Jingle All the Way Movie Quotes
Howard
Put that cookie down. NOW!
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Myron Larabee
They sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's minds out! And I know what I'm talking about because I went to junior college for a semester and I studied psychology so I'm right in there, I know what's going on. And then they sit there and they make your children feel like garbage and you, the father, who's working 24/7 delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office, but me! And then when you get the toy, it breaks and you can't fix it because it's little cheap plastic!
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Howard Langston
[after getting at a toddler for taking his prize ball and putting it in her mouth in attempting to get it back, he is being ambushed by a bunch of disgusted mothers who misunderstood his socially unacceptable behavior and are calling him a pervert]
I'm not a pervert! I just was looking for a Turbo Man doll!
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Myron Larabee
[as Dementor]
Hey, I'm not going home without that doll!
Chain Smoking Booster
[as Booster]
Hey, buddy, this ain't the way we rehearsed it!
Myron Larabee
You know what? Nobody likes you, Booster.
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Ted
Howard, they say it might get icy later. You might wanna wrap some chains around those tires.
Howard Langston
[muttered to him softly as he drives backwards]
Maybe I should wrap some chains around you.
Ted
What?
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Jamie
I want the Turbo Man action figure with the arms and legs that move and the boomerang shooter and his rock'n roller jet pack and the realistic voice activator that says *five* different phrases including, "It's Turbo time!" Accessories sold separately; batteries not included.
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Myron Larabee
How about these stupid letters from kids to Santa at the North Pole: "Dear Santa, can you send me a bike and a slinky?" No! Your father's been laid off!
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[last lines]
Liz
Howard, I've been thinking... everything that you went through today for Jamie really shows how much you love him.
[Howard nods]
Liz
And if you're willing to go through all of that for him just for a present, well, that makes me wonder...
Howard Langston
What?
[the camera crash-zooms to Howard with a look of horror on his face]
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Huge Santa
[threateningly]
I'm gonna deck your halls, bub!
Huge Santa
[Instinctively, Howard grabs a oversized candy cane and smashes it onto his chest where it breaks in two; Huge Santa waggles his fingers. Howard now has a Mini-Santa hitting him all over on his shoulders. As Huge Santa winds up for another hit, Howard ducks so that the Mini-Santa will take his place]
Mini Santa
Noooooooooooo!
[he screams and flies across the room into a stack of boxes]
Huge Santa
[genuinely concerned]
Little buddy.
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Santa at Door
Password.
Mall Santa
Jingle Bells, Batman smells.
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Sparky
Maybe you shouldn't mess with that.
Officer Hummel
Relax, Sparky, I was with the bomb squad for 10 years.
[does various things to find out if it's really a bomb while Howard and Myron run out of the studio]
Officer Hummel
Gentlemen, we've been duped. This is nothing but a harmless Christmas package.
[he rips open the package]
Myron Larabee
[the bomb goes off, Howard hesitates with a look of shock, and even Myron looks shocked]
That really was a bomb? This is a sick world we live in! Sick people!
Sparky
How many years on the bomb squad?
[Officer Hummel collapses on the floor, charred]
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DJ
[as Howard tries to break into the radio station; he calls the cops]
Yeah, I've got a mad man in my studio and...
[Howard breaks the glass door and charges inside]
DJ
HELP ME!
Howard Langston
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!
DJ
What?
Howard Langston
See, I couldn't get through on the phone. Did I win?
[Howard hugs the DJ]
DJ
Oh no, it's not that simple!
DJ
No! Wait, wait!
[Myron comes into the radio room]
Howard Langston
You're too late! I already got the the right answer! I won! Ha ha! Yeah!
Myron Larabee
I don't need the right answer to win! I got this!
[Myron pulls out a package]
Howard Langston
Now what's that?
Myron Larabee
This, Mr. Track Star, is a homemade explosive device!
Howard Langston
A bomb?
Myron Larabee
Yes, in layman's terms, a bomb! So back up!
Howard Langston
You built a bomb?
Myron Larabee
No, I didn't build a bomb! Don't you read the news? Hundreds of these things come through the mail every day! I just kept one in case I ever needed it! So give me the doll, or I'll blow up everybody in this place!
Howard Langston
Are you out of your mind? Put this thing away!
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Howard Langston
[as Howard is getting Ted on the phone, he hears Ted eating his wife's cookies and complimenting on them]
Cookies?
[shouting]
Howard Langston
Who told you you could eat my cookies?
