. Witherspoon
Just the ladies?
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Dr. Einstein
[to Mortimer]
Look, when Johnny's in that mood, he's a madman! He's a maniac! And then things happen. Horrible things...
[draws finger across throat]
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Teddy Brewster
What news have you brought me?
Mortimer Brewster
Just this, Mr. President, the country is squarely behind you.
Teddy Brewster
Yes, I know.
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[Repeated line]
Jonathan Brewster
Go to bed, Aunt Abby!
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Reporter
Looks like the same suckers get married everyday.
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Teddy Brewster
Charge! Charge the blockhouse!
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Teddy Brewster
Gentlemen, what news have you brought me?
Police Sgt. Brophy
[salutes]
Colonel, we have nothing to report.
Officer Patrick O'Hara
Huh?
[Brophy elbows him and he salutes also]
Officer Patrick O'Hara
Oh, no! Absolutely nothing to report!
Teddy Brewster
Splendid. Thank you, gentlemen. At ease.
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Lt. Rooney
What has occurred?
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Photographer at Marriage License Office
Mr. Brewster?
Mortimer Brewster
Now, look... Goodbye, dear.
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Lt. Rooney
These papers ain't no good.
Mortimer Brewster
Why not?
Lt. Rooney
He signed it Theodore Roosevelt.
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Mortimer Brewster
Mortimer Brewster: "Aunt Abbey, how can I believe you? There are 12 men in the cellar and you admit you poisoned them!"
Abby Brewster
Abbey Brewster: "Yes, I did, but you don't think I would stoop to telling a fib!"
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Police Sgt. Brophy
Remember now, watch your language.
Officer Patrick O'Hara
Well, sergeant, you know I'm not a swearing man.
Police Sgt. Brophy
You'd be surprised what they consider swearing.
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Abby Brewster
[to Mortimer about the body in the window seat]
Who can that be?
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Jonathan Brewster
[to Dr. Einstein]
To my dear dead brother.
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