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Myron Larabee
[pursuing Jamie and Howard during their act in the parade]
Get outta my way, box!
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Howard Langston
You know what you guys are? Nothing but a bunch of sleazy conmen in red suits.
Mall Santa
What did you call us?
Howard Langston
You heard me right. Conmen, thieves, degenerates, lowlifes, thugs, criminals!
Mall Santa
In the North Pole, them are fighting words, partner. Put 'em up!
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Howard Langston
[clutching two store associates by the collar, after they've mocked him along with the whole store doing that and told him the Turbo Man dolls are gone; he sneers]
Where's your Christmas spirit?
[the two smile, so does Howard]
Howard Langston
That's better!
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Mall Santa
Hey. Psst. Buddy, come here. Come here. You want a Turbo Man for Christmas?
Howard Langston
Forget it, I'm not gonna sit on your lap.
Mall Santa
Hey, chief, that's not my bag... Get it? Ha! Well, you know little boy, with your attitude, I don't think I want to give you access to this. Tony, show him.
Tony the Elf
[Tony the Elf hold up a Polaroid photograph of him holding a Turboman doll and newspaper article]
That was taken this morning.
Howard Langston
How do I know this isn't some kind of a scam?
Mall Santa
Forget it, Tony, this guy doesn't want our help.
Howard Langston
Whoa, wait a minute, guys. We're all businessmen. I'm sure we can work out some sort of an agreement.
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Howard Langston
[the second time on the phone, he still can't get Liz]
Jamie, let me talk to your mother.
Jamie Langston
You can't.
Howard Langston
Why?
Jamie Langston
She's next door petting Ted.
[he means a reindeer that Ted got Johnny who just then named after him, and without clarifying it, Howard misunderstands it]
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Myron Larabee
I work for the post office so you know I'm not stable! Tell 'em!
Howard Langston
This man is totally insane.
Myron Larabee
Thank you!
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Chain Smoking Booster
*Finally*! Where the hell have you been? Geez, I've been sweatin' like a dog in a Chinese restaurant waiting for your sorry ass to show up! Well, it's showtime!
[puts on his Booster mask]
Howard Langston
I know you; you're Booster!
Chain Smoking Booster
[behind his mask]
Yeah! And who the hell do you think you are - Mary Poppins?
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[Howard tries to grab the doll]
Howard Langston
Dollars?
Mall Santa
No, chocolate kisses; yes, dollars!
Howard Langston
I can't believe this, whatever happened to your lofty ideas huh? I though you're doing all this for the kids.
Mall Santa
Well sure, but I don't see why we can't pick up a little loose change in the process.
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Jamie Langston
[on the phone with Jamie after a grueling morning searching for a Turbo Man doll, Jamie quotes something from Turbo Man to him, and momentarily unaware that Jamie knows nothing about his situation, he finally loses it]
It's like Turbo Man says, "Always keep your promises if you want to keep your friends".
Howard Langston
Enough! Enough with this Turbo Man, okay? I have had it up to here with this Turbo Man! If there's anybody I don't want advice from right now, it's Turbo Man!
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Myron Larabee
[as Dementor in the holiday parade]
Ta-ta, Turtle Man!
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Ted
[when an attempt to flirt with Liz ends with her hitting him over the face with a jug of eggnog causing it to splatter him]
Well... that didn't exactly go as well as I'd hoped.
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Howard Langston
I couldn't find the kid a doll. Now, does that make me a bad father? No. But yelling at him for no good reason? Now, that makes me a bad father.
Myron
Look, we get one chance a year to prove we're not screw-ups, and what do we do? We screw it up!
Howard Langston
I remember a few years ago, I really wanted to do something special for Jamie. So, I built him his own clubhouse. It came out great. Oh, well the door was a little crooked, right? The roof didn't sit quite right. But you should have seen his face light up! Ah, when he saw that, he was so excited. We played in that clubhouse the entire day. He even made us have Christmas dinner in it.
Myron
[surprised]
No!
Howard Langston
Oh, yeah. I was the hero then. Look at me now.
Myron
You're right. That kid's gonna need some serious therapy, man.
Howard Langston
Oh, don't say that.
Myron
Mmm-hmm. I know what I'm talking about. See, I never forgave my father. I remember one Christmas, I wanted this one special toy. A Johnny Seven OMA gun. You remember those, don't you?
Howard Langston
No.
Myron
I still remember the commercial like it was yesterday. Two kids playing out in the backyard.
[imitating the whole play]
Myron
The thing looked like a blast. But, of course for my old man, Christmas was just another opportunity to let me down. I never did get that Johnny Seven OMA.
Howard Langston
Sorry to hear that.
Myron
Ah, it don't mean nothing. Have you ever heard of a guy named Scott Sherman?
Howard Langston
Yeah. The CEO of Sherman Industries.
Myron
Well, he was my old neighbor. And his dad got him a Johnny Seven OMA gun. You know what happened? He became a billionaire. And me, well, I'm just a loser with no future.
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Myron Larabee
[Myron is tackled]
That's my ball! Rodney King! Rodney King!
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Ted Maltin
I got a Turbo Man for Johnny months ago. It's nestled safely under our tree.
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Myron Larabee
that really was a bomb? this a sick world we are living in with sick people.
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Myron Larabee
[Myron is telling all the police officers to put their guns down, he looks at Officer Hummell]
You too, Barnaby Jones!
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[Howard is trying to reach his wife on the phone, but Ted is over and answers]
Howard Langston
Can I talk to my wife?
Ted
I think she's in the shower, Howard.
[with a fresh attitude]
Ted
Do you want me to go check?
Howard Langston
NO! I mean, no. That's fine. On your way out, tell her I will be a few minutes late. But she shouldn't worry.
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Myron Larabee
I'll know if you move 'cause I have the ears of a snake!
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Myron Larabee
You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to walk into the office, grab one of those guys
[grabs an old lady]
Myron Larabee
And choke him and choke him until an eye pops out! Er... You shouldn't wear fur.
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DJ
Excuse me, gentlemen, are you two under the impression that I have a Turbo Man doll here in the studio?
Howard Langston
Yes.
Myron Larabee
That's what you said on the radio.
DJ
Oh, no.
Myron Larabee
Yes it is.
DJ
No, no, no! What I actually said was whoever *won* would *get* a doll E-VENTUALLY. See...
[chuckles]
DJ
What we have here... is a gift certificate.
Howard Langston
Howard Langston, Myron Larabee: A gift certificate?
DJ
Right.
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Ted
[in a humiliated state, arriving after Turbo Man reveals himself as Howard]
Johnny, what's going on here?
Johnny
Look, Jamie's dad is Turbo Man.
Ted
[appalled, then takes Johnny away]
Let's get outta here!
Johnny
Dad, you smell like barf!
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Howard Langston
I gotta tell you, Santa, there's something about this place that doesn't seem quite... Kosher.
Mall Santa
Kosher? This coming from a guy who assaulted a toddler for a super ball?
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[first lines]
Billy
Look, it's Turbo Man and Booster!
Dementor
Kill them both!
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Myron Larabee
[waiting outside to go inside the toy store]
Hey. Give the man a break. He's a dad trying to get a toy.
[to Howard]
Myron Larabee
Go ahead. Have cuts man. Last minute shopping huh?
Howard Langston
Yeah.
Myron Larabee
Enough to drive a man insane, ain't it? Myron Larabee.
Myron Larabee
See I have to shop late because it's the busiest time of the year for me all these important Christmas letters that people sed to folks they don't even talk to but once a year, not to mention relatives sending presents they're going to have to send back anyway. How many toiletry kits does a man need? And how about those little, stupid letters from kids to Santa at the North Pole?
[In a child's voice]
Myron Larabee
"Dear Santa could you send me a bike and a slinky?" No! Your father's been laid off. And as if I didn't have enough pressure in my life, my son sends me out for some goofy-butt toy, some fruity robot named Turtle Man.
Howard Langston
That's Turbo Man. My son wants one too.
Myron Larabee
You know it's all a ploy, don't you?
Howard Langston
A ploy?
Myron Larabee
Man where you been? Don't you watch TV? We are being set up by rich and powerful toy cartels.
Howard Langston
Oh, come on.
Myron Larabee
You got these big fat cats sit there using working class just like me and you. They spend billions of dollars on TV advertisement, and then they sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's minds out! I know what I'm talking about 'cause I went to junior college for a semester and I studied psychology so I'm right in there. I know what's going on. And then they sit there and make a kid feel like garbage because you the father who's working 24/7, delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office but me, and then when you get the toy it breaks, and you can't fix it because it's cheap plastic! Know what I'd like to do? I'd like to walk up in that office, grab one of those guys and just choke him!
[grabs and suddenly chokes a woman while saying it]
Myron Larabee
Choke him until an eye pops out!
[He suddenly realizes what he's doing and lets the woman go]
Myron Larabee
You shouldn't wear fur.
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Howard
This can't happen. It's just a doll. It's just a stupid little plastic doll.
Myron
Ah-ah, that's "action figure".
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Caller
[the objective is to correctly name all eight of Santa's reindeer to eventually win a Turbo Man doll] Um, Randy, Jermaine, uh, Tito...
DJ
Nope, not even close. Sorry. But perhaps this song will put us all in the mood to get this thing right.
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Turbo Man
It's Turbo time!
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Turbo Man
You can always count on me.
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Officer Hummel
As for you, Turbo Man...
[saluting]
Officer Hummel
we could use a man like you on the force.
Howard Langston
[in Turbo Man costume, saluting back]
Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. Oh, I'm sorry about the bike, and the coffee, and the bus, and... the bomb.
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[In a friendly tone, Howard tries to pet Ted's reindeer, and the reindeer tries to attack Howard's hand]
Ted Maltin
Wow, that's odd. Reindeer are usually such gentle animals. There must be something about you he doesn't like! Aftershave or something.
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Tony the Elf
[as he is being carried out by some policemen]
I'm not going back to the joint! Ya hear?
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Mall Santa
Dog pile!
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Officer Hummel
[During a traffic stop for speeding]
License and registration, please?
Howard Langston
Look, sir, I'm in kind of a hurry. I'm really late for my son's karate class.
Officer Hummel
Oh, I do apologize if I caused you some sort of delay? How thoughtless of me. Because the last thing that I want on my conchins right now is for a private citizen to somehow be disappointed in the performance of my duty.
Howard Langston
I wasn't criticizing you, officer. It's just that...
Officer Hummel
Step out of the vehicle!
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Myron Larabee
Did you call me buddy?
Howard Langston
Yeah.
Myron Larabee
[shouting]
I am not your buddy! I tried to be your team mate, I wanted to be your friend, but noooooooooo, you had other other plans for Myron Larabee!
Howard Langston
No, I had no plans.
Myron Larabee
You were no different than the rest of those civilians, those common, letter writers who make fun of my knee socks and my safari hat in the summer!
[the DJ is chortling muffledly]
Myron Larabee
Are you laughing at me?
DJ
Huh? Oh, no! Lord no! Not at all!
Myron Larabee
Mr. Ponytail Man, I know you, I know your kind. You're the kind that puts the trash can in front of the mailbox so I have to get out of my jeep, don't you?
DJ
No, not true! I recycle!
Howard Langston
Shut up!
Myron Larabee
That's right, shut up!
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Myron Larabee
[to Howard in the radio station]
Don't hit me! I got sickle cell! Don't hit me!
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[after Howard looks at Liz and Ted outside, they see Howard inside Ted's living room]
Liz
Howard?
[Liz and Ted go inside Ted's house]
Howard Langston
Uh-oh.
[Howard exclaims, stomping his fire out, Liz and Ted enter his living room, coughing]
Liz
What are you doing?
Howard Langston
I, uh...
Liz
What's that?
[Howard looks at Johnny's gift, gasps. Ted grabs his Turbo Man present and sees Johnny's name as the doll says "You can always count on me!"]
Ted Maltin
*That* is Johnny's Turbo Man.
Liz
What?
Howard Langston
It's not what you think it is.
Liz
Oh, it isn't? Really? Then do tell me what it is. Because as far as I know, you got Jamie his own Turbo Man weeks ago. What it looks like is that you've broke into our neighbor's house and you're stealing presents from under the tree.
Howard Langston
Look, Liz. If you would give me a second, I can explain it to you. I know parts of this are going sounds completely ridiculous. But, let me tell you the truth.
Liz
Howard, I've been listening to your version of the truth for far too long now and honestly, I don't want to anymore. All I want is to salvage what's left to Christmas Eve and go to the parade with my son.
Howard Langston
Liz, please!
Ted Maltin
Of course.
[Liz and Ted leave and he turns to him]
Ted Maltin
You can't bench-press your way out of this one.
[leaving with Liz]
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Ted Maltin
Howard, I'm of the mind set you can never do too much to make a child's Christmas magical.
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Mall Santa
We're not just doing this for us. We're doing it for the kids. For every kid who ever sat on Santa's lap. For every little girl who left cookies and milk for Santa on Christmas night. For every little boy who opens a package Christmas morning and finds clothes instead of toys. It breaks my heart.
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Ted Maltin
[to Liz in the car]
Here, have some non-alcoholic eggnog.
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Howard Langston
He got two! He got two!
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[on the day before Christmas Eve, after having failed to make it to his son's karate class, Howard has just gotten home, and got out of his car, and in kind of a guilty mood, starts heading towards his house]
Ted Maltin
[from Howard's roof]
Hey, neighbor!
Howard Langston
Ted, what the hell are you doing on my roof?
Ted Maltin
What's Ted doing on your roof?
[we suddenly see him light up the whole house]
Ted Maltin
Ta-da! I had some extra lights in the garage, and since you didn't put up any yourself, I just thought "What the hey?" Why not spread a bit of Christmas cheer around the neighborhood?
Ted Maltin
Hey! I'm sorry you missed the karate class today, but don't worry, I got it all on video for you.
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Deer
[moaning in pain after Howard hit him] Aaaaaw...
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Myron Larabee
Listen, I'm sorry about that little tension that we has up on the roof there.
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Myron Larabee
[Being attacked by a few men]
It's my ball! Rodney King! Rodney King!
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Howard Langston
[Talks to the little girl in the ball pit]
Hi, little girl. Look what I got for you? A shiny, red ball, heheh. Do you want to trade?
[Girl shakes her head no and puts the yellow ball in her mouth]
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Howard Langston
You know what you guys are? Nothing but a bunch of sleazy con men in red suits.
Howard Langston
You heard me right-- con men, thieves, degenerates, low lifes, thugs, criminals!
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Howard Langston
[triumphantly to Myron]
You're too late. I've already got the right answer; I won! Yeah!
Myron Larabee
I don't need the right answer to win! I got this!
[Pulls out a package]
Howard Langston
And what's that?
Myron Larabee
This, Mr. Track Star, is a homemade explosive device!
Myron Larabee
Yes, in layman terms, a bomb! So back up!
Howard Langston
You built a bomb?
Myron Larabee
No, I didn't have to build a bomb. Don't you read the news? Hundreds of these things come through the mail every day. I just kept one in case I ever needed it.
[to radio DJ]
Myron Larabee
So give me the doll, or I'm going to blow up everybody in this place!
Howard Langston
Are you out of your mind? Put this thing away! This is not worth it!
Myron Larabee
Well, maybe not to you, but to me it is. So back up! Back up!
Howard Langston
Myron! Come on, old buddy. Give me the package, all right? Come on.
Myron Larabee
Did you call me "buddy?"
Howard Langston
Yeah.
Myron Larabee
I am not your buddy! I tried to be your teammate! I wanted to be your friend! But nooooooooo! You had other plans for Myron Larabee!
Howard Langston
No, I had no plans.
Myron Larabee
You were no different than the rest of those civilians, those common letter writers who make fun of my knee socks and my safari hat in the summer!
[the radio DJ is stifling his laughter at this]
Myron Larabee
Are you laughing at me?
DJ
Huh? Oh no. Lord no. No, not at all.
Myron Larabee
Mr. Ponytail Man, I know you! I know your kind! You're the kind that puts the trash can in front of the mailbox so I have to get out of my Jeep, don't you?
DJ
No, not true! I recycle!
Howard Langston
Shut up!
Myron Larabee
That's right! Shut up! Why do you think the window is there? So I can just put the mail in there! But you act like everything's okay! "Hey Mr. Mailman" like I have no feelings of my own!
[He throws the package]
Howard Langston
Hit the deck!
DJ
Oh.
Myron Larabee
[the package is really a music box]
look I'm sorry, I've been under pressure since this ZIP+4 thing.
Howard Langston
You twisted...
Myron Larabee
Don't hit me! I've got sickle cell! Don't hit me!
DJ
Excuse me, gentlemen, Are you two under the impression that I have a Turbo Man doll here in the studio?
Howard Langston
Yes.
Myron Larabee
That's what you said on the radio.
DJ
Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no, no. What I actually said, was whoever *won* would *get* a doll E-VENTUALLY. You see what we have here--ha! Oh! Is a gift certificate.
Howard Langston
Howard Langston, Myron Larabee: A gift certificate?
DJ
Right. As soon as they get some dolls in the stores...
[Police sirens are heard outside]
Howard Langston
Did you call the cops?
Myron Larabee
Let's get outta here, but I'm going FIRST, buddy!
